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00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:31Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:35Sarah Millican,
00:37Jo Wilkinson,
00:39Tom Allen,
00:41Rosie Jones,
00:44Mr Swallow,
00:46Susie Dent,
00:48Rachel Riley,
00:50and your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:56Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
00:59a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:01This is like normal Countdown,
01:03except we don't have to play by the rules,
01:05so I can do stuff like this.
01:09Did you struggle to hit that at first?
01:11I was going to go in there.
01:14I love that you noticed that, Sarah.
01:16You really hit the side, and I thought, aww.
01:20This is how you actually do it.
01:25LAUGHTER
01:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
01:35Let's meet tonight's players.
01:37First up, it's guest team captain, Sarah Millican!
01:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:43Sarah has spoken on stage about her IBS,
01:46so she's unique among comedians
01:48in that she doesn't just have funny bones,
01:50she's also got a funny tummy.
01:53And Sarah's team-mate, Tom Allen!
01:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:59You might recognise Tom from his previous work
02:02as host of Bake Off Professionals
02:04or as the default profile picture on Twitter.
02:07LAUGHTER
02:10Up against them this evening, it's guest team captain,
02:12Joe Wilkinson!
02:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:19Joe Wilkinson, who says dirty hippie blokes aren't sexy?
02:22Women. Women say that.
02:24And joining Joe tonight, it's Rosie Jones!
02:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:32When Rosie's on television, I don't see a disabled person,
02:35and that's because I don't watch anything she's in.
02:38LAUGHTER
02:41By that much, you mean that you don't watch TV, then?
02:48Cos I'm on everything.
02:51LAUGHTER
02:53Sarah, what were you like as a teenager?
02:55Very similar to this, really.
02:57Just smaller boobs, bigger glasses.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:02It was the 80s, so glasses were a lot bigger anyway.
03:05I once fell off my bike and we had to get Autoglass out
03:08just to repair it.
03:09LAUGHTER
03:12That's not true, I couldn't ride a bike.
03:15LAUGHTER
03:17You genuinely not ride a bike?
03:18No, I had an imaginary library, Jimmy,
03:21and I had to keep that tidy.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:25And it wasn't imaginary, the books were real, but nobody came.
03:29LAUGHTER
03:31Tom? Yes?
03:32Now, you're turning 40 soon.
03:34I know, I can't believe it either.
03:37How will you be celebrating?
03:39Well, you know what, Jimmy, I've always seen myself
03:43as an older man trapped inside a younger man.
03:47Not literally.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:52But as I get into my 40s, I might start getting younger.
03:55I'm hoping I might perhaps take up DJing,
03:58maybe I'll graph up a children's park.
04:00But knowing me, I'll probably end up just setting up my own business
04:03making scented candles.
04:05What is your signature scent?
04:07Sandalwood and sort of incense.
04:10Have you ever smelt the inside of a tennis ball?
04:13LAUGHTER
04:15Why would I have?
04:17Why did you cry and ask him?
04:19LAUGHTER
04:20The cup you keep your toothbrush in, worst smell in the world.
04:23What cup?
04:25What cup?
04:27Yours is just on a loose bit of string.
04:29I just take it off the first guy.
04:31LAUGHTER
04:34That was always my favourite thing when I used to live in a shared house.
04:37I would always come into the communal kitchen and go,
04:39has anyone seen our toothbrush?
04:41And the same but with vibrators.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:47The idea of you living in a shared house is quite frankly ridiculous.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:52Like a house full of robots.
04:54LAUGHTER
04:55Rosie, it says here you're a doctor now.
04:58Tell us more.
04:59I got it for, like...
05:03..being famous...
05:05LAUGHTER
05:07..and dribbling and...
05:10..and telling people
05:13that I am an actual doctor.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:18And if they want me to,
05:20I will perform surgery...
05:24LAUGHTER
05:26..on them as long as they pay me in lager and chips.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:35Joe, do you find it easy to make new friends?
05:38Yeah.
05:40Starting conversations with strangers,
05:43even if they're clearly in a hurry.
05:45LAUGHTER
05:47I'll give you an example.
05:48If someone's leaving their house,
05:50I might go up to them and, as an icebreaker,
05:52I'll say, that's where you live.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:59Or, oh, yeah, if someone's smoking,
06:02I might ask for a light, but I don't smoke, personally,
06:05so I'll either light a candle...
06:07LAUGHTER
06:09..or I'll start a bin fire.
06:11LAUGHTER
06:13We'll just chat about that until they put it out.
06:16OK. Rosie, have you got a mascot with you?
06:18Yes. Excellent.
06:20I've got a very busy and high-flying lifestyle,
06:29so to keep awake and alert,
06:34I tried all the drugs.
06:38All of them.
06:40No effect.
06:42Apart from speed, it made me able-bodied.
06:49LAUGHTER
06:52So I thought, I can't have that,
06:56cos I wasn't having a career.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02But I've nailed it.
07:05It's what keeps me alert and sprightly.
07:11Juice. Juice.
07:14Juice.
07:16LAUGHTER
07:18I got hold of juice and it works.
07:23But one bit of juice, I'm hooked.
07:29So I started an underground business.
07:36What I do is I give out a little bit of free juice
07:43and then you get hooked.
07:47And then you come back to Daddy for more.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:53I got a special...
07:55Oh, that doesn't look like it's staying.
07:57LAUGHTER
07:59Are you ready to get hooked?
08:03Oh, my God!
08:06How is it so bitter?
08:08Fucking Nora, I've never had something so bitter.
08:11And I... I mean, have you met me?
08:14LAUGHTER
08:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:23LAUGHTER
08:26It's huge!
08:30Huge!
08:32OK, Tom, have you got a mascot? What have you got?
08:34Jimmy, yes, I've actually been getting very into gardening lately.
08:37I've started to really enjoy it.
08:39So I've brought down some of my gardening equipment.
08:42I thought I'd put that on the desk and this as well,
08:45because I'd like to be able to say,
08:47I'm just sat here chilling with my hoes.
08:49LAUGHTER
08:52I thought that was very good.
08:55What I've found is, I have to go out
08:58because I have a terrible problem with slugs.
09:01And what they do...
09:03Right. It's...
09:05They attach themselves to my bush...
09:08LAUGHTER
09:10..and I have to go out late at night,
09:12padding around in the bushes with a torch,
09:16like some sort of gay in the 1970s.
09:19LAUGHTER
09:21And the only...
09:22The only thing getting sucked off is my hydrangeas.
09:25LAUGHTER
09:27APPLAUSE
09:30Oh, they're wonderful!
09:33OK.
09:35Sarah, have you got a mascot?
09:37Every time I'm on this programme, I'm not very good at it.
09:40I'm not.
09:42So I thought maybe some kind of confidence boost
09:45and compliments might be a nice thing.
09:47Oh, that's a good idea.
09:48I bought this mirror that gives you compliments.
09:51Now, it looks quite old-fashioned,
09:54but it's really quite modern,
09:56cos it gives you a compliment when you look into it.
09:58Are you ready for the...? Yeah, sure.
10:00See if I can perform a bit better on the show.
10:02So this is...
10:03Wow, Sarah, you look really bonny and dead clever.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:09It's quite good, isn't it? Really bonny and dead clever.
10:12And, like, a really alluring, sexy Geordie accent as well, I thought.
10:17Could I have a go? Would it work?
10:19Yeah, I mean, yeah, sure.
10:20Careful, Tom, pass it.
10:22Yeah, I won't look, I won't look at it, I won't look.
10:25OK.
10:27I'm sorry, no face detected.
10:30LAUGHTER
10:32APPLAUSE
10:38Joe, have you got a mascot?
10:40I've had a bit of a mare recently,
10:42cos I broke my mug tree.
10:45How did you break it?
10:46Absolutely none of your business.
10:48LAUGHTER
10:50So, yeah, I get a bit down if I haven't got a decent mug tree,
10:54so I tried to buy one, but they don't sell them anywhere.
10:57They don't sell them anymore. It's mental.
10:59So then I had to make my own,
11:01so I thought the only way I could think of doing it
11:03is I bought a load of male sex dolls and I took the groins...
11:07LAUGHTER
11:09What, sorry?
11:10Think about it, Jimmy, how would you make a mug tree?
11:14I took the groins off four sex dolls
11:16and I nailed them to a fencing post.
11:19LAUGHTER
11:21APPLAUSE
11:26Wow.
11:30I'll be honest with you, I'm not that happy about it.
11:34I'll tell you why, cos you have to squeeze...
11:38LAUGHTER
11:40You have to squeeze...
11:43to get it on, and honestly,
11:45who's going to put their Jubilee mug on that? I don't want to.
11:49But they don't sell them anymore. They don't sell them anymore.
11:53I believe you can buy mug trees on Amazon.
11:56Oh.
11:57LAUGHTER
11:59What a waste of penises.
12:01LAUGHTER
12:03OK, I'm going to get rid of it then. Fabio, can you take away the...
12:07Take away the...
12:09Don't pull it by its penis, please.
12:11LAUGHTER
12:15That's really drawn your eye there, Rachel, for real.
12:19They follow you around the room, don't they?
12:22Joe Wilkinson, everyone.
12:24APPLAUSE
12:30And over in Dictionary Corner, it's Mr Swallow.
12:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
12:36Mr Swallow, what have you been up to since we last saw you?
12:39Not much, to be honest.
12:41I did recently find out that I'm...
12:43Not vegan, what's the other one? Psychic.
12:46LAUGHTER
12:48Very, very, very, very quick demo,
12:50very quick demo, cos I know we haven't got long.
12:52But, Jimmy, just say the first, I don't know,
12:54first country that comes to your head after the count of three.
12:57One, two, three...
12:58Brazil. Brazil.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:02APPLAUSE
13:04I missed a thing.
13:06Shall we do it again? We can do it again.
13:08Any word, any word that comes to mind after the count of three.
13:11One, two, three...
13:14Banana. Banana.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:18APPLAUSE
13:23And with Mr Swallow, of course, it's Susie Dent.
13:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:31Over the years, Susie has introduced us to words such as
13:34Gandalflanker, Scurryfunge and Thunderplump.
13:37What would we do without her?
13:39Do you know what? I think we'd manage.
13:42Susie, are there any words that sound absolutely filthy,
13:45but they aren't?
13:46Yes, I told you about one of my favourites,
13:49which is Cummingtonite, but it's a mineral,
13:52which was founded in, or discovered in, Cummington.
13:57But it is Cummingtonite.
13:59Get Joe's mascot back, we might all be.
14:01LAUGHTER
14:03But there are lots of others and I love them because the definitions
14:06are just as euphemistic.
14:08Wankerpin. What's that? A wankerpin.
14:11And great definition again,
14:12a flowering plant in the Central American wetlands.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:17Which is what I call my vagina.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:21And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
14:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:29Anything embarrassing happen to you lately, Rachel?
14:31On the way up, I got on the train and as I was sitting there,
14:35the next stop, a little old lady got on.
14:37She put the case down and she found a place to sit next to me
14:40and she got her tablet out, she put her headphones in
14:43and she pressed play on her audiobook she'd been listening to
14:46and she didn't realise that she hadn't actually plugged it in.
14:49And it was just at the moment where the girl got her hands
14:52grabbed behind her back at the wrist and she was bent over something.
14:55And she was listening to old granny porn.
14:58LAUGHTER
15:00I don't think everyone on the train could listen to it
15:02because I had to give her the end of her cable and pass it to her.
15:05Where did she get off?
15:07LAUGHTER
15:12Trying to work out a pun in train session.
15:14Let's move on.
15:15Stains.
15:16Stains.
15:18Susie!
15:20Susie!
15:22APPLAUSE
15:27OK, the prize the two of you are competing for tonight is this,
15:29the Countdown Jazz Band kit.
15:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:37TRUMPET PLAYS
15:43LAUGHTER
15:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:51Never had a lesson.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54OK, let's Countdown, everyone. Time for our first game.
15:57Sarah, Tom, you get the first pick of the letters.
15:59Oh, here we go.
16:00Consonant, please.
16:01Thank you, Tom.
16:02Pleasure.
16:03M
16:04And then a vowel, I think, a vowel.
16:06A
16:07And then another consonant.
16:09S
16:10And then another consonant.
16:12T
16:13A vowel, please.
16:14U
16:15Consonant, please.
16:16M
16:17And then another consonant.
16:18D
16:19A vowel, please.
16:20A
16:21A consonant, please.
16:22And lastly, R.
16:24OK, and your time starts now.
16:28Ooh, look at this.
16:30Lovely.
16:31MUSIC PLAYS
16:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
16:59That's a nice little game for me.
17:01It's good, isn't it? Nice.
17:03I've, um...
17:05I've done one of everyone, cos ages, I had, like, 30 seconds.
17:08Yeah, yeah. So I've done me.
17:10I've done Sarah.
17:11Oh.
17:12And it's... Oh, that's... Oh.
17:14It's quite nice, isn't it? It's quite sassy.
17:16Ooh, it's very lifelike.
17:18LAUGHTER
17:20I've done Rosie, which I think you're...
17:23Oh!
17:25Pretty good.
17:26Isn't she sexy?
17:29I've done Tom.
17:34Not OK.
17:36Look at that. There he is.
17:38Ooh, I hope he doesn't fall off that bit.
17:40It's a disaster. We'll never get him back together again.
17:43Well, somebody knows the king's men.
17:47I've done Joe as well. I think it's quite lifelike.
17:49I think you'll like this. There you go.
17:53You've done me from underneath.
17:55I'm going to... I'm going to pan these out.
17:57Pass that along. Thanks.
17:58Oh, lovely. There you go. There's yours.
18:00Oh, that's so nice.
18:01I like it.
18:02It's got pubes in it. Hold on.
18:04It doesn't stop some pubes in it.
18:06Apologies about the smell. That's...
18:08Joe's one's actually made from shit.
18:10Go away, kids.
18:12LAUGHTER
18:19What's happening?
18:21OK, Sarah, how many have you done?
18:24OK, Sarah, how many letters?
18:26Seven.
18:27Seven? Excellent. I know. I'm surprised as well.
18:30Tom, how many? Seven.
18:31Joe, how many?
18:32Four or a risky two.
18:36Rosie?
18:37I think I got six.
18:41What's your four?
18:42Rust.
18:44Ooh. Yes!
18:46OK. Rosie, your six?
18:48Dramas!
18:51Dramas. Tom, your seven?
18:52Well, I feel like it's a bit sexist, but dustman.
18:55Can I have that? You can, yeah. All one word.
18:57I mean, anybody can be a dust-operative.
18:59Exactly.
19:01Sarah, your seven?
19:02Mustard.
19:03Mustard.
19:04APPLAUSE
19:14Mr Swallow, Susie, could they have done any better?
19:16Yeah, seven was top. Well done.
19:18OK, so, Joe, Rosie, you're to pick the numbers. Go on.
19:22Oh, can we get one of them really big ones?
19:28A hundred, please.
19:30A really big one.
19:32Ask for a ten.
19:33Can we get a ten?
19:37A five.
19:38A five?
19:40Hang on, I've got one more shot.
19:42A one's good, a one's good.
19:44LAUGHTER
19:46APPLAUSE
19:48A one.
19:49Wow.
19:50A one.
19:51A ten.
19:52Yes!
19:53We're in there.
19:54Six.
19:55Yes.
19:56Five.
19:57Yeah.
19:58Five.
19:59Seven.
20:00Yes.
20:01Yeah!
20:02OK, here we go.
20:03So your target is 634.
20:04Shit.
20:05Your time starts...
20:06This is doable, this is doable.
20:07..now.
20:08Yeah.
20:09This is doable.
20:10Yeah.
20:18LAUGHTER
20:38Nickers!
20:39So the target was 634.
20:41Joe?
20:42633.
20:43633.
20:44OK, one away, OK.
20:46I think I got 635.
20:49OK.
20:50Did you get it?
20:51In my head.
20:52Sure.
20:53Sarah, did you get it?
20:54No, I'm one away.
20:55Tom?
20:56637.
20:57So, Sarah, how did you get it?
20:596 multiplied by 100 is 600.
21:01Seven fives are 35, so 635.
21:04Ten divided by five is two, so 633.
21:07So I couldn't get any closer than 633 or 635.
21:10Yep, one away, well done.
21:12I did that!
21:13APPLAUSE
21:14How did you do that, Rosie?
21:16I did that in my head.
21:19Do you believe me?
21:21Nope.
21:24But I couldn't very quickly,
21:28not because I've got cerebral palsy.
21:32Well done, well done.
21:35You're the only person who can shout out,
21:37I've got cerebral palsy, and everybody goes, ah!
21:40Jo, did you write it down?
21:42You were one away, right?
21:44100 plus five, that's 105, Rachel.
21:46Yep.
21:47Thanks, Joe.
21:48Times it by six, good luck.
21:52It's around about 630.
21:54Plus to ten?
21:56640.
21:57Minus seven, that is 633, Rachel.
22:01Yep, it is.
22:02Correct.
22:03Seven points for both teams.
22:05APPLAUSE
22:10Rachel, you had one job.
22:13You could have said 100 minus ten is 90,
22:16times it by seven for 630,
22:19and then add the two fives and take the six.
22:21Just noise.
22:23APPLAUSE
22:29And here is your teaser.
22:30The words are SEMITOUR.
22:32The clue is, it's gone all soggy.
22:34That's SEMITOUR, it's gone all soggy.
22:36See you after the break.
22:38APPLAUSE
22:52Welcome back.
22:53The answer to the teaser, the words were SEMITOUR.
22:55The clue was, it's gone all soggy.
22:57It was, of course, MOISTURE.
22:59Of course it was.
23:00So, Sarah and Tom are in the lead.
23:02Time for another letters game.
23:04Jo, Rosie, your turn to pick.
23:07Thanks, Jo.
23:08W.
23:09T would be good.
23:10Vowel.
23:11I.
23:12Consonant.
23:13Try and spell a word, otherwise I'm buggered.
23:15N.
23:16A consonant.
23:17D, a D, a D.
23:18R.
23:19Consonant, please.
23:20S.
23:21Yes!
23:22A vowel.
23:23E.
23:24Yes!
23:25Oh, an N.
23:27B.
23:28Vowel, a vowel.
23:29Vowel.
23:30A.
23:31Consonant.
23:32I've just written my name down.
23:33L.
23:35TV doesn't pay what it used to, so I've taken another job.
23:39All right, your time starts now.
23:50Jesus!
24:04APPLAUSE
24:20Who ordered a pizza?
24:22Did you order a pizza?
24:24I've got pizza.
24:25Pizzas.
24:26Is this how you would work if you worked for a delivery company?
24:30Giving them away as well.
24:33Oh, good girl!
24:36Jimmy, how are you making that look weird?
24:41I don't like that!
24:44It looks so uncomfortable.
24:46I love it!
24:48Look how low down he is!
24:54Yeah. Yeah.
24:56Jimmy, it looks like the saddle's gone inside you.
25:00I've never felt better.
25:02Oh, how many you got?
25:04Pizzas, one each.
25:08I've got five, I feel pathetic.
25:10Rosie?
25:11I think...
25:12Six.
25:13Joe, how many?
25:14Six, I think.
25:15Sarah?
25:16Six.
25:17Six?
25:18Yeah.
25:19I'm quite pissed off.
25:20Go on, how so?
25:21Mine's weird.
25:23I think yours has got Nutella on it.
25:25Why?!
25:27You're trying...
25:28It's delicious, a chocolate spread pizza.
25:30Go on, try it.
25:31Fuck, I know, that's lovely.
25:34Do you want mine?
25:36Oh, go on, then.
25:39Juju!
25:40Is this going to take...
25:42Right, get ready for some sexiness!
25:47It's really nuts!
25:52It's weird.
25:54I don't know if it's you or the cerebral palsy.
26:03Oh, no!
26:05Was I sexy?
26:07Yes, very good, thank you.
26:11What's your five-letter word?
26:13Mine's pathetic, laces.
26:14Sarah, your six?
26:16Winces.
26:17Winces?
26:18Winces, yeah.
26:19Oh, no.
26:20Oh, yeah.
26:24Oh, shit!
26:27Joe, your six?
26:28Scaler.
26:30Scaler's in for six.
26:31Scaler's in!
26:32Rosie, your six?
26:33Well, I annoyingly also have winces.
26:39Oh, did you write it down?
26:40No, I not.
26:42But when we got the pizza, I went for slicer.
26:52Oh, that's very good.
26:56Wonderful, wonderful.
26:57Slicer.
26:58Did we get the pizza after the...?
27:00Seven!
27:01Oh!
27:06Go on, cry, cry, cry.
27:09I'll give you six points to both, James.
27:15Mr Swallow, let's use your name, could they have done any better?
27:18Yes.
27:19Well, another seven, quite a fun one, arsenic, and then...
27:24And actually, is that car lines?
27:26Yes, they are thistle-like plants.
27:28OK, at the end of that, Joe and Rosie have 13 points,
27:31Sarah and Tom are ahead with 20.
27:34Now time for Sarah and Joe to go head-to-head.
27:36Sarah, your turn to pick the numbers.
27:38I'm going to say two big ones, please, Rachel.
27:425, 2, 4, 1, 25.
27:47Yes, we're into the charts, guys.
27:49And the target, easy, 2, 3, 6.
27:52Oh, well, let's see your time starts now.
27:54This could happen.
27:561, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.
28:19Oh, God, I'm destined to do bad.
28:21Oh, God, I'm destined to do crap at this.
28:29Well, someone's had a panic attack.
28:31Jo, talk us through your mental crisis.
28:33I thought it was going to be easy and it wasn't.
28:35Jo, say you're doing it in your head.
28:40LAUGHTER
28:43Yeah, I've done it. You're just going to have to trust me.
28:46You think you've got it. Sarah, have you got it?
28:49We're always one away.
28:51I'm one away as well.
28:53No, no, you do it. You tell us how you did it, Jo.
28:56100 plus 5...
28:58Yeah.
28:59..is 110.
29:01No, it's not.
29:02LAUGHTER
29:04I mean...
29:05Do you know what it is?
29:07I think it's 105, Jo. Correct.
29:09Times that by 2.
29:11210.
29:13And then...
29:15What's left? 25 and a 1, Jo.
29:18LAUGHTER
29:21Times the 25.
29:23No!
29:24What?
29:25No!
29:26What?
29:27Plus the 25.
29:28I'm one away. One away.
29:32Oh, plus 1.
29:33LAUGHTER
29:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
29:39Ten points to Jo.
29:41So can you just fumble your way through it after the music stops?
29:44Is that a thing, is it?
29:45It's part of my sex life.
29:47Are you doing musical chairs, but with your cock?
29:51In a manner of speaking, yeah, sure.
29:54So, Sarah and Tom have 20, Jo and Rosie have 23.
29:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:04OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
30:06Mr Swallow, what have you got for us?
30:08Yes, thank you, Jimmy.
30:10So, since first appearing on this show, which I must say,
30:13in a way, I am eternally grateful for,
30:15but I still don't really know what it is.
30:17I... A lot of people have sort of got in contact to ask about
30:21some of the memory demonstrations I've done on the shows in the past,
30:24like memorising a deck of playing cards,
30:26memorising the Wagamama menu and so on.
30:29And the truth is, a lot of these techniques are very straightforward
30:33to learn if you put, you know, the time in.
30:35I mean, technically, even a young child should be able to master
30:38some of the basic techniques, especially if that young child
30:41is going to spend the rest of their life in with you in lockdown.
30:44So, without further ado, I would like to introduce you
30:47to my protégé and professional lookalike.
30:49Ladies and gentlemen, it's Master Swallow!
30:52APPLAUSE
31:05There we go, yeah. No, don't be fooled.
31:07He's actually in his early 70s.
31:09So, you all right? Do you want another energy drink?
31:12You all right? Yeah, I'm fine, thanks.
31:14Yeah, you don't have to do the voice.
31:19You're doing great. Don't show me up.
31:21Now, so, look, what we've got here are some animal flashcards.
31:26There are loads here. I think there's about 60, 50, 60 of these.
31:29And can you be honest... I'm going to mix them a bit more now,
31:32but can you be honest, Susie, you've examined these,
31:34you've been mixing these yourself as well, cos I don't...
31:37It's very, very important for everyone to realise,
31:40especially people in the audience and people at home,
31:42that this is, if it works, is real, if it works, OK?
31:46If it don't work, then it's fake.
31:48So, Master Swallow, are you listening? Hello?
31:51I'm going to read out whatever random order these animals are in,
31:55OK, and whatever order they're in, Master Swallow,
31:59after I've done it, is going to try and attempt to recall them,
32:02but in reverse order, OK?
32:04So, here we go. Are you listening?
32:06Yeah, OK, here we go. You're doing great.
32:08OK, camel, crocodile, jellyfish, mantis shrimp,
32:12wolf, rhino, ground squirrel,
32:15crested gecko, scorpion, sailfish, cheetah,
32:18peregrine falcon, tiger, honeybee, gira...
32:21Giraffe.
32:23Saga antelope, don't know what that is,
32:25occupy, echidna, great grey owl,
32:28kiwi, eagle, wombat, earthworm,
32:31aardvark, firefly, lemur, peacock, pufferfish,
32:34squid, skunk, snow leopard,
32:36some of these are upside down, stick insect,
32:38zebra, egg-eating snake, giant panda.
32:41Listening? Going in? Yeah.
32:43Blue whale, sea turtle, crab, armadillo, beaver,
32:46great white shark, hippo, mandrill,
32:48flamingo, chameleon, penguin, meerkat, sea otter, lion,
32:52tree frog, howler monkey, elephant, sloth,
32:54jaguar, orangutan, dolphin, puffin, walrus, albatross, koala.
32:59Now, in reverse order, Master Swallow,
33:02what was the last one I said?
33:04Koala. Yeah, OK.
33:06I mean, that's the easiest one, so don't, you know, don't...
33:09And then what did I say before that?
33:11Albatross. Yeah, and then what?
33:13Walrus. Yeah, and then what? Puffin.
33:15Yes, and then what? Dolphin. Yes. Orangutan.
33:17Orangutan, yeah. Jaguar. Yes.
33:19Sloth. Yes. Elephant. Yes.
33:21Howler monkey. Yes. Tree frog. Yes.
33:23Lion. Yes.
33:24Sea otters. Correct.
33:26Meerkat. Yes.
33:27Penguin. Yes.
33:28Chameleon. Yes.
33:30Flamingo. Very good.
33:32Mandrill. Yes.
33:33Hippo. Yes.
33:35Great white shark. Yes.
33:37Beaver. Yeah.
33:38Armadillo. Yes.
33:40Crab. Yes.
33:41Sea turtle. Yes.
33:42Blue whale. Yes.
33:43Giant panda. Yes.
33:44Egg-eating snake. Yes.
33:46Zebra. Yes.
33:47Stick insect. Correct.
33:49Snow leopard. Yeah, just stop a sec.
33:51Do the next three in a row so people don't think you can see.
33:53What are the next three?
33:54Skunk, squid, puffer fish.
33:56Skunk, squid, puffer fish, yeah.
33:58Peacock, lemur, firefly,
34:00aardvark, earthworm.
34:02Yes.
34:03Wombat. Yes.
34:04Eagle. Yes.
34:05Kiwi.
34:07Great grey owl. Correct.
34:08Echidna. Yes.
34:09Occupy. Yes.
34:10Sagan antelope.
34:11Giraffe.
34:12Honey bee. Yes.
34:13Tiger. Yes.
34:14Peregrine falcon. Yes.
34:15Cheetah. Yes.
34:17Swim. Sailfish.
34:19Pardon? Sailfish.
34:20Correct.
34:23Say it again, love.
34:24Scorpion. Yes.
34:26Crested gecko. Yes.
34:28Ground squirrel. Yes.
34:30Rhino. Yes.
34:33Wolf.
34:34Very good.
34:35Mantis shrimp. Yes.
34:36Jellyfish. Yes.
34:37Crocodile. Yes.
34:38Camel.
34:39First one, yes.
34:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
34:57And, Mr Squalor, can I ask, how old is that child?
35:00That child, I believe, is...
35:04Oh, he can't remember, can he?
35:06Six years and three quarters or something like six...
35:08Are you six and three quarters?
35:10Six and a half.
35:13Oh, six and a half is not as impressive. I thought he was six.
35:16That's incredible.
35:17This is my real son, Finn.
35:19Aw!
35:20Brilliant, love.
35:23More, more, more. More, more, more.
35:26I thought it wasn't his real son.
35:29Who's out there going,
35:30wow, those two get along?
35:33They must just be mates.
35:35Mr Squalor, everyone, and Master Squalor.
35:37Master Squalor.
35:47I'm not as proud of my achievements tonight as I should be.
35:50We came up with a seven-letter word.
35:54I don't want to be...
35:55I don't want to big-shot this or whatever,
35:57but my kid can burp on command.
36:00I like the fact that, by comparison,
36:03Rachel now looks like a bloody idiot.
36:06OK, and here is your teaser.
36:08The words are ARSE NUTS.
36:09The clue is, slowly does it.
36:11That's ARSE NUTS, slowly does it.
36:13See you after the break.
36:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:30Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
36:32the words were ARSE NUTS.
36:33The clue was, slowly does it.
36:35It was, of course, SAUNTERS.
36:36OK, time for another letters game.
36:38Rosie and Tom are going head-to-head
36:40and we're going to up the stakes.
36:42We're playing for double points in...
36:44..the lightning round.
36:46EXPLOSION
36:50Rosie, Tom, you've both been fitted
36:52with electric shock machines.
36:54At any stage, you may be shocked.
36:56So we'll just test these.
36:58I just always worry I'm going to piss myself.
37:00OK, Tom, you ready? Yeah.
37:02Brace yourself. OK. Yeah.
37:06I'm sorry about that. That was...
37:08We fitted you with one by mistake.
37:10This round is just for Rosie and Tom.
37:15Oh, I enjoy it.
37:26Oh, it tickles. It tickles my nipples.
37:30I'm going to test these one more time and then we'll play.
37:33OK, so Tom's won. Tom's won.
37:38Wow.
37:40HE SCREAMS
37:45Do not do it to me because of my IBS.
37:47Yes, it is a... That's what I thought.
37:49It's just after last time with the whole clean-up operation.
37:53Right, there's double points up for grabs in this round.
37:56So, Tom, go ahead, pick the letters.
37:58Consonant, please.
38:00Vowel, please.
38:05No.
38:07Consonant, please.
38:09No.
38:11Vowel, please.
38:13No.
38:17Say it quickly.
38:18Consonant, please.
38:20V.
38:21Go not.
38:25Vowel, please.
38:27A.
38:28Consonant, please.
38:29P.
38:30So tense.
38:32Another consonant, please.
38:34T.
38:36LAUGHTER
38:44Well played, Jimmy.
38:47And a vowel, please.
38:49N.
38:50Another O.
38:51For double points in the Countdown Lightning Round...
38:57..your time starts...
38:59..now.
39:00LAUGHTER
39:02No!
39:04LAUGHTER
39:08HE SCREAMS
39:13LAUGHTER
39:15LAUGHTER
39:21LAUGHTER
39:23LAUGHTER
39:27LAUGHTER
39:31LAUGHTER
39:33APPLAUSE
39:37How offensive.
39:40Oh, my God.
39:43Can you smell burning? I can smell burning.
39:45Yeah.
39:46That's my underwear.
39:50I don't know where I am.
39:54I can't believe you jumped out of your seat, Rosie.
39:57I thought I'd get you!
40:05I thought I'd get me!
40:07OK, that's enough. I'm putting these away.
40:09That is it. We're shocking now. No more shocking.
40:11One more for Tommy. That's it.
40:13So, how many did you get, Tom?
40:15I got five. Tango.
40:17Rosie, how many?
40:18Erm, five, but I didn't write it.
40:22LAUGHTER
40:24But a different bongo.
40:28Double points, cos that was the Lightning Round.
40:30Ten points to both teams.
40:32APPLAUSE
40:34OK, Mr Swallow, Susie Dent, what could they have done better?
40:39Er, gaboon, which is a type of hardwood tree, I believe.
40:44So, at the end of that, Joe and Rosie are in the lead with 33 points.
40:48APPLAUSE
40:52OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
40:54Mr Swallow, what have you got for us?
40:56So, Jimmy, I thought that I would show you a little car trick,
40:59some little close-up magic, so I'm just going to come up there,
41:02if that's OK.
41:04And it's a very straightforward trick.
41:07So, basically, it is the three-card trick,
41:10so it just uses one, two, three cards, as you might imagine.
41:14We're going to use jokers, basically.
41:16We're going to use the two jokers and we're going to use an ace.
41:19Now, you might have seen this game before, like Chase the Ace,
41:22or Three Shells and, like, a pea underneath,
41:24and you have to move them around and try and find where it is.
41:27So, the ace, we're going to pop it on top
41:29and then immediately pop it on the bottom.
41:31So... Sorry.
41:33Jokers on the bottom. No.
41:35So, what the magician...
41:37What the magician would say is,
41:39OK, joker's on the bottom, where is the ace?
41:42Now, it's logical to think, OK, joker on the bottom,
41:45either the top or the middle is going to be the ace.
41:48So, you have a look on top. Top's a joker, so fine.
41:50You know that it's in... That's a joker.
41:54Hang on a sec. Yeah, sorry, ace is on the bottom.
41:56Ace is on the bottom. Shhh, Christ!
42:01The magician... God.
42:04..then says, instead of finding the ace, find the jokers,
42:07cos you've got more chance, right? You've got twice as many odds.
42:10So, now, again, logical, really easy to think,
42:12well, ace is on the bottom, so both the top and the middle
42:14are going to be the joker.
42:16Now, the top one, you can see, is also an ace,
42:18and the middle one's... Hang on a sec.
42:20One, two, three. Sorry.
42:22OK, so, right, there it is.
42:24There's a joker and there's an ace.
42:26So that... No, that's a ten.
42:28LAUGHTER
42:30It had worked. Sorry.
42:37Sorry. Mr Swallow, everyone.
42:40And here is your final teaser.
42:42The words are SHITRUMP.
42:43The clue is, give me a medal.
42:45That's SHITRUMP, give me a medal.
42:47See you after the break.
42:58APPLAUSE
43:03Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were SHITRUMP.
43:06The clue was, give me a medal. It was, of course, TRIUMPHS.
43:09OK, time for our final letters game.
43:11Joe, Rosie, your turn to choose.
43:13Shall we get a vowel, everyone?
43:16Yeah.
43:17A
43:18CONTINENT
43:20G
43:21CONTINENT
43:23N
43:24CONTINENT
43:26Louder.
43:28VOWEL
43:29Louder.
43:31VOWEL
43:33I said louder.
43:35CONTINENT
43:37No!
43:38You're not trying hard enough.
43:41CONTINENT
43:42R
43:43Yeah, well done.
43:44CONTINENT
43:45S
43:46OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
43:52This is perfect, I appreciate it.
43:54Just do these.
43:56Lovely romantic dinner for two.
44:14It's a bit dirty.
44:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:26I think it looks better without the tablecloth.
44:28Just check the glasses.
44:31It's going to be a nice dinner, Fabio.
44:33We never take time.
44:45That's why we can't have nice things.
44:47Er, Joe, how many?
44:49Eight. No, you fucking haven't.
44:51I have, yeah.
44:53Seven.
44:55Tom, how many?
44:56Six.
44:57Sarah? Six.
44:58Yeah, OK. Tom, what's your six?
45:00Ranges.
45:01Sarah, your six?
45:02Er, gleans.
45:04Er, Rosie, your made-up seven?
45:06It is made-up.
45:11Longers.
45:13Just longer, obviously, but not worse than now.
45:16Joe, your eight. You could save the day here with an eight.
45:19Glances.
45:21We all want this for you.
45:23It's not in.
45:24Oh, God, no!
45:26Six points to Sarah and Tom.
45:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:33Mr Swan, Susie, could they have done any better?
45:35Yeah, well, exactly. Glances, if you swap round the G and the C,
45:39is clangers.
45:40OK, so Joe and Rosie have 33 points.
45:43Back in the lead, Sarah and Tom with 36 points.
45:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:49OK, fingers on buzzers.
45:51It's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
45:54Your time starts now.
45:55Mix it up, Tom.
46:02I can't... I never say it.
46:04I'm going to write it out like that.
46:10BELL
46:12Yes?
46:13Gossiping.
46:14Oh, my God!
46:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:32It does beg the question, who are you
46:34and what have you done with Joe Wilkinson?
46:37Congratulations.
46:38Joe and Rosie, you're now the proud owner of this,
46:40the Countdown Jazz Band kit.
46:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:44Thanks to all of our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
46:47and everyone tuning home, that's it from us.
46:49Goodnight.
46:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:17Thank you.