Frasier Season 3 Episode 15 A Word To The Wis Eguy
Frasier Season 3 Episode 15 A Word To The Wis Eguy
Transcript
00:00Morning, Daphne. Dad?
00:03Shh! You'll ruin his concentration.
00:06He's on a stakeout to catch whoever's been pinching our newspaper.
00:10He's been at it for over an hour.
00:13I must say, I can see why he was such a good policeman.
00:20That's very impressive of me.
00:23When he wakes up, you must get him to tell you about his stint as security coordinator for Jimmy Hoffa.
00:31Dad, come on. Rise and shine.
00:35You fell asleep.
00:39Oh, good morning, Nas.
00:41Ah, yes, I see our newspaper thief has struck again.
00:45Damn, he's good.
00:47Come on in.
00:51This morning, for the first time since our separation,
00:54Maris actually picked up the phone and called me.
00:57She needs a favor.
00:59Well, Nas, I think that's hardly cause to celebrate.
01:02She called you just because she wants something.
01:04No, no, not wants, Frasier. Needs.
01:07This is my chance to show her how necessary I really am to her,
01:10and all I have to do is fix one small problem.
01:12What's the problem?
01:14She's wanted by the police.
01:19Apparently, she was driving past a shoe store last week
01:23when she spotted a stunning pair of Ferragamo pumps in the window.
01:27I need not remind you what effect the Ferragamo sighting can have
01:30on Maris' hand-eye coordination.
01:34She drove up on the sidewalk,
01:36and when the police ran her name through the computer,
01:39they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets.
01:44What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy
01:47entitles her to park in a handicapped space?
01:52Oh, and to top it all off, she neglected to appear for her summons,
01:55so they immediately swore out a warrant,
01:57and that brings us to you, Dad.
02:00Why?
02:02You were a cop.
02:04I'm sure you still have chums. Hint, hint.
02:08Who could lend you a hand. Wink, wink.
02:13Look, you know, I'd do anything for you, but not this.
02:16All my years on the force, I never even fixed a ticket,
02:19let alone an arrest warrant.
02:22You couldn't pull one little string?
02:24No, I hope everything works out for you,
02:26but I think the law should be the same for everyone.
02:28Well, it's not.
02:30We don't like to believe justice is blind, but the sad truth is
02:33wealthy white women just can't get a fair shake.
02:38The courts love to make examples of them.
02:41Oh, they do. Just think of Ja Ja Gabor or Leona Helmsley.
02:45Oh, yes.
02:47Two perfectly lovely women victimized by an unjust system.
02:52Right, fine.
02:54You won't help me, I'll help myself.
02:56I'm going down to that precinct house, and I'm not leaving till I get justice.
03:00Well, not exactly justice, I suppose, more like preferential treatment,
03:03but I'm not leaving till I get it.
03:07What a horrible thing to happen.
03:09Can you picture poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell?
03:13Only if they move the bars closer together.
03:22Well, that's it for today, folks.
03:24This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good mental health.
03:30Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage and despair.
03:35Well, right back at you.
03:39Say, if things didn't go so well down at the station,
03:42the police simply would not listen to reason.
03:44Police?
03:46They're persecuting my Maris over some silly police story.
03:49They're persecuting my Maris over some silly parking fines.
03:52I felt sure they'd ease up if they just understood Maris a little better,
03:56so I tried to explain her to them.
03:58Oh, dear God.
04:02You know, I dated a guy once who got into trouble with the cops.
04:05Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.
04:11Okay, okay, fine, you little weasel.
04:14Just forget it. I was going to help you.
04:16Maris can just rot in a slammer.
04:18Roz?
04:20I was joshing.
04:22I know how you enjoy our little bi-play.
04:25That weasel line, ouch, touche.
04:30You know what? You're even more annoying when you grovel.
04:33Zing, got me again.
04:37Roz, if not for his sake, then for mine, please?
04:40Okay, for you.
04:43My friend Phil had some major traffic violations,
04:47and he was so freaked that he called this guy who, you know, fixes things.
04:53Sounds a tad shady, Roz.
04:57You mean he went to some hoodlum?
04:59Well, I wouldn't use the word hoodlum in front of him.
05:04Just think of him as someone who makes wishes come true.
05:10Like a fairy godfather.
05:13Another word I wouldn't use in front of him.
05:17Here we go, Jerome Belasco.
05:19Oh, Roz, you are an angel of mercy.
05:22How can I repay you?
05:23The next time you think of some witty little thing to say about my sex life or what I'm wearing,
05:28just keep it to yourself.
05:32Consider it done.
05:36Don't give me that.
05:38Frazier, are you mad?
05:40I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying, situation into a Martin Scorsese film.
05:47You don't understand what this means to me.
05:49When Maris asked me for this favor, do you know what she said?
05:52She said, Niles, will you be my commodore?
05:57Her commodore.
05:59That's what she used to call her father.
06:01Oh.
06:02Frazier, there was no problem so great that that man couldn't fix it.
06:06I'm sure.
06:08Remember that lovely jeweled crucifix Maris picked up on her first communion trip to Rome?
06:13Who do you think smoothed things over with the Vatican?
06:18Yes, whatever happened to the days when a parent would take a wayward child by the hand,
06:24march them back to the scene of the crime and make them say,
06:27I'm sorry, Your Holiness, it'll never happen again.
06:30You don't understand.
06:32If I show Maris that I can step into the commodore's plimsolls,
06:37she'll have a whole new respect for me.
06:39We can rebuild our marriage on a healthier foundation.
06:42Frazier, please.
06:48Thank you.
06:53I just know this man is the answer to my problems.
06:56Yes.
06:57Who better to mend the fragile fabric of a troubled marriage
07:00than a man whose business address is a wharf?
07:08Niles, look, this is ridiculous.
07:11It's past midnight. I'm leaving.
07:13No, no, no, you can't leave. You're my backup.
07:17I wonder what's keeping him.
07:28Do you suppose that's him?
07:30I doubt it. That overcoat is Armani.
07:35Good point, Niles.
07:36Where would a criminal come up with the money for something like that?
07:40Dr. Crane, I presume.
07:43Oh, yes, Doctor.
07:44I'm Niles Crane.
07:46This is my brother, Dr. Frazier Crane.
07:49Jerome Belasco.
07:52Excuse my tardiness.
07:54My lady friend and I were having one of those discussions
07:57from which it is difficult to remove oneself.
08:00We certainly know about those, don't we?
08:03Yes.
08:05We certainly know about those, don't we?
08:07Yes.
08:08Dames.
08:12So, uh, you have some problem you think I can help you with?
08:15Uh, well, uh, I do.
08:17Uh, please, Jerome.
08:21Uh, you see, last week my lady got on the wrong side of Larry Law
08:27and since then certain, shall we say, complications have arisen
08:32and, uh, in brief, things are hot, hot, hot
08:35and we believe that you are the man to turn on the air conditioner.
08:43I sense you're a film buff, Dr. Crane.
08:48Can you just show him the charges?
08:50Oh, yes. Here you go.
08:52Quite a few.
08:55Ignoring a summons, speeding, reckless endangerment.
08:59Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.
09:02Oh, yes. She's ounces of fun.
09:08Uh, do you think you could persuade the police to show some leniency?
09:13Well, there's never any harm in making a phone call.
09:16Excuse me.
09:17Thank you.
09:18Yes, around and straight to the back.
09:23He's making the call. He's making the call.
09:26Frasier, you're going to think I'm crazy for saying this, but that was fun.
09:33Well, I must admit, Nelson, it is not, uh, entirely unpleasant
09:39to rub shoulders with the demimonde, you know?
09:43I definitely felt a real testosterone surge, you know?
09:47Me, too. Me, too. It's like an actual tingling in my chest.
09:51Hmm. Now it's gone.
09:54There it is again.
09:57And now it's gone.
09:59Oh, nice. Must be your cellular phone vibrating.
10:04Oh, it is. Oh, you bet.
10:11Hello? Oh, hello, Maris.
10:14Uh, yes, I'm tending to that very matter right now.
10:18Wait, just hold one second. One second.
10:22Well, you may consider the matter dealt with.
10:28Maris, it's all taken care of.
10:32What did you say?
10:36No, I just never heard you use those words before.
10:40Um, you're welcome.
10:44Oh, Jerome. Thank you.
10:48Well, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I have another business engagement.
10:53Oh, that's the hour of the night? My God, it's past midnight.
10:56What kind of business could it possibly be of mine?
10:59Where are you going?
11:03Tell me, what do I owe you?
11:05Oh, nothing. I was happy I could help.
11:08Oh, don't be silly. I insist.
11:10Consider it a favor. I was in a position to help you.
11:14Perhaps someday you'll be in a position to help me.
11:17I would love that.
11:19If there's ever anything I can do for you, you just say the word.
11:23You're very kind. It's a pleasure meeting you both.
11:27And I meant that. Anything at all, you just let me know.
11:34I shouldn't have said that, should I?
11:37I shouldn't have said that, should I?
11:51Oh, Dr. Crane.
11:54Jerome.
11:56Look, Niles, it's Jerome.
11:59In my house.
12:03We've been having the most delightful chat.
12:06Dr. Crane, you're a lucky man to have such a charming young woman in your employ.
12:11Oh, go on.
12:15Did you know his brother supplied the cement for this very building?
12:24Well, what a small world. Oh, look at the time.
12:27So, Jerome, you didn't tell us what line of work you're in.
12:31Oh, wait, let me guess. I'm a bit psychic.
12:34Well, let's see.
12:37You're some sort of a doctor.
12:41An osteopath, perhaps?
12:43No.
12:44That's odd. I can see you hovering over people with broken bones.
12:53Uh, boys, why don't you help me get some refreshments for your new friend?
12:57Yes, yes.
13:00Excuse us, Jerome.
13:04Who the hell is this guy?
13:06He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris' legal problem, and in return I promised him a favor and...
13:12Oh, God.
13:15You think that's why he's here, to collect?
13:17No, Niles. He's probably hosting a luau. He came by to borrow our ploy, rammicans.
13:25You guys not sure getting involved with somebody like that?
13:29Before we panic, we should at least talk to him, you know, get the straight dope.
13:33Also known as the skinny.
13:36Knock it off, Bugsy.
13:42Stealing newspapers, most un-neighborly behavior.
13:47Now, if you would like, I could find out who's doing it, make sure they never even think...
13:51Oh, no, that's all right, really.
13:55Uh, so, Jerome, is there something we can do for you?
13:59Well, since you asked, you may recall the other evening I mentioned my lady friend.
14:04If I may...
14:09Oh.
14:13She's a pretty thing, isn't she?
14:16This is at the dog track where we met.
14:19Oh.
14:21Here's our first Sinatra concert.
14:25This was at the funeral of a business associate.
14:33You know, for the life of me, I can't recall ever seeing a woman wearing so many different kinds of furs all at the same time.
14:42Brandy is a uniquely stylish woman.
14:46Brandy?
14:48Yeah, the traditional spelling.
14:55We've been engaged for eight years, yet she refuses to set a wedding date.
15:01This upsets me.
15:03It also upsets my mother, whose comments on the subject are frequent and vivid.
15:09So, where do these two come in?
15:12She's reluctant to marry me. Obviously, she needs therapy.
15:16Well, you know, you're in luck.
15:18Niles happens to be one of the finest marriage counselors in all of Seattle.
15:22Actually, Dr. Crane, I would prefer it if Brandy spoke to you.
15:26To me?
15:28Yeah, no offense to you, Dr. Crane.
15:30None taken.
15:39She's a great fan of your show.
15:42I'm sure she'd heed any advice that you might care to offer.
15:46Such as, uh, marry him. Promptly.
15:53Yeah, but I'm not here to put, uh, words in your mouth.
15:58You'll know what to say.
16:01Uh, Jerome, uh...
16:05I'm, uh, I'm a psychiatrist.
16:08I'm used to rendering my opinion, not being the mouthpiece for someone else.
16:13I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this.
16:17Ah, Dr. Crane.
16:20Well, sometimes in life we must do unpleasant things.
16:25I hate to tell you some of the unpleasant things that I've had to do.
16:32I see.
16:35Well, then, uh, why don't you just give Brandy my...
16:39my unlisted home number, which I'm sure you came across while you were finding out where I live.
16:46I'll be glad to chat with her.
16:50Oh, thank you. She'll be in touch.
16:53And I hope that very soon you'll dance at my wedding.
17:00If I'm able to dance.
17:04You ask me, you're getting off easy. He could have asked you for a much bigger favor.
17:09Dad, how can I possibly, as a self-respecting psychiatrist, tell any woman to marry that thug?
17:15What are you talking about? Seemed very nice to me.
17:19This from the psychic who said he was a chiropractor.
17:24Listen, I've heard your show.
17:27One more piece of half-assed advice isn't gonna kill you.
17:32Jerome, on the other hand...
17:34Okay, Dad.
17:38The key to lasting weight loss is to change the way you view food every day.
17:44Can't go on through life binging and then starving yourself for two weeks
17:49just to fit into that new gorgeous evening gown you bought for a special occasion.
17:54Can you understand that?
17:56Yeah.
17:58Can you understand that?
18:00Yeah. Thanks, Doc.
18:11Don't mention it, Steve.
18:14Ross, who's our next caller?
18:16We have Randy from Richmond Beach.
18:19Hello, Randy. I'm listening.
18:21Not Randy. Brandy.
18:25Brandy.
18:27The traditional spelling.
18:31You know, we're all out of time. My goodness, I feel so sorry about that.
18:35No, we're not. We've got five minutes left.
18:38Thank you, Ross.
18:42All right, Brandy, go ahead. Your problem, please.
18:45Well, it's my boyfriend, Jerome.
18:48He said I should call you.
18:50We've been sort of semi-engaged for eight years.
18:54He wants to get married.
18:56Well, I can certainly hear the love in your voice,
19:00so I say case closed. Best of luck to you in the future.
19:03Whoa, you got a bus to catch?
19:06There's a lot more to it.
19:08I mean, for starters, I think he's cheated on me.
19:11Well, in my experience, when you suspect something like that,
19:15nine out of ten times, you're right.
19:19As far as I'm concerned,
19:21I think a little mistrust adds mystery to a relationship.
19:32Mystery! I could stand if he didn't neglect me so much.
19:36I mean, every time we go for a romantic dinner,
19:39he gets a phone call, and bang, it's...
19:42Gotta work, babe. Finish your lobster. I'll send a limo for you.
19:46Lobster? Limos?
19:49My God, give me his number, I'll marry him.
19:55Money ain't everything,
19:58especially when you got a sex life like ours.
20:01He's not even good in bed.
20:04Who knows? Whenever they're long enough to find out.
20:07Oh, you know, this really isn't necessary.
20:09I said to him last night, what the hell was that?
20:12I've been vaccinated slower.
20:17Well...
20:19That just leaves more time to cuddle.
20:23Can I say something?
20:25No!
20:26Look, I could deal with the other problems if it weren't for one thing.
20:31All my life, I've dreamed of being a career woman,
20:36but he said I was too good for it.
20:39He said I was too good for it.
20:42All my life, I've dreamed of being a career woman,
20:46but he says I'm not allowed to work.
20:48I'm supposed to sit home all day, let him take care of me.
20:53So what do you think, Doc? Should I marry him?
20:58Well...
21:01Taking into account the years you've invested in the relationship,
21:05and Jerome's obvious love for you,
21:09and not to mention his generosity...
21:12You know what? Tell me what you think, Dr. Crane,
21:15because I really, really respect you.
21:25Brandy...
21:27Run.
21:29Save yourself. Do not marry this man.
21:34This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying goodnight, and...
21:38See you, God willing, tomorrow.
21:46Yes, I'll have a non-fat decaf latte, please.
21:50Oh, what the hell? Look...
21:52Make it a full-fat mocha, extra whipped cream.
21:58What the hell? Put a slice of bacon on it, too.
22:02Hello, Frasier.
22:04Don't! Don't do that!
22:07I'm sorry, I'm sorry. A double espresso, please.
22:10I heard you on the radio today. I thought what you did was noble.
22:15To what South American nation will you be fleeing?
22:20Like I'd tell you.
22:22One minute of interrogation and you would crack like a Jordan almond.
22:27Frasier, I never meant for any of this to happen.
22:30How long are you going to stay mad at me?
22:32For as long as I live, which will probably take us through breakfast.
22:39Wrong again.
22:41Oh, oh, look, it's Jerome Belasco.
22:45Jerome, take a seat. Look, Frasier, it's our friend, Jerome Belasco.
23:01I heard your broadcast this afternoon.
23:05Displeased me.
23:09Let me have a little hot milk, please.
23:14I'm displeased I got acid in my stomach, Dr. Crane.
23:19Believe me, the last thing I want to do is displease you.
23:25Or to hear the words acid and Dr. Crane in the same sentence.
23:34But Jerome, I'm sorry.
23:36How could I have advised her otherwise? She said that you cheated on her.
23:40She said she suspected me. I've never cheated on Miss Brandy.
23:45Or I'd be that as it may.
23:48How could I advise a woman to marry him?
23:50Or I'd be that as it may.
23:53How could I advise a woman to marry a man who's so controlling
23:56that he won't even allow her to work?
23:58It may interest you to know that over the years
24:01I've called in favors to get Miss Brandy 14 jobs.
24:08She lost all of them.
24:10So you're saying she's had trouble finding her niche?
24:15No, I'm saying she's a dodo.
24:20Now, you may love a dodo.
24:23You may think the dodo is beautiful.
24:26You may even wish to marry the dodo.
24:29But you do not encourage a dodo to fly.
24:36When she loses these jobs, it makes her very unhappy.
24:40So for her sake, I said no more jobs.
24:44But now, in order to convince her to marry me,
24:48I've had to reverse this policy.
24:51So she has agreed to marry you?
24:54If I get her a job.
24:56Not just any job.
24:58A job that she can never lose.
25:02A job where if she burns the place down,
25:05they will apologize to her for having made it so flammable.
25:11Well, good luck finding someone who will hire her.
25:25Oh.
25:32Oh, Dr. Crane, your brother called.
25:35The court time for your tennis game is 11 o'clock.
25:38Oh, good Lord. I distinctly told him I wasn't available till noon.
25:41Hey, if you're going to call him back, put it on the speakerphone.
25:45Yeah.
25:47Don't you think this is getting a little old?
25:49Well, I think it's just mean is what I think.
25:52So sue me. I enjoy it.
26:02Good morning, Niles Crane.
26:05Good morning, Niles Crane.
26:08Psychiatrist.
26:16Yes, is Dr. Crane there? This is his brother, Frazier.
26:19Oh, hi, Dr. Crane. It's me, Brandy.
26:23Hang on, hon. I'm getting another call. I've got to put you on hold.
26:35Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling. Toss salads and scrambled eggs.
26:41Quite stylish.
26:43And maybe I seem a bit confused. Well, maybe.
26:47But I got you pegged.
26:52But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:59They're calling again.
27:02Good night, everybody.