Frasier Season 2 Episode 7 The Candidate
Frasier Season 2 Episode 7 The Candidate
Transcript
00:00Alright, now quiet, it's getting ready to start.
00:06The following is a paid political announcement for Holden Thorpe.
00:09You dragged us over here to see a commercial for Holden Thorpe?
00:12Shhh.
00:13The man is a fascist.
00:14He's like Himmler without the whimsy.
00:20Now another American for Holden Thorpe.
00:24Hi, I'm Marty Crane.
00:26Oh dear God.
00:28For 30 years I was a cop walking a beat in Seattle.
00:32Then my hip was shattered by an assassin's bullet.
00:35An assassin who wouldn't have been on the street if it weren't for those bleeding hearts we sent to Congress.
00:41I used to carry a gun.
00:44Now I carry a cane.
00:48I'm voting to elect Holden Thorpe.
00:51He's running because I can't.
00:57Well?
00:58Oh, Mr. Crane, I don't know what to say.
01:01I'm in a state of shock.
01:03Aren't we all?
01:05I mean, you were wonderful.
01:08This calls for a celebration.
01:10What'll you have?
01:11Oh, give me a beer.
01:15Dad?
01:17How did this happen?
01:19Well, I took a walk to the park last week and they were having a rally for Thorpe.
01:24So I started to talk to one of his people and told him I was an ex-cop.
01:29And next thing you know, they were shoving a camera in my face.
01:32This is appalling.
01:33Those people are exploiting you.
01:35No, they're not.
01:36I like Thorpe.
01:37How could you support that odious little hosehead?
01:42I once heard him say, cancer aside, tobacco is good for the economy.
01:47We should have put more cops on the street.
01:49Yeah, well, it couldn't hurt now that everyone and his brother's walking around armed.
01:54Makes me glad we don't have so many guns in England.
01:57You don't need guns, you got kidney pie.
02:04Hello?
02:07Duke.
02:08Oh.
02:09Sherry?
02:10I couldn't possibly, Niles, I'm too upset.
02:14Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm glad you liked it, Duke.
02:17That was fun.
02:18Hey, I got a lot of showbiz secrets to tell you.
02:21You know they can make you cry on cue by pulling a hair out of your nose?
02:27What?
02:28Really?
02:29Oh, guys, quick, over here, channel 14.
02:32They're running my other spot.
02:34Hey, Duke, this one was my idea.
02:36Remember when Lyndon Johnson lifted up his shirt to show his scar?
02:40Hi, I'm Marty Craig.
02:43Crime isn't pretty.
02:44And if you don't believe me, look at this.
02:56Can I help you, sir?
02:57Oh, yes, yes, what are your specials today?
02:59Kenyan blend.
03:01No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
03:03Still poaching elephants over there.
03:05Got something else?
03:06Dark roast Brazilian.
03:08Not until they do something about the loss of our rainforests.
03:12Salvadoran?
03:13No, I've never forgiven them for their human rights violations.
03:17Well, then, we're down to the Hawaiian Kona blend.
03:21Or have they slaughtered too many macadamia nuts?
03:29That'll be fine, thank you.
03:34Niall, Frazier, I can't stand it.
03:37I just walked by an electronics store,
03:39and there in the window were 22 television sets,
03:42and on every screen was Dad's...
03:45butt.
03:49I saw it.
03:51I don't know which is worse,
03:53seeing his butt or what it stands for.
03:58I just can't believe that our father is actually endorsing that...
04:03self-serving fear monger.
04:06I've been giving this a lot of thought,
04:08and I've realized Dad isn't the problem.
04:11He's just supporting the candidate of his choice.
04:14The problem lies with us.
04:17Us? We haven't done anything.
04:19Exactly.
04:20Oh.
04:21The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
04:26Edmund Burke.
04:27I have that quotation in a frame.
04:30Keep meaning to put it up in my office, but I never seem to get around to it.
04:35Anyway, Frazier, I think the time has come for you and me to get involved.
04:40What are you suggesting?
04:42I propose we throw our support behind Thorpe's opponent, Phil Patterson.
04:47Well, of course I intend to vote for Patterson.
04:50I had something a little more ambitious in mind.
04:52I spoke to some people down at Patterson's headquarters this morning,
04:55and your name came up.
04:57They'd like you to film a TV spot endorsing their candidate.
05:01Well, listen, I'd really love to help,
05:04but surely you must realize that as a radio psychiatrist,
05:09I can't take the chance of alienating my listeners.
05:13The people that need my help might be reluctant to call in if they knew my political views.
05:19Well, I wish you'd at least think about it.
05:22A candidate like this doesn't come along that often.
05:24He's hardworking. He volunteers weekends at a soup kitchen.
05:28He really cares about people.
05:30Finally, a politician who believes in the things we believe in.
05:33Buy a box of chocolates. Send the kid to camp.
05:36Excuse me, can't you see we're talking here?
05:48Thank you for your call, Susan.
05:50We'll be right back after this message.
05:54Crime, it's epidemic.
05:58It strikes fast and it can strike you.
06:01I'm Holden Thorpe.
06:03You should send me to Washington because...
06:06Better than having you here.
06:12Piece of work, isn't he?
06:14Makes it sound like it's either vote for him or be found murdered in your bed.
06:19Oh, I wouldn't be concerned if I were you, Roz.
06:22With the chances of finding you there alone.
06:29Hey, sports fan, how are they hanging?
06:31Okay, Bulldog.
06:32I was talking to Roz.
06:44Ten seconds.
06:46So vote for me.
06:48My crime program will give the streets back to the people.
06:52That's good.
06:53Because with your tax program, that's where they'll be sleeping.
06:59Welcome back, Seattle.
07:01We'll be back for just one more phone call after this news break.
07:04And then next up, Bob Bulldog Briscoe.
07:12The Gonzo Sports Show.
07:15I've asked you not to do that.
07:17Way to be impartial, doc.
07:21You know, I happen to think Thorpe's a good man.
07:24Wait, who are you voting for, that pretty boy Phil Patterson?
07:27Yeah, Patterson's great.
07:28His reapportionment plan makes a lot of sense.
07:31Forget it, Roz. He's happily married.
07:35Yeah, so's Thorpe.
07:37Go figure, his wife's a cow and he still loves her.
07:40There's a bumper sticker.
07:42Back in a minute.
07:45Hey, I like that little shot you took at Thorpe.
07:48Although our next caller doesn't seem to share your opinion.
07:51Oh, really? Well, put him on.
07:53I welcome contrasting viewpoints.
07:57Hello, Seattle. We're back.
07:59Roz, who do we have on the line?
08:01On line one, we have Holden Thorpe.
08:07Go ahead, caller.
08:08Crane, Thorpe.
08:11Let me ask you something.
08:13Are you married?
08:14Divorced.
08:15Do you ever serve in the military?
08:18Well, actually, I have congenitally weak ankles.
08:20It's a family problem.
08:23I see. I see.
08:25So a guy like you, unmarried, didn't serve his country,
08:29sees fit to criticize a patriotic family man who fought in the Battle of Grenada.
08:35I went in on the first wave, by the way.
08:37On a surfboard, I suppose.
08:42If you ask me, the day we get the likes of you off the radio
08:47will be the day America will be a nice, friendly place to live again.
08:51All right. You've said your piece, now you're going to listen to mine.
08:56Hang up on me, will you?
08:58All right, even though you may not be listening,
09:00the people of Seattle are going to hear what I have to say.
09:03No, they won't. The show ended five seconds ago.
09:05I had to send it to traffic.
09:12Oh, hello there.
09:15I'm Dr. Frazier Crane.
09:17Many of you know me from my radio show,
09:20but today I'm speaking to you as a concerned citizen.
09:25As a mental health expert,
09:27I've been listening to what my good friend Phil Patterson has to say.
09:32I like the way his mind works.
09:35He's a visionary, and he cares about the little people.
09:40That's why I'm proud to say
09:42that I'm behind Phil Patterson for Congress.
09:47Thanks, Frazier.
09:49Together, we could live the dream.
09:57Phil Patterson,
09:59I'm going to tell you a story.
10:03Phil Patterson, the sane choice.
10:08Okay, guys, give us about five minutes to adjust the lights,
10:11and we'll shoot it.
10:13Greg, adjust those lights.
10:15They need to be lighter and brighter.
10:28Thanks again, Frazier.
10:30Our pleasure, Phil.
10:32The Crane family has a long history of political involvement.
10:35You know, my wife, Maris,
10:37actually has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters
10:40licking envelopes.
10:44She'd do it herself, but the poor thing
10:47can't produce saliva.
11:01Hello, there.
11:02Oh, Daphne, I thought we agreed
11:04you'd keep him out of here for two hours.
11:06Yeah, well, I walked him around the park,
11:08but you know how he gets.
11:09He starts whining and whimpering
11:11until you can't stand it any longer.
11:13Well, don't let him talk about you like that, little fella.
11:16He was talking about me.
11:20Hi, Marty Crane.
11:22Phil Patterson.
11:24You look familiar, Mr. Crane,
11:26but I can't quite place you.
11:28Let me give you a hand.
11:32Just trying to help the guy.
11:36My father did a commercial for your opponent.
11:39Yes, it came back to me.
11:43Hello.
11:44Daphne Moon.
11:45Hi.
11:46You know, my uncle was a political writer
11:48for one of those London tabloids.
11:50I can still remember his biggie scoop.
11:53The headline read,
11:56High-ranking politician
11:58caught wearing women's clothing.
12:01Of course, you turned to page two
12:03and you found out it was Margaret Thatcher,
12:05but by then you'd already bought the paper.
12:16Well, thank you, Miss Moon.
12:18Say, Phil, it's getting a little hot in here.
12:20You want to step out on the balcony with me?
12:22A little fresh air? Great.
12:26Oh, beautiful view.
12:28Thank you.
12:30Yes, you know, I feel very lucky living here.
12:34I could say I feel lucky
12:37to be a part of your campaign as well.
12:39Hey, it's me who's lucky.
12:41It's quite a boost for an underdog
12:42to get an endorsement from Fraser Crane.
12:46I don't know if my name carries that much weight.
12:48Oh, come on, people love you.
12:50I've listened to your show.
12:53To tell the truth, I've even thought of calling in.
12:58Really? What for?
13:02Oh, it's kind of sensitive.
13:06Listen, Phil, as a psychiatrist,
13:09anything you tell me will be kept in the strictest confidence.
13:16You know, it's funny how
13:18the more you bottle things up inside,
13:21the bigger they seem to be.
13:26Well, I've never told anybody this before, but...
13:31Okay, here goes.
13:35Six years ago,
13:38I was abducted by aliens.
13:51Aliens?
14:02Aliens?
14:06They transported me up to their spaceship
14:08for a kind of conference.
14:10They're very concerned about what we're doing to our planet.
14:15You were right.
14:17Now that I've said it out loud,
14:19it doesn't seem like that big a deal.
14:24No.
14:29They're ready for you, gentlemen.
14:31Come on in here and let's elect a congressman.
14:35Fraser?
14:44Fraser?
14:50Roll it. And action.
15:00Hello.
15:03I'm Dr. Fraser Crane.
15:06Many of you know me from my radio show,
15:08but today I'm speaking to you as a concerned citizen.
15:13A deeply concerned citizen.
15:19As a mental health expert, I've been
15:22listening to what my
15:25good friend Phil Patterson has to say.
15:30I like the way his mind works.
15:35He's a visionary,
15:38and he cares about
15:43the little people.
15:50That's why I'm proud to say that I'm
15:54behind Phil Patterson for Congress.
15:59Thanks, Fraser.
16:05Together, we can live the dream.
16:11Phil Patterson.
16:14A sane choice.
16:17A sane choice.
16:20Okay, cut.
16:22God, I'm burning up.
16:28Fraser, you were a little nervous on that one.
16:31Why don't you take a couple of minutes and we'll try it again.
16:34I got mine on the first take.
16:38Fraser, may I see you in the kitchen?
16:42What's going on in there? You look like a zombie.
16:45Oh, God, no.
16:47I've got something I'd really like to get off of my chest.
16:50If I told you, I'd be violating a doctor-patient confidence.
16:54Oh, I see.
16:56Nothing is more sacrosanct than our professional ethics.
16:59Fortunately, I know a trick to get around them.
17:03For the next few minutes, I'll be your psychiatrist.
17:06Then you can spill your guts with impunity.
17:09Well, it's borderline, but I'm desperate.
17:14Just now, on the balcony,
17:19Phil Patterson told me that he had been
17:22abducted by aliens.
17:25Apparently, he was beamed up to the mothership
17:31for a little interplanetary chit-chat.
17:42This is bad, isn't it?
17:47I'm going to have to go to the bathroom.
17:50I'm going to have to go to the bathroom.
17:54Niles, I...
17:56This is incredible. It's just awful.
17:58We're going to look like such idiots.
18:00We? The whole thing was your idea.
18:02I knew I should never have let you get me into politics.
18:05I just can't believe you had the gall to sit there and tell me this.
18:08I wanted to know. I wanted to help you.
18:10I said, no, no, no.
18:12Stop it. This isn't getting us anywhere.
18:14Put that away.
18:17Hold on.
18:19What are we going to do?
18:22Well, I think we have to convince Phil to drop out of the race
18:25and seek professional help.
18:27If Phil drops out, then Thorpe will win.
18:29Forget it, Niles.
18:31Well, then you can forget education and the environment
18:33and funding for the arts.
18:35Are you saying I should still back Phil?
18:37All right. Answer me this.
18:39Can you tell me with any certainty
18:41that in such a vast universe
18:43there isn't intelligent life on other planets?
18:47At the moment, I'm not sure there's intelligent life in this kitchen.
18:52All right, all right, all right.
18:54Let's assume that it's in his imagination.
18:56How often does he see these aliens?
18:58Well, it's only happened at one time.
19:00Which might suggest that it was an isolated incident
19:03brought on by overwork rather than a pattern of paranoid delusion.
19:06My diagnosis exactly.
19:08Phil has worked hard.
19:10Yes.
19:11He deserves his chance.
19:12Yes.
19:13He's still got to seek professional help.
19:15Yes.
19:17Yes, there he is, Buckley.
19:20Yes, there he is, but we're not going to turn our backs on him
19:23three weeks before the election.
19:25No, dammit, we are not.
19:27So, do you treat him?
19:28Are you kidding?
19:29No, I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker.
19:35I think it's time I get my eyebrows waxed.
19:38I'm starting to get that Romanian peasant look again.
19:44Of course, it doesn't help that I didn't get any sleep last night.
19:48I'm a snorer.
19:52You know, Fraser, I'm getting just a little tired
19:54of your constant insinuation that I sleep around.
19:58I didn't get any sleep because of that idiot Chopper Dave.
20:02When he gets bored doing traffic reports,
20:04he likes to buzz people's apartments in his helicopter.
20:07Oh, I can see how that would be annoying.
20:10Well, it didn't bother me much,
20:12but the guy was with his Vietnam vet,
20:14and he started having flashbacks.
20:19Greetings, losers!
20:21Have you heard the great news?
20:23One of your overpaid idols patches your intestines?
20:28Yeah, laugh while you can.
20:30Word's out about your pal Patterson
20:32and those aliens of his.
20:34Oh, my God.
20:35What aliens?
20:36It's all over TV.
20:38How did they find out?
20:40What, are you kidding?
20:41You can't keep something like this quiet.
20:43Every station in town is serving his bleeding heart up on a platter.
20:46Isn't that just like the media?
20:48The day before the election,
20:49they find one tiny flaw in a man,
20:51and they try to ruin his career.
20:52Well, you know what?
20:53I have my own conduit for the public ear.
20:55I'm not letting Phil go down without a fight.
20:58What aliens?
21:00It turns out Patterson's got a couple of illegal aliens
21:03from Guatemala working in his house.
21:09No green cards, no documents, no chance.
21:14Hello, Seattle. I'm back.
21:17This is Dr. Fraser Crane,
21:18and I have just learned during the commercial break
21:20that it has become public knowledge
21:23that Phil Patterson, candidate for Congress,
21:26believes in aliens from outer space.
21:31Not only does he believe in them,
21:33he believes he has met with them,
21:35that he was beamed aboard their spaceship
21:37for an interplanetary TED attack.
21:40Shocked?
21:42Well, all right.
21:43But I say, let's ask ourselves these questions.
21:47Does this harmless delusion,
21:50most likely brought on by overwork and sleep deprivation,
21:55adversely affect his voting record in any way?
21:58I ask you while I say no.
22:01What great leader doesn't have his little quirks?
22:03Ronald Reagan saw astrologers.
22:05General Patton believed in reincarnation.
22:08Even J. Edgar Hoover let his slip show once in a while.
22:13People were talking about a great leader here.
22:16We shouldn't concern ourselves with these minor eccentricities.
22:20What's important, what really counts,
22:23is what's in here.
22:25I'm pointing at my chest now.
22:38The results from the last precinct are in.
22:41Holden Thorpe has been elected to Congress,
22:44garnering a whopping 92% of the vote.
22:47Hooray!
22:50Well, at least Mr. Patterson got 8%.
22:53Yeah, well, we must have been counting absentee ballots
22:56from the planet Krypton.
23:01Oh, come on now, Dr. Crane.
23:03It wasn't all your fault.
23:05I'm sure having those Guatemalans in his home
23:07would have cost him some votes anyway.
23:09Those Guatemalans were exchange students.
23:14Bill was giving them free room and board
23:16as a goodwill gesture between countries.
23:19Well, I'd like to stay here and gloat,
23:22but I gotta get changed to go to the big celebration
23:25down at Thorpe headquarters.
23:27Hey, you're welcome to tag along if you'd like.
23:30You're quite a hero down there.
23:32Yeah.
23:36No, thank you.
23:39Stupid, stupid, stupid!
23:42When will I learn it hurts when I do that?
23:58Oh, Phil.
24:00Come on in.
24:01Frazier, thank you.
24:03Just came by to return this good luck tie you loaned me.
24:11Yes, well, I saw you wearing it on television
24:14when you made your concession speech.
24:16A little embarrassing having to do it before lunch.
24:21But it gave me some time to run some errands
24:24and pick up my dry cleaning.
24:26Oh, I am so sorry about the misunderstanding.
24:29It's okay.
24:30I know you didn't do it on purpose.
24:32You thought you were defending me.
24:34The people of Seattle deserve something better
24:36than Holden Thorpe.
24:38That's politics.
24:39And it's just one election.
24:41I'll be back.
24:43You really think you can?
24:45Well, maybe I'm a dreamer,
24:47but I like to believe anything's possible.
24:52Phil.
24:55I've gotta ask you.
25:00Do you really believe it happened?
25:04I honestly wish I could say it didn't,
25:07but it did.
25:10I guess you'll never believe it unless it happens to you.
25:15So, what's next for you?
25:20Maybe I'll run in California.
25:24A thing like this could actually help me there.
25:55Anything's possible.
26:10Oh, very funny, Chopper.
26:13You're a funny guy.
26:15You're a funny guy.
26:17You're a funny guy.
26:19You're a funny guy.
26:22Oh, very funny, Chopper Day.
26:37Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
26:39Toss salads and scrambled eggs.
26:43Quite stylish.
26:45And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:48Well, maybe.
26:49But I got you, pig.
26:54But I don't know what to do
26:56with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
27:01They're calling again.
27:04Good night, Seattle. We love you.