Frasier Season 9 Episode 21 Cheerful Goodbyes
Frasier Season 9 Episode 21 Cheerful Goodbyes
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00:00For healthy teen skepticism, Jeremy, problems that seem crushing now can actually serve to shape your life in positive ways later on.
00:11You're just saying that.
00:12No, well, I'll tell you what, perhaps I can convince you with a story.
00:17I recall a young man who suffered from involuntary bedwetting until he was 12 years old.
00:26Or was it 13?
00:29Boy, you'd think I'd remember. I slept in the lower bunk.
00:34The point is, it was very difficult for him, what with the alarms and the bladder-stretching exercises and the incessant teasing he suffered once his schoolmates found out.
00:46How'd they find out?
00:48But the point I'm trying to make here is that this man today is a prominent and respected psychiatrist.
00:58And you see, his afflictions serve to make him stronger, more empathic, and extremely hygienic.
01:08So hang in there, Jeremy.
01:10Okay. Thanks, Dr. Crane.
01:14And thank you, listeners. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying good day and good mental health.
01:23That was kind of brave to admit you were a bedwetter.
01:28Oh, Ross, pay attention. That was Niles, not me.
01:33Well, you know, I've got to run. I'm still putting the finishing touches on my speech for the Boston conference.
01:39Did you come up with the title?
01:41Yes, as a matter of fact, Niles will be introducing me on notes for a critical approach to radio
01:46as mediating gateway in the process of psychological demystification.
01:52Good speech. What's the title?
01:56Well, it promises to be a fun family weekend for all, actually.
02:00So what do you got planned for the weekend?
02:02Actually, my sorority sisters are coming in for a visit.
02:06I suppose you'll be sharing the secret handshake, doing skits, that sort of thing.
02:10Yeah, right.
02:14Only problem is my apartment is just too small for everyone to stay in.
02:19Hey, your place will be empty.
02:23Say no more, Ross. No.
02:25Why not?
02:26I'm sorry, Ross. It's just the idea of strangers in my apartment. I couldn't sleep.
02:31Sorry I asked.
02:32No apology necessary.
02:34Oh, Ross, that reminds me.
02:37Since you're going to be walking Eddie for Dad anyway,
02:40I wrote down a list of a couple of other things you could do for me as well.
02:43Pick up the mail in newspapers. Water the ficus. Fluff your pillows.
02:47Yes, thank you.
02:48Oh, and please don't forget to mist my bedroom with rose water.
02:52It likes it best at dusk.
02:59Oh, I love returning to Boston. There's just something in the air.
03:04Perhaps the toxic gas spewing from your gigantic mouth.
03:08Oh, Ross, please, would you just let it go?
03:10I didn't mention your name.
03:12Oh, no, you just said it was someone with whom you shared a bunk bed who is now a psychiatrist.
03:16I'd say that narrows the field down to, hmm, me.
03:20But only to someone who knows that you're my brother. And who would that be?
03:24My patients.
03:25Guys at work.
03:26One of the flight attendants.
03:30Oh, so that's why she looked at me that way when I told her I spilled my drink.
03:33When you guys come on, I want to see my bag come down the chute.
03:36All right, yeah.
03:39You can forget about my introducing your talk.
03:41Oh, Lars, you can't be serious.
03:44I wouldn't even be here if Daphne didn't want to see Boston.
03:47Yes, I do.
03:48So you two make up and let's go and get one of those famous Boston lobsters.
03:52No, it's Maine that's famous for lobsters, sweetheart.
03:55Boston's famous for beans.
03:57Beans?
03:58What kind of a city brags about bloody beans?
04:02Oh, that's right.
04:04Yeah, your common pumpkin was once 600 times the size of present-day variety.
04:10Yeah, thereby allowing the entire fiefdom to feast the whole winter on the meat of your single seed.
04:18Half-Claven.
04:21Frazier!
04:22You old dog!
04:24How you doing?
04:26Let's see.
04:28Say hello to the family.
04:30This is my brother, Niles Craig.
04:32And his fiancée, Daphne Bowman.
04:34And this is my dad, Martin Craig.
04:37Hey, buddy.
04:38Nice to meet a fellow civil servant.
04:40Oh, you're one of the brothers, aren't you?
04:42I was a cop for 30 years.
04:44Oh, I hear you couldn't pass the mail carriers exam, huh?
04:48You know what?
04:49I can't believe you brought your entire family here for my retirement party.
04:54Well, actually, I...
04:56You know, when I didn't get your R.S. Seaboo play, I figured you weren't going to show up, but...
05:02You son of a gun!
05:04You wanted to surprise me, didn't you?
05:06Surprise!
05:09Hey, you know what?
05:10I got to go meet Ma's plane.
05:12She's bringing in 10 gallons of pardons.
05:14I got to go meet Ma's plane.
05:15She's bringing in 10 gallons of pardons.
05:17See you guys tonight, huh?
05:18Right.
05:19Eight o'clock, sir.
05:20And cheers.
05:21Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
05:22Sammy's got it booked for a Red Sox reunion tonight.
05:26We're going to be at the Somerville Town Crier.
05:32Why did you do that?
05:33This is our one free night.
05:35I had to pull a lot of strings to get dinner reservations at Les Paliers.
05:39Niles, you saw how thrilled he was.
05:41I couldn't say no.
05:42Besides, it'll be a chance for me to see my old friends again.
05:45I mean, these people are an important part of my past.
05:47They were there for me when I needed friends most.
05:50How about if we move the reservation back half an hour?
05:53Well, that should be plenty.
06:04Ha! Hello, everybody!
06:06Hey!
06:09Oh, Frazier!
06:12Look at you!
06:14I forgot how big your head is.
06:18Darling, you haven't changed a bit.
06:21This is my family.
06:22Hey, everybody, want to try some of my deviled eggs, huh?
06:25I used my special recipe, uh, water instead of mayonnaise.
06:32Hey, Frazier!
06:33Oh, Paul, how you doing?
06:36Paul, how'd you find out about this?
06:39I live here. I just came down for some ice.
06:43Well, stay out of the way.
06:45Can do.
06:49Good evening, everybody.
06:54Hey, so what's going down now?
06:56My blood alcohol level.
07:01Suds do your work.
07:04Frazier's here.
07:06Hey, Norm, how you doing?
07:08You brought us all family now, eh?
07:10Yeah, yeah, uh, say hi to my brother Niles and his fiancée Daphne Moon,
07:14and that's my dad there, Martin Drake.
07:17Wow, that's some mug callus you got there.
07:20Judging from your grip, I'd say you're a can man.
07:23Guilt is charged.
07:25Have a seat, man.
07:27Listen, uh, Clippy, Vera would have been here,
07:30so I didn't tell her about it.
07:33Yes, Vera is Norm's much-storied wife.
07:36Oh, that sounds fascinating.
07:38Let me know when we're leaving.
07:40Right.
07:41We're never gonna get out of here in half an hour.
07:43Why don't you and I just go?
07:44Niles, don't be rude.
07:45These are your brother's friends.
07:47Just try and loosen up.
07:49Hey, uh, that's quite a suit you got there, buddy boy.
07:52Uh, what, it cost, uh, over a hundred, I bet, huh?
07:56Hey, Paul, look.
07:58You're filling a suit.
08:01I missed that, the Paul.
08:03Yeah, give it here.
08:07So, Carla, how you been?
08:09Ah, well, two of my kids are in jail.
08:11The bank's about to foreclose on the house,
08:13and after tonight,
08:15I'm never gonna see Cliff Clavin again.
08:18Things are great.
08:20Yeah, Carla was never really a fan of Cliff's.
08:23Well, not to talk the guy down,
08:25but he's a big blowhard
08:27who thinks he knows everything and never shuts up.
08:29Imagine.
08:32Hey, Norm, let me buy you a beer.
08:34Hmm?
08:35Where have you been all my life?
08:38Yeah, well, e-mail did hurt us,
08:40but, uh, you know,
08:42computer's gonna be dead in about five years anyway.
08:46Post office will rise again, my friend.
08:49Will rise again.
08:52Feel that.
08:56Frazier.
08:57Hmm?
08:58Oh.
09:01Say, Cliff, uh, where's your mom?
09:04Ah, Mom got on the wrong plane.
09:06She went to Bosnia.
09:14Hey, Cliff.
09:16Tell us more about how you're leaving.
09:19You know, and tell it real slow.
09:22Quiet, everybody.
09:24Uh, Carla, tomorrow I'm getting on a plane,
09:27going to the promised land,
09:29Florida.
09:31Time to hang up the old uniform
09:33and live in my Speedos.
09:37I didn't think anything could live in your Speedos.
09:43Aren't you a bit young to retire, Cliff?
09:46I'd be worried I'd become bored.
09:48Ah, now, don't you worry about that, missy.
09:50When I get down there to old Florida,
09:52I'm gonna buy myself an airboat
09:54and give tours to the Everglades.
09:56Maybe wrestle a few crocodiles.
09:58That would be alligators.
10:00Ah, common mistake there, Sparky.
10:04Say, when a crocodile raises its head,
10:07its nostrils get pinched shut tight,
10:10thereby cutting off its oxygen supply.
10:13Ah, a baby could wrestle one.
10:16That's fascinating.
10:18Did you know that, Niles?
10:19I, uh, I still don't.
10:21Excuse me, Captain.
10:23Frazier.
10:24Frazier.
10:25If we're gonna make our reservation,
10:26we need to leave now.
10:27Well, is that time already?
10:29Already?
10:30If I hear one more of that
10:31postman's crackpot theories,
10:33my head will explode.
10:35Niles, don't worry about him.
10:36Nobody takes him seriously.
10:38I never knew there were so many letters
10:40in the Dolphin alphabet.
10:50I see.
10:51I see.
10:52Well, um, is Dad ready to go?
10:54Dad?
10:55Dad'd be content to sit there
10:56swilling beer all night.
10:58Well, you know what?
10:59It seems like everyone's having
11:00such a good time.
11:01Why don't we just, uh,
11:02push the reservation back
11:03another half an hour?
11:04Well, everyone isn't having...
11:05Fraze?
11:06Uh, sit down.
11:07Tell us what it's like to be famous.
11:08Oh, sure.
11:09Well, better make it an hour.
11:12Best thing is,
11:13on a summer's day,
11:15you open a cold one,
11:17and that foam runs down your hand,
11:20and for a split second there,
11:22you're jealous of your own knuckles.
11:25Oh, yeah.
11:26Yeah.
11:27I had no idea that you were a poet.
11:29Oh.
11:30Yeah.
11:31Tell me the one about the bacon again.
11:33Which one?
11:34All of them.
11:35What the...
11:36Oh, yeah.
11:37Yeah.
11:38Yeah.
11:39Yeah.
11:41Okay.
11:42Hey, white bread.
11:45What could possibly be wrong
11:47on this most wonderful of nights?
11:49Oh, uh, no offense,
11:51it's just we had reservations
11:53at one of the finest restaurants in Boston,
11:55and instead we're eating trail mix
11:58and drinking this...
12:00Oh, dear God,
12:01it's just labeled wine.
12:06Hey, Norm,
12:07doesn't he remind you of Frazier?
12:09Say indubitably.
12:12Must I?
12:14It's uncanny.
12:15Yeah.
12:17Hey, remember that time
12:18you guys took Frazier on a snipe hunt?
12:21Yeah.
12:22What's a snipe hunt?
12:23That's when you take some unsuspecting dope
12:26out to bag snipe,
12:27which don't exist,
12:29and then you ditch him in the woods.
12:32That must have been
12:33completely humiliating for Frazier.
12:35Yeah, well, that's the point.
12:38Well, do you have any more of these stories?
12:40I'll tell you about a million.
12:42Oh, I don't have time for a million.
12:44Just tell me the hundred worst.
12:47Okay, well,
12:48when Frazier first started coming to Cheers,
12:50he was really kind of a boob.
12:52Yeah, boobs.
12:59Sorry.
13:01Everybody, attention.
13:03Mr. Twitchell has got something to say here.
13:06I'd like to propose a toast to Cliff Clavin.
13:11We were often adversaries,
13:13but he was a postman,
13:15and I'll say this about him.
13:17He never developed a stoop.
13:21Mostly because he threw the big catalogs
13:24into the river.
13:28And even though he didn't strictly abide
13:31by the rules,
13:33especially 367B, section 17...
13:42Well, anyway,
13:43when all is said and done,
13:45you have to ask,
13:47what will the mail be
13:49without Cliff Clavin?
13:56Twitchell, thank you very much.
13:58I just want to thank you, Cliff,
14:00for all the great times we had at Cheers.
14:03Well, you were always there for me, Al.
14:06I'm Phil.
14:07Al's been dead for 14 years,
14:09you dumb son of a bitch.
14:18Well, you know,
14:19I hadn't planned on making a speech,
14:22so my remarks will have to be extemporaneous.
14:25I hope that means dirty.
14:28Smart money's on long.
14:31It was about ten years ago
14:33when I, too, left Boston,
14:35but the kind wishes and outpouring of emotion
14:38from my friends remain fresh in my mind.
14:43I still remember Sam throwing me a lavish party
14:46and dubbing me the Einstein of Cheers
14:49against my modest protest
14:51that I was merely the Niels Bohr.
14:55You still are.
15:02And then, of course, Norm begging me to stay
15:06and that comical moment
15:08when Woody threw his arms around my legs
15:10and began to cry.
15:14Now another of us is leaving this wonderful town.
15:19Good luck, Cliff.
15:22Cheers.
15:24Great.
15:25I was gonna say,
15:26good luck, Cliff.
15:33Please hold our table.
15:34We'll be there in a half hour.
15:40Cliff,
15:41are you all right?
15:43Oh, yeah.
15:44Yeah, I just, uh,
15:46whoo-hoo,
15:47gotta take a break from all that partying.
15:52All right, you're prided out of me.
15:55My so-called friends,
15:57they don't care about me.
15:59Sure, they do.
16:00Ah, your toast in there brought home the ugly truth.
16:04You know, when you left,
16:06everybody asked you to stay.
16:08I mean, I told these mooyahks six months ago I was retiring,
16:12and not one single one of them said anything like, uh,
16:15eh, I'm sure gonna miss you there, uh, Big Shooter.
16:18Or, gee, I wish you could stick around, Big Shooter.
16:22Big Shooter.
16:23Eh, it's a nickname I once gave myself.
16:30Well, Cliff, you know,
16:32it's entirely possible that your friends are suffering from a kind of, um,
16:37separation anxiety.
16:39They may find it difficult to admit to themselves that you are actually leaving.
16:45You know, I,
16:47I could have a little talk with them if you'd like.
16:51What kind of hollow victory would that be?
16:56So if I took a walk around the block, that'd give you enough time?
16:58Sure.
17:03Uh, everybody, uh, listen up.
17:05Um, Cliff is going through a kind of a crisis about leaving.
17:10No, no he's not. No crisis.
17:13All I'm saying is that it would go a long way toward helping him
17:16if you could just let him know how much you're gonna miss him.
17:20Tell him, you know, how sad you are that he's leaving.
17:23I don't know, Frasier.
17:25Look, I'm his best friend, but I am no good at the mushy stuff.
17:29Well, surely you can come up with a few words to say no.
17:31Yeah, but what if he cries?
17:34Yeah, what if he tries to hug me?
17:37What are people gonna think, two guys hugging?
17:39I, uh, hmm.
17:41You're gonna kiss him with tongue if that's what it takes to get rid of him.
17:47Okay.
17:50Shh, okay, here he is. Everyone pretend you like him.
17:53Oh, Carla, we do like him.
17:55Yeah, like that.
17:58Ahem.
17:59Um, I want to make a toast.
18:03Cliff,
18:06you've always been my role model.
18:09Really?
18:10You, you, you mean that, Paul?
18:12I sure do.
18:13Especially when it comes to the ladies.
18:16I'm sad you're going.
18:18Yeah.
18:22Cliff, I will miss you too, you dumb son of a bitch.
18:31I haven't known you for very long, Cliff, but I've learned so much from you.
18:37I never knew that the Indians of the rainforest used to stretch out pig intestines and use it as a primitive telephone.
18:46Or that Winston Churchill invented the modern English muffin.
18:53You're a fascinating man.
18:56Good luck.
18:58Oh, thank you, Daphne.
19:07He's smooth.
19:10Congratulations, Cliff. Stop that. Stop.
19:21Cliffy, we've been best friends for a long, long time.
19:28We've done a lot of stuff together.
19:30Most of it dumb.
19:33The rest of it boring.
19:35It's like we have this connection, you know?
19:39I mean, somehow we know when we want to be dumb and when we want to be boring.
19:45I don't know what I'm going to do without you.
19:49To my best friend, Cliff.
19:51Cliff, yeah.
19:55Come here, you.
20:05Come here.
20:26Father, don't you have a few words to say?
20:29I sure do.
20:32Cliffy, I know that things haven't always been that great between us over the years,
20:39but being here tonight makes me think about the effect that you've had on my life.
20:48I'd like to say that I'll miss you.
20:51That I'll miss you.
21:01I'd like to say that I'll miss you.
21:08It's okay, Carla.
21:14I'd like to say that I'll miss you.
21:21But it sticks in my throat like your rotten deviled eggs.
21:26I hate your guts.
21:28The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing.
21:33The way you walk your stupid white socks.
21:36Carla.
21:37Back off, I'm toasting.
21:40For 20 years I have known you would have been less painful if I was covered with open sores
21:46and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats.
21:52But now finally you're leaving.
21:55I know I'm not as young as I used to be, but I can live again.
22:00I can live again.
22:02Finally, I can live.
22:05I can live.
22:08I can live.
22:19Anyway, God bless.
22:28You know, I can't believe my ears.
22:33I heard Paul and Nan there saying all those nice things about me.
22:38I actually started thinking maybe I shouldn't go to Florida and leave all my friends.
22:45How am I doing the right thing?
22:48But when I heard you speak those words, Carla, that's when I decided I am going to stay.
22:57What?
22:58That's right, you little dickheads.
23:00You only joke about somebody like that when you really care for them.
23:04I wasn't joking.
23:05I really hate you.
23:07Oh, Carla, come on.
23:08You're going to make me cry now.
23:10Everybody, the move is off.
23:23Oh, Frazier, I owe this all to you.
23:26Frazier, we were so close.
23:28I think you would have to show up and ruin everything.
23:31Well, we've got dinner reservations.
23:35Hey, everybody, thanks for all the gifts, but I don't have much use for a spear gun here in Boston.
23:41Give me that.
23:42Give me that.
23:43Give me that.
23:44Give me that.
23:45Give me that.
23:46Give me that.
23:47Give me that.
23:48Give me that.
23:49Give me that.
23:50Let me go.
23:51No.
23:54Stop it.
23:55Stop it.
23:57Well, see you around, big shielder.
24:03Thanks, Doc.
24:05Good luck, Cliff.
24:06Anytime you're in Seattle.
24:08Frazier has an extra room.
24:15Marty, you're not going, too, are you?
24:17Yeah, I have to, but hey, why don't you come to Seattle sometime?
24:20I'll show you around.
24:21I'll have a few beers at McGinney's.
24:23Yeah?
24:24Absolutely.
24:25It's only six hours flying time from here.
24:28Six hours, you know, sitting there in one place, never moving.
24:37That's, uh, that's just not me, you know?
24:43Sure thing.
24:47Listen, I'm sorry that I ruined your evening.
24:51Oh, uh, actually, I ended up rather enjoying myself.
24:54Really?
24:56I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that.
24:58I knew that once you met these people, you'd learn to love them as I do.
25:02Actually, I've rethought a lot of things.
25:04I'm going to give you a much-deserved introduction at that conference tomorrow.
25:10Are you certain?
25:11Oh, you won't be able to stop me.
25:13Oh.
25:15Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:22Mercy.
25:24And maybe I seem a bit confused.
25:27Well, maybe.
25:28But I got you pegged.
25:30Ha, ha, ha, ha.
25:33But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:39With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:44They're calling again.
25:47Frasier has left the building.