Are You Being Served - S06 E06 - Happy Returns
It is Young Mr. Grace's birthday, and the staff sing the traditional birthday song for him and enjoy the traditional free lunch. They later rehearse their cabaret performance for Young Mr. Grace's birthday party, a ballet called The Ballet of the Toys. A professional cabaret troupe will also be performing at the party, and when the troupe arrives, it turns out they themselves will be performing The Ballet of the Toys, which forces the staff to go to Plan B.
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00:00BELLS RINGING
00:05Round four perfumery, stationery and leather goods,
00:08wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food,
00:11they are...
00:12BELLS RINGING
00:17First floor, telephones, gents, ready-made suits,
00:20shirts, socks, ties, hats...
00:22KNOCK AT DOOR
00:23Enter.
00:25Morning, Mr Armbrough. The staff, as requested, 8.30 precisely.
00:29Excellent, excellent. Tell them all to come in.
00:31I can't tell them to come in. I mean, I'm subservient.
00:34If I tell them to come in, I shall fracture protocol.
00:36I am a blue-collar worker and they is white-collar workers.
00:39Now, a blue-collar worker can ask a white-collar worker,
00:42but on the other hand, a white-collar worker can tell a blue-collar worker.
00:46But if they do, they'll have to do it very, very nicely,
00:47otherwise you'll get a punch of five right up their root.
00:49I like that.
00:50Now, look, however you do it, Mr Harman,
00:52please arrange for them to come in here.
00:54We've done great. It's a pleasure.
00:56Right, you mob, in here.
00:59Good morning, Mr Rumble.
01:01I hope you don't mind if we bring in our coffee and biscuits, sir?
01:04Oh, well, I suppose it's all right.
01:06When I was a junior and Mr Prentice sat in this chair,
01:09I certainly would never have dreamt of it.
01:10Yes, we all had a great respect for Mr Prentice.
01:16In any case, don't drop the crumbs all over the floor.
01:18I'm fine. If you dunk them, they don't...
01:20Fuff about.
01:22What does fuff about mean?
01:24It's what crumbs do, and you've just done it.
01:29Don't bother with that now, Mr Humphreys.
01:31Now, today is a red-letter day in the Grace Brothers' calendar.
01:35Today is young Mr Grace's birthday,
01:38and you know the tradition.
01:39On his way up to the boardroom,
01:41young Mr Grace stops on every floor.
01:44As the lift gates open,
01:46every department carols forth its birthday greetings
01:49by singing happy birthday to you.
01:51This makes young Mr Grace very happy.
01:53Any questions?
01:55Yes, Mr Humphreys?
01:56Mr Rumbold, while I was on my knees under your desk,
01:59I couldn't help noticing something that indicated to me
02:02that you must have got dressed in a terrible hurry.
02:06Really? What was that?
02:08Only a keen eye would notice it.
02:09Well, what was it?
02:10You don't keep us in suspense.
02:12I wish I hadn't mentioned it now.
02:14Well, what is it?
02:16You've got odd socks on.
02:17Oh!
02:19Mr Prentice would never have worn odd socks.
02:22Yes, well, nobody's going to notice my odd socks.
02:25Excuse me, sir, does young Mr Grace intend to continue
02:28the other well-honoured tradition?
02:30Oh, yes, yes, we shall all be getting our birthday bonus.
02:34Oh.
02:35So what it boils down to is that we've been called in at 8.30
02:38to get a two-bob bit and hear the amazing news
02:40that you've got odd socks on.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:45I'm not unaware of the sarcastic note in your voice, Captain Peacock,
02:48but while we're on the subject of dress,
02:50where are your birthday pom-pom dahlias?
02:52They haven't arrived yet, sir.
02:53But I'd made the arrangements personally.
02:55That's probably why they haven't arrived.
02:57Don't worry, sir.
02:59I sent Mr Lucas to the florist and told him to put them on the account.
03:02You exceeded your authority there, Peacock,
03:04but in the circumstances I shall overlook it.
03:06Good heavens, he's due here at any minute.
03:08We'd better take our positions.
03:14I've got the flowers, Captain Peacock.
03:16Quick, gentlemen, put them in your buttonholes.
03:18Ladies, make your own arrangements.
03:20Mr Lucas, are you out of your mind?
03:23These are supposed to be pom-poms and these are decoratives.
03:28Well, it was either that or lilies.
03:30And I thought, in view of Mr Grace's age,
03:32lilies might not be very tactful.
03:34If I may make the suggestion, look, here you are.
03:37Short back and sides.
03:39That should do the trick.
03:41No, no, no, Mr Harman, that makes you look even worse.
03:44At least mine won't fall out. I've jammed the end in me knicker elastic.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:50Well, I certainly don't intend to accommodate mine in that fashion.
03:54Oh, my. Flowers are very sensitive, you know.
03:56It might wilt if it found the end stuck in your navel.
04:00Sir, if I might suggest a solution,
04:03would it be preferable, from Mr Grace's point of view,
04:06if when he arrives, we stand in front of the lifts,
04:09holding them proudly in our hands?
04:11That should give him something to remember.
04:14It won't fall down in class, but you can hear the chant.
04:17Happy birthday to you...
04:20Remember, today it's the customary free luncheon,
04:23so we must all be in the canteen no later than two minutes past one,
04:27when young Mr Grace will, of course, be serving us all personally.
04:30Well, I hope he's quicker than he was last year.
04:33By the time I got it, my hot pot was cold pot.
04:36Well, the party doesn't go on as long as it did last year.
04:39I mean, I missed me last bus.
04:41I seem to remember I gave you a lift home.
04:43Yes, that's why I don't want to miss me last bus.
04:47He's the only man I know that can drive, steer, change gear,
04:50and he's still got two hands left over.
04:54Well, I can't stay too late.
04:56The man next door is popping in every half hour
04:59to keep an eye on my pussy.
05:02And after half-past 11, his wife won't let him out.
05:06The party starts at eight, as usual,
05:08which gives us time to have the last dress rehearsal
05:11of our birthday show at 5.30.
05:13Quick, he's coming up.
05:14Place, everybody. Place.
05:19This is the note we start on to sing happy birthday to you.
05:22Have you got it?
05:23Yes, we have.
05:25And the suspense is carrying on.
05:32It's stuck!
05:33Never mind, carry on.
05:35Happy birthday to you
05:38Happy birthday to you
05:41Happy birthday, Mr Grace
05:44Happy birthday to you
05:48I'm stuck!
05:56Are you all right, sir?
05:58Well, it's not very often an 81-year-old man
06:01is stuck in the lift with a 19-year-old secretary.
06:05Of course I'm all right. Shut the doors.
06:12DOORBELL RINGS
06:14Oh, Mr Rumbold? Yes, sir?
06:16My secretary has just seen something she never expected to see.
06:20Oh, really, sir?
06:22Yes, you've got odd socks on.
06:30Give me those place cards. Here they are.
06:32Oh, you've written them nicely.
06:34Oh, thank you. I came top at school in joined-up handwriting.
06:39What was you best at?
06:41I got an O level in collecting dinner money.
06:44Mrs Slocum, Captain Peacock.
06:47We'll put Mr Tebbs up at this end.
06:49Here, I don't want to sit next to Mr Lucas.
06:51Why not? He pinches my bottom.
06:54I'll sit next to Mr Lucas.
06:58Oh, doesn't the canteen look spotless?
07:01Yes, the flies are all confused.
07:03They're flying around, they don't know where they are.
07:06They don't waste any money, do they? Those are last year's flowers.
07:09They're not, you know, they're the year before us.
07:11How do you know that?
07:12Well, that's the one you used to stir your tea with
07:15when you couldn't find your pencil.
07:17Those lift girls are switching tables with us again.
07:20This is the one with the wonky leg.
07:22Now, who's got something about, er, soupy?
07:25I'm sorry, I can't help you.
07:29Try a couple of cheese biscuits.
07:31Guaranteed indestructible. Thank you.
07:33Not to mention the cheese.
07:35It's Mr Grace's birthday.
07:36Look how nicely they've decorated the edge.
07:38What do you mean, decorated the edge?
07:40Those are mice teeth marks.
07:42That's in the canteen trap.
07:44Oh, it's disgusting. You know, we ought to complain.
07:47We can't, it's free.
07:49I'll tell you what we'll do.
07:51We'll all write our initials on it,
07:53and if we get it next year, we'll complain then.
07:57Hey, this has already got some initials on the back here, look.
08:00There's a heart with an arrow through it
08:02saying Mrs Slocum loves Captain Peacock.
08:05That was back in 1964.
08:10Christmas party cheese, yes.
08:12Oh, how sad, the passing of the years.
08:15Then young, fresh and tasty,
08:18now old, tough, leathery and rejected.
08:22The cheese hasn't aged too well, either.
08:26Plates.
08:30Elbows.
08:35My lords, ladies and gentlemen,
08:37we are standing for young Mr Grace,
08:39whose birthday it is today, which is why you are having the free nose.
08:45Thank you, thank you.
08:47Good afternoon, Mr Grace.
08:49Mr Grace will now hand out the traditional birthday bonus.
08:54In the year 1893,
08:56Mr Grace Senior first presented a silver florin
08:59to each grateful member of his staff,
09:01and the custom has continued to this very day.
09:04Pass them down.
09:06Of course, in those days, a florin was a florin.
09:09These days of inflation, it would probably be worth about ten pounds.
09:13But young Mr Grace doesn't want a break with tradition.
09:16My lords, ladies and gentlemen,
09:18Mr Grace will now say grace.
09:21For what you are about to receive, may you be truly grateful.
09:26Surely, sir, you mean for what we are about to receive, may we be truly grateful?
09:30No, no, for what you are about to receive.
09:33We're lunching at the Savoy, aren't we, dear?
09:36That was one of your suggestions, Mr Grace.
09:38Yes, well, we don't say grace before the other suggestions, do we?
09:42I'm in good form today.
09:44Oh, yes.
09:45My lords, ladies and gentlemen, the Grace Brothers Gruel.
09:50This is a very moving occasion.
09:53It was after the last lot of Grace Brothers Gruel.
09:58My lords, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Grace will now, as usual,
10:00serve the first helping to the most junior member of his class.
10:06May I say how truly, humbly grateful I am, Mr Grace?
10:16May I congratulate you, sir, on getting some of it in the plates?
10:21My lords, ladies and gentlemen,
10:23Mr Grace will now serve the traditional champagne.
10:26Champagne.
10:27Thank you.
10:28Astros Pumantus, 1962, bottled by British Railway
10:31and bought up at the job lot when they went over to Diesel.
10:34Thomas Hurd preferred the Diesel.
10:36My lords, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Grace will now remove the cork.
10:47Well, this is the eighth time running I've not been able to open this bottle.
10:51Never mind. Put it back in the cellar. I'll try again next year.
10:57See you all at the party.
10:59Yes, well, I'm sure we can't have more fun than we've already had, sir.
11:02Well, goodbye. You've all done very well.
11:05Farewell, Mr Grace.
11:11I'm so sorry, sir. Was it the noise?
11:13No, no, the waste. The expense.
11:16Do you want a drink?
11:17No, give me a glass before it's all gone.
11:20Yes, yes.
11:25Enter.
11:27Oh, customers all gone, Mr Harman?
11:30Yes, sir. Mr Humphrey said he'd be ready to start rehearsals in a couple of minutes.
11:33Oh, by the way, I've got your Humpty Dumpty outfit.
11:36Oh, good.
11:45What are the other departments doing?
11:47Well, I've sussed out what they're doing on the other floors.
11:49Aberdashery's doing buttons and bows.
11:51The account department are doing Indian love lyrics.
11:54And Bathroom Fittings, they're doing excerpts from Gone With The Wind.
11:57And as a pre-arty resistance, young Mr Grace has booked a professional cabaret
12:01to entertain us after we've done our little bit.
12:04Right, now, if you'd like to put this over your head, sir.
12:06I'll get you all ready for the occasion.
12:08Here we are.
12:11There you go. That's lovely.
12:13That's nice like that, isn't it?
12:17Where's Mr Rumbold?
12:19Rumbold, he's here.
12:20Ah.
12:21Oh, well, well.
12:23Hello, Rumbold.
12:25Well, good luck with the cabaret tonight.
12:27Come along.
12:29I hope Mr Humphreys is right about this idea.
12:32You know, doing a sort of ballet thing with so little time to rehearse
12:35seems to me rather adventurous.
12:37Now, he's in his element playing the big producer.
12:40I can tell you how he loves it.
12:48Right.
12:50Everybody on stage for the dance of the toys.
12:53Teddy bear first, teddy bear toy.
13:03Mr Tebbs, are you in there?
13:05Of course I'm in here.
13:07Well, you've got your head on sideways.
13:09Well, I'm looking through the ear.
13:13You're supposed to look through the mouth.
13:15I know, but when I look through the mouth, I can't hear through the ear.
13:20We'll find some way of getting in touch with you.
13:22Come here.
13:23There.
13:24Now, over here.
13:25That's right.
13:26Now, Little Boy Blue, Mr Lucas, it's half past six.
13:29I must check all these costumes.
13:38Mr Lucas.
13:39Mr Lucas.
13:43Mr Lucas, why has Little Boy Blue got a plastic mack on?
13:48Because Little Boy Blue's tights are too tight.
13:53And his smock is too short.
13:55In fact, Little Boy Blue is seriously contemplating on handing in his horn.
14:01I shall be the judge of that. Let me have a look.
14:09We've done that before, haven't we?
14:12Now, where's Little Girl Alice, age four?
14:25Mrs Snowcombe, what are you doing dressed as Little Girl Alice, age four?
14:28You're supposed to be Miss Muffet.
14:30Well, I couldn't get into the Miss Muffet costume.
14:33What makes you think you got into Little Alice, age four?
14:37Well, it's only supposed to be make-believe.
14:39We're going to have to stretch our imaginations.
14:43Now, where's Miss Muffet?
14:44Miss Muffet.
14:47Here I am.
14:53This spider's driving me bonkers.
14:58What's that for?
14:59To sit on.
15:00Miss Brahms, Miss Muffet sits on a tuffet. It's about that big.
15:04I'm not sitting on anything that big in this skirt.
15:08They've got a 12-inch puff in soft furnishings.
15:11I thought he'd have been in the novelty department.
15:15I need a second opinion on Little Boy Blue's tights.
15:18Come on, show Miss Brahms.
15:21I didn't see anything out of place.
15:26In these tights, there's no room for anything to be out of place.
15:29Right, right. Now, take that mack off.
15:31Now, where's the tin soldier, Captain Peacock?
15:35Oh.
15:36Oh, that is nice.
15:38May I ask why Mr Lucas is wearing a plastic mack?
15:42Point taken.
15:46Props, Mr Harmon.
15:48Now, one horse coming up.
15:51Compliments from the display department.
15:53Oh, isn't that sweet?
15:56Would you care to get mounted, Captain Peacock?
15:59You don't look at all comfortable.
16:01I'm not.
16:02Can you walk?
16:04Mm-hm.
16:06Well, can you trot?
16:08Not without irreversible consequences.
16:11Mr Harmon, this is not good enough.
16:13The display went to a lot of trouble with that animal.
16:15Pull the reins.
16:17Ah!
16:29Well, well...
16:31If you don't fancy that, there's only one other thing.
16:34Warwick, bring up the alternative transport.
16:37Come on, Warwick.
16:45Mr Harmon, I can't have my tin soldier riding around on a sheepdog.
16:48We'll lose all sense of reality.
16:50Look, there's only one other alternative.
16:52In the toy department, there's a stick with a horse's head handle.
16:55In the toy department, there's a stick with a horse's head handle.
16:58Warwick, ask Stafford to bring it up, will you?
17:01See if you can tell him where it is.
17:03In the meantime, practice with that.
17:09Captain Peacock.
17:16Oh!
17:18You'll all look absolutely splendid.
17:22Mr Lucas, I suppose there is a very good reason
17:24why little boy Blue is wearing a plastic mack.
17:27There is.
17:30Mr Rumble, to the piano.
17:32Now, we'll go from where little girl Alice, age four,
17:34wakes up into the cot, Mrs Slipcombe.
17:39Push yourself in!
17:45That's how they trap hippopotamuses, you know.
17:48I'll smack your legs in a minute.
17:51Now, let me remind you of the plot.
17:53See, you're a four-year-old little girl,
17:56and you're fast asleep,
17:57and along comes the Fairy Prince,
18:00played by me.
18:14What have I got to lose?
18:21As I was saying, the Fairy Prince comes along
18:23and he scatters fairy dust over you.
18:26Mr Harman, the fairy dust.
18:27Oh, yeah. Here you are, W.H.
18:31Oh, that's magic, Mr Harman.
18:33Don't breathe it in, otherwise you'll get silicosis.
18:38Now then, as I was saying,
18:40now, you're all toys scattered around the nursery casually.
18:44Come along, be casual about the nursery.
18:47Not as casual as that, Mr Lucas.
18:50Captain Peacock, you've got to lol more.
18:52Yes, sit like this.
18:54Lovely.
18:55And teddies sit with their arms stretched straight out.
19:00I said, teddies sit with their arms stretched straight out.
19:04Good, Mr Ted. Very good.
19:06Mr Humphreys, could I have a moment?
19:09What is it, Mr Rumbose?
19:11It's when I sit down, my egg rolls up.
19:14It's when I sit down, my egg rises up.
19:20My face almost disappears.
19:22Well, we all know it's you.
19:24Yes, but I can't see the piano.
19:26Hang on a minute.
19:36You are hard-boiled, aren't you?
19:39Now then, we'll take it from the Fairy Prince's coming-on music.
19:45Hang on, hang on, hang on.
19:47I'm not in my coming-on position yet.
19:51Right, music.
19:53Hey, hang on, hang on, hang on.
19:54Just a minute, just a minute, just a minute.
19:56What is it?
19:59We're all toys in the nursery, right?
20:01Right.
20:02We don't wake up until you sprinkle the fairy dust
20:05until you sprinkle the fairy dust over little Alice, age four-ier,
20:08who then wakes up, winds us all up, right?
20:11Correct, Mr Lucas.
20:13How come the egg is already awake to play the entrance music for the Fairy Queen?
20:17Fairy Prince.
20:23Because the egg is not a toy.
20:27I don't want to be difficult,
20:29but you keep eggs in the kitchen, not in the nursery.
20:32He's quite right.
20:34Well, the noise from the refrigerator kept him awake,
20:37so he came into the nursery to play the piano.
20:41How did the egg get down off the fridge without breaking?
20:46Because the housemaid dropped a tea towel on the floor
20:50and being hard-boiled, it bounced.
20:52Does that satisfy you?
20:54I hope it does, because the blood's rushing to my head.
20:57Can we proceed?
20:58Right, music.
21:05Mmm.
21:23Oi!
21:25Mr Humphreys, are you short-sighted or something?
21:28Why?
21:29Well, you've been past my cock twice
21:31and I'm still waiting for the fairy dust.
21:33I've got to work up to it.
21:35Music!
21:40Bleh!
21:45Serves you right for going to sleep with your mouth open.
21:48Now, we'll take it from the waking-up music.
22:04Oh!
22:06Would you mind looking the other way?
22:08Well, it's only the fairy prince.
22:10Yes, and in a minute he's going to turn to a frog
22:12to keep himself out of mischief.
22:14Now, you wind up all the toys.
22:16Soldier toy first.
22:22Hang on, hang on.
22:24Where's his key?
22:25You have to pretend that he's got a key.
22:28Oh.
22:34He's not a 27 bus.
22:39Good, that's right.
22:42Lovely.
22:43Now, show surprise.
22:45And music!
22:58Now you join in.
23:04Oh!
23:17He hasn't got a very strong spring, has he?
23:19Does he have to run down here?
23:21He runs down wherever his spring runs down.
23:24Right, Mrs Slocum, now all the rest of the toys.
23:26Teddy next.
23:27Come along.
23:31Lovely. Wind him up.
23:32And Teddy springs to life.
23:40I think he's asleep.
23:42I can hear him snoring through the air hole.
23:46Give him a shot of your magic dust.
23:48Mr Tebbs, are you free?
24:02Ha-ha!
24:12Now, then, little boy blue.
24:14Look, do I have to wind everybody up?
24:16It's going to take forever.
24:18That's because you know what's going to happen,
24:20but to the audience, it's magic.
24:24Wind him up.
24:25Show surprise.
24:29Mr Lucas.
24:32Your clockwork, not drunk.
24:35Music!
24:49If he's going to muck about, I'm not playing.
24:52Go over to Miss Muffet and wind her up.
24:54That's right.
24:56Wind away.
24:57Show surprise.
24:59Now, little Miss Muffet dances with little boy blue.
25:02Music!
25:11Now you join them.
25:12That's right in the middle.
25:13And I dash round with the fairy dust.
25:20And we all join together for the last chorus.
25:29Music!
25:49All right.
25:50That was the commissionaire.
25:51The professional cabaret's arrived.
25:53They're on their way up.
25:54Oh, isn't this exciting?
25:56You won't think so when you see what they're doing.
25:59Oh!
26:07They're all the same as us.
26:09Not exactly the same, mush.
26:13Well, what are we going to do?
26:14We can't all do the ballet of the toys.
26:16Well, we'll have to do what we did last year.
26:18We've only got a couple of minutes.
26:19We're the first turn.
26:20Mr Lucas, you're forgetting the fairy dust.
26:29Oh!
26:35Oh!
26:36Oh!
26:39MUSIC
27:07Yeah!
27:25Yep!
27:37Yeah!
27:46MUSIC
28:03APPLAUSE
28:06MUSIC
28:33APPLAUSE
28:37Woo!
28:39APPLAUSE
29:07Second floor, carpets, trolleys, books and pens.
29:10Continuum, sole fellowship, red robin shoes.
29:13Come on!
29:19Fourth floor, tennis glasses, shoes, ring-and-egg suits.
29:22Shirts, socks, ties, hats, undergarments, shoes.
29:24Come on!
29:36MUSIC