Are You Being Served - S07 E02 - Strong Stuff, This Insurance
The staff gets the opportunity to participate in a lucrative group insurance scheme that will land them all sizable pensions upon retirement. Unfortunately, they must first pass through a physical examination. In an effort to shape up without spending too much money, Mr. Humphries enlists his former ballet instructor. After their physicals, they retreat to Young Mr. Grace's office to learn the results, and what they hear shocks them. Guest starring Amanda Barrie and Joy Allen.
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00:00There we are madam. One disco fever dancing skirt and one pair of fluorescent tights.
00:27Oh, and I wonder if I could interest you in a pair of these, Miss Bronx.
00:37Every pair has a different note.
00:40So if you lose your partner in the dark, all you've got to do is shake it about and you'll find you find your ting in it.
00:47That'll do Miss Bronx.
00:51No, not at the moment, I'm looking for a dressing gown for my husband.
00:55Mr. Goldberg, are you free? I'm sorry, Captain Peacock. I'm just stretching a bowler for this customer. May I help you, madam?
01:02No, Mr. Lucas. I have not called you forward. Now get back to your counter.
01:09Mr. Humphreys, are you free? I'm free.
01:17This lady requires a dressing gown for her husband.
01:20What did madam have in mind? Well, it's our wedding anniversary.
01:23Robes, please, Mr. Lucas.
01:26Excuse me, Captain Peacock. Am I senior enough to assist Mr. Humphreys?
01:30If Mr. Humphreys wishes for your assistance, he may have it. Do you wish for my assistance, Mr. Humphreys?
01:34I think it would be invaluable, Mr. Lucas. Then you may have it, Mr. Humphreys. Robes, there!
01:40This is our full range, madam. How tall is the lucky gentleman? Oh, he's about your size. He's not all that lucky, then, is he?
01:47What length do you have in mind? Yes, we have knee-high, thigh-high, and eye-eye.
01:56No, I like them around my ankles. I expect your husband does as well.
02:02They all look very nice, but I'm never quite sure what men like. No, it is a bit of a puzzle sometimes.
02:09Speaking as a man, which do you think?
02:11Well, I'm a sailor.
02:14This is a rather nice one. We also have some fun slogans, madam, which you can have embroidered on the back at very short notice.
02:20Thank you. These are very popular with honeymoon couples. You can have, I did it my way.
02:27Anything you can do, I can do better.
02:29Here's my husband.
02:34Well, we've got just the one for him, haven't we, Mr. Humphreys? We have. Little things mean a lot.
02:41If you don't mind, I'll think about it. Well, certainly, madam.
02:45Just let me know when you're finished. I think I'd rather decide at home, if you don't mind.
02:49Why, certainly. Only don't be too long. The price may go up on Wednesday.
02:53Oh, I hate people like that wasting my time.
02:58I know. He was having ever such a nice gossip till she come in. I don't know about these, though.
03:04I don't think we'll sell many. I mean, what sort of person's gonna buy them?
03:08Well, possibly someone who's going to a dance tonight at the social club and wishes to create a stir.
03:15You don't mean...
03:24Isn't it rather nice to have friends to rely upon?
03:28You must have friends.
03:30Mr. Harman, take that chair away.
03:33I'm sorry, Captain Peacock, but the order to put that chair there was given me by an higher authority.
03:38Mr. Rumbold? No, not Mr. Rumbold, and I do not have to tell you to whom it was.
03:42Mr. Harman, I will not have you speaking to me like that in front of the staff.
03:45It's too late now. They've heard.
03:48For the last time, I'm instructing you to tell me who ordered you to put that chair there.
03:52You're getting like the Gestapo, you is. Really like the Gestapo.
03:55I mean to say, when we come into power, I will be the one who asks the questions.
04:00And you'd better get some good answers ready.
04:03Captain Peacock... Not when I am admonishing Mr. Harman.
04:07In that case, Mr. Harman, I shall report this incident and deal with the matter myself.
04:13Captain Peacock, have you gone mad? You did that deliberately.
04:16Quite right, sir. I was a witness. He tried to assassinate the founder of the store.
04:21I can't apologize enough, sir. I had no idea it was for you.
04:25You only had to ask me nicely, and I would have told you.
04:29These kind of pranks are very dangerous, Peacock.
04:33Yes, I think a very severe reprimand, sir.
04:37No, reprimand's not enough.
04:39Quite right. An assassination attempt deserves a sack.
04:43Perhaps we should take away a privilege, sir.
04:46Very good idea, yes. Remove his flower.
04:49About time he was de-flowered.
04:52Certainly, sir. One moment, Mr. Rumbold. I must protest.
04:55I pay for this flower out of my own pocket, as I do every morning.
04:59Captain Peacock, although you pay for the flower yourself,
05:02it is a privilege for you to wear it on the floor.
05:06That privilege.
05:21Well, that's settled, sir.
05:24You've all done very well.
05:27Excuse me, sir. You came down here to tell them about the health scheme.
05:31Health scheme?
05:34The one we worked out in the office, sir.
05:36Shall I tell them of the latest developments?
05:38Oh, yes, you'd better. I'll make a mess of it.
05:40Oh, I wish he'd get on. My leg's gone to sleep.
05:47What was that?
05:49Mrs. Slocum's tingling knickers.
05:51They're for discos.
05:53My girls, they're very fond of them.
05:59Well, now that it's out, I bought a pair.
06:02I suppose it is a burglar alarm.
06:04Go on, shake it about, then.
06:08I can't hear anything.
06:10Neither can I. Did you think somebody broke in when I wasn't looking?
06:13May we return to the subject of this meeting?
06:16Yes. Now, the Grace brothers have worked out a pension bonus scheme,
06:21which will give you all a lump sum on retirement.
06:24The amount will vary according to your age now, but I can give you some examples.
06:29I hope you're not going to divulge our ages in public.
06:32I wouldn't be so indiscreet, Mrs. Slocum.
06:34But, of course, the younger ones will fare best.
06:38Now, Mr. Lucas and Miss Brahms will qualify for the full amount of £3,000.
06:43Mr. Humphreys, £2,100.
06:46Captain Peacock is the next youngest and will receive £1,700.
06:50Mrs. Slocum is next. Oh, where's that figure?
06:53Oh, Mrs. Slocum, I wonder how much you're going to get.
06:57Now, there's not all that much difference between Captain Peacock and myself, age-wise.
07:02Yes. Captain Peacock, £1,700.
07:06Mrs. Slocum, £700.
07:13Mr. Goldberg, £21.52.
07:18Provided he lasts till the end of the week.
07:21Well, now, Grace brothers are paying for this scheme,
07:24providing, of course, you pass the medical examination, which will be in two weeks' time.
07:28May I say this is a very generous gesture on your part, sir?
07:31I knew he'd say something pompous like that.
07:35On the other hand, if you don't pass the medical examination,
07:38you will have to pay for the scheme yourself, or, of course, not take part in it at all.
07:42Mr. Rumbold, may one inquire who will be the examining doctor?
07:46Oh, Mr. Grace's personal physician,
07:48who is not only highly regarded as a diagnostician,
07:51but who also happens to be homeopathic.
07:53Oh, there's something to look forward to.
08:00Just cabbage. You've not become a vegetarian, have you?
08:04I intend to get a clean bill of health at the medical examination.
08:08And too much meat gives you blood pressure.
08:11If you get through all that cabbage, you'll have more pressure than you can handle.
08:18Sir, I read somewhere that you are what you eat.
08:22Just how long have you been eating sour grapes and ugly fruit?
08:30About as long as you've been eating sheep's brains and pig's head.
08:35No, no, no, no, no.
08:37Argument can bring on acid indigestion.
08:39But we all want to be fit for that medical.
08:41Yes, you're quite right, Captain Peacock.
08:43Just think, when I'm 65, I shall get 3,000 quid.
08:46If I'm lucky, that'll be enough to buy a wheelchair and a pair of crutches.
08:50Isn't it amazing how these youngsters think?
08:53Once you're over 60, you're only fit for the scrappy.
08:57Well, I'm over 60, and I still keep going.
09:00Not for so long.
09:02But I still keep going.
09:06You know, I was at my best when I was 25.
09:09I took this yoga class.
09:11After two weeks, I could put me ankles behind me head and walk round on me hands.
09:16I remember thinking that'll come in useful one day.
09:20Did it?
09:21Well, when you're standing at the bus stop like that,
09:24you soon get to the front of the queue.
09:29What happens if you leave Brace Brothers before you're 65?
09:32Do you get a refund?
09:34Are you thinking of leaving, Miss Brahms?
09:36Well, with any luck, I'm not going to spend the rest of me life in this dump.
09:39Yes, you might be going to be hearing wedding bells.
09:42Oh, is she thinking of taking digs near the church, then?
09:46Some people do ask girls to marry them.
09:49It's not all men who are only after a quick fumble by the fire exit.
09:53Oh, that's where you take them.
09:59Everything you say is full of innuendo and double entendre.
10:05You've been watching Mastermind again.
10:09I suggest that we need an intensive course
10:12to get as fit as we possibly can for that medical.
10:15Yeah.
10:17And I intend to get up early every morning and go jogging.
10:21And with a bit of luck, I'll get Mrs Goldberg at it as well.
10:25I should do one thing at a time, if I...
10:28What we need is to go to a gymnasium with an instructor and have a proper course.
10:32That could be expensive.
10:33I mean, some of those courses cost about £60.
10:36Yeah, and as I'm only getting £21.52,
10:40I'll be on a dead duck.
10:42Dance as a fit?
10:44Well, what's that got to do with it?
10:45Well, I've got a friend who's a dancer.
10:47They'd probably give us a class for next to nothing.
10:49Well, what sort of dancing does he do?
10:51What makes you think it's a him?
10:53My friend's a lady ballet dancer.
10:55I don't want to be a ballet dancer.
10:57Well, you're not going to be.
10:58But they do some marvellous exercises.
11:00That's what gives them the big muscles.
11:02Yeah, I did ballet once.
11:03It's like keep fit to music,
11:05and you have to put your leg up on the bar.
11:07Oh, well, Mrs Slocum's already trained for that at the local...
11:11How much would your friend charge?
11:15Oh, not very much.
11:16I did her a favour once.
11:18May one ask what?
11:19I showed her something that altered her whole life.
11:23What was that?
11:24Well, let me put it this way.
11:26She can't half get to the front of a bus queue quick.
11:31Straight through there,
11:33take the fourth door on the right.
11:34The gentleman in the bedding department
11:36have already got their clothes off,
11:37and they're waiting for you.
11:41Oh!
11:43Who was that?
11:45That's the doctor.
11:46What's doing the examining?
11:47When's your turn?
11:49Next week.
11:50This doesn't leave us much time.
11:51Come on, sir.
11:58Hang on a minute.
11:59Why am I doing this?
12:01She's homeopathic.
12:02Oh, thanks for reminding me.
12:11All right, miss.
12:12I've got the practice bar in place.
12:14I'll put the piano over there,
12:15and Mr Gillespie from the music department
12:17is going to play for us.
12:18Ah, thank you.
12:19Hurry up, class.
12:20We've only got half an hour.
12:34I can't bend down to do up my shoes.
12:38Yes, but you don't have to get someone to help you,
12:40aren't you?
12:41Mr Lucas?
12:42Great.
12:49I am the Fairy Queen,
12:51and now I must retire.
12:52I would away,
12:53but no one's pulled my wire.
12:55Stop fooling about, Mr Lucas.
12:57Come and do up my shoes.
12:59Come and do up my shoes.
13:08Come on, Mrs Slocum.
13:09They're ready.
13:12Come on.
13:26Don't say a word, Mr Lucas.
13:33I wasn't going to say anything, Mrs Slocum.
13:36I had something else on my mind, actually.
13:38I was just thinking it's about time Arsenal
13:40got their new full-backs.
13:44If your brains was dynamite,
13:46you still wouldn't have enough to blow your ears off.
13:56Personally...
13:58Personally, I'm still convinced...
14:01I'm still convinced that we should have worn tracksuits.
14:04Yes, well, it would have cost another £8,
14:07and I'm sure you're well done, Mr Grace,
14:09was reluctant to go to those lengths.
14:11I must say, I'm reluctant to go to these lengths.
14:14Are we all gathered?
14:15Yes, except for Mr Humphreys.
14:26Darling.
14:27Darling.
14:31Oh, you look divine.
14:32And you look so young.
14:34I adore your perfume.
14:37It's quite a shame.
14:39Darling.
14:40Oh, darling.
14:42Do you remember when we last met?
14:44Oh, it's all coming back to me.
14:48You were in Swan Lake, it seems like only yesterday.
14:52Um-ching, um-ching, um-ching, um-ching.
14:55Bum-bum-bum-bum-biddle-um-bum
14:57Bum-bum-bum-bum-biddle-um-bum
14:59Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum
15:01Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum
15:08Hello.
15:10If the principals have finished, can the chorus join in?
15:14Oh, yes, of course. Take your place at the bar.
15:20Sir Lucas, this is not your bar.
15:22That is your bar.
15:24What's the difference?
15:25This one is for management only.
15:30I've been thrown out of better bars than this.
15:33Right, everybody in fifth position.
15:35What's that?
15:36I know what the fifth position is.
15:38I thought you might.
15:40Like this, look.
15:42Right, everybody follow me.
15:44And plie and down, and up.
15:48And keep your legs quite beautifully turned out.
15:52And down to the floor, and watch those rolling ankles.
15:55Very nice.
15:58And one, and two, and three.
16:01And one, and two, and three, and four, and five, and six, and seven, and eight.
16:07And one, and two, and three, and four, and five, and six, and seven, and eight.
16:13Now, this is for you, Mrs. Snow-toe.
16:15And up, and down, and up.
16:26And up you go, boys.
16:32And down to the floor, and up.
16:36And attitude, hold.
16:39And down to the floor, and up.
16:43And attitude, hold, hold.
16:45Up, up, up, up, up, balance, balance, balance.
16:48Very good, very good.
16:50Right, now we're going to try something a little more ambitious.
16:53It's very simple.
16:54Just keep it light and gay.
16:56I'll do the light bit.
16:59Claiborne, darling, do you remember that step we did in Swan Lake?
17:02Oh, I do.
17:03Well, let's improvise on that, then.
17:06A little turn-up.
17:08Lovely.
17:12You haven't lost it, have you, darling?
17:14Not lately.
17:16Come on, Mr. Dart, it's all of you.
17:19And one, and two, and one, and two, and three.
17:26That's right, boys.
17:36Oh!
17:55APPLAUSE
18:04Who have we got today?
18:06The staff from the ladies' and gentlemen's department.
18:08Can you get the men in, and they can undress behind there, as usual?
18:12I'm afraid the dressing gowns haven't come back from the laundry yet.
18:15I'm going that way. I'll see what's happened.
18:19Come in, please.
18:23Where's the doctor?
18:25She'll be back in a jiffy.
18:27There's a cupboard there. Take your clothes off.
18:29Oh, I'll go first.
18:37Mr. Goldberg, you're supposed to put your clothes in the cupboard, not yourself.
18:42Why can't I undress in the open?
18:44I didn't do that in front of Mrs. Goldberg until we were married 25 years.
18:49What did she say?
18:51She said, isn't it funny what things you see when you haven't got a gun?
18:59If you don't feel shy, you can go behind the screen.
19:02We're shy.
19:05I'll stay here in case.
19:07She'll be back in a jiffy.
19:09I didn't do that in front of Mrs. Goldberg until we were married 25 years.
19:15What did she say?
19:17She said, isn't funny what things you see when you haven't got a gun?
19:21If you don't feel shy, you can go behind the screen.
19:25We're shy.
19:34Come along, Mr Lucas, get on with it.
19:37When I was in the army, we had to strip off in the barracks all the time.
19:41I suspect that's where the expression came from, barrack naked.
19:46My brother goes to one of those nudist colonies.
19:49Nobody's allowed to wear a stitch except the chef.
19:53And he wears a metal apron.
19:55The one he's chopping parsley.
19:59Right, now, just take all your clothes and put them in the cupboard.
20:04All I need now are some hangers.
20:07I shan't be a minute.
20:14Come along now, everything.
20:33Oh, can it get any better?
20:57That fills the trees with rare and magic perfume.
21:02Oh, no!
21:09You're required to remove your clothes.
21:11Who said?
21:12The nurse, get behind him.
21:14All right.
21:27I'm not going any further until you turn and face the other way.
21:40I'll not turn and face the other way.
21:48Hurry up, hurry up, the nurse will be back in a minute.
21:51Where's she gone?
21:53She's gone to get us some hangers.
21:58The alarm's working.
22:10It's chilly for the time of year.
22:14I wish that nurse would hurry up with the dressing gowns.
22:17Well, if you're embarrassed, we'll talk about something.
22:22Sooner the better.
22:30Mrs. Goldberg is cooking a hot pot for supper tonight.
22:34That's very interesting.
22:36Yes, well, I mentioned it because I promised to buy the vegetables in the food department.
22:41What are you getting?
22:43I'm going to buy some vegetables for supper.
22:46I promised to buy the vegetables in the food department.
22:50What are you getting?
22:52Frozen sprouts.
22:56Two out of ten.
22:58Is this where we see the doctor?
23:03Yes, but she's not here yet.
23:05I'm sure there are not supposed to be two sexes in the same room at once.
23:09Why not? There was two sexes in the room before we came in.
23:14Why are you all hiding behind that screen?
23:17Because we've got no clothes on.
23:24It's not often we get you at a disadvantage, Captain Peacock.
23:28I'm not at a disadvantage.
23:30She hasn't looked behind the screen yet.
23:34Shall we have a peek?
23:36Were we not likely to get another opportunity?
23:39Keep away, Mrs. Rookham.
23:41See, you were what he said. Keep away, that's an order.
23:44You're all talk when you've got your trousers on, but now you're losing your bottle.
23:49Captain Peacock, I have less to lose than most of you,
23:52but I don't think we should stand here and be insulted.
23:55I quite agree, Mr. Humphreys.
23:57Squad, left turn.
23:59Left wheel, double march.
24:12Here's the medical report for the ladies' and gents' department, sir.
24:16They'll all be up in a moment to know the results.
24:19Oh, and Mr. Harman will be there as well.
24:21What's he want?
24:22He's got the report on your office furniture.
24:25You wanted to insure it.
24:27And you do have some lovely antiques here, don't you, sir?
24:30What do you mean, antiques?
24:32They were all new when I first came here.
24:35Is everybody here?
24:37Line up in order of seniority.
24:41Would you mind waiting out here?
24:43Mr. Grace will see you in a moment or two.
24:50Oh, shut up.
24:56Pull your skirt down.
24:59Well, how did you get on, Mr. Gover?
25:02Well, the doctor shook her head a lot.
25:05She nodded at me.
25:07They never tell you nothing, do they?
25:09She said I was in very good shape for a man of 70.
25:12Well, that should have made you happy.
25:14It didn't. I'm 63.
25:18I think she's got something wrong with her teeth.
25:21All the time she was examining me, she was going...
25:28Well, you've got nothing to worry about, friends.
25:31Isn't it over?
25:33Blimey, the lost tribe.
25:37All men here, sir, with the report you requested.
25:40They're coming.
25:42That'll be our medical reports.
25:44We should do no such thing, Mr. Lucas.
25:49On the other hand, if we should overhear, well, that's another matter.
25:58I can't find the spectacles. You read it.
26:01Yes, sir.
26:03Now, this is the oldest.
26:06The bow front with the short legs.
26:09That'll be you, Mr. Goldberg.
26:12I want to hear the tops in very good condition.
26:15Bit of dry rot in the legs.
26:18And the knobs going to fall off.
26:24What about that pretty little piece?
26:27Well, that must be you, Miss Brahms.
26:29Well, it certainly won't be you.
26:31Outwardly, in very good condition.
26:34Unfortunately, it's got a screw loose.
26:37Oh, the knockers aren't genuine.
26:42The mint shape.
26:44That brings me to this one here.
26:47Oh, the big chest.
26:49Once used by a lot of soldiers.
26:55There was a lot of odd things found in the drawers.
26:59But once removed, you could plainly see the ravages of time.
27:05Oh, and there's rising damp in the bottom.
27:09Now we come to the poof.
27:16Outwardly, in very good condition.
27:19A bit older than it looks.
27:22A bit saggy in the middle.
27:25Probably worth hanging on to if you're prepared to have it stuffed.
27:37Round four for Kimmery Stationary and Leathergoods.
27:40Brinks and Halliday.
27:42Kitchenware and food.
27:49Round four. Telephones, gins, ready-made suits.
27:52Shoes, socks, ties, hats, undergarments, shoes.
28:01Second floor, pockets, clothes and bedding.
28:04Materials for furnishings.
28:13Third floor, telephones, gins, ready-made suits.
28:16Shoes, socks, ties, hats, undergarments, shoes.
28:22APPLAUSE