The staff return from their holidays, and Mr Tebbs has replaced Mr Grainger as Head of Men's Wear. After Captain Peacock returns sounding like Donald Duck and Mr Lucas with burnt feet, the staff are soon told that the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh are making an official visit to the borough, and they might be coming to Grace Brothers. The staff rehearse what to do if the Royal couple visit and on the day they all dress up in their finery and then watch them in the street below from Mr Rumbold's office window. Unfortunately, just as it appears the Queen and Prince Philip might be about to enter the store, Mrs Slocombe accidentally knocks a plant pot off the window ledge which narrowly misses the Royal couple, who get back in their car and speed away from the scene as quickly as possible!
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FunTranscript
00:00Round four perfumery, stationery and leather goods,
00:09wigs and haberdashery, kitchenware and food going up.
00:18Verse four, telephones, gents, ready-made suits,
00:21shirts, socks, ties, hats, undergarments, shoes going up.
00:25You need hands to hold someone who loves you.
00:30You need hands, it's you...
00:33What are you doing, Mr Armand?
00:36It's the new unisex display model, made in Japan.
00:40Do you like that it's a fella? Yeah.
00:42Like that, it's a bird.
00:46That looks a bit odd.
00:48You all right? I've got me rucklewels mixed up with me twiggies.
00:51Oh, you are awful.
00:54Good morning, Mr Grace. Oh, good morning.
00:57Good morning, everybody. Everybody's not here, Mr Grace.
01:00Mr Grace is stopping at every floor to welcome people back from their holidays.
01:05Oh, did you and your secretary have a nice time on your yacht, Mr Grace?
01:09No, no, it was all up and down, up and down, up and down.
01:14Rough weather? Well, it wouldn't like to be anything else, would it?
01:19I'd rather have his money than my body.
01:22I think I'd rather have his money.
01:27Morning, Mr Harman. Morning, Mr Rumball.
01:30Did you and Mrs Rumball have a nice holiday?
01:33Oh, yes, thank you. Yes, we went to the Coconut Islands.
01:38What's happened to your head?
01:41I got hit by a coconut.
01:44Oh, get this model off the floor into its dress, Mr Harman.
01:47The customers will be coming in before long.
01:49Yeah, come on, girl. Hold my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise.
01:54Come on, girl.
01:57Ah, Captain Peacock. You're all cutting it rather fine today.
02:03What's this?
02:06Oh, it's from your doctor.
02:09This is to certify that S Peacock is suffering from a throat condition
02:13acquired during a yodelling holiday in Switzerland.
02:17I have prescribed for him Laryngoex pills,
02:20a gargle and nodule-gone throat spray.
02:24Yes, although fit for work, he should use his voice as little as possible.
02:28Dear me, won't the customers think it rather strange if you don't speak to them?
02:33They'll find it even more strange if I do speak to them.
02:39I'm sorry, Peacock. You must admit it's an extraordinary effect.
02:43If I use this throat spray, it temporarily cures it.
02:47What's happened to your head?
02:49Coconut fell on it.
02:55I'm sorry, sir. That's very funny.
02:58When does he think you'll be better?
03:00In about a week, sir.
03:02Unhappily, there are one or two unfortunate side effects.
03:08Atchoo! Oi!
03:12Like that.
03:14Never mind, I'll get it.
03:19Sorry.
03:21We'll send out for some more. How long does this stuff last?
03:25Not very long.
03:32Good heavens, what's happened to your heart?
03:35My what?
03:37Your heart, your head.
03:39What's the matter with your voice?
03:41I've spent my holiday taking elocution and deportment lessons.
03:45Good morning, Mr Rambold.
03:47Morning, Miss Brahms.
03:49I must say, it's a remarkable transformation.
03:52Yes, I heard my voice on one of their tapes,
03:55and I must say, didn't half sign Dead Common?
03:59What on earth is the matter with you, Mr Lucas?
04:02I burnt my feet in Skegness.
04:04In Skegness?
04:06There was this female acrobat, and she took me back to her flat.
04:09She was showing me out to juggle with a couple of grapefruit
04:12and a cucumber standing on my head when her father came in.
04:15What's this got to do with burnt feet?
04:17He's a fire-eater on the pier.
04:19He took one swig of paraffin from his zip-flask,
04:22flicked his ronson, breathed out, and it was towering inferno.
04:25If he hadn't been short of breath coming up the stairs,
04:28I wouldn't be able to sit down either.
04:30It's a pity he didn't singe your hair. It looks dreadful.
04:33Yes. I'll get it cut right away, Mr Rambold.
04:35No, you will not, Mr Lucas. You will do it in your coffee break.
04:39I trust you're not catching a cold, Mr Lucas.
04:42Well, I wouldn't be surprised.
04:44It's very unhealthy putting your trousers on
04:46after they've been slung off the end of the jetty.
04:49I'll get it cut right away, Mr Rambold.
04:52It's very unhealthy putting your trousers on
04:54after they've been slung off the end of the jetty.
05:01Mr Farve, I've never seen such a whopping conch.
05:07Before anybody else makes any funny cracks,
05:10this is a plastic cover.
05:13My nose caught a touch of the sun on the Costa Blanca,
05:17and this here contains soothing ointment,
05:20I wouldn't take it off, Mrs Slocum. It balances the rest of your face.
05:25When I want advice from you, I'll ask for it, Samson.
05:31Apart from the nose, I trust you had an enjoyable holiday?
05:34I did not.
05:36You know the reputation these Spaniards have for bottom-pinching
05:40and jumping on defenceless ladies at night on the beach.
05:43Was it all true?
05:45No. None of it.
05:51APPLAUSE
05:59As you can see, I've come straight from the airport.
06:03And you are very nearly late, Mr Humphreys.
06:06You're lucky to have me here at all.
06:08I got a customs officer that was working to rule.
06:11What are you looking for, I said?
06:13We're on the trail of an international gang of rhinoceros horn smugglers, he said.
06:17Well, I'm not hiding one way you're looking, I said.
06:20Behold, all isn't big enough. Anyway, I've only been to Guernsey.
06:24Well, you can't serve customers dressed like that.
06:27I'm surprised they let him into Guernsey dressed like that.
06:30Don't worry, I've got me other clothes in here in a couple of ticks.
06:33I'll be back to my normal self.
06:35As near as I can be.
06:38Captain Peacock, how nice to see you. Did you have a pleasant holiday?
06:41Yes, very nicely.
06:44I'm going to take the mickey. I'm sorry, I am.
06:48Don't go, Mr Humphreys. I have a small announcement to make.
06:51Excuse me, Mr Rumble. Before you start spouting,
06:54I've got Captain Peacock's throat swiped from the chemist's counter.
06:58Oh, thank goodness for that.
07:00He got a throat infection during a yodelling holiday.
07:03Has that made it all right?
07:05Yes, thank you, sir, for the time being.
07:07I caught it during the alpine horn competition.
07:11Unfortunately, my team were all using the same horn.
07:14And I was in last, and in the excitement, I forgot to wipe the end.
07:19Well, that can happen when you're in a hurry.
07:24As I was saying, I have a small announcement to make.
07:27Mr Humphreys, Mr Lucas.
07:30Now, as you know, Mr Tebbs is taking over as head of the gentlemen's department.
07:35And I must say, Mr Humphreys was considered for the position,
07:39but the board felt that he was too young.
07:42I'm disappointed, but flattered.
07:47Mr Tebbs, are you there?
07:49I'm here, Mr Rumble, waiting and eager.
07:53This is Mr Tebbs.
07:55Good morning, Mr Humphreys.
07:57I expect he's known to most of you.
07:59Ten years in bathroom fittings, three in footwear,
08:03almost entirely responsible for modernising greeting cards and novelties,
08:07and finally, four years in bedding.
08:10You've left out soft furnishings.
08:12Have I?
08:13Yes, that was between bathroom fittings and footwear.
08:15How long were you there?
08:17Eighteen months.
08:18Mr Tebbs was also eighteen months in soft furnishings.
08:21Yes, I resigned when they introduced beanbags.
08:25Right, right.
08:28Yes, well, with a record like that, I'm sure we're all honoured to have him with us.
08:32Now, this is Mr Humphreys, your senior assistant.
08:35I'm sure if there's anything you can't find, he will find it for you.
08:44And if Mr Humphreys can't find it, it won't be worth looking for.
08:48That's Mr Lucas.
08:50Now, Mrs Slocum, I expect you already know.
08:53We have not actually met, but we do move to each other.
08:57Move?
08:58When we see each other across the store, we... we move.
09:02I always thought he had a stiff neck.
09:06Ah, this is Miss Brahms, ladies junior.
09:09Delighted to make your acquaintance, I'm sure.
09:12Charming.
09:13Captain Peacock, of course, I know of old.
09:15He's quite a legend, Grace Brothers.
09:17Very nice to have you on our floor, Percival.
09:19Thank you, Stephen.
09:21They're as thick as thieves already.
09:24Ah, there's the bell.
09:25Places, everybody.
09:26And good luck, Mr Tebbs.
09:28Thank you.
09:29This way, Mr Tebbs.
09:30I'm sure you'll find everything runs quite smoothly.
09:33If there are any little changes you'd like to make, don't hesitate to say so.
09:37Oh, may I present you with a new tape?
09:39Thank you.
09:40I usually work at this end, and young Mr Lucas looks after that end.
09:44Oh, no. Oh, no.
09:46No, no, no, no.
09:49No, no, I'm afraid that won't do at all.
09:52I will work at that end, and Mr Lucas will work on this side of you.
09:58There.
10:00That's much better.
10:02You see, it's only a little detail, but very important.
10:06We must look after the little things.
10:08Big things take care of themselves.
10:12Isn't that the way of the world?
10:18Your nose is all swolled, Mrs Slocum.
10:21Well, I bust the blister on a sangria goblet.
10:25There's a customer. You deal with her while I make repairs.
10:28Good morning.
10:29Good morning, madam.
10:30I'm looking for a suit to wear mainly for town.
10:33Oh, yes, we've a fraidfully nice one in brine for a rind and a bite, 40 pounds.
10:39How dare you try to imitate me, you cheeky little bounder!
10:45Mrs Bronx, I think you'd better drop the posh accent during working hours.
10:50Well, how did she know I weren't one of her?
10:54Because the quality.
10:56Don't wear their bosoms itched up round their ear holes.
11:00In that case, you should be top of next year's honours list.
11:05Get a brush and sweep out the fitting rooms.
11:08They're very mucky.
11:11And it's the last time I discuss my blister with you on a friendly level.
11:19Oh, that's much better.
11:22Much better, Mr Humphreys. Quite dapper.
11:25Did you get that suit off Peg?
11:27Well, yes and no.
11:28My mother shortened the sleeves and I've got a friend who's a wizard with gussets.
11:33By contrast to Mr Lucas, that handkerchief is not up to my standard.
11:38Does the boy know how to flute?
11:40Well, he has been shown, Mr Tebbs, but he's very forgetful.
11:44Let us all do it together.
11:46These handkerchiefs on the counter.
11:50Grasp the centre with the forefinger and thumb.
11:53Lift. Prepare to flute.
11:57Flute.
12:04Mr Humphrey, I think we'll find a little starch in the water.
12:07We'll put that away.
12:08It's nice to know there's a cure.
12:12Bend.
12:14Reverse.
12:16Insert.
12:17Insert.
12:19And flare.
12:21Now that's how I want to see them every morning.
12:23Just so.
12:24Just so.
12:41You know, I once actually sold seven simulated antique silent flush toilet sweets in one day.
12:49They still talk about it in bathroom fittings.
12:52I had no idea it was so exciting down there, did you, Mr Humphrey?
12:56I think it's the way Mr Tebbs tells it.
12:58Ah, I'm glad you're all here.
13:01I've just come from the boardroom where I was attending a very important meeting.
13:07Yes, we thought there was something up, so we had your toad in the hole put back in the oven.
13:11Yes.
13:12Now, you've probably all read that it's to be a royal visit to the borough.
13:16Now, it appears that they're planning a walkabout on Thayer Street.
13:19Now, this will take the royal party right past Grace Brothers' main entrance.
13:23No.
13:24What an honour.
13:25Just think of it. They'll be walking past our entrance.
13:28I can just imagine it, can't you?
13:30There they are, walking down the street, when suddenly the Queen nudges Philip.
13:33Do you know where we are, she says.
13:35No, he says. Surprise me.
13:37This is Grace Brothers' department store, where rumour has it one man sold seven lavatories in one day.
13:45I ought to pop in and give him the award for industry.
13:49I find these young people with their communist attitudes very tiresome.
13:53Well, Mr. Lucas may well joke, but if the schedule permits,
13:56the royal party may very well come into Grace Brothers' for a little informal shopping.
14:00Oh, the Queen in our store.
14:03Well, of course, we have had a Queen here before.
14:10What exactly are you suggesting, Captain Peaker?
14:12Queen Mary accompanied King George V as part of the Jubilee celebrations.
14:17Did he buy anything?
14:18His Majesty did express interest in a Homburg, and naturally it was given to him.
14:23What, without paying?
14:25It's protocol, Miss Brown. If they express interest in something, it is automatically given to them.
14:30They might have Charles with them. He might express an interest in Miss Browns,
14:33and we'll have to send her up to Sandringham.
14:36I have read that royals have married commoners before.
14:39Commoners, Miss Browns, but not dead common commoners.
14:44You're being right rotten to me today.
14:47Well, you was very rude concerning my bust, and I'm very sensitive about it.
14:54It's a very ticklish subject, isn't it, Mrs...?
14:58You're a very naughty boy.
15:01Do you think that the royal party might actually come into our department?
15:05Well, our orders are to be prepared.
15:08Our orders are to be prepared.
15:10You see, so young Mr. Grace wants us to be acquainted with the correct procedure.
15:15I therefore have to ask you all if you will volunteer to come in after hours.
15:19Speaking for the ladies, it will be an honour, and I am unanimous in that.
15:23I agree entirely. And speaking on behalf of the men, we are ready and willing.
15:29That just leaves you, Mr. Humphreys.
15:33Mrs. Slocum's right. You are a naughty boy.
15:39Ah, Mr. Tebbs.
15:41Yes?
15:42Has your department rehearsed what you intend to do?
15:45Well, I hear that our Mr. Humphreys has a rare talent in these matters,
15:49so I've rather left everything to him.
15:51Mr. Humphreys.
15:52Yes. Young Mr. Grace will bring the royal couple up in the royal lift,
15:56and I thought it'd be rather nice when they arrive at the department
15:59if we give them a polite and loyal round of applause, like this.
16:04Oh, yes. Charming. I like what I'm hearing.
16:06Oh, good.
16:07No, don't answer that. That's the signal that they're on their way up.
16:10Mrs. Slocum and Captain Peacock have consented to stand in for the royal couple.
16:14Places, everybody.
16:15Yes.
16:25Your Royal Highnesses.
16:28Hang on a minute, Your Royal Highnesses. Hang on.
16:31Hang on.
16:39No, stop. No, Mr. Harman.
16:41This red carpet will have to be at the bottom of the steps.
16:43Oh, all right, if you say so.
16:51Matt, if that had been the real thing, you'd be in the Tower of London.
16:54Just leave it where it is for now.
16:56You can't come up in the same lift as them.
16:59Oh, I see. I'm rubbish, aren't I?
17:01Let me tell you, it's people like me that stand and cheer and wave flags
17:04as they gallop past in their coach.
17:06You're not in the coach with them, though, are you?
17:08No.
17:09Right, we'll carry on.
17:12Start again. Start again.
17:22There you are. You see, I don't even know how that's part of working a lift.
17:25And young Mr. Grace, he's gone off with the Queen.
17:30I'm sorry, Your Majesty, my elbow must have caught the button.
17:33Well, accidents will happen.
17:36It would be better if we started again inside the lift.
17:38Yes, but hurry up.
17:40All of you, stand by for the applause.
17:46Are the royal couple ready?
17:47Oh, get on with it.
17:52Right, this way, Your Royal Highnesses.
17:55No, no.
18:01Forget the sword. Forget the sword.
18:03Just undo the belt.
18:05Hang on.
18:15That's not quite the effect we were looking for.
18:17He's wearing Grace's brother's wife, France.
18:22You should entitle us to by appointment.
18:25Shall we start again?
18:26No, carry on.
18:29I should like to introduce you to the gentlemen of the gentlemen's department.
18:34Mr. Grace, you can't do it from up there.
18:36Well, someone will have to get me down then.
18:40Come on.
18:41Mrs. Slocum, the Queen doesn't dash upstairs to bring Mr. Grace down.
18:46Come and stand next to your Prince Consort.
18:48Mr. Brumbold, would you help me?
18:51By the time he gets down, they'll be back at the palace.
18:55Look, wouldn't it be better if you stayed in your office and we could tell you all about it when it was over?
18:59No, I'm going to be here. Get me a chair.
19:01Mr. Grace, you cannot sit down in the presence of the monarch.
19:05Well, it's either that or fall down.
19:08It's quite all right. We understand.
19:10Here you are, Mr. Grace.
19:13Now, now, say your words.
19:16What were they?
19:17Well, you wrote them down.
19:19Oh, yes, I did. I wonder what I did with them.
19:21Oh, come here.
19:24Here we are.
19:26Now, that's your gas bill.
19:29Fee, feel a fan, ring top bell and go straight up to the third floor.
19:34No wonder you couldn't get down those stairs.
19:38I haven't got my reading glasses.
19:40After me, it gives me great pleasure.
19:43It gives me great pleasure.
19:45To be with you.
19:46To welcome you.
19:47To welcome you.
19:48To Grace Brothers' gents.
19:49To Grace Brothers' gents.
19:51Department.
19:52Department.
19:54Here, how come she's been introduced to the gents first?
19:58Yes, I was wondering that.
20:00Yes, supposing she wants to go to the ladies first?
20:03Well, we'll just have to hang around for a bit.
20:06Now, we'll take it from where the royal couple approached the gents' department.
20:10Hang on, let me get to me position.
20:13Right, go.
20:14Stop.
20:18Menswear.
20:21Oh, hello, Mother.
20:22No, love, no, I can't talk now because I'm rehearsing for the Queen's visit.
20:26No, not to your place, dear.
20:28No, here.
20:29Grace Brothers.
20:30Grace Brothers, where I work.
20:33The vicar's with you.
20:35Well, what's that got to do with me?
20:37Well, I can't help it if his church roof's leaking.
20:40Look, I'll tell you what, under my mattress there's an old football sock full of pound notes.
20:46No, don't give him the money, give him the sock.
20:48Come round it up and bung it in the roof at the church and pray for a drought.
20:53I'm sorry about that. Now, where were we?
20:55My husband and I was about to approach the gentlemen's department and could you please get a move on?
21:01These shoes are playing havoc with my bonnet.
21:04Carry on.
21:08Oh, Mr. Lucas.
21:11Mr. Lucas, you're going too far.
21:13All you've got to do is bow.
21:15Your Majesty, it is a great privilege and an honour for a humble store such as ours...
21:20Mr. Rumbo, you can't bow with that plaster on your head, it's macabre.
21:25Do I have to make some sort of gesture of respect?
21:28If you're going to bow, we'll have to cover it up.
21:30Excuse me. Here.
21:36Control yourself, my dear.
21:38Now, carry on.
21:40Here, follow me.
21:50Now, let's be serious.
21:54This is a moment you're going to remember for the rest of your lives.
21:58Great.
22:00Now then, you will start from the foot of the stairs. Go back a bit. Mr. Grace.
22:05Mr. Grace!
22:08Mr. Grace!
22:10The Queen's here.
22:11Bloody hell.
22:14Just a minute, let me get in position.
22:17Right, Mr. Grace, now do your speech.
22:21Something, something, something.
22:24Something, something.
22:26Something.
22:31Your Majesty, it gives a great honour and a privilege...
22:37I won't have it, I won't have it. You must do it properly.
22:41Mrs. Slocum, now you're the Queen and you're him, so let's have a bit of loyal decorum.
22:47Now, come on, to the top of the stairs again.
22:54Lovely. Now then, dignity.
22:58A disdainful smile.
23:02Chest out.
23:03Not you, Mrs. Slocum.
23:05Glide, glide.
23:08You don't want to interrupt, but I'll lock in the store. You've got 30 seconds to get out.
23:29The Royal Party's already in the barra. You ladies from this place should have finished by now.
23:34Yes.
23:40How do you like the outfit, sir?
23:42Grace Brothers' traditional lift outfit.
23:45Unfortunately, people what used to wear it was traditionally smaller.
23:50I don't think the Royal Party want to see your combinations, Mr. Harmon.
23:54Haven't you got any longer socks?
23:56No, Mr. Rumble, but if it pleases you, I'll go over them with black aerosol.
24:01Ah, you look very smart, Captain Peacock.
24:03Thank you, sir.
24:04I hope the Queen don't mind the smell of mothballs.
24:09Where is everybody?
24:10We're free.
24:13And ready for inspection.
24:16Ah, very nice, Percival.
24:25Mr. Humphreys, is it necessary for you to stand like that?
24:28Like what, Captain Peacock?
24:30Like that.
24:31Yes, it is.
24:32Why, Mr. Humphreys?
24:33Because I've got a big mothhole just there.
24:36And if I got through all those balls, I shall never know.
24:40Probably bat moth.
24:43So it is necessary for me to stand like this.
24:45But, Mr. Humphreys, won't you find that a bit of a strain?
24:49Funnily enough, it feels quite natural.
24:53Ladies, are you ready?
24:55Ladies, are you ready?
25:00Oh, Miss Browns, that's quite eye-catching.
25:05Yes, where's Mrs. Slocum?
25:07Oh, she's just fixing her cornet.
25:10Me coronet!
25:16Captain Peacock, I hope you don't mind the sash.
25:19Only I didn't want to be confused with my junior.
25:22Don't worry, Mrs. Slocum, there's no danger of that.
25:26How near are they?
25:27It's from the BBC. I've got me tranny here. I'll plug it in.
25:32Hang on.
25:34Blimey, no.
25:36Well, I never.
25:39Don't that make you feel proud?
25:41What's happening?
25:42Pardon?
25:43What's happening?
25:45The Queen has never looked more radiant.
25:48She's gracefully attired in a pink floral chiffon
25:52with a hat made of large, bold swirls of a similar material.
25:57Ooh, and a simple row of pearls.
26:01And a rock on her finger worth four million quid.
26:04Well, where are they now?
26:06Er, just past a bus stop.
26:08Hang on, the Prince Philip's paused.
26:11He's shaking hands with an Arab.
26:13And they're looking in the window of Lally and Willits.
26:16I hope they're not going to that cheap store.
26:18Why not? They've got a special offer on lawnmowers.
26:22Let's all go to my office.
26:24We shall be able to see them from there, from the window.
26:26Oh, I can't wait to get inside.
26:31Oh, there she is. Hello.
26:33Oh, Miss Brahms, control yourself.
26:35Oh, the swirls on her hat are bold, aren't they?
26:38Why does the Prince always have his hands clasped behind his back?
26:41Well, perhaps he's got a moth hole as well.
26:44Isn't that charming? Look, a little girl is giving her a bouquet.
26:47And now the Queen has given it to Philip.
26:50Oh, Philip's handed it to the Mayor.
26:52The Mayor's given it to an alderman.
26:54He's given it to a policeman on an horse.
26:56Oh, yeah, and the policeman's given it to the horse.
27:00I think the horse is enjoying it more than anybody.
27:03Oh, let's have the commentary.
27:05Yeah, here.
27:07And on this lovely sunny day,
27:09the Royal Party pause once again at the High Street
27:12to shake hands with the crowd.
27:14And then giving a cheery wave and led by the Queen,
27:17they cross the road heading towards the entrance
27:19of Grace Brothers department store.
27:21I wonder if they'll go inside.
27:23They're going to come in. I know it. They're going to come in.
27:26A couple of minutes, we could all be shaking hands.
27:28Mine are shaking already.
27:30The moment they come in, back to your posts.
27:32The Royal Party are pausing at the entrance of Grace Brothers.
27:35There seems to be a whispered conversation.
27:38They're probably wondering whether they should go in or not.
27:41Prince Philip is nodding.
27:43Look out!
27:44I pressed it by an inch.
27:47There's obviously been a change of plan.
27:49The Royal Party are running to the car.
27:53They're in the car,
27:54and the police are clearing the way through the crowd.
27:57And the car accelerates into the distance.
28:00And they're gone,
28:01leaving behind the happy, waving, cheering bystanders.
28:06APPLAUSE
28:12Round for Fury Station.
28:14Grace and Hannah, that's it.
28:16It's all well and good.
28:24Ten pounds, get rid of this.
28:26James, that's fine.
28:28I'm glad to see you.
28:30APPLAUSE
29:00Thank you.