Frasier Season 4 Episode 16 The Unnatural
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00:00My eight-year-old son is visiting me this week, and he asked specifically if I could arrange a tour of the Microsoft complex.
00:08I was wondering what your policy is on...
00:11I'm sorry to hear that.
00:14You know, I don't often trade on my celebrity status, but does the name Frasier Crane mean anything to you?
00:22Sorry to hear that.
00:26Oh, um, you know, it's entirely possible that one day a relative of yours may wish to tour my workplace.
00:33It's a radio station!
00:36Oh, forget it!
00:38Even been close, that would be one thing, but I beat that tag by a mile!
00:43A mile!
00:44Calm down, Slugger, it's all right.
00:45A mile!
00:46I take it you lost the game?
00:48No, we won the game, but Roz got kicked out for arguing with the young.
00:52She kicked dirt on his shoes, chest-butted him, almost took a bite out of his finger when he stuck it in her face.
00:59You can't coach that kind of thing.
01:03All right, there's a guy on second, one guy's out, I drive one to the gap.
01:08The throw to the cutoff man is late, our guys save it home, and I try to stretch it to a double.
01:13I make a beautiful hook slide right under the tag!
01:16How can I be out?
01:18I don't understand why you drove to the gap in the middle of the game.
01:25Listen, I'm gonna go work on the line-up for Saturday's game, you know, I love being in charge!
01:30Oh, can I play second base?
01:32Uh, no, sorry, Liz Budner's playing second.
01:34Liz Budner? Why? What can she do that I can't?
01:38That's what she will do with it, you won't.
01:44Listen, didn't you used to date some executive at Microsoft?
01:48Oh, Scott Blankman, talk about your messy breakups.
01:55Even after I dumped the guy, he kept calling me.
01:58At first he'd make excuses, oh, sorry, I hit the wrong button on my speed dial,
02:02and then he just gave up the pretense and there'd be sobbing on the other end of the line.
02:07I finally said, Scott, I never, ever want to talk to you again.
02:12Why do you ask?
02:13I'd like you to give him a call.
02:16What?
02:17Well, for him to come and visit me this week, the only thing he asked for was a tour of Microsoft,
02:21and I sort of already promised that I could arrange it.
02:26Frasier, you're asking me to call a man who camped outside my apartment building
02:31and held a big sign up that said, Ross Doyle is afraid to love.
02:35Okay, I understand.
02:37I just thought you'd be more sympathetic, that's all.
02:41You recall a story you told me not long ago about a young girl living in Wisconsin
02:48who wanted desperately for her mother to drive her to Chicago to see Bobby Sherman open a shopping mall.
02:55But her mother was just too busy.
02:58So what did that little girl do that night?
03:00She cried herself to sleep on her little Bobby Sherman pillow.
03:07I hate you.
03:17Good morning, Frasier. Is Frederick up yet?
03:20Actually, he went out with his grandfather for an early morning walk.
03:23I went through some of my old albums this morning and found a few photos of us when we were Frederick's age.
03:29I thought he might find them amusing.
03:32There we are, all dressed up, ready for our first Cub Scout hike.
03:36And last.
03:38Yes, well, we didn't exactly endear ourselves to the pack.
03:42All the other kids had those knapsacks.
03:44We showed up with those monogrammed train cases.
03:49Now, as a refresh of my memory,
03:51why are we wearing plastic snouts and a tiny little wading pool around our waists?
03:55Oh, you've forgotten that Halloween we went as the Bay of Pigs.
03:58Ah!
04:02As I recall, nobody got it.
04:04I finally had to take the telling that we were Swine Lake.
04:09Didn't get that either.
04:13That was a long evening.
04:16So, what do you have in store for Frederick this Friday?
04:19Well, we're going to go whale watching, the planetarium,
04:22and Roz will help me arrange a tour of Microsoft.
04:25It's the one thing that Freddie specifically requested.
04:28Someone's making a run for Dad of the Year.
04:30Yes, well, you know how it is.
04:32Don't get to see him as often as I'd like.
04:34Memories of this trip will have to last until the next one.
04:39Can you blame me for wanting it to be perfect?
04:42Hi, Dad.
04:43Oh, hello, Freddie.
04:45Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story
04:47how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?
04:51No.
04:52He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers
04:54with just a revolver, his partner, and a SWAT team.
04:57They got there later.
04:59Hello, Uncle Niles.
05:01Hello, Frederick.
05:03My, aren't you getting big.
05:06I'm the same exact size I was the last time you saw me.
05:10Well, your mother's cooking will do that for a growing boy.
05:16Are we going to Microsoft today?
05:18Well, actually, Freddie, I thought we'd go by the radio station.
05:21I could show you where I work.
05:23That'll be fun, won't it?
05:24Yes.
05:25When are we going to Microsoft?
05:27Well, Saturday.
05:29Excellent.
05:31Hey, good morning, Dr. Crane.
05:33Good morning, Daphne.
05:35Hi, Daphne.
05:38Hello, Frederick.
05:40Hey, Freddie, tell your dad what you saw in the park with A.S.
05:43Hi, Daphne.
05:47Frederick's my boyfriend.
05:49Oh, really?
05:51I've got a present for you.
05:53Thank you.
05:55That's so cute. He's got a crush on you.
05:58Yes, you should have seen him last night.
05:59He spent the entire evening sitting on Daphne's lap watching TV.
06:04Really?
06:09And this morning, I heard this soft little knocking at my door,
06:12and it was Frederick asking if he could climb into bed with me.
06:18Really?
06:21It's for you.
06:23Oh, wow.
06:25Isn't this lovely?
06:27Look, here's Frederick, and here I am.
06:30And what are we doing?
06:32Getting married.
06:35Really?
06:39Well, come on, Frederick. Let's go hang this on the fridge.
06:42Okay.
06:45Frederick, do you really think it's healthy for a little boy
06:47to be so obsessed with a woman he can't possibly have?
06:51Yes, have you actually sunk so low as to be jealous of him?
06:55No, I'm not jealous. I'm just a bit...
06:58Oh, maybe envious.
07:02That's ridiculous. What have you got to be envious of?
07:05Hold on!
07:06Please!
07:08Please!
07:13Please!
07:24And this is the booth where it all happens.
07:27Very impressive.
07:29Well, this is the talkback button here if I want to talk to Roz,
07:35and this is the cough button if I want to mute the mic.
07:37Oh, and this button here is very special.
07:39It sends a death ray shooting from the phone of any caller who annoys me.
07:44You wish.
07:47Yes, I do.
07:49Well, okay, Roz, what have we done to ourselves today?
07:53Well, we went out last night to celebrate our big win.
07:56Had a few margaritas.
07:58Someone started a conga line.
08:00I wasn't going to get in it, but then Gary, our shortstop,
08:03got on the end of the line,
08:05and has a butt that makes you want to reach out with both hands
08:08and give Freddy a great big Seattle hug.
08:13Good save, Roz.
08:14Thank you.
08:15Freddy, I don't believe you've met Bulldog.
08:17Hey, kid.
08:18Why are you called Bulldog?
08:20Uh, people just always call me that.
08:22But why?
08:26I don't know.
08:27Well, all right, Bulldog. Roz and I have a show to prepare for.
08:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:31Wait a minute. This is important.
08:33Why do people call me Bulldog?
08:36There has to be a reason.
08:40This is going to drive me nuts.
08:44So who's going to sub for me in the game on Saturday?
08:46We've got to have a ninth body out there. We forfeit.
08:49All right. Uh, how about Mindy Guthrie?
08:52Eight months pregnant.
08:54July, August, September, October, November, December.
09:03Anyway, you'd better find somebody else.
09:05And speaking of bad news, Frasier,
09:07I finally got a call from Scott Blankman.
09:09Oh, Roz, uh, Frederick, why don't you talk with Bulldog for a minute?
09:12I have to discuss something with Roz.
09:14Okay.
09:15Oh, yeah, no problem.
09:21Oh, yeah, hey, hey.
09:22In a little while, I'm going to bring in my car
09:24and you can hit the gong.
09:26Why?
09:28It's loud. I make a lot of loud noises in my show.
09:32Why?
09:34I don't know.
09:35Boy, I'm starting to get a headache.
09:38If you need a softball player, why don't I use my dad?
09:41Oh, yeah, right.
09:44Isn't he good?
09:47Oh, yeah, yeah, he's great.
09:49He is the best, you know.
09:51Um, I wish he could play,
09:53but I think your dad's busy Saturday.
09:55He's taking me to Microsoft.
09:57Yeah, right.
09:59Oh, man, I wish he could play
10:01because if he were playing, we win for sure.
10:04I'm sorry, Fraser, that's all I can do.
10:07Scott quit Microsoft right after we broke up.
10:11I don't look forward to telling Frederick.
10:14He'll be so disappointed.
10:16Well, you know, if he wants a tour of a seminary,
10:18I've got an in there now.
10:25I don't know. I give up.
10:27Abraham Lincoln, what school did you go to?
10:34Frederick.
10:36Dad, I don't want to go to Microsoft anymore.
10:40You don't?
10:42Oh, hey, yes, he does. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
10:44Hey, what kind of boy wouldn't want to spend a day at Microsoft?
10:47Stay out of this.
10:48Now, listen, Frederick,
10:50you know, this is your vacation.
10:53You are the boss. Whatever you say goes.
10:55Great. I want to see you play in the softball game.
10:58What?
11:00You could take Roz's place.
11:02Well, I, you know, as much as I'd love to play softball,
11:05I really don't think the Bulldog wants me to.
11:07Yes, he does. He said you were the best, right?
11:11That's what he said.
11:15Thank you, Bulldog.
11:17So you'll play?
11:19Well, I'll see how I can refuse.
11:21Great. I can't wait to tell Daphne.
11:23Oh, yes, well, speaking of Daphne,
11:25while you're waiting for Daphne, why don't you go on out
11:27and get yourself a candy bar out of the machine?
11:30Mother says candy bar's too senior.
11:32Yes, well, too other side of your mouth.
11:34Rot your baby teeth.
11:37Bulldog, what the hell do you think you're doing
11:39telling him I'm a good softball player?
11:41Hey, I was trying to be nice.
11:42You want me to tell him you're a big lame-o?
11:44No, I don't.
11:46Hey, look, I know how tough it is when you're a kid
11:48and you find out your dad's not as great as you thought.
11:52Look, I was about Frederick's age when...
11:57Well, I came home, my mom was out,
11:59and I caught my dad with another woman.
12:04Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry.
12:06No, no, no, wait.
12:08You haven't heard the bad part yet.
12:11She was ugly, Doc.
12:14I mean, coyote ugly.
12:16I mean, coyote ugly.
12:19My own dad.
12:21And the best excuse he could come up with was,
12:23hey, you don't look at a man-o when you're poking the fire.
12:31Hey, I just got that.
12:41I just keep thinking back to that time
12:43when Dad made us try Little League.
12:46I'll never forget the humiliation of getting up to bat
12:48for the first time in my life.
12:51Hearing the other team all cry out,
12:54move in, everybody.
12:56Cranes up.
12:59Yes, but they moved right back out again
13:01after you took your first swing.
13:02Only because the bat flew out of my hand.
13:07You worry too much.
13:09Your co-workers aren't expecting you to play brilliantly.
13:12No, I can live with playing badly in front of my co-workers.
13:15It's Frederick I'm worried about.
13:18Still at that age where he thinks his father can do anything.
13:21Every child at some point must discover
13:24that his father is not a superhero.
13:26I know.
13:27It's a healthy part of the developmental process.
13:30I know, I know.
13:31Someday he's going to have to learn that I'm not perfect.
13:33It's just...
13:34I was hoping it might be something less humiliating
13:36like seeing me fast dance at a family wedding.
13:42You consider that less humiliating?
13:45Hello.
13:46Look who's here.
13:47Oh, you two have fun while I was at work?
13:50Yes.
13:51Oh, yes.
13:53We went to the amusement park.
13:54We had a lovely time.
13:56Only I think the ferris wheel scared him a bit.
13:59He spent the whole ride hugging me for dear life.
14:03Really?
14:06Her hair smells like strawberry.
14:10It smells like peach blossoms, lavender and vanilla.
14:14From over here at least.
14:18Uncle Niles, are you coming to watch my dad play in the softball game?
14:22He's the best one on the team.
14:24Of course I am, Freddie.
14:26I'll be there sitting right between you and Daphne.
14:31Come along, Frederick.
14:32Let's go and get some hot chocolate.
14:34Okay.
14:35So, you see the problem?
14:37I certainly do.
14:39No, let's go upstairs.
14:42No, that's your problem.
14:45The problem is that I promised Frederick I would play on Saturday.
14:49Guess I'm left with only one choice.
14:51You're going to fake an injury?
14:52No, of course not.
14:53I've got to learn how to play softball.
14:55In two days?
14:57Well, back in college when Stu Oberfeldt got sick,
14:59I learned the role of Mercutio in just a day and a half.
15:01I was brilliant.
15:03God, even the dueling scene.
15:04The audience was on the edge of their seats.
15:06Yes, and they were under them when the sword flew out of your hands.
15:12Hey, Dad.
15:13I want to thank you for helping me out with this.
15:15Ah, don't mention it.
15:17We're going to whip you right into shape.
15:20It must have been kind of disappointing for you.
15:22I never took any interest in this sort of thing as a kid.
15:25Well, I understood.
15:27I guess it's a little complex I must have developed when I was growing up.
15:32You know, doorbell would ring.
15:34I'd run to answer it.
15:35I'd run to answer it.
15:37When I was growing up, you know, doorbell would ring.
15:40I'd run to answer it.
15:42And then there'd be the neighborhood kids with their baseball gloves
15:46and their fats looking for somebody else to join their game.
15:51They'd say, hey, can your dad come out and play?
15:55Well, never mind that.
15:57You know, it's kind of fun to finally be out here.
16:01Well, at the risk of sounding like Stanley,
16:03cornering Blanche Dubois in Streetcar,
16:06we've had this date with each other from the very beginning.
16:09I knew you'd ruin it.
16:11All right, come on, put your helmet on.
16:14Ow.
16:15Gee, it's kind of tight.
16:17Yeah, well, it's supposed to.
16:18It stops you from getting hurt.
16:20Ow!
16:21Okay.
16:23There you go.
16:25Now,
16:28take your bat,
16:29get into the stance just like I told you.
16:31I'm going to turn the machine on.
16:34You know, the good thing about these balls
16:36is that they're all at the same level
16:38so you can work on your form and your timing, all right?
16:42Okay, now, here we go.
16:45Ow!
16:47What is that, a printing machine or a particle accelerator?
16:53All right, all right, I'll crank it down to a lower setting.
16:57Okay, now, just remember,
16:59left elbow in, right elbow up,
17:02knees bent,
17:04ball the weight on the balls of your feet, okay?
17:06Now, just step into the pitch.
17:12Oh, yeah, and swing the bat.
17:16Can't you just slow it down a little bit?
17:18All right, all right,
17:19but if any of the other fathers come back here,
17:21I'm taking it off the peewee setting.
17:24Okay, all right, now, from the hips.
17:27Nice and easy.
17:28Don't try to kill it.
17:29Just try to make contact, okay?
17:31You ready?
17:34Ready.
17:36Ow!
17:41What are you looking at?
17:43Dad, you're looking at me.
17:44Get out of here.
17:45Go on.
17:46Puzzle off.
17:58Nope.
18:00Did you hear that?
18:01Did you hear that?
18:02I touched it that time.
18:03I did.
18:04No, I didn't.
18:05That was my knee cracking.
18:07Hey, you're doing a lot better, though.
18:09That's six in a row
18:10without hitting yourself in the kidney
18:11on your follow-through.
18:13Oh, who am I kidding?
18:14This is hopeless.
18:15Oh, well,
18:16I tell you what,
18:17why don't we just try changing bats all day?
18:19Please, I couldn't hit that ball
18:20if I had a sofa cushion.
18:22All right, so,
18:24softball's not your game.
18:26It's no big deal.
18:27Now, Freddy'll understand that.
18:29Oh, I suppose.
18:31In time, he will.
18:32It's just that...
18:33Ow, ow, ow, ow.
18:37Oh.
18:38No boy ever forgets the first time
18:41he learns that his dad isn't perfect.
18:45That's not what I wanted him
18:46to take away with him on this trip.
18:48Anyway, thanks for your help.
18:49Oh, don't mention it.
18:53So, uh, Frazier, uh...
18:56what was it for you?
18:57Huh?
18:59Oh, well, you know, I mean, uh,
19:01when you first found out
19:03that I was less than perfect.
19:07I don't know.
19:08Well, I thought you said a kid
19:09never forgets the first time.
19:10Well,
19:12maybe it was no one time.
19:14Oh, so it was a lot of times?
19:15Well, no, I just,
19:16I'm not very comfortable
19:17talking about it right now.
19:18Well, go ahead.
19:19You're not gonna hurt my feelings.
19:20I'm just curious.
19:21All right, all right.
19:24Back in third grade.
19:27You took me and some of the boys
19:29from the math club out for pizza.
19:34When the check came,
19:38you couldn't figure out
19:39the tip in your head.
19:43I can't do math in my head?
19:45That's your big disappointment?
19:47Well, it wasn't the time.
19:49Well, I wonder if I can calculate
19:51in my head how many hits you got today.
19:53Let me think.
19:55Zero!
19:56Fine, fine, Dad.
19:57Get defensive.
19:58I was eight years old.
19:59Eight?
20:00That's the one shaped
20:01like a snowman, right?
20:02Oh, I'm sorry.
20:03I even brought it up.
20:04God.
20:09I guess I'm just gonna have to
20:10bite the bullet,
20:11sit Frederick down on Saturday
20:12before the game,
20:15tell him the truth.
20:19It's not a conversation
20:20I'm looking forward to,
20:21but I should prepare him
20:22for the fact that
20:24his daddy's not gonna be
20:25hitting any grand slams on Saturday.
20:31Or am I?
20:32Wait.
20:33A grand slam is...
20:34You aren't.
20:38Well, anyway,
20:40I suppose one consolation is,
20:42you know,
20:43as disappointed as I was with you
20:45after the pizza incident,
20:46yeah, here we are,
20:47all these years later,
20:48out in a batting cage.
20:50Yeah, that's right.
20:52I'll get us a couple of beers.
20:54Thanks, Dad.
20:55Okay.
20:56And, uh,
20:57how many of these
20:58shiny things
20:59do you think I need?
21:00Oh, shut up.
21:07Hello, now.
21:08Frasier,
21:09you look like an authentic jock.
21:11I'm half tempted
21:12to hand over my lunch money.
21:16Is that a good idea?
21:17Appropriate
21:18baseball-watching attire?
21:20Obviously,
21:21you failed to detect
21:22the subtle diamond pattern
21:23in my tie.
21:24Oh.
21:30So, uh,
21:31how'd your little talk
21:32go with Frederick?
21:33Well,
21:34I haven't been able
21:35to bring myself
21:36to do it yet.
21:38I guess as a father,
21:39you go to any lengths
21:40to avoid looking foolish
21:41in front of your son.
21:42You look what
21:43Mrs. Thorgeson
21:44was throwing out.
21:45Boy,
21:46the guys in my guineas
21:47are gonna love that.
21:54Well,
21:55anyhoo...
21:59Frederick,
22:00what have I told you
22:01about running in the house?
22:02You told me
22:03to never run in the house.
22:04Well,
22:05what have I told you
22:06about splitting infinitives?
22:07Frasier,
22:08let the boy
22:09be a boy.
22:10Don't run away.
22:11I saw you.
22:12Your son
22:13just walked right in
22:14on me in the shower.
22:16Frederick.
22:17Dad,
22:18all I really saw was...
22:19I am very disappointed
22:20in you, young man.
22:21Let the boy
22:22finish.
22:32All I really saw
22:33was a lot of steam.
22:36I'm sorry, Daphne.
22:38I didn't know
22:39you were in the shower.
22:40Now you hate me.
22:41Come on.
22:42I don't hate you.
22:43You just have to promise
22:44to not before
22:45you enter a room, okay?
22:49Sorry, Dad.
22:52That's okay, son.
22:53So,
22:54when are we going
22:55to the game?
22:57In a bit.
22:59First,
23:00we have to have
23:01a little conversation,
23:02the two of us.
23:03Uncle Niles,
23:04do you think you could
23:05give us a moment alone?
23:06Oh, of course.
23:07I'll freshen up for the game.
23:10You can fool them,
23:11but you can't fool me.
23:17I'm on to you,
23:18little man.
23:23Come on, Freddy.
23:25Come and have a seat here.
23:30Okay.
23:33You're going to see me
23:34play some softball today,
23:38and I'm not going
23:39to play very well.
23:42You see,
23:43I'm not a good softball player.
23:45But Bulldog said
23:46you were the best.
23:47Yes, I was.
23:48I was.
23:49I was.
23:50I was.
23:51He said you were the best.
23:52Yes, I know.
23:53He was just lying
23:54in order to
23:55be nice.
23:58Truth is, I stink.
24:00Can't catch,
24:01can't throw,
24:02I can't hit.
24:04Oh.
24:07So, it must be
24:08pretty disappointing
24:09here for the first time
24:10that your dad's not perfect, huh?
24:12It's not the first time.
24:17You couldn't fix my computer.
24:19You thought Venus
24:20was the North Star.
24:23And
24:24I've seen you run.
24:30Oh, why didn't you
24:32mention any of these things
24:33to me before?
24:34I thought it might
24:35hurt your self-esteem.
24:40Actually, Frederick,
24:41I'm really okay
24:42with those things.
24:43I am.
24:44I just want you to know
24:45that it's okay for you
24:46to feel bad about this.
24:48See, when I was about your age,
24:49I felt real bad about
24:51learning that
24:52your grandpa can't do math
24:53in his head.
24:55I learned later, of course,
24:56that that really wasn't
24:57very important
24:58because he can do so many
24:59other things so well.
25:01Grandpa can't do math
25:03in his head?
25:04Yes, well, see...
25:08That's not really the issue.
25:09Why don't you go and
25:10tell him that?
25:11I'm not fitting a point.
25:13You mean you can't
25:14do it at all?
25:15Well, yeah, sure I can,
25:17Freddy.
25:18I knew you could.
25:19What's seven times fifteen?
25:22You could do it, Grandpa.
25:26A hundred and fifteen?
25:28Oh, Grandpa!
25:29Well, thanks a lot, Frasier!
25:30Why, why, for God's sake!
25:33Ready for the game?
25:34Yeah.
25:36Don't sound too excited.
25:38I just found out
25:39Dad's bad at softball
25:41and Grandpa can't do math
25:43in his head.
25:45Those things aren't important.
25:47What can I do to make
25:48you feel better?
25:49Maybe a hug?
25:51Oh, come here.
25:54Oh, there you go.
26:11Hey, baby, I hear the blues
26:13a-callin', tossed salads
26:15and scrambled eggs.
26:18Mercy.
26:20And maybe I seem
26:21a bit confused.
26:23Yeah, maybe.
26:24But I got you pegged.
26:26Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
26:28But I don't know
26:29what to do with those
26:31tossed salads and
26:32scrambled eggs.
26:37They're callin' again.
26:40Scrambled eggs
26:41all over my face.
26:44What is there more to do?
26:49Goodnight, Seattle!
26:50We love you!