Frasier Season 4 Episode 18 Ham Radio
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00:00May I have a tall skinny to go, please, and you can keep the change.
00:04You know, I've only got a moment. I've taken on a very exciting project.
00:08Oh, really?
00:09Yes. Well, you know, this is KCL's 50th anniversary.
00:12I did a little research, found out that they used to specialize in live radio dramas.
00:18So, I'm putting one on. Dad, surely you must remember that.
00:21Oh, sure.
00:22Yes, but people of Dad's generation would sit around at night, listening to the radio, absolutely mesmerized.
00:28We were simple people.
00:31All right, Dad. Anyway, I spoke with the station manager.
00:34He's given me 30 minutes to recreate the very first mystery KACL ever aired.
00:40Nightmare Inn.
00:43Oh, don't tell me. I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm,
00:47and everybody's wondering who's going to be the first one murdered.
00:50Exactly. And I'm going to direct.
00:52Oh.
00:53So we can stop wondering.
00:58What, you don't think your brother knows how to direct?
01:00No, the trouble is he doesn't know how to stop directing.
01:04During our prep school production of Richard the Third, he drove the entire cast crazy with his constant critiquing.
01:10Do you recall a delay on opening night while our Richard chased Frasier around the dressing room, beating him with his hump?
01:17Oh.
01:18It's just a little backstage horseplay to relieve tension.
01:22Oh, thank you.
01:23You have an Orson Welles complex.
01:25By the end of this week, you'll not only be directing, you'll have rewritten the script and be playing the lead.
01:29I have no intention of performing in it myself.
01:32The only rewriting I've done is simply cutting to get it down to 30 minutes.
01:36Frasier Crane's Nightmare Inn?
01:39It's just a working title.
01:46Well, that's our show for today.
01:49But let me remind you to tune in on Saturday night for KACL's presentation of Nightmare Inn.
01:58Just set your dials for goosebumps.
02:02Until then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane reminding you that you'll never know what's lurking in the shadows.
02:20Well, that should certainly comfort the woman who called in about her paranoia.
02:27Listen, do we have a leading man yet?
02:29No.
02:30Well, you could do it.
02:31Oh, don't be silly, Ross.
02:33It is a juicy part, does call for a strong voice, but believe me, my hands are full.
02:39Oh, Frasier, I've had a quick peek at your script and I think I'd be perfect as Bull Cregan, the brutish gamekeeper.
02:50You know, Gil, I think that's just a bit too on the nose.
02:55But you know what you could play?
02:57Just Nigel, fair service, drummed out of the Royal Air Force under mysterious circumstances.
03:06With him playing it, they may not seem so mysterious.
03:11I'll take it.
03:12After all, Nigel does have that divine speech in the second act about his boyhood in Surrey,
03:19romping with his school chums in the Fens and Spinneys when the twilight bathed the hedgerows like a lumbering flame.
03:30Atcher had rather a long peek at the script.
03:36Gosh, we still have a lot of these supporting roles to cast.
03:39Yes, well, actually, I'm working on that.
03:41You know, Jennifer, down in accounting, is married to a professional actor who specializes in dialects,
03:46thinking of asking him to play six or seven of the smaller parts.
03:49Hey, Doc, need one more for your plate?
03:52Absolutely, Bulldog, just as long as you promise to promote it on your show.
03:56Oh, actually, I wasn't talking about me.
03:58I was talking about a friend of mine, Maxine.
04:01Well, does she have any experience?
04:03Are you kidding?
04:04If she had a dollar for every minute she spent on stage...
04:07Oh, wait a minute, she does.
04:12Well, we do still have the part of the mage.
04:14She only has one line.
04:15Does it have any big words?
04:17No, it's simple.
04:18Look out!
04:19He's got a gun!
04:20Maxine could knock that line right out of the park.
04:23Well, okay, but you've got to agree to play a part, too.
04:26We still need someone for the sinister silk merchant.
04:30Okay, it's a deal.
04:32And Maxine is going to be so excited.
04:34I've got to remember to pick her up one of those cute little French maid outfits on my way home from work.
04:39It's radio, Bulldog.
04:40She doesn't have to appear in costume.
04:42Maybe here she doesn't.
04:47Well, we're getting there.
04:48Except for the lead.
04:50I haven't found anyone even remotely qualified to play a wily old Scotland Yard inspector.
04:55No, you may be right, Ross.
04:57I'm going to have to bite the bullet to take on the part myself.
05:00Excuse me, Dr. Crane.
05:02Is it too late to read for the role of the inspector?
05:05I'm afraid the part has already been cast.
05:20Come on in.
05:21Hi, Daphne.
05:22Hello, Bulldog.
05:23You're right on time.
05:25Good.
05:26We have to be on our toes tonight.
05:28We have a professional actor with us.
05:30Mel White, our man of a thousand voices.
05:33Oh, it's a huge pleasure.
05:34Yes.
05:35Mel is going to be playing Hans, the German butler.
05:37Both McAllister sisters.
05:39And Pepple the dwarf.
05:41The little man with a big secret.
05:47Are the same guys playing all those parts?
05:49Yes, he's also playing Bull Cregan, the gamekeeper.
05:52And O'Toole, the handyman.
05:53You think you're up to it, Mel?
05:54Just so they don't all talk at once.
05:58Isn't it lovely to be working with a professional?
06:03Oh, Bulldog, where's Maxine?
06:05Oh, she's home with food poisoning.
06:07It's nothing serious.
06:08I think she just wrestled in some bad jello.
06:16Oh, never mind.
06:17Just has one line anyway.
06:19Look out.
06:20He's got a gun.
06:21You think you might be up to that this evening, Daphne?
06:24I'll try.
06:27Um, Frasier, one of Nigel's lines seems to be missing.
06:32Oh, yes, I had to cut the play by 20 minutes, Gil.
06:34Oh, yes, yes.
06:35But that line so neatly defined Nigel's character.
06:38Saying gesundheit after the butler sneezes?
06:41It shows he's a caring person.
06:45It's cut, Gil. Learn to let go.
06:46Oh, very well.
06:48As long as I still have that delicious speech about my boyhood in Surrey.
06:52Yes, that's still it.
06:53Rumping with my school chums.
06:56And spinning.
06:57Yes, yes, that one.
06:58Yes, thank you.
07:01All right.
07:02Now, I fear we may be running just a bit long still.
07:06So I've asked Daphne to time us this evening.
07:08And also, Noel hasn't rounded up all the sound effects yet.
07:11So I'm going to have Daphne read those directions as well.
07:15Now, that's a lot of responsibility on you, Daphne.
07:17You sure you're up to it?
07:23All right.
07:25Start the watch.
07:27Stage direction.
07:29Sound of door opening.
07:31Inspector, thank God you've come.
07:34Start the watch.
07:37Ross, I have a line here that says,
07:40When she opened her lips, I caught a hint of some exotic accent.
07:44You'll notice it does not say,
07:46When she opened her lips, cheese fell out.
07:50Now, start the watch.
07:55This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndyke.
07:57Sound of door closing.
07:59I can't believe any of my guests could be a multiple murderer.
08:04It's easy for you to say.
08:06But my job is to suspect everyone.
08:08Please, introduce me to your guests.
08:11This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wayne.
08:14This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wayne.
08:19Start the watch.
08:21What's your problem?
08:23Wang?
08:27You gotta give me another name. I'll crack up every time I hear that.
08:30All right. All right.
08:35How about Wing?
08:37All right, that's a great old Chinese name.
08:40Everybody, change Wang to Wing in your scripts.
08:44Sound of people changing Wangs to Wings.
08:53Uh, from your line. Stop it.
08:56This is the silk merchant, Mr. Wayne.
09:00Did you see anything suspicious, Wing?
09:02Oh, me no looky. Me go verify chop chop.
09:06Stop!
09:08He's the embassy online woman.
09:11You can't say that.
09:13It's all right. It's all right. I'll just adjust his dialogue later. All right.
09:17Start!
09:19I'm Nigel Fairservice, Inspector.
09:22I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tragedy occurred.
09:26Did anyone see you?
09:28Several people. Hans, the German butler.
09:31Here I saw the gentleman.
09:33Stop.
09:35That's wonderful, Mel.
09:38But he sounds to me just a bit more Austrian than German.
09:43I've done that accent both on Broadway and the London stage.
09:48Yes, well, perhaps they have different standards than I have.
09:52All right, everyone.
09:54From the beginning once again. Now this time, please, people, dig in and try to find the reality.
10:00From the dwarf's entrance.
10:05And so the case was closed.
10:07And with a grateful shudder, I swore I'd never return.
10:12Nightmare Inn.
10:15Stop. Time.
10:17That's, uh, 32 minutes, 40 seconds.
10:21Damn. I'll have to try to trim some more before we try again.
10:24Again?!
10:25Oh, well, you're going to do it until I'm completely satisfied.
10:28Oh, which reminds me, Mel, um...
10:32I'm still not entirely happy with the second Macalester sister.
10:36Oh?
10:38Well, yes, she doesn't sound spinsterish enough to me.
10:42I see. You also told me that my gamekeeper sounded too cultured,
10:47that my Irishman sounded more Protestant than Catholic,
10:51and that my dwarf was too tall.
10:54Let me try Hans again. Tell me how my German is sounding.
11:01I quit!
11:03Oh, wait!
11:06Sound of door slamming.
11:12So what do we do now, boss?
11:14Not to worry. I have a plan.
11:16Oh, yeah, right. We're supposed to do this thing tomorrow night.
11:20Where are you going to find an idiot willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed?
11:25Niles!
11:27Sound of ominous organ music indicating trouble ahead.
11:36Oh, there's your brother.
11:38How's he enjoying the prospect of playing six parts?
11:41Actually, he doesn't know about it yet.
11:44If he did, he never would have agreed.
11:46Frasier, you told me you were going to messenger the script to me this morning.
11:50I'm so, so sorry. I was tinkering with it until the very last minute.
11:54Don't worry. Your natural talent will carry you through.
11:56All right, look. Take a look at this.
11:59Noel is going to give us a demonstration of the sound effects.
12:01What have you got, Noel?
12:03Okay.
12:05This is my door sound.
12:07My thunderscreen.
12:09Balloons for gunshots.
12:12And this plays various kinds of organ music.
12:17Oh, yeah.
12:20I've also got a gravel box, bells, a rain stick, and a coffee thermos.
12:26What does that do?
12:27Keeps my coffee warm.
12:30Hey, everybody. This is Maxine.
12:33Oh, hello, Maxine. Welcome.
12:35Hi. I need a quiet place to work on my part.
12:38Oh, you got it, baby.
12:40Why don't you go up here in the booth?
12:43Oh, look.
12:45Work on her part? It's just one line.
12:48Yeah, but she's got that condition. What do you call it?
12:51It begins with a dis. Dis, dis, uh...
12:53Distemper?
12:57No, dyslexia. That's it. She's dyslexic.
13:00And you tell me that now?
13:01No, no, no. Hey, she'll be great.
13:03It's me I'm worried about.
13:05I've got some serious butterflies going here.
13:08But look, you're on the radio all the time.
13:10But that's me being me. This is acting. It's...
13:13It's scary.
13:17Listen, that's all part of the thrill of the live performance.
13:20Butterflies in the stomach.
13:22Sweaty palms.
13:24Scratchy throat. Pounding heart.
13:26I suppose you have all of those.
13:28I do now.
13:32Sorry I'm late, favor.
13:34I just spent two hours in the dentist's chair.
13:40An emergency.
13:42Oh.
13:43What is the matter?
13:45No, McCain. He said it would wear off by now.
13:50I keep biting my lip.
13:55Dear God, we've got 60 seconds.
13:58I don't even know who I'm playing.
14:00Don't worry, Nas. I'll just cue you as we go along.
14:02Well, shouldn't I at least prepare a little?
14:04No, no, listen. Your natural spontaneity is your best asset as an actor.
14:08What was it the Yale Daily News said about your tattoo?
14:10Oh, who remembers?
14:12That I had the magnetism of Marlon Brando,
14:14the charm of Danny Kaye, and the range of Lawrence Livio.
14:19All right, everyone. Places, please.
14:21Hurry up. It's starting.
14:23Aye.
14:25Good evening.
14:27This is Fraser Crane welcoming you to KACL's recreation
14:31of the original Mystery Theatre.
14:34I already know the plot,
14:36so try not to blurt out the name of the murderer.
14:38Great. As a cop, I hated it when people did that.
14:45In all my years at the Yard,
14:47I doubt I'd ever seen a fouler night
14:52than that on which I was called out to investigate a double murder
14:56at the old inn on the Moors.
15:01The door was answered by Miss Carlotta Thorndyke.
15:07Her face was unfamiliar,
15:09and when she opened her lips,
15:11I caught a hint of some exotic accent.
15:15In fact, how...
15:20...like are you, Carl?
15:23Like are you, Carl?
15:36This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndyke.
15:39I can't believe A.M.I.G.A. could be a...
15:43...moppable murderer.
15:53That's easy for you to say.
15:59But my job is to suspect everybody.
16:03Please introduce me to your...
16:05No, no, never mind.
16:07I know your guests by reputation.
16:11This must be Mr. Wing, the silk merchant.
16:15Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing?
16:19Of course, the...
16:21...inscrutable and...
16:23...mute Mr. Wing...
16:27...who...
16:30...wears a bell on his hat.
16:33Did you witness anything suspicious, Wing?
16:39No, eh? I remember you said that.
16:42No, eh? I remember you said that.
16:46I'm Nigel Fairservice, Inspector.
16:49I was strolling in the garden when this dreadful tragedy occurred.
16:53Did anyone see you?
16:55Several people.
16:56Hans, the German butler.
17:00Ja, I saw the gentleman.
17:04O'Toole, the gardener.
17:08Aye, it was himself, if I'm not mistaken.
17:13As well as Prudence McAllister.
17:21Yes, I was taking a breather there.
17:25I tried to shake Nigel's alibi...
17:28...but each witness was adamant.
17:30O'Toole.
17:31Nathan, it's true.
17:32Hans.
17:33Jawohl.
17:34Miss McAllister.
17:35It wasn't Hans.
17:37There remained one suspect...
17:39...whose whereabouts had not yet been established.
17:42Pepo the Dwarf.
17:44A retired circus performer.
17:49Exactly.
17:50Where were you when the murders occurred, Pepo?
17:54Where were you?
18:04Pepo!
18:05Where were you?
18:07I was at the movies.
18:12At the movies, you say?
18:15Well, one quick phone call can verify that.
18:20What's this?
18:22Dear God!
18:24The phone lines have been cut!
18:30Oh, we are really stranded...
18:32...totally and completely isolated...
18:35...from any contact with the outside world.
18:41Sure, you're fine.
18:44Jerry.
18:51The phone lines have been repaired, you say?
18:54Hello?
18:56Wait!
18:57They've gone dead again.
19:01Who knows what other surprises this night may bring.
19:05I don't remember the plots of these things being so goofy.
19:09Mr. Wing wasn't mute last night.
19:14Six different roles and six different accents.
19:17I've had the mind to walk right out of here.
19:19Yes, I'm sorry, Niles, but you're doing brilliantly.
19:22Oh, except your hands could be a bit gruffer.
19:26Don't...
19:28...directly.
19:29I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right.
19:31Right now, frankly, I'm just a bit more worried about being over time.
19:34Gil!
19:35Yes?
19:36At the bottom of page 14...
19:38...listen, after your shot...
19:40...just say, I'm dying.
19:42Cut the rest.
19:44That's my...
19:45...boyhood and sorry speech.
19:47Yes, I know.
19:48You can't cut that, you can't.
19:50Stop whining.
19:52You have a pleasure to.
19:53I don't care anymore.
19:58All right, please, quiet, everybody.
20:00Ten seconds.
20:01Oh, Maxine, be sure to watch out for your cue.
20:04And please, people, let's pick up the pace.
20:12Nightmare End.
20:14Act Two.
20:16I was baffled.
20:18They all had alibis.
20:20Suddenly, Miss Thorndyke pointed.
20:23Her eyes wide with alarm.
20:25There's someone outside that window.
20:28Why, yes, Miss Thorndyke.
20:30It appears to be...
20:33...the ice-cream truck.
20:39But never mind that.
20:43Suddenly...
20:46...the storm...
20:48...put the lights out.
20:52And we were left in darkness.
20:56And we were left in darkness.
20:59Then, a scream.
21:03Look out!
21:05He's got a nug!
21:17A gun!
21:20A gun is what he's got!
21:23A gun is what he's got!
21:28When the lights came back up...
21:30...a smoking gun lay on the table.
21:33The maid lay dead.
21:35Unable to name her killer.
21:37And Nigel Fairhurst lay mortally wounded.
21:42I'm dying.
21:44Poor man was gone.
21:46Never again to revisit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey.
21:51Grumping with my school chums and the Fins and Spinnies.
21:55Just then, the lights went out again.
21:59Nigel Fairhurst was shot again.
22:03Only grieves me...
22:06...when the twilight be the hedgerows like a lamb...
22:11The final bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders.
22:17All right, people, let's try to keep calm.
22:21Although it's hard when the killer is among us.
22:27Hi-ho! I'm Nigel's brother, Cedric.
22:30I haven't seen him since our boyhood.
22:36And so died the last surviving member...
22:40...of the Fairhurst family.
22:43...of the Fairhurst family.
22:47Oh, I sure didn't see that one coming.
22:50Hello. I'm the Ice Cream Man.
22:53Years ago, I went to school with Nigel Fairhurst.
22:59We used to romp in the Fins and Spinnies.
23:07This is turning into a bloodbath.
23:11That's why, before TV, you want to be able to see that stuff.
23:17By this time, I was more baffled than ever...
23:20...so I played a hunch.
23:23Hans, may I see your fingernails?
23:27Why, they seem a bit ragged.
23:30For a butler.
23:32All right, all right. I'm not what I appear.
23:35None of us is. I'm not a butler.
23:38I'm not even German.
23:45Sit down, Inspector. You're about to hear a fascinating tale.
23:49Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle...
23:52...to relate to you.
23:54When we've finished, you'll know the full...
23:57...dark secret of Nightmare Inn.
24:00Are you sure we should, Hans?
24:04Be quiet, Mother.
24:10Mother and I moved here when I was a small boy...
24:13...after the tragic death of my father.
24:17I kept the pain of that loss buried deep within me...
24:21...like a serpent coiled within a damp cave.
24:25Okay, that's it.
24:28Never mind all that.
24:31I'm just going to take this gun off the table.
24:34Sorry about that, old tool.
24:36I guess we'll never hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle.
24:41Or yours, Cragen and Pepo.
24:47Could the McAllister sisters stand back to back? I'm short on bullets.
24:53Thank you.
24:55What was your name again, dear?
24:57Thorndyke.
24:58Mr...
25:02Ah, and also Mr. Wing.
25:11And of course, one final bullet for myself...
25:14...so the mystery will die with me.
25:29Well, then...
25:32...that pretty much wrapped things up.
25:37Hans was a mass murderer...
25:39...to the surprise of everyone.
25:43Case was closed.
25:45And with a grateful shudder...
25:48...I swore I'd never return...
25:51...to Nightmare Inn.
25:59Well...
26:03...we still have...
26:07...nine minutes remaining.
26:15Perhaps we could have a little...
26:17...post-play discussion.
26:20Perhaps we could have a little...
26:22...post-play discussion.
26:34Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling...
26:36...tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:40Quite stylish.
26:42And maybe I seem a bit confused...
26:45...well, maybe...
26:46...but I got you picked.
26:51But I don't know what to do...
26:53...with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:58They're calling again.
27:01Frasier has left the building.