Frasier Season 5 Episode 19 Frasier Gotta Hav E It
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00:00Frazier, Ross, I join you but there's not a chair. Actually, I was just leaving, you can have mine.
00:07Niles, every time I give you my chair, you wipe it off first, it's just insulting.
00:17For your information, I was reaching for my cell phone.
00:23Oh, I'm sorry Niles, I stepped out of line. See you later Frazier.
00:29Bye-bye Ross.
00:33Jeffrey DeRosa, this is Dr. Crane at table 7, could you send someone over to dust off my chair?
00:38Oh, for God's sake!
00:40How you doing?
00:42It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
00:45Stop it!
00:46Just sit down!
00:51May I have one of those please?
00:54So, I understand you had a full dance card this weekend?
00:57Yes, indeed. That lovely young artist at the gallery opening on Saturday.
01:03We went out for coffee afterwards and our date lasted until, well...
01:09The cows didn't actually come home but I did hear mooing on the front porch.
01:16Wait, I'm drawing a blank.
01:18The only woman I remember you chatting with at the gallery was the one in the Birkenstocks who went on and on about her driftwood collages.
01:26Yes, that's Caitlin.
01:29Well, obviously we seem different on the surface but once you get to know her, trust me, she is really a breath of fresh air.
01:37God, I haven't felt this excited about a relationship in ages.
01:41Well, that's wonderful Frazier.
01:45So, is she from around here?
01:48Oh, didn't come up.
01:51Oh, I see.
01:52Well, where did she go to school?
01:55She didn't mention it.
02:01Probably art school.
02:02Oh, yes.
02:03Being an artist, I'm sure she's enthusiastic about the finer things, literature, music.
02:09Oh, I don't know. We never got around to that.
02:12You know what? I think I'm putting you on the spot here. Let's just leave it at congratulations on your new relationship.
02:21What are you implying?
02:23Oh, I think we both know what kind of relationship we're talking about.
02:28Would you stop saying the word relationship that way?
02:30Relationship.
02:33I'm not condemning you for your little thing.
02:39Just don't try to pass it off as something deeper than it is. The only thing you two have in common is the faint impression of the word Sealy on your backsides.
02:51Listen, I would never stay in a relationship if I didn't think there was some real future in it.
02:57In other words, if you were to realize that the two of you had nothing in common beyond the physical, you'd break it off?
03:02Yes, absolutely. In a heartbeat. It's a principle of mine. You know, this topic comes up all the time on my show. What do I always say?
03:11Surely you must listen occasionally.
03:13Of course I listen occasionally. It's just I'm usually busy between 11 and 1.
03:18Our show is on from 2 to 5.
03:26Can't wait to see the look on his face.
03:28Me too. He doesn't have a clue.
03:30Good. All set.
03:32Happy birthday to you.
03:36Oh, dear God.
03:37Happy birthday to you.
03:40Happy birthday, dear Eddie.
03:45Happy birthday to you.
03:50Okay, come on. Let's do it together.
03:54Good boy. Way. That was terrific.
03:59I wonder if he made a wish.
04:01I know I did.
04:04Hello, Frazier.
04:06Daffy, Dad stepped lively. We don't want to miss the previews.
04:09In a minute.
04:10Come on, birthday boy. I haven't given you your present yet.
04:13I got him a brand new rubber ease burger, Jay.
04:21So, Frazier, can we convince you to join us?
04:24Oh, I don't think so, Dr. Crane. Your brother's been slaving away in the kitchen all afternoon.
04:29Actually, I'm having Caitlyn over for dinner.
04:32Oh. For dinner.
04:35Dinner.
04:42And what would you be preparing for dinner?
04:49Thank you for stopping your sniggering insinuations that Caitlyn and I share nothing but the physical.
04:56Many think that we do share.
04:58Caitlyn.
04:59Thanks.
05:03Now they're sharing a Tic Tac.
05:09Let me take your coat.
05:11Oh, you remember Niles, of course. And this is Daphne, Caitlyn.
05:15Oh, hello.
05:16Don't worry, we'll be out of your way in a minute. Just as soon as I can tear Mr. Crane away from Eddie.
05:21Yes, he's having a little birthday party for his dog.
05:25Oh, how old is he?
05:27Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog.
05:32Anyway, can I interest you in a drink? I've just opened a bottle of Cote de Bleu Yee.
05:37Oh, he must have been saving it. Borgogna hasn't made a decent Beaujolais in years.
05:41Well, do you hear that, Niles?
05:46Our Caitlyn is a fellow oenophile.
05:50When I was little, my father owned a vineyard.
05:53I was the only kid on the block who would open a can of Hawaiian Punch and let it breathe.
05:59And we share that same quirky sense of humor.
06:03Would you care for a glass?
06:04No, thanks. Actually, I've always hated the taste of wine.
06:07Finally, something I can use to tell you two apart.
06:17A martini, then?
06:18I cut out alcohol last year along with processed sugar, dairy products, and meat.
06:22Oh, I hope I'm not screwing up your menu. What are you serving?
06:27Well, so far, parsley.
06:33And curvy orange slices.
06:37But we'll make do. Let me get you a glass of mineral water.
06:41Thanks.
06:42Please help yourself to the melon slices. Just unwind the prosciutto.
06:53Fraser, I owe you an apology. You two are perfectly compatible.
06:57How long will it be before we're all standing outside a wedding chapel, pelting you both with whole grain brown rice?
07:04Spare me your sarcasm.
07:06Oh, come on. Let me have my fun.
07:09You're certainly having yours, even if you deny that that's what you're doing.
07:12Now, I ask what I told you. I would never continue in a relationship if I didn't think there was some real future in it.
07:18And I happen to believe that there is in this one.
07:20Have you ever heard of opposites attracting?
07:23Where I am worldly, Caitlin is unspoiled.
07:27Rather remarkable, given her terror of preservatives.
07:33Oh, Fraser, I just met your dad.
07:36Did you know we're both Libras?
07:38No.
07:39Which explains why I'm so perky, open-minded, and quick to tears.
07:46And so freaking outgoing.
07:48No, I didn't.
07:50Everybody coming?
07:52Well, it was nice meeting you all.
07:54Yes, nice to meet you too, Caitlin.
07:56Welcome to the door.
07:57All right.
07:58Will you stop smirking?
08:00It's going to take more than a heartless dabbling in astrology to dim the charm of this appealing young woman.
08:05Oh, my God.
08:07This is the coolest chair.
08:13Just get out.
08:27Morning, Fraser.
08:31Morning, Dad.
08:33What's the matter?
08:36It's Caitlin.
08:40I'm in hell.
08:44Last night I experienced the most intense physical pleasure I've ever known.
08:51Fraser, before you continue, I shared my bed last night with a dog.
08:59Well, that's not the problem, Dad.
09:02It's just that there's absolutely no future for me and Caitlin.
09:06Well, I've got to say, I never thought there was.
09:09She's a flake.
09:10Well, that's not the point.
09:13Dad, there are aspects of her personality that I find off-putting.
09:17Like her being a flake.
09:18Well, all right.
09:21It's just difficult to walk away from something you've been through.
09:25It's just difficult to walk away from something so intoxicating.
09:30Fraser, I'm just going to say one thing.
09:34Watch out for this woman.
09:36I know how these things work.
09:39You've experienced something like this?
09:41I didn't say that.
09:42I just know the type.
09:45Today, she's got you going against your better judgment.
09:50Pretty soon, you'll be thinking about her all the time.
09:53Losing sleep.
09:55Missing work.
09:57Neglecting your friends.
10:02And then pretty soon, you'll get caught naked with her in the backseat of your squad car.
10:15But anyway, the point is...
10:19The longer you put this off, the harder it's going to be to end it.
10:24You're absolutely right, Dad.
10:27Got to nip this thing in the bud.
10:30I'm going to go over there right now.
10:32Doing anything else would just make me a hypocrite.
10:34You know, just yesterday, I dedicated an entire theme show to the importance of self-control.
10:42You did?
10:44Doesn't anybody listen?
10:48No.
10:57Who is it?
10:58Frasier.
11:00Oh my God, why didn't you call first?
11:03Oh, I'm working on one of my collages.
11:06I'm covered in paint.
11:08I got turpentine in my hair.
11:11I'm all sweaty.
11:13It'll only take a moment.
11:14I need to talk to you about something.
11:16Oh, all right.
11:18Be nice.
11:23Well, actually, I...
11:26Good Lord, you really do look...
11:30Good Lord.
11:42Hey, Ross.
11:43Hey, Dad. Is Frasier here?
11:45No, he's not back yet.
11:46He was supposed to meet me at the cafe over an hour ago to finish this paperwork.
11:51Now I can just do it himself.
11:53Can I use your powder room?
11:54Yeah, of course.
11:58Obviously, Frasier's attempt to break up with Caitlin has gone awry again.
12:02Thanks to him, I have missed the wine tasting.
12:05What kind of weak-willed man allows a woman to come between him and a 1981 Cheval Blanc?
12:11You know, just out of curiosity,
12:13why didn't you go by yourself instead of sit here with me for half an hour?
12:21I was worried about him, Daphne. Worried sick.
12:27Hello.
12:28Dr. Crane, were you with Caitlin's all this time?
12:32It was no.
12:34I, uh...
12:36I stopped by early this morning.
12:39We've decided to go our separate ways.
12:43And then I, uh...
12:45met up with Ross, went over some paperwork.
12:48You know how she is these days.
12:49You know, get her on one of her troubles and yack, yack, yack, yack, yack.
12:54And yet she makes every story so interesting, I could listen to it for hours.
13:00Knock it off, Frasier. Where have you been?
13:03Oh, well, where do you think I've been?
13:06Trying to break up with Caitlin.
13:08But did I do it?
13:10No!
13:12And why?
13:14Because I'm Frasier, and I'm a sexaholic!
13:28It's obvious what's happening here.
13:31You are having a purely sexual fling
13:34that happens to all of us at some time in our lives.
13:37The one where the chemistry is perfect,
13:40where you can't even be alone together in a room
13:42without tearing each other's clothes off and jumping each other.
13:46I mean, does this sound familiar?
13:48Yes.
13:51Yeah.
13:57Everyone's had a relationship like that.
14:00No, I have. His name was...
14:04I can't tell you this. It's too embarrassing.
14:07Oh, no. We're all friends here. We're trying to help Frasier.
14:10Oh, well, it was so long ago, I don't even remember all the details.
14:14Take a minute.
14:18Well, it all started one afternoon
14:21when I was sunbathing on the roof of our building.
14:24I was concerned about tan lines in those days,
14:27so I decided to unhook my bikini top.
14:31I'll get it.
14:38Gosh, mine was this lifeguard.
14:41He had long, blonde hair and the bluest eyes.
14:46He used to get so sunburnt,
14:48I'd spend hours just peeling the skin off his back.
14:54What was his name?
14:58Rick.
14:59Nick. I know there was a Nick sound.
15:02I was about to make one of those myself.
15:06My mother picks the worst times to call.
15:09Did I miss anything?
15:10No, nothing. I believe you were starting to tell us a story.
15:13Oh, yeah, that's right.
15:15Well, once I got my top off, I started thinking to myself,
15:19you know, I've never had an all-over tan.
15:22So, I looked about to see if I was still alone.
15:26But then I started to slip off my...
15:28Oh, the rolls are done.
15:34We haven't heard anything from you, Niles.
15:37Oh, I don't think we're exactly in Niles's wheelhouse.
15:43Beg your pardon?
15:44Come on, Niles, I've heard your stories.
15:46They're not the steamiest stuff.
15:48Obviously, you've forgotten the semester I spent living in Paris.
15:52I'll have you know I had a torrid affair with a married woman.
15:55Really?
15:56I'm sorry, Niles, I had no idea.
15:58It's not something I boast about.
16:01The attraction was simply overpowering.
16:04Every Thursday, 2 o'clock, the Hotel de Boulogne.
16:09We'd arrive separately, climb the stairs, open the door, and...
16:16Ooh-la-la.
16:21Oh, what an embrace.
16:24Afterwards, she'd whisper to me,
16:27There's something so sweet in your eyes, and it does me so much good,
16:33said Emma Bovary.
16:39If you're going to steal a love life,
16:41don't steal from the classics here, Miss Hill.
16:49The part about being in Paris is true.
16:53Here we are.
16:55Got them out of the oven just in time.
16:57Another minute, and I would have had burnt buns.
16:59Which brings us back to your story.
17:03Well, there I was, wearing nothing but a smile,
17:08when the sun started to shift.
17:10So, I moved behind the water tower,
17:13and who was lying there but Derek,
17:15the good-looking fireman from across the hall,
17:18who was also getting an all-over tan, I might add.
17:22So, I had two choices.
17:24I could either tiptoe away, or...
17:28Tea.
17:29No, sit!
17:30My God, must Daphne do everything around here?
17:36I'll get it.
17:38Could use a glass of ice water, anyway.
17:40You're not the only one.
17:43Let me give you a hand.
17:45So, is any of this helping?
17:47Not much.
17:48You know, I gotta make a point here.
17:51For as long as I've known you,
17:53you've been complaining about your lack of a sex life.
17:57Suddenly, you have one.
17:59So, why are you still complaining?
18:01Well, it just seems wrong.
18:05I've thought a lot about this.
18:07That's your problem.
18:08You've thought too much about this.
18:11You know, why don't you just stop listening to your head,
18:15and start listening to your body?
18:18You're obviously enjoying this.
18:20Why do you have to feel so guilty about it?
18:22Well, it's just that I'm afraid I have no future with her.
18:25So?
18:26Well, maybe she thinks that she has a future with me.
18:31Well, then it would be wrong.
18:33But, is that how she feels?
18:35I don't know.
18:36Ask her.
18:38If she feels the same way you do, you should just enjoy yourself.
18:41These things don't come around very often,
18:44and they don't last when they do.
18:47Oh, you're right, of course.
18:49Overthinking things can certainly spoil anything.
18:52You know, it's funny.
18:53I gave the very same advice the other day on my show
18:55to that lawyer from Bainbridge.
18:57I don't remember that.
18:59You were five feet away.
19:01Doesn't anyone listen?
19:03And it wasn't until afterwards
19:05that we realized we'd rolled onto the skylight
19:08above the main stairwell.
19:15Oh, we took some ribbing about that, we did.
19:19Yeah.
19:50Well, I think I got everything under control.
19:54Dinner should be ready in about 20 minutes.
19:57Smells wonderful.
19:59So do you.
20:01Caitlin, you know...
20:03Yes?
20:04Well, I wanted to ask you,
20:08where do you see this going?
20:10Well, right now I'm heading to your earlobe,
20:14but if you care to reroute me, I'm open to suggestions.
20:19Yeah, I mean, our relationship.
20:22We've never talked about it.
20:24Oh.
20:26Gee, I don't know.
20:28I guess I was kind of looking at this nice casual thing.
20:33I hope that doesn't disappoint you.
20:36No, not at all.
20:37I'm actually relieved.
20:39I've been loving things the way they are, too.
20:42Yeah, we're just having some fun, right?
20:44Right. Oh, well, fun doesn't begin to describe it.
20:48I just wanted to make sure we were both on the same page.
20:52Is that what's been on your mind?
20:54Because I thought you were tense these last few days.
20:56I even went and got some hot oil to give you a massage.
21:00I guess we won't be needing that now.
21:02Well, I have been terribly worried about this global warming situation.
21:09Well, we've got some time before dinner.
21:12I'll go get the oil.
21:15I'm so glad we had this conversation.
21:17Yeah, me too.
21:19I mean, I was starting to worry that you were scared off by my lifestyle.
21:24I mean, I'm pretty out there.
21:26Oh, Caitlin, Caitlin.
21:31I'm not as narrow-minded as all that.
21:33You know, I think we have a wonderful chemistry.
21:35That's enough to offset a few minor differences.
21:39You can be taking your shirt off.
21:41Oh.
21:43Same goes, by the way.
21:47You know, I just love these converted loft spaces.
21:51I wonder what this one was before you moved in.
21:55Judging by these meat hooks, I'd say a slaughterhouse, huh?
22:00No, I put those in.
22:03It was a daycare center.
22:06Oh, you artists.
22:09Your whimsical decorating touches.
22:12Ha, ha, ha.
22:15Oh, that's a...
22:18That's a mousetrap, isn't it?
22:22You get many mice?
22:24I wish.
22:26I used them in my art.
22:29Dead mice?
22:31Yeah.
22:32They're part of my newest collage series.
22:35It's all about mortality.
22:40Caitlin, you...
22:42You've cut your hair.
22:44Yeah.
22:45Sometimes the spirit just grabs me, and I gotta do it.
22:48It's really very freeing.
22:50Plus, I think there's something more to it.
22:53I mean, I gotta do it.
22:55It's really very freeing.
22:57Plus, I think there's something great about using your body parts for practical use.
23:04Well, it's, uh...
23:07It's different.
23:09It's still beautiful, nonetheless.
23:12Is that all your hair?
23:15It's mostly mine.
23:17What?
23:23You know, Caitlin, I'm thinking...
23:26No, no, no, don't think.
23:29The secret to a good massage
23:32is to let the mind rest
23:35and listen to the body.
23:38Right.
23:39Yeah.
23:40Okay.
23:42Go ahead, body.
23:45That was a neck.
23:49Oh, God, yeah, that feels good.
23:52You know, if we move to the bed, I could give you a more thorough massage.
23:59Oh, I just remembered it's a full moon tonight.
24:04Look.
24:06Isn't that beautiful?
24:08How romantic.
24:09You know, there's nothing like a full moon to make one wanna...
24:12Boo!
24:21Caitlin, I'm a member of the lycanthrope society.
24:26As in werewolf?
24:28Not literally.
24:30It's a group of women who believe that the moon controls our cycles
24:34and this is our way of paying our respects.
24:37Boo!
24:42I'm glad you've heard me howl before.
24:45Well, yes, but in...
24:47In that context, I took it as a compliment.
24:53Oh, Frasier, you're getting all tense again.
24:57It's the hair pillows, isn't it?
25:00Yes, that.
25:03Oh, got one!
25:05Among other things.
25:08Listen, Caitlin, I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't such a good idea.
25:13What do you mean?
25:14Well, you know, we're just so different.
25:17I'm basically a stubby, button-down sort of guy
25:21and you're, well, you know, a free-spirited, adventurous,
25:24mouth-painting, moon-howling sort of girl.
25:29Isn't even the most satisfying sexual relationship enough to bridge that gap?
25:36I think so.
25:39What do you think?
25:44Boo!
25:54Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
25:57Toss salads and scrambled eggs
26:01Mercy
26:03And maybe I seem a bit confused
26:05Well, maybe, but I got you pegged
26:11But I don't know what to do
26:13With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:18They're calling again
26:21Frasier has left the building