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00:30Well, thank you, Patricia. That was lovely. Absolutely lovely.
00:36Your turn to make breakfast is always something of an adventure.
00:40I thought I'd try something a bit special.
00:42Well, indeed. A lesser woman would not even have attempted oeuf à la mayonnaise.
00:47Yes, and it almost worked, didn't it?
00:50Absolutely, absolutely.
00:52Apart, of course, for the absence of oeuf.
00:55I broke them all.
00:57And mayonnaise.
00:58Colonel!
01:00But all in all, the most delicious plate of à la I've ever tasted.
01:05Now then, since we have a few moments to spare, let's have another bash at my lines, shall we?
01:09All right, but we'll have to hurry.
01:11Take it from the top of page 34.
01:17Avast, ye lubbers!
01:19Tis Pan and his lost boys come to board me.
01:23Swish, swish.
01:25You shall not murder Tinkerbell Hook.
01:28Think ye not? I'll keelhaul ye Peter Pan.
01:32Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
01:35It's awfully good. Very scary.
01:39Well, I feel scary.
01:41This will be my year, Patricia. At tonight's audition, I shall carry all before me.
01:45Well, you ought to. You're obviously the best.
01:47Oh, no, no, no.
01:49I don't think Rachel will end up playing the crocodile that swallowed a clock, as usual.
01:52Yes, that's true.
01:53Every year I've gone to the Peter Pan auditions and buckled my swash till my timbers shivered.
01:59And every year I've been presented with seven feet of green foam rubber
02:03and informed that my lines are tick and tock.
02:07Well, not this year, I can assure you.
02:10I have prepared fully.
02:12Swish, swish.
02:15The part of Captain Hook is mine.
02:18Well, I hope so.
02:20It makes me furious to see you passed over for lesser men.
02:23Last year I nearly turned in my tomahawk.
02:26Now, you mustn't do that, Patricia.
02:28You make a wonderful red Indian maid.
02:30Oh, I don't think so. That silly little costume.
02:33My thighs are too fat.
02:34Patricia, what an absurd thing to say.
02:36Oh, you're just saying that to be nice.
02:38No, I'm not. I'm sure any number of Indian maids have fat thighs.
02:51Gaspeth Amateur Drama Society. What's all that there?
02:56Fannying about in tights.
02:59No, Derek, we only fanny about in tights when we do Shakespeare.
03:03This concerns the annual pantomime.
03:06Robust singers required for the chorus.
03:09Interested?
03:10It sounds boring to me. I'd rather have a cup of tea in front of the telly.
03:14Well, of course you would, Derek.
03:15That is because you have the soul of an amoeba in the imagination of a pot noodle.
03:20You'd be bored watching Olivier play Hamlet.
03:23Well, I don't like football.
03:26Especially foreign teams.
03:29Well, it's their own.
03:31I'm sure you can't sing, anyway.
03:33When I gave my karaoke careless whisper on our last holiday,
03:38my wife wept.
03:43Derek, we require thespians, not yobs.
03:47You couldn't get a small role in a bakery,
03:50let alone justify a place in a major andrampanto.
03:54You just ain't got it, kid.
03:57Avast, ye lubbers!
04:00Ha-ha!
04:16So, how did it go, dear?
04:19Treachery!
04:21Thy name is Gaspeth am Dramsok.
04:24Who is going to play Hook?
04:27Avast, ye lubbers!
04:30Tis Peter Pan and his lost boys come to board me.
04:36You should have seen me, Cray.
04:39They were all there.
04:41The snooty, snotty, toity-hoity, farty-arty,
04:47decaffeinated, fruit-flavoured, tea-bagged,
04:51semi-skimmed cream of Gaspeth elite.
04:56Fowler was wearing leg-warmers.
05:00Nah.
05:01The bloke stood there looking like a bird at an aerobics class.
05:06Fanning on about internal motivation,
05:10I said, rubbish, mate, all you have to do is shout.
05:15And I've got the part.
05:17The director said I was clearly a suppressed thespian.
05:22I'll smack them in the mouth.
05:27Oh, well, I mustn't grumble.
05:29I am to be Grimm's understudy,
05:31and I have been entrusted with the important,
05:34indeed pivotal, role of the crocodile.
05:38In many ways, a more challenging part.
05:46Patricia, I've got it!
05:49Patricia, I've got it!
05:52I'll try an accent.
05:54Glaswegian, perhaps.
05:56Tuck talk.
05:58Tuck talk.
05:59Tuck talk.
06:01Tuck talk, Gemma.
06:07Oh, I don't know.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:16Christmas Eve, ladies and gentlemen.
06:19Christmas Eve.
06:21Now, I realise, of course,
06:23that the yuletide shift denies those involved certain traditional treats.
06:27Not for us, the last-minute present-wrapping.
06:30Carols round the tree.
06:32Grandpa smoking his pipe, enjoying a good rough shag.
06:36LAUGHTER
06:38Castle Habib.
06:40Have I said something amusing?
06:42No, sir.
06:43Perhaps you find all this talk of Christmas unsettling.
06:46I realise, of course, that this station is not a monoculture,
06:50and that you do not celebrate the season.
06:52Oh, no, sir.
06:53I think people of any culture and religion
06:55can respect the true meaning of Christmas.
06:57Ah, yes.
06:58Peace on earth and goodwill to all men.
07:01Well, yeah, that.
07:02And getting rat-faced and ending up with your head down the toilet.
07:06Yes.
07:07Well, in our case, all that must wait.
07:09Not for us, the simple pleasures of Christmas.
07:12Sherry, chestnuts,
07:14father bringing home a big, fat bird
07:16and telling mum to stuff it.
07:20Sounds like a right old river, but you're home, sir.
07:25Now, I have, as usual, purchased a Christmas tree,
07:29which will be set up in the reception area.
07:32You are, of course, all welcome to hang your own personal balls on it.
07:39Counsellor Habib, are you ill?
07:47Bar, please, Kevin.
07:53Get up.
07:55Oh, I love Christmas.
07:58I can never sleep, so I have to get up and then I get so excited
08:01I have to have a lie-down again, which is so silly, isn't it?
08:06It's so exciting.
08:08I have been thinking all year about giving you one,
08:11and now I'm going to.
08:13I've got a present for you.
08:15I've got some brilliant presents for people.
08:17But, Maggie, I've got the best one for you.
08:20Oh, Kevin.
08:22That's really sweet of you, but I wish I hadn't.
08:24I haven't got you anything.
08:26Maggie, I didn't give you a present because I wanted one back.
08:29I never even thought about you getting one for me.
08:32Well, that's all right, then.
08:41And I got a special present for Inspector Fowler.
08:44I wanted to get him something really special,
08:46you know, just to show how much I appreciate him.
08:48And what did you get him, then?
08:50A puncher repair kit.
08:52And I bought Maggie some lingerie.
08:55What's lingerie?
08:57Posh pants.
08:59Like your undies, only more expensive.
09:02Thermals, you mean.
09:04That's an excellent present.
09:07Yes, it can get very nippy up your kyber these long nights.
09:10Frank, he's talking about lingerie,
09:13which is French for...
09:15Yes, that's right. Got her some silky knickers.
09:18Split crotch?
09:20Well, I hope not. Only bought them this morning.
09:24Dead sexy. Knickers and a bra.
09:26I was that embarrassed buying them,
09:28I had to say they were for me.
09:32There's only one set of underwear you want to give her, mate.
09:34Yours.
09:36It'll itch up your boxers and say,
09:38there's a wrapping doll, the present's inside.
09:40And it'll say,
09:43I think I'm going to be sick.
09:47It's all right, son.
09:49You know, fellas that talk about it most do it least.
09:52I know.
09:54I talk about it all the time.
09:58And I haven't had any sense of the days of Harold Wilson.
10:01I know.
10:03And I haven't had any sense of the days of Harold Wilson.
10:06I know.
10:08And I haven't had any sense of the days of Harold Wilson.
10:12I never knew you had a gay relationship.
10:17What are you talking about?
10:19This bloke Harold Wilson you were having it with.
10:21Kevin.
10:23He was a prime minister.
10:29Climbing.
10:31And due in ordinary copper, you did do well.
10:41It's always a very special moment, I think,
10:43when one installs the station Christmas tree.
10:46It hasn't got any foliage, sir.
10:48Looks like it's been napalmed.
10:51Well, it did have foliage,
10:53before I attempted to extract it from the Christmas market scrummage.
10:57People run mad at this time of year.
11:00Don't mind, you can understand it.
11:02Any community which has been forced to listen to
11:04Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time
11:06on every occasion that they've entered a shop since mid-October
11:11is bound to be a bit restive.
11:14Ahem.
11:15Ah.
11:16Sergeant, darling.
11:17Did you have a successful time in town?
11:19Yes, I did.
11:20I decided I should have my hair done for Christmas.
11:23Yes, perhaps you should.
11:27It is looking a bit of a mess.
11:31Raymond, I've been.
11:32This cost £45.
11:34£45?
11:37They've hardly taken anything off at all.
11:39For £45, you should be bald.
11:47Here's your present.
11:48Now, I hope you don't take offence.
11:50I'm giving this to you because I respect you as a feminist
11:53and I don't want you to think that it's for my benefit.
12:00Although that would be quite nice.
12:05Perhaps if we turn it round a bit, sir?
12:08You know, sometimes they do have a better side.
12:12My mum always gets a proper one, made out of tinsel.
12:18May I have a word, Raymond?
12:20Very important.
12:22About the panto.
12:24Now, you can take a bit of gentle, constructive criticism, can't you?
12:29Of course.
12:30Basically, you're crocodile's crap.
12:33You're acting more like an enormous green dog-doo than a croc.
12:39And I suggest you get it sorted.
12:41Inspector Grimm, don't you have things to do?
12:44Oh, God, you're right.
12:45I haven't done me vocal exercises yet.
12:49Alpha, alpha, bravo.
12:50Wilco, Foxtrot, Delta.
12:53Tango.
12:54Tango.
12:55Diet lilt and a phanto.
12:58Right.
12:59With me.
13:01Important bit of business to discuss.
13:03Well, yeah, there is, sir, actually.
13:05There's a lot of naughtiness going on out there.
13:07A lot of burglaries.
13:08You see, I've put this brilliant new bit
13:10where I shove me sword back into me belt,
13:13but I miss and I stag me trousers
13:15and I say to the kiddies,
13:17don't worry, it was only a little scratch.
13:21Ha-ha!
13:22Only a little prick.
13:23Only a little prick.
13:24Only a little prick.
13:26Hilarious, eh?
13:28There won't be a dry seat left in the house.
13:31Oi, sir.
13:32What?
13:33There's a lot of stuff being wiped out the back of gardens.
13:35Eh?
13:37Well, it's all happening while the families are at the front door
13:39listening to carol singers.
13:41Carol singers?
13:43It's obvious what's going on.
13:44The division want to know what you're doing about it.
13:46Division?
13:47You moron, Craig, why didn't you say something?
13:50What, fannying on about pantos?
13:52Get the car, let's go!
13:55You seem to forget, Craig,
13:57it's my arse on the line,
13:59so you'd better pull your finger out.
14:03So get the script, you can test me in the car.
14:12Yes, Goody, what is it?
14:14Well, sir,
14:16it's just that, um,
14:18I bought you a little present, sir.
14:20Well, that's very kind of you, Goody,
14:22but I don't really approve...
14:23Oh, no, no, no, it's hardly anything at all, sir.
14:25Just something that I know you'd like,
14:27something that's really you.
14:29Oh.
14:31Well, in that case, I'm sure there's no harm.
14:37I'm worried about Kevin, Pat.
14:39He got me this present,
14:41and he's got loads of hints about it doing something for him.
14:44Oh, come on, Maggie, it's hardly a surprise.
14:46You know Goody's desperate for you to do anything with him.
14:49Yeah, but I think he wants me to fix his bike.
15:07That's just the sort of present Raymond would get me.
15:10It would be so nice if he got me something feminine and sexy,
15:13but he won't.
15:15He'll have been down the DIY shop, as usual,
15:17asking them to gift-wrap a sack of tiling grout.
15:23Raymond, I...
15:33Raymond.
15:40Sit down, please.
15:44Come on then, Goody.
15:47Ahem.
15:49I've asked you to come and see me
15:51because there is something which you and I must discuss.
15:54And I want the truth.
15:56I do not want you to try to deceive me out of shame or embarrassment.
16:01I can assure you that I am not embarrassed.
16:09Not embarrassed at all.
16:12Right. Good. So, er...
16:15So, here we go.
16:18Do you...
16:20HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
16:23Do you find me attractive?
16:30Well, sir, um...
16:32I don't know.
16:34You're always very clean. I think that's nice.
16:38Because if you harbour some secret desire,
16:42if indeed you do...
16:45Um...
16:47crave me...
16:50physically,
16:52then we must, of course, have it out in the open.
16:57Are you propositioning me, sir?
17:00Don't be disgusting, you foul boy.
17:02Well, you said you wanted us to have it out in the open.
17:04I talk! I talk!
17:06I talk about the fact that, clearly,
17:08I've become some kind of fantasy figure to you.
17:11The fact that the idea of my near-naked body
17:14decked out in flimsy female attire turns you on.
17:18Don't! I don't! I don't think you look nice naked at all.
17:22Well, it won't help you to add insult to injury, laddie.
17:25No, no, no. I mean, I don't want to see you decked out in flimsy female attire, sir.
17:29Then what the hell is this Christmas present all about, then?
17:32Some disgusting, perverted attempt at humour?
17:35No, no! It's just so you can bend punches!
17:41Do you want me to fix my bicycle
17:44wearing women's underwear?
17:48God!
17:51I've given you the wrong present, sir.
17:53I bought you a puncher repair kit.
17:55The underwear was for Constable Habib.
18:00Well...
18:01Well, that's very nearly as bad, you foul boy.
18:05Do you really believe that women appreciate rubbish like this
18:08to be treated like some kind of saucy sex object?
18:11Well, why not? I would!
18:13Take these foul things and get out!
18:27Really, Sergeant Dawkins, we are on duty.
18:29Kindly control your wild animal lust.
18:32No, I will not. It's Christmas and I don't care.
18:36I saw what you got me, Peachy.
18:38What I got you?
18:39The lingerie.
18:41It's the first sexy, romantic thing you've done
18:43since you bought me that box of milk tray when I had shingles.
18:47Oh, I've always wanted some saucy undies.
18:49Real, proper, silky ones.
18:52God, it turns me on!
18:54God, it makes me hornier than Rudolph's antlers!
19:00You're my little Christmas cracker and I love you.
19:03Yes, yes.
19:05On the other hand, perhaps underwear is a silly present.
19:09Perhaps you'd prefer something more functional.
19:11Why, you were saying only the other day
19:13how your toenail clippers were blunt.
19:16Raymond, I want my knickers.
19:19And if they're not in my stocking tomorrow morning,
19:21they'll be holly in your pyjamas.
19:24But they will be, I know.
19:26After all, Christmas is for lovers.
19:34We shall overcome.
19:39What the hell is all this noise about?
19:41It's a caravan of New Age travellers, Raymond.
19:44They've been causing an obstruction.
19:47Well, I'm not putting up with this all night.
19:50You are all officially warmed.
19:53Now, happy Christmas and get out!
19:56We shall overcome
20:00someday.
20:05All power and passion, man.
20:07You are Babylon, but I will speak to you.
20:10Your lot impounded our van, man.
20:13My belly is swollen with the fruit of love's seed.
20:19And we are homeless.
20:21We are a circle.
20:23There is no end, there is no beginning.
20:25Everything is now and we are here.
20:27And we're staying.
20:31Well, what in twelve types of instant cake mix
20:35are we supposed to do with these two?
20:37I mean, this is all we need on Christmas Eve, isn't it?
20:40A couple arrive from far away
20:42with nowhere to stay for the night.
20:45The woman heavily pregnant.
20:48I mean, did you ever hear of such a thing?
20:52You're my scrummy little mince pie
20:54and I want to eat you all up.
20:57Cousin Goody.
20:59Do you recall that earlier this evening
21:01you made me a gift of some lingerie?
21:03Oh, yes, sir, but I have explained. I never intended it.
21:05Yes, yes, yes.
21:06But the fact is that I've changed my mind
21:08and I want it back.
21:13Oh, I see.
21:15Well, I do know what you mean. It is kind of nice, isn't it?
21:17You know, to touch and everything.
21:19It's not for me, you disgusting boy.
21:21Just hand over your bra and panties.
21:24I can't, sir.
21:26I've given them to Constable Habib.
21:28I asked one of the girls to leave it in her locker.
21:33Constable Habib,
21:35I have a very strange favour to ask you.
21:37I want a quick rummage in your locker.
21:39Sorry, sir.
21:41No, no, don't misunderstand me.
21:43As I said, I believe there may be some underwear in there
21:45and I want to get hold of it.
21:47Oh, I see. Well, don't worry.
21:49I know a lot of men your age
21:51often have these funny urges.
21:53No, no, no.
21:55I'm not offended, sir.
21:57I just think it's a bit sad.
21:59You're not going to...
22:03All right, Habib.
22:05Let's get her into the interview room
22:07then get the Dettol and sterilise the table.
22:09Hang on, Pat. This person is a woman, an individual.
22:11She has to decide if she wants to have her baby.
22:13It's all right, love. It's your body.
22:15You're in control. You tell us what you want.
22:17I want to have it by candlelight.
22:19Well, I think we can manage that.
22:21You see, Pat, it doesn't hurt
22:23to give people choice in their lives.
22:25And a bath full of warm ewesmilk.
22:27And Stonehenge.
22:29Let's get her on the table.
22:31Woody? Yes?
22:33Hot water now. Yes.
22:39A Y in a manger
22:41no crib for his bed
22:43a little Lord Jesus
22:45laid down with his legs
22:47Thank you very much, sir.
22:49It's lovely. We ain't finished yet.
22:51Yeah.
22:53A Y in a manger
22:55no crib for his bed
22:57a little...
22:59Light, magic, bursting cards.
23:03Oh, my God!
23:13Woody, did you get the hot water?
23:15Did you get the hot water?
23:17Well, I was going to, but then I thought
23:19we really ought to offer something more interesting.
23:21So I got her this carton of Ribena from my tuckbox.
23:27Naughty, naughty round the back, sir. Shall we nick him?
23:29Have you seen the size of them?
23:31Let uniform get their noses broken.
23:33Request urgent support.
23:35Callahan Crescent.
23:37Highly dangerous.
23:39Carol singers.
23:45Drugs would be a good idea.
23:47No need. She's doing it all naturally.
23:49Yeah, well, that's what I'm saying.
23:51I think maybe we ought to celebrate.
23:55Oh, Christy Mary, gentlemen
23:57let nothing you dismay
23:59for Jesus Christ, our Saviour
24:01was born upon this day
24:03to save us all
24:05from Satan's power.
24:09Oh, tidings of comfort
24:11and joy
24:13and joy
24:21Well, that was a bit heavy-handed.
24:23It wasn't that bad.
24:27The doctor will be here soon.
24:29Ah, what are you going to call him?
24:31You choose.
24:33Well, it is Christmas.
24:35How about calling him Noel?
24:37That is a great idea, because
24:39Noel Edmonds is the spirit of Christmas, isn't he?
24:43Ah.
24:45Well now, young...
24:47baby.
24:49Bibble-bibble.
24:55Well, a police station is perhaps not the best of places
24:57for a child to spend its first night upon Earth,
24:59but we should perhaps remember
25:01that once a baby was born
25:03in a far lowlier place than this
25:05and went on to do rather well.
25:07Yeah.
25:09Who was that, Ben?
25:14Jesus Christ!
25:19Well, there is no need to swear, sir.
25:21I just don't know who you're talking about.
25:23Ah, Counsellor Habie.
25:25I've been waiting for a moment to have a word.
25:27Now, what I said earlier about your knickers...
25:29Oh, please, sir.
25:31Don't feel guilty.
25:33I know what's going on.
25:35Oh, all right.
25:37It's the male menopause.
25:39I must say, a very nice little boy.
25:41First-class police work, though I say so myself.
25:43Craig, get those...
25:45those...
25:47carol-singing scums...
25:49Exactly.
25:51Out of the van and give them a right going over.
25:53Now, Fowler, you seem to be doing nothing
25:55but fannying about as usual.
25:57You can test me on me lines.
25:59Come on.
26:01As my understudy, it'll do you good
26:03to see a proper bit of shouting.
26:05Thanks, Inspector Grim. I've got some rather urgent...
26:07Yeah, that's your problem as an actor, Raymond.
26:09You never learn.
26:11No focus, no dedication,
26:13and you're a load of rubbish.
26:15I suppose you've got till Boxing Day
26:17to work on it,
26:19but give it some thought, mate.
26:21Now, top of the page.
26:23Sir, sir,
26:25you know them dodgy carol singers we just nicked?
26:27Avast, ye lovers!
26:29Just paint the pain!
26:31Very good, sir.
26:33Very intimidating.
26:35It's just that those iffy carol singers
26:37turned out to be the chief constable,
26:39the local MP, their wives,
26:41and the Bishop of Gaspeth.
26:43Do you still want me to give them
26:45a going over, sir?
26:47Detective Inspector Grim,
26:49what the hell is going on?
26:51Seems to be a mistake, sir.
26:53We are on the trail of a vicious
26:55gang of brutal...
26:57Carol singers, sir.
26:59Carol singers, sir.
27:01I shall see you in my office,
27:03off to work on Boxing Day.
27:05Oh, dear, Inspector Grim.
27:07Looks like you're going to have to miss the pantomime.
27:09Still, it doesn't matter.
27:11I hear your understudy's much the better actor.
27:15I hate Christmas.
27:17I reckon Scrooge
27:19got it right with his bag of
27:21unbugs.
27:23Cray, with me.
27:29Kevin.
27:32So you think these are really media, Kevin?
27:34Yes, I do.
27:36Don't you think they'd be a bit chilly at this time of year?
27:38I like undies
27:40that keep your bits covered and your bum warm.
27:42Honestly,
27:44what is it with you blokes and knickers tonight?
27:46If this is what Christmas does to you,
27:48I'm glad I don't bother with it.
27:52Yes, but did you like them?
27:56What was all that about?
27:58Not our business, Patricia.
28:00Not our business.
28:02Well, I've got a lot of lines to learn.
28:04I'll get my coat, shall I?
28:06And my present,
28:08you gorgeous, naughty, disgusting,
28:10dirty, filthy, sexy little Christmas reindeer.
28:14Of course.
28:16And as you so rightly point out,
28:18your present.
28:26Rough.
28:30Rough.
28:32Rough.
28:34Rough.
28:36Rough.
28:38Rough.
28:40Rough.
28:42Rough.
28:44Rough.
28:46Rough.
28:48Rough.
28:50Rough.
28:52Rough.
28:54Rough.
28:56Rough.
29:00Rough.
29:02Rough.
29:04Rough.
29:06Rough.
29:08Rough.
29:10Rough.
29:12Rough.
29:14Rough.
29:16Rough.
29:18Rough.
29:20Rough.
29:22Rough.
29:24Rough.
29:26Rough.