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00:30Good afternoon, carry on, sit down, sit down.
00:38Now then everybody, I have exciting news.
00:42Exciting news indeed.
00:43Gatsworth has been selected to host the next sub-district regional police conference.
00:50Yes, I thought you'd be excited.
00:54When I read the letter this morning, I nearly had to have another cup of tea.
00:59We are to have an opportunity to put our views to a deputy assistant under-secretary
01:04of state to the cabinet.
01:06A man who has the ear of a man who has the ear of a man who has a foot in the Home Office.
01:12You've lost me completely now, sir.
01:16We are just two ears and a foot from the Home Secretary.
01:20We must not waste this chance to place the issues that really count right at the heart
01:24of government.
01:25You're absolutely right, sir.
01:27Let's ask the old git for a pay rise.
01:29There are some of us, Councillor Habib, who believe that there is more to policing than
01:32the weekly stipend.
01:33Yes, it's like being able to drive through red lights when you feel like it.
01:36I beg your pardon?
01:40Really cool riot gear like they have on RoboCop.
01:43And tear gas.
01:44I had to go with that once.
01:45It was brilliant.
01:46Except you have to check which way the wind is blowing because I'd forgotten it didn't
01:50half sting.
01:51Goodie.
01:53Goodie.
01:54Tell him what those long truncheons they have on NYPD Blue.
01:58Don't be absurd, Councillor Will.
02:00Those telegraph poles that American officers carry are just so much macho posturing.
02:05The traditional truncheon is perfectly adequate.
02:07Personally, I've always felt more than satisfied with 14 inches hanging down inside my trousers.
02:16Have I said something amusing, Councillor Will Habib?
02:19No, sir.
02:20You will oblige me by wiping that silly grin off your face.
02:23Anyway, the subject of the conference is rather specific.
02:27We have been asked to prepare an initiative on an aspect of juvenile crime.
02:32So what do you think it should be?
02:34Truancy?
02:35Taken without consent?
02:37The scourge of graffiti?
02:38I don't see graffiti as a scourge, sir.
02:41I see it as a new urban art form.
02:43Have you run mad, Councillor Will Habib?
02:47No, I'm serious, sir.
02:49Isn't it just a vibrant and contemporary form of youth expression?
02:52No, it's a bunch of nasty little yobs scribbling our walls.
02:56I blame these awful fridge magnets.
02:59Yes, and for those of us who are conducting this briefing on earth...
03:07I've seen it at my niece's house.
03:11Every time her toddler does a nasty little scribble, it gets stuck up on the fridge.
03:15Yeah.
03:16And everyone has to say how nice it is.
03:20So young people grow up thinking that their stupid scribblings are somehow wonderful.
03:26So they carry on scribbling, forever searching for that warm glow of appreciation that they
03:32used to feel when standing round the fridge.
03:36Yes, and that completes this week's training session for the Gaspeth Police Synchronised
03:41Idiots team.
03:42Perhaps we could return to the subject of juvenile crime.
03:46I think the first step is to stop seeing these kids as nothing but criminal thugs, sir.
03:51And what other description might one find for those who vandalise property, steal cars,
03:56and instruct me, whenever I venture out in my helmet, to remove the cold tit from my
04:00head?
04:01These kids are bored.
04:03We've got to provide them with some meaning in their lives.
04:06Well, yes, Councillor Will Habib.
04:07In fact, I was thinking along similar lines.
04:09What do you suggest we do to bring about this sense of moral renewal?
04:13Well, we need real jobs, decent housing, we need long-term investment in the urban social
04:18infrastructure.
04:19Hmm.
04:20I guess I was thinking more along the lines of a short camping trip.
04:24A camping trip?
04:27A bleeding camping trip?
04:30Blimey!
04:31Am I to take it that you do not approve of my proposed initiative?
04:36Yes, you may take it, Raymond, and you may shove it up your truncheon, pal.
04:41Our society is collapsing round our ears, and Baden-Powell here calls for a chorus
04:47of Ging Gang Ghoulies.
04:50Ging Gang Ghoulie.
04:51What?
04:52The Ghoulies are singular.
04:54The song you refer to goes, Ging Gang Ghoulie, Ghoulie, Ghoulie, Ghoulie, watch her.
04:59Ging Gang Ghoulie, Ging Gang Ghoulie.
05:01Far out!
05:04We are discussing youth crime, which will not be solved by shoving a sausage on a stick
05:09and whistling Kumbaya.
05:12It's war out there, mate, war, and the bleeding kids are winning.
05:16It's not war, Derek, or anything of the sort.
05:19The vast majority of young people are law-abiding citizens.
05:23I admit we don't like them.
05:26But if it were illegal to be sex-mad, tone-deaf, and impossible to understand, we should have
05:32to arrest the entire population of France.
05:36Our problem is the tiny minority of repeat offenders.
05:39Exactly, and what they need is a short, sharp shot, mate, not having their coddles mollied.
05:45I have no intention of mollying anyone.
05:48What I'm proposing is tough, demanding, but ultimately rewarding physical endeavour.
05:53There is a course for probationary young offenders run by Brigadier Blaster Sump.
05:58Blaster Sump, that loony.
06:01I admit he's eccentric.
06:02Eccentric? The bloke tried to be the first man to reach the South Pole in short trousers.
06:08Look, I'm not having you disgracing this station with a load of wishy-washy,
06:15diddums-half-cock-up-your-social-worker,
06:19foldy-roll-blame-it-on-society,
06:22psycho-sicko-socio-clack-track-crack.
06:28Well, at least I'm doing something.
06:31What are you doing?
06:33Nothing.
06:34Where's your passion, your commitment?
06:36Do you know what your trouble is, don't you?
06:39You've no bottom, man.
06:41Did you just call me a man with no bottom?
06:45Yes, I did.
06:47Apart, of course, from the one you used to communicate with.
06:50Right. Well, I'll show you who's got the bigger bottom round this station.
06:56CID are going to make a presentation.
06:58I'll show the conference what you do with juvenile offenders.
07:02You nick them, you lock them up and you throw away the door.
07:06I mean the key.
07:08You throw away the key.
07:13All right, sir, let's see your driving licence.
07:15Do you have any idea who my father is?
07:17I'm afraid I can't help you on that one, sir.
07:21Have you tried asking your mother?
07:26What do you reckon, sir?
07:28I see.
07:31Very nice. Very ravey.
07:34You've got to make the effort, haven't you, sir?
07:36Yes, you have, Craig.
07:37Cos this is a very important operation.
07:40It's my arse and if you stuff it, I'm going to end up very red in the face.
07:47Now, the kids in this squat are the nastiest little gits in the neighbourhood, are they?
07:52All repeat offenders, sir.
07:53Right. All we have to do is catch them at it.
07:56It's undercover operation, constables. Very sensitive stuff.
08:00Now, I'm a van driver, as you can see.
08:05And you two will have to play the part of brain-dead juvenile morons.
08:10I'd probably be better off using some of Fowler's lot.
08:17Craig?
08:18Yeah?
08:19I said a good one.
08:20I said, I'd probably be better off...
08:23Brilliant, sir. Try not to be too hilarious. I've only got one pair of these trousers.
08:28Well, anyway.
08:30Down to business.
08:32I'll show the sub-district regional police conference what sort of kids the modern copper has to face.
08:37Nothing but villains and hooligans, the lot of them.
08:40Do you know what? There's only one way to deal with it.
08:43You put the maternity hospitals inside the juvenile detention centres.
08:47What?
08:49Out of the mum and into the cell?
08:51Yeah.
08:53That's a very good idea, Craig.
08:56I may suggest that to the Home Secretary.
09:01I'm really looking forward to going on this camping trip, you know.
09:05Really getting back to basics.
09:07I always think that food tastes so much better if you have to open the tins yourself.
09:13Oh, yes. It'll be good getting right back to nature and living life in the raw.
09:17You're not thinking of taking your clothes off, are you, Kevin?
09:20As if. My mother would do her raving nana.
09:23Oh, good, good.
09:25Because I always saw that naturism is a very dangerous idea.
09:29I mean, it would only take one short-sighted squirrel.
09:32Well, squirrels is all we're likely to see on this camping trip.
09:36Do you know, I wish there were still proper, dangerous wild animals.
09:40Then I could save Constable Habib from one and she'd fall in love with me.
09:44Well, lots of women are scared of spiders.
09:46Maybe Maggie is.
09:48If I put one in her tent, maybe you could save her from it.
09:51Yes, yes, yes. That's quite a good plan.
09:53But the only problem is, is that I wouldn't go within five million miles of any tent that had a spider in it.
10:02More social reports on juvenile repeat offenders, sir.
10:05Mostly connected with drugs and alcohol.
10:07Oh, grape curry dumplings.
10:10It really is very depressing, isn't it?
10:13I just want to show a few youngsters that innocent pastimes can be fun, too.
10:17Yes, sir.
10:18I mean, I didn't need drink and drugs to have a good time when I was their age.
10:23I had Meccano.
10:27Ecstasy? I'll tell you what ecstasy is.
10:30Completing a scale model of the fourth bridge, that's what ecstasy is.
10:36It makes me sad to see these children today with their drugs and sex and music.
10:42They'll never know the joy a young lad can have sitting alone in his room.
10:50With his tool in his hand.
10:54Tightening his little nuts.
10:59Sounds like you've got a cop coming on there, Constable.
11:01Yeah.
11:05Listen to them, ruddy morons.
11:09High on ecstasy, no doubt.
11:13Yeah, well, if that girl's on ecstasy, she should ask for her money back.
11:18Baz!
11:22I've done it, Baz.
11:23I told you it'd be easy.
11:24It's the most terrible thing I've ever had to do in my life.
11:27Yeah. Yeah, it's horrible.
11:29Did you get me fags?
11:33Right, you two, this is it. Let's hear your inane giggles.
11:38Not bad, not bad.
11:39We'll make detectives of you yet.
11:41Go on, then. Go and do your stuff.
11:47Yeah, what's happening, man?
11:48Nice one. Yeah, happening.
11:49Sounds like quite a good way.
11:52Yeah, got any E? I want a score.
11:54Bog off, copper.
12:03Some kids kicked over our bins, Pat.
12:05I was clearing it up a bit and I found this.
12:07You shouldn't have picked it up. It could be a bomb.
12:09Well, if it is, it's a stink bomb.
12:20The social services are coming to take her to hospital in about half an hour.
12:24No hurry.
12:26How could somebody just dump their baby like that?
12:29She's so beautiful.
12:31She's ugly, Pat.
12:33All newborn babies are.
12:35They're like prunes.
12:36They get nice.
12:37They start ugly.
12:38Well, how would you look after you've spent nine months in somebody's stomach?
12:42That's true, that's true.
12:44I've seen things that haven't spent more than five minutes in my stomach.
12:49You know, I wouldn't want to go wheeling them wrong Tesco's in a brownie.
12:55Have you?
12:56It's all hands to the pumps.
12:57There's been a disturbance at the Britannia Social Club.
12:59Some kind of right-wing meeting has developed into an affray.
13:02Oh, if it's fascist, sir, am I the best person to go?
13:05Well, I might provoke things.
13:07What do you mean?
13:10Well, sir, I'm Asian.
13:12I don't care if you've just beamed down from Venus, Constable.
13:16You are a police officer, and we recognise only one colour.
13:19That of the thin blue line.
13:21Oh, for God's sake, Raymond, don't be such a pompous git.
13:26As a matter of fact, I did not hear that.
13:28I said don't be such a pompous git!
13:32Now look, you've upset baby.
13:36Happy Christmas!
13:41Keep the noise down or I will lose my temper.
13:46Into the cells.
13:47No, not next Christmas.
13:49Peggy, calm. Get back to frigging curry land.
13:51You ain't fit enough to lick English boots.
13:54What did you say?
13:55It's all right, Kevin.
13:56I see she's a black tart. She should go back to the jungle.
14:00Oh, no.
14:01You shouldn't have done that, Kevin.
14:04But thanks.
14:11Is she?
14:12Is she?
14:13Well, I expect that'll just be wind.
14:15When I had her, I found that just rubbing her back
14:18and the tiniest drop of cowpool on her dummy and she'd go down.
14:22Well, you see, I don't think that's a good idea.
14:25The tiniest drop of cowpool on her dummy and she'd go down.
14:29Well, yes, I know I only had her for three quarters of an hour, but...
14:32Well, anyway, just make sure she's not sleeping on her tummy and...
14:36Goodbye.
14:39Do you want to know something?
14:40No.
14:41Ten years from now, there won't be a woman on the force,
14:44and do you know why?
14:45Women's lib.
14:46Oh, yeah? How do you work that out, then?
14:48Women have babies, right, but you can't sack them.
14:50Cos if you do, bosh, 200 grand compensation.
14:53I don't see why a woman should lose her job
14:55for performing an essential function of existence.
14:57That's fine.
14:58Except your average villain objects to being interviewed
15:00by a copper with leaking nipples.
15:05Catch-22, innit?
15:06Can't do the job, can't be sacked.
15:08Answer, don't take them on in the first place.
15:10But all women want babies, anyway.
15:12All women want babies.
15:14They say they don't, then bang, they turn 30 and suddenly it's,
15:17quick, put a bun in me oven before me gas runs out.
15:21You are such a Neanderthal.
15:23Aye?
15:24Ha! You're in your 30s.
15:26You aren't desperate for a child, are you?
15:28No, not at all. Not desperate.
15:30You have to remember the restrictions babies bring.
15:32The sleepless nights.
15:34The sick all over everything.
15:36The fat little cheeks you just want to gobble up.
15:39The laughs, the smiles.
15:42I can take it or leave it.
15:44Habib, you and Goody in my office, now.
15:50Constable Goody, I've received a very serious complaint.
15:55Did you punch a handcuffed 15-year-old boy last night
15:59while taking him to the cells?
16:01He was defending me, sir.
16:03He was defending you, Constable Habib.
16:05Oh, I see.
16:07And exactly what threat did this securely handcuffed juvenile pose?
16:12Was he threatening to wither you with a glance?
16:15He was using racist abuse, sir.
16:18The boy has swastikas tattooed on his arms.
16:21What did you expect him to do?
16:23Give you a chorus of ebony and ivory?
16:28You fool, Goody, you bloody fool!
16:31Suppose the lad had sustained brain damage?
16:33Ha! How would we tell?
16:35Don't you dare be facetious with me.
16:38I'm sorry, sir.
16:40I'm afraid we're a long way past sorry, Constable.
16:43You have created an appallingly serious situation.
16:47I'm going to have to charge you with assault.
16:49Sir, you can't.
16:50Did Goody hit the boy, Constable Habib?
16:52Yes, sir.
16:53Was Goody or anyone else in any physical danger at the time?
16:56No, sir.
16:57Under the circumstances, then, what do you consider to be my duty?
17:00You... You could issue a severe reprimand, sir.
17:04I'm afraid I do not have that option, Constable.
17:07The boy's mother is pressing charges.
17:11Constable Goody, you will continue with your duties
17:14pending an investigation for unprovoked assault?
17:17Yes, sir.
17:18That will be all.
17:21These boots are killing me.
17:23You should have stopped them with damp newspaper and leave overnight.
17:26Ah, good, good. Carry on, carry on. Marvellous.
17:32Well, Sergeant, we're off.
17:34It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done.
17:38We shall drive to the squat, collect a minibus full of miscreants
17:42and escort them along the rocky path to the straight and narrow.
17:46Yes, Raymond.
17:47And perhaps next weekend you could take the Arabs and the Israelis
17:50to Chessington Zoo for the day.
17:54Dear, oh, dear.
17:57Deep, deep, deep.
17:59Dob, dob, dob.
18:01Lovely legs, Raymond.
18:04You watch out for those sheep. They'll nibble your toggle, mate.
18:09Are you sure I can't persuade you to come, Derek?
18:12I'm a policeman, not a bleeding girl guide, Raymond.
18:16Besides, I'm rather busy tonight.
18:18While you fanny about rewarding young offenders,
18:21I shall be nicking a few.
18:24Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
18:31Dob, dob, dob, dob, dob, dob, dob!
18:34Dob, dob, dob, dob, dob, dob, dob!
18:39Right, they've had long enough. Craig, give it some mullet.
18:42They're out, man.
18:44Some of your lot have taken them camping.
18:48Phyllis.
18:49Fowler has nicked my phyllis.
18:59My name's Blaster Sump, damn you.
19:03Now...
19:05You play a straight bat with me,
19:07and you'll find we'll rub along pretty well together.
19:10Use a bent bat, however, a wobbly bat,
19:13a bat with a hole in it and bits sticking out of the end,
19:16and by thunder I'll crush your young testicles
19:18beneath the hard granite of the mull of Ben Craggy.
19:22And those of the party who are not equipped with testicles?
19:25The victims of tragic accidents, you mean.
19:27No, I mean girls.
19:29Fortunately, I've never been called upon to discipline a girl.
19:32I'm quite the other way round, as a matter of fact.
19:35Oh, hell's tits.
19:37Yes?
19:38Brigadier Blaster Sump, damn me, what do you want?
19:40Can't you see I'm busy?
19:43Damn technology.
19:45The present from Mrs Blaster Sump,
19:47God rot her vicious soul.
19:49Hey, come back.
19:50I said, do you want to buy me something useful?
19:52Then get me a big stick with a nail in the end
19:54and somebody who deserves a damn good thrashing.
19:57Huh? Huh? Huh?
20:00Now, here's your gear.
20:02You'll find everything you could possibly need,
20:04from lavatory paper to sandpaper.
20:07Don't confuse the two.
20:09I did myself once.
20:11Not a wholly unpleasant experience,
20:13but then I went to Charterhouse.
20:15Right, well, I think that's everything.
20:17Let's get up that mountain like a ferret up a trouser leg, eh?
20:22Brigadier Blaster Sump.
20:24Yes, young lady?
20:26I'm a trained orienteer, as are two of my officers.
20:29We wish only to use your equipment.
20:31Damn you, you bitch!
20:33Are you telling me I'm off the team?
20:35Reluctantly, sir, yes.
20:37Oh, well, probably just as well.
20:39I like to sleep naked when I'm out of doors.
20:41I don't want you young ladies getting all flushed and dampened, do we?
20:45It's not that I cut quite such a dash as I used to,
20:47since that savage encounter with a short-sighted squirrel.
20:50All right, then, off you go,
20:52and last one to the summit's a Euro-Federalist.
20:55Come on! Go away with you!
20:57Get out of here!
21:03Now, when I was a boy schooled back in Trinidad,
21:07they taught us all to light a fire with a stick and a piece of string.
21:13I could never understand why,
21:15because I found it a lot easier to use matches.
21:19Well, long walk tomorrow.
21:22Best turn in.
21:24Great heavenly chestnuts,
21:26my sleeping bag will be a welcome sight tonight.
21:32Unless, of course, I can interest anyone in a chorus or two
21:36of ging-gang-gully-gully.
21:38Sir! Sir, Natalie's disappeared!
21:43Natalie! Natalie!
21:45Natalie! Natalie!
21:47Natalie!
21:52Nothing at all, sir. She's vanished.
21:55What on earth could have moved the girl to abscond like that?
21:58One wrong step in the dark and she could fall to her death.
22:01Inspector Fowler! We've found her.
22:04This is your fault, Baz! You made me do it!
22:06Do what?
22:08Tell me what this nonsense is all about, boy,
22:10or by thunder you'll live to regret it!
22:12It's the baby. I told her to get rid of it.
22:15That silly cow dumped it by some rubbish outside your nick.
22:18She reckons it got thrown away. She reckons she killed it.
22:21I say, so what?
22:23Who cares? It probably weren't mine anyway.
22:25Why, you little...!
22:31Natalie.
22:33I found your baby.
22:35You found her?
22:36Yeah, she's all right. She's in hospital.
22:38You didn't kill her.
22:40I didn't mean it.
22:42I do love her.
22:44It's time we all got some rest.
22:47As you go to sleep,
22:49I want you to think hard about the lessons learned today.
22:52Think about...
22:54turning over a new leaf.
22:58Will you do that?
23:00Yes, Inspector Fowler.
23:02Good night.
23:15Oh, bugger!
23:21Habib, that is enough!
23:23I cannot drop the charges against Constable Goody.
23:26The boy's mother is here now.
23:28There is nothing I can do about it.
23:30I bet you could do something about it if you really wanted to.
23:33Don't be insubordinate, Constable.
23:35But you don't want to, because you think he should be charged.
23:38And why? Because a precise letter of the law
23:40is more important to you than justice.
23:42Oh, you understand what Kevin did.
23:44You nearly slapped that thug on the mountain.
23:46And had I done so, I would expect to face the consequences.
23:49We do not have a choice in this matter.
23:51The police cannot choose when and when not to enforce the law.
23:55If we do that, how can we expect the public ever to trust us?
23:59If I could see a way out of this, believe me, I'd take it.
24:03But I can't.
24:12Ah, come in.
24:14Please, sit down.
24:19Now then, Mrs Bludger.
24:22You have brought charges of assault against one of my officers.
24:26Where's the thug that hit my defenceless boy?
24:29Little Geoffrey here could have been permanently brain-damaged.
24:33Possibly. But I cannot imagine how he would tell.
24:38I want to know from the lad himself exactly what happened.
24:41I ain't talking to no cop without my lawyer.
24:44You bleeding wretch! Talk to him!
24:54Mrs Bludger, are you aware of the European law
24:57regarding the treatment of minors?
24:59Aye.
25:00Oh, well, it doesn't matter. Ignorance is no defence.
25:03I'm arresting you for assaulting your child.
25:06Do what?
25:08On the other hand, of course, we could forget the whole thing.
25:14Well, I hope you learnt your lesson, laddie.
25:16Yes, I have, sir. Thank you for asking.
25:20Of all the juveniles in Gasparth and you have to pinch mine!
25:26We worked damn hard on that, Paul.
25:29Didn't we, Cray? What?
25:31Now I've got nothing to present to the Deputy Assistant Under-Secretary
25:35of the Sub-District Regional Conference.
25:38Well, Derek, I've been thinking.
25:40Oh, God, Silas!
25:43The conference is about youth.
25:45Who better to discuss it than youthful coppers?
25:49You have a story to tell, Constable Goody.
25:52Perhaps conference should hear it.
25:55Yes, sir. I think it should.
25:59What story would that be, then?
26:08I couldn't believe the crush at the checkout.
26:11I was in the six-items-or-less queue
26:13and the woman in front of me had some special-offer toothpaste,
26:16a big tube with a little one sellotaped on for free.
26:19Well, that's two items, isn't it?
26:21It's quartered up to seven.
26:23Seven items, isn't it?
26:25Quartered up to seven?
26:27Seven items in the six-items queue?
26:29I cannot stand that sort of thing!
26:31And you're right not to.
26:33That type of antisocial behaviour corrupts the entire system.
26:37I hope you said something. I very nearly said something.
26:40You should have. I was going to say something.
26:42Then I saw these on a promotional stand by the till.
26:45I just couldn't resist them. What do you think?
26:48I don't think they'll fit you.
26:50I don't know why I got them.
26:52They were on special and it seemed silly not to.
26:54And I suppose now we've got the socks and everything,
26:56it'd be silly not to have a baby.
26:59Well, I have to think about these things. I'm not getting any younger.
27:02Nobody gets any younger, Patricia.
27:04With the possible exception of Joan Collins.
27:07It's just a fact of life.
27:09It's all very well for you.
27:11You've been married, you've had a child.
27:13Yes, and he's the best argument I can think of for not having another.
27:17Besides which, we haven't got time to start a family.
27:21Ours is not an occupation one can walk away from at the end of the day.
27:25I'm a police officer. You're a police officer.
27:28I am also a woman.
27:30I know that, Patricia.
27:32But you must get a grip.
27:34There is no place in the Queen's uniform for ill-disciplined hormones.
27:42You do realise, Patricia, that if you hit me with that halibut,
27:46you lay yourself open to charges of assault.
27:50Give me the fish, Patricia.
27:52Give me the fish.
28:01You may think yourself lucky that we're not having a leg of lamb for supper tonight.
28:05Or this whole incident could have been much more...
28:19THE END