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00:30Oh
01:00Oh
01:30I
01:47Hope I didn't wake you not at all. It's the first time you've made my headboard rattle this year. I wouldn't have wanted to miss that
01:53You
01:56Know where I've been my petal at my pub quiz night the pubs closed at 11
02:03Yes, that's true
02:04But I've been buying you a present
02:07What a kebab?
02:14Raymond is that lipstick on your collar?
02:18No, it's ketchup
02:21Remember now
02:22Constable Habib was eating ketchup eat chips when I kissed her
02:26You kissed constable Habib were through to the local final Patricia. Well one game away from the trophy
02:33So you kissed Maggie Habib? Yes, I very nearly kissed constable Cray as well
02:39Move some man as he is he does know the halftime scores of every cup final since 1918
02:51You
02:56Know how much the whiz trophy means to me. It's the only glittering prize. I've ever truly coveted. So you kissed Maggie Habib
03:07I can't tell you are wonderful Joe. Well, don't it was all down to the last question. I
03:13Had been stumped on the name of the Chancellor in Disraeli's second administration
03:19I mean, would you believe it? Mr. Thickey or what?
03:23That oaf Cray had gone completely to pieces over the 1932 Soviet discus team
03:30Things were looking pretty bleak until
03:33Habib dear
03:35Beautiful clever little constable Habib pulled off a stunning coup by knowing the names of all the guerrillas vertebrae
03:49I
03:52Think what?
03:54What's the matter? Nothing really? It's nothing. Oh, that's all right
04:00You're upset
04:02I'm gonna brush my teeth
04:05It's just I can't remember the last time you said what a wonderful woman I was. Oh, come on, darling
04:11You don't know the skeletal composition of the gorilla
04:18Good morning. Good morning. Morning everyone. Good morning
04:31You're not annoyed with me are you sergeant? No, not at all
04:36It's a sort of breakfast I couldn't help noticing that you crunched your cornflakes in rather an aggressive manner
04:43Did I and you didn't make my tea with cold water?
04:47And yesterday's teabag in my bicycle helmet
04:55Not that it wasn't lovely
04:57Most refreshing Raymond. I am NOT in the slightest bit angry. Good good
05:03So the Brillo pad in my shredded wheat was a mistake
05:08Crane fresh from last night's trial. What do you eating breakfast in it beef and onion pie?
05:16Spit it out man. Haven't you heard of mad cow disease?
05:20Come on, sir. No one worries about that anymore
05:23Nobody worries about cricketers chewing gum and spitting anymore, but that doesn't mean to say that it has ceased to be a national disgrace
05:31Personally I don't believe all those stories
05:34Anyway, as far as I'm concerned you could get more sense out of a British call than you will out of a whole packet
05:39of German sausages
05:42Very possibly
05:43But the final of the pub quiz is only a week away. We can take no chances from now on
05:47I suggest you eat only fish preferably raw
05:50Seafood is brain food. That's true, sir
05:53Murgatroyd who lives next door to me eats nothing but fish and she can lick her own backside, which I think is very
06:03Would I be right in assuming that Murgatroyd is a cat no, so she's a contortionist
06:11I
06:14Got a tough job on Raymond and I need your cooperation now, it's pretty urgent. So I won't be about the proverbial privy
06:23Frankly I'm too busy a man to be cluck clucking away like a
06:28Decapitated feathered fowl. So I'll get straight to the point
06:31I'm delighted to hear it time waits for no man as the proverb goes and what I say is in CID
06:37Crime waits for no man
06:40I shall cut the bovine feces all together
06:44This is CID work
06:46CID we dispense with niceties we avoid irrelevance
06:51We disregard hearings read or otherwise and above all we do not funny about
06:59Inspector Grimm was there something you wanted to discuss? Oh, yes
07:07To be blunt Raymond, I need a woman and I want your help
07:15Well, Derek, I'm glad you felt able to come to me about
07:18How strong are these urges and how long have you had
07:22Police woman you idiot
07:24We've known to a major local villain for months, but he's slippery like an owl
07:29A
07:35Weakness and that weakness is totty totty
07:40Birds spints anything in a skirt bar in a Scotsman
07:46He's a lady's man
07:49Are you suggesting an entrapment operation not in trapment Raymond entrapment is as you know illegal
07:55But blokes drop their guard with girls, they don't think of the consequences
08:01Blimey, we've all done it
08:03You get all stupid with some young lovely and before you know it you're bald
08:0940
08:11Sitting in the car park at Sainsbury's home
08:17Now I want someone with brains brains and beauty
08:22I
08:23Want her babe
08:25Well, you cannot have her. I strongly disapprove of this type of dubious underhand operation
08:30We're not talking about a honey trap just a bit of intelligence gathering CID cannot operate without intelligence
08:37Well, you seem to have managed very well
08:41The blood is laughing at the law if you're not careful division will hand it over and we'll have the flying squad back
08:48You really think so? Of course we will if all we're doing is fannying about
08:52Much care for the flying squad. I must say
08:55Arrogant oafs to a man, you know the last time they were here, but one of them left chewing gum stuck under my desk
09:05State of the lavatories it was almost as if they were aiming for the floor
09:16If you're ever cornered by one head for the gents and hide
09:22And
09:25If you don't want them round here chewing gum and dampening our facilities you better start cooperating with me
09:33I'll talk to the girl and see how she feels about it. Well do it discreetly
09:37It's not the sort of operation that wants to be blabbed round the station. Tell no one but Habib
09:42I don't need to be told my duty inspector Grimm. Well, I hope not
09:46Because it's my backside on the line and I'm right up to my neck in it
09:52Ah
09:56Council Habib come in sit down
10:01Now then I've asked you to come and see me on a matter of considerable delicacy right you are inspector you can trust me
10:08I sincerely hope I can because I wish to discuss an extremely sensitive operation. Oh, I see
10:15My dad's just had one of those
10:18Complaints are very common in men of your age
10:20Talking about a police operation constable Habib. Oh, I see sir. Sorry. What is more for the record? My bowels are in perfect working order
10:29You can set your watch by them. I haven't missed an evacuation
10:38However, I'm not here to discuss my quite excellent digestive system. I'm here to discuss a police matter
10:46You ought to be seconded to the criminal investigations department
10:51Yes, yes the CID if you must although it's beyond me
10:55Why perfectly serviceable sentences must always be reduced to graceless lifeless initials
11:00Why when Mark Antony stood bestride Caesar's grave declaiming friends Romans countrymen?
11:07Would he have done better to say FRC's?
11:12Initials are easier and quicker. Yes, but does that make them better?
11:15Life would be easier and quicker if we popped our clogs at birth
11:20That way we would avoid all those slow troublesome things like long walks in the country games of chess long
11:27languid lingering
11:30What's the word?
11:33Montiado Sherry's before lunch
11:36Yes, like sex. Would you prefer sex constable Habib if it was quick and easy?
11:41Yes
11:47Sergeant
11:51What is Constable Habib doing in your office
11:53Wow now that I cannot say sergeant
11:56Constable Habib and I were discussing something which must remain private between the two of us private. I fear so now
12:02What can I do for you? There's a delivery for you
12:05constable goody
12:07We've got the new earth
12:13That's right the beautiful it is beautiful and shiny a beautiful and shiny
12:23I ordered
12:26And now it's come Frank's just been polishing it up. Come on Frank show inspector Fowler his new
12:30Earth
12:35Desk crest er. Yes, that's right
12:40This is a royal crest
12:44Well, if you knew that this crest represented the authority of Her Majesty the Queen what in the devil's briefcase
12:51Did you imagine er stood for?
12:54Er in the palace
12:57Oh
13:00Elizabeth Regina, it stands for Elizabeth Regina. Well, I never knew that I thought it stood for extremely royal
13:09Isn't it sir, are they graceless and lifeless don't be clever
13:14Public mistrust clever police officers. They think they're up to something
13:19Clear off you lot and hang that crest above the front desk. I'm in the middle of an extremely sensitive meeting
13:27Afraid I shall have to ask you to leave to sergeant
13:30You're throwing me out of your office
13:32Reluctantly, I'm afraid that I am you see I wish to be alone with constable Habib
13:37You do understand don't you sergeant? Oh
13:40Yes, I understand very well
13:46Well, I must say this will look very well up on the wall tell you what Frank big act in that bad jump
13:57So
13:59Constable Habib you are to be the bait in a honey trap
14:03You are to dress up in your finest stockings miniskirt and boob tube
14:08They're a hard-bitten thug into your sexual web. I
14:13Envy you constable Habib
14:15Such an opportunity to serve
14:18I could lend you paradise
14:21Don't be facetious Habib
14:23Now if my experience in amateur drama has taught me anything
14:28It is that there's more to acting than putting on the tights
14:31One must immerse oneself in a role live it breathe it when I was in Henry the fifth
14:36I often came to work with a codpiece under my trousers
14:40Did you play Henry the fifth sir? Well, not quite Henry. No, I played man
14:46That
14:49If you take this job off from tomorrow morning, you will no longer be constable Habib
14:54Stern steady and a credit to the service. You will instead be a right saucy bit of brisket
15:02Now will you do it? Well, it's got to be better than coloring shoplifters in the high street, hasn't it? Good
15:06Let's go and see inspector grim. Oh
15:09But just before we do one final thing
15:13Give me the first six primary numbers
15:1611 and 13 sir state the periodic symbols of iron and gold FB and AU sir
15:20The quiz final is six days from now. How long is that in half hours?
15:24288 sir
15:30Well a couple happy you really are very good
15:36Bit of a face at the end I must say I wasn't really ready for such a hard one
15:43I
15:58Think you're doing you can't come to work looking like a tart
16:02Have a good mind to have you disciplined. It's all right. You specter follows that he wanted me to dress like this
16:07I
16:10Asked you to dress like that. That's right. He said he wanted me to look dead sexy. What do you think that?
16:15My name is sergeant Dawkins constable
16:19Why did inspector Fowler ask you to dress like that? He he said I wasn't to tell anyone
16:25Happy that's what I like to see splendid splendid. Come on through to the briefing room
16:33Now remember what I said about acting happy
16:37Live your character live it because your life may depend on it, right? You are big boy
16:57I love a man in a uniform. Is that a trenchant in your pocket? Are you just pleased to see me?
17:07Actually
17:11It's a mouthful
17:20Right then
17:22Constable a babe you're with CID now and in CID we do things a bit differently. Oh, yes. Oh, yes
17:31When you run us up the flagpole, you'll find you're saluting a very different kettle of fish
17:37You could be a bit tasty inspector, I mean if you had hair on your head instead of your face
17:44Well done happy
17:47Sorry, I'm like we down a frog and truncheon setting up a narc you didn't drink tell me you didn't drink
17:53Of course not. So I never drink on duty. I had three pints
17:58Pints have you any idea how many brain cells one unit of alcohol destroys who won the FA Cup final in 1953?
18:05Blackpool they'd be bottle Wanderers for free. You said um, you're a mean man. That's the alcohol. I mean
18:13losers
18:16What we're synchronized swimming admitted as an Olympic sport
18:211984 now you're erring
18:23You are and then you were it's a short step from that. Hang on. I know this one. Can you repeat the question?
18:30Pull yourself together you foul drunken
18:32James sits to the left of Fred who is two seats down from Tony who sits the right of Jane and next to fire extinguisher
18:38Each seat has a width of two and a half feet and there's nine inches between
18:42In the event of a fire how far will Fred have to travel to reach the fire extinguisher?
18:46Tony will already grabbed Tony and Jane fainted from fear
18:50We are discussing a dangerous operation. You're on duty man. Pull yourself together. I'm sorry. You're quite right. I will not mention the quiz again
18:58Except to say the victory will bring honor to the whole station honor and a big cup
19:07Shiny cup
19:09Not that one covered such trinkets, of course
19:11But but a cup that this pathetic alcoholic a sad rattled beer-soaked
19:18Dipsomaniac will no doubt arrive at the final mounted on a pink elephant
19:28Please proceed I will not disturb you or mention the quiz final over again. Well, I'm very glad to hear it
19:33Right. Now the meeting will take place at the old priest's hole
19:39The old priest's hole is the venue for the pub quiz final
19:44Definitely well Fowler, I'm afraid that means that had babies off your quiz team, but she's my star striker
19:50Exactly and if she turns up at our villains boozer as the star of Gaspeth police quiz team
19:56There's just a chance he might work out. She's a copper
20:04Excuse me sergeant darling. May I have a word? It's your police station. You can talk to who you like I suppose
20:12Yes, well
20:13The point is that I need another man for my quiz team
20:16And when I say man, I mean, of course man or person
20:21Now you've got a pretty good brain. Oh girl
20:24Senile dementia not quite set in yet. I hope
20:27Now you wouldn't be much good on pop music or fashion, but
20:33Play a pretty straight back when it came to post-war politics or matters pertaining to gardening and plumbing
20:39I
20:41Can't imagine why you would want another player after all you have constable Habib the finest brain and the shortest skirt in the force
20:50Habib is an extraordinary woman, but I'm afraid she cannot compete. I have other duties for her
20:58Duties Raymond what is going on? I'm afraid I cannot tell you Patricia and that's the end of it
21:02And anyway, does our team really need her? I mean she's bright. She's charismatic
21:08She's a natural star, but
21:12And I answer no
21:15Good honest plain solid workaday team player like
21:21I wouldn't join your quiz team if it was the only thing that stood between you and disemboweling with a blunt truncheon
21:30Good evening in the briefing room leave the
21:34I
21:36Mean
21:38Leave it
21:41All right, you men I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to answer to the best of your ability
21:47Do you understand? Yes, sir. Just one question
21:51Yes, just the one question
21:53No, I mean may I ask a question about your question?
21:57Yes, if you must thank you
21:59Is that the question?
22:02Is what the question if we understand
22:07But that you're going to ask us a question
22:10Is the question whether you understand the fact that I'm going to ask you a question
22:15Yes, sir. You see you said you were going to ask us a question and then you asked us if we understood now
22:21I was wondering if that was the question
22:23Or just a sub question and that the real question was still to come
22:27Congratulations goodie. You've just failed your trial for the quiz team
22:31I
22:34Was captain of a pub quiz side one sir, were you really? Oh, yes. I
22:39Remember telling the lads before first match memory and detail. Let those be our bywords
22:46memory memory memory
22:48Detail detail detail. Well excellent advice Gloucester. Then how did your team fare? I don't I forgot where the pub was
22:57So
23:00You know the name of our team is called gas for a police station
23:04Yes, very good. But I fear that the questions are likely to be slightly
23:09What is the name of your team? I?
23:12Was just thinking it doesn't say that the players actually have to be coppers. Does it sir?
23:20How far will Fred have to travel to reach the fire extinguisher
23:27I
23:34Don't think you're trying hard enough constable. Did you show him plenty of leg?
23:38Excuse me. If this skirt were any shorter, it'd be a belt
23:43This bloke is a hardened villain, he's not going to incriminate himself for a flash of gusset
23:50Offered a lot do what? Oh gold. I suppose I'll have to show you
23:55I just will cry you be the mark. Now. This is how to be sexy. She's got to imagine the skirt
24:06So do you want another drink love? Oh, I shouldn't really I'll get some brandy
24:15Give me a big one
24:20Are we trying to make him confess or throw up
24:25With all due respect to your suppressed sexuality, I haven't got a problem giving him the come on
24:31I've been beating him off with a bottle of brown ale
24:36You gotta make him think that you like sleeping with villains and it turns you on no, I will not have it
24:41That is blatant entrapment
24:43It is not the job of the police to provoke people into breaking the law
24:46You can't provoke them if they don't want to do it. We've come this far. She's got to go the last mile
24:52What do you think sir
24:54Soliciting a crime is an offense. I know constable. I know I utterly deplore this type of operation
25:01but
25:02well, we've come this far and
25:04And if we can just get this business over with before the pub quiz final then you can be back on the team
25:09Well
25:17Habibi you don't look very happy. What's inspector Fowler asked you to do now?
25:22He's asking me to go a lot further than I feel comfortable with
25:26Think is a bit immoral and I think he does too
25:29I
25:38Have not have come to my senses
25:45Destroyed Her Majesty's crest the very symbol of all the values that I stand for you don't stand for any values
25:52I've seen what you're doing to Constable Habib you viper you rat
25:56Oh
25:58So, you know about Habib do yes, I do you are right to destroy the crest
26:03I should never have got along with Grimm's entrapment operation in the first place
26:07Let alone hurry it on so that Habib could rejoin my quiz team
26:13Entrapment operation. Well, yes, but but you must have known that that that's why you destroyed the crest
26:20Unless you place some other interpretation upon my activities with constable heavy
26:26I had the whole thing worked out short skirts secret meetings entrapment operation plainest day. Absolutely new all along
26:34Never agreed to Grimm's appalling methods
26:37If I had not I would still have my honor my crest and a full quiz team
26:45As it is I have nothing
26:48Dear, oh dear Raymond you don't go on with your high and mighty up your jacket
26:56Snooty snotty dig dig dog. Excuse me scouts on a bleeding croquet load of old cobblers
27:04I suppose when Habib comes in here with our man, you'll mind taking off the credit
27:08Will you know you'll be in there for the glory won't you on the contrary Derek? I want no further part of this matter
27:14So the full and complete credit goes to CID
27:18The whole thing is mine. I
27:20Shall hold you to that Raymond. Oh, yes
27:27Evening mr. Green mr. Fowler. Well, well, well Terry the tank
27:35Arrest has been made already. Well done constable. I shall handle this Raymond as agreed
27:40I don't think you understand. She hasn't arrested me. I've arrested her
27:45On a citizen's arrest really a little cup of tarts
27:49There I was trying to get me leg over and all she's interested in is me pump. I can't get my leg over
27:54Interested in is me pump action
27:57Entrapment, that's what this is. I don't want to make a very serious complaint
28:02Well inspector Grim, I believe you were anxious to take full and complete credit for this operation
28:08Now's your chance
28:13You know that don't you I love you I love you I love you you're all I've ever wanted
28:20Holding you like this in my arms makes me the happiest man
28:28And I'll never ever let you go shut up Raymond
28:49You