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00:30Now, you promise you won't forget to go to the bank at lunchtime?
00:40No, I won't, Patricia. Of course, it would be more convenient to go now, and for that
00:43very reason, the bank is closed. It being a principle of British banking that the customer
00:48must be avoided at all costs.
00:49Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
00:50Ha-ha-ha!
00:51Great thundering trumpets! Has the world run mad?
00:56It's work week, Raymond. Just students having a laugh.
00:59When I was at college, I suffered from the curious delusion that I was there to study.
01:03Oh, well, I suppose we were all young once.
01:06Not you, Raymond. You were born middle-aged.
01:09Well, it's kind of you to say so, Patricia. I've always attempted to maintain a mature
01:13outlook, but I cannot deny that there have been lapses.
01:18I once possessed a whoopee cushion.
01:22I never deployed it, of course, but the capacity was there.
01:31Well, I really don't think you're being fair, Patricia. We have lots of fun together.
01:36What about last night?
01:38Flagellation on top of fornication. You don't often get that.
01:42It was boring.
01:44Well, it was the best Scrabble score I've ever heard.
01:48Just don't forget to go to the bank at lunchtime.
01:51Morning, Pat. You all right?
01:53Oh, it's Raymond. He's getting worse.
01:55Do you know, last week I found him in bed with a model.
01:58No.
01:59We've still got bits of balsa wood stuck to the duvet.
02:03Juvenile! Juvenile! Juvenile!
02:07More juvenile, sir.
02:09Just once in a while, I'd like to nick someone whose balls have dropped.
02:15And where are the real crimes, eh?
02:18The terrorism, the bank jobs.
02:21I had such exciting dreams, Craig.
02:25Yeah, I'll get them all, sir.
02:27Rubber waders and a boat hook.
02:29It's enough wake-up sweating.
02:31Yes, rag week, ladies and gentlemen, is upon us again.
02:35Come on, come on, sit down.
02:38And the question that every policeman, or indeed police person,
02:44must ask himself,
02:46or indeed...
02:52itself,
02:54is how are we to deal with the inevitable juvenile excesses to come?
02:59Constable Goody.
03:01Um...
03:05Well, it depends, doesn't it, sir?
03:08I mean, not all excesses are the same.
03:11Are we talking plain excesses or excessive excesses?
03:17Well, I think by definition, excesses are excessive.
03:20Or they wouldn't be excesses, would they?
03:23Is this one of those brain teasers, sir,
03:25where Cleopatra turns out to be a goldfish?
03:28Concentrate, laddie, concentrate,
03:30because believe it not, you did make a valid point.
03:35One must, of course, judge each case on its merits.
03:38I don't wish to have my officers accused of being excessive
03:41in their treatment of excesses,
03:43especially if those excesses are not particularly excessive.
03:46So, on the whole, what I think we are discussing here
03:49are excessive excesses.
03:51Is that clear?
03:53No.
03:55But keep going, sir, I expect we'll catch up.
03:58Decent crime, that's all I'm asking for.
04:01We used to get them every day.
04:04This neighbourhood's really gone downhill.
04:07Thank you, sir. Looks very tasty, very naughty.
04:11This is it.
04:13Crockett, I need profiles on all known terrorists in the south-east.
04:17Cray, phone the Home Office.
04:19Phone the Armed Response Unit.
04:21Get me a tea, milk, four sugars.
04:23In what order, sir?
04:25Blimey, Cray, where were you dragged up?
04:27Milk in first, tea next, sugar.
04:31So, what excesses may we expect to encounter
04:34and how are we best to deal with them?
04:36What about a student rugby club sing-along and trouser-dropping?
04:40How do we deal with that?
04:42Good question.
04:44Well, if at all possible, exercise tolerance,
04:47the police officer's secret weapon.
04:49Don't ever forget that if you arrest a college rugby team
04:52for using obscene language,
04:54at some point you'll find yourself in court
04:56having to recite the lyrics of The Good Ship Venus.
04:59Oh, surely not, sir.
05:01No, yes, defence briefs are ruthless.
05:04They will say to you,
05:06exactly what did my client suggest that the figurehead was sucking?
05:11And if you do not answer in a loud, clear voice,
05:14they will claim that you are unsure of your facts.
05:16Answer what, sir?
05:18Well, what...
05:20An external organ of the male anatomy.
05:24Doesn't rhyme with Venus.
05:27May I have a word, Ryman?
05:29A matter of extreme urgency has arisen.
05:31I want to bring you up to speed
05:33because you and your officers may possibly be able to assist
05:36in a minor capacity at some hypothetical later stage,
05:40although I doubt it, and only if I let you,
05:42which I probably won't.
05:44Well, anything we can do to help, Derek.
05:46Perhaps we could all club together and buy you a straitjacket.
05:49Now, this has just arrived. I think it's genuine.
05:53We, the St Neddots, demand freedom and political autonomy
05:57for our sovereign state of Igelloch.
06:00My guess is some form of Gallic or Celtic separatism.
06:04And my guess is some form of brain-from-body separatism.
06:07This is clearly the work of a wild lunatic.
06:10Exactly. Have you ever been to Wales?
06:12As for the Scots,
06:14if your national dish is a sheep's stomach,
06:16you're going to be bitter, aren't you?
06:18Of course, it could be the Cornish,
06:20they're bloody strange.
06:22And the Geordies!
06:23At present, you suspect anyone
06:25who doesn't live within ten miles of the Thames estuary.
06:28Sir, I'm probably completely wrong,
06:31but Igelloch sounds a bit Anglo-Saxon.
06:34Maybe it's something to do with the Arthurian legends.
06:36Well done, constable. You've got a good little brain there.
06:40Bit of training, we might make you a detective.
06:42Oh, I don't think so, sir.
06:44I haven't got the skills, you see.
06:46For one thing, I can't talk to a man who's got no brains.
06:49For one thing, I can't talk out of my...
06:51Yes, thank you, Henry.
06:53Surely, Inspector Grim, you're not suggesting
06:55that we take this note serious?
06:57I take all threats of terrorist activity seriously
06:59until proved otherwise.
07:01Have a look at the rest of the facts.
07:03Are you warned that we intend to target
07:05the fascist borough of Gasforth
07:07with a series of terror attacks using deadly dratsuck?
07:11I've got a very, very bad feeling in my stomach about this.
07:15How about you, constable Cray?
07:17I'm not too good myself, sir.
07:19I did have a kebab for breakfast.
07:21Look, this may be a hoax, it may not be.
07:25All I know is, if it is genuine,
07:27my arse will be on the line and I don't want a cock-up.
07:34Well, I imagine that you don't.
07:37So, this deadly dratsuck, what do you think it might be?
07:40My informed guess is some kind of Centex-style explosive.
07:44Yes, well, it could be.
07:46And, of course, custard, spelt backwards.
07:50Custard.
07:51And if we apply the same backwards principle
07:54to our other mystery words,
07:56we discover that the St Neddots,
07:58who want autonomy for a gellock,
08:01turn out to be students who want autonomy for their college.
08:05I fear, Derek, that you've been the victim of a rag-weak prank.
08:10Er...
08:12Well, you worked it out quicker than I thought, Ryman.
08:15Not as quickly as I did, but well done all the same.
08:20Sir, I've got the Home Office on the phone.
08:24And the Armed Response Unit want to know what you want.
08:27Tell them I'm going to shoot some bleeding students!
08:30Sir, as I was saying, tolerance.
08:32The police officer's secret weapon.
08:35What a dippert's loof that man is.
08:40You won't forget to go to the bank at lunchtime, will you?
08:43I'm snowed under here. I'll have to do my admin over a takeaway, as it is.
08:47More haste, less speed, Sergeant.
08:49Rushed meals lead only to upset stomachs
08:52and onion rings on the duty log.
08:54Well, I shouldn't eat so much rubbish anyway.
08:56I think it's making me flabby.
08:58No, what absolute nonsense, Patricia.
09:00Do you think so? Of course.
09:02It's got nothing to do with diet.
09:04You're bound to start to sag a bit as you get older.
09:08SIREN BLARES
09:13SIREN BLARES
09:18All right, we check the handwriting of every student in this college.
09:22Assuming that is that they know how to write.
09:24You hear that, Craig?
09:25Hello, Don.
09:27What are you studying, then, eh?
09:30SIREN BLARES
09:41Raymond! Yes?
09:43It's nearly half past. What about the bank?
09:46Great heavens to Betsy, Patricia. There's plenty of time.
09:49Can't a fellow be allowed a few moments of peace
09:52to read a chapter of Sherlock Holmes and enjoy his chocolate frog?
09:56Look, I'm not even having a lunch break. There's too much paperwork.
09:59Now, if you don't go to the bank and renew the standing orders,
10:02they'll repossess the telly.
10:03Well, that'll be no bad thing.
10:05It's all rubbish anyway, nothing but mindless escapism.
10:08Oh, and Sherlock Holmes isn't mindless escapism, I suppose.
10:11Sherlock Holmes is literature.
10:14If it is also escapism,
10:16then it is good, solid escapism,
10:18with no game shows or swearing.
10:21Rag week is a trying time, Patricia,
10:23and I think I might be forgiven
10:25for wanting to dream again my boyhood dreams
10:28of foiling the machinations of the red-headed league.
10:32Well, we nannibus get what we want, do we?
10:35I know I don't.
10:37No, I suppose not.
10:39It must be a dull business for you, Sergeant,
10:41being attached to a creaky old plodder like me.
10:45It weighs on me, you know, it does.
10:48Sometimes I imagine myself doing something splendidly heroic.
10:52To make you proud of me.
10:54Proud and happy.
10:56You could make me proud and happy, Raymond,
10:58by going to the bank when I asked you
11:00and occasionally giving me a damn good rogering.
11:08Oh, dear.
11:10Oh.
11:14Constable Gladstone,
11:16Sergeant Dawkins and I were just discussing
11:20that fellow Ring.
11:23Roger Ring.
11:27And we were just saying...
11:31Well, how damn good he is, basically.
11:34Damn good rogering.
11:38Isn't that right, Sergeant?
11:40Yes, that's right, dear.
11:42But we see so little of him these days, don't we?
11:45Or indeed his Swedish cousin, Bonk.
11:51Erm...
11:55What do you want, Gladstone?
11:57What do I want?
11:59I don't know.
12:01I heard nothing, sir.
12:03It's none of my business.
12:08Well, I think we got away with that one.
12:11Just don't forget to go to the bank.
12:21Best morning you've ever had at the arcade, Maureen.
12:25Five pence.
12:27Ten pence.
12:31Hello, Inspector Fowler.
12:38Visiting the bank?
12:40Thank you for pondering that out, Constable Goody.
12:43I was about to ask for two tickets to see Lance of Arabia.
12:46Do you think we're in the right queue?
12:49Do you think we're in the right queue, sir?
12:51Some of the other queues are moving much faster
12:53and it's nearly time to be back at work.
12:57I think I'll swap.
12:59Do you think I should swap, sir? I think I should swap.
13:01Some of the other queues are moving much quicker.
13:03Do you think I should swap queues, sir?
13:05Yes, Constable Goody, I think you should swap queues.
13:07I think you should swap banks.
13:09If I'd given my choice, I'd have you in a different country altogether.
13:14God, I've got an idea, sir.
13:16What if I swap queues, but you stay here?
13:19Then we can keep an eye on each other.
13:21And if you get to the window first, I'll rush over and you can let me in.
13:24And if I get to the window first, you can come back and I'll let you in.
13:27No, no, what we do is we put a bag here to save our place
13:31and then we go and join the other queues.
13:33Oh, no, no, no, no, no! I've got an idea.
13:35We put the coat and the bag at the end of each queue
13:37and then we just ask other people to shuffle them down so we don't lose...
13:40Constable Goody!
13:43Five pence.
13:45Ten pence.
13:47Excuse me.
13:49Excuse me. Police. Won't be a minute.
13:51It's all right, love.
13:53Yeah, I filled it all in. I'd like it in twenties, please, darling.
13:56Just one moment, Detective Constable Cray.
14:00Did you just push in?
14:02Oh, yeah. I always do that.
14:04Well, if you can't jump the odd queue, what's the point of being a copper?
14:07It's all right, love.
14:09The point, Constable Cray,
14:12to quote the first paragraph of the Police Statement of Common Purpose and Value,
14:16is to uphold the law firmly and fairly,
14:18to prevent crime,
14:20to pursue and bring to justice those who break the law,
14:22to keep the Queen's peace,
14:24to protect, help and reassure people,
14:26and to be seen to do all this with integrity, common sense and sound judgment.
14:30I seek in vain to find couched within that glorious sentiment
14:34any mention of pushing in.
14:37Jobs, sir. Perks of a job, innit?
14:39Finished, sir.
14:40Yes, sir. Think you've lost your place?
14:49Ah, two seconds to spare.
14:51Good afternoon, Sergeant Dawkins.
14:53Forgive me for not greeting you more affectionately,
14:55but as you can see from the clock, I'm back on duty.
14:57Did you go to the bank?
14:59Of course I went to the bank.
15:00Oh, thank goodness. That's out of the way.
15:02Yes, I should perhaps add that although I went to the bank,
15:05I didn't actually manage to transact any business while I was there.
15:09Are you telling me you didn't organise the standing orders?
15:12I fear not.
15:14You see, I neglected to allow for the fact that
15:16because the banks now spend so much money
15:18advertising their tawdry services on the television,
15:21they can no longer afford to actually employ any staff.
15:24I'm going to write to somebody, I really am.
15:26Their adverts suggest this utopian space-age world
15:30where money is handed out willy-nilly
15:33by gorgeous pouting nymphettes with degrees in computing.
15:37Well, we do not require nymphettes, pouting or otherwise.
15:41All we ask is that they put some extra staff on at lunchtime
15:44and pens on the ends of the little chains.
15:48I don't believe you, Raymond.
15:50You can't do the simplest thing.
15:52Now I shall have to go after all and make up the time.
15:55You're a bloody idiot. You know that, don't you?
15:58A bloody idiot!
15:59Please, Sergeant Dawkins, we are on duty.
16:01I'm not an idiot. I'm your commanding officer.
16:03I'm only an idiot between 1 o'clock and 2 o'clock,
16:06after 6.30 and at weekends.
16:09Well, I'm not on duty, so you are an idiot,
16:12a pompous twit and a pain in the backside.
16:14Randy, you're in charge of the desk.
16:17Aye, Inspector Fowler, I'm collecting tea and biki-money.
16:20You owe four pounds.
16:21I'm afraid I shall have to pay you tomorrow,
16:23Constable Gladstone. I was held up at the bank.
16:27Well, I must say you're taking it very calmly.
16:29Finally!
16:30OK.
16:31Excuse me, please. Can I get a drink, please?
16:33Thank you very much.
16:34Constable Habib, I want this lot processed and charged.
16:38What for? Looking stupid?
16:40Bloody students.
16:41We pay for this, you know.
16:43We pay taxes so that these imbeciles
16:46can send hoax threats to the police.
16:48They think it's a joke. Well, it isn't a joke.
16:50I know what a joke is, and this isn't it.
16:52Now, a joke is something like a man walks into a bar.
16:57He says, ouch, cos it's a public bar.
16:59I mean, it's an iron bar.
17:02Now, that's a joke.
17:04Yes, well, they say it's the way you tell them.
17:08Now, you get on, Inspector Grimm.
17:10We'll book this lot of desperados
17:12and ensure that they're properly dealt with, never fear.
17:14Yeah, well, I'm glad you recognise the seriousness of the situation.
17:18If I'm not at the nick, you can get me on my mobile.
17:21I'll give you a banana.
17:28Look at you.
17:30I can scarcely believe my eyes.
17:33The future of Britain.
17:35The cream of a proud nation.
17:37Oh, God.
17:41Do you honestly think
17:43that any halfway decent Japanese company
17:46is going to want to give any of you lot a job?
17:49When Mr Mitsubishi is asking himself,
17:52where shall I construct our new generation of small family hatchbacks,
17:56do you think he's going to say,
17:58oh, I know, we'll go to Britain,
18:00where the academic elite are a bunch of idiots in tutus and gorilla masks?
18:05Or will he go to continental Europe,
18:07where young people wear Benetton tops and respect authority?
18:12Did you ever think of that?
18:13No, well, it's time you bucked up your ideas, then.
18:16Before long, Britain's name will be mud.
18:19Or worse, it'll be Italy.
18:22You're not worth charging. Just shove off!
18:26I weep for our country, I really do.
18:29Did you know that 12-year-olds in Holland and Belgium
18:32can already speak fluent English?
18:34They're no cleverer than British children, sir.
18:37My niece is only ten, and she can speak fluent English.
18:44Your head is just something you keep your hat on, isn't it?
18:52Phew!
18:56Rest assured, Inspector Grim, I have dealt with those reprobates.
18:59For all the good it'll do, you might as well have just told them to shove off.
19:05I'm tired of police work, aren't you, Raymond?
19:08Nothing but idiots, delinquents, yobbos and hooligans.
19:14Oh, I think you're being a bit harsh there, Derek.
19:16Some of your officers aren't so bad.
19:20You know damn well what I mean.
19:22He's all gone...
19:24..posh, snob, brainy, bloody, oity-toity up your bum
19:29and pardoned me for living.
19:33I beg your pardon?
19:35There was a time when if a bloke wanted to rob a bank,
19:38he went out and he bought a shotgun.
19:40Nowadays, he buys a suit from Marks & Spencer's
19:43and gets a degree in accountancy.
19:45They think we're stupid, you know that, don't you, Raymond?
19:48No, I'm not stupid.
19:50I've got five O-levels.
19:52Two of them bloody good grades.
19:55Excuse me.
19:57Yes, Fowler?
19:59Raymond, I'm in the bank. There's a hold-up.
20:02What, still? I don't believe it.
20:05They'll have to get some more staff.
20:07I'm going to write to the head office.
20:09Shut up, you fool, and listen. It really is a hold-up, with guns.
20:12I'm lying face down on the floor with the other customers.
20:15Stay where you are.
20:17Don't move.
20:23A real, live, armed bank robbery.
20:28God, I'm so happy I could cry.
20:32White aspect secure. One-two, out.
20:44Well, thanks to Sergeant Dawkins' prompt action,
20:47we've got them good and cornered.
20:49I hope they haven't shot her.
20:52Have you established communications?
20:54Of course I have. You worry about your own job.
20:57Are the operational perimeters secure?
20:59My officers are in complete control.
21:01All right, everyone, step back a bit, please. Come on.
21:04There you go, son. I can't afford much, but if it's for charity...
21:08What?
21:09You're students, aren't you? This is a reg week stunt.
21:12I knew straight off that he wasn't a copper.
21:15He's too young and weedy. I thought he was a student, he is.
21:19Well, I ain't giving him nothing. I've given enough already.
21:23I've paid for your education, you layabout.
21:26And for your heroin and your free bloody condoms.
21:30Look, I am not a student.
21:33I am a real police officer.
21:35And that is a bank robbery in progress,
21:37so will you kindly stand back, please?
21:39He's very good, isn't he? I mean, he's really quite convincing.
21:43Perhaps he's a drama student.
21:45I don't care what he is. He should get a bloody job.
21:49Leave him alone. He hasn't done any harm.
21:52Leave him alone. He hasn't done any harm.
21:54Here. You haven't got any pot, have you, love?
21:58Rheumatism's killing me and paracetamol just brings me dinner up.
22:03Yes, yes.
22:05We'll see what we can do.
22:08Fowler, job for you. Go!
22:12What can I do? How can I help?
22:14If they want a pizza, detour your people to get them a pizza.
22:18Of course. And perhaps a small selection of cupcakes.
22:21Standard procedure, Fowler.
22:23We acquiesce to the government's demands, that way we win their trust.
22:27Brilliant, Grim. We win their trust by buying them a pizza.
22:31Why, it seems so simple. I wonder if the same tactics could work in Bosnia.
22:35Just do your job, Fowler.
22:37And if the shooting starts, keep your head down.
22:40Go!
22:44Look, there mustn't be any shooting, for heaven's sake.
22:47There are innocent people in there. Patricia's in there.
22:50We must talk to them. I have talked to them, they won't budge.
22:53I've used all my negotiating skills.
22:56Look, Grim, you have all the negotiating skills of an embittered rottweiler.
23:01Your telephone manner is about as appealing as a pub toilet at closing time.
23:05Let me talk to them.
23:08No can do!
23:11This is CID business.
23:13And that is my phone.
23:16The woman I love is in that bank.
23:19Let me talk to them.
23:21Just order the pizza.
23:24Sir, if I give him the money, do you think he'll get me one?
23:28Goodie, the criminals desire a pizza. Kindly order one.
23:31Yes, sir.
23:32Oh, what sort of pizza, sir?
23:34I don't know. Spicy gerbil flavour. Just get a pizza.
23:37Do you mean the works?
23:39What?
23:40The works, sir. It means all the toppings.
23:42Yes, yes, who cares? Just order everything.
23:44No, no, I don't think that's a good idea, sir.
23:46Lots of people hate anchovies.
23:49Anchovies could send these villains over the edge.
23:51Yes, and pineapples, sir.
23:52I only know one person out of all my friends who has pineapple.
23:55Tangy, tropical he has, and the rest of us go...
23:59Personally, I find the idea of any seafood on a pizza quite repulsive.
24:04Yeah, I always thought that.
24:05Well, give them to me, cos I'll...
24:06Look, Goodie, just get a plain cheese and tomato pizza and get it now.
24:10Oh, do you think they'll want garlic bread?
24:12Definitely!
24:17On second thoughts, I'll do it myself.
24:22Yes, it's coming. Where the hell is Fowler with that pizza?
24:26I want to make a complaint about police harassment.
24:30Fowler? Where's Fowler?
24:47DOOR SLAMS
24:55Pizza delivery!
24:57If it isn't hot, there's a 50p refund on your next purchase of diet or regular Pepsi.
25:03Diarrhoea applies between 6.30 and 7, Mondays and Tuesdays.
25:06Subject to availability, usual restrictions apply.
25:17DOOR CREAKS
25:22Well, I might have known.
25:27Now, this time, you really have gone too far.
25:30All right, lob us the pizza.
25:32Ding it, lie on the floor with them other lot.
25:34Lob us the pizza?
25:36Them other lot?
25:38Great jangling jelly babies.
25:40If you spend more time in lectures
25:42and doing ridiculous pranks like this,
25:44you might sound slightly less moronic.
25:46This rag nonsense has gone quite far enough.
25:48You are all in very serious trouble.
25:50Now, hand over those ridiculous toys.
25:52I'll kill you, you bastard!
25:54Don't you dare take that tone with me, laddie.
25:57There's nothing clever about foul language.
26:00I am a police officer.
26:04And you are all under arrest.
26:07Get away, or you're dead!
26:09I'm going to count to ten.
26:11One...
26:12Two...
26:14Don't, Mitch.
26:15I don't want anything to do with murdering coppers.
26:17If you hurt him, I'll shove that gun so far down your throat
26:21you'll be blowing bullets out of your backside.
26:24Blimey! They're all coppers!
26:29Thank you.
26:31I've never heard of such naughtiness, I admit.
26:41All right, Grim, the siege is over.
26:49Oh, Raymond, you were wonderful.
26:52I was so proud of you.
26:54Well, I was very proud of you too, Patricia.
26:56You were most intimidating.
26:58I certainly wouldn't want to meet you on a dark night.
27:01Except to sleep with me.
27:06Well, quite.
27:09I'm the manager of this bank, and I have to say,
27:11you acted with tremendous courage.
27:14Thank God it's all over.
27:16Go, go, go!
27:24Well, you broke every rule in the book, fowler.
27:27Well, I can't deny you ended the siege without bloodshed.
27:32It's pretty cool to talk round armed robbers like that.
27:36Oh, really, Grim, hasn't the penny dropped?
27:39Armed robbers? I hardly think so.
27:42Why, under these silly masks,
27:44you'll find no craggy-faced criminals
27:46but beardless, spotty-faced students on a rag stunt.
27:53Well, there are plenty of mature students at college.
27:57So...
27:59Three desperate villains, just as I thought.
28:02Both of you risked your lives for us.
28:05Now, is there anything, anything the bank can do for you?
28:08No, no, the only reward a police officer needs
28:10is to know that he's done his duty,
28:12served his community and ensured that, as ever,
28:15the thin blue line remains unbroken.
28:18Of course, you could renew our standing orders.
28:21Who are you?
28:23Of course, you could renew our standing orders.
28:25Oh, yes, actually.
28:27Oh, I'm awfully sorry, sir, the bank closed three minutes ago.
28:53Oh, I'm awfully sorry, sir, the bank closed three minutes ago.