Doc Martin 0103 Sh_t Happens
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TVTranscript
00:30And with time marching on like a mad march here in springtime,
00:59we come to one of our weekly highlights.
01:02And our guest today on Portwen Personality Playlist
01:06is of course our very own new GP, Doc Martin.
01:11Doctor Ellingham.
01:14What?
01:15Oh.
01:16Right.
01:17Doctor Ellingham, or Martin.
01:21So Doc, you gave up your life in London and a career as a top surgeon.
01:29A vascular specialist.
01:30To be our GP here in sleepy old Portwen.
01:34Yes.
01:35A little bit more.
01:39Yes, Caroline.
01:43What made you decide to do that?
01:46Um, I wanted to move.
01:52What were your first impressions of our village?
01:57It's windy.
01:58And the people.
01:59The people?
02:00The people of Portwen.
02:01What about them?
02:02Well, the people of Portwen are a rich and diverse culture.
02:03I bet you've been struck by certain individuals.
02:04It's early days, yeah.
02:05Your lobster, he's flashing out.
02:06Yeah.
02:07Bob gives me a good deal.
02:08I've got to go.
02:09Bye.
02:10Bye.
02:11Bye.
02:12Bye.
02:13Bye.
02:14Bye.
02:15Bye.
02:16Bye.
02:17Bye.
02:18Bye.
02:19Bye.
02:20Bye.
02:21Bye.
02:22Bye.
02:23Bye.
02:24Bye.
02:25Bye.
02:26Bye.
02:27Bye.
02:28Bye.
02:29Bye.
02:30Bye.
02:31Bye.
02:32That's the wonderful thing about cancer.
02:33The people are terrified.
02:34I get discounts wherever I go.
02:35Lovely bop, thanks.
02:36Are you thrust into intricate relationships with each and every patient?
02:38No, no, no.
02:39I was wondering, longterm, what you going to do about money?
02:47Oh, don't you worry.
02:51I'll think of something.
02:56How about your personal life? Ever been married?
02:59No.
03:01Engaged?
03:02No.
03:04No trail of broken hearts in London?
03:07No.
03:10It's not a radio natural.
03:11Yeah, well you know part when. It takes people a little time to settle in.
03:16Look, is this live? Do I need to pee?
03:20Some more than others.
03:22Here's one of my personal favourites.
03:26Do you think you could hurry up?
03:30This record finishes in 2 minutes 21 seconds and I'm not putting out two in a row.
03:34This is meant to be a talk show.
03:43Here. Now watch this boy because this is where you always go wrong if you don't mind my saying so.
03:48If I'm so bad at playing, wouldn't you let me go do my course?
03:53Oh, how be Doc? Here, Doc, you're from London.
03:57Why don't you tell young Bill Gates here that computers is only just a fad?
04:01Dad.
04:02Computers are only just a fad. I need to pee.
04:04You could say it with a bit more feeling.
04:06I really need to pee.
04:07Sorry, out of commission.
04:09Quite a cubicle.
04:13Out of order.
04:15Dad.
04:16You're going to stop in a family business until you've learnt a trade.
04:21That's a deal.
04:22It's not that different from plumbing, is it? It's about fixing things.
04:25Apart from anything else, I promised your mother God rest her soul.
04:28Promised her what? That you'd stop me having a career?
04:30No, that I'd see you right.
04:33Sorry, Doc, no water.
04:35No, it's only your number one. If you don't wash, it don't count.
04:38I'll inform the medical community.
04:40Done it.
04:42Good boy.
04:48Don't you think you can give more than single-syllable answers?
04:53Welcome back to Portwenn Personality Playlist,
04:56where my guest is Portwenn's new doc, Doc Martin.
05:01Doc, I've heard a lot about you.
05:04I've heard a lot about you.
05:06I've heard a lot about you.
05:09Doc, am I right in thinking
05:11that you spent a summer or two in Portwenn as a young boy?
05:15Yes.
05:18I did.
05:20With your aunt?
05:22John?
05:24That's right.
05:26Well, airing one's laundry in public's not really my thing.
05:29You don't say, Doc.
05:31Well, Caroline, it strikes me you've got about a thousand locals
05:34who seem to do nothing but talk about themselves.
05:38I'd like to interview one of them.
05:41I'm going.
05:42Over my dead body.
05:43I've got a place at college. I'm going whether you like it or not.
05:46You're staying here where I can look after you.
05:48I don't need looking after.
05:49I promised your mother.
05:51Oh, Mum.
05:52You always wheel her out when you're losing her.
05:54All right, all right. How are you going to pay for it, then?
05:56I'll think of something.
05:57Good, cos you won't get a penny from me, boy.
05:59Well, don't you understand? I don't want anything from you.
06:01Especially not a life-fixing toilet.
06:04You ungrateful little tight.
06:08And you can shove it, too.
06:15You all right, Jane? You look a bit pale.
06:17Do I?
06:18I'm fine.
06:20Just something I ate.
06:22You should go and see the Doc.
06:24Did you hear him on the radio?
06:26No, not really. He just caught a bit of it down at the front.
06:28Very cagey about his love life.
06:30Really?
06:32Very cagey about everything, really.
06:34What did you see in him?
06:36What did you see in the interview?
06:38Don't blame me. Only one of my eyes was working.
06:40Oh. I thought you quite liked him.
06:42He's fine.
06:44What are you after?
06:46My Martin.
06:48Markin. My Markin.
07:02Are you crack?
07:05Just no.
07:11Black thong.
07:13Oh, God.
07:15So, that's Thursday quarter past twelve, then.
07:17Thank you.
07:19Perhaps one day we'll get to meet the mysterious Greg.
07:23You was rubbish on the radio.
07:25Thank you.
07:27You sent my appointments through to my machine?
07:29No. This and don't work.
07:31Keep saying I can't do what I want to do, innit?
07:34Elaine, I've shown you a hundred times.
07:36Yeah, and it still don't work.
07:38So I wrote him down.
07:42Ricky Willow?
07:50Yeah?
07:52So, Ricky, what's the problem?
07:54His bottom is the runs.
07:56I see.
07:58I don't know why boys are funny about their bottoms, do you?
08:00Diarrhoea. How long for?
08:02Any fluids? Any fever or sickness?
08:04No. It's just his bottom.
08:06Right. Well, it might be something you ate
08:08or it could be a viral infection.
08:10Could it be that he holds it in too long?
08:12No.
08:14I'm gonna write you a prescription for some rehydration salts
08:16and we'll give it a couple of days.
08:18Can I go back to work?
08:20He's a lifeguard at the leisure centre, you know.
08:22Well, make sure you're fully well before you go back.
08:24Any problems, come and see me.
08:26Aren't you gonna check his bottom? Show him your bottom.
08:28No, that won't be necessary.
08:31Oh, but you'll be wanting to send this for testing.
08:35I won't be needing the jar back.
08:42Roger?
08:44How are you keeping?
08:46Good, thanks. Pretty good.
08:48Enjoying the chemo?
08:50Actually, I do have one complaint.
08:52I thought all my hair was going to fall out.
08:54I was looking forward to saving money on haircuts.
08:56There aren't any rules with these things.
08:58Have a seat.
09:01Speaking of rules,
09:03I have a favour to ask.
09:05Say no, obviously.
09:07Fire away.
09:09I've got someone looking into my case.
09:11It seems I might be in line for a bit of a payout.
09:13But I'd need a sick note.
09:15Uh-huh.
09:17Let's have a look at that scar tissue, please.
09:21That's coming on.
09:23The argument would be
09:25that the school made me redundant when they did
09:27so that they wouldn't have to pay me my pension.
09:29Sorry, where does the sick note fit in?
09:31Apparently, if I can show that I was sick
09:33at the time of my dismissal,
09:35I might qualify for retirement through ill health,
09:37which, wonder of wonders,
09:39is a pension that pays enough to live on,
09:41including the occasional haircut.
09:45Sorry, I don't quite follow.
09:49I think what they're saying is
09:51that I should ask you for a backdated sickness certificate.
09:55I can't do that.
09:58I can't do that.
10:00When did you lose your job?
10:02September.
10:04Well, I wasn't even here.
10:06I was a surgeon in London then.
10:08I can't do that.
10:12I should never have asked you.
10:14I don't know what I was thinking.
10:16Neither do I.
10:18It's just...
10:20I can give you a sick note
10:22dated from the first time you came to see me
10:24if that's any use to you.
10:27They're sending me a whole bunch of forms.
10:29I don't know.
10:31Well, bring them in.
10:33We'll have a look at them.
10:39OK, guys, well done. Gold medals.
10:41Off you go.
10:43Louisa, come here.
10:47So?
10:49The chances are
10:51I'll have to disappoint you.
10:53You know that, don't you?
10:55I know, I know.
10:57I'm just shooting first and asking questions later.
11:03You see, Elaine, my thinking was
11:05that if you've got a greater understanding
11:07of these things,
11:09then you might start to enjoy your computer
11:11and who knows,
11:13you might even start to use it correctly.
11:15Yeah.
11:19Oh.
11:21I really got to go.
11:24You see, the network wasn't recognising
11:26the new memory I put in,
11:28so by changing these jumper switches here,
11:30we make the network happy.
11:32Check the stray swabs
11:34and stitch her up.
11:36We're done.
11:38Didn't take too long, either.
11:40It's not even eight yet.
11:42Great. Still got time to kill myself.
11:54Hi.
11:56Oh, God. Oh, God, sorry.
11:58It's OK.
12:00I've got lots of Prada.
12:02Designer clothes.
12:04Oh.
12:06Of course, this isn't Prada.
12:08It was a joke.
12:10I see.
12:12I thought I ought to apologise
12:14about that time with Roger Fenn.
12:16I felt he needed looking after
12:18and I suppose I felt guilty about his...
12:20about the whole retirement thing.
12:23You were angry with yourself,
12:25so you took it out on me.
12:27Well, excuse me...
12:29No, I thought that's what you were saying.
12:31Well, yes, I suppose it was.
12:33So it's not my fault?
12:35No.
12:37No, good.
12:39Yeah.
12:41Oh, I...
12:43Oh.
12:45Well, I've, er,
12:47just come from the pub.
12:49Oh, it's clean in the car.
12:51And drinks?
12:55Not a big beer drinker.
12:57I've got a good selection of wines
12:59and whiskies.
13:01Really?
13:03Yeah.
13:05Well, maybe we'll bump into each other
13:07there one day.
13:09I'll see you.
13:13I've got an idea.
13:15Why don't we go out for a drink
13:17once in a while?
13:20Why don't we go out for a drink one night?
13:22OK.
13:24Wednesday at 7.30?
13:26Did you know I wanted you to ask?
13:32Yes, I did.
13:34Hmm.
13:50Here, Doc, Doc.
13:54We're OK, right?
13:56Yeah. Good night.
13:58Here, here, Doc, Doc, here.
14:00Sit.
14:02Sit down, here.
14:12When I said 7, I, er,
14:14I didn't mean, you know, 7.
14:17It was the happiest day
14:19of my life when I got, you know,
14:21Anne's son.
14:26How can you fix a broken heart, eh?
14:30A lot of beer's a good start.
14:32Really?
14:34Yeah.
14:36He's moved out, hasn't he?
14:41You know, when I told my father
14:43that I wasn't going to follow him into the Navy,
14:45we didn't speak for three months.
14:47Yeah.
14:49Now you're older, you're going to understand
14:51his point, can't you? I mean,
14:53that's what I was trying to say to Al.
14:56Yeah, we still don't speak, actually.
15:00So now you're taking Al's side?
15:02I'm not taking anyone's side.
15:04Oh, so I was right in the first place.
15:06You know what?
15:08You can show it.
15:11Yeah.
15:14Well, get someone from the chemist and go to bed.
15:17No, you can't see Doc Morton
15:19with bellyache.
15:22Well, try a hot water bottle.
15:24Elaine, can I have a word, please?
15:26Now.
15:28Er, look, I have to go.
15:36Now what?
15:38Elaine, it is not your job
15:40to give medical advice over the telephone.
15:43It was bellyache.
15:45That's not medical advice, it's common sense.
15:47Can I please decide who comes
15:49to my surgery?
15:51No! No?
15:53If they have bellyache or diarrhoea, then I have them wait.
15:55If they've got something serious, I get them in straight away.
15:57Thank you, I'm familiar with triage.
15:59Right, yeah, so I want an apology.
16:01If it weren't for me, you'd have had
16:03a dozen diarrhoea since yesterday.
16:07How many?
16:13Doctor Ellingham.
16:15I knew you'd come.
16:17Mrs Tishall.
16:19I've been waiting for you.
16:21Good to hear. Why?
16:23Well, it's customary for a new GP
16:25to pay a courtesy call to his pharmacist.
16:27I'm sorry, I should have come sooner.
16:29I bought a cake. It's a bit stale now, though.
16:31I'm sorry, that was unprofessional of me.
16:33No, I'm sorry, I assumed.
16:35Would you like a cup of tea?
16:37No time. I need some information.
16:39Right, sorry. Down to business, of course.
16:42Have you noticed an increased demand
16:44for diarrhoea remedies lately?
16:46Yes. In fact, you could say
16:48there's been a run on them.
16:50Sorry.
16:52Over the last several days,
16:54there's been perhaps 20 or 30 people.
16:56Yeah, I thought so.
16:58Oh, I should have informed you.
17:00I'm sorry.
17:02I should have been more alert. I am sorry.
17:04Mrs Tishall, it really isn't necessary
17:06for you to apologise quite so often as you do.
17:08I'm...
17:10Do you remember any names?
17:12Yes. Mostly locals.
17:14Would you give me a list?
17:16I could.
17:18Now?
17:20Judging by your recent prescriptions,
17:22you seem to be aware
17:24of reports of adrenal crisis
17:26in inhaled corticosteroids.
17:28Well, there have been cases of adrenal suppression
17:30with excessive doses of fluticasone.
17:32I notice you've taken care to ensure
17:34dosages below 400...
17:36Yes, I try to remain current.
17:39Oh, it's so nice to talk to a doctor again.
17:41Dr Sim and I could chat for hours.
17:43Mm, Mrs Tishall?
17:45When the quarterly MRHA bulletin comes out,
17:47perhaps we could get together
17:49over a pot of tea to discuss it?
17:51Just the list for now, please.
17:53I could make sandwiches. Do you eat tongue?
17:55Mrs Tishall, please stop talking
17:57and write me a list of all the people
17:59in this village with diarrhoea.
18:01Yes.
18:03Sorry.
18:09Are you Dr Martin?
18:11Dr Ellingham, yes.
18:13I'm worried about my Emily.
18:15She's got a terrible tummy bug.
18:17I called the surgery, but the girl said you couldn't see her.
18:19Ah! No, I will, as soon as I can.
18:21Can I take your name, please?
18:23Oh, it's Braithwaite, and she's Emily.
18:2521 Playfield Street.
18:27Our Emily's never ill.
18:29She's as strong as an ox.
18:31She swims for the county.
18:33Well, there's all the more chance of her bouncing back quickly.
18:35I'll telephone you this afternoon.
18:38Does Emily swim at the leisure centre?
18:40Oh, she lives at the leisure centre.
18:42Thank you.
18:48Mr Newton, it's very important that you remain hydrated.
18:50Drink a lot.
18:52Have you or your wife used the swimming pool
18:54at the leisure centre in the last five days?
18:56Uh-huh.
18:58Both of you?
19:00Right.
19:02All right, then. Bye-bye.
19:04Everything's fine. I'll show you.
19:06Well, the evidence suggests that the pool's infected.
19:08No way.
19:10It's properly chlorinated and filtered.
19:12Well, my guess is it's cryptosporidium parvum.
19:14A large number of my patients used your pool recently.
19:16Not from here, mate.
19:18Including one of your lifeguards.
19:20I keep rigorous records.
19:22Correctly tested.
19:24Perfect pH levels.
19:26Exactly the right concentration of chlorine.
19:28Congratulations.
19:30This parasite is resistant to chlorine.
19:32You need to close the pool down,
19:35and change your filters.
19:37What? Have you any idea...
19:39Forget it.
19:41This pool is a danger to public health.
19:43Who the hell do you think you are,
19:45coming in here and telling me how to run my pool?
19:47I think I'm a doctor with dozens of sick patients.
19:49OK. Well, you've said your piece.
19:51Now, I'm asking you nicely to leave.
19:54EXPLOSION
20:04Listen up.
20:06Excuse me.
20:08Children,
20:10I've got something really important to tell you.
20:18Shut up and listen!
20:20EXPLOSION
20:24My name is Dr Ellingham.
20:26I'd like everyone to swim to the side
20:28and get out of the pool immediately.
20:30No way!
20:32Yeah, you smell.
20:34Sort of.
20:36Smelling-ham, Smelling-ham.
20:38Yes, that's hilariously funny,
20:40but this is actually quite serious.
20:42I'm telling you,
20:44there is something dangerous in the water.
20:46Now, please,
20:49calmly swim to the edges
20:51and climb out of the pool.
20:59SCREAMING
21:11These children can't drown.
21:13There's absolutely nothing wrong with the water.
21:19MUSIC PLAYS
21:31Mrs Winter's in your upstairs bog.
21:33Can't wait.
21:35What's going on?
21:37Diarrhoea.
21:3914 now, 17 tomorrow.
21:41Bring me the first patient's notes, will you?
21:45Hmm.
21:48I'm going to give you a study of fluids
21:50and I'll write you a prescription for some rehydration salts.
21:52And when you're feeling better,
21:54why don't you come and see me
21:56and we can talk about the treatments available for your acne?
21:58What acne?
22:00Doesn't matter.
22:02You're like me.
22:04What?
22:06I heard you on the radio.
22:08You're like me.
22:10In what way?
22:12You don't say much.
22:14I see.
22:16Year nine.
22:18What, you don't swim?
22:20I don't get out much.
22:22Someone in your family, then?
22:24No.
22:26Have you been in contact with anyone
22:28who used the pool at the leisure centre recently?
22:34Out of the way.
22:40Can I have your attention, please?
22:42Has anyone not used the swimming pool
22:45at the leisure centre recently
22:47or been in contact with any swimmers there?
22:51Right.
22:53Thank you.
22:55What are you doing?
23:04Welcome back.
23:06You're listening to Radio Portland.
23:08And we have a surprise visitor in the studio,
23:10our very own Doc Martin.
23:12Good afternoon.
23:15I gather he's got some health information for us
23:17and he'll be taking calls later in the show.
23:19Couldn't stay away, eh, Doc?
23:21Some of you may already be aware
23:23that there's been a stomach infection
23:25doing the rounds in the village.
23:27Oh, yeah.
23:29One or two of my friends have gone down with it.
23:31I hope I don't get it.
23:33I thought I'd tracked down the source
23:35to the pool at the leisure centre
23:37but that turns out not to be the culprit.
23:39So for the time being,
23:41I'm advising you to boil all local tap water
23:43So we've got a mystery, then?
23:45No, I don't think so.
23:47The culprit's quite clearly Portwen's own water supply.
23:49That's why I'm advising you to boil...
23:51Hey, time for a commercial break.
23:53What do you think you're doing?
23:55What?
23:57You can't say that about the water.
23:59Why not?
24:01If you bothered to know anything about the place you live in,
24:03you'd know we had a scare here three years ago
24:05and almost closed the village down.
24:07I have a duty to these people.
24:09If the media gets hold of this, Portwen is finished.
24:12Tell that to the family.
24:14Still on the dole after the last ball's up.
24:16They'd love to do their jobs.
24:18And we're back.
24:20We just want to reassure you
24:22that Doc didn't mean to suggest
24:24there was anything wrong with the water supply.
24:26Yes, I did.
24:28There is a possibility that the water supply...
24:30That's right.
24:32The water is just a possibility.
24:34No, no, no.
24:36I said there's a possibility
24:38that the water has become contaminated.
24:41Tell your listeners and our readers
24:43just how serious disinfected water is.
24:45Are we talking hospitalisation?
24:47Or fatalities? Or...
24:53Sorry.
24:55You should be pissing in our water.
24:57Honk!
25:01That's us buggered, then.
25:05Tosser!
25:11You want some of this?
25:13It's very good for you.
25:15No, no, no. I can't stop.
25:17Look, Marty, you do realise
25:19that the villagers are dusting off their pitchforks, don't you?
25:21Yes. Exactly how many generations ago
25:23did the inbreeding start with these people?
25:25A few years ago,
25:27there was a scare about aluminium in the water.
25:29I know.
25:31It was a false alarm, but the damage had been done.
25:33The national press had a field day.
25:35Summer came, but the tourists didn't.
25:37I heard all about that,
25:39Now, if a few less cornets
25:41get sold down on the front,
25:43then I'm very, very sorry.
25:45The Norders lost their house.
25:47Poor old Bob Pearson hanged himself.
25:49If I still have to warn people, don't I?
25:51If I don't warn people, then the pitchfork brigade
25:53will crucify me for that, won't they?
25:55Probably.
25:57And when I'm proven right and that water's tested,
25:59do you see any of them coming up here
26:01and begging to eat a piece of humble pie?
26:03I don't think so.
26:05Martin, tell me you had that water tested
26:08Martin!
26:10Excuse me.
26:38Hey, you don't like our water?
26:40Bert, it's been a long day.
26:42Take two Aspen and insult me in the morning.
26:44Daphne du Maurier said our water
26:46was worth a pound a pint.
26:48I'm sure she did.
26:50Well, I never touch it myself.
26:52That sludge has got all sorts in it.
26:54What?
26:56Mind if I come in?
26:58That water eats through pipes.
27:00Imagine what it would do to your innards.
27:02Well, it may have been premature
27:04to question the supply,
27:07but the truth of the matter is
27:09I'm having further investigations
27:11carried out on the water tomorrow.
27:13But until we hear to the contrary,
27:15it would be safe enough to assume that...
27:17Are you out of your mind, Doc?
27:19You go in barbing.
27:21No, you want to play it safe.
27:23That's what I do.
27:25Here, this is what you need.
27:27Fine French spring water.
27:29Oh, Bert, I appreciate that this is an opportunity for you...
27:31Oh, no, this is a proper job, this.
27:33Shadow St. Marie.
27:35But you were right, Doc.
27:37People listen to you.
27:39Since that plug on the radio, my business has doubled.
27:41Well, we need to have the water tested.
27:43No, you don't need to test this, Doc.
27:45It's from an ancient spring
27:47deep beneath the green hills of France.
27:49No, better be safe than sorry.
27:51Now, when you run out,
27:53just give us a call.
27:55Free delivery.
27:57For you.
28:05Well, of course you can test for Cryptosporidium.
28:07This is the North Cornwall Water Company, isn't it?
28:09We can, but we don't.
28:11This is a water treatment plant, yes?
28:13The finest in north-west Cornwall.
28:15And it's safe to assume
28:17that you can actually do the test here?
28:19I suppose so.
28:21Then it's also safe to assume
28:23that you are a self-important, obstructive moron.
28:25There are people in port when throwing up as we speak.
28:27Is that true?
28:29Yes, it's true.
28:31And it's safe to assume
28:34If that's everything,
28:36I have important matters to obstruct.
28:42OK, how are we going to sort this out?
28:46We do have a rolling programme of tests.
28:48If I were to try and squeeze this one in,
28:50there would be a cost implication.
28:52You mean an extra charge?
28:54I'm not authorised to make any charge,
28:56but you could make a contribution
28:58to our Christmas fund.
29:04Roger?
29:06Roger, how are you doing?
29:08Yeah, OK.
29:10Listen, I shouldn't be telling you this
29:12because it's not official,
29:14but it looks like there's a half-time music
29:16teaching poster with your name on it.
29:18Right.
29:20But try not to get too excited.
29:22Of course we can't justify it on our own,
29:24as you know,
29:26but it looks like St Wilfrid's are coming in with us.
29:28So I've taken the liberty of asking you
29:30if you'd like to come along
29:33So I've taken the liberty,
29:35I hope you don't mind,
29:37of putting after-school music
29:39on this term's clubs list.
29:41I can't.
29:43Why not? Of course you can.
29:45You should have been teaching music all along.
29:47And the parents are keen.
29:49You know, John Doddsworth's mum,
29:51she says she remembers you and your band.
29:53I really appreciate it, Louisa,
29:55I just can't do it.
29:57Why?
29:59There's a claim for constructive dismissal
30:01I don't think they'd appreciate it
30:03if I suddenly pulled the rug out from underneath them.
30:05But I...
30:07And the fact is,
30:09having been away from it for a few months,
30:11it seems to me there's more to life than teaching.
30:15Right.
30:17I'm sorry.
30:19Fine.
30:21Fine.
30:23I've set the ball rolling now,
30:25and I don't know what to do,
30:27but
30:30fine.
30:36Thanks for coming at short notice,
30:38um, Mr. Johnston, sorry.
30:40Ed, I should thank you.
30:42Sales of the Echo are very healthy,
30:44even if the people have bought one or not.
30:46Newborn lambs don't shift newspapers in quite the same way.
30:48I want to set the record straight
30:50about the water. Have a seat, please.
30:52Dish.
30:56This has been a huge misunderstanding.
30:59I don't know for certain
31:01that there's anything wrong with the tap water at all.
31:03Well, hang on a minute.
31:05If the water's OK,
31:07how come you're drinking mineral water?
31:09I like it.
31:11I often drink it.
31:13But I also drink the tap water.
31:15It's good.
31:17It's safe.
31:21It's lovely.
31:23So, for the time being,
31:25the tap water is safe,
31:28and I'd be grateful if you'd...
31:30quote me on that.
31:32What's with the U-turn?
31:34You announced on the radio that the water was contaminated.
31:36Um, not in possession of all the facts.
31:38We're still having tests done,
31:40and that takes time.
31:42So now you're saying, what, the tap water's fine?
31:44Absolutely. Our good Cornish water
31:46is still worth a pound a pint.
31:48What?
31:50Daphne du Maurier. Excuse me.
31:52You all right? Mm-hmm.
31:54I'm fine. You're not, are you?
31:56You've got the lurkey, haven't you?
31:58So there is something wrong with the water.
32:02Can I quote you on that?
32:05I was just wondering if, um...
32:07I'll come back when you're feeling better.
32:09No, no, no. I'm fine.
32:11Um, the forms have arrived.
32:13Yeah, all right. Leave them with me.
32:15I'll... I'll...
32:17I'll... I'll...
32:19I'll...
32:21I'll...
32:23I'll...
32:25I'll...
32:27I'll...
32:29I'll...
32:31I'll...
32:34Leave them with me.
32:36Thanks, Marty.
32:40I thought I'd drop this off personally.
32:48No faecal coliforms, detective...
32:50no coliforms of any kind.
32:52No contamination at all.
32:54It's not the tap water, then.
32:56That's good news for the village.
32:58Back to square one.
33:00Well, I'll be on my way, then.
33:03Are you having a stroke?
33:08Christmas fund?
33:10Word to the wise, always take your feed
33:12before you give your diagnosis.
33:33Birds!
33:57Birds!
34:01Birds!
34:02Birds!
34:27So this is Chateau St Marie, is it?
34:30If you don't mind, it's private property!
34:33What the bloody hell do you think you're doing, Bird?
34:37None of your business now, is it?
34:39But like I told you before, show it!
34:43Bird, this...
34:45This whole operation's got to shut down now.
34:48Look, this might not be French water,
34:50but at least it's spring water.
34:52You're making everyone ill, Bird.
34:55First, there was the leisure centre.
34:58Then there was tap water, now it's me.
35:00Who's next?
35:01I've had the mains water tested, it's clean.
35:03This is from my spring.
35:05It don't get cleaner than that.
35:07Where is your spring?
35:08Up Northfield.
35:09You keep sheep there? Aye.
35:11Are they lambing? Aye.
35:12Sheep during lambing, a common source of cryptosporidium.
35:18You have to collect all the water you've sold
35:20every single bottle, Bird, and stop.
35:24So I've given everyone the runs?
35:27Quick as a flash.
35:33This is all for Al.
35:36I always knew he was going to fly the nest, but...
35:40That's why I started this.
35:42What's up?
35:43You have someone on the side.
35:45Make a little nest egg for him.
35:46I thought you didn't want him to go.
35:48I don't.
35:50The morning I was born, I had this vision, right?
35:53Him and me, plumbers together,
35:55that we would be something special.
35:57You know, invent a new stopcock or something.
36:01I don't want him to go.
36:03But when the time comes, I'll have to provide for him.
36:08Ungrateful little tyke.
36:25Now what do you want?
36:26Drop dead, you dunderhead.
36:28Dunderhead? Is that the best you can do?
36:30Do you hear him? I can't speak to him like this.
36:32Bird.
36:33What?
36:34Your father has something he wants to tell you.
36:44You must be freezing out here.
36:46Would you like me to bring you a spare heater?
36:48Oh, for God's sake.
36:49Your father wants to apologise for being a mindless control freak,
36:53and he's fine about you going to college and studying computers.
36:56He didn't say that. Not him.
36:58He said it to me, and he meant it.
37:02If he means it, he should say it.
37:05All right.
37:07To me.
37:11I've been thinking.
37:13If you want to do this computer stuff, it's all right by me.
37:19Yeah?
37:20Yeah.
37:22Yeah?
37:23Yes!
37:24Dad.
37:25Dad.
37:28Get out of it.
37:32Dad, it's quite expensive, this college.
37:34Oh, don't worry about that.
37:36What, you're not selling that or, you know...
37:38Oh, no, no. Like I told you, I stopped that a long time ago.
37:41Then how?
37:43Look, we'll sort it. Don't worry.
37:46Now, there's another option.
37:48You do night classes. How do they do them at Weybridge?
37:51What, undo the plumbing in the day?
37:53Oh, it's just an idea, you know.
37:55See the coppers coming in? What are you studying?
37:58Yeah, it's an idea.
37:59Here, doc.
38:00That other thing.
38:01Consider it sorted.
38:03Yeah.
38:05Um, Al, as you're good with computers,
38:08you wouldn't mind having a look at the two in the surgery, would you?
38:11There's a problem with the network, whatever that is.
38:14Yeah.
38:15Oh.
38:16Mind you, it'll cost you.
38:18Dad.
38:21No way.
38:23Greg, I'm not having that.
38:25SHE GIGGLES
38:27No!
38:30Yeah?
38:31Is Martin around?
38:32On the radio.
38:33Which bit of the word no do you not understand?
38:36Have you any idea when he might be back?
38:38SHE GIGGLES
38:41I've no idea. Do you mind?
38:46Aw.
38:48Oh, Mr Fan, he left this for you.
38:50SHE GIGGLES
38:55You gave me a D for attitude, you remember?
38:59Mistake.
39:05Greg?
39:06Yeah, all right.
39:08Yeah.
39:09So, doc, the crisis is over,
39:12there are no new cases of stomach upset
39:14and our tap water has been officially vindicated.
39:17You must be feeling a little red-faced.
39:20Hardly. I may well...
39:22Well, you were wrong.
39:25With the benefit of hindsight, yes, but I stand by my decision.
39:28People might say foolish, even.
39:30Look...
39:31And have you at least identified the source of the infection?
39:36No, I haven't.
39:39People might say you almost put this village out of business for nothing.
39:43Yes, they might.
39:46Yes, they might.
39:48Well, I'm sure we'll all come to our own conclusions
39:51as to how well this has been handled.
39:53Thanks, doc.
39:54Thanks, Caroline.
39:55And now, moving on to this week's catchphrase competition.
40:16This is totally messed up, doc.
40:18Oh, that's, um, probably my fault. I was having a look at it this morning.
40:22Your settings are completely wrong, your network configuration is a shambles.
40:25Sounds like that might be expensive, doc, your new network configuration stuff.
40:29It was fine last night.
40:31Well, I'm sure Al can fix it.
40:33I thought you fixed it that time.
40:35I'm sure Al can fix it.
40:38Oh, no!
40:41Oh, Lord, who'd have guessed?
40:44What do you want, Elaine?
40:46Nothing.
40:48Can you set this up so I can get free music off the net?
40:52No, that's illegal.
40:54But for me?
40:56No.
40:57Al?
40:58OK.
40:59Good.
41:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
41:02I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
41:04Al?
41:05OK.
41:06Good.
41:07Yeah, I can sort it for you, doc,
41:09but it'll take me a while, though, and I'll have to come back after lunch.
41:12Ah, well, I can't afford for the network to be down.
41:15Er, I wonder if we could arrange for you to do some sort of monthly check-up, if you...
41:20What?
41:22Too busy, direct debit or standing order?
41:24Dad.
41:25I'm sure we can work something out, doc, yeah.
41:27So have I got to put up with this lump every month?
41:29Lump, eh?
41:31Cheers, doc.
41:35Er, nice and quiet, please, and I include you, Lucy Holmes.
41:40Well, welcome to Music Club.
41:43So what I thought we'd do, this week at least,
41:47is some music appreciation.
41:50Because we all need to listen to music
41:53before we can begin to play it.
41:55Ready?
41:57But what about Mr Fenn?
41:59Mr Fenn's meant to be teaching us, isn't he?
42:01He's got cancer.
42:03Well, we were hoping that Mr Fenn would be here for Music Club
42:06and to give us some music lessons,
42:08but unfortunately he was unable to come.
42:12So are you any good at music, then, miss?
42:15Well, you don't have to be good at music to enjoy it or to appreciate it.
42:22But it, er, it helps if you want to teach it, though, eh?
42:25Right then, everybody, who wants to make some music?
42:28Me!
42:29Great. Now, listen, next week I'm going to ask you all
42:32to bring in an instrument of your own,
42:34but this week we're going to make do
42:36with the ones we have all been blessed with, our voices.
42:40So come on, form a nice circle round the piano.
42:43Shoot off, if you like.
42:44What about a pencil and a cleaner?
42:46Can you imagine me with a decent haircut?
42:48I don't know what you mean.
42:49Well, can you?
42:50No, not really.
42:51Neither could I.
42:52Right, do you call this a circle?
42:54For goodness...
42:55Right, um, now who remembers this one?
43:02Oh, yeah, the riff riffs!
43:05Yeah!
43:10The words that you give won't last that long
43:14Never ever have I ever felt so low
43:18When you're gonna take me out of this black hole
43:21Never ever have I ever felt so sad
43:25The way I'm feeling, yeah, you got me feeling really bad
43:28I never ever had a conscience to fight The way I'm feeling, yeah, it just don't
43:35feel right Never ever have I ever felt so low
43:39When you're gonna take me out of this black hole
43:44Never ever have I ever felt so sad
43:48Am I late? No, no, I'm early.
43:53Heard you were on the radio. Oh, which time?
43:56Does it matter? Yeah, some were more painful than the others.
43:59Really? No, they were all awful.
44:01So what's the story with the water, then? Oh, it's over.
44:05Oh, come on, you can tell me. I knew you were holding back.
44:08The way you let Caroline lay into you like that.
44:10I made a mistake and I admitted it. Evening, darling.
44:13You carry on like this and it might even be safe for me.
44:16It's not safe. It's not safe.
44:19You carry on like this and it might even be safe for me to admit
44:22I was on your interview panel.
44:24I wouldn't break cover just yet if I was you.
44:27Um, er, drink?
44:30Yes, I'll have, um, water, I think, yes.
44:34Shall I find you somewhere out there?
44:42Doc, hi. Mark.
44:44Listen, I should come and see you sometime. OK.
44:47Cos I'm still, you know, the old depression thing.
44:50Yeah, well, any time, but not...
44:53Thanks. I think I know what it is.
44:56It's the girlfriend thing.
44:58I used to think I was a basically unhappy person,
45:00but now I think I'm a basically happy person
45:02who just doesn't have a girlfriend.
45:07Oh, Louisa, actually, we could just have a little minute, could we?
45:10Bit delicate.
45:12Er...
45:14Thanks.
45:16I do have girlfriends regularly, of course.
45:18Well, not regularly, but it's not like it's once in a blue...
45:21Well, it is once in a blue moon, to be honest,
45:23but I had this one once and, er,
45:26she said I was too gentle.
45:29I didn't know what to do with that.
45:31Have you ever had that? Too gentle?
45:34No.
45:36Oh, it's a hard one.
45:40I mean, they say too gentle, but what do they mean by that?
45:46Oh.
46:16I don't know.
46:18I don't know.
46:20I don't know.
46:22I don't know.
46:24I don't know.
46:26I don't know.
46:28I don't know.
46:30I don't know.
46:32I don't know.
46:34I don't know.
46:36I don't know.
46:38I don't know.
46:40I don't know.
46:42I don't know.