Love Off The Grid S02E12 (2024)
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TVTranscript
00:00My daughter Emily and my grandson Mateo came out onto the land today.
00:29And in our conversation, she made it really clear
00:31that she doesn't agree with my relationship with Jennifer.
00:35You have just gotten divorced, and now you're
00:40jumping into a whole other relationship.
00:43And so I still have reservations.
00:46But it is her that you love and not
00:48the escape from the reality of everything that's happened.
00:54What are you having anxiety about?
00:57I just want to make sure Mateo's OK and everyone's OK.
01:00And I'm just anxious.
01:02I know.
01:05Having Emily there and Mateo there
01:07really made me see the distance between me and them.
01:14Because only I can bridge that distance.
01:17There's nothing for them to come up there for.
01:21They're returning back to their rental this evening.
01:24And I promised Jennifer that I wouldn't leave the land again.
01:28But tonight, I really feel like I should be with my family.
01:32And I'm conflicted because I feel
01:34like Jennifer is going to take that as just a broken promise
01:38and a breach of trust.
01:41I don't know what I'm getting or not getting.
01:44I don't have anything to wear tomorrow.
01:47OK, so don't worry about clothes.
01:48Look, come here.
01:50Yeah.
01:53You don't sleep at an Airbnb with her?
01:55Yeah, I wanted to stay there.
01:57Why don't you let me just get shit ready
01:59and I'll meet you out here?
02:01OK.
02:02What Jolie's telling me is she wants to go
02:04and stay with Em and Mateo.
02:06Part of me understands, but, you know, it does trigger me.
02:10I don't mind meeting you in the morning.
02:12I'm only going to be gone for the night.
02:17I don't want her to give up anything
02:19that would make her happy in order to be out here with me.
02:24But lots of people in my life have
02:26bailed when things get tough.
02:27And it just kind of is reminiscent of that for me.
02:32It seems to be a pattern of the people that I have in my life.
02:38I love you.
02:39I love you.
02:40Anything else you need?
02:41No, I will message you in a little bit.
02:44All right, I'll see you tomorrow.
02:46I don't like you leaving like this.
02:48You make sure you get some good sleep.
02:50I will.
03:04Oh, I'm fucking tired.
03:08This is definitely a choice that you have to make to be out here.
03:12That's my main concern, is that this is not going to be
03:15something that she's going to want forever,
03:17which is part of the reason I have my walls up,
03:19because I'm kind of bracing myself for that
03:22breaking moment with her when she decides
03:24that this isn't what she wants anymore.
03:41All right, you want to pick up towel or pick up paper?
03:44Is that what we're doing again?
03:47Fucking sorting, what the fuck?
03:50What am I picking up?
03:53Joe and I have been eating right, storing up sperm,
03:55and tracking my ovulation.
03:57All of my pregnancy tests are still negative.
04:00I knew there was a mosquito on me.
04:02See there, they back.
04:03It's time to go in the house.
04:05It sucks, but I've basically just been distracting myself
04:07with doing all the things that we need to do on the property.
04:10I have not been bitten by a mosquito this whole fucking year,
04:13and I don't like it.
04:14Don't even do it.
04:15It don't matter how long it's been.
04:17It hasn't happened since last year,
04:19and I don't like it.
04:21Shut up!
04:22Look at it, it's already turning red.
04:26Fucking skeeter.
04:27It's been hard to stay positive month after month,
04:30but the last few days I haven't been feeling right.
04:32I feel weird.
04:33Like, I feel off.
04:34Something don't feel right.
04:37What you mean, baby girl?
04:39I don't know what I feel,
04:40but I feel like I might be pregnant.
04:44What was that?
04:45I feel like I need chocolate.
04:50Okay.
04:51That's a weird craving.
04:52It is for me, because I don't usually eat it.
04:55My aunt always said that when you crave something,
04:58it's like something else is really craving it.
05:00It's a baby.
05:01You're supposed to have a taste for something by spell.
05:04What you think?
05:06Well, you want to take a pregnancy test?
05:09Yeah, I guess.
05:10All right.
05:11You want me to stay out here?
05:12Yeah.
05:13Holler if you need me.
05:14You want to hold the P-cup?
05:16Not really.
05:17Then what am I going to holler if I need you for?
05:19Exactly.
05:21More support.
05:29Whenever I take a test,
05:30it's all kinds of emotions going on.
05:34Bro, was that good?
05:36Rebel, was that good?
05:38What?
05:39Rebel just ate a bug.
05:41Oh.
05:43Wonderful.
05:45Sometimes it's fear.
05:46Sometimes it's hope.
05:48Sometimes I'm excited.
05:49Other times I'm just down,
05:50because it's like I already know ahead of time.
05:57I'm not pregnant.
06:01There's no line at the bottom.
06:06One line.
06:07Two lines is pregnant.
06:09Oh, wow.
06:10Yeah.
06:12It's disappointing
06:13struggling through all these negative tests,
06:16but I know we will eventually get what we want.
06:21We'll keep trying.
06:22It's fun.
06:23I'm just trying to stay positive
06:24so that Myesha can stay positive.
06:26It's not fun.
06:28It's not fun to keep getting negative results.
06:32Slow and steady.
06:35I completely understand Myesha being upset,
06:38getting another negative test,
06:40but I hate seeing her unhappy like this.
06:43Everything I do is to make her happy,
06:46and if she's not happy,
06:48I feel like I'm not doing all that I can do.
06:51It's okay, baby girl.
06:53Trying to get pregnant is just like,
06:55it's emotional in the aspect of feeling like a failure,
06:58because naturally,
06:59it's something that you're supposed to be able to do.
07:02And, like, my job can't be done,
07:05so you just kind of maneuver through it
07:08and take it day by day.
07:09No more tests,
07:11because I'm tired of taking these.
07:13Yeah.
07:14Tired of peeing on your fingers?
07:15I ain't peeing on my fingers.
07:16Don't do that.
07:17If you focus on the negative of always thinking,
07:20damn, I'm not going to get pregnant,
07:21it hurts.
07:23Just let it happen.
07:25Yeah.
07:26I'm going in the house.
07:27But if you focus on the positive and say,
07:29oh, yeah, it's going to happen one day,
07:31get your hopes up,
07:32and then it doesn't happen.
07:33And so it's still like a pain.
07:35Love you.
07:36I love you.
07:37Everything's going to be all right.
07:38Yeah, yeah.
08:01Hey.
08:09Hello.
08:11Hey, baby.
08:12Hey.
08:13I just got back from the rock patch, dang it.
08:18There's all kind of bear sign.
08:21It's cold.
08:22I know.
08:23It was freezing last night.
08:24Freezing cold.
08:25I actually struggled, I think, just as much.
08:28You did?
08:29With sleeping?
08:30Yeah, but the wind was blowing so hard.
08:33Well...
08:35You did a really good job.
08:37It was scary.
08:38Well, I mean, the fact that you stayed out here was...
08:41Yeah.
08:42...pretty awesome.
08:43Because it is unnerving,
08:45but gives you a little more confidence, wouldn't you say?
08:50I made it through the night.
08:51I did hear a lot of noises.
08:55And even, like, the leaves falling on the tent
08:58would startle me.
09:00And Charlie tells me things are fine,
09:02which in his mind they are fine.
09:03But I felt like it was a little bit hard for me to sleep.
09:07It was actually quite hard for me to sleep.
09:10I guess I would more easily say yes
09:13to sleeping out here again
09:15now that I have slept out here.
09:17It was kind of nice sleeping out here.
09:21Right?
09:22In a way.
09:23I mean, minus the idea that kept coming to my mind
09:26about the bears,
09:27I would catch myself if I dozed off.
09:29I was like, hey, and then I'd hear something and wake up
09:31and be nervous again.
09:34Yeah, but you didn't.
09:35Ooh, thank you. It's freezing.
09:36Yeah, put that on.
09:37I will.
09:39Uh, well, it is stupendous.
09:44I'm really proud of Jen last night,
09:46facing her fear and staying in a tent with me,
09:48facing the cold and the elements.
09:50She did a really good job.
09:51But waking up this morning after speaking to Jen,
09:55I kind of have a fear of my own now.
09:58Because Jen shared with me that she is planning
10:01to travel back and forth to Florida
10:03more than having the boys travel back and forth to the mountain.
10:08It's disappointing to me because
10:10the goal when we first started
10:12was that her sons would love it enough
10:14that they would want to come back and forth more,
10:16which means I would be with Jen for longer periods of time.
10:21And if there's one thing I've realized
10:23is that Jen traveling back and forth
10:28it's not good for our relationship.
10:32What's going on?
10:33I mean, I'm juggling so many different things.
10:35I'm going back, I'm juggling there.
10:37I'm coming. It's tiring.
10:39I know.
10:40The more time we spend apart,
10:42the harder it is to actually stay together.
10:44There you go.
10:45Realistically.
10:47Jen and I become closer when we're together,
10:49not when we're separated.
10:50And it feels like we're taking one step back
10:52every time that she has to leave.
10:55The geographical challenges of being with someone
10:57that's that far away from you
11:00affects a lot of decisions that you make.
11:03I'm hoping Jen doesn't regress and stay in Florida
11:07more than she stays on the mountain
11:09because that would be kind of devastating.
11:14All right, are you ready to go?
11:17No, I'm just sitting here
11:19wrapped up in the blanket.
11:21What do you think I'm doing right now?
11:23I'm taking the chin up.
11:25I'm sorry, I thought you had your shoes on.
11:27No, I'll get my shoes on.
11:28What are we doing?
11:29We're going to go to the other side of the rock patch
11:32before it gets too late
11:34and maybe we have a chance to see a mom and her cubs or something.
11:39With all this going on, in my heart,
11:41this battle between Jen staying and leaving
11:44and stepping forward and backing up,
11:47we still have these fears that she has to face.
11:50That still has to happen.
11:52We're here in this situation right now
11:54and we know where the bears are.
11:55Let's handle that and just keep moving forward.
12:00Did you see anything when you were over there?
12:02I just saw that they've been in there a lot.
12:04Oh, gosh.
12:06And with this cold weather,
12:07they're going to move a little bit more than they normally do.
12:10And...
12:11Now here comes the nerves again.
12:14You ready?
12:15Yep.
12:16Let's go.
12:17Should I say, hey, bear?
12:19No.
12:20We want to see the bears this time.
12:22Right up here is the spot, babe.
12:26Go through the bushes.
12:28Right here?
12:29Yeah.
12:32Don't move, don't move, don't move.
12:35Is it really?
12:36Yeah, you see it?
12:39Yeah.
12:41I see a mama bear and two babies.
12:45I'm, like, really excited to see the bears,
12:47which is so hilarious.
12:48I've been so afraid of them.
12:49It's like, wow,
12:50there's this massive bear and her two baby bears
12:52running up the mountain.
12:54And it's magical.
12:57She did run them away from us.
13:01She was protective.
13:02I see how that is.
13:05Charlie is right.
13:06They are afraid of us as well.
13:09Living off the grid is very charming.
13:11And one thing that I do love about Charlie
13:13is he wants me to feel safe
13:15and he wants to make me feel comfortable.
13:17So, at the end of the day, I do trust him.
13:19But a lot goes into really committing to each other.
13:22And he's going to have to show me his commitment
13:25so that I can feel confident about moving forward with him.
13:38Hey, Melvin.
13:39Oh!
13:40Oh, my.
13:41Look at that.
13:42Oh.
13:43Let me help you.
13:44You can't eat it like that, sweetie.
13:45I've been out here with Ken for two weeks,
13:47and we're making progress.
13:48It's not where we need to be, but we're getting there.
13:50You want to help me do the honors?
13:52Yeah, look at Melvin.
13:54I just kind of feel like there's a lot more to do
13:56before the kids can come down.
13:59Belly.
14:00Here you go, booger.
14:01Belly, want some corn?
14:03After they put their head down, that's it.
14:05Mm-hmm.
14:06Look at Melvin.
14:07What about that time, Mel?
14:08I love seeing them eat.
14:10It just makes me feel so good
14:11to know it came off our land.
14:14It's almost rib season.
14:19I hate talking like this around them.
14:21They're not pets.
14:23Well, I love them like pets.
14:25Christine loves animals, you know,
14:27so she wants all of them.
14:28Any animal she sees, she wants to take
14:30and take care of and get to know.
14:32And I'm worried that I'm going to end up
14:35losing a lot of resources, you know,
14:38because she doesn't want to get rid of any of the animals.
14:41And I can forage a lot, but for animals
14:43that I'm not getting any food or eggs from,
14:45I don't know if I can do it.
14:47And so, we get ready.
14:48We get down to it.
14:50Guess I am ready.
14:52Christine's going to have to understand
14:53that she has become a totally different person here.
14:56Out here, it's not just gathering food
14:58and growing food.
14:59You got to hunt.
15:02Got us a nice little spot.
15:03So today, we're going to do some training
15:05on the crossbow.
15:06Then after those training wheels, you know,
15:08we're going to ride that bike.
15:10You got a cactus on your foot.
15:12Is that what that is?
15:13The ideal life that we like to live
15:15doesn't have a heavy reliance on the grocery store.
15:17But for me,
15:20I'm okay with him hunting.
15:22So, this is going to be fun.
15:24All right.
15:25Well, you're the expert, so.
15:27Christine doesn't want to learn how to shoot
15:28because then it would lead to, like, other things,
15:31like having to find something to shoot,
15:35like maybe some squirrel or some rabbit
15:38or something like that, a deer.
15:40Don't say the R word, please.
15:41Don't say the R word.
15:43Rabbits, I don't...
15:46Bunnies.
15:47They're so cute.
15:48Like, why would you want to murder such a sweet face?
15:51You don't look at their face when you hunt them.
15:54It's just...
15:55That's not a good spot to shoot for.
15:57You want to go for the heart.
16:01So, there's a little foothold here.
16:03Okay.
16:04Pulling up evenly
16:06till you hear that click.
16:08Okay.
16:09And that's it.
16:10Do I need to back up while you use the elbow?
16:12No, don't you?
16:13I'll switch places.
16:14You can see what I'm doing.
16:16Gonna look down the sight.
16:19Whoo!
16:20Right in the middle.
16:21Yeah.
16:22Very easy.
16:23Gee, well, you've been doing it every day.
16:25Yep.
16:26You want to try it?
16:27Yeah, let me try it.
16:28Okay.
16:29Pick it up, hold it towards the target.
16:31Okay.
16:33Armpit.
16:34Finger not on the trigger.
16:36I can see good.
16:38Got the grip.
16:40Pull that bad boy when you're ready.
16:45Whoo!
16:46Now, that's a great shot.
16:47Whoo!
16:48That's a great shot.
16:49You're a killer.
16:50My wife is good at a lot of things.
16:52I don't think she realizes just what she can do.
16:54Yeah, I don't want to take it again.
16:56Yeah, you do?
16:57She's getting out here.
16:59She's getting her land legs.
17:01And she's figuring out, you know, how everything works.
17:03And I think she's a natural.
17:04But, you know, she has a good teacher, too.
17:07Maybe you want to hit that deer.
17:08You want to hit that deer over there?
17:09Yeah, I think I'll hit...
17:10What are you naming him?
17:12Bucky.
17:13Oh.
17:14Bucky looks like he didn't do nothing wrong.
17:17They picking on you, baby?
17:18Bucky's up to no good.
17:19Look at him.
17:20Bucky looks like he wants a new...
17:21Real shifty eye right there.
17:22He looks like he wants a new mom.
17:26I think that's where we're going to have a problem.
17:29You're trying to be his mom, and I'm trying to be his butcher.
17:34I don't like to murder animals.
17:36I think they're better off walking around.
17:38If I was hungry, would I jump on top of a turtle,
17:41snatch his shell off, and eat it?
17:43No.
17:44I'm not going to do that.
17:45Nobody's making rabbit burgers out here.
17:47It's just made to order.
17:49You know, you got to make that on your own.
17:51So you got to...
17:52You know, you got to do what you got to do.
17:54Let me take Bucky.
17:55Let me get Bucky a first time.
17:57Yeah, you go ahead and do that.
17:58I'll take Bucky out.
18:03Wow, right in that circle spot, man.
18:05Look at you.
18:06I want to do it.
18:07Okay.
18:14Woo!
18:15You in there.
18:16You in there.
18:17That dead deer is dead.
18:20Let's go see what we did.
18:21This is amazing.
18:22I'm excited right now.
18:24Like, I got a hunting buddy.
18:25Wee!
18:26That's the heart right there.
18:28Oh, baby.
18:29Yeah, so you are, I mean...
18:30I'm sorry, sweetheart.
18:31You were in there.
18:32I'm so sorry.
18:33Man, that was pretty good.
18:35I'm proud.
18:36You're a little hunter.
18:37You're definitely a hunter.
18:39So we're going to take that next step.
18:40What's the next...
18:41Oh.
18:42It's worth Christine learning how to kill animals
18:46because that's usually my job,
18:48but if something happens to me,
18:50I hurt my leg or fall off a ladder or something,
18:53step on a cactus a little bit too hard,
18:55you never know.
18:57I need someone that can pick up a bow
18:59or pick up a rifle or pick up a crossbow
19:02and get some dinner, bring some dinner home.
19:05You know, being off-grid,
19:06you have to depend on everybody around you
19:09for your dear life.
19:11I learned how to use a crossbow.
19:13I didn't think I'd be so excited about it, but I am.
19:16It was heavy at first.
19:17I could see the skill, where skill is definitely needed.
19:20Let's get out there.
19:21Let's get your first hunt.
19:22Let's get your first kill.
19:23This is the most fun I've had with Kennard on the farm,
19:26the most fun task that we've done together.
19:28I can see me shooting with Kennard often.
19:35♪♪♪
19:41Watch your step here.
19:43It's got some ice on the left side.
19:47I don't even know what to expect.
19:49You ready?
19:50I don't know. Am I?
19:52Here we go.
19:57Wow.
19:58So this is where we're going to be growing food.
20:01It's so warm.
20:0365 degrees.
20:06You know, it might be actually a good place to do hot yoga.
20:10This might be perfect.
20:12Good job, babe.
20:14It's come a long way, huh?
20:15From where you were filling sandbags with earth,
20:18earth bags, putting them in the walls.
20:20It's actually crazy to think about.
20:22It was crazy.
20:24♪♪♪
20:32Just hold it for me.
20:34The mesa is too cold to grow any plants in the winter.
20:38Just lift it up, but give it a jerk.
20:40So we're building an underground greenhouse
20:43so we can grow our own food right here all year.
20:46Is this a better workout than yoga?
20:48Yeah, this is hard work.
20:50Moving off-grid has been one of the most testing experiences
20:54I've been through, just because it's so different
20:56than the way that we've all been programmed
20:59to go about daily life.
21:01There were definitely moments where I felt like
21:03I was completely letting go of who I am
21:06in order to show up and be present in the relationship.
21:11All right.
21:12It's hot.
21:14Just like this property, Shaila and I,
21:17we've been building our relationship, you know,
21:19piece by piece, and there was a learning curve for sure.
21:23I don't want people knocking on my door
21:24first thing in the morning.
21:25I want, like, at least an hour to myself.
21:29So put hours on the door.
21:30Don't knock.
21:31Okay.
21:32Make a sign.
21:33Whatever makes it happen, you know, like...
21:35Hear you loud and clear, soldier.
21:37Got it.
21:38She's projecting some of the things that happened
21:40in her past onto us.
21:43I was definitely triggered by memories of the past.
21:51I'm going to step outside.
21:56So I feel like things have been going really good,
21:58but I've thought that before.
22:05You want to stop her?
22:06No.
22:07That's the wrong thing to do.
22:12The relationship between Shaila and I
22:14has been evolving these last couple months.
22:19I got it.
22:20I actually enjoy this.
22:22We're both learning and adapting
22:25and becoming one team.
22:28Look at this cardboard.
22:29It's already started to deteriorate.
22:31Yeah, that's awesome.
22:32I used to just think about myself and the projects
22:35that were a part of Veterans Off Grid.
22:37Now it's time for me newer.
22:39And now I have to think about all those things
22:41and Shaila and what she needs.
22:44You sore, Shaila?
22:46Yeah.
22:47My arms are a little sore.
22:49I made it a point to bring myself and my life,
22:52the things that I've cultivated,
22:54into this relationship.
22:57It's very intuitive.
22:58I can do a 10-card spread.
23:00Sometimes it's just three cards.
23:02With the Queen of Cups here,
23:03this is speaking about your intuitive capabilities.
23:10I know I'm willing to put in the time.
23:12I just hope that she's ready to journey with me
23:16and stay here.
23:19You asked me months ago,
23:21how are we going to meld our lives together?
23:25And I think this is a start.
23:28We've been through a lot, right?
23:30We have been through a lot.
23:31So I'm going to be out here showing up for you,
23:34getting stuff done,
23:36and continuing to work on the relationship.
23:39What do you think?
23:41You think you are ready to take the next step with me?
23:50I'm in.
23:51Yeah?
23:52I'm in.
23:54You want to continue this journey?
23:56We're continuing this journey.
23:58I'm so happy to hear that.
24:02I feel like we're finding the ability
24:03to really meet each other in the middle,
24:06and it's making it a lot easier for me
24:08to think into the future about this
24:10actually being something that I do long-term.
24:13I'm excited.
24:14New beginnings.
24:15New beginnings.
24:17New beginnings.
24:21And a perfect ending.
24:22Mm-hmm.
24:35Hey, Bill, you going to carve pumpkins?
24:38She's like, what do you got?
24:40Odin 2.
24:42When you live off-grid,
24:43you have to find new and creative ways
24:45to keep yourself entertained.
24:47I saw this thing where you just, like,
24:49scratch out the designs,
24:50and then I'm going to put it in the chicken coop,
24:52and the chickens are going to carve the pumpkins.
24:54Oh, okay.
24:55The goats and the chickens love pumpkin.
24:57It keeps them healthy,
24:58and it is a natural dewormer,
25:00so killing two birds with one stone,
25:02we get the pumpkins,
25:03my boys and I carve them,
25:05and then when we're done,
25:06we give them to the animals.
25:08What are you doing?
25:09I might do a pumpkin on the pumpkin.
25:11A pumpkin-pumpkin?
25:13A pumpkin-pumpkin.
25:16Yesterday, Jolie's daughter Emily
25:17came out to the homestead
25:19to meet me and my boys,
25:20and Jolie spent the night
25:22at the place where Emily and Mateo are staying,
25:25and she should be back sometime today.
25:28So what would you think
25:29Jolie's biggest problem out here might be?
25:32Do you think she has what it takes
25:34to live out here honestly?
25:36I don't know.
25:37We'll see this winter.
25:38I think if she wants to, she will,
25:40but it's going to be her wanting to want to.
25:46Yeah.
25:47I mean, just from seeing her split wood,
25:50you know, she's got a lot of growth
25:52to go on from there, so.
25:54When Emily was here,
25:56I was really trying to make
25:57a really good impression on Emily.
25:59I was left kind of a little let down.
26:02We didn't have the conversations
26:03I thought that we would,
26:05and Jolie left in tears,
26:07so it wasn't exactly how I had hoped it would go.
26:11You guys know I'm a bit of a micromanager,
26:13and it's hard for me
26:15to let go of some of that control
26:17and just let people make mistakes.
26:20She gets frustrated
26:21because she doesn't want to have to prove herself to anybody,
26:24but if she makes a mistake with the solar,
26:26she makes a mistake with the goats,
26:28I mean, that could be dangerous.
26:30Yeah.
26:31The only thing that's going to cure that
26:33is her being here
26:34and continually choosing to show me
26:37that she wants to be at this homestead
26:39for the right reasons.
26:41It's a lifestyle commitment.
26:42Yeah.
26:43So she's not only getting into a relationship with me,
26:45but she's also getting into a relationship
26:47with this homestead, you know?
26:49Mm-hmm.
26:50I think you guys know
26:51it's probably what I talk about the most in my life
26:54is this property and what we're doing out here.
26:57Yeah, no doubt.
27:00Hopefully Jolie can add to it if she wants to.
27:06My mom has a history of people being dishonest
27:09with their feelings and lying to her
27:11or not following through
27:12with what they've told her they would do for her.
27:15So because of the past relationships my mom has,
27:18she's going to be watching out pretty seriously for her.
27:22Even beyond just verbal stuff,
27:23she's going to make sure if Jolie says
27:25she's going to get something done,
27:27she's going to do it.
27:29Do you think she's going to make it out here?
27:32I hope she makes it out here.
27:35I worry.
27:37I can't say that I don't.
27:39Ideally, what I would like is for Jolie to be tough enough
27:44and determined enough and match my love for this land.
27:51So I kind of think that that's what I'm just kind of waiting for
27:54is to see at what point she's just like,
27:57I'm not going to keep doing this.
28:00Mm-hmm. Yeah.
28:02I really want to know what that whole meeting with Emily was about.
28:08It's definitely not how either one of us wanted it to go down.
28:12So I'm having a little bit of anxiety,
28:14a little bit of anxiousness about talking to her about that.
28:18I'm almost done. You guys?
28:20Yeah, I'm almost done. I decided to do double faces.
28:23Let me see yours.
28:26Why does yours look so mad?
28:29Is yours puking?
28:31It's doing something.
28:32It's got something going on with its side ear too, so.
28:35Good job. Should we take over the chickens?
28:38The goats are going to be all over this first.
28:51This is like your graduation, you know?
28:54I feel like you're a good student.
28:57Christine is a good shot.
28:59So, you know, we're going to get out there and start hunting.
29:03In order to bring the kids out,
29:05we're going to need several ways to get your male out here.
29:08I think her skill with target shooting is going to translate well to hunting.
29:11If she can stay quiet and stay low,
29:13there's no telling how much meat she can bag.
29:16See, this, I'll have no problem shooting a rabbit
29:19if it's eating my stuff down here.
29:21Look at all this rabbit poo.
29:23Yeah.
29:24And look what it did to my corn.
29:27Look at this one.
29:29It's half eaten.
29:31What am I going to do with this?
29:33I mean, give it to the pigs.
29:35Yeah, I'm not raising corn half for the rabbits and half for the pigs.
29:39Seeing the destruction that the rabbits cause in my garden
29:42makes me want to eat them.
29:44Look at this.
29:45Like, okay, they're cute,
29:47but it's not cute when you're tearing up the food
29:49that I have to provide for my family and the animals here on the farm.
29:52Well, I mean, the snakes didn't get to them yet.
29:55Snakes?
29:56Yeah.
29:57We've got everything out here.
29:58We've got rattlesnakes.
30:00We've got copperheads.
30:01We've got cottonmouth vipers.
30:04Being that we have the little baby little puppies around here
30:07and small animals and, you know, kids coming soon,
30:11I definitely wanted less snakes on the property.
30:14I got us a nice little spot over here.
30:17No snakes so far.
30:19You lead the way.
30:21Watch out.
30:22A bunch of cactus over here.
30:23That'll get you too.
30:24Oh, my goodness.
30:25It's just everything out here, isn't it?
30:26The cactus is more dangerous than the snakes around here, I think.
30:29So what now?
30:30So we're going to just lay down in here.
30:38All right.
30:39So just watch for any movement.
30:41Okay.
30:44And then we're going to wait and see if we can get any rabbits
30:46or some squirrel or something.
30:48This is what hunting's all about.
30:49I mean, just laying out, enjoying the nature.
30:53It's some good bonding time, I think.
30:56Really?
30:57Yeah.
30:58Oh, boy.
30:59Someone's here to help you hunt.
31:00The dogs kind of make it hard to hunt.
31:03Come on out here, girl.
31:04Come on, Lily.
31:05Come on, girl.
31:11Oh, no.
31:12You got Tina coming.
31:14Oh, no.
31:15Oh, God.
31:16Okay.
31:17Oh, no.
31:18Oh, no.
31:19Oh, no.
31:20Oh, no.
31:21Oh, no.
31:22Oh, no.
31:23Oh, no.
31:24Oh, God.
31:25Okay.
31:26All right.
31:27All right.
31:28All right.
31:29All right.
31:30I don't think hunting's going the way we planned it out.
31:33I'm getting nothing but dogs over here.
31:35Oh, you got all the puppies.
31:36Man, we were looking for dogs.
31:38We found plenty.
31:39Yeah, we're not hunting baby girls.
31:42Y'all need to go ahead.
31:43Come on, girls.
31:44How do you find us?
31:47We need to get these girls to find the rabbits, huh?
31:49Yeah.
31:50That's probably why we can't find them.
31:52I'll come back and see.
31:53Oh, Lord.
31:54Don't let them start fighting.
31:59Hey, hey, hey.
32:01Hey, hey, hey.
32:02Wait a minute.
32:03Hey, hey, hey, hey.
32:04Leave her alone.
32:07Hey, that's your friend.
32:08You're okay.
32:09That is your sister.
32:12I like hunting buddies, but four-legged hunting buddies,
32:15you got to watch out for them.
32:17Well, I think they scared all the prey away.
32:20Hunting didn't quite go as planned,
32:22but if this is a sample of what it's going to be like
32:24when Christine's here with the kids,
32:26I'm loving every moment of it.
32:28Yeah, I think hunting's over.
32:29It's way more fun than I thought it was going to be.
32:31I feel like I got my friend here, you know,
32:34that can do stuff with me, that can hang out.
32:37We can just experience life with.
32:39Come on, girls.
32:40I think Cowboy Ken's idea of hunting rabbit
32:43makes sense for him,
32:45but when you include all the family,
32:47it's just not enough to sustain us,
32:49and hunting right now does seem like it's taken away
32:51from some of our bigger projects.
32:53We still have so much to do
32:54before we all can come out here to live as a family.
32:58That's not funny, Paco.
32:59Oh!
33:16We've been abstaining from sex for almost two weeks now
33:19because Maisha wants my sperm count to build up
33:21before her next ovulation period.
33:24Not getting pregnant is hitting Maisha harder and harder,
33:27and now not having that physical connection
33:29is definitely compounding the issue.
33:34This is so bad out here.
33:36It's a mud hole.
33:37It's horrible.
33:39We'll get the drainage cut here soon.
33:41Yeah, like, real soon.
33:43That's what the tractor's for.
33:46Oh, red.
33:47Yeah, big red.
33:50We had Joe's sperm tested in his soldier's march.
33:54What you up to?
33:56Nothing.
33:57I was very surprised because Joe's cum is not a lot.
34:01It just be like a little...
34:03All the guys that I've ever been with,
34:05they actually have, like, a lot of nut,
34:07and, like, he don't.
34:09If you're somebody not being funny that gives head,
34:12you just know the difference.
34:13You can feel the difference.
34:14You can see the difference.
34:16We need to do something.
34:20You just let me know what you want to do,
34:22and I'll do it.
34:23I don't know.
34:24That's why we doing the whole holding out for a little bit
34:28so we can see if we can get your sperm better.
34:33We've tried a lot of things to get a baby
34:36with the whole yoni steaming and not fucking,
34:39but unless the doctor tells me my eggs don't work,
34:42we can just always keep trying.
34:44There's options.
34:45You don't got no ideas?
34:49I mean, just keep talking.
34:52Talking.
34:53Work hard.
34:54Eat right.
34:55That's all you got.
34:56Keep talking.
34:57Just sex.
34:58It ain't nothing else gonna fix this
35:00but some dick.
35:01Right.
35:03I mean, I believe there's other ways.
35:06You be praying?
35:07Yeah.
35:08Right there beside you.
35:11Don't be lying, though.
35:12Whenever you do and you say amen, I'll say amen.
35:15You don't even know what my prayer is
35:17half the time when I be praying then.
35:19Amen.
35:21You're getting on my nerves so bad.
35:23You better start praying your own prayers.
35:26God ain't gonna ask me about you when I go through the gates.
35:29We'll see.
35:33Look at them out there.
35:35They trying to have sex with the dog.
35:38Get off her.
35:39Look, he is.
35:41He is genuinely like, I'm getting me some.
35:44You can't get you none, but they can.
35:46Well, we know that's a girl then.
35:49Yeah.
35:50That answers that question.
35:52And then the other one was trying to help.
35:54Like, they just out there raping her.
35:56Trying to find the right one.
35:58Holes?
35:59How many damn holes do the ducks have?
36:01It's quite a bit.
36:03It goes in and then there's other just pseudo pockets
36:09that can get fucked, but there's not a womb at the end of it.
36:16I feel like you making shit up.
36:20It's still great to see Myasha fascinated with this life
36:23like she was when she first came out here with me.
36:26A lot has changed since then,
36:28but I just hope we can hold on to a little sliver of that.
36:32But anyways, if we can handle building this house
36:36and getting this property this far by ourselves,
36:39we can figure this out.
36:41We can get pregnant by ourselves.
36:43I know.
36:44I'm just trying to come up with other solutions.
36:47Yeah.
36:48Genuinely, five years from now,
36:50if we can't have kids and we don't have a third,
36:56I'm giving up.
36:58All right, baby girl.
36:59Well, I'll come up with any ideas I can.
37:02And I won't even focus on Polly and Marie anymore.
37:07Like, we might have playmates,
37:08but it's just not going to be fulfilling the dream that I have
37:11because we both want more.
37:14It's sad.
37:15You need some love?
37:16All right.
37:17I'm almost done here anyways.
37:22Good girl.
37:23Grease face.
37:24Right?
37:25I'll be in soon.
37:27I bet.
37:47The goats want to know what we're doing?
37:50Oh, yeah.
37:52They're all into this.
37:54What up, goatee goats?
37:57My boys left this morning, and Jolie came back.
38:02Now that we had a somewhat nice day,
38:05we need to paint the back wall
38:06so that the winds and the rains don't deteriorate even further.
38:10We got to get this done before the monsoons come in the spring
38:14because if the rains come down on this,
38:16it's going to make this wood warp
38:19because see how we painted it before,
38:21and it's starting to wear off?
38:22Yeah.
38:23That's all from the wind.
38:24Oh, no.
38:25Like sand blown?
38:26Yeah.
38:27Damn.
38:29You know the winds out here.
38:30Oh, yeah.
38:31I would really like the opportunity to talk to her
38:33about what happened when Emily came to visit.
38:36She was very standoffish from the beginning.
38:40Well, happy birthday.
38:41I bet you didn't expect to be spending it out here.
38:43Mm-hmm.
38:44In the middle of the San Luis Valley.
38:48What do you think about your mom being out here?
38:52It's interesting, for sure.
38:54Not something you saw?
38:57Definitely not.
39:00After that, Jolie had an obvious panic attack.
39:03I'm just not sure why that happened,
39:05and I'd like to know her side of the story.
39:10So what was going on with you before you left?
39:13I was just exhausted from the whole day
39:15and being worried about how everybody was going to get along,
39:20and I don't know.
39:22I think my anxiety got the best of me,
39:25and I just had a panic attack, really.
39:29So was it because of your panic attack
39:31that you didn't introduce me to her?
39:33Because you never did.
39:35Did you know that?
39:36Like I was waiting for you to be like,
39:37this is my daughter Emily, this is my grandson Mateo,
39:40but you never did.
39:42And she never introduced herself.
39:44And I just kind of...
39:45I didn't know that.
39:46I didn't.
39:47I apologize.
39:53I just figured since there was no introductions made
39:58and she didn't really talk to me,
40:00and I just thought there was something maybe said...
40:02No.
40:03...between you two.
40:04Not at all.
40:05And it was a definite shift,
40:08and I really didn't understand why you left like that, you know?
40:11The reason that I left like that was honestly exactly what I said.
40:16Okay.
40:20I'm just asking because it was kind of important to me,
40:23you know, that she likes it here,
40:27that she saw you and she saw that you were happy.
40:30You know, those things all mattered to me.
40:32I understand.
40:34I think that more so than her approval or not of you
40:38was just exhaustion because I was just very anxious about everything.
40:45Was that what that was?
40:48Yeah.
40:49Unfortunately, it's not always just heavy breathing into a paper bag.
40:56What were you worried about?
40:59I don't know.
41:02I was just emotional because, you know, they're very important to me.
41:05It's my family, and I've been away from them,
41:07and I've chosen this life away from them,
41:10and it's emotional when I get a chance to see them.
41:13I used to see them every single day,
41:16and I didn't know how hard it would be to be that far away from them.
41:21It sucks because really I do.
41:23I want to have it both ways.
41:24I want to be up here with you, and I want to be with my family,
41:28and that's a hard choice.
41:31And instead of being there when first words are spoken or—
41:36You know, this is the whole reason that I was hesitant.
41:38This is the whole reason that I was standoffish
41:40because I knew there'd be something,
41:42whether it be the animals or your family or the cold or the hot or the dirty.
41:47So this is the—here's the thing.
41:50Did you hear that elevation in your tone and all of that?
41:53No, I just was trying not to cry.
41:55Was that just—okay.
41:57It sounded like a whole lot like yelling.
41:59No, I'm just trying not to cry, Jolie.
42:00Okay, I understand that, Jennifer.
42:03You know, because I really want this to work.
42:06And that doesn't mean that I don't want it to work, Jennifer.
42:10It really means that there's things I didn't think about.
42:14That's all that means.
42:15But I'm a casualty in that.
42:17Jennifer, I'm a casualty too.
42:19Do you don't think that would hurt me?
42:22Do you think I'd just walk away with a smile and everything would be great?
42:28So many times it feels like if I have any other emotion
42:31other than just happiness and pleasure about being out here,
42:35that she's going to be offended by that.
42:37If I tell Jennifer that I want to go home a little bit more,
42:39she's going to think that I've lied to her
42:41and that I don't like it out here and that I'm abandoning her.
42:45And it really isn't that at all.
42:48I just feel like if we're not communicating what's really going on,
42:52we're kind of doomed, Jolie.
42:55I definitely agree.
42:57And I feel like sometimes the things you say aren't exactly what you feel.
43:03Sometimes I feel like you say it because that's what you think other people want to hear.
43:08No.
43:10Jolie made me a promise very early on
43:13that she was going to try to be out here for the entire winter.
43:17But when things get tough, Jolie always takes off back to the city.
43:23And I can't fully invest myself in someone who isn't going to be here for the long haul.
43:34We don't communicate the best always.
43:37No.
43:38We got a bunch of shit to figure out.
43:52We got a bunch of shit to figure out.