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00:30The Journal of Rachel Harris, being an account of the life and works of her fiancée, Plantagenet,
00:59Evans, photographic artist and man of genius, under whose roof I now reside, though naturally
01:09in my own apartment.
01:12It makes interesting reading sometimes whilst waiting for my employer. In my position I
01:18do a lot of waiting, mainly for him to marry me. He can't do a thing, he tells me, until
01:26the planet Venus moves into a more appropriate conjunction with his overdraft at Lloyd's.
01:37However, on this particular occasion my employer had called at number 26 Max Boyce Avenue to
01:53make arrangements for someone's wedding. How I envy the two of them, how cosy and
02:00lovey-dovey.
02:01Unfortunately, sometimes my employer allows his artistic curiosity to go beyond the bounds
02:14of being tactful.
02:17She seems very inventive with regard to her forthcoming nuptials, very active premaritally.
02:22Have you been prying into things perhaps best left unsaid?
02:27One glass of her ma'am's homemade dandelion wine, she's hittin' him with a bucket.
02:33Will you be wanting the leather albums or will you be making do with the inferior plastic?
02:38Plastic?
02:39I thought as much. You look a bit handy with the plastic.
02:43Always associate him with inferior plastic.
02:49Don't you think we'd better go?
02:51Shouldn't I go and say goodbye to the happy couple?
02:53One thing I do know, her second language isn't Welsh.
03:15Well you don't have to look.
03:23What started them fighting? What did you say to them?
03:27Me? Innocent bystander, isn't it? Merely exercising a steadying influence on their
03:33youthful tendency to condemnise, photographically. Putting them at threes with a few conversational
03:39enquiries.
03:40I knew it. You were asking questions. You were prying.
03:46Prying's a harsh word.
03:47Well look what happens.
03:48It's not prying, it's the urge the artist has to cut through the surface of things to
03:53get at the human truth underneath.
03:54And what human truth did you uncover that started them fighting?
03:59I asked him merely if he was still contributing to the upkeep of Maureen Hackett in Colman
04:03Street. A young lady of fashion, much seen lately, frequenting the fitting rooms of mother
04:09care.
04:10Meanwhile, back at my sister's, they were laying plans to embarrass me in my unmarried
04:18state by recruiting for just such a purpose the Reverend Mervyn Tuth, new to this parish.
04:26You're new here?
04:28Yes.
04:29Start as you mean to go on.
04:31Oh, I will, I will.
04:33You must vanquish the sinner wherever you find him.
04:37Amen.
04:38Amen.
04:39Well I thought first I'd, uh, oh amen, yes indeed, yes.
04:46I thought I'd meet a few people before I start vanquishing.
04:53Start over there.
04:57With a photograph?
04:59Isn't that a shade vainglorious?
05:02No, not with a photograph.
05:05With a battle against your sworn enemy.
05:09I try not to have any enemies.
05:11Do you?
05:13I couldn't live without enemies.
05:16You are mortal enemy, ma'am.
05:18That great deceiver who roams the earth.
05:21Ah, him.
05:24In the person of Plantagenet Evans.
05:28Ah, ah.
05:33Is that him?
05:34Uh, oh no, no.
05:36Evans is hairier, more demoniacal.
05:41I'm a demoniacal.
05:46Well, who is he then?
05:48Oh, uh, a disciple probably.
05:53Black mass.
05:55Oh, they're so wicked.
06:00Probably sacrificing my sister on top of the counter.
06:06After all, she is unmarried.
06:20What are you thinking, standing there
06:22admiring these academic robes?
06:25I'm thinking you look like a camelman.
06:27No, not the face, not the face.
06:29No, it's this hump here, you see.
06:32You've got sloping shoulders too, haven't you?
06:34Don't take any notice of him, Mr. Morris.
06:36He's too frank by half.
06:40Well, if you're being overcritical, it's true.
06:42I have got very slightly sloping shoulders.
06:45They come in here crippled, bent, fat, spotty,
06:49poutly, sometimes even carrying guitars.
06:53Well, of course, I can deal with spots.
06:55I can cover them.
06:56But the photographic art has no way of dealing
06:59with a sitter with guitar.
07:00And whose fault is it if afterwards they
07:03don't all look like Paul Newmanman?
07:05Mine.
07:06My wife's the only other one who's
07:08ever noticed a slight sloping of the shoulders.
07:11Oh, really?
07:12Came at her recklessly, did you?
07:15Pajama bottoms only.
07:17Yes, desperate for affection, eh?
07:19Oh, Glynnis, you said to her.
07:21It's Mavis, actually.
07:22Oh, well.
07:24Oh, Mavis, you said to her.
07:26And she said, oh, damn, not tonight.
07:27You've got sloping shoulders.
07:29Oh, no, it wasn't like that.
07:33Do you know what she never noticed for years?
07:36Until I was being measured, inadvertently,
07:39for a blue suit.
07:40Oh, there you are.
07:41That's another thing, you see.
07:42They all come in here wearing blue suits.
07:45It flies in the face of nature, this craving
07:47for an inadvertent blue suit.
07:59Hm.
08:01No, no, that's no good.
08:03Clashes with a beard.
08:06Looks like two cats up to no good.
08:11I'm not really academic.
08:13Well, that's true of most academics, isn't it?
08:16It's only I had for the day.
08:17Oh, is it?
08:18A fancy dress, is it?
08:19No, I'm thinking about York University.
08:22Oh, there's unwise.
08:25As if middle age hasn't got enough pitfalls along
08:28comes the open university.
08:31Well, the kids are grown up.
08:33I got plenty of time in my hands now, see?
08:35Well, waste it, man.
08:36That's what it's for.
08:36Oh, no.
08:38I couldn't do that.
08:39Well, not straight away, no.
08:41It takes years.
08:43Takes years of practice, the art of getting
08:46the hang of idleness, trickiest art form of all, and.
08:49I am absolutely made up my mind, but I am drawn
08:52towards the open university.
08:54Oh, no.
08:55Steer clear of the fashionable degree.
08:58I mean, being uneducated is one thing,
09:00but becoming qualified in it is terrible indeed.
09:04No, no.
09:04Just a minute.
09:05Let's try this here.
09:13More humps.
09:18I thought I'd have a photo talk, see how I look in the robes.
09:21That is good thinking.
09:22I mean, there's no point in spending all those years
09:24studying if you just finish up looking a twit in the hat.
09:28Do you think I look a twit in the hat?
09:30A twit?
09:30You look an absolute.
09:31Mr. Evers.
09:34What?
09:35I've got some letters for you to sign.
09:37Letters? Letters?
09:38Yes, yes.
09:39They're in the darkroom.
09:39Excuse us, won't you?
09:40We won't be a moment.
09:41My assistant, Miss Harris, who lives on the premises.
09:49I have my own apartment.
09:54An arrangement with numerous advantages
09:56over the open university, I can tell you.
09:59Why do you have to tell him he looks a twit in the hat?
10:01Because he looks a twit in the hat.
10:03Can't you be more tactful with paying customers?
10:05Tactful, that's a terrible, dull topic
10:07to talk about when someone's biting your neck, is it?
10:10Mr. Evans, there's a customer waiting.
10:15I know, it's me.
10:18Please, be more tactful.
10:20Soul of discretion, I'll be.
10:27Oh, he's very powerful physically.
10:30And you can't always avoid him in his confined spaces.
10:34Oh, I do, don't I?
10:36I look a twit in the hat.
10:40Bachelor of arts, is it?
10:43It's not really me, is it?
10:45Why not try science?
10:47Bound to be more precision about the heart with science.
10:50Aye, all right, then, I will.
10:52I'll do science.
10:53I'll have computer access.
10:54I'll make a contribution to Welsh technology.
10:57And then the hat will suit me better.
10:59Oh, that's it, yes.
11:01He's better, see?
11:03Bit of tact.
11:04Oh, yes, man with a golden tongue, that's you.
11:08Hey, I'll have a photo talk anyway.
11:10That's how we are, we scientists.
11:12Never happier than in Scherzli's.
11:13That's the idea, that's good.
11:15That's your career settled. Now all we've got to do
11:18is to try to stop you looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame.
11:24Despite his appalling frankness,
11:27it can be quite endearing living with a genius
11:29on a day-to-day basis.
11:31For instance, like most geniuses,
11:33the practicalities of domestic life have largely escaped him.
11:39Now then, don't tell me, something missing.
11:43I have it, milk.
11:46All right, here we go.
11:53There, try that.
12:03Yes, yes, that's a cup of tea, all right.
12:05There you are, you see.
12:07And you said I couldn't cook.
12:12Nothing to it.
12:14The cup that cheers, but not inebriates,
12:17as my old grandad used to say when he was sober enough to talk.
12:22Oh. Oh, yes, I'm afraid I've run out of sugar.
12:26Never.
12:27Never, my love, you will never run out of sugar.
12:31Your sweetness is inbuilt like a lollipop.
12:36Always there to the last nibble.
12:40Tell me, why have we no sugar, dearest?
12:43Try honey.
12:45Very well, why have we no sugar, honey?
12:48Because I haven't bought any, darling.
12:50Oh, well, the next question is fairly obvious.
12:53And the answer's fairly obvious, too. I haven't got any money.
12:57No money?
12:58But I gave you the week's housekeeping only ten days ago.
13:01Exactly.
13:03There aren't ten days in a week, there are seven.
13:05Look, don't let's drag simple arithmetic into this.
13:08If you want some more money, you only have to ask.
13:11Fine. Can I have some more money, please?
13:14Not at the moment, I'm skint.
13:16Why don't you use some of that money you have put by?
13:20That's for a rainy day.
13:21Well, last week was rainy enough.
13:24It was absolutely persistently coming down,
13:28only as a temporary loan, mine.
13:30There's not much of it left.
13:31You had that previous temporary loan to buy me a Christmas present.
13:34No, no, I didn't buy you a present last Christmas.
13:37This was a Christmas before that.
13:39Well, good heavens, that's ancient history.
13:40You're not going to throw that in my face, are you?
13:42Of course not, but I'd like to hang on to some of it.
13:44After all, it is my money.
13:46Besides, if it's all gone, you won't be able to buy me a present this Christmas.
13:50And I do love your presents. They're so original.
13:52Yes, that's true.
13:54I bet not many men have ever bought you a stuffed gorilla before.
13:58It looks wonderful in the corner of my bedroom.
14:00Yes, so do you.
14:02No, it does, really. I love it.
14:06Every time I look at it, I think of you.
14:08Oh, I see. That's the way you think of me, is it?
14:12Fine figure of a monkey, is it?
14:14Now, sit down and behave.
14:15If you want any dinner...
14:16Oh, dinner, yes, dinner. Dinner, yes, is paramount.
14:20Yes, billing and cooing can come later.
14:22I might even incorporate a bit of chest-thumping while I'm about it.
14:25Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
14:28LAUGHTER
14:30Really?
14:32There isn't any money in photography, is there?
14:35Money? Why do you keep on about money?
14:38Why does money matter?
14:39Oh, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all.
14:42Except when you want to buy things.
14:44Look, what about ambition, fame, recognition?
14:48Didn't do Tony Armstrong Jones any harm, did it?
14:51But you shouldn't be wasting your time.
14:53You could be anything.
14:54I am anything.
14:55Novelist, philosopher, photographer, antique dealer,
14:59tea boy, animal impersonator.
15:02No name a trade, I'm Jack of it.
15:04OK, then, if you're so clever, boil me some water for this.
15:08What?
15:09That's a challenge?
15:11So, boil some water...
15:14..without a recipe?
15:16LAUGHTER
15:19He does make me laugh a lot.
15:21That's one of the reasons I stay with him.
15:24One of many.
15:26Not many girls from ordinary backgrounds
15:28finish up in an environment quite so original.
15:36He's wonderful with me.
15:39Why is he so terrible with other people?
15:42I've never been so insulted in all my life.
15:45Oh, come now, you must have been.
15:46What kind of sheltered existence is that?
15:49He won't photograph me without glasses.
15:51Well, you're squinting, woman.
15:53You look like an overdressed question mark.
15:56Oh, it's me you'll get the blame for.
15:57Who the hell took that, they'll say?
15:59And news will travel. Don't go to Evans' photographic.
16:02He makes you look as if you need glasses.
16:04I don't need glasses.
16:05My eyes are perfectly straightforward.
16:08They might be to you, looking from back there,
16:10but to us out here, they are squinting.
16:15HE SNORTS
16:17How dare you?
16:19It's... It's not...
16:21Listen, I won't have that expression on any photograph of mine.
16:27But worse was to come.
16:29We were on our way to photograph some amateur ballroom dancers.
16:33That's him.
16:35Evans, the photographic.
16:37Oh, that's him.
16:40And that's her.
16:42Her, the ballroom dancer.
16:44Quiet girl she was when she was working for North Wales Holditch.
16:49It's the quiet ones that are deep.
16:51Then he comes along and off she goes and leaves home
16:55to live in black stockings.
16:59She claims she has her own apartment.
17:02Ah, the flower of Welsh gossip.
17:05Good day to you, ladies.
17:07Don't look. Don't look.
17:10He might be hypnotic.
17:12Hypnotic?
17:13Yes. He did Elvira Wilson's wedding
17:16and she said when he stared at a professional,
17:18she felt shivers going right up and down her trousseau.
17:25Where's the car? I asked Willie to bring the car.
17:28He'll be here any minute.
17:30Inconvenient. Make a note for me to dock his wages, will you?
17:34You don't pay him any wages.
17:36Oh, that's true, no.
17:38No wonder he's short at the end of the week.
17:41Come to think of it, he's pretty short at the beginning of the week too.
17:48Incredible, isn't it? Incredible.
17:51One of the photographic giants
17:54obliged to loiter unrecognised on his native pavement.
18:03You there.
18:07Let him off.
18:08Cycling person.
18:12Approach.
18:13Proceeding slowly, I was, isn't it?
18:15On my proper side of the road, exercising due care and attention.
18:20Cease this endless flow of complaint.
18:22Fate has tapped you on the shoulder, man.
18:25Selected you in passing. Nearly had me off too.
18:28To be of service to Plantagenet Evans,
18:30photographic genius, dealer in precious artefacts,
18:33agent for the Swedish Wonderwood burning stove.
18:36Here, get someone to read that to you.
18:39Now then, my fine fellow,
18:41how would you like to earn yourself a shilling?
18:44A shilling? A shilling?
18:48Exciting, isn't it? Money for a rope.
18:51Catches me going past, stops me in full pedal,
18:55nearly has me off, and why?
18:57To offer me a shilling.
18:59Yes, and it was not some reckless impulse, I can assure you.
19:02I like the cut of your jib, sir, wherever that is.
19:05A shilling.
19:06A shilling, I promised, and a shilling it shall be.
19:09You got 5p there.
19:14Hold this, will you?
19:15He's on the payroll now, let him hold it.
19:22What's old Rachel up to now?
19:24Accepting money from passing cyclists.
19:28Oh, I'm glad our ma'am's not here to see it.
19:33Where is your ma'am?
19:35She'll be under the dryer at the hairdressers.
19:38That is a blessing.
19:41All you have to do is ride round the first corner
19:44where you will find a small man in a big hat
19:46polishing an open car of classic antiquity.
19:49Just ask him to get his big hat round here a bit sharpish, will you?
19:52And while he's at it, bring the car as well.
19:54You can keep your shilling.
19:58Oh, you should have offered him more than a shilling.
20:01What for? Just riding round the first corner?
20:03On a bicycle he was using anyway.
20:07He feels insulted.
20:09Oh, well, if it's insults he wants, I can do better than that.
20:13Coming here with his dandruff and his back wheel wobble.
20:32Relax, Willie. Go and look at the pictures.
20:39He said it's not the material possessions.
20:42It's the emotional furniture we drag about with us.
20:45Is he still toying with extra-sensualism?
20:49He hasn't said.
20:51He just brings me his washing.
20:54And he looks so sad.
20:56Heavy on clothes, is he?
20:58No.
21:00He passes through his garments so lightly
21:03you'd think sometimes there'd be nobody there.
21:06Poor tormented creature.
21:10That's her who lives with him at the photographic.
21:13It's all right, she can, yeah.
21:16What? Him with the big hat?
21:19Oh.
21:23I have my own apartment.
21:25He's good, so I hear.
21:28I have a cousin who is very pleased with what he did for her.
21:39Wide-angle lens. She's got such a superabundance of skirt,
21:42I can't get her all in the frame.
21:44When are we going to get married?
21:46Well, not at the moment, love.
21:48I'm in the middle of a photographic assignment.
21:51People are looking.
21:53Oh, it's only Willie.
21:55It's not Willie. Strangers are whispering and looking at me.
21:58Well, of course they are.
22:00Were they green with envy, aren't they? Fairytale, isn't it?
22:03Where's the happy ending?
22:05The lens of the camera snatches you from that dark tower
22:08where you were imprisoned at the mercy of Mrs North Wales Road, Haulage Ltd.
22:12As an invoice clerk typist, I was hardly the man in the iron mask.
22:16Had some pretty stiff cardboard underwear, though, didn't it?
22:19She was always drafty in the transport office.
22:22Look, they're bound to talk, aren't they?
22:24Romantic story like that pointed you in the street, I wouldn't wonder.
22:27They do? Yes, there she goes.
22:29They say that's her... Welsh concubine?
22:32Oh, no.
22:34Chosen flower of Evans Photographic.
22:37I picked you, didn't I?
22:39I don't mind being your flower.
22:41I don't mind being picked.
22:43I just wish you'd put me in some sort of permanent vase.
22:46Oh.
22:48Do you want us in here? Oh, yes.
22:51Just a moment, Mr Evans.
22:56Just a turn, love.
23:03No, not that kind of turn.
23:05Just turn round so you can get through the door.
23:08Is the photographer watching?
23:10He's not watching at the moment.
23:12He may not be watching you, Cariad, but he's watching me, right?
23:17That's good, that's good.
23:19Oh, that's good. Lovely, lovely.
23:21Lovely.
23:23Champions, Denzil and Dorinda.
23:26Oh, there's a picture.
23:28You know not with this background,
23:30no terrible dull surroundings of a church hall,
23:33I can't function artistically here.
23:35Smell of boiled leeks still lingering from basic cookery.
23:39Faint traces of soiled oriental garments
23:42under pressure from last Tuesday's karate class.
23:45No, no, no, no. Follow me.
23:47I shall find a more striking background
23:49to photograph these champions in.
23:51Bring the equipment, will you?
23:53Willy, come on up.
23:56Yes.
24:14Ooh, it's an open car.
24:16Brings a touch of colour to the cheeks.
24:19Very flattering, photographically.
24:21In the front, Rachel.
24:26It won't open. You'll have to climb over.
24:31What we need, you see, is something dramatic in the background,
24:35something in stark contrast to the glitter of ballroom dancing.
24:39Ideally, some dark, forbidding place
24:42where only the most adventurous would dare to set foot.
24:46Oh.
24:48LAUGHTER
24:50Oh.
24:58The man in the seat would be amazed
25:00how complex life is under a ballroom dancer.
25:08Oh, my hair.
25:10I never doubted it, madam.
25:13You know, Mr Evans,
25:15when people ask us what makes a championship pair,
25:18we make no bones about our secret.
25:21Perfect harmony.
25:23On the dance floor and off.
25:25Never a crossword.
25:27Perfect teamwork.
25:29Move and think like one, we two.
25:32Always have.
25:34And canny, really.
25:38Famous we are for the smoothness of our relationship.
25:43I hope it lasts.
25:45Sounds implausible to me.
25:47I mean, two gifted people, one's bound to be a wally.
25:50Here we go.
25:52Not some little niggle imperfectly suppressed?
25:55No.
25:57Totally compatible we are.
26:00I mean, it's one thing to look beautiful in sequins,
26:03but what's he like in the dull apparel of every day?
26:06Oh, I always see him in sequins.
26:09Ah, one of you is bound to be
26:12just that fraction bit better than the other.
26:14So close, it hardly shows.
26:17What hardly shows?
26:19Never puts a foot wrong with it.
26:21Well, hardly ever.
26:23Hardly ever?
26:25When did I put a foot wrong?
26:27Don't worry now, love. Nobody noticed.
26:33Willie, come out from under that hat and keep your eye on the road.
26:37He can't help it if the road's bumpy.
26:39He can help it a bit better if he didn't skulk about under that cap.
26:43He's very proud of his chauffeur's cap.
26:46Does he have to use it to keep his teeth warm?
27:09Oh, forget it now, will you? I have.
27:11Sounds like it.
27:13Oh, yes. There's dramatic. See? Catch the eye.
27:18Mind the eye? Have you caught the feet?
27:22Hey!
27:38Pay no heed, madam, to the jovial workmen.
27:41We will move to a location equally dramatic
27:44but mercifully free from the ponderous irony of the proletariat.
27:47Follow me, will you?
27:50Bring my case and drape, would love.
28:06I want to know when did I put a foot wrong?
28:08Oh, shut up, then, will you? You're always putting your foot wrong.
28:13Look at my hair! Look at it! It's hanging!
28:17Oh!
28:25She's moved.
28:27Where is she?
28:37Daddy!
28:41James.
28:47Oh, dear.
28:49One of the dancers is in hospital.
28:51What?
28:53Suspected fracture of the ribs and extensive bruising.
28:56Extensive bruising? Where?
28:58In the private part of the hospital.
29:04You ought to go and see them.
29:06After all, all they've got is their bodies.
29:08Yes, that's right.
29:10I'll go and see them.
29:12I'll go and see them.
29:14After all, all they've got is their bodies.
29:16Yes, that's true, true.
29:18Not like you, is it?
29:20You've got your legs as well, haven't you?
29:23Do you mind me tangling with this fiery Latin beauty from Tonopandy?
29:27Oh, it's not her. It's him.
29:29Him? But it was her who fell off the bridge.
29:32I know, and it was her who belted him so hard
29:35that he ended up in hospital.
29:37Oh!
29:39Perhaps I'll go tomorrow.
29:41Shall I get some grapes?
29:43Grapes? No, no.
29:45For a man whose bruising is as extensive as his,
29:47I think grapes might be a little tactless.
29:50No, I'll get something better than that.
29:52I'll take him a big, glossy, ten-by-eight photograph of her
29:55whereabouts as she went over the bridge.
30:11Mmm!
30:41Mmm!