Frasier Season 7 Episode 9 The Apparent Trap
Frasier Season 7 Episode 9 The Apparent Trap
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00:00Hey, morning, Fred. Hi, Ross. Well, Ross, is maybe Alice dressed as a little Cherokee, or am I just very, very hungry?
00:10We're flying home for Thanksgiving right after the show.
00:14I thought I'd make Alice look as cute as possible, so if she cries on the plane, the other passengers can't get mad.
00:20Actually, what I'd like to do is keep her awake so she'll sleep on the plane.
00:23You should just do what I used to do. I used to tell the passengers that if Frederick cried, I'd buy them all a drink.
00:29And that worked? Oh, yes. In fact, one time I woke from a short nap and the fellow sitting behind us was flicking the back of Frederick's little ear.
00:38Of course, I was cheating and the man did not get his drink.
00:42So when is Frederick coming anyway?
00:44Oh, well, Lilith's dropping him off around noon, then she's off to visit a colleague for Thanksgiving in Vancouver.
00:50You know, come to think of it, do they even celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada?
00:55They will when she leaves.
01:10Hi, Dad. Frederick. Hi.
01:13Hello, Frasier. Hello. Oh, gosh, you know, I was starting to get worried about you. You're an hour late.
01:19We saw a big accident on the freeway. Mom saved this guy's life. Really?
01:23Well, that's going a bit far. I simply applied a tourniquet.
01:26She's a hero. Yes, that's your mother all right, son.
01:30And then the paramedics came and wanted to give Mom a transfusion.
01:36Yes, that's your mother all right, son.
01:39If you don't mind, I'd like to use the phone and call my colleague and tell him I'll be late.
01:44Yes, of course. Who is this colleague, anyway?
01:47He's the man who supplies me with lab rats. It's about time we got together socially.
01:52I've known him for over 52 generations.
01:57Well, if the drumsticks are about this big, you'll know why.
02:01Good one, Dad. Thank you, son.
02:04Hello, Peter. It's Lilith. Listen, I'm running about an hour late, so I...
02:10Oh. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
02:13Well, take care of yourself. Okay, goodbye.
02:18What's happened?
02:19Peter's come down with something. He thinks he caught it from the rats.
02:24Oh, now, nobody ever got anything from a rat that wasn't resolved in a day or two. Off you go.
02:31Hey, Mom, won't you spend Thanksgiving with us?
02:34Yes, that's a very good one, Frederick. Now, go kiss your mother goodbye and unpack, all right?
02:44Would it be that unbearable for me to be here for one meal?
02:48As soon as we're done, I'll go check into a hotel.
02:51I can spend the weekend working on an article I've been writing.
02:54Well, you know Niles is coming this afternoon, and it would be very uncomfortable, I think.
02:59You know, you two haven't seen each other since your little tryst.
03:02Oh, please. Niles and I are adults.
03:07I suppose you're right. It would mean a lot to Frederick.
03:11After all, Thanksgiving is a time to celebrate family.
03:18Is the witch gone yet?
03:26Little is still here, Dad.
03:29Oh, in that case, I'll ask you, too.
03:33Well, look, has my twitch gone yet?
03:37I had some very strong coffee this morning.
03:39Skillfully done, Martin.
03:44Grandpa!
03:45Oh, Freddie! How you doing?
03:50So, Dad, is Mom staying for dinner?
03:52Yes, Frederick, I am.
03:55Isn't that great, Grandpa?
03:57Great, Freddie. Real great.
04:02Isn't that great, Freddie?
04:06Are you okay, Grandpa?
04:08He's worried about his twitch.
04:13Come on, Eddie, come on!
04:15What's the matter?
04:17He was perfectly fine until about a block from here.
04:20Then he started whining and trembling.
04:26It's like he senses an earthquake or a dark force or, hello, Lily, the vortex of evil.
04:32Here, here, let me have him.
04:34Come on, I'll take him.
04:36Yeah, it's okay. Come on, boy.
04:38That's all right, don't worry.
04:40I'm gonna be scared now.
04:43I'll help with the groceries.
04:45Hey, Freddie! Thank you.
04:48Well, let's see how the turkey's coming.
04:51Yes, Daphne's preparing dinner.
04:53Oh, should we tell her there's an extra person?
04:56No need.
05:02Hello, Frasier.
05:05Hello, Lilith.
05:06Hello, Niles.
05:07Lovely to see you again.
05:09Nice to see you, too.
05:11I trust your flight was uneventful?
05:13Well, up, down, bumpy over the mountains.
05:15Isn't that always the way?
05:19Lilith!
05:20Yes?
05:21Isn't that always the way?
05:25Lilith is joining us for dinner, Niles.
05:27What a nice surprise.
05:28It certainly is nice for me.
05:29Well, not as nice as it is for me.
05:31Oh, stop it, both of you!
05:36I refuse to spend the day messing with this stilted chatter.
05:39Well, how would you have us behave?
05:41Well, why don't you try going back to your former relationship?
05:44All we did was insult each other.
05:46Yes!
05:47You're willing to throw that away because of one ill-considered night of passion?
05:52It happened.
05:53Take from it what you can learn and move on.
05:58Well...
06:00I learned if you kiss her too fast, you get an ice cream headache.
06:04Oh.
06:16You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength,
06:20so shut your pie hole.
06:24Was that so hard?
06:29Wait, wait, wait! What are you doing?
06:32I'm mashing the potatoes.
06:33By hand? You're supposed to whip potatoes.
06:36That way, every bite tastes the same.
06:38Well, isn't that a bit blunt?
06:40Hello! Welcome to Potatoes!
06:47Could you just once cook a traditional Thanksgiving meal?
06:51I mean, look at this cranberry sauce.
06:54It's supposed to keep the shape of the can.
06:58Quiver a little bit.
07:00What are all these little chunks in there?
07:02Those are cranberries.
07:04Dad, here you are. One frozen pumpkin pie, unrequested.
07:08Honestly, wouldn't you rather I just bake a pie from scratch?
07:11Is it that you can't learn or you won't learn?
07:18I'm done setting the table.
07:20Oh, you did set the table. It looks very nice, very elegant, Frederick.
07:23Oh, yes, Freddie's been quite the little helper.
07:26Every time I bend over to check the turkey, there he is.
07:33So, Lilith, tell me about this article you wrote.
07:36It's about me.
07:38Essentially, yes.
07:40I was talking to a friend who works at the New York Times magazine
07:44about raising a child after divorce,
07:46and she pointed out that as a psychiatrist, I might have a unique perspective.
07:50You know, since it's about me,
07:54shouldn't I get something for it?
07:57You're not getting a minibike.
07:59But, Mom...
08:00We have talked about this. You can get one when you're 15.
08:03But all my friends have minibikes.
08:05Yes, and if all of your friends decided to enter a level 4 biohazard area
08:10without their environmental containment suits, would you do that, too?
08:14This is different.
08:16No, it's not.
08:18Dad!
08:20Sorry, Frederick, I'm with your mother on this one.
08:22Dinner's almost ready.
08:24Excuse me.
08:31You know what I think, Dad?
08:33You and Mom should write this article together.
08:36Well, I'm sure your mother can write it without my help.
08:39But it was her idea.
08:41She told me on the plane how much easier it would be.
08:44I just don't think she knows how to ask you.
08:48It is an intriguing idea.
08:50Frasier, I could use some help out here.
08:53He's picking the raisins out of the stove.
08:57Bye.
08:59Coming, Dad.
09:05You know, I think you and Dad should write this article together.
09:09Together?
09:11Well, I think the last thing your father wants is to collaborate with me.
09:15It was his idea.
09:17He just told me how much fun it would be.
09:20Well, it's an interesting notion.
09:23Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Craig.
09:26Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school.
09:31In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.
09:38Did you wash your hands, Frederick?
09:40Yeah, Uncle Niles even showed me how to open the door with my elbows,
09:44so I don't need to touch the handle.
09:47What are uncles for?
09:50Daphne, is your fiancé joining us?
09:52No, I'll be seeing him later.
09:54Donny has his own Thanksgiving tradition.
09:57He has a dinner for all the divorced men he's represented during the year.
10:00He's hosting 25 today.
10:03Wow, 25 lonely, bitter men.
10:06It's been a good year.
10:12Uncle Niles, Mom's writing an article about me.
10:15Really?
10:17It's about raising a child after divorce.
10:20Yes, sounds fascinating, doesn't it?
10:22It's a subject that's very near and dear to my own heart.
10:25Are you suggesting we collaborate?
10:28Well, if you think I might be helpful.
10:31What a great idea. You can write it together.
10:34Are you willing?
10:36Oh, we certainly did well on our first collaboration.
10:39You know, Lilith, we could probably get most of it done in the time you're still here in town.
10:43And if she stayed here, you couldn't finish the whole thing.
10:46Well, I guess it would be all right by me.
10:49Daphne, would that be too much of an imposition?
10:52Not at all. I'll be spending the weekend with Donny.
10:55And where is your father with that gravy?
10:58Well, then I'll stay here.
11:01Although, maybe we should run this by your father.
11:10No need.
11:17Yes.
11:19I think we should have something about non-custodial parents and discipline.
11:23Exactly.
11:25The weekend father need not be a weakened father.
11:29Frazier, you still have a direct line to my funny bone.
11:37Thank goodness the line wasn't busy.
11:40Hey, Frederick, I'm leaving. I just...
11:43What you doing?
11:45I'm saving the universe. You wanna help?
11:48I wouldn't know where to begin.
11:51It's easy. I'll show you.
11:53All right. What do I do?
11:55I'm gonna do it.
11:57I'm gonna do it.
11:59I'm gonna do it.
12:01I'm gonna do it.
12:03I'm gonna do it.
12:05I'm gonna do it.
12:07It's easy. I'll show you.
12:09All right. What do I do?
12:11That's your guy.
12:13You've just escaped from an intergalactic maximum security prison pod.
12:17Like they could hold me.
12:20Now, once you leave this chamber, you can go left or right, and different things will happen to you.
12:26Okay.
12:30What happened?
12:32Wow. I never saw the guy trip and fall before.
12:38Try it again. You have two lives left.
12:41Oh.
12:45I can't seem to get out of this room. Is this some sort of advanced level?
12:50No. This is like the training area.
12:54I didn't even know you could die here.
13:03I have to get out of this room.
13:06The reset button's on the right. You want something to drink?
13:09Quiet.
13:12Hi, Dad.
13:14Oh, hi, son.
13:16How's the writing?
13:18Well, it's coming along nicely, thanks.
13:20Oh. Mom wants to know if you bring out a little wine.
13:24Oh, all right.
13:26You know, it's great to see you and Mom working together.
13:30I think she kind of misses you.
13:32Really?
13:33Yeah. She talks about you all the time.
13:36You know how wonderful you are, and how she's never met another man like you.
13:42You go take that out to her. I'll finish up in here.
13:46Thank you, son.
13:53There you are.
13:55Oh. Oh, thank you.
13:59I've been rearranging this outline. Why don't you take a look?
14:03Looks fine.
14:05Frazier, you can't see it from there. Sit down.
14:12You know, I'm really enjoying this collaboration.
14:15Me, too.
14:17Is it me, or is it getting warm?
14:22It is a little warm.
14:24All right. I'm coming.
14:27I'm coming.
14:29You know, Dad, let me walk you out.
14:32Okay.
14:33There's something I want to discuss with you.
14:36You know, I've never seen him so eager to take a walk. I wonder what...
14:41Oh, right.
14:47Hey, Mom. How's the article going?
14:50Very well, thank you.
14:51You know, I've never seen Dad this happy.
14:54Oh? What do you mean?
14:56Well, all he does is talk about you.
15:00How pretty you look, and how smart you are.
15:06And how much he misses you.
15:11What makes you think she's coming on to you?
15:14Well, actually, Frederick told me.
15:17But you know, it actually makes sense.
15:19I mean, this colleague of hers gets mysteriously ill,
15:22and then she lassoes me into writing this article with her.
15:25Then all of a sudden, before I know it, the bonnet's off.
15:27She's waggling a bare shoulder at me.
15:29Oh, please. Some of us just had a big meal.
15:35It's not your turn yet. I still have two more lives.
15:39It's Lilith.
15:45I need to talk to you.
15:47Does the door have to be closed?
15:49I think it's best. It's of a personal nature.
15:53What's this about?
15:55Well, it's about an attraction that I thought was over,
15:59and now I'm beginning to think maybe it's not.
16:03Usually in my dreams, this is where I try to run and can't.
16:09This isn't about you, you egomaniac.
16:13This is about Frasier.
16:15I think he wants us together again.
16:18He knows how I feel about you.
16:20Not us! Me and Frasier!
16:24Is there a chair here I could talk to?
16:32Well, what makes you think he wants you to get back together?
16:35Well, first, he offers to collaborate on this article.
16:40Now he's plying me with wine.
16:42At this very moment, I suspect he's asking your father to clear out for the night.
16:47So he took a professional interest in your article,
16:50and he offered you some wine on Thanksgiving.
16:53Now who's the egomaniac?
16:57Perhaps I am overreacting.
17:00I'll just have to keep my eyes peeled for more conclusive evidence.
17:05I didn't know there was a door there.
17:09Then again, maybe I've just made this whole thing up in my head.
17:13Tell you what, Dad.
17:15Take a minute, and then come back in.
17:18See what you think's going on in there,
17:20and then find some subtle way to tell me what you think.
17:23All right, okay. Just give me a minute.
17:39Oh.
18:00Fraser.
18:01Lilith.
18:04Well, isn't this nice?
18:07Yes.
18:08It's very nice.
18:11Oh, uh, excuse me again.
18:13I just came back to get an umbrella in case it rains.
18:16But I hope it doesn't,
18:18because Eddie's just dying to play this new game I taught him.
18:21I take off his leash, and I say,
18:23Run for your life!
18:26That's exactly what I say.
18:28Run for your life!
18:31Thank you, Dad.
18:32Okay.
18:33Run for your life!
18:37Fraser, we have to talk.
18:39Yes, Lilith, we do.
18:41I mean, I can't just sit here all night
18:43waiting for you to make your move.
18:47Well, you've just got this all worked out, haven't you?
18:50Well, let's see.
18:51Candlelight, wine, soft music.
18:54What else do I need?
18:56I don't know what's worse,
18:58that you want me back
18:59or that you think I can be won so easily.
19:01Wait.
19:02You think I'm responsible for this?
19:04You assume you can just snap your fingers
19:06and tell Fraser it'll come a-runnin'?
19:08Well, I'm sorry it doesn't work that way, sister.
19:10First of all, I have to be finessed.
19:16I didn't do any of this.
19:18And if you didn't either,
19:19then someone is setting us up.
19:23But who?
19:27Frederick.
19:30He told me that you've been pining for me.
19:33He just told me the same about you.
19:37Good Lord.
19:40Here we are writing an article
19:41on taking your child through a divorce,
19:44and our own son is nursing the hopeless fantasy
19:47that we'll get back together.
19:49We've got to go talk with him.
19:51Now, wait a minute.
19:52Something is not right here.
19:54When has Frederick ever expressed
19:56the slightest desire to see us together?
20:00He could have been sublimating it for years.
20:02Yeah, even so, he lied to both of us.
20:05He had to have known that we'd compare notes.
20:08All right, so his plan was a little artless.
20:11Unless that's exactly what he wanted.
20:15What do you mean?
20:16Think about it.
20:17He makes us believe that he wants us together.
20:20Of course, we have to tell him
20:21that that's not going to happen.
20:23His hopes are dashed,
20:24and we feel so guilty that we compensate
20:27by getting him something he wants.
20:30A minibike?
20:32That's a very clever little boy we have.
20:36God, could he actually be so devious?
20:38Oh, well, if he wants something badly enough,
20:41he will figure out a way to get it.
20:43Remember when he was a baby,
20:45the bottle at the end of the maze?
20:55You know, I kind of regret doing that.
21:00Frederick!
21:01What are you going to do, just come out and ask him?
21:03No, of course not. He'll only deny it.
21:05What then?
21:06Just go with me on this.
21:07All right.
21:08Frederick, have a seat. We need to talk to you.
21:12What about?
21:14We know that you've been trying to maneuver us together,
21:17and it's only natural for a child of divorce to want that.
21:22Generally speaking, your plan would be fruitless,
21:25but when your father and I let down our guard
21:29and looked at each other in the candlelight,
21:31we realized that we belong together.
21:34In other words, we're getting remarried.
21:42Do you really mean it?
21:48This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
21:51I'm going to go tell Uncle Niles.
21:56Have you lost your mind?
21:58He's cooler than I thought.
22:00Cooler?
22:01This isn't a game of poker.
22:05This is our son being lied to by his parents.
22:08We've got to go in there, tell him the truth,
22:10and make it up to him, even if it takes a fleet of minibikes.
22:13No, Frederick, no.
22:15See, we called his bluff, now he's calling ours.
22:19The question is, what's our next move?
22:22Oh, I know, why don't we just consult this handy little guide for divorced parents?
22:29We can't blink first. We've got to up the ante.
22:32Good idea, Lilith. You know what?
22:34Let's go in there and promise him the baby brother he'll never have.
22:46What's this joyous news I hear?
22:51You know, Frederick, you're going to have to give up all of your friends
22:56because we're going to live here in Seattle.
22:59I'd live anywhere to be a family again.
23:03So it is true. Congratulations to you both. Goodnight.
23:10Don't you want your coat, Uncle Niles?
23:12No, thank you.
23:15I'm going to go call my friends.
23:20I love you.
23:23I don't understand. I was so sure.
23:26Oh, gee, don't be so tough on yourself, Lilith.
23:29After all, what parent doesn't at one time or another
23:33completely obliterate their child's chances of ever trusting another human being?
23:42Oh, well, there he is.
23:46Telling his friends that all his dreams have come true.
23:52Unless that's what he wants us to think.
23:55When will you stop?
23:58It worked.
23:59All I did was tap into my parents' feelings of inadequacy and they crumbled.
24:04What does that mean?
24:06I'm getting a minibike.
24:10Frederick?
24:12Uh-oh.
24:17Do I know my son or do I know my son?
24:22He was willing to put us through absolute hell just for a minibike?
24:26You know what this means, don't you?
24:28Yes, he's normal. We're not bad parents.
24:31Well done, Dr. Sternen.
24:33Well done, Dr. Crane.
24:39Well, we really should get in there.
24:42Yes, I suppose we should.
24:45Must be sheer torment for him, waiting for the axe to fall.
24:49Absolute hell.
24:50Absolute nightmare.
24:54Wine?
24:55Love song.
25:04Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
25:07Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:10Oh, my.
25:12And maybe I seem a bit confused.
25:15Well, maybe.
25:17But I got you pegged.
25:20But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
25:28They're calling again.
25:31Frazier has left the building.