Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S06 Е02 - Danger UXD
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00:00Now, this machine is gonna change our lives.
00:06Good.
00:07Yes, it's top of the range, this high tech.
00:09Yeah, you can see that by all them lights.
00:11Yeah, yeah.
00:12I don't know how we've managed so long without one.
00:14Nor do I.
00:15What is it?
00:17What is it? It's a video tape recorder, isn't it?
00:20It's got a little computer in it and everything.
00:22When you go on your holidays, this thing will record all your programs for you.
00:25Amazing.
00:26Yeah, nothing but the best.
00:29How does it know you're on holiday?
00:34You send it a postcard, don't you?
00:36You program its little computer, don't you, you daft old...
00:39Oh, come on, what's the matter with you?
00:41No luck, eh?
00:42No, it's all right, I'll get the hang of it.
00:44It's just, you know, when it comes to technological things, normally I'm a natural,
00:47I've just got to get used to all its functions and its modes.
00:50I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it.
00:54Yes, yes, that's right, yes.
00:56Rodney!
00:58Take a leg, it's gone six o'clock.
01:00Yes, all right, keep the noise down, will you?
01:03God blimey, look at the state of that.
01:05I've seen blokes call out of potholes looking smarter than that.
01:08You brought him back last night, son, out with that little bird of yours.
01:11What's her name, Cassandra?
01:13That's right.
01:14Cassandra and I went to a concert at the Royal Albert Hall.
01:17Yeah?
01:18That takes me back.
01:20I used to go up there whenever I was on home leave.
01:22I saw some of the best there, Rodney.
01:24Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:26You ever heard of John Barber Ollie?
01:28Yeah, of course I have.
01:29So John was one of the greats?
01:31Yeah, Barber and Ollie were pretty good and all.
01:34I saw them all, Rodney.
01:35Adrian Bolt, Sir Malcolm Sargent.
01:38Wonderful times.
01:40Who'd you see?
01:41Eric Clapton.
01:43Eric Clapton?
01:44He's a new one on me, yeah.
01:46Yeah, Del Boy's got a new video recorder.
01:48Oh, yeah.
01:50Yeah, there was a very interesting article in the paper the other day.
01:53Did you know that Taiwan is the only country in the world that don't have any rubbish dumps?
01:57They just send it all to him.
02:00Oi, oi, oi, that's enough of that.
02:01This is none of your Taiwan junk.
02:03This was made in Formosa.
02:08But Formosa is...
02:09Albert, please, don't confuse the issue.
02:12Is, is what?
02:13He's one of the world's leading manufacturers of audiovisual equipment.
02:18And video recorders.
02:21And video recorders.
02:23Do you want some breakfast, Del?
02:25No, thanks, Albert. Breakfast is for wimps.
02:27Rodney?
02:28Yeah, I'm starving.
02:32Well, you know where I was last night whilst you was up at the Albert Hall?
02:36You know, head-banging and all that?
02:37I was having a drink with the managing director of the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre.
02:42Didn't that used to be Ron's cash and carry?
02:44Yeah, yeah, that's right, but he changed the name.
02:46Yeah, no, that bloke has come on a bundle in the last few years.
02:49That man is at the front of new technological frontiers.
02:52He's got a Queen's Award for Industry plaque and all.
02:55Yeah, I know. I was there when you sold it to him.
02:58Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, exactly.
03:00I mean, well, you and I, I mean, we both know it's a schneid one, don't we?
03:02But the hunters don't. They're impressed by the image.
03:04And that's what modern business is all about today, Rodney.
03:06It's about image.
03:08You see, the right appearance can fool the customer, right?
03:11Now, take me, for instance. I am a perfect example.
03:16But you look exactly what you are.
03:19Oh, thank you very much.
03:21It's only because I've got the right image.
03:23No, I mean, it is. I mean, it's the little things.
03:25You know, it's like me aluminium briefcase there,
03:27me Mercedes keyring, me file of facts.
03:29When people see these things, they know exactly what I am.
03:32It is a bit of a giveaway, isn't it?
03:35Better than a mason's handshape, bruv.
03:37You take me jewellery, you see.
03:39Now, a half-sovereign ring can say an awful lot about a bloke.
03:42Combined with a medallion, it speaks volumes.
03:45See, now we're talking the same language, aren't we, eh? See?
03:48That's what it... Ah, Albert, just a minute. You stay there. Just stand there.
03:51Now, Rodney, as you see him standing there,
03:54what is the first thing that comes to your mind?
03:56Why have I got bloody cornflakes again?
04:00It's because I can't get any food in that fridge.
04:03It's full up with tomatoes he bought last week.
04:05Yes, all right, all right. I'm going to get rid of them today, aren't I?
04:07No, I'm talking about image-wise, aren't I? Listen, come here a minute, look.
04:10You see, when I see him standing there, what this says to me,
04:12this says, here is a man who's worked hard all his life for an honest crust.
04:16Here is a man of strong principles.
04:18Here is a man you can trust.
04:21You see what I'm saying?
04:23You see how easy it is to fool people, eh?
04:26All you've got to do is have the right image.
04:28Are you saying I've got to get an image?
04:30No, what I'm saying is you've got to get rid of one.
04:32You see, you take a look at me.
04:33You see, I wear a trendy trench coat, Gordon gecko braces.
04:37You wear a lumberjacks coat and Gordon Bennett boots.
04:40My image says I'm going right to the top, flat out.
04:43Your image says I'm going back to bed because I'm shagged out.
04:46You've got to learn to be dynamic, Rodney.
04:48You must be dynamic, you see.
04:51Yes, all right.
04:53I was a bit dynamic last night over Ron's cash...
04:55over the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre.
04:58I was where the big business opportunities occur.
05:01And I was in a position to snap them up.
05:03And what exactly did you snap up?
05:05A video recorder.
05:07Financial Times Index must have gone through the roof.
05:11No, I didn't just buy one of them, did I?
05:14I bought 50 of them. The rest of them are in the garage.
05:16Guess how much I paid? Only 50 quid each.
05:19But that's 2½ gram. Where do you get 2½ gram from?
05:22I didn't know. I got them on the knock.
05:23You know, buy now, pay later.
05:24When I sell them, Ronnie will get his money.
05:2650 quid each?
05:27Oh, I've got to be hooky.
05:29They are not hooky.
05:31Now, the reason why they're so cheap is because...
05:33they come from a consignment where the manufacturers...
05:36put in the wrong operating instructions.
05:38Oh, great.
05:41So how are you going to operate a video recorder...
05:44with the instructions for a sandwich toaster?
05:47I'm not, you are.
05:49Well, you're the one who's taken a diploma course...
05:51in computer science. Again.
05:53Yes, that's right.
05:54So programming a silly little thing like that...
05:56ought to be a doddle for someone of your talents.
05:59Yes, all right, I'll do it for you.
06:01Good boy, good boy. You know it makes sense.
06:04Listen, I want you to record a programme for me on ITV...
06:06called City News.
06:07It's all about mega-powered business, Wall Street,
06:09big bangs and all that.
06:11Are you on it?
06:15You know, I think a surgical collar will suit you.
06:18Talking about suits, I want you to wear yours today.
06:20I want you to look really snappy for the punters, you know, with it.
06:23We've got a high-profile image.
06:25The only thing we've got that's high is his flat.
06:27Very funny, very funny.
06:29Hey, listen, I'm going to make a very important private phone call.
06:31I want you two to take them tomatoes down there...
06:33and put them in the van, all right?
06:35Oh, by the way, don't forget the rest, all right?
06:39All right.
06:47There you go, Denzel.
06:49There's your stew. That's a pound.
06:51Cheers. I'll get you on the way back.
06:53All right.
06:54Berth, bourguignon.
06:58That's £2.50, sir.
07:00Oh!
07:01That's super!
07:03Bon appétit.
07:06So, how's life treating you then, Denz?
07:08The same as Paxo treats a turkey.
07:11As bad as that, eh?
07:13Well, whatever happened to good news, eh?
07:15Has it been privatised or what?
07:16Yeah, I heard you've started your own orange company,
07:18Transworld Express.
07:19Any time, any load, anywhere.
07:21That's right.
07:22But I've only got a transit.
07:24A transit?
07:25So why all the big worldwide slogans?
07:27Well, I wanted to call it the Peckham Courier Service.
07:30Parcels, small boxes, that sort of thing.
07:33I bumped into Del.
07:35Oh.
07:36Don't tell me.
07:38Image, yeah?
07:39Yes.
07:40He said there is no place in the modern business world
07:42for small thinkers.
07:43You have got to be big, brave and brazen, he said.
07:45Why do you listen to him?
07:47Well, I keep telling myself I shouldn't take no notice of him,
07:49but Del insists.
07:51Is he still drinking here, by the way?
07:53Yeah, occasionally.
07:54But since the yuppies gentrified Peckham,
07:56he's been hanging around the wine bars and bistros.
07:58Of course, one by one, they're barring him.
08:01Well, they're bound to, aren't they?
08:02See them over there?
08:03They only come in here to avoid him.
08:05I saw Rodney this morning.
08:07He was wearing a suit.
08:08Someone must have died.
08:10There ain't much good news around, is there, Denzil?
08:13Denzil, my old mate!
08:16I was just off, Del.
08:18No, not until I've bought you a drink, you're not.
08:19Here, pina colada for me, please, Michael.
08:21Same again for Denzil.
08:22Here, I've told you before,
08:23you ought to clean your pipes out or it's terrible.
08:25Listen, Michael, listen to me.
08:27I've just come back from Folkestone.
08:29I've got 25 six-kilo boxes of fresh Jersey tomatoes
08:33straight off the ferry.
08:34Still got the dew on them.
08:35£2.50 a box.
08:36What do you say?
08:37Do your salads up a treat.
08:38What?
08:39£2.50 a box?
08:40Yep.
08:41Go on, then, Del.
08:42I'll have one.
08:43Good.
08:44I'll put three boxes aside for you.
08:45Rodney's on his way down with them.
08:46Come on in, Denzil.
08:47Come on.
08:48Come and sit down over there.
08:49Tell me what you've been up to, all right?
08:50Ah, Chloe, Adrian.
08:51How nice to see you again.
08:52Oh, God.
08:53It's him.
08:54Hello.
08:55Hello.
08:56Hello.
08:57Hello.
08:58Hello.
08:59They're my sort of people.
09:02What, you mean the Bistro kids?
09:04Oh, yeah.
09:05I was in the wine bar the other night with Adrian
09:07and we were debating the Trust House 40 Cunard merger.
09:10Yeah.
09:11Oh, yeah, that's the sort of thing I like these days,
09:13you know, Denzil,
09:14the cut-and-frust, to-and-fro of an honest, well-honed argument.
09:18I regret it now, but I ended up clumping him.
09:21Still, it's all over.
09:22We're still friends, aren't we?
09:24Perrier water under the bridge, eh?
09:26Yeah.
09:27Oh, here he comes.
09:28How are you?
09:29Thank you, Michael.
09:30Cheers.
09:39Just look at me.
09:41I'm supposed to be going out in this tonight.
09:44You've ruined it, haven't you?
09:46This is your fault.
09:48It's all so I could present an image.
09:50Well, I am presenting an image.
09:52I'm presenting the image of someone who's covering tomato stains.
09:55That'll come off.
09:56Mike, give him something to mop that up with, will you?
09:59How about a slice of bread?
10:04I need him, don't I?
10:05I bloody need him.
10:07That was a nice suit this morning, Rodney.
10:09Yeah, I know it was.
10:10God knows I'm going to get it clean for tonight.
10:12I'll probably have to cancel my date with Cassandra
10:14and that'll ruin my evening.
10:16And she might meet a geezer who isn't covered in tomato juice
10:18and that'll ruin my life and it's all your fault.
10:20Oh, shut up and sit down, you big old brass.
10:23Tell Rodney about your luck. That should cheer him up.
10:25What's that? No luck, me old mate?
10:27Oh, no, Del, lots of luck.
10:28All bad.
10:29Last Friday was mine and Corinne's anniversary.
10:32Oh, my God.
10:34No, Del, that's not the bad luck.
10:37See, a while back I got this contract
10:39with this plastics factory over deck
10:41where they make garden furniture,
10:43camping equipment, toys, the lot.
10:45Oh, yeah?
10:46Yeah.
10:47Well, go on, carry on, yeah.
10:49Yeah, well, Friday afternoon I got this urgent call
10:52from the factory to go to a shop in High Wycombe
10:54and pick up 50 dolls.
10:56They were being returned, faulty stock.
10:58But it's my anniversary, isn't it?
11:00And I promised to take Corinne out for the evening.
11:02By the time I have got through all the rush hour traffic,
11:04it's half past six and I've still got the dolls on board.
11:07So what do I do?
11:09Take them back to the factory like I'm supposed to
11:11and let Corinne down?
11:12Or leave them on the truck until Monday
11:14and hope no-one twigs?
11:15Oh, well, it's obvious, isn't it?
11:18You let Corinne down.
11:21No.
11:23How can a return of faulty dolls be urgent?
11:25I'd have left them on my truck till Monday.
11:27That's exactly what I did.
11:29And what happens?
11:30The factory went up in flames.
11:32Exploded by all accounts.
11:34Normally I can carry on working for them
11:36because they've got other depots,
11:37but tomorrow morning I have got to hand in
11:39this unsigned docket,
11:40which proves I collected the dolls,
11:42but also proves that I didn't deliver them.
11:44When the governors find out,
11:46they're either going to think that I have become unreliable
11:48or, worse still, that I am on the thief.
11:51That's a problem, isn't it, Denzel?
11:53Yeah.
11:54It's no problem.
11:56Are you two going to be plonkers for the rest of your lives?
12:00This is no problem at all.
12:02This is a gift from the gods.
12:07Give us this here now.
12:09What are you doing, Dad?
12:10I'm getting you out of stock and into the money.
12:13All right?
12:14All right, now listen.
12:15I've signed that docket, right?
12:17I've put on Friday's date.
12:19Now, they never bother to check these things.
12:21Now, as far as anyone's concerned,
12:23all them dolls went up in flames
12:25with the rest of the factory.
12:27Them dolls on the back of your truck
12:29no longer exist.
12:31This means that the owners will get more insurance money,
12:35you get an empty truck,
12:36plus a hundred nick of bunts,
12:38me and the tomato kid here,
12:40we get...
12:41we get $50 to flog down the market,
12:43and the great British public
12:44have another bargain of a lifetime.
12:46Everyone's a winner.
12:47Petit de journée.
12:49All right?
12:51I'll now go and empty your van onto ours, Denzil.
12:54Thank you very much.
12:55See you later.
12:56Ciao, Chloe, Adrian, T.T., F.M., Michael.
13:05How much you pay for them?
13:07Two quid each.
13:08So if we can knock them out at, what, say, ten or a go,
13:10that's, what, 400 quid profit, eh?
13:12Lovely jubbly.
13:13You've just bought 50 dolls
13:15that have got something wrong with them.
13:17There's nothing wrong with those dolls, Rodney.
13:19You know what these quality control geezers are like.
13:21You know, you see one little scratch on them
13:23and they stamp and reject, like...
13:25What about them dolls you were selling at Christmas?
13:27There was nothing wrong with them dolls, was there?
13:29You laid them back in your arms like that,
13:31they'd close their little eyes
13:32and they looked exactly as if they was asleep.
13:34Yeah, we had to try and keep them closed, didn't we?
13:36Because when you opened them, they was boss eyes.
13:39Yeah, well...
13:41They had put the eyes in the wrong way round, I'd argue.
13:44But that's why they was such a bargain.
13:46Anyway, the kids didn't notice, did they?
13:48All except that little one who had nightmares.
13:50And I always said there was something wrong with her to start with.
13:53Anyway, these are probably top of the range.
13:55These are, like, Barbie or Cindy dolls or something like that.
13:58Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Cindy.
14:01These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle.
14:09You can't have dolls with names like that.
14:13You can if you go to the right shops.
14:26Oh, jeez, how...
14:29What have we got ourselves into here?
14:33Well, this is your fault, isn't it?
14:35You never stop to ask questions, do you?
14:37No, crashing in into all the consequences.
14:39That is because I've got a high profile.
14:41Yeah, high profile and low forehead.
14:45They're big for little dolls, aren't they?
14:48No, hunk, they ain't ordinary dolls.
14:51You get them advertised in...
14:53magazines.
14:55Where's that radio time?
14:58Albert, have a day off, will ya?
15:01I mean, CD magazines for kinky, sleazy little men.
15:06You're pulling my leg.
15:07Oh, am I?
15:09You have a look at this thing.
15:15He's right and all, Del.
15:17I know he's right.
15:19Oh, blimey, look at all this lot in here.
15:22We've got more colours in here than Jelly Baby's, look.
15:29Girl, I tell you, Del, we're gonna have to get rid of them a bit later.
15:32Yes, I know.
15:33You're right and all.
15:34Look at the prices they sell for.
15:36Sixty pounds each.
15:37On the other hand, let's not be too...
15:39Let's not be too hasty, eh, Rodney?
15:41Oh, come on, Del.
15:42No, you were the one that was having to go at me just now
15:44for, you know, making quick decisions, weren't you?
15:46Here, here.
15:47Albert, let me just have a look at that magazine now.
15:49Just go on, hang on.
15:50Don't give them to me.
15:53Del, we can't sell these.
15:55Rodney, Rodney, look at this.
15:56These things, they sell for sixty quid each, don't they?
16:00And these ones are self-inflating deluxe models
16:03for the more discerning weirdo.
16:06Maybe they're specially made for bronchial perverts.
16:09Rodney, if we could sell these for just, what,
16:11say, say thirty quid each,
16:13that means that we'd make, what, fourteen hundred quid profit.
16:16Just think of that.
16:17Think of that, Rodney.
16:18One thousand four hundred lovely smackeroonies
16:19split right down the middle between you and me.
16:21That means by this time tomorrow
16:22you could have six hundred quid of your own on your hip.
16:26And I know who will buy them off us and all.
16:28Who?
16:29Dirty Barry.
16:30Who's Dirty Barry?
16:31Well, he runs a little, um, personal shop down the Woolworth Road
16:35and he'll take the lot off us.
16:37And what happens if Cassandra finds out?
16:39Why, does she want one?
16:42You know what I mean.
16:43She won't want to see me again, will she?
16:45Well, how's she gonna find out?
16:47You stand a fair chance of getting caught
16:48if you go walking around the streets in broad daylight with them.
16:51Well, we won't, will we?
16:52We'll go down there tonight with them.
16:53He's open till about eight o'clock.
16:54Just get them out of here as quick as you can.
16:57I don't like the idea of sharing my home
16:59with these evil little things that bring nothing but bad luck.
17:02Now you know how me and Rodney felt the day you moved in.
17:06Well, I tell you, Dale, I don't want nothing to do with them.
17:08No, no, wait a minute, Rodney.
17:09No, wait a minute.
17:10Look, we're traders, aren't we?
17:11All we're doing is trading.
17:12This is just a one-off deal, that's all.
17:14I mean, people make a living out of these sort of things.
17:16It's big business and all, isn't it?
17:18I mean, you read about it in the Sunday papers, don't you?
17:20All those MPs and vicars all going off to them vice dens up in Soho
17:23to get whipped and beaten up.
17:26And they pay 200 quid, you know, for the privilege and all.
17:29Blimey, they ought to walk around this estate one night.
17:31They'll get it done free and on the National Health.
17:35Yeah, but them sort of people are sick.
17:37I know, but they're still human beings.
17:39I mean, some weirdo wants to get it going
17:41with a half a pound of latex and a lump of oxygen.
17:44Well, that's his business.
17:46As far as I'm concerned, he can have a meaningful relationship
17:48with a barrage balloon.
17:50As long as it's in the privacy of his own hangar.
17:53Exactly. Now, listen, I'm going to give Dirty Barry a bell.
17:56I'll tell him that we're going to be over there later on tonight.
17:58Rodney, tell me the truth.
18:01You couldn't honestly go out and sell them horrible dolls, could you?
18:06To be honest with you, Unc, no, I couldn't.
18:08Barry, tell boy.
18:11But I know a man who can.
18:17That's £5.50.
18:20It's almost ready. I'll fetch for you.
18:26Good evening.
18:27Police in South London have warned the public
18:29to be on the lookout for 50 life-size inflatable dolls
18:32which were emissioned from a factory in Deptford over the weekend.
18:35A police spokesman today said that due to a technical error,
18:38the dolls have been loaded with gases
18:40which include the highly explosive and volatile gas propane.
18:45They were burnt to the ground on Saturday night
18:47and experts suspect the fire may have been caused by the presence of propane.
18:51The theft came to light when security men noticed
18:54a forged signature on a delivery docket.
18:56Police have warned that the dolls are potentially lethal,
18:59particularly when exposed to heat,
19:01and have appealed for their immediate return.
19:06Your food is ready.
19:08Usually they take their food and run off without paying.
19:11This guy's got it all wrong.
19:18I don't believe it.
19:20I don't believe it.
19:22That's the last time I trust you with anything, Rodney.
19:25Look, I've already told you, there's something wrong with that machine.
19:28I asked him to set this to record a programme on ITV called City News.
19:32And what have I got?
19:33Open University on BBC Two.
19:35So instead of keeping my fingers on the ever-changing pulse of the stock market,
19:39I'm watching Christopher Dopey Ren on how he built St Paul's Cathedral.
19:43It's interesting.
19:45Yeah, you would.
19:46You were most probably around when he applied for planning permission.
19:49It's heavy in here, isn't it?
19:51Is it all right if I turn the thermostat up?
19:53Yeah.
19:54You sure it's not too technical for you?
19:59Oh, you dipstick, Rodney.
20:01Now look what you've done.
20:02Me?
20:03I thought Rodney knew about videos.
20:05Yeah.
20:06Emmanuel in Bangkok, and that's about it.
20:09I programmed that computer to record the programme you wanted.
20:13Now, it's not my fault if it decided to record something else, is it?
20:16That machine is...
20:20...up the wall.
20:21Oh, you're trying to blind me for science now, aren't you?
20:23Honestly, I think these computers are more trouble than they're worth.
20:26Where did you figure that out?
20:27There was a film on earlier all about computers.
20:30You're joking.
20:31I wish I'd recorded it.
20:33Hang around, Rodney.
20:34You most probably have.
20:36It was called War Games.
20:38It was all about this soppy kid who messes around with computers.
20:41And then one day, he broke into the computer that controls the American nuclear defence system.
20:46He almost got us into World War III.
20:49No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there?
20:51World War III?
20:52This plonker can't even get us into Channel 3, look.
20:55Have you read the instructions to your video recorder?
21:00No, I haven't actually read them.
21:02Well, why don't you do that small thing, Derek?
21:04I think you'll find it very interesting.
21:06Because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian
21:10and not one single word in English.
21:13And that's why your machine don't work.
21:15It was made strictly for sale in Europe.
21:18But we are in Europe. We're in the common market, aren't we?
21:20Yes, I know that.
21:21But we've got a different electrical system to the rest of Europe.
21:24And that's why your machine is on the blink.
21:26Its components are burning out.
21:28It is what's technically known as knackered.
21:31It's only Wayne Elson's tucked you up.
21:34I can't believe it.
21:37Well, that's all I need, isn't it?
21:39You won't be able to sell the others now, Del.
21:41Too late, hun. I've sold them all to Sartre now.
21:43You've sold them?
21:44Mm. Seventy, er, sixty quid each.
21:46Have I figured the money back?
21:48Why?
21:49Because they don't work.
21:50Well, what do you expect for sixty quid?
21:53I've been fucked up. I'm just passing it on, that's all.
21:55It's business.
21:56Oh, don't worry about it. Everything's going to be cushty.
21:59You are something else, you are.
22:01You're too picky, Rodney. That's your problem.
22:04Ahem.
22:05Ahem.
22:17What was that funny sound?
22:20I don't know.
22:22What you looking at me for?
22:24The most funny sounds in this flat tend to emanate from your vicinity.
22:28But I didn't do it.
22:36SHH.
22:41It's that funny noise.
22:42I sure wish.
22:43Eh?
22:45SLOWER
22:47SLOWER
22:49SLOWER
22:51SLOWER
22:54SLOWER
22:55SLOWER
22:56SCREAMING
22:57SCREAMING
23:00SCREAMING
23:02What's happening? What's happening, Ronnie?
23:07You know, how should I know?
23:08You're the one with the GTEs.
23:09It's come alive, that's what's happened.
23:11Come alive? What do you think this is, Pinocchio?
23:13I've seen this happen before. Years ago I was in Jamaica and I saw a voodoo ceremony.
23:18This witch doctor ran his hands over a dead cat and he'd come back alive.
23:22Yeah? I wish he lived around here. He'd have a go at my video.
23:27Just, just, just take it easy, all right? All right, calm down.
23:38That's you, that is. Talking about Jamaica, look.
23:41I don't understand it. I thought you were supposed to pull a string or press a button or something to inflate it.
23:45Yes, I did, didn't I?
23:47They're all next to the hot air duct.
23:56Well, that must have caused it, see?
23:58They must have a little canister of gas inside them and the heat set them off.
24:02What did you go and stick them next to the hot air duct for?
24:04Well, I didn't know the heat would do that.
24:06Anyway, you're the one that switched the thermostat up.
24:08Well, I didn't know the heat was going to do that either.
24:10Is it all right?
24:11Look, all right, all right, you two. Now just pack it in for God's sake, will you?
24:16I mean, you know, what will our guests think?
24:22They're ugly-looking mares, aren't they?
24:25I've seen you with worse.
24:27Rodney, you're going to cop an unfortunate one in a minute.
24:30Listen, we can't stand here arguing. We've got to do something before the rest of the black and white minstrels pop up.
24:35All right, don't panic, don't panic. We'll just deflate them.
24:39How?
24:40Well, they must have a little valve in them somewhere, right?
24:42Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Well, go on, where are you going in, Rodney?
24:47I don't know. It could be anywhere.
24:50And I ain't looking for it either. It could be illegal.
24:53What are you talking about, illegal? They can't phone for the police, can they, eh?
24:57All right, all right. Do it yourself, dull boy.
25:13There it is, look. There, look, right in the back there.
25:17Now, just, do you want me to stick... Go on, Rodney, have a go at that one.
25:21Here, I'll use one of these cocktail sticks. Here, look.
25:32Does Cassandra let you do that?
25:37Does Cassandra let you do that?
25:41Nothing's happening.
25:43No, same here.
25:44Maybe they're dodgy valves. We used to get it on the rubber dinghies in the Navy.
25:48Oh, yeah? How can you tell?
25:49Well, once they're up, they won't come down.
25:52Well, you remember what Denzel said?
25:54They were faulty, weren't they? He was taking them back to the factory.
25:57It must be the valves that are faulty.
26:00Well, now we're going to let them down.
26:02Where should I lie?
26:03Can't you stick pins in them?
26:04You're back to your voodoo again, aren't you?
26:06Of course we can't. We've got 60 quid in profit tied up in these two.
26:10Oh, look, what's 60 notes, eh? Come on, let's just burst them.
26:14Rodney, Rodney, don't you dare do that. Give me that here.
26:17God, dear. Your mother would turn somersaults in her grave if she could see you doing that.
26:22She did not bring us up to throw good money away just because we got a little problem.
26:26We'll find a way in which we can get them down to dirty barriers.
26:30But how are you going to explain the fact that they are fully inflated?
26:33I'll just say they're samples.
26:34I'll say we blew them up so he could see them in all their natural beauty.
26:39Yeah, we'll chuck them in the back of the van. They'll be out of sight then.
26:42And you can come out of this flat, down the stairs, through the main doors,
26:46right across the forecourt to where the van's parked, without anyone seeing you.
26:50He always has to spoil everything, doesn't he?
26:52He's got a point, though, hasn't he?
26:54I mean, there's thousands of people on this estate. Someone's bound to see you.
26:57Yeah, all right, all right. Well, I'll think of a way.
26:59Listen, the first thing we've got to do is to get these into another room.
27:02I mean, if that bloke from the council turns up, talks to us about buying this flat,
27:05I mean, Gord knows what he'll say if he sees Pepsi and Shirley here.
27:09Albert, put these in Rodney's room.
27:10What? No way. I've already got a wardrobe full of mum's old clothes in my room.
27:14Them two are just about to take a biscuit.
27:16What are you going to do?
27:17Well, in case I bring Cassandra back, put them in your room.
27:20No. In case I bring a bird back, put them in Albert's room.
27:24In case I bring a...
27:27All right, put them in my room.
27:29I've got to go and make Cassandra. I'll see you later.
27:31Oi, Rodney.
27:33Just make sure you don't do anything that might cause embarrassment to our family.
27:39Bill, I don't think I could do anything that would cause embarrassment to our family.
27:43Good boy. Good boy.
27:46Mum would be proud of you.
27:48Mum. Mum.
27:50That's it. Rodney.
27:52I think I've just worked out a way of how we can get these down to Dirty Barry's.
27:56Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
27:58Oh, no.
28:06These tomatoes are a bit manky, aren't they, Mike?
28:10Still, they make your beard taste better.
28:13I'll have you know, they were fresh Jersey tomatoes.
28:16Yeah? When?
28:17Why do you come in this pub, Trigger?
28:20For the company.
28:21Trigger doesn't have many friends or opportunities for social outlet.
28:25Every weekend, he goes down to the park and throws bread to the ducks.
28:29To him, it's a dinner party.
28:32So during the week, he has a straight choice between sitting in a cemetery or sitting in this pub.
28:37Unfortunately, the cemetery closes at six.
28:41What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger's done nothing but moan.
28:44You've got a face like a constipated rat.
28:47At least when Del Boy comes in, he cracks a joke and has a laugh.
28:51It is due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat.
28:57Derek popped in to see me this afternoon.
28:59How is he?
29:01A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon.
29:04He sold me some video recorders. Seventy pounds each. I snapped them up.
29:08Seventy nicker each? What, they fall off the back of a lorry?
29:11If they did, they were going round a bend in Dusseldorf.
29:15How do you mean?
29:16I have just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current.
29:20To make them work on the British system would take a transformer the size of a suitcase
29:25and an electrician of such genius I'd have to go headhunting at Cape Canaveral.
29:31Seventy nicker each?
29:32Aye.
29:34Those video recorders. Seventy nicker each?
29:36Yeah.
29:37I'll have one.
29:38I'll have one.
29:43No, no, Trigg. See, they only work on the continental... All right, I'll drop one round.
29:47Yeah.
29:48Cheers, boysy.
29:49Mike! Mike!
29:50Hang on, hang on. I've only got one pair of hands.
29:53Have you seen Del Boy?
29:54Oh, no, he ain't been in tonight.
29:55Oh, bloody hell. I've got to do something really quick. Is your phone working?
29:58Is the phone working?
30:02Look, we had a spotter bother the other week. They told him why I was out.
30:04But what's all the panic?
30:05I sold Del some dolls. Inflatable dolls.
30:08Inflatable dolls?
30:10Yeah, well, he didn't know they were inflatable. I never knew they were inflatable.
30:13I picked them up from a place called Playthings. I thought it was a toy shop.
30:18Well, apparently the police are looking for them. They're dangerous.
30:21They've been fitted with the wrong gas cylinders. They're full of something called propane.
30:25Propane? Yeah, that's explosive, isn't it?
30:27Very. Del's got 50 little time bombs on his hands.
30:30If them things get hot, they are going to have to redo the A to Z.
30:35I'll pop round this flat. I'll see you later.
30:39That's bad news, isn't it?
30:43Terrible.
30:45Well, it's tragic.
30:48Ha-ha-ha-ha!
31:03Hurry up, then. It's all clear.
31:11Oh, what a very pleasant evening.
31:14I killed you.
31:16Go and get the van, Albert.
31:19It'll be all right as long as we don't draw attention to ourselves.
31:27Look. Hmm? Oh.
31:32You all right?
31:35Hurry up, Albert.
31:39It's locked.
31:41Blimey!
31:43You got the keys, Rodney? Yeah.
31:45Here you are. Hurry up.
31:47Drive the van back over here, Hank.
31:49But I'm not insured. Well, don't have a Christ in me.
31:56What if the police patrol sees us?
31:58It's all right. These dolls ain't hooky.
32:00I'm thinking more of a public indecency charge.
32:03How are you going to explain this in court?
32:06I should tell the truth, Rodney.
32:08I should say, yes, Your Honour, the other evening,
32:10my brother and I decided to go out for a drink
32:12with two life-size inflatable dolls
32:14which were wearing my late mother's clothing.
32:17We can't put you in prison for that, Rodney, can we?
32:19No, they'll chuck us in Broadmoor.
32:21The Norman Bates win, most probably.
32:24Hold up. Hold up.
32:26Good evening, Gary. Good evening, Clayton.
32:28Good evening, Rodney.
32:30Evening, Mr. Cooper.
32:32Good evening, ladies. What, good evening?
32:39Oh!
32:48Right, that's me finished with them, I'm afraid.
32:50Just a minute, Nick.
32:51Aren't you coming down Dirty Barry's with us?
32:53No, I ain't. I've got a date with Cassandra.
32:55Look, I had a date with that Simone sort
32:57from the Cut-Price Butchers.
32:59And she had a bag of liver for us.
33:01Knocked her on the head.
33:03Business comes first.
33:04Well, I'm not knocking Cassandra on the head.
33:06Look, you bought them. He blew them up.
33:08So it's YP, Derek.
33:10YP?
33:11Your problem.
33:14You dipstick.
33:17Come on, Albert. Get in the van.
33:18Why have I got to come in with you?
33:20I need you to help me carry them into Dirty Barry's.
33:26Don't keep worrying. We're in the van now.
33:29No-one can see them.
33:30I hope you're right.
33:32Trust me.
33:33Have I ever put you wrong before?
33:36No.
33:59You are a liar, Rodney.
34:01Cassandra, that hurts me.
34:03I have never told an untruth in my life.
34:05I happen to come from an extremely honest family.
34:08You told me you lived in a great big house.
34:10Well, I do live in a great big house.
34:12Nelson Mandela house.
34:14It's got about 70 flats in it.
34:15You can't get much bigger than that.
34:17I drove you home to where you claimed to live
34:19and it most certainly was not a council estate.
34:21It was a mansion.
34:22I mean, there was a brand-new Mercedes in the front
34:24and most probably an Olympic-sized swimming pool at the back.
34:27And the people who owned the house came to the window
34:30and you had the gall to wave at them.
34:32Yes, I remember.
34:34I thought to myself that night that never again would I go out
34:37without my contact lenses.
34:39Oh, shut up.
34:43Enjoy your meal.
34:47No, well, you know,
34:49I saw your house and it looked so nice
34:51I decided I'd better sprawl to be.
34:53You must have known I'd find out.
34:55No.
34:56Well, I didn't think I'd ever see you again.
34:58Why?
34:59I don't know.
35:00I just didn't.
35:02I wanted to see you again, but...
35:05Did you want to see me again?
35:07Yes, I did.
35:08Why?
35:09Because I thought you lived in a great big house and had a Mercedes.
35:13Why did you want to see me again?
35:15Well, I wanted to see what you looked like
35:17once I had my contact lenses in.
35:19And?
35:23Well, it's come as a big disappointment, Cassandra.
35:25I'm sorry.
35:26Don't apologise.
35:27It happens all the time.
35:28I meet a guy, we get on well,
35:30he remains his sight, end of story.
35:32It's a tough world.
35:35I'd like to meet your brother.
35:41Why?
35:42Just the things you've told me about him.
35:44Seems like an interesting kind of person.
35:45Yes, they all can sometimes be interesting.
35:49Most of the time he's just baffling.
35:52Come on, come on, come on.
35:55Will you take that thing off?
35:57You look like Little Red Riding Hood.
35:59The only one around here recognising me.
36:01Who the hell's going to recognise you, eh?
36:03You might not believe it, but during the war
36:05I was quite a celebrity around these parts.
36:07It was because of all the medals I won
36:09for bravery under fire.
36:10The only acts of bravery you ever performed
36:12were underwater.
36:14Say someone saw us holding these things,
36:17they might ring the press,
36:18and they'd have a field day,
36:20and they'd be like,
36:21They might ring the press,
36:22and they'd have a field day,
36:24what with me being an old war hero.
36:26They'd call me one of those silly Fleet Street nicknames.
36:29They'd call me the old man in the PVC,
36:32or something like that.
36:33Will you stop moaning?
36:37Who's there?
36:38Barry, it's me, Dogboy.
36:40Oh, God.
36:45He's security conscious, isn't he?
36:48No, he's just moving some of his stock.
36:52Come in.
37:02Who's the monk?
37:06That's my Uncle Albert, he's alright.
37:08So, what's occurring?
37:09You buying or selling?
37:11Selling.
37:12Yeah, what?
37:14What?
37:15These things, of course.
37:16What do you think I'm doing?
37:17Giving them a guided tour?
37:18Yeah, they're not the dolls the police are looking for.
37:21Are they?
37:22Police?
37:23No, no, no, no.
37:24No, these come from up north.
37:25There's a shop I know that went out of business.
37:27And I thought, I'll get these for my mate Barry.
37:30Went out of business, did he?
37:32Yeah, it's happening everywhere, Dill.
37:33The bottom's fallen out of this game.
37:35Listen, Barry.
37:36Now, you're a businessman.
37:37You know, a bargain when you see one.
37:38Now, these are the finest quality, top of the range.
37:40They normally retail around the 70 quid mark.
37:43I'm selling them for 30 quid each.
37:45Yeah, you're right, Dill.
37:46They are cheap.
37:47Someone's going to get a bargain.
37:48No, no, not someone, Barry.
37:49Not someone you know can do that.
37:52See, I had a visit from the council yesterday.
37:54They revoked me licence, closed me down.
37:56Well, where am I going to get rid of them then?
37:58Well, nowhere local.
37:59I mean, they're closing us all down.
38:00We're selling our stock, not buying.
38:02What about Soho?
38:03You won't have any joy there, mate.
38:05Their stock rooms are full.
38:06We sold them all our gear this morning.
38:09Now, I tell you, Maggie Thatcher's ruined this business.
38:13At last, someone's got something good to say about her.
38:17I don't know what's up with him.
38:19He's an old sailor.
38:20He's still got a bit of depth charge lodged in his brain.
38:23Come on, Brother Albert.
38:32Just my luck, hasn't it?
38:34If I could have bought them dolls a couple of days ago,
38:36I could have outed them.
38:38Instead of that, Dirty Barry and his mates have flooded the market.
38:41And whilst they got rid of their stock,
38:43I'm lumbered here with polythene Pam and vinyl Vera.
38:48Get off.
38:49What a day.
38:50That's a punishment, that is.
38:52Will you stop going on about God and voodoo and all that?
38:56I'll be shaking bones and waving shrunken heads about next.
39:02I know what I'd do.
39:05We'll hang on to them till the market picks up.
39:08I mean, it's only like the stock exchange, isn't it?
39:10You know, up and down, supply and demand, constantly fluctuating.
39:14We'll hang on to them and wait for the big bang.
39:23Hi, sir. Madam. Thank you.
39:28Can I give you a lift home?
39:29Oh, no, thank you.
39:31My mum warned me about girls like you.
39:33The lift home's all very well,
39:34but you'll expect a lot more than a goodnight kiss, won't you?
39:37And I am not that sort of boy.
39:39And I thought you were a cert.
39:41Look, I promise I won't try and unbutton your shirt or take your string vest off.
39:45Nah, it's all right.
39:46If you give me a lift home,
39:47you've got to go all the way around the one-way system, haven't you?
39:50I'll take a shortcut through the market.
39:51If you're sure. You be careful, though.
39:53Oh, but the baddies don't frighten me.
39:55I'm streetwise, aren't I?
39:57Good.
39:59And watch out for unexploded inflatable dolls.
40:04Didn't you see it on the news tonight?
40:06No, I'll tell you it's on the bling.
40:07Why, what'd they say?
40:08You know there's, like, creepy blow-up dolls you can buy?
40:10Yeah. Well, yeah, well...
40:12There's a factory in Deptford that makes them,
40:14and apparently a whole batch has gone missing
40:16that was accidentally filled with an explosive gas.
40:21We shouldn't laugh.
40:22No, we shouldn't.
40:23They could prove potentially dangerous.
40:25Cassandra, I've got to go. I don't feel very well.
40:28What's wrong with you?
40:29Anything the matter, sir?
40:31No, it's all right. I just feel a bit... sick.
40:35Look, I'll phone you, OK?
40:36Yes.
40:38That's the third complaint tonight.
40:42Where did we get those tomatoes from?
40:46You'd better not be having me on, Rodney.
40:48I'm not, Alanis.
40:50Right in the mouth if you're pulling my leg.
41:05Explosive gas.
41:06I've never heard of anything so daft.
41:08Shut up and keep spraying.
41:25Right, right.
41:29Over there, look.
41:30Over there, look, over there in the corner.
41:32Careful. All right?
41:36Find them over here.
41:38Go on.
41:48Just dropping them off.
41:53I thought you said you heard a sussing sound.
41:56I did.
41:57I was making a funny noise like something was going to happen.
42:01The only thing that's happened so far is poor old mum's clothing's got all dirty.
42:06I shall have to take it all down to dry cleaners now.
42:09Dale, them dolls are dangerous.
42:11They've been on the news everywhere.
42:13How do you know it was them dolls that they was talking about?
42:16I know, right? I just know.
42:21Well, the only thing that I know is I've got 60 quid laying out over there.
42:25We're hanging about here like a couple of spare ones at a wedding.
42:31Oh, come on. I've had enough of this. Come on.
42:50See?
42:57Told him not to have the mutton vindaloo.
43:01Come on.
43:09That could have happened anywhere, Rodders.
43:11We only just got rid of them in time. We was well lucky.
43:17No, it's not luck, Rodney.
43:20It's mum.
43:22Mum?
43:23Yeah.
43:25She's up there somewhere watching over us.
43:28What?
43:30Oh, yeah.
43:35It's the old April going, is it?