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Short filmTranscript
00:00That's the way, Rodney. Don't bother helping me get the tea ready, just carry on poncing
00:08about with that computer. I'm not poncing about with anything. In case
00:13it slipped that senile shrapnel-cluttered brain of yours, I happen to be studying for
00:18a computer diploma course. Oh, I've forgotten, son. I remember you enrolled
00:23on a three-month course two years ago. It happens to be an extremely difficult exam.
00:28Well, you should know. You've failed it often enough.
00:32I have not failed. Well, in the popular sense of the word. It's just all the other students
00:38have an advantage over me. Yeah, they all pass.
00:43I mean, they are sent to the evening college by their companies. All day long they are
00:48working with computers, knocking out data and programmes, aren't they? Whereas all day
00:52long I am working with a suitcase, knocking out disposable lighters and Turkish raincoats.
00:59But even if you get your diploma, what difference will that make to Trotter's Independent Traders?
01:04I'm not doing it for Trotter's Independent Traders. I'm doing it for me. This diploma
01:08could be my passport to freedom, a decent job, a future. I mean, I can't go on for the
01:14rest of my life messing about with this sort of junk, can I? Do you know what he wants
01:18me to do? He wants me to stand in a market, flogging raincoats with dry clean only on
01:22the label. Puts the punters right off. The way Dale was telling the other day, the future
01:29has never looked more promising. Oh well, but that's all talk, innit? Haven't you seen
01:33the change in him? He's gone all high-powered and trendy, hasn't he? I mean, he saw that
01:38film Wall Street about six bloody times, didn't he? There's a character in that, right, called
01:43Gordon Gekko. Now, he's a real tough, high-flying whiz kid, right? And Dale wants to be just
01:48like him. He doesn't seem to realise that Gordon Gekko had brains. Dale thinks all you
01:54need's a file of facts and a pair of red braces and you're a chairman of the board. Still,
01:59I will say one thing for him, he has been very encouraging with this evening college
02:03course. Yeah? How? Well, he... well, he gives me a lift there every week.
02:10That's the way, Rodney. Don't bother about stocking up the van for the morning. You just
02:18sit there poncing about with that computer. Derek, it is my college evening and I am trying
02:23to finish my homework. Oh yeah? Oh, yeah. Ah, no, that's good. That's very good, that,
02:29Rodney. Yeah, you'll probably get a star for that. I don't know why you bother, honestly.
02:34You've always been the same, even when you was at school. Nothing but books, learning,
02:37education. That's why you're no good at snooker. Fancy a bit of grub, Dale? No, no, thanks,
02:43Albert. Food is for wimps. I've got me correspondence to catch up with. Tough at the top, eh, Dale?
02:48Yeah, don't worry. We're going to get to the top one day. Don't worry. This time next year,
02:52we will be millionaires. Ah-ha. See, we're moving already. This is from the council.
03:00They've received my application to buy this flat and they're giving it consideration.
03:07This flat? Why? Well, we've been living in it since 1962. You were born in it. He was
03:13banned from it. I mean, we're all living in it, you know, the whole family. There's mum
03:19and grandad and, you know, everyone. This place holds many warm memories for me. But
03:27why do you want to buy it? So we can sell it. Sell it? What for? Bloody good profit
03:34with a bit of luck. Exactly. Exactly. You see, Rodney, Peckham here is becoming a very
03:39trendy area. I mean, it's full of wine bars and bistros. You know, property prices are
03:43booming. So if we can flog this place to some, you know, chinless wonder for some vastly
03:48inordinate sum, well, that means that we can get a nice little drum out there in a suburb.
03:53Dale, council properties were built so the poorer classes would have somewhere to live.
03:57If they start selling them to Hooray Henrys, where are they going to go? Esher, Orpington,
04:02somewhere like that. But they can't afford to buy houses. They can when they've sold
04:08their flats. Yeah, of course they can. It's money for old rope. Lovely jubbly. It is immoral.
04:13Oh, shut up, you tart. Alright, think of it from our business point of view, eh? I mean,
04:21this flat is in a wonderful position, isn't it? I mean, it's 15 minutes from the West
04:25End. It's 15 minutes from the motorway. And 15 minutes from the Grand. You're right, Rodney.
04:32You're right. Never thought of that. That's a very good selling point. I'm going to make
04:36a note of that. That could whack on a few grand, Albert. Yeah, don't worry. We'll make
04:41a nice little bit of bunce out of this old drum. You have got no right to sell this flat
04:45over my head. Oi, do you mind? Listen, I've been living here for 27 years. That gives
04:49me the right to decide its future. And I was born here. That gives me more right than
04:53anybody. You might have been born here, but Del is the one who pays the rent, or he is.
04:57Yeah, that's right. And you take just how much I've paid in rent over the years. I must
05:02have bought this place at least four or five times over. And yet not one breeze block belongs
05:07to me. To us. And all that is going to change. You're just a snob. That's all you are. I
05:13am not a snob, Rodney. I am a realist. I mean, I've grafted for years. I have to try to get
05:18us a nice little place out there in the open air. And look at us. We're still here in this
05:22council-built Lego set. I mean, I used to watch you when you was a kid, you know. Breathing
05:27in all the fumes from the motorway. You must have more lead inside you than a butcher's
05:31pencil. And I used to think, God, what is it doing to his little brain? Too late now,
05:36son. Yeah, you see, that's right. I'm a fully grown... What do you mean it's too late now?
05:42I mean, you're a full grown man. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Anyway, you've only
05:48been paying the rent here since Mum died. Oh, leave it out, Rodney. I've been paying
05:52the rent here ever since I was old enough to op the wag. I was the only one in this
05:56family who ever earned any money. I mean, you just take it. I mean, it was Mum. Bless
06:00her, you know. I mean, she tried, but her elf let her down. And it was Dad. He would
06:05have loved a job, except he suffered from this sticky mattress. And it was dear old
06:10Grandad, bless him. He was about as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one
06:15ear. All the things that we've ever got out of life has come from my intelligence and
06:21my foresight. Well, I'm glad somebody's owned up. I don't know what you're moaning about.
06:29Life's been a walkover for you. You've never had to graft for it when you was a kid, because
06:32I saw to it that you didn't have to. When I was 11 years old, Rodney, Dad got me two,
06:37count them, two paper rounds. That was me, come rain, sleet, or shine. There was Del
06:42Boy every morning, 35 daily sketches, 40 heralds, and a spick and span for the weirdo in Marley
06:47Road. And when I delivered them, I went to another shop and started my second round.
06:54Dad always said he'd get me a bike. Oi, I used to work when I was a kid as well. When?
07:00When I was 11, when they were introducing North Sea gas to the area, and you got hold
07:05of that consignment of do-it-yourself gas conversion kits. You remember that Sunday
07:11you sent me down to Mountbatten Estate with a barrel load of them? All day long I was
07:15down here knocking on doors. I missed me Sunday dinner and everything. And not one of the
07:19gits down there had the decency to tell me that the Mountbatten Estate was all electric.
07:28No, I seem to remember you coming back and telling me about that, yeah. I just kept laughing
07:33at me. I thought it was that stupid Flower Power shirt he used to make me wear. It was
07:38a very beautiful shirt, that, Rodney. That was horrible. It was pink with little red
07:42poppies all over it. It was very fashionable, once. But Derek, at the time, I happened to
07:48be covered in chicken pox. From a distance, I looked like I was stripped to the waist.
07:56To this day, I will never know what possessed you to send me to that estate. I mean, you
08:00had mates living there. You must have known it was all electric. All right, I don't know.
08:05I mean, it was a long time ago. I've forgotten about it. All right, so you grafted as well.
08:09He fought and died for his country, many times. Which gives us the right to make a bit of
08:15profit out of this flat. Yeah, well, I want to stay in this flat. You can buy it off building.
08:25That's the trouble with you, Rodney. You don't move with the times. The world is changing
08:29out there. It's a financial jungle. It's a question of he who dares wins. He who hesitates,
08:34don't. It's called the survival of the fittest. No, Unc, it's called pull the ladder up, Jack,
08:41and sod the rest. There are times when you have to look after yourself, Rodney. I remember
08:46once when I was in the South Pacific. Oi, don't you dare give me another nautical nightmare.
08:52I've already been through the Adriatic with him once this afternoon. It's like the adventures
08:57of Dover Sol. All right, Rodney, look, we won't move far away. There are lots of nice
09:07places around this area. We'll buy a house that befits people like us. What do you mean
09:13people like us? Well, yuppies. I am not a yuppie. No, no, no, but given time and a little
09:22help from me, and... Is he supposed to do that?
09:38What you stopping for? Cop a load of this, bruv. I mean, this is what you call living.
09:45You know, I bet this gaff, I bet it's got a guest suite, swimming pool, a jacuzzi. What
09:57have we got? A put you up, a damp patch and a jacarzy. Where do you reckon this sort of
10:02place goes, Thorny? I don't know, three quarters of a million, maybe more. We'll be in one
10:08of these one day, bruv. Oh, yeah. What you got lined up, a decorating job? No, listen
10:15to me, we just need a half-decent break and we'll be millionaires. Dale, I wouldn't live
10:21in this road if you paid me. It's poncy, it's immoral. Immoral? What are you going on about,
10:27you dipstick? Look, you've got something like 18 acres of land here with about 12 families
10:31living on it. You know all these sort of people, they need a bit of space around them, don't
10:35you? Down here, you've got stockbrokers, private doctors, Porsches. I mean, these are the
10:42creme de la menthe of our community. You can house thousands of people on this land. What,
10:47more tower blocks? Of course, if it was left up to you, the only growth industry would
10:52be lift repairing. Every time you go to these evening classes, you come back talking like
10:57Ken Livingstone and Arthur Scargill. Watch it, you'll end up with a funny haircut. Are
11:03you going to drive me to the adult education centre or are we going to stand here all night
11:07admiring a privet? Are you sure the door's closed, Rodney? Look, Rodney, I want to be
11:21successful, but not for the money. I want the power and the influence that success brings.
11:27And what will you do with all this power and influence? Spend it.
11:31Go on, hurry up, Rodney. You'll be calling the register in a minute. Hey, hey, hey, mind
11:59the road. Remember what the Green Cross code man said. You're getting on my bloody nerves.
12:08Rodney, Rodney, just remember, if the big boys gang up on you again at playtime, you
12:13tell the teacher. And don't lose your dinner money.
12:43Now that is a bit of me.
13:13It's good to unwind, isn't it? After a hard day in the city, it's good to unwind. I imagine
13:35it must be very tiring. Tiring? Tired, yeah, I'm cream-crackered and that's no lie. I've
13:40been up since six o'clock this morning trying to talk to a bloke in New York. Why didn't
13:43you use a telephone? No, I've got a telephone and all that. No, I mean, it's just a long
13:49and stressful day, you know, wheeling and dealing in the old commodities market. It
13:52ain't all champagne and skittles. Oh, no. Buying, selling, you know, making billion-pound
13:58decisions. It's a git of a drive home and all. What exactly do you buy and sell in the
14:04commodities market? Oh, you know, this and that, whatever's going, you know. Iron ore,
14:08sugar beet. I made a killing today on olive oil. Gordon knows what Popeye will say when
14:13he gets home. Can I get you anything? Yes, sir, please, John. Bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau.
14:22Yes, sir. A seventy-nine. Oh, Popeye, you got it, have you? Have you got my money?
14:33Oh, bloody hell. How am I supposed to do all this? Hello. Oh. Hi. Sorry to interrupt
15:01you. Oh, what? No, it's all right. It's just some computer data I've got to put into a
15:05programme. It's very complicated. Well, yeah, it does look difficult, but it's no problem.
15:13My name's Rodney. Cassandra. Ah, Cassandra. It's a lovely name. Thank you. I just wanted
15:20to say... I'm glad we bumped into each other, because I was trying to find a way of saying
15:23hello to you, and I think it's really, you know, sort of liberated of you to make the
15:26first move. Move? No, you don't understand. You've taken my coat. I'm so sorry. It's OK.
15:37They're very similar. It's an easy mistake to make. This one's yours. Well, how do you
15:42know it's mine? It's got your name written in it. Look, I didn't write this. This one's
15:54probably my brother, you know, his idea of a joke. Well, whatever. We've sorted it out
15:59now. Yeah. Well, nice meeting you. Oh, yeah, and you.
16:22Cassandra? I was wondering whether you had time for a quick drink. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm
16:28going out with a friend tonight. Oh, well, never mind. Can I walk you to your car? Oh,
16:34thank you. Pleasure. Here we are. I thought it was... Thank you for getting me here safely.
16:47Ain't nothing of it. It's a nice car. It's my father's. Do you live round there? Blackheath.
16:55How about you? Peckham. Where are you parked? Oh, no, I lent my car to my brother. Well,
17:02I wish I hadn't now, after what he wrote in my coat, the little... I'll get a bus down
17:07the terminus. I'm going past the terminus if you'd like a lift. Oh, thank you. Rodney?
17:16Rodney? I think someone's calling you. Really? Over here. Hung about for you. Give me a lift
17:26on. Oh, yeah, there's someone I know. Well, thanks for the offer, anyway. Okay. Bye. Yeah.
17:40Bye.
17:44Who's the tart?
18:01What's the matter? Has he given you lines or something? Why did you write my name inside
18:05that raincoat? Well, cos Mum said to me on her deathbed... Why did you write it, you
18:09git? Right, all right. She said to me, make sure you always write Rodney's name in his
18:14clothes, that way no-one will nick him. And I was just giving me promise. I was so embarrassed.
18:19Yeah, but no-one nicked your coat, did they? Oh, come on. Come on, honey, it was only a
18:25joke, you touchy-tot. Come on, have a drink. I've got some wine and some of that funny
18:30water. Right. I never thought I'd like a spitzer, you know, but I've got right into
18:36it now. Here, you try that. Good stuff. Cheers, Rod. What are you still doing here? Ah, well,
18:42when I dropped you, I followed these two yuppie sorts. You know, told them a few jokes, flashed
18:47me file of facts, knocked them bandy. And where are they? They went to the ladies a
18:52couple of hours ago and ain't come back yet. Still, never mind, never mind, hey. Plenty
18:57more in the sea, plenty more where they came from, ain't there? Hey, that's an idea. Why
19:02don't we pull ourselves a couple of sorts and go on to a club like, eh? No, not me,
19:07darling. Oh, come on, you're not going home already, are you? No, not with Albert there.
19:12Last thing I need right now is another battle of the Baltic. Look, stick them in a van for
19:16me, would you? I'll see you later. Yeah, all right, bruv, yeah, I will, yeah. Excuse me,
19:22are you eating? No, I'm nibbling it. Oh, no, no, no, no, our bistro's just open, I
19:30was wondering if you'd like a table for dinner? Oh, dinner, no thanks, no thanks, John, no,
19:33dinner is for wimps, you know what I mean? And tonight's lucky winner is... The chick
19:42sitting at the corner table. Now, you've got no chance with her, Geraldine. I've seen
19:47five blokes ask her for a dance and she gave them all a blank. No, five ordinary mortals,
19:51haven't met me yet. Just listen to him. Well, you carry on, Jebby. Me and Mickey will prepare
19:56the altar. I'll wave to you as I leave. Yeah, don't forget, will ya? Jevin, he does the
20:02business, though, doesn't he, Rodney, eh? Still, I taught him everything he knows. Oh,
20:06turn it up, Mickey. Last time you went out with a bird, you took it to a Bay City Rollers
20:11concert. What's the matter with you, anyway? You got a foil or a pimple or something? Yeah,
20:17sort of. It's called Delboy. Oh, yeah, yeah, he's getting a bit nuncy, isn't he, lately?
20:22I see him walking down the high street the other day with his filopax held up in front
20:26of him. You know, a lot of people thought it was a protest march. Yeah, well, he only
20:31uses it for business, doesn't he? And what about that green coat of his, eh? Oh, looks
20:35a right poltist, doesn't it? Well, personally, I think he looks very smart. Oh, leave it
20:39out, Rodney. He looks like the Incredible Hulk's little boy. I'll tell him next time
20:43I see him. I'm sure he'll find a way of showing his gratitude. You don't know how to tell
20:47him, do you? It's only a joke, innit? I don't believe it. Looks like Jevon has fallen on
20:55stony ground. She's a lesbian. She probably likes the direct approach instead of all that
21:17old fanny you've given. What's the master? A nerd. The thing is, I never know whether
21:25to believe him. He always struck me as a pretty straightforward type. You don't know him like
21:29I do. Do you want to dodge? No. Right. She's definitely a lesbian. Oh, don't be stupid,
21:39Mickey. They're all busy down at Town Hall. She'd dance with me. That's what we like about
21:49you, Rodney. We're always guaranteed a laugh. Look, I'm the first day in a letter all chatting
21:55and this is God's foster son. So what chances a woe like you got? I bet you she'll dance
22:01with me. Oh, you bet, do you? Right, tell her she don't. I'll have some of that. That's
22:07a score. Cover the bet, Rodney. All right, I will. Before you ask her to dance, why don't
22:15you see if she'll lend you a fiver? Right, one score. You don't come to a disco expecting
22:23to make a profit, do you? That's very true, Michael. I'll see you two later. He said he
22:30had a holiday home near Marbella. Turned out to be a caravan on the Isle of Sheffield.
22:34Well, didn't he say so? He said distance was relative. Well, I suppose he's got a point.
22:40I mean, compared to somewhere like Melbourne, the Isle of Sheffield is near Marbella. Hi.
22:46Hello. Again.
23:17Hey, Trig. Trig, huh? Trig, over here.
23:21Good day, old boy. What are you doing here?
23:24Well, I'm always here. I'm a regular here now. Here, John, get my mate a pint of lager,
23:28will you? I'm afraid we don't serve beers, sir.
23:31Oh, yeah, no, that's right. Yeah, I remember now. Yeah, there was no call for it, so they
23:36knocked it on the head. Do you fancy a spitzer? Yeah, I'll give it a try.
23:40Anyway, what are you doing down here, Trig? I thought you'd be in the old next head.
23:43Yeah, I was, but Mike's just barred me. Barred you? What for?
23:47He accused me of stealing one of his pork pies. What do I want his rotten pork pies for?
23:52I don't even like pork pies. Oh, he's getting right out of order, that bloke. He really is.
23:57I'm thinking of suing him for def...definite...
24:03Slander? Yeah.
24:06I wouldn't worry about it, Trig. I wouldn't worry. He's done you a favour, actually.
24:09No, he really has. I mean, you look round here. This place is full of yuppie sorts.
24:14Yeah, we can't go wrong here. All we've got to do is learn their language.
24:18Why, are they foreign, then? No, no, no, no. It's just that they're yuppies.
24:22They don't speak proper English, like what we do. I mean, I've been earholding them.
24:26It's all ya, super and fab and all that game. Yeah.
24:29And they love to talk about money. It's their favourite subject.
24:32I mean, you chat about money and you can't fail to impress them. Yeah. Yeah, God's honest.
24:38I saw one of them old five-pound oaks the other day.
24:46Come here, come here, Trig, Trig. No, no, no, no, mate.
24:49I don't mean talk about your bloody coin collection, do I?
24:52I mean, you've just got to talk about your wealth. Yeah, but I ain't got none of that.
24:56Neither have half of these. They're all living in sin with their flexible friends.
25:00I just mean you've got to chat about it. You've just got to talk...
25:05Look, I'll show you how it's done. Watch this.
25:13Ha! It's all good when you're in a high-profile business, ain't it, girls, eh?
25:17Really? Yeah. Of course, I'm in stocks and shares, meself.
25:20Yeah, I bought a few thousand shares in a little department store this afternoon.
25:24Now I've got a phone with Laura and me accountant. Gives you the hump, doesn't it?
25:29Excuse me. Sorry. How do you spell Arabs?
25:32Capital A. Capital A?
25:37Oh, I see. I see. All right. Beam me up, snotty.
25:44It's all you need, ain't it, eh? Yeah. Here, have this. I don't want it. Thanks.
25:52Never since I met him I asked him if he wanted to dance
25:56Looking for a little romance
25:59See you later, Mickey.
26:01Rodney! Rodney! Hang on.
26:03What's happening, Nene? What's she all about?
26:06Her name is Cassandra. She lives in Blackheath and she is giving me a lift home.
26:11She's got a car? No, she's giving me a crossbar.
26:14What do you mean, she's got a car?
26:17We're dropping her friend off first. She lives next door to Cassandra.
26:20If you're going to Blackheath, you can give me a lift home, Nene. No.
26:23Go on. I'm going to club over Blackheath. Just drop us off somewhere and I'll walk the rest of the way.
26:27No, cos, um, well, she's only got a two-seater.
26:31Yeah, if she's got a two-seater, how come she's taking you and her mate?
26:35No, look, Mickey... Jevon, we're off.
26:42You better not nose this up for me, Mickey.
26:44Don't worry, I'll be on my double best behaviour. The perfect gentleman.
26:47You better be. Promise. What's her friend's name?
26:50Emma. So do it to her.
26:54Go on, get the ump.
27:02You see, nowadays, these modern Eurovillains, they go for the more mature men who've made it in life.
27:08Yeah? Is that why we're having no luck?
27:10No, no. I haven't started yet. Just building myself up to it.
27:15Yeah, well, you'd better hurry up. It'll be closing time soon.
27:17All right, all right.
27:29I think we're on a winner here, Trigg, all right?
27:31Play it nice and cool, son. Nice and cool, you know what I mean?
27:48Yeah!
27:56Drink up, Trigg. Drink up, we're leaving.
28:01Aren't you going to try for them birds?
28:03No, no, you're cramping my style, mate. You're cramping my style.
28:11Me and Rodney live near each other. Do you know the new area estate, Peckham?
28:15No, can't say I've ever heard of it, no.
28:16Well, it's a rather lively place, especially when a militant's old and mildly grey, Rodney.
28:22You two live in Blackdean?
28:23Yes.
28:24Hey, have you heard of a drink around there called the Down-by-the-Riverside Club?
28:27No, can't say I've ever heard of that either. Where is it?
28:31Oh, well, it's, uh, down by the riverside, isn't it?
28:36It's got a terrible reputation, full of unsavoury characters.
28:39Well, I'm a member.
28:41I beg your pardon?
28:42That's all right, darling. I didn't even hear it.
28:46Didn't even hear it!
28:48Oh, please, God.
28:50Oh, well, fair enough, you get a few unsavoury characters getting there, but we enjoy ourselves.
28:55So do lynch mobs.
28:56Oh, me too. Just there, I'm not going to let you give me a kiss goodnight.
29:00Oh, God.
29:05Here we are.
29:13Night, Rodney.
29:14Night, Emma.
29:17Hey, Rodney.
29:18Clock the houses.
29:19Yeah, nice, eh?
29:21Nice? You've got to be talking 300k.
29:25Gonna be a bit of a culture shock for Cassandra when she drops you off at Nelson Mandela House, hasn't it?
29:31Anyway, I'd better walk it from here, eh? I'll see you, Rodney.
29:35Night, Cassandra.
29:36Goodnight, Emma.
29:37Love you.
29:42Goodnight, mate.
29:44Goodnight, mate.
29:47Look, I'm sorry about Mickey.
29:49Don't be silly. We all have friends who are over the top, shall we say?
29:52Yeah. He's probably still upset about losing his money.
29:55How do you do that?
29:57Well, you remember when I asked you to dance? I did it for a bear.
30:02Well, no, I didn't mean it like that. He said I wouldn't have the guts to ask you, but... well, I did.
30:08I get the feeling that hidden in that statement somewhere there's a compliment.
30:11Yeah. Big compliment.
30:14All right, then. I suppose we'd better be getting you back to... what was it called? The near area state.
30:20I don't live in a near area state.
30:22I thought Mickey said...
30:23Mickey lives on a near area state. I live near it. Well, past it. Well, quite a long way past it.
30:29OK.
30:30OK.
30:40What a lovely road you live in.
30:42Yes, it's quite nice.
30:45Oh, here we are.
30:49You lucky thing. What a great house.
30:52I don't notice it, really. You know, just a place to lay my head.
30:56Oh, good.
30:57My brother got the car home safely.
31:01Well, thanks for the lift, Cassandra.
31:03Pleasure.
31:04Oh, I'll give you my number.
31:08You can give me a ring.
31:10You know, if you like.
31:13Thanks.
31:15Well, good night.
31:17Night.
31:27Good night, Woodney.
31:30Yes, of course.
31:50Please drive away.
31:58Oh, my God.
32:08Hi.
32:10Oh, hi.
32:15Please, Cassandra, go.
32:27Cosmic.
32:57Charles' bloody neck.
33:11Dale.
33:13Dale boy.
33:17Dale.
33:20What do you want to do that for, you soppy old duffer?
33:24Bloody hell, I don't realise me own strength.
33:26It's got nothing to do with your strength.
33:29I was having a few drinks earlier this evening in a very trendy wine bar
33:33with some of my yuppie friends and I happened to fall arse over head.
33:39You're going to do yourself a lot of damage if you ain't careful.
33:42I've already done myself a lot of damage.
33:44I mean, you're not eating. Eating's for wimps.
33:47And you're drinking so much you're falling down in boozers.
33:50I wasn't drinking. In fact, I was on some very trendy, funny-tasting wine with...
33:55Oh, forget it.
33:57I'm getting rid of that rubbish in the kitchen.
33:59Do you want me to chuck anything else down the chute?
34:01Not unless you're feeling in a kamikaze mood.
34:05Why don't you let me do some grub, eh?
34:09Yeah, all right, Uncle. I am feeling a bit hungry.
34:11Do me a health-conscious fry-up, will you?
34:14I don't care what they say, you can't whack the who.
34:30All right?
34:33What?
34:34I'm not sure.
34:35I'm not sure.
34:36I'm not sure.
34:37I'm not sure.
34:38I'm not sure.
34:39I'm not sure.
34:40I'm not sure.
34:41I'm not sure.
34:42What?
34:44I said, all right?
34:47Terrific.
34:50What's it like out?
34:54There's a few spots of rain in the air.
34:57Yeah?
34:58Might help us shift some of those raincoats, mightn't it?
35:01Blimey, that one's shrunk, innit?
35:06Come on, Uncle, let's have idea.
35:08Did you have a good night?
35:10Not too bad.
35:11Yeah, good.
35:13I stayed on at the wine bar.
35:15Serious, very nice.
35:16My sort of place, that, you know?
35:18And then I went on for a drink down by the riverside.
35:21Yeah.
35:22Actually, I...
35:23Reminds me, I met that Mickey Pierce.
35:25He came in, you know, right at the last knockings,
35:27and he told me that you'd met this posh tart,
35:30and she'd given you a lift home in her flash car.
35:33That's right.
35:35Well, she got a convertible.
35:38No.
35:39I asked her to drop me off halfway.
35:41I fancied a walk.
35:42What, in this weather?
35:44Lots of people enjoy walking in the rain.
35:47Yes, I know, but they're usually recaptured very quickly.
35:53Del?
35:54Yeah?
35:55This bottle's empty.
35:56That's all right, it's no problem.
35:57Chuck it in the rubbish.
36:02It's all right, Rodney, you can't hide the truth from me.
36:03I know what happened tonight.
36:05I can read you like a book.
36:06You know nothing, Del, so keep it out.
36:09I know noth... I know...
36:10Right, all right then, my son, come on.
36:12Listen, I've got 20 of notes here.
36:14Look, there they are.
36:15That says that I can guess what happened tonight.
36:18Go on then, you cover that.
36:19All right.
36:20Go on then.
36:21Know all.
36:22Tell me.
36:23All right.
36:25That Mickey Pierce said that this Cassandra sort
36:29lived in a right nice drum.
36:31Yeah, so?
36:33So.
36:34This is what I think happened.
36:37You saw her house and the snob in you came racing to the surface
36:42and you thought, oh, how can I take her back to Nelson Mandela?
36:47How?
36:50So, on your way home, you made her drive up some right posh road,
36:55somewhere like King's Avenue,
36:59and then you stopped at some right nice little mansion
37:02and you pretended that's where you lived.
37:05You do not talk a load of rubbish.
37:07Is that the truth?
37:08Yes.
37:09Thank you very much indeed.
37:12That's it, Rodney, you see.
37:13You're like an open book, my son.
37:15And it's thicker than my filofax.
37:19Double your money.
37:20Try to get rich.
37:26I'll file your bloody facts.
37:28Facts.
37:31Still raining?
37:32No, I took a shortcut through a car wash.
37:35All right, boy, don't have a go at me.
37:37I only asked.
37:39I'll chuck this stuff down a chute.
37:43Hang on.
37:44Dry yourself off.
37:45And don't be ashamed of where you live, Rodney.
37:47Look, I want better than this, but I'm not ashamed of it.
37:50Oh, but, Dil, you should have seen her road.
37:53There weren't one window boarded up.
37:55All the lampposts worked.
37:57I mean, what would she have thought if she'd have come back here, eh?
38:00No, I'd just keep driving straight past the burnt-out panda car, Cassandra,
38:04and I'd live just before the next barricade.
38:07I know how you feel, Rodney.
38:09I've been through the same emotions myself.
38:11You?
38:12Yes, me.
38:13Well, it was about 15, 16 years ago I met this bird and, er...
38:18Yeah, she...
38:19She was from Texas.
38:21What, the dirty self place?
38:28No.
38:29No, Texas in America.
38:31Yeah, er...
38:32Old man was an old baron or something.
38:34She had one of these long, double-barrelled funny names,
38:36like Ellie May or something like that.
38:38Who would you meet an old baron's daughter?
38:41I was working when I was in the Tower of London.
38:43I was doing the old happy snaps, you know.
38:45Secondhand brownie, no film, pound a go, lovely jubbly.
38:48Anyway, she was there, you see,
38:50and she asked me to take a picture of her and the beefeater
38:53and one of these, um...
38:55One of these crow things, right?
38:56So, anyway, I started to chat her up, like, you know,
38:58and I offered to show her around London.
39:01So, anyway, after a little while,
39:04we fell deeply in love with each other.
39:09God, what was her name now?
39:11Anyway, it doesn't matter.
39:13Anyway, you know what she said to me one day?
39:15Where's my picture?
39:20No, she didn't say that, no.
39:21She paid me a very great compliment.
39:24She said when she met me,
39:25it reminded her of the day that President Kennedy died.
39:29And that's the nicest compliment you've ever heard.
39:33Yeah, but don't you see what she meant?
39:35No.
39:36Well, I like to think that she meant that
39:38everyone remembers where they were the day they met Dale Trotter.
39:45She might not have meant that.
39:47What else could she have meant?
39:48Well, I don't know.
39:49Perhaps she meant you look...
39:51Yeah, you look like Lee Harvey Oswald.
39:55I don't look like Lee Harvey bleeding Oswald.
39:58God!
39:59Who's Lee Harvey Oswald?
40:01Well, he's a bloke what shot Kennedy.
40:04You look a bit like him, Dale.
40:05No, I don't.
40:06No, of course you don't.
40:07You look nothing like him.
40:08I'll get your grub.
40:10Yeah.
40:12So, anyway, what's you and Peggy Sue
40:13got to do with me and Cassandra?
40:15Well, she wanted to see where I lived.
40:17And I had the same struggle with my conscience as you've had.
40:20I was frightened if I brought her back here,
40:22she might think less of me.
40:23So you didn't?
40:25No, I did.
40:26When?
40:27Well, it was one Sunday years ago now.
40:30Well, where was I?
40:32You was down at Mountbatten Estate
40:34selling them gas conversion kits.
40:38You bastard!
40:41You sent me all the way down here
40:43knowing I had chicken pox
40:44just so as you and Annie bloody Oakley
40:46could have a flat to yourselves.
40:48No, it wasn't like that, Rodney.
40:49It wasn't like that.
40:50I was trying to present you with a challenge.
40:52What, selling gas conversion kits
40:53on an all-electric estate?
40:54That is a challenging art.
40:57No, it's all right.
40:58Listen, I'll tell you the truth.
41:00All right, so I wanted to get rid of you
41:01for a couple of hours.
41:02I mean, I was...
41:03Well, you know, I was serious about her.
41:04I wanted to make a good impression.
41:06And I just thought,
41:07well, bringing her back to this tower block's bad enough, but...
41:10I mean, she saw you in that dopey shirt
41:12and all them Randolph Scots all over your face.
41:15I mean, that'd be good night Vienna, wouldn't it?
41:17Yeah.
41:19So she come back here?
41:22Yeah.
41:23Gave her a pot of tea
41:25and a Lion's Victoria sponge.
41:30It was very nice.
41:32And did she, you know,
41:34think anything less of you?
41:36I don't know, I never saw her again.
41:39I mean, she went home,
41:40you know, her holiday had finished.
41:42Did she write to you?
41:45God, blimey, look at this,
41:46bucketing down out there.
41:47Look at it, eh?
41:48Here you are, Del Boy.
41:50Oi!
41:51Some little bird phoned me about 15 minutes ago.
41:54I think she'd been on drugs.
41:56She said you left your coat in the back of her car
41:59and she's taken it back to your house in the Kings Avenue.
42:03People there had never heard of you.
42:07You cunning git!
42:08No, no, no!
42:09Give me that money back!
42:10No, no, no!
42:11Stop it!
42:12Stop it!
42:13Now, now, calm down.
42:16You've learnt a very valuable lesson tonight, haven't you?
42:18Don't gamble!
42:20Because you never know when the cards are stacked.
42:22I said, of course they'd never heard of him.
42:24He don't live in the Kings Avenue.
42:26He lives on an irony estate.
42:28You told her where I lived?
42:32Well, bang goes another dream.
42:35No, ain't necessarily so, bruv.
42:36It ain't necessarily so.
42:39So she phoned up,
42:41left her phone number
42:42and said that she'd be there till midnight
42:43so you could phone her back.
42:45You're kidding.
42:46She said she wants to hear from you tonight
42:48because she's going out to Morrick to buy a couple of tickets
42:50for some pop concert.
42:52Mmm.
42:53I bet it's wet, wet, wet.
42:59Yeah, I'll bet.
43:00Ah, cheers, Dil.
43:01Oi, where's your number?
43:02In my file effect.