Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S07 Е05 - He Ain't Heavy, He's My Uncle
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00:00Oh, my God, it's covered.
00:12Oh, so you finally decided to get up, did you?
00:18You still a vegetarian?
00:20Yes.
00:21Pity they didn't make booze out of animals, then maybe you wouldn't get hangover.
00:26Where is everyone?
00:28Well, Raquel's still in bed and Del went to work about six o'clock this morning.
00:32But it's Sunday, don't he ever have a day off?
00:34He's a yappy, isn't he? As he said, the business world never sleeps.
00:40New York Stock Exchange closes, Tokyo opens. Del's got to keep his finger on the pulse.
00:45Oh, terrific. So where's he gone?
00:48Petticoat Lane.
00:51He's got to pick some gear up for a mate.
00:54You ready out there? You were very depressed when you come in last night.
00:59Yeah, well, that might have something to do with the fact that my marriage is in tatters and I lost the best job I ever had.
01:03Well, you're working for Del Boy now, aren't you?
01:05Exactly. Wouldn't you be depressed?
01:07If I'd stayed with Cassandra's dad, I could have been running that firm in a couple of years.
01:11Yeah. But one day Del's going to retire and Trotter's Independent Traders will be all yours.
01:17I know. Bloody hell.
01:21I wish there was something, anything on the horizon that could raise my spirits.
01:25Well, Del and Raquel's baby's going to be born soon.
01:28Oh, God, I'd forgotten about that.
01:31Well, that's a reason for celebration, isn't it?
01:33Well, for you, Del and Raquel, maybe, yeah. But what about me? What chance am I going to have?
01:38Do you realise by the time I'm 45, son of Del will be 16? And that'll be it, won't it? I can hear him now.
01:45I've got a good idea, Uncle Rodney. I'll go and buy a load of old crap and you can go out and sell it for me.
01:52Because, you see, that way, Uncle Rodney, I'll have lots of money and a wide-awake suit and you won't have a pot to piss in.
02:00And the really frightening thing is I'm going to fall for it.
02:04Well, that's stupid. It might not be a boy.
02:06Oh, no. No, it is a boy.
02:09Rosemary's baby was on telly the other night. It's Del and Raquel to a T.
02:14I tell you, in a couple of weeks' time, we will be awoken by the cries of our own Bonnie Bouncing Antichrist.
02:21They're bound to call it Damien, you know.
02:24They were thinking of calling it Rodney.
02:26Rodney? Poor little sod.
02:31Morning.
02:32Morning.
02:33Oh, hello, love. Del's not back yet. Do you fancy a cup of tea?
02:36Oh, please, Albert.
02:37Right.
02:38Oh, sorry. I feel exhausted. He was moving around all night long.
02:43Yeah, he's always the same after a curry.
02:48The baby.
02:49Sorry.
02:51Hey!
02:53Oh, horsey.
02:54The old creature from the Black Lagoon has risen from its pit, I see.
02:57Adele, that's no way to talk to the mother of your child.
03:01Watch it, Rodney.
03:02You all right, sweetheart?
03:03Yeah, I'm OK.
03:04Right, Nanny, guess what I've got here.
03:05No, go on.
03:08Wigs.
03:10You know that Mustafa from the Bangladeshi Butchers down the road?
03:15Right, well, his nephew works in a top London West End wig makers.
03:19Now, according to Wim, they do all the top stars.
03:23They do, you know, Jane Fonda, Sophia Loren, Anita Dobson.
03:27Oh, yeah. The lot.
03:29And he gets these at 25% of the retail price.
03:3325% of the retail price?
03:35That's right. It's a concession to employees.
03:37And I've sold them all.
03:39All the old tarts down in AgZ have been waiting weeks for these to come in.
03:43I've been inundated with advanced orders.
03:45So you're back, Adele. Fancy a bit of breakfast?
03:48Yes.
03:49Make me a non-vegetarian bacon sandwich, will you, Al?
03:54What are you doing today, then, Rodney?
03:56Eh? Greenpeace rally?
03:58Releasing a few nut cutlets, or what?
04:02Adele, just because I've become concerned about the welfare of our planet,
04:05there's no need to take the rise out of me.
04:07Ever since you've become a vegetarian, you've become a right miserable git.
04:10There's nothing wrong with being vegetarian, Del.
04:13No, that's right.
04:14One in five people in this country now refuse to eat meat.
04:17Mickey Pierce is a vegetarian.
04:19It's only because he got the sack from the world of leather.
04:24A bloke needs a bit of stodge and fat to solid things up.
04:29Any doctor will tell you that.
04:30All this carrots and cabbage cobblers.
04:32No wonder you're so depressed.
04:34You've got to pick yourself up and look around all the things you've got in life.
04:37You name me one thing that I, not you, me, Rodney Trotter, has got to look forward to.
04:42You taking Cassandra to Hampton Court this afternoon?
04:45Oh, cosmic.
04:47The castle and the maze, yeah.
04:49I just love looking at old suits of armour then getting lost, don't I?
04:53Oh, shut up, you miserable little tart.
04:55I am depressed because of the state of my life at the moment.
04:58I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation,
05:02knowing my luck, I'll come back as me.
05:13Hey, Trigger.
05:14See if you can find out what's the name in the baby, will you?
05:17Why?
05:18Why?
05:19Because I'm not allowed to go in for my own competition, that's why.
05:22But I'll let you enter and then we'll go halves on the winnings.
05:25Leave it to me, Mike.
05:26Mike.
05:31All right, Dave?
05:35All right, Tre.
05:36Have they thought of a name for the baby yet?
05:39Yeah, well, if it's a girl, Phil wants to call it Sigourney,
05:42after the actress Sigourney Weaver.
05:44And what if it's a boy?
05:46Well, if it's a boy, he wants to call it Rodney.
05:49Yeah?
05:50Who after?
05:57After me, Tre.
05:59Oh.
06:06Hi, Dale.
06:07Hi, Tre.
06:10Hey, all right, girls?
06:11Yeah, got them wigs you ordered.
06:13Albert's bringing them in from the back.
06:15Son.
06:16What?
06:18What name have they decided on?
06:20If it's a girl, they're calling her Sigourney, after an actress.
06:24And if it's a boy, they're naming him Rodney, after Dave.
06:31Brilliant, Tre.
06:33Albert, come here.
06:35Just put that box down here next to Rodney for a minute, will you?
06:38All right?
06:39So how'd your day out with Cassandra go?
06:41Don't ask, all right? Just do not ask.
06:43All right, but what happened?
06:45All right, I'll tell you.
06:47Cassandra told me it is all over between us.
06:50What?
06:51Me and Cassandra are no longer an item.
06:53Me and Cassandra are no more.
06:55Me and Cassandra are finito.
06:58I just don't understand her any more.
07:00Oh, I know the feeling, son.
07:02Yeah, well, when you and Cassandra first met, what was her big attraction?
07:07I don't know.
07:08Lust, I suppose.
07:10No, she struck me as that sort.
07:14I was talking about me.
07:17I know you were. I was just trying to have a little joke with you.
07:20Yeah, well, I ain't no joke either.
07:22All right, Rodney, how'd you get on at Hampton Court?
07:24I don't want to talk about it.
07:26Why, what happened?
07:27Cassandra gave me the elbow in the maze.
07:29Oh, that sounds painful.
07:31Gave you the elbow in the maze.
07:33Oh, come on, cheer up, Rodney. There's plenty more fishing to see you now.
07:36It's not as simple as that, Dale.
07:38The girl left a mark on me.
07:40Yeah, so did your smallpox jab.
07:42This is none of my business, Rodney, and you can tell me to keep me nose out if you like.
07:46Keep your nose out, mate.
07:47Look, I was married once, mate. I know what it's like. I know what you're going through, mate.
07:50No, you listen to the man, Rodney. His wife chucked him in years ago.
07:53Yeah, you don't want to take too much notice of things that are said in the heat of an argument.
07:57She said I refused to adapt to married life.
08:00Said I always wanted to carry on doing the same things I'd always done.
08:03Yeah, and what did you say to that?
08:05Well, I said I don't want to discuss it, Cassandra. I'm going down the next edge.
08:09I remember me and my missus.
08:11I had 18 blissfully happy years.
08:13And then I met her.
08:15Yeah.
08:19Did you find your way out the maze all right, Dave?
08:25No, I'm still in there, Tree.
08:29I couldn't find my way out of there once.
08:31You couldn't find your way in there once.
08:34I was with this bird. We had a right row.
08:37She wanted to go to the left, and I wanted to go to the right.
08:41No, I tell a lie.
08:43She wanted to go to the right, and I wanted to go to the...
08:45Trigger!
08:47Me and Cassandra are intelligent people, right?
08:49We do not have rows about, which is the quickest way out of a maze.
08:54God, I've never felt so depressed in all me life.
08:56It's all right, all right. Now, come on, Rodney, don't be like that.
08:59No, I just want to be left alone.
09:00No, no, Rodney, sit down, sit down. That's the worst thing you can...
09:04At moments like this, you need people around you.
09:07Well, I just say stupid things about lust and mazes.
09:10Never give up on people, Rodney.
09:13I know sometimes I don't seem to understand,
09:15but when you're in trouble and you cry out for help,
09:18that's when it's important.
09:19I mean, you take, well, Trigger's cousin Cyril.
09:22Now, he had, what?
09:23Well, he owed 500 quid or something on his mortgage, didn't he, Trigger?
09:25Yeah. He was going to be thrown out on the street the following day.
09:28He was very worried about it.
09:30What happened then, Trigger?
09:31He drove out of Beachy Head.
09:33He parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.
09:36No. What? He was going to drive off here?
09:38Yeah. He just sat there for two hours, his head resting on a steering wheel.
09:44People tried to talk him out of it, but he was too depressed to listen.
09:47And this is the thing, Rodney. This is what I mean about people.
09:50You see, cos those people there, they had a whip round,
09:53and they got him his 500 quid.
09:57Who rode the whip round?
09:58All the passengers on his bus.
10:01You see, Rodney, there's always something to look forward to.
10:04You've just got to be patient, bruv, that's all.
10:06In the meantime, see if you can flog some of them syrups.
10:08Mike, do us a chip sandwich, will you?
10:10Yeah. Do you want the sauce on it, Del?
10:12Yes, please.
10:13Brown or red?
10:14Yeah, both.
10:17Del?
10:18Yeah?
10:19These wigs...
10:21Did your contacts say anything about the Jean Shrimpton style or the Urchindle?
10:25No.
10:26Did your contacts say anything about the Jean Shrimpton style or the Urchindle?
10:30No. He just said there was wigs, that was all.
10:37You were right, Del. He's cheered up already.
10:45What are you laughing at?
10:48I don't know.
10:56Oh, hurry up, Mustapha.
10:59You'll still be out of Salem, Del. How?
11:02I don't know. He who dares wins.
11:09Don't give me all that, old pony.
11:11Oh, hello. Is that the mosque?
11:14I don't believe it. He's phoned a mosque.
11:17Yeah, I want to speak to Mustapha about them syrups he flogged me.
11:21Oh, is he?
11:22Well, you better tell him when he's finished praying, he better go in for another one.
11:27Because when I get hold of him, he's going to need all the help he can get.
11:30Dear.
11:32I was going to flog him all those Ookie Cat Stephen LPs.
11:36He's going to forget all that, I tell you.
11:38What's all the shouting?
11:40Del's had a bit of trouble with them wigs he bought.
11:42What sort of trouble?
11:44Oh, they're blokes' wigs.
11:46Blokes?
11:48Yes, they're men's syrups.
11:51This is not funny, Rodney.
11:53All right, Del, all right. Keep your hair on.
11:58Don't you start, sweetheart.
12:01Now I'm going to get rid of these things, look.
12:03A lot of bald blokes come out of that building in Arnold Road.
12:06That's the Hare Krishna temple.
12:11Here, look at all this stuff.
12:12Look, here, look. We've even got men's ponytails here, look.
12:17All right, I'll tell you what, Rodney.
12:18I will handle the telephone sales campaign,
12:21and you will go round the pubs and see if you can flog a few there.
12:25In the pub?
12:27How am I supposed to go up to a bald bloke in a pub and say,
12:29do you want to buy a wig?
12:30I'll get my face smashed in.
12:33Well, either improve your sales technique or learn to duck.
12:37Hello, Gordon.
12:38Hello.
12:39It's Del Boy.
12:41How's it going, pal?
12:43Kushti.
12:44Listen, Gordon, are you still bald?
12:49The isle has now spread over nearly 10,000 square miles of water
12:52and polluted over 700 miles of shoreline.
12:55The estimated hundreds of thousands of bird casualties
12:58include bald eagles like this one.
13:00It's disgusting, isn't it?
13:01Yeah, they shouldn't put things on about dead animals
13:03when you're about to have your supper.
13:06Oi!
13:07I wasn't talking about the timing of the bloody programme.
13:10I was talking about the damage that we have done to our planet.
13:13I mean, what are we going to leave for the future generations, eh?
13:16For all the little kiddies in the infant schools?
13:18For the unborn millions?
13:20What, like Del and Raquel Nibber?
13:22No, I wasn't actually thinking of them.
13:25I mean, kids with three sixes on their heads don't count, do they?
13:29Oh, all right, Del.
13:30There's a fresh pot of tea on the table.
13:32Oh, right.
13:33Cheers, huh?
13:34I'll get myself a cup.
13:35Here, I've just been down to Raquel's antenatal classes.
13:37Yeah?
13:38Yeah.
13:39Oh, dear.
13:40Full of pregnant women, it was.
13:43Everywhere you turned, there was lumps and things.
13:45Why did you have to go down there?
13:47Well, it's to get us ready for when we go into labour.
13:50Showed us films on how it all happens.
13:54We've already got some of them in there.
14:02Not those sort of films!
14:05Films about the birth and that.
14:08It's a miracle, it is.
14:10It is.
14:11It's a 42-carat miracle.
14:14Made some of the blokes feel quite ill.
14:17I was all right because I used to run a Jelly Deal store.
14:24So, what have you got to do?
14:26You know, when it happens.
14:28Well, basically, I've got to keep on me toes, right?
14:30Make sure the old Capri gear is running smoothly
14:32so I can whip Raquel down to the maternity unit a bit lively.
14:37But the most important thing a father can do for the woman
14:40is to show consideration
14:43and understanding
14:45and patience
14:47and love.
14:49Well, as luck would have it, I happen to be like that anyway.
14:54It doesn't do any harm to be reminded.
14:57So, where is Raquel?
14:58Well, the lifts are broken again.
15:00She's not as lively on her feet as she used to be.
15:03So, how many of those wigs have you sold this week, Rodney?
15:05Well, roughly, none.
15:08God, dear.
15:09Well, I sold two today.
15:11You're kidding.
15:12I met this woman down the market.
15:14Her and her husband, like, they work up in the hospital
15:16and apparently he's been wearing a syrup for years.
15:19But last week, the cat got hold of it.
15:22So, anyway, she bought one as a surprise for him
15:25and then I went off to the nag's head
15:27and I sold two.
15:29So, I got her in
15:30and then I went off to the nag's head
15:32and sold one to Trigger.
15:38He's got air.
15:39Yeah, I know that, but he said he wanted one for an emergency.
15:44Oh, there you are, sweetheart.
15:45Ah, there you are.
15:46Come on, sit yourself down.
15:48No, I'll get a change out of these first.
15:50You sure? All right.
15:51I'll get you a cup of tea.
15:52There you go.
15:54So, how did the antenatal class go?
15:56It's the last time I take him along.
15:58At the end of the class,
15:59the doctor asked if there were any questions.
16:01Dale put his hand up and said,
16:03what time do the pubs close round here?
16:06Oh, that's typical, Dale, isn't it?
16:08I mean, the world is dying
16:09and he's worried about last orders.
16:11What's up, Rodney?
16:12He's been watching a green programme.
16:14They were cutting a few trees down in South America.
16:17Oh, so Stingy has got the ant, has he?
16:19Dale, when are people going to realise
16:21that we do not own this planet,
16:23we are merely the leaseholders?
16:25It is our duty to maintain our world.
16:28But what are we doing, eh?
16:29We are suffocating the forest with carbon monoxide
16:32and that is causing the polar ice cap to melt,
16:34which means that the oceans will rise
16:36and the Thames will flood, like permanently.
16:39But we've still got the Thames barrier.
16:41That's not going to do a lot of good
16:42under 15 foot of water, is it?
16:44I mean, places like Deptford and Greenwich
16:46will be submerged forever.
16:48That'd be handy for us, though, wouldn't it?
16:51What do you mean?
16:52Well, because when we come to sell this flat,
16:54we can advertise it as having sea views.
16:57What a ridiculous thing to say!
17:00All right, Rodney, come on.
17:02What is it?
17:03What's really bothering you?
17:06Well, there are so many things worrying me.
17:09You know, I mean,
17:10the polar cap is melting,
17:12the continental shells are shifting,
17:14the rainforest is dying,
17:15the sea is being poisoned
17:18and I haven't had a bit for months.
17:21Ha, ha, ha!
17:24Now that is what it's really about, isn't it, eh?
17:28You ought to think about that poor old git there.
17:34Last time he had his leg over,
17:36Nelson Mandela was in Ballstall.
17:41Derek, please, for once in your life,
17:44could you try and take something seriously?
17:47What's wrong?
17:48Rodney ain't had a bit for months.
17:55Oh.
18:00Blimey, the things you learn.
18:02Do you realise if all my veins and arteries
18:04were stretched out in a line,
18:06they'd circle the world twice?
18:11I'd like to try that one day.
18:13I'd like to try that one day.
18:17Where's Raquel?
18:18She's, er, had a bit of a twinge,
18:20so she's lying down.
18:23All right.
18:24Mmm.
18:25That and that, Rodney.
18:26I reckon we'll have a right result with these syrups.
18:29Guess who I bumped into today?
18:31Tully Savalas?
18:34No.
18:35I bumped into that moosh, Stephen.
18:37You know, the one who used to be Cassandra's boss at the bank.
18:39The one that you smacked in the nose.
18:41Oh, him.
18:42Yeah, him.
18:43Anyway, I bumped into him down a market today,
18:45and never guess what, he's got one of them ponytails,
18:48and he's, yeah.
18:49Yeah, and I said to him, I said,
18:51I said, Oi, helmet, I said.
18:53What are you doing with that Davy Crockett hat on?
18:56I said, just to break the ice.
18:58Apparently, they're all the fashion up in the city.
19:00Yeah, all the yuppies are wearing them.
19:02They look shimmy on men.
19:04Today, the sophisticated, intelligent young men
19:06don't mind making prats of themselves,
19:08because it attracts the sophisticated, intelligent young ladies.
19:11Well, I can't see what the attraction is.
19:13No, that's because you're a geezer, innit?
19:15But if you were a career woman,
19:16you'd get the hops for those things.
19:18Yeah, and they don't need batteries.
19:22No, we're going to make a fortune on them, Rodders.
19:25Hello, darling, you all right?
19:26Yeah, yeah, I'm OK now.
19:28What do you think of Aaron?
19:29Sorry?
19:30I've been reading the baby's name book.
19:32Aaron Trotter.
19:34Nah, kids at school will nickname him G-String.
19:37Aaron G-String, get it?
19:40Yes, unfortunately.
19:41Have you got off the name of Rodney?
19:43Yeah.
19:44Thank God.
19:47Troy.
19:49Troy Trotter?
19:51I don't think so.
19:53Why don't you just call him Damien, eh?
19:57Damien?
19:59That's nice.
20:01No, no, it's just joking, isn't it?
20:04Damien Trotter.
20:06That's got a sort of ring to it, that.
20:07No, I was just having a wind-up, that's all.
20:10Why don't you call it Derek?
20:12Yes, yes, yeah.
20:14Damien Derek Trotter.
20:17You can't call him that.
20:18His initials are B-D-D-T.
20:23What?
20:24There'll be no flies on him then, will there?
20:27No, I don't.
20:28When I said Damien, right, I was just having a look.
20:30What?
20:31I'm not getting it.
20:36Troy's Independent Traders.
20:39Oh, it's you, Cassandra.
20:41And what can I do for you?
20:45And what exactly do you want to see me about?
20:49Yeah, well, I'll pop round and see you.
20:52Well, next week, next month, who knows?
20:54Thank you for calling. Bye-bye.
21:04Wasn't very friendly, was it?
21:05Let people know where they stand, that's my motto.
21:08Cassandra seems to think all she has to do is whistle and I'll come running.
21:12Well, the least you could do is to ask how she was.
21:14I'll handle this my way, Derek. Thank you.
21:22Well, I think I'll pop round and see how Cassandra is.
21:26Yes, yeah, that's it, bruv.
21:27You made her wait long enough.
21:36PHONE RINGS
21:45Hello.
21:46Hi.
21:47Why didn't you use your front door key?
21:49Don't know. It didn't seem right, so I left.
21:52Oh, come in.
22:06What'll you have a drink?
22:07Oh, nothing alcoholic, thanks. I've cleaned my act up.
22:11Good.
22:12Coffee will be fine.
22:15So, how are things with the parents-to-be?
22:19Oh, well, you know, Nelson Mandela House is on Amber Alert.
22:25They're all just sitting there, you know, waiting for the second coming of the Prince of Darkness.
22:30I said to Del, you know, you're going to have trouble getting that kid's shoes,
22:33cos mother care don't cater for cloven hooves.
22:36Poor baby.
22:37Yeah, poor baby, nothing.
22:41All the ancient prophecies are coming true, you know.
22:43The satanic forces are gathering in the skies above Peck,
22:46Raquel's looking more like Mia Farrow every day.
22:50So, what have you been up to, Ned? Anything exciting?
22:53Not really. I saw Stephen today.
22:56Oh, yeah?
22:57Do you remember Stephen?
22:58Do you remember Stephen? He used to work at my branch.
23:00Yeah.
23:02He's been moved up to head office.
23:04Cosmic.
23:06Do you remember you used to call him a Wally?
23:08Yeah.
23:09I think you were right.
23:11Was I?
23:12You'll never guess.
23:14He's only got one of those silly little ponytails.
23:21What, a Wally?
23:22Looks like he's wearing a Davy Crockett hat.
23:26Yeah.
23:28I thought that was all the fashion, though.
23:30Yeah, amongst lame bros.
23:37Ow!
23:40Oh, nothing.
23:42Are you okay?
23:43Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
23:50Well, it's a nice Sunday, wasn't it?
23:53Well, apart from the rail we had in the maze.
23:56Yeah.
23:58I was right, though, wasn't I?
24:00My way out was quickest.
24:02Well, I don't think so, actually, cos I had a look at a map of the maze when I got home and I found...
24:07Yeah, yeah, I suppose.
24:09Sorry, is that what you wanted to see me about?
24:11To discuss the quickest way out of Hampton Court Maze?
24:14No, no.
24:16I wanted to discuss us and what's happening to us.
24:19Mummy and Daddy, well, Mummy really, insisted that I saw our solicitor for advice.
24:26Getting that heavy, is it?
24:28No, it's not getting heavy.
24:30It was just for advice, that's all.
24:32And what did your solicitor advise?
24:35Take the git for every penny he's got, I suppose?
24:38Well, don't expect a cheque from me, Kes.
24:40If you want half my estate, you can have it on a postal order.
24:43He didn't say anything like that.
24:45He advised us to talk.
24:47Talk? That's what causes a rouse.
24:49That's what I said.
24:51But he advised us to try and find out why we argue every time we speak.
24:55And what did you tell him?
24:56It was my fault, I suppose?
24:58No, I didn't.
25:00I said we were both to blame.
25:02He asked whether we considered adding to our numbers.
25:05Something to concentrate both our attentions.
25:09What, a baby?
25:11No, a dog.
25:14I don't think a baby would be a good career move.
25:17Yeah, but I don't like dogs.
25:19Well, I don't mind them, it's just when I was little, I got bitten by a Jack Russell.
25:24And a sausage dog.
25:26Sort of mouth poodle thing.
25:29Well, dogs just sort of bite me.
25:31It's an instinct.
25:33How about a cat?
25:34No, I'm allergic.
25:35I come out in a rash.
25:36How about a parrot?
25:38No, they take so much looking after.
25:41A gerbil?
25:42No.
25:43No, I can't stand furry little things that run around.
25:45Make me go all funny.
25:47So, we're looking for something that don't take too much looking after,
25:50isn't going to run around a lot and don't bring you out in a rash.
25:53Yeah.
25:55How about a tin of salmon?
26:00Don't get sarcastic, Roddy.
26:03We could give it a name, Rex or something.
26:07Then we could take it to the vet for its injections.
26:11And we could, you know, put a bit of string round it, take it for a walk every evening.
26:16And it wouldn't take much training, would it?
26:17We could just threaten it with a tin opener.
26:20See what I mean?
26:21We tried to talk and you've just gone ridiculous again.
26:24It was just because you put an obstacle in front of every good idea.
26:27I was perfectly happy with the dog.
26:29Just because you've been bitten three or four times, you dismiss the idea.
26:32All right, let's get a dog.
26:34Let's get a Doberman.
26:36Let the sod rip me limbs off and drink me blood.
26:38I don't care as long as you're happy.
26:40At this moment in time, that would make me ecstatic, wouldn't it?
26:44Right, fine.
26:46I'm going down an exit.
26:47I'm going down an exit.
26:48I'm going down an exit.
26:52Look, Kess.
26:55We really ought to try harder to make this work.
26:58If not for us, then...
27:00...for our tin of salmon.
27:04I'll phone you.
27:06All right.
27:10Ah! Ah!
27:12Ah! My chin!
27:14It's a mouse!
27:15It's a mouse?
27:16How should I know? Get rid of it!
27:18All right, all right.
27:19Just stay cool.
27:24It's not a mouse.
27:25Well, what is it then?
27:27It's the...
27:31It's a rat.
27:32Ah!
27:33Now, shush! Shush!
27:34You're frightening!
27:35Get rid of it, Roddy, please!
27:37Okay, okay.
27:39You sure you don't want to keep it as a pet?
27:40Oh, get rid of it!
27:42All right.
27:43Do you want a broom to hit it with?
27:44No, it's all right.
27:46I've got my hands.
27:50Gotcha!
27:52Now then, he's a strong one!
27:55He's struggling, look!
27:59You sure you don't want to keep it as a pet?
28:01Roddy!
28:02It's all right, I've got it.
28:04Out of the way!
28:10I threw it out the landing window.
28:12I think I killed it.
28:14Oh!
28:15Oh, Roddy!
28:17It's all right, it's all right.
28:20I'm here.
28:37Oh, no!
28:38My wig's going bald!
28:42Well, this is going to take a bit of creative salesmanship,
28:44this, isn't it?
28:46I know, I know what I'll say.
28:47I'll say it's the Bruce Willis look.
28:49Yeah.
28:51During a war.
28:52Dale, we'd better go.
28:54Yes, I think you're right.
28:55Good night, Albert, good night.
28:56Not to bed, to the hospital.
28:58It's started.
28:59Are you sure?
29:00Yes, I've been timing the contractions.
29:02We'd better go.
29:03The baby's on its way!
29:04Do something, Dale!
29:05Don't just sit there!
29:06Calm down, calm down.
29:07What are we going to do?
29:08Calm down.
29:09Call someone!
29:10There's a baby on its way!
29:12Calm down.
29:13Calm down.
29:14And listen to me.
29:15Now, I want you to go into my bedroom,
29:16you'll find a Leather Look flight bag.
29:18It contains all of Raquel's hospital things.
29:20You go and get it,
29:21take it downstairs to my cat, Pre-Gear.
29:23All right?
29:24All right, Dale.
29:25I'll go and get it.
29:26What's it look like?
29:27Well, it looks like a fridge.
29:29It's a bag, isn't it, you old dick?
29:31Now, go off!
29:32Aye, aye, Dale.
29:33Leave it at me.
29:34All right, sweetheart, all right.
29:35All right, nice and calm.
29:36Nice and calm.
29:37Nice and calm, like they showed us in the hospital, eh?
29:39OK.
29:40All right, Albert, where are you?
29:41Hurry up!
29:44PHONE RINGS
29:51Hello?
29:52Yes, Cassandra, it's Dale boy.
29:54Oh, what do you want, Dale?
29:56It's 11.30.
29:57I'm sorry to wake you, sweetheart.
29:58Come on, get down there.
29:59I just, I'm trying to find Rodney.
30:01Oh, Rodney.
30:02Oh, he was here earlier,
30:03but he left about an hour ago.
30:05What's wrong?
30:06It's nothing.
30:07It's just that Raquel,
30:08Raquel's going to give birth to our baby.
30:10Have the labour pains started?
30:12Yeah.
30:13Oh, you'll phone me as soon as the baby's born, won't you?
30:16Yes, of course I will, sweetheart.
30:18It's just that I wanted Rodney to be there.
30:20Here, sweetheart, I'll take your coat.
30:22Listen, I'll give you a bell as soon as I get some news.
30:25Bonjour.
30:26OK, and give Raquel my love.
30:28Tell her I'll be in to see her soon.
30:30Yes, I will.
30:31And give Rodney a nudge
30:32and tell him to get his arse down the hospital.
30:34All right, Dale.
30:37Oh, I want you with me.
30:39Oh, that's ridiculous.
30:40Never heard of the uncle being at a birth before.
30:42He doesn't want you in the delivery room.
30:44Just at the hospital with him.
30:45No, you don't know him like I do.
30:47He'll have me holding a leg in the air or something.
30:49I'll get your clothes.
30:52OK, so I'm coming for you.
30:54Here's your trousers.
30:57Oh, God, it's a full moon.
31:00Son of Dale is being born on a full moon.
31:03I knew it.
31:04I bloody knew it.
31:06A couple of hours from now,
31:07you won't be able to sleep for the sound of howling.
31:09Oh, don't be so silly.
31:10Now, where are the keys to the van?
31:12Oh, where's me crucifix?
31:13That's what I want to know.
31:19Oh, look, Rodney.
31:20It's that rat you killed earlier.
31:22Doesn't it look like a clip-on ponytail
31:24when you get close up?
31:26Oh, now, listen.
31:28I never said it was a rat.
31:29You liar.
31:30No, I said it looked like a rat.
31:32And it did, didn't it?
31:34I mean, you thought it was a mouse.
31:36Where'd you get it from?
31:37I was going to wear it as a joke.
31:39Must have fallen out me pocket.
31:41I could report you to the police.
31:43You took advantage of me twice.
31:46I know.
31:48If the case goes to court,
31:49would you say three times?
31:50You're lucky you're on your way to the hospital.
31:52It'll save the ambulance a journey.
31:54Oh, now, come on, Cass.
31:55Pack it in.
31:56I've got a brother about to give birth.
32:02Right, sweetheart.
32:03The nurse has gone to get the delivery team.
32:05You've had your enema.
32:07Everything's going according to plan.
32:08You're going to stay here, aren't you, dear?
32:10Don't go running off and leaving me.
32:11No, I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart.
32:12I'm staying here with you.
32:25Are those the specialists, Woodley?
32:28No, they just come back from a fancy dress party.
32:30Those are the specialists.
32:32All right?
32:33Good.
32:35Who is it, friend or enema?
32:38Friend or enema?
32:40Shut up, Del.
32:42Yeah, shut up, Del.
32:43It's all right, Don.
32:44I'll go and see what it is.
32:45You stay there, all right?
32:47Oh, yeah.
32:48The specialists are on their way, Del Boy.
32:49Thanks, hun.
32:50You go and sit down there.
32:51Go on.
32:52Go on.
32:53That's it.
32:54Woodley, are you here now?
32:55Yeah, here they come.
32:56That's it.
32:58Oh, excuse me, excuse me, John.
32:59We're having a baby in here.
33:00That's why I'm here.
33:02What are you, a perv, I was shunning?
33:04This is Mr. McCullum.
33:05He's the midwife.
33:07Peter, no.
33:08I'm a trained midwife.
33:10Now, please, get out of my way.
33:11Just let him do his job, Del.
33:13No, he's a bloke.
33:14I don't care if he's a trained chimp.
33:15Get out of his way.
33:18All right, all right, go on.
33:19Why, you just watch it, though, will you, please?
33:21Calm down, calm down.
33:22Remember your blood pressure.
33:23How are you feeling, Raquel?
33:24Not too bad at the moment.
33:26Have we timed the contractions?
33:27Three minutes.
33:28Is that good?
33:29Yes, that's good.
33:30Cushed it.
33:31Would you set the monitor up?
33:32Nurse, the gas and air.
33:35What's that thing for?
33:36It monitors the baby's heartbeat.
33:38Oh.
33:39Lovely jubbly.
33:45It's going to be a boy, I know it is.
33:47Can't be sure of anything, son.
33:49No, it's a boy.
33:52Mars and something else have come into conjunction
33:55and decided that he
33:58he
33:59will be born in Peckham.
34:03I've got the baby's heartbeat.
34:04I've got the baby's heartbeat.
34:06Half an hour's time,
34:07we'll have the bestest knees up our family's ever known.
34:10Is everything all right, Del?
34:11Yes, son, everything's absolutely fine.
34:12The baby's fine.
34:13Raquel is fine.
34:1548 hours time,
34:16we'll be going back to our flat
34:17with another addition to the Trotter family.
34:19Oi, Del.
34:20They said anything about the sex?
34:22Oh, give her time, Rodney.
34:25Mum?
34:28Mum?
34:43How much longer is he going to take?
34:45It's all right, sweetheart, all right.
34:46He'll take as long as he needs to take.
34:49He wants to make sure that he gets everything just right.
34:52Doesn't he?
34:53Because he's a perfectionist.
34:55Like his dad.
34:56I was talking about the midwife.
34:58Oh, I see.
34:59Oi, you, pal.
35:00How much longer is this going to take?
35:02Nature will run its course, Mr Trotter.
35:04When baby's ready to put in an appearance,
35:06he'll let us know.
35:08Push, Raquel!
35:09Push as hard as you can!
35:12Give it everything you've got, girl!
35:17Don't you ever come near me again, Trotter!
35:20There's no need to be like that, sweetheart.
35:23I suppose we're all like this, aren't we?
35:25No.
35:27Come on, get the guests in here.
35:41Raquel.
35:42Raquel, I can see his head.
35:43I can see his head.
35:45He's got a full head of hair.
35:50Some bloody spiff.
35:55I'll, er...
35:57scrub up.
36:22That's it.
36:23That's it.
36:24And another one.
36:29Come on, Raquel.
36:30Give it some welly, girl.
36:33OK, relax.
36:34It shouldn't be too long now, Raquel.
36:36The contractions are becoming more frequent.
36:37I know.
36:38I'm the one having the contractions.
36:39Would you let go of my leg, Del?
36:43Would you like some gas in here?
36:44No, thank you.
36:49Eat up, eat up.
36:50Eat, eat up.
36:53It's good stuff, this.
36:56Better not tell Rodney about it.
36:58Oh, no.
36:59Here's another one.
37:00Push hard.
37:01There's a good girl.
37:02Del, can I hold your hand?
37:03Yes, yes.
37:04Go, sweetheart.
37:05Go on.
37:07Push.
37:08Steady on, Raquel.
37:09Steady on.
37:24Ah!
37:30Did that hurt, Del?
37:32Yes, it did a bit, sweetheart.
37:33Now you know what it's bloody well like.
37:37This giving birth ain't all that it's cracked up to be, is it?
37:41Breathe easily, Raquel.
37:45Breathe easily.
37:46Breathe easily, Raquel.
37:51Look at his head.
37:53Raquel, I can see his head.
37:55That's very good.
37:56The head's in position.
37:57I can see his head.
37:58I can see his head, Raquel.
37:59I can see his...
38:02Look at his pelvis.
38:03I can see his head.
38:05That's weird.
38:06Is it, you know, normal?
38:09No, what do you mean normal?
38:10Of course it's normal.
38:11I mean, it's just a head.
38:13You don't have any sort of numbers on it.
38:16Numbers?
38:17What are you talking about, Rodney?
38:18What do you think this is, a bloody raffle?
38:21Ah!
38:23Sit, Raquel.
38:24Push, push.
38:27There we are.
38:28The head's out.
38:29Relax now.
38:30Just relax for a minute.
38:34Raquel, go on.
38:35Oh, Jesus Christ.
38:37He's got a little nose.
38:38He's got a little nose.
38:40He's got little ears.
38:42He's got little ears.
38:43Come on now.
38:44One more push.
38:46Ah!
38:50Ah!
38:58That's it, then.
39:00It's all over.
39:04Well, that's my answer.
39:06Don't you want to see the baby?
39:07No, I'm not fast.
39:08I can see it tomorrow, can't I?
39:10Joe won't like it if you go.
39:12It's important to him that you stay here, Rodney.
39:16Yeah.
39:21Aw!
39:32It's a baby, Raquel.
39:36I've been wondering what that swelling was.
39:39We got ourselves a lovely little baby.
39:42I know.
39:44I love you.
39:46I love you too, sweetheart.
39:48I love you too, sweetheart.
39:55They done it.
39:57You only bloody done it.
40:00Congratulations, son.
40:02What is it, Dad?
40:04It's a little baby, Rodney.
40:07Is it a boy or a girl?
40:10Hang on.
40:14Is it a boy or a girl?
40:18Oh.
40:20It's a boy.
40:23I'll tell you what.
40:25He won't be frightened to get changed in the showers.
40:30It's a boy!
40:42Well, Mr Trotter, if he keeps you awake at night,
40:44don't bring him back to us.
40:45No, thanks, sister.
40:47Keep me awake as long as he likes.
40:49Thanks, Doc.
40:51My pleasure.
40:52And, uh, sorry about this.
40:54Oh, that's all right.
40:55Here, listen.
40:56If you like, I can get you a real good'un.
40:57They normally retail 100 quid up west.
40:59To you, nothing.
41:00No, really.
41:01I don't think I'll bother anymore.
41:02Congratulations.
41:03Thanks very much.
41:05Yeah.
41:06Oh, he's gorgeous.
41:07Yeah.
41:08Look at that little face.
41:10Yeah.
41:11You ought to look down there.
41:13He's got no worries.
41:15You say so, Del.
41:17Yes.
41:18I'll bet you wouldn't say no to a cup of tea.
41:20Yeah, not half.
41:22Would you like one, love?
41:24Yes.
41:25Yeah, Raquel, one and all, will you, sweetheart?
41:27Thanks.
41:29Yeah.
41:31Yeah.
41:33I'll get Rodney and Albert.
41:34Yeah.
41:37Rodney.
41:38Albert, come, come.
41:39Come.
41:40Cover yourself up, sweetheart.
41:41You won't catch cold.
41:44Here you are, love.
41:45Now then.
41:47Here you are.
41:48Give it to me, sweetheart.
41:50Come on, then.
41:51Come on.
41:52Look.
41:53Give me him.
41:54There he is.
41:55Rodney.
41:56Albert.
41:58Let me introduce you to Damien.
42:09Come here, come here.
42:10Yeah.
42:12Thanks.
42:14Got your eyes, Del.
42:15Yeah.
42:16Yeah.
42:18You want to see him down there?
42:21Yeah.
42:22Come on, you come with me for a minute.
42:23Come on.
42:24There's your good boy.
42:36There you are, Mum.
42:38I know you can see us.
42:39There he is.
42:41There he is, look.
42:42Your first grandchild.
42:44And last.
42:46And last.
42:49Oh, you are such a lucky little boy.
42:53You really are.
42:56You've got a mummy and daddy who think you're the most precious thing in the whole wide world.
43:02You've got a lovely family around you.
43:04You have.
43:06You have, look.
43:07See there?
43:08You've got your Uncle Rodney there to play with.
43:12Great Uncle Albert.
43:14He'll tell you about all the places in the world he's been to.
43:17Been sunk.
43:22And it's me.
43:24And you're going to have all the things your daddy couldn't afford.
43:29Because I've been a bit of a dreamer, you know.
43:32Yeah, I have.
43:34I mean, you know, I wanted to do things and be someone.
43:39I never had what it took.
43:41You're different.
43:44You're going to live my dreams for me.
43:46And you're going to do all the things that I want you to do.
43:48And you're going to come back and you're going to tell me about them.
43:51Tell me if they're as good as I thought they'd be.
43:54Oh, and you're going to have such fun.
43:56You will.
43:58And then when you get the hump,
44:00because you're bound to get the hump sometimes,
44:04I'll muck about and make you laugh.
44:08Because I've mucked about all my life.
44:10And I never knew the reason why until now.
44:14This is what it's all about.
44:17I was born for this moment.
44:20Yes.
44:22Oh, we're going to have such fun.
44:24We are. You mark my words.
44:29This time next year,
44:30we're going to be millionaires.