Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs S06 Е03 - Chain Gang
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Number 32, red.
00:01What's your deal, boy?
00:02All right, Tick?
00:03No, Dave.
00:04Yeah, he's on his way down later.
00:05He's bringing that bird of his.
00:06What's her name?
00:07Cassandra.
00:08He's getting a bit serious, isn't he?
00:09No, girl.
00:10He's not.
00:11He's not.
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03:29He's not, so the grave digger says to the biker well, I've got to have somewhere to park
03:35me bike.
03:38You'll be terrible!
03:39I'll see you in a minute.
03:45Oh, Cassandra, this is my brother Derek.
03:47And Del, this is Cassandra.
03:49Hello Cassandra.
03:50Very pleased to meet you.
03:52Rodney has told me all about you.
03:53Don't worry, I'll try not to shout it all about.
03:56That's very kind of you, Derek.
03:58Rodney's told me all about you as well.
04:00Although I must admit, I didn't believe him.
04:02Until now.
04:06I like her, I like her, yeah.
04:08Yeah, well, shall we sit down, Kate?
04:10Go and get your drink, sweetheart.
04:11Just a Coke and ice, please, I'm driving.
04:12Right, OK.
04:13Rodney, you?
04:14Non-alcoholic lager, top.
04:16Hey.
04:22So, what line of work are you in, Cassandra?
04:24I work for a bank.
04:25Oh, really?
04:26Tell me, do they do loans?
04:28Why don't you leave Cassandra alone?
04:30No, no, it's all right, I'm only being polite.
04:32They do arrange loans, according to status, of course.
04:35That's you out then, don't it?
04:38I don't actually work on that side of things.
04:40I'm in overseas investment.
04:42Bill does a bit of that.
04:43Albanian watches, Turkish raincoats, that sort of thing.
04:46Well, you like me, don't you?
04:48I do.
04:49Turkish raincoats, that sort of thing.
04:51Would you like me to go and tell Otto
04:53what you called him just now?
04:55Rodney tells me your dad's in business.
04:57Yes, he's got his own printing workshop.
04:59Oh, yeah?
05:00I thought it was that family business passed on, sort of.
05:02No, there was no silver spoon involved.
05:04He used to live on a council estate around this area.
05:06Oh, really?
05:07How in fact, I know him.
05:09Oh, God.
05:10I know, I know.
05:11What's his name?
05:12Parry, Alan Parry.
05:13Parry, Alan Parry, yes, a little fella,
05:15one brown eye, one blue eye,
05:17went for a squint, walked with a stutter.
05:19That's it.
05:21That's it.
05:22Listen, I'm going to leave you two lovebirds.
05:25And just remember, Cassandra,
05:27Rodney tells me everything.
05:29Thanks for the warning.
05:33I'm sorry about Incas.
05:35Why are you apologising?
05:36I think he's lovely.
05:39Dale?
05:40Yeah, he makes me laugh.
05:44Well, yeah, he's all right, I suppose.
05:46At times.
05:48Well, I'd better make a move.
05:50I've got to be up early for work in the morning.
05:52I'll be glad when I'm retired like you, Arnie.
05:55Yeah, you can't beat it, Trigger.
05:57Drag yourself out of bed about 11 o'clock
05:59just in time to relax for the rest of the day.
06:01You retired a bit early, though, didn't you, Arnie?
06:03I thought you jewellery dealers were making so much bunt
06:06you carried on till you dropped.
06:07Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
06:08Really?
06:10Heeled over on the floor one day.
06:11Took her trouble.
06:12What a stress of business.
06:15Doctors gave me six months to live.
06:19Oh, yeah.
06:20Oh, yeah, well.
06:21Yeah, well, you don't want to take too much notice
06:23of these doctors, Arnie.
06:24They'll say anything to get rid of you.
06:26Let's describe it.
06:27You take that Georgie Collis.
06:28I mean, they only gave him six months to live.
06:30He was gutted, weren't he, Trigger?
06:31Well upset.
06:32Yeah, then they discovered, of course,
06:33that they'd only mixed up his records with another bloke's.
06:36Yeah, but the other bloke only had three months to live.
06:40Yeah.
06:41Yeah, I know, I know that, Trigger.
06:42It's not the point, though, is it?
06:43I was just trying to say to Arnie
06:44that these doctors can make mistakes.
06:45No, no, look, you don't understand.
06:46The doctor said I didn't have long to go
06:48unless I changed my lifestyle.
06:50That's exactly what I did.
06:52Gave up all the boozing and fags.
06:53Started doing little things I hadn't done for years.
06:57Walking, breathing some decent air.
07:00Have you any idea of the kind of damage
07:01that alcohol and nicotine does to your heart?
07:08Something you going to do?
07:09No, thanks, bruv.
07:10I'll just have a mineral water.
07:11Arnie?
07:12Mineral water for me, too, son.
07:13Yeah, nothing for me, Dave.
07:14I'm off.
07:15I'll see you around, then.
07:16Yeah, see you, Trigger.
07:17Yeah, but the most important thing I ever did, Derry,
07:19the thing that changed my life,
07:20was getting out of the business,
07:21getting away from all that stress.
07:23And you might not believe this.
07:25I used to be taught.
07:27Really?
07:28What were you learning, then?
07:31Tide.
07:32Nervous tension.
07:33Oh, taught.
07:34Taught, you mean...
07:35Yeah, all that.
07:36Got away from all that now.
07:37Got my little house,
07:38my wife Pat, lovely, caring.
07:40Lovely, caring woman.
07:41Got me boys, Gary and Steve.
07:45What more could a man ask for?
07:47And I think to myself,
07:49what a wonderful world.
07:52Cheers, bruv.
07:57You still do a bit, though, don't you?
07:59Occasionally, with the right sort of person.
08:02Basically, I'm just getting rid of stuff I had left with me.
08:04Right, well, just don't forget, you know,
08:06I am a trader.
08:08Interested in jewellery.
08:09I'm interested in anything, Arnie.
08:11And you don't mind if it's arrived
08:13on the market by an unorthodox rule?
08:15Of course not.
08:16I do understand that some things
08:17have a tendency to, you know,
08:18float out of factory windows.
08:20I mean, it's just mother nature, isn't it?
08:22You in a hurry?
08:23I've got all the time in the world, Arnie.
08:25Meet me in the back of the car park in an hour's time?
08:28Yeah, of course you do.
08:30I'll be long.
08:35Lovely jubbly.
08:39Well, good night, Dale.
08:41Lovely meeting you.
08:42And you too, sweetheart.
08:43And don't forget, I won't say a word.
08:46I'll see you in a little while.
08:49Wait, Rodney?
08:50Where do you think you're going?
08:52Miss Andrew's giving me a lift home.
08:54Ah, it's all right.
08:55Don't bother yourself, sweetheart.
08:56We've got the van here.
08:59Excuse me one moment while I go and kill him.
09:03What do you think you're playing at, Derek?
09:05I told you, I've got a bit of a deal going down here
09:07in a little while.
09:08Yeah, and I told you,
09:09I don't want nothing to do with it.
09:11I know you did.
09:12But I've got to meet that Arnie
09:13in the back of the car park there.
09:14It's nice and dark.
09:15Now, I've only just recently met the geezer,
09:17so I don't know what I'm walking into.
09:19So I would appreciate a bit of a back-up, all right?
09:21Yeah, but I wanted to say goodnight to Cassandra.
09:26Go on, then.
09:27Say goodnight to Cassandra.
09:28I don't know what I'm walking into.
09:29I don't know what I'm walking into.
09:31Go on, then.
09:32Say goodnight.
09:33Would you get back here a bit lively?
09:35No, I meant...
09:38Oh, bloody hell.
09:42Oh, give me a couple of minutes.
09:51What's happening?
09:52I'm going to have to drive Del home.
09:54He's drunk.
09:55Drunk?
09:56He doesn't look drunk.
09:57No, no.
09:58That's a bad sign with him.
10:01He hides it well, you see.
10:03But I tell you,
10:04you could push him over with just one little finger
10:06and he'd fall flat on his face.
10:08It's a problem of his I've had to live with
10:10since I was a little kid.
10:12How sad.
10:13Yeah, I know.
10:14It's tragic.
10:17Still, never mind, eh?
10:31Sorry.
10:33Do you fancy coming out for a meal on Thursday?
10:35I thought I told you I'm on a week's training course.
10:37Yeah, well, you must be able to get a few hours off.
10:39Oh, yes.
10:40And if you fancy flying over to Guernsey,
10:42I'd love to have dinner with you.
10:43Guernsey?
10:44You've got to go all the way over to Guernsey.
10:46Yes.
10:47I did ask Guernsey if it would like to come to me,
10:49but it refused point blank.
10:50I've heard about these countries.
10:51I've heard about them.
10:52I've heard about them.
10:53I've heard about them.
10:54I've heard about them.
10:55I've heard about them.
10:56I've heard about them.
10:57I've heard about them.
10:58I've heard about them.
10:59I've heard about them.
11:00I've heard about these company training courses.
11:02They're just an excuse for loads of people to have an orgy.
11:04Really?
11:06Please be serious for one moment, Cassandra.
11:09Look, Rodney,
11:10if what you've heard is true,
11:11and all these perfectly staid and boring people
11:13suddenly hurl themselves into a pit of carnal abandon,
11:16it doesn't mean I have to join in, does it?
11:19No, I suppose not.
11:20No suppose about it.
11:24No, I'm sorry, you're right.
11:26Of course I'm right.
11:27I mean, I'll take my whip just in case.
11:31I'll phone you.
11:32I'll phone you as well.
11:34Better make sure we don't phone at the same time
11:36otherwise we'll both be engaged.
11:43I love you.
11:45Do you?
11:48And I...
11:57Come on, Rodney, it's here.
12:03Don't have a nice time, will you?
12:04I'll try not to.
12:23Here.
12:24What were you doing with that girl?
12:26I was saying goodnight.
12:27Saying goodnight?
12:28She had her head in your mouth at one point.
12:32You were always watching.
12:33I couldn't do anything else.
12:34Last time I saw anything like that was in a circus.
12:37You're so sick.
12:40What's wrong?
12:41I've got a tickle in my throat.
12:42It's probably got her wig stuck in it.
12:49Hop in the back.
12:51Go on, get in the back, Rodney.
12:52Go on, get in the back.
12:55Go on, get in the back.
13:06Sorry I'm a bit late.
13:07It's all right, honey, no problem.
13:11Open that.
13:18Jeez.
13:20What'd you do, mug Mr T?
13:21There's 250 chains there.
13:2318 carat gold.
13:25I used to go to some poncy Bond Street shop.
13:27Yeah, sort of, plenty of mark-up.
13:29They'd want 200 quid for each of those.
13:32There's 50,000 pounds sitting there.
13:3550 quid?
13:37Here, wait a minute.
13:39This ain't the result of some raid, is it?
13:41No, no, nothing like that.
13:43No, no, look, six months ago a client of mine
13:45asked me if I could get hold of these sort of things
13:47for him for the rest of his life.
13:49If I could get hold of these sort of things for him
13:51for the right price.
13:53Do you know Maxi Stavros?
13:55No, I don't.
13:56Well, you're lucky.
13:57Well, he's a nice enough guy,
13:58so when it comes to money...
13:59Anyway, we agreed on a price
14:01and he was going to pay me 25 grand.
14:04You know, he's got all these contacts in the States, you see.
14:06This sort of thing sells really well over there.
14:09With the English hallmarks, Yanks love all that.
14:11Anyway, I acquired the goods
14:14and I haven't heard from him since.
14:16You could sue him for breach of contract.
14:19Listen to it, will you?
14:22Listen, there's no contract between friends.
14:24It's a man's word, handshake, gentleman's agreement.
14:28Anyway, Mr Stavros is not the sort of man you'd want to sue.
14:31Anyway, he's never let me down before,
14:33so I suppose he's got troubles.
14:34But then so have I.
14:35I can't wait any longer.
14:37I'm going to have to let these go
14:38at half the wholesale price.
14:40That's 50 quid each.
14:43Yeah, well...
14:45I mean, what's the catch?
14:46I mean, you said they came via an unorthodox route.
14:49Yeah, didn't pay the VAT.
14:53I assumed that they were for retail
14:56outside the European community
14:58and therefore would not be liable to VAT.
15:01I've lumbered with them.
15:04So what do you reckon?
15:05You still interested?
15:06Yeah, yeah, I'm interested, yeah.
15:09Well, yeah, I'll take two.
15:11Two?
15:14No, I'm all right, three.
15:16Three?
15:18I'm not running a corner shop, Dal.
15:21I'm a dealer.
15:22I buy and sell jewellery in bulk.
15:24Make a whole lot or none at all.
15:27Yeah, no, it's...
15:28No, no, I know that.
15:30No, it's just that...
15:31I mean, I take two or three samples
15:33to show my clients.
15:35Yeah, 12 and a half grand in cash
15:37and they're all yours.
15:39Yeah, well...
15:40I don't think I've got that sort of money
15:42on me at the moment, Arnie.
15:44Yeah, I can wait.
15:46Look, you sell those around the pubs
15:48and the clubs,
15:49the worst you do is double your money.
15:52I'll take them.
15:5312 and a half thousand?
15:56Subject to a surveyor's report, of course.
15:58Oh, cool.
16:00Yeah.
16:01OK, then, listen,
16:03do you know the next head of Peckham?
16:04No, I'll find it.
16:05Right, well,
16:06I'll see you there tomorrow at one o'clock.
16:08OK.
16:09And
16:10look after it for me, won't you?
16:14Yeah.
16:24You kicked me?
16:25Yes, that's because you've got a big mouth, Rodney.
16:27You nearly gave Arnie the impression
16:29that we were small time.
16:30If I can just pull this off, Rodney,
16:32I will double my investment.
16:33Yeah, well,
16:34are you going to get 12 and a half thousand pounds?
16:38Well, there's Boise,
16:39he's got a lot of money,
16:40likes to gamble.
16:41Mike down in Exit,
16:42he knows a bargain when he sees one.
16:44Yeah.
16:45I put together a little consortium.
16:46What, you mean just hand the whole deal over to them?
16:48No, no, no, no,
16:49I've got some money to put in.
16:50No, Dale,
16:51don't you remember what I told you the other day?
16:52Our partnership is virtually broke.
16:54No, Rodney,
16:55our partnership
16:56is potless.
16:57What I mean is
16:58I've got some money to put in.
16:59You've...
17:01How much?
17:03Oh, no,
17:04it's not a lot, no,
17:05it's just, you know,
17:06what,
17:07four grand.
17:08Four thousand pounds?
17:10That's more like a bleeding ostrich egg.
17:12Where'd you get that from?
17:13No, just been money
17:14I've been saving up over the years.
17:15Little bit here,
17:16little bit there,
17:17you know, soon builds up.
17:18You conning git.
17:20No,
17:21no, you could have done the same thing.
17:22Don't talk to me.
17:23No, you could have done...
17:24Oh, you could...
17:25Mum said to me on her deathbed,
17:26she said,
17:27Dale, boy,
17:28no, she did,
17:29she said,
17:30you make sure that Rodney...
17:34You're back early,
17:35I thought you'd still be at the airport.
17:36No,
17:37plane got off on time.
17:38Where's Dale?
17:39Well,
17:40him and Arnie
17:41and the rest of the consortium
17:42have gone down to Dewitt
17:43let's have them chains examined.
17:45The rest of the consortium?
17:46How many's in it?
17:47Well,
17:48there's Dale,
17:49there's Trigger,
17:50there's Mike,
17:51there's that fella Boise
17:52and there's me.
17:53Course,
17:54there could be more by now.
17:55What's he playing at?
17:56He's gone a bit public,
17:57hasn't he?
17:58I've just been down to post office
17:59and got my savings out.
18:00Pity you weren't interested,
18:01Rodney.
18:02You could have made yourself
18:03a nice few, Bob.
18:04Well,
18:05yeah,
18:06I suppose I could have.
18:07Ah,
18:08but the thing is,
18:09you see,
18:10you know,
18:11that's why they're so cheap.
18:12Here,
18:13do you want a cup of tea, son?
18:14No,
18:15I don't want nothing.
18:16What's wrong?
18:17Nothing,
18:18everything's fine.
18:19Look,
18:20you got her hotel number,
18:21give her a call.
18:22No way.
18:23She was supposed to phone me
18:24at 12.30
18:25and look.
18:26Nah,
18:27she's probably having a drink
18:28and a laugh
18:29with all them yuppie salts
18:30from the bank.
18:31She might be in bed,
18:32Rodney.
18:33Eh?
18:34I mean,
18:35sleeping up the jet lag.
18:36Jet lag?
18:37She's only gone to Guernsey.
18:38So,
18:39what did you and her say?
18:40They're pucker ink,
18:41they are the real McCoy.
18:42Solid gold,
18:4318 carat.
18:44Top class workmanship,
18:45just like Arnie said.
18:46Oh,
18:47we'll double our money on these,
18:48have no fear.
18:49Very shrewd move of yours,
18:50Rodney,
18:51you know,
18:52not to get involved
18:53in this deal.
18:54Shut up.
18:55Here they come.
18:56Come on,
18:57lads,
18:58come on,
18:59come on.
19:00Oh,
19:01come in,
19:02that's it.
19:03Let's have a little celebration
19:04drink,
19:05shall we?
19:06I think we should discuss
19:08this before we celebrate,
19:09I don't like being premature.
19:10No,
19:11Marlene said something
19:12about that the other day.
19:18I hope you don't mind,
19:19Arnie,
19:20but I and the consortium
19:21would like to have
19:22a little board meeting.
19:23No,
19:24no,
19:25of course not.
19:26Well,
19:27perhaps you'd like to
19:28wait in reception.
19:29Right,
19:30get in the kitchen there,
19:31Arnie,
19:32you know,
19:33have some tea,
19:34help yourself,
19:35there's plenty of egg mayonnaise
19:36and tomatoes in the fridge.
19:37That's all right,
19:38Mr Boyce,
19:39I'd like to keep an eye
19:40on it as well.
19:41So,
19:42if I leave it here
19:43and we can both see it,
19:44all right?
19:45Perfect.
19:48Thanks very much,
19:49Arnie.
19:50Thanks a lot.
19:51What's the matter with you?
19:52You're giving Arnie
19:53the impression
19:54that you don't trust him
19:55or something.
19:56Well,
19:57he wouldn't be far wrong,
19:58would he?
19:59I don't even know the man.
20:00Well,
20:01he seems a decent enough
20:02fellow to me,
20:03Boycey.
20:04That's right,
20:05that's right,
20:06he's got a 25K
20:07and we've just had it confirmed
20:08by an independent jeweller.
20:09So,
20:10what more do you want?
20:11I want to know
20:12how he can afford
20:13to sell them
20:14at 50% less
20:15than their wholesale price.
20:16Because he bought them
20:17a long time ago
20:18when the price of gold
20:19was down.
20:20Plus,
20:21he didn't bother
20:22to tell those very nice people
20:23down at the VAT office.
20:24All right,
20:25here is my
20:26seven grand.
20:27Good,
20:28good,
20:29well done,
20:30Boycey,
20:31good boy,
20:32good boy.
20:33Come on in,
20:34Michael,
20:35good,
20:36come on.
20:37Er,
20:38I've been a bit strapped recently,
20:39Del,
20:40I could only get
20:41274 pounds.
20:42My aunt Rene
20:43had to pawn
20:44her necklace for that.
20:45Yeah,
20:46it's all right,
20:47don't worry,
20:48don't worry,
20:49mate,
20:50we'll double your money
20:51for you.
20:52Come on,
20:53Albert,
20:54did you go down
20:55to the post office?
20:56I didn't get as much
20:57as I thought,
20:58son.
20:59I only got
21:00189 pounds
21:0126 newp.
21:02I thought you said
21:03that you had
21:0420 more,
21:05you're not.
21:06You can count
21:07me
21:08in.
21:09Oh,
21:10thank God
21:11for the great Gatsby
21:12here.
21:13Right,
21:14Er,
21:15Arnie,
21:16Arnie,
21:17come on,
21:18the board
21:19meeting's over.
21:20And have you reached
21:21an executive
21:22decision?
21:23Yes,
21:24yes,
21:25we have,
21:26we have.
21:27It's,
21:28er,
21:29the deal,
21:30the deal is on,
21:31it's on,
21:32it's on.
21:34Here.
21:35Oh,
21:36look at that.
21:37Isn't that sweet?
21:38Reminds me
21:39of holidays
21:40in County Donegal.
21:41Oh,
21:42is that a paddy ten pence piece?
21:43I'll change that for you.
21:44Ah,
21:45don't worry,
21:46I won't bother counting.
21:47I trust you.
21:48That's right,
21:49good,
21:50well,
21:51we've all got to learn
21:52to trust each other,
21:53Arnie.
21:54Don't worry about boys,
21:55he's just got
21:56his funny little ways.
21:57You ask his missus.
21:58Oh,
21:59that reminds me,
22:00er,
22:01do you mind
22:02if I phone the wife?
22:03What about that drink then,
22:04chaps,
22:05celebration drink?
22:06You'll stay for one,
22:07won't you, Arnie?
22:08Yeah,
22:09a quick one,
22:10Dale,
22:11mineral water,
22:12something like that.
22:13Right,
22:14OK,
22:15good boys.
22:16Oh,
22:17Rodney,
22:18whip out there
22:19into the fridge
22:20in the kitchen,
22:21will you?
22:22Get the beers.
22:23Well,
22:24soon as there's
22:25a special occasion,
22:26I think I'll have
22:27a little drop
22:28of that port.
22:29Yeah,
22:30same here,
22:31Dale.
22:32So how's things at home, love?
22:35What?
22:36No,
22:37I can't meet him,
22:38no.
22:39Hang on.
22:41No, love,
22:42no,
22:43I haven't got them anymore.
22:44Pat,
22:45I would not joke about
22:46a thing as serious as this.
22:47I've just this minute
22:48sold them to Dale
22:49and his consortium.
22:50But I don't care
22:51how much money
22:52he's got.
22:53I'm not getting excited.
22:55All right,
22:56look,
22:57I will meet him
22:58and I will explain
22:59the situation,
23:00all right?
23:01I'll call you.
23:03Everything all right, Arnie?
23:06You know that
23:07client of mine
23:08I told you about?
23:09Yeah,
23:10what,
23:11that Mr Stavros,
23:12what have you?
23:13Yeah,
23:14he's in London,
23:15he wants to meet me
23:16for lunch.
23:17Oh,
23:18you mean he's come
23:19to pick up the chains?
23:20Yes,
23:21ironic,
23:22isn't it?
23:23He's got
23:2425 grand
23:25in cash
23:26to give me
23:27and I've just
23:28let him go
23:29for 12 and a half.
23:30So they weren't
23:31yours to sell
23:32in the first place?
23:33No,
23:34no,
23:35they belong to me,
23:36no.
23:37Mr Stavros
23:38never actually
23:39gave me any money
23:40for them
23:41but he's an odd
23:42sort of person.
23:43Once you've
23:44shaken on the deal
23:45as far as
23:46he's concerned
23:47there is property
23:48and now
23:49he's come to collect.
23:50He's given
23:51about some
23:52mindless violence,
23:53isn't he?
23:54Very,
23:55very nasty.
23:56Hey,
23:57what's a war?
23:58We'll give him one,
24:00why don't we just
24:01sell the chains
24:02back to Arnie?
24:03We have a small
24:04profit,
24:05of course.
24:06Are you
24:07off your trolley?
24:08We'll still be
24:09making a bit each,
24:10boys.
24:11Well,
24:12we could double
24:13our money
24:14on these things.
24:15Yeah,
24:16but Stavros
24:17is going to
24:18give Arnie
24:19a bad time,
24:20isn't he?
24:21I don't care
24:22if he redecorates
24:23Regent Street
24:24with Arnie.
24:25This is
24:26business.
24:27No,
24:28I have every
24:29right to
24:30say this,
24:31man.
24:32You're missing
24:33the most important
24:34point of the
24:35whole situation.
24:36There is a
24:37man in
24:38London
24:39who wants
24:40to buy
24:41250 18
24:42carat gold
24:43chains from
24:44Arnie here.
24:45He is
24:46willing to
24:47pay
24:48£25,000
24:49with cash
24:50on the hip,
24:51but Arnie
24:52doesn't have
24:53them anymore.
24:54We do.
24:55So,
24:56what are
24:57you saying,
24:58that you
24:59will sell
25:00them chains
25:01for us,
25:02for which we
25:03will give
25:04Arnie,
25:05what,
25:06a two
25:07grand for
25:08his trouble?
25:09That way
25:10Stavros gets
25:11the goods
25:12at the
25:13agreed price.
25:14Arnie
25:15gets a
25:16deuce
25:17in bunts,
25:18plus he
25:19keeps his
25:20kneecaps
25:21where
25:22nature
25:23intended.
25:24And Arnie
25:25gets ten
25:26and a half
25:27grand.
25:28Where is
25:29this?
25:30Where is
25:31this,
25:32the restaurant
25:33of yours?
25:34This is a
25:35little place
25:36off the
25:37King's Road,
25:38so I'd
25:39better get
25:40me skates
25:41on.
25:42I think
25:43it would
25:44be a good
25:45idea if
25:46we came
25:47with you,
25:48don't
25:49you,
25:50Arnie?
25:51Yeah,
25:52he's
25:53right and
25:54all,
25:55Arnie.
25:56Right,
25:57finding
25:58you,
25:59if that's
26:00what you
26:01think.
26:02I'm
26:03a man.
26:04May I
26:05help
26:06you,
26:07sir?
26:08I'm
26:09expecting
26:10to meet
26:11Mr.
26:12Stavros here
26:13if he's
26:14booked.
26:15Mr.
26:16Stavros?
26:17Yes,
26:18he has
26:19took the
26:20table.
26:21I'm afraid
26:22the gentleman
26:23has not
26:24arrived yet.
26:26Yes,
26:27gentlemen.
26:28Table for
26:29two,
26:30please.
26:31Have you
26:32booked?
26:33No,
26:34we haven't.
26:35I'm afraid
26:36we are very
26:37crowded at
26:38the moment.
26:39This might
26:40make a bit
26:41of room.
26:42Of course,
26:43grazie.
26:44Enrico,
26:45numero due
26:46per i signori.
26:47Grazie.
26:48Thank you,
26:49thank you,
26:50so much.
26:51Cheers.
26:52Why didn't
26:53you sit
26:54outside?
26:55Because I
26:56wouldn't be able
26:57to see Arlie then.
26:58Why?
26:59What's
27:00the matter?
27:01It's
27:02that we're
27:03both sitting
27:04on the same
27:05table,
27:06so I
27:07thought
27:08it would
27:09be better
27:10if we
27:11sat
27:12on the
27:13same table.
27:14I'm
27:15afraid
27:16we
27:17can't
27:18sit
27:19on the
27:20same table.
27:21Because
27:22we're
27:23both
27:24sitting
27:25on the
27:26same
27:27side.
27:28Let's
27:29walk
27:30next to
27:31each other.
27:32So it
27:33might
27:34look a
27:35bit
27:36funny.
27:37What do
27:38you mean?
27:39People
27:40might think
27:41that we're
27:42a bit
27:43funny.
27:44Why
27:45don't
27:46you go
27:47and sit
27:48on the
27:49other
27:50side.
27:51Nice to
27:52see you
27:53again,
27:54sir.
27:55Nice
27:56to see
27:57you.
27:58Bug,
27:59does it
28:00get your
28:01hand off
28:02mine and
28:03people
28:04think
28:05we're
28:06like a
28:07mobster or
28:08something?
28:09I can't
28:10think what
28:11they like.
28:12I've
28:13got seven
28:14grands
28:15sitting
28:16up there.
28:17That's
28:18all I'm
28:19saying.
28:20No,
28:21this is a
28:22fast car.
28:23What's
28:24he doing,
28:25Rodney?
28:26What do
28:27you mean,
28:28what's
28:29he doing?
28:30You can
28:31see what
28:32he's doing.
28:33He's
28:34sitting in
28:35a window
28:36there reading
28:37a menu.
28:38It's
28:39a bit
28:40suspicious,
28:41isn't
28:42it?
28:43What,
28:44a bloke
28:45sitting in
28:46a restaurant
28:47reading
28:49a menu.
28:57Would you care to order?
28:58Yes, I'd like an
28:59ambulance.
29:01An ambulance?
29:02Yes, an
29:03ambulance.
29:04I'm not very
29:05well.
29:06Yes, sir.
29:07Telefono per
29:08un'ambulanza,
29:09presto!
29:17Are you
29:18sure?
29:19Yes, sir.
29:20What's
29:21happened?
29:22He's had a
29:23coronary.
29:24Well, what
29:25are we going
29:26to do?
29:27I don't
29:28know.
29:29I think
29:30you have to
29:31pump their
29:32chests or
29:33something.
29:34I'm
29:35talking about
29:36our bloody
29:37money and
29:38chains.
29:39What we
29:40can do
29:41now, is
29:42there?
29:43My money
29:44and my
29:45gold ain't
29:46going to no
29:47bit.
29:51Oh, yes, very
29:52nasty.
29:53He needs an
29:54operation.
29:55He's not a
29:56doctor.
29:57He's mugging
29:58the poor
29:59man.
30:00Aye.
30:01Yeah.
30:07Call the
30:08police.
30:09Yes, yes,
30:10madam.
30:11I'll call
30:12the police.
30:13All right,
30:14there'll be
30:15no need.
30:16I'm
30:17the officer
30:18of the
30:19law.
30:20I'm a
30:21small-town
30:22policeman.
30:23Do you
30:24get the
30:25impression
30:26all he's
30:27not going
30:28according
30:29to plan?
30:30Okay,
30:31sunshine,
30:32you are
30:33nicked.
30:34Come on,
30:35out you
30:36go.
30:37Rest assured,
30:38madam,
30:39when we get
30:40him down
30:41the police
30:42station,
30:43we'll give
30:44him a
30:45fine.
30:46Right,
30:47stab a
30:48knife into
30:49his
30:50throat.
30:51What happened?
30:52He's had a
30:53pulmonary.
30:54You mean he's
30:55dead?
30:56No, no, he's
30:57still alive.
30:58The ambulance
30:59got here just
31:00in time.
31:01So where's
31:02the money and
31:03the gold?
31:04Where do you
31:05think it is?
31:06It's in
31:07Arnie's
31:08hold-all!
31:09Why'd you
31:10make us
31:11leave the
31:12restaurant?
31:13Because
31:14Why didn't you try and get the case off his wrist?
31:17Blind old Riley, you tried that, didn't you?
31:19And you got a punch in the nose and a whack over your head for your trouble.
31:21You think I'm a wally or something?
31:23So how are we going to get it back?
31:24It's all right, we'll go to the hospital.
31:26All we've got to do is find out what time their visiting hours are.
31:29It'll be cushty.
31:34But we don't know which hospital they're taking him to.
31:36We'll follow them.
31:37Mike, your car's ready, Nippy.
31:39You do the following.
31:40Right.
31:45I don't believe it. I've been clamped.
31:51Rodney, follow that ambulance.
32:02What a lonker.
32:10Right, I'm going to make a couple of phone calls now.
32:13Leave that phone alone, Michael. No one touches it.
32:15I've just been clamped.
32:17I'm going to phone the authorities, sort it all out.
32:19Look, I'm expecting a very important phone call any minute now from Rodney or Arnie or the hospital.
32:24You just sort your car out tomorrow.
32:26What's good for a broken nose?
32:28Baseball bat, knuckle duster.
32:32I mean, my nose might be broken.
32:35Will you shut up going on about your Arusha or I ram this up it for a splint.
32:41Rodney, good boy, what's happened?
32:42We followed the ambulance down to St Stephen's Hospital.
32:44St Stephen's Hospital. Right, now we know where to visit.
32:47No, that's where we lost them.
32:49You lost them?
32:50Yep, we just went straight down Fulham Road.
32:52Oh, godly blue.
32:55I mean, how could you possibly lose an ambulance?
32:57It's a ruddy great big white thing with a flashing blue light on the top.
33:01And in case your peepers ain't too clever, it makes it sound like an air-raid siren.
33:05It also goes straight through red lights.
33:07Well, what are we going to do now?
33:08All our money and our gold is laying in some matron's office.
33:11It's all right, boys, don't worry.
33:12Listen, we'll phone every hospital and ask if he's there.
33:15No, no, no, hospitals won't give you that sort of information over the phone.
33:18All right, well, we'll drive round them all then.
33:20Well, that's going to take forever.
33:21There must be 25 hospitals in London.
33:23Thank god for the Tory party, otherwise it could have been 30.
33:28Hal, but answer that.
33:29If that is Rodney's girlfriend, tell her to phone back later.
33:31Look, it doesn't matter how long it takes as long as we find him, does it?
33:35Gil, it's some Indian doctor from Arnie's Ward.
33:38Well, tell me I haven't got time to talk to him now.
33:41Hello, hello.
33:43Hello, doctor.
33:45Yes, this is he.
33:47Arnie.
33:49Yes, yes, Arnold.
33:51Yes.
33:53Oh, yes, I knew the deceased very well.
33:55We...
33:56Deceased?
33:57Do you mean to say that he is dead?
33:59Oh, I love him.
34:00I just love him.
34:02Yes, yes, it's come as a very nasty shock, yeah.
34:05What about our loot?
34:07Right, doctor.
34:09Yes, I wondered.
34:11Arnie had about his purse and a couple of little keepsakes of mine.
34:15I wondered if you had found them.
34:17What?
34:18It's 250 18-carat gold chains and 12 and a half grand in used notes.
34:24His widow has taken all his belongings.
34:27I just wondered if you could give me her address.
34:30No, no, I am a personal friend of theirs.
34:33No, it's just that they moved recently, you see,
34:35and I wanted to make sure she got hold of me about the funeral arrangements.
34:39Yes, I know.
34:40I know you're not supposed to give out addresses to any Tom, Dick or Harry,
34:43but this is different.
34:45Doctor, look, I'll give you a good drink.
34:47No, no.
34:49Don't hang up.
34:51He's hung up.
34:52Did he give you her address?
34:54No, he said he couldn't. It's confidential.
34:56Well, how are we going to find her, then?
34:57I don't know yet.
34:59Oi, I could go down to the town hall and find his name on the electoral register.
35:03Well done, Rodder's good thinking.
35:05No, he only moved here recently from Lambeth. He wouldn't be on the list yet.
35:08You dipstick.
35:11Well, all right, I'll go down to Lambeth town hall, then.
35:13Good idea, Roddy. Go on, go to Lambeth.
35:15Right. Arnold what?
35:17Eh?
35:18What's his surname?
35:19I don't know. I never caught his surname.
35:21Well, does it matter, huh?
35:23Well, of course it matters.
35:25They aren't going to be down there on the electoral register as Arnie and Pat, are they?
35:28This is something else.
35:30Here, the 111 club, they'll have his full name and address on his membership form.
35:33Yes, yes.
35:34No, no, no, he wasn't a member.
35:36I've got an idea.
35:38The phone.
35:40Oh, my God, he's hearing things now.
35:43Arnie was the last one to dial out on his phone.
35:45He called his wife.
35:47At their house.
35:48Remember?
35:49So what?
35:50This phone's got a redial button. If you press that, you get straight through to Arnie's house.
36:01Mwah!
36:06Right, right. How are we going to explain it to her, eh?
36:08It looks a bit bad turning up just before the funeral, laying claim to most of his estate.
36:11No, it's all right. Arnie told her that he'd sold the chains to Dells. That'll be no problem.
36:16Wait a minute. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
36:18Hello, hello. Hello.
36:21I'm awfully sorry to bother you in your hour of darkness.
36:24Yes, but I was a friend of Arnie's and I was just wondering...
36:28Sorry?
36:30Oh. Oh, sorry, sorry.
36:32Beg your pardon. Sorry to have bothered you.
36:34Huh. Bye.
36:36Strange, innit?
36:38I've just got through to the High Clifferuddy Hotel, Gunsey.
36:44Look, I'm sorry, Dell.
36:46Look, I only called to see whether Cassandra got there safely, innit?
36:48And that's it, innit?
36:50We've done our money and it's vanished into thin air.
36:53Oh, now, boy scene, boy scene.
36:55I'm going to see if I can buy myself a little doll that looks something like you
36:59and then I'm going to burn it.
37:03Psst, boy scene, keep your chin up.
37:05Boy scene, just keep your chin up, eh?
37:07I am going to get my car unclamped, Dell.
37:09Thanks for everything.
37:11Oh, Michael, Michael, you know, don't give up.
37:13Michael, you've given up. Please don't give up.
37:15Remember what Churchill said. You know, he said, up the Alamo.
37:17I'm sorry, Trig, that your Aunt Rean had to pawn her necklace.
37:27Shall I give her a ring and explain?
37:29Oh, no, don't do that, Dell.
37:31She doesn't know she's pawned it yet.
37:43So, how was it?
37:45A hotel was horrible. The weather was lousy.
37:47The food was rotten and the people were boring.
37:49Oh, good.
37:51Oh, you're right. Some of them did hold an orgy.
37:55You're kidding.
37:57No, honestly. I stayed for about an hour and then I got fed up.
38:05Oh, no. I hate this sort of thing.
38:07Oh, no. I hate this sort of thing.
38:31What's the matter with you?
38:33You look like you've seen a ghost.
38:35Don't ask. It's South East London.
38:37Rodney saw him in South West London.
38:39He's doing it all over the town.
38:41Yeah, you'd think he'd be taking things easy in his condition, wouldn't you?
38:49No, Trig, there's nothing wrong with him.
38:51I mean, he's not a sick man. He's a con man.
38:53So you don't reckon he's really ill?
38:57That is what I suspect.
38:59Right, lads, what's going?
39:01Hiya, Denzel.
39:03No, I'm all right.
39:05Can I get you on? Can I join you?
39:07No, it's a bit awkward at the moment, Denzel.
39:09You know, we are in conference.
39:11What?
39:13We're in conference.
39:15I thought we was having a chat.
39:17Listen, Del, I haven't got long. I've got the truck outside.
39:19I'm off to Germany. We'll be bringing a load back.
39:21Oh, well, that's all right then, Denzel. Go on, have a nice trip.
39:23Are you ill or something?
39:25I've just said I'm going to Germany and I will be bringing a load back
39:27and you haven't even asked what it is.
39:29Yes, I know, Denzel, but I'm a bit busy at the moment.
39:31Well, see you do. I might have a deal for you.
39:33Yeah, all right, mate. See you in a minute.
39:37Boycie, hey, got time for a chat?
39:39Some other time, Denzel, some other time.
39:41Right. Mike, can I...
39:43I'll see you at the bar, mate, Denzel. I'm busy.
39:45Rodney, how's it going?
39:47Yeah, a bit tied up at the moment, Denzel.
39:49I'll talk to you later, all right.
39:57Rodney, why are people ignoring me? What have I done to them?
39:59Nothing, nothing.
40:01It's just there's a bit of heavy stuff going down at the moment.
40:03Do you know what I mean?
40:05Oh, by the way, Denzel, this is Cassandra, my, er...
40:07Choose your words carefully, Rodney.
40:09My friend.
40:11And Cassandra, this is Denzel.
40:13Nice to meet you.
40:15You too.
40:17Right, well, I'll leave you two to have a little chatting.
40:19See you later.
40:21Come on, hurry up. Sit down, Rodney, sit down.
40:23I was under the impression that Arnie was a good family man.
40:25I mean, all he ever spoke of was his wife, Gary, and young Stephen.
40:27Yes, I know.
40:29And I'm under the impression that Gary and young Stephen are about six foot tall
40:31and they like to dress up as ambulance men.
40:33What, you mean it's Air Ambulance?
40:35No, can't be, Del.
40:37Remember when Arnie come over bad in a restaurant?
40:39It was the staff that phoned for the ambulance.
40:41Yeah, but it didn't half arrive quick, though, didn't it?
40:43Yeah, you come to mention it, it was a bit lively.
40:45Anyway, I phoned that restaurant this afternoon
40:47and the manager told me that ten minutes after Arnie's ambulance arrived,
40:49another one turned up, the real one.
40:51Yeah.
40:53We reckoned they could do it with speed.
40:55Yeah, we reckoned they could do it with split-second timing, right?
40:57At one o'clock, Arnie does his dying swan act
40:59and at three minutes past one,
41:01his boys turn up in their ambulance,
41:03then it's off into the wild blue yonder.
41:05Yeah, no-one's going to question a couple of medical orderlies, are they?
41:07Carrying a sick man out of a restaurant.
41:09And no-one can follow in an ambulance because...
41:11It goes through red lights.
41:13And you can pick up these old ambulances for next to nothing anywhere.
41:15I know, it's beautiful, isn't it?
41:17Beautiful.
41:19So what's Mr Stavros got to do with it all?
41:21So what's Mr Stavros got to do with it all?
41:27Mr Stavros, look, don't exist trick, does he, eh?
41:29Well, Arnie seemed to know him pretty well.
41:31No, he only did...
41:33They invented him, didn't they?
41:35Just to get us on the...
41:37This still doesn't get me my money back.
41:39I'm sitting here still convalescing from open wallet surgery.
41:43All right, all right, listen.
41:45At least we know that Arnie and the dough
41:47are still out there somewhere, gives us half a chance.
41:49So listen to me, I have put the word about
41:51that I am looking for some gold chains, right?
41:53Right, I'm off, you guys, I'll see you later.
41:55See you, Denzil.
41:57Nice talking to you, Cassandra.
41:59You too, Denzil. Safe trip.
42:01I bring this meeting to a conclusion, gentlemen.
42:03All I can say is just
42:05keep your ears to the ground, right?
42:07Trick, that just means listen out, doesn't mean get on your hands and knees and...
42:11Come on, Rodney, let's go. See you, chaps.
42:13Sorry to leave you talking to a total stranger.
42:15Don't worry, Rodney.
42:17Even strangers can be fun.
42:19I found that out in Guernsey.
42:21Look at his face now, look.
42:23He looks as though he sucked on a lemon.
42:25Anyway, that Denzil's a nice bloke, don't he?
42:27He left a message.
42:29He heard that you were interested in buying some gold chains.
42:31Oh, not more gold-plated Mickey Mouse gear, please.
42:35Apparently one of his brothers, Carl, is it?
42:37Yeah, the one who lives in Bethnal Green.
42:39Apparently he's met some guy in a casino,
42:41a retired jeweler or something,
42:43who's got two hundred and...
42:45Fifty?
42:47Yes, 250 gold chains for sale
42:49and Denzil and his brothers are buying them.
42:51Where is Denzil now?
42:53He's just left.
42:55Denzil, don't buy them!
42:57You're going to have to shout louder than that.
42:59He's not quite a German, I...
43:01Denzil, nicht buying them!
43:11Can you see Dad?
43:13Yeah, he's in position.
43:15About another four minutes.
43:17Right.
43:19And this time you make the phone call.
43:21It's always me who has to pretend to be the hospital doctor.
43:23Did you know the deceased very well?
43:25OK, I'll do it.
43:35I'm sorry, I'm...
43:37I'm not feeling well.
43:39Could you get me an ambulance?
44:05Wonderful.
44:09Come on.
44:17Come on, you don't look too well.
44:23What's that?
44:25Ambulance come, he gone.
44:33Watch it, fellas.
44:35What's that?
44:37Get in.
44:43Take it easy, fellas.
44:45I can explain everything.
44:47We're not looking for explanations.
44:49It's all very clear.
44:51At least let's have a chat.
44:53Funnily enough, there was one or twelve and a half thousand things
44:55we wanted to talk to you about.
44:57Try this, Del Boy.
44:59Thank you, Doctor.
45:01You don't need that to cut the chain off.
45:03I've got a key.
45:05I never said anything about cutting the chain off.
45:11Calm down, Arnie, calm down.
45:13You'll give yourself an heart attack.