Оnlу Fооls & Ноrsеs Хмаs Sресiаl 7 Раrt 1
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Short filmTranscript
00:01You'd better get ready for school, Damien.
00:05I am ready.
00:07All right.
00:09All right.
00:11Was that contraction?
00:13No, indigestion.
00:15That bacon burger I had for breakfast.
00:18You never used to eat bacon. What burgers?
00:21I'm craving bacon now. Bacon and Rolos.
00:24Together.
00:26When I was having Damien, I had a terrible craving for tuna.
00:29I used to have tuna for breakfast, lunch and dinner, didn't I?
00:32Yeah, it was horrible. Saying goodnight to her is like kissing Japan.
00:36Shut up.
00:38If I'm like this with indigestion, how am I going to be when I go into labour?
00:41It affects women differently. Some just sail through.
00:44Yeah, that's right. I remember when Mum was giving birth to Rodney.
00:47She said it was the worst experience of her life.
00:51Just because you're Mum had a bad time doesn't mean Cassandra will.
00:55Oh, no, no, no, I see what you mean.
00:57No, really, Cassandra, you should have a nice easy birth, shouldn't you?
01:01Why?
01:03Well, look at you. You and Rodney, you're both very skinny, skinny, slim, aren't you?
01:07So the chances of you having a very skinny, slimmy baby...
01:11You're very high. You won't have to push too hard, will you?
01:15Cos your little sprog will come shooting out like that.
01:18Dale, please!
01:20Sometimes you really overstep the mark.
01:22No, no, what I'm saying is that, you see,
01:24Cassandra won't need a midwife in the delivery room.
01:27What she will need is a goalkeeper.
01:29Oh, here he comes. Hello.
01:32Come on, you! You'll be late.
01:34Oh, there he is, there, all ready for school, son.
01:36You got your sunglasses, your Walkman, your mobile phone?
01:39Yeah, yeah, don't bother me, man.
01:41Go on, off you go. I think I'll have a lie down.
01:43Oh, all right, all right. Up we go.
01:45Whoa!
01:50All right? I don't know if Cassandra will still feel up to it,
01:53but she was planning to spend the day at her parents' house.
01:55She hadn't seen her mum for a while. I thought I might go with her.
01:57Yeah, that's all right, darling. You go off and enjoy yourself.
02:00We'll meet you down at the pub later.
02:01I'll have a bacon sandwich and a packet of Werther's Original
02:04on the side for Cassandra.
02:06Do you think she's all right? Yeah, she's fine.
02:08Yeah, of course she'd be all right.
02:10Well, I mean, she's had buckets of pork and toffee.
02:12She's bound to feel a bit jippy, ain't she?
02:14Yeah, I suppose you're right.
02:16Well, we'd better think about doing something, haven't we?
02:18I thought we could go down Rodney Nelson's warehouse...
02:20No, no, no. Not today, Rodney, no.
02:23Darl, Rodney is the managing director now.
02:25Yes, I'm in charge.
02:27Yes, I know, but today I'm going down to the cemetery
02:29to put some flowers on Mum's grave.
02:31I'll come with you. No.
02:33Look, I want you to stay here and look after Cassandra.
02:36Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.
02:37If she feels better a bit later on, I'll go down Ronnie's place on my own.
02:40No, look, if she bucks up,
02:42I want you to take her and Raquel over to her mum's
02:45and I want you to stay with them in case of carjacking.
02:49Put on your capricchia.
02:51You were right.
02:53Oi!
02:55Oh, dear, what's the matter with him?
02:57Why would you never let him do things on his own?
02:59I can't let Rodney go out with the business in his hands, can I?
03:03He'd come back with a bag of magic beads.
03:05Oh, yeah, and you're so successful, aren't you?
03:07Oh, come on, don't start.
03:09This situation... What situation?
03:11You being made bankrupt,
03:13owing the inland revenue of £53,000
03:15and the official receiver threatening to evict us
03:17to put the flat up for auction.
03:18Oh, that.
03:19Yes, that.
03:20And what about all those letters from that firm of solicitors?
03:22Have you phoned them to find out what it's about?
03:24No, I haven't. I've been rather busy.
03:26Have you told Rodney about it?
03:27No, he's got enough to worry about.
03:29I'll tell him when the moment's right, OK?
03:31Can I borrow these? Thank you.
03:37Hmm?
03:38Have you told Raquel yet?
03:39I've told her what?
03:41That the official receiver is auctioning this flat in a month's time.
03:44No, look, she's got enough to worry about.
03:46I'll tell her when the moment's right.
03:48Tell?
03:49No. See you, Rodney.
03:57Are you all right, Mum?
04:00I've come to give you a bit of a scrub-up.
04:07How do you like your new obelisk?
04:12The other one, you know, your old one, was OK,
04:15but, you know, it wasn't quite you.
04:19So, when me and Rudders became millionaires,
04:21we got you this new one.
04:23Best one in the yard, this.
04:24This is the Ferrari of shrines.
04:29Anyway, Cassandra,
04:33she'll be giving birth soon.
04:36Another grandchild in the family, eh?
04:39I said to them, I said,
04:40if it's a girl, would they name her after you?
04:43Joan.
04:46Anyway, I'm sorry, Mum.
04:48I haven't been down for a long time,
04:50but I've had one or two problems to sort out.
04:53What with the bankruptcy and all of that.
04:58Then I received this letter from the official receiver.
05:02Says they want to auction the old flat.
05:05The lads have been good.
05:07They've all been trying to think of ways for me to make money.
05:13You've got to invent something.
05:15Invent something?
05:16All inventors are rich.
05:18What's the name of that bloke who invented the Dyson vacuum cleaner?
05:25Dyson.
05:28Millionaire.
05:29What about that bloke who invented the biro?
05:31Bick.
05:34Millionaire.
05:35It's an old trick. I thought about that.
05:37But everything's already been invented, hasn't it?
05:39Not everything.
05:41Picture this.
05:43You're on a crowded bus, and you get an itch in your back.
05:46And no matter how hard you try, you just can't reach it.
05:49So, what do you do?
05:51Ask one of the other passengers to scratch it for you.
05:54No, are you OK?
05:55No, you can't do that, Dave.
05:57No, trick, I was just...
06:00I tried that once, and it caused nothing but trouble.
06:05Now...
06:07What's this?
06:10Chopstick.
06:11Correct.
06:12With this, you can reach down and hit the spot.
06:18That is very good, Trigg.
06:20Not quite up to Bill Gates' standard, but it is brilliant.
06:24I don't want to disappoint you, Trigg,
06:26and I know the Chinese have always been a very inventive race,
06:29but we created something years ago that rather beat them to the punch.
06:33We called it the back scratcher.
06:35Yeah, but they're big, long things, Dave.
06:37You can't carry one of them in your inside pocket.
06:39It will stick out. People will look.
06:41It's a no-trick, but what you've got to do,
06:43you've got to have something long, haven't you,
06:45to get it right down there, where the itch is, isn't it?
06:48That thing's too short.
06:49So, what's the answer?
06:52Another drink?
06:55No.
07:00Two chopsticks.
07:02I'm going to fit a little hinge on the end...
07:06..so you can open it out,
07:09scratch away,
07:11fold it down again
07:13and put it back in your pocket.
07:16And you can use it for pointing at things.
07:22Well, that's brilliant, isn't it? No more fingers.
07:26This is just a specimen.
07:27I'm going back to my flat now to work on it.
07:30When I take the patent out, Bill, I'm going to put it in your name.
07:33Thanks, Trigg.
07:35See you on Tomorrow's World.
07:39Well, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.
07:44Seems like nothing's going to change my bad luck.
07:47Raquel says that we ought to try Feng Shui.
07:50I said to her, I said,
07:51what good is eating raw fish going to do?
07:56If all that weren't bad enough,
07:57I'm getting all these letters from the solicitor demanding a meeting.
08:02All I know is, if I don't get over 50 grand
08:06in four weeks' time,
08:07I'll be kipping on that bench over there.
08:11At least I'll be keeping you company, won't I, Mum?
08:15If there's anything that you can do,
08:17you know, while you're up there,
08:19like a word in the right ear,
08:23nobody else is grateful.
08:26Anyway, I'd better buzz off.
08:30See you soon, Mum.
08:35Bonjour.
08:47What are you doing?
08:49Actually, I'm writing a screenplay for a movie.
08:52Oh.
08:54Where is everyone?
08:55Dad's down at the cemetery
08:56and Cassandra's gone round to her parents' place
08:58for the afternoon with your mum.
09:02Is it a silent film?
09:03No, it is not a silent film.
09:06Actually, you might be able to help me with this.
09:08Oh, yeah? What do you want me to do?
09:10Bugger off and leave me alone.
09:16All right, Dad?
09:17Yeah, all right.
09:20Postman's given me another letter from the official receiver.
09:23Look.
09:24I suppose it's about this flat.
09:25It certainly ain't a Christmas card, is it?
09:28Been busy, have you?
09:29Yes.
09:30Yes.
09:33What's wrong, Dad? You look a bit worried.
09:35That's probably because I am worried, son.
09:38God, dear, I don't know.
09:41I haven't slept for ages.
09:43I feel so stressed out
09:44that your doody menu-ing could play a symphony on me.
09:49I'm going to go play football.
09:51Yeah, right.
09:52Here, don't forget what I told you about dirty tackling.
09:55Yeah, be first.
09:56Good boy.
10:01HE SIGHS
10:16Ha!
10:21How's that creative writing course of yours coming along, Rodney?
10:24Yeah, fine.
10:25Good.
10:26Cos I get worried about you, you know.
10:28Even though I've got this bankruptcy looming over me
10:31and my imminent eviction, of course.
10:34But I lie awake at night, you know, worrying,
10:37and I keep on thinking, I say to myself,
10:39is Rodney getting his commas in the right place?
10:44All right, what's up with you?
10:45What do you mean, what's up with me?
10:46I tell you what's up with me.
10:47Here I am, halfway down the gurgler,
10:49with only me head above the waterline,
10:51and there's you poncing around on your wife's laptop,
10:54wasting money on some mail-order course.
10:56I'm not poncing around and I'm not wasting money,
10:58I'm investing in our future.
11:00What future?
11:01We've got all the prospects of a toilet duck.
11:05And I'm trying to get us out of this situation
11:07by earning us some serious money.
11:09Have you got any idea how much money there is to be earned
11:12out of writing a book or a film?
11:13I don't suppose you've ever heard of the writer J.K. Rowling?
11:16As a matter of fact, yes, I have.
11:19He happens to be one of my most favourite.
11:22Yeah, right.
11:24J.K. Rowling's wrote all the Harry Potter books, right?
11:27And has earned over £70 million.
11:30£70 million?!
11:32Blimey, that would do us in, wouldn't it?
11:34It could get us over the worst.
11:35Yeah, right.
11:36Go on, then.
11:37What?
11:38Write one.
11:40I can't write a Harry Potter book.
11:42It's copyrighted.
11:43Oh, no, don't worry about that.
11:45Just change a bit, no-one will notice.
11:47Call it Harry Trotter.
11:49No!
11:51You shut up, you tart!
11:53All you've got to do is just have a couple of wizards
11:56and some little git with John Lennon glasses, right?
11:59And then we're off, we're at the races.
12:01No, I can't write all that magic stuff.
12:04I'm more drawn to the styles of Michael Crichton and Thomas Harris.
12:07He wrote The Silence of the Lambs.
12:09Oh, yeah.
12:10Hannibal the Cannonball.
12:12No, it's Ca...
12:13Hm?
12:14Yeah.
12:15Yeah.
12:16No, it's Ca...
12:17Hm?
12:18Yeah.
12:19Right.
12:20Well, he's earned over $100 million.
12:22$100 million?!
12:24Oh, no, it's all big talk, you know,
12:2670 million here, 100 million there, but...
12:28No, no, Rodney, no, you're entitled to talk big, you know,
12:31once you've been a millionaire, like what we have.
12:35You know what this is, don't you, Rodney?
12:38You see, every time we get into trouble
12:41and I go down and have a little talk to Mum,
12:43something turns up to save us.
12:46And this is it. This is a sign.
12:50This is Mum's doing.
12:53Come on, Rodney.
12:55We're going to come up with a film idea.
12:58Yeah.
13:03So, I rang Mike in prison
13:05and we decided to turn this into a theme park.
13:08Good.
13:09We decided on a 1930s pre-war London theme.
13:12Well, it's turned out well, hasn't it?
13:15It hasn't started yet.
13:17We're still at the consultation stage.
13:19Well, let us know when it's finished.
13:22Raquel, Cassandra, what are you drinking?
13:24A vodka and tonic, please, Trip.
13:26Just an orange juice for me, please.
13:28Del and Rodney not here?
13:29Ain't seen them all day, love.
13:31Tell Del the prototype has hit a snag.
13:35Right.
13:36Me paraffin heater melted the chopsticks.
13:39OK.
13:40I might have to go to a Chinese shop.
13:43He'll understand.
13:47So, right, what are they doing?
13:49Who?
13:50Oh, these people that you said that landed
13:52on an uninhabited desert island in the middle of the Pacific.
13:56Right.
13:57They're scientists, right?
13:59Right.
14:00They've been sent there because there's been strange goings-on.
14:03Like people getting killed?
14:04Yeah.
14:05Yeah.
14:06Disappearing strangely.
14:07Yeah.
14:08Hey, this idea's getting better and better, Rodney.
14:11Right, so they land in a jumbo jet, right,
14:13which is being flown by...
14:15Well, I'm thinking Mel Gibson.
14:17Mel Gibson?
14:18Yeah.
14:19Yeah.
14:20He ain't got all that soppy paint over his face, though, is he?
14:23No, no, no.
14:24He's the leading scientist.
14:26Right, OK.
14:28What's he doing flying the plane, then?
14:31I don't know.
14:33We could say that in the past, right,
14:35he was a pilot for, um...
14:38Monarch.
14:40No.
14:41Something exciting...
14:43NASA.
14:44NASA.
14:45Yes, sir.
14:46NASA.
14:47It's all right.
14:48Mel and his assistant, right, cos I was thinking, um,
14:51Julia Roberts.
14:52Julia Roberts?
14:54Yeah.
14:55Now you're talking like a mogul.
14:56Yeah.
14:57So whilst they're out there doing all their, you know,
14:59scientific research and all that stuff,
15:02something in the jungle is watching them.
15:05The monster.
15:06Except it's not really a monster.
15:08No?
15:09No, cos what they don't know is, right,
15:11on this island are a forgotten tribe of Neanderthals.
15:15Oh, God, blimey.
15:16Well, you need that, don't you?
15:19What old Mel there, he's got his work cut out, isn't he?
15:22You know, doing all his research and trying to sort Julia out.
15:26So in the jungle, right, there's all these cavemen.
15:29Cavemen, yeah, and women.
15:31And, you know, the women, right, you know what I mean?
15:34Cos serious filmgoers, they like, you know, a bit of that.
15:37I was thinking about Liz Hurley and Jordan.
15:43We'll talk about it.
15:44And in fact, these cavemen, they're killer cavemen, aren't they?
15:47Yes!
15:48Yes!
15:49I can see this project's going to be a blockbuster.
15:51It's called, um, The Island of Death.
15:54We'll talk about that as well.
15:56Yeah.
15:58Did you get the baby blues after Damien was born?
16:01Well, I had my moments, but not too bad.
16:03I didn't get at all depressed after I had Tyler.
16:06Then again, I was private.
16:08The doctors and the drugs are much better than you get on the NHS.
16:11I didn't get post-natal depression at all, did I?
16:13How would I know?
16:14You've been screaming and crying all your life.
16:18Correction, only since I married you.
16:22It's our anniversary soon.
16:2434 years.
16:26They dig up fossils younger than that.
16:29Yeah, I put a bit of make-up on them and I might fancy them more than you.
16:35Mind you, she has her uses.
16:38If ever I have to draw a straight line and I can't find a ruler,
16:40I just use her chest.
16:45That is one horrible git.
16:49But he has got his nice side.
16:52Last month, he took out a massive life insurance on me.
16:56Shows he cares.
16:58Come along, Marlene.
17:00Let's go home and ignore each other for the evening.
17:06Right, OK, then.
17:07Where are they now, then?
17:08At the end of the runway.
17:10Yeah, and just getting ready to take off
17:13when suddenly a big bird gets sucked into one of the engines.
17:18Yes, I can see that, Rodney. That is drama.
17:22I feel an Oscar coming on here.
17:26Who do you see playing the big bird?
17:31Eh?
17:33Roseanne Barr. She ain't small, is she?
17:36No, no. When I say big bird...
17:39Oh, no, because if you got Roseanne Barr stuck in your engine,
17:42you'd know all about it.
17:44No, no, I'm talking about an eagle.
17:46Hmm?
17:47Or a cormorant.
17:49A cormorant.
17:52An eagle.
17:54Right, I see.
17:56Ah!
17:57No, no, hold it. Got it. Got it, Rodney.
17:59Listen, this is it. Listen to this.
18:01You see, now, Mel, right,
18:03his assistant is, in the beginning, played by Roseanne Barr.
18:07I don't want Roseanne Barr.
18:09No, listen to this.
18:10But when old Mel pulls her out of the engine,
18:12she's in a right mess, isn't she, eh?
18:14Mel, listen to me.
18:15So this is... No, listen.
18:16This is when we find out that not only is Mel, right,
18:19a pilot and a, you know, a science researchist,
18:22but he's also a plastic surgeon.
18:24No!
18:25And in the back of his aeroplane, right,
18:27he's got some of his old plastic surgeon tools.
18:29So he operates on her.
18:31I don't want him operating on her.
18:33Yeah, you see, and then he turns her into Julia Roberts, right?
18:37And when she looks in the mirror and sees what he's done,
18:40she says,
18:41God bloody hell, Mel, help yourself!
18:46And that is your romance.
18:50I'm not having Roseanne Barr's leg sticking out
18:52of one end of a jumbo jet's engine
18:54and Julia Roberts' head sticking out the other end.
19:02You certainly said they'd meet us.
19:04I'm positive.
19:07Oh, my God.
19:09Oh, no.
19:11Why do they do things like this?
19:13As I've said to you before,
19:15women are from Venus, men are from Peckham.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:27I could have carried that coffee for you.
19:29Get off me, Rodney.
19:30I'm sorry.
19:31I know you're an attentive and committed man,
19:33but you're getting on my bloody nerves.
19:37Hormones, eh?
19:38Yeah.
19:39I'm glad I ain't got none.
19:42Oh, it's an answering machine.
19:44I hate them.
19:45Hello?
19:46Denzel, this is Del Boy.
19:48I haven't been able to get hold of you
19:50for the last couple of weeks.
19:51I just wanted to let you know
19:53that I had a job for you worth 500 quid.
19:56Well, I've had to let it go to someone else now,
19:59so I just wanted to let you know
20:01what a half-head I think you really are.
20:04Bonjour.
20:07You'll never guess.
20:09I've just been talking to that woman
20:11who cleans for Boycie and Marlene.
20:13She says she hasn't seen sight nor sound of Marlene
20:16for eight days now.
20:17No.
20:18What do you think's happened?
20:19I don't know.
20:20Strange, though.
20:21I can't imagine how Boycie and Marlene
20:23weren't divorced years ago.
20:25Oh, come on.
20:26Marlene will never divorce Boycie.
20:28She hates him too much.
20:30You shouldn't laugh about it.
20:32Marital break-ups can be very damaging.
20:35Years ago, I did some work for the Samaritans.
20:37What, you were actually on the phones?
20:39Oh, yeah.
20:40Yes.
20:41Very successful, he was, too.
20:43No-one ever phoned back.
20:48Hmm.
20:50Del? Hmm?
20:51Have you seen Marlene recently?
20:53No, I bumped into Boycie a couple of days ago.
20:55He just said she'd gone away.
20:56Maybe he's murdered her.
20:58Keep your nose out of this.
21:00Do you think she's left him?
21:02Well, they were having quite a row in the pub.
21:04It got very nasty.
21:05He accused her of being flat-chested.
21:08Oh, come on, they're always having rows.
21:10You ain't seen Denzel for a while either, have you?
21:13Maybe they've run off together.
21:16Oh, Kehinde.
21:18Marlene has run off with Den...
21:21...zel.
21:26James, off the lager and Del's usual.
21:29Poison in the dining room.
21:31Candlestick in the bedroom.
21:34What, are you playing Cluedo?
21:36No, it's called Whatever Happened to Marlene.
21:39It's been ten days now.
21:41I reckon she's either run off with another bloke
21:43or Boycie's killed her and buried her in the garden.
21:45Or she's spending the week at her sister's.
21:48Spending the week at her sister's?
21:50You and your imagination, Rodney.
21:52Do you remember the old jolly boys' outings we used to go on?
21:56Oh, what, the Finos to Margate?
21:58Yeah, they were great.
21:59No, not one of them in years.
22:01No.
22:02Well, after the last one,
22:03the coach firms wouldn't do business with us.
22:06The other night, I was going through a couple of old boxes
22:09and I found this.
22:13It's the first jolly boys' outing.
22:15July 1960.
22:18There's Del, about 15.
22:20There's Trigger, Boycie, Denzel.
22:23What a bunch of mums!
22:25Bloody hell!
22:26Oh, they look stupid!
22:27That was the fashion.
22:29There's your dad, Reg.
22:31Oh, yeah.
22:32There's your grandfather.
22:34There's me.
22:36Blimey, Sid!
22:37You look like an old git, even in them days.
22:41Yeah.
22:43I haven't really aged.
22:46See you later, Rodney.
22:47I've got to go and get something to eat.
22:49We do food here.
22:50Yeah, I know, I've tried it before.
22:53Fair enough.
22:54Sid, can I borrow this so I can get a copy made?
22:56I'm going to get it blown up
22:57and I'm going to embarrass Del with it for the rest of his life.
23:00I want it back, though.
23:01Yeah, yeah, of course.
23:07There you go.
23:08Oh, thanks, Tom.
23:10What are you smirking at?
23:12Nothing.
23:13You all right, Trigg?
23:15Nothing to report.
23:16Waiting for the glue to dry.
23:19All right, mum's the word, eh, Trigg?
23:21I hope you're going to be around on Saturday night.
23:24It's a very special evening.
23:26What is that, the brewery giving us a new governor?
23:28No, somebody's booked the pub for a do.
23:31And it's the first of my tribute nights.
23:34I've got a couple of young singers from Newcastle.
23:37They call themselves Lordy Geordie.
23:41They do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.
23:47Why?
23:50I didn't ask.
23:53The first act on is a David Bowie tribute.
23:56A carpenter.
23:57Calls himself Ziggy Sawdust.
24:03Make a note of that, will you, Rodney?
24:05Don't miss this.
24:07Yeah, sounds good, doesn't it?
24:13I've been thinking.
24:14I've got a good idea for one of our films here.
24:16What's that?
24:17Well, you know, Denzil and Marlene are running off together.
24:21These two people who've known each other since their teens,
24:24you know, and hid their passion for each other,
24:27and then when they reach middle age,
24:29they can't contain it no longer,
24:31so they rush into each other's arms.
24:34But this is Denzil and Marlene.
24:36Yeah, I know, we'll get someone nice, though, won't we?
24:39Nah, I can't do all that romance stuff.
24:41I'm more into science fiction.
24:43Yeah, I like all that as well, Dave.
24:47I mean, you think about space.
24:50It's everywhere, isn't it?
24:54You're right, you can't move for it, can you?
24:56Well, I read something the other day that was very frightening.
24:59Scientists have just discovered this gigantic black hole
25:02right on the very edge of our galaxy.
25:04And if our planet continues on its ever-widening orbit,
25:08then eventually we'll be sucked into it and destroyed.
25:11Well, I'll make sure I'm out that day.
25:14So when's this going to happen?
25:18Well, they can't be too specific, can they?
25:20They can't sort of say, you know,
25:22Saturday the 12th of March at half-past three, can they?
25:25No, well, you know, they can give us an idea,
25:27you know, give or take a fortnight.
25:29Well, roughly within two to three hundred million years.
25:36Oh, we got time for a quick one then, haven't we?
25:41So what are they going to do about it, Dave?
25:45Well, what are WHO going to do about it?
25:47Well, the government.
25:49Well, there's nothing...
25:51They're going to send McAlpines up with a spaceship full of bricks.
25:55No, they'll need more than one.
26:00Dale, I know you don't believe in all this UFO rubbish,
26:03but I've been sitting here looking out of that window at the sky
26:07and I suddenly noticed a star.
26:10Well, it's nitric, it happens.
26:12Yeah, but this star suddenly disappeared just for a split second
26:15and then it came back again.
26:17And then it disappeared.
26:19And then it came back again.
26:22And then it disappeared.
26:24And then it came back again.
26:26And then it came back again.
26:29Do you think that's a close encounter?
26:33No, it's called blinking.
26:39It's done it again, look.
26:41No, missed it.
26:49There it goes.
26:52It's amazing, isn't it, eh?
26:55Dear God.
27:00Trotters Independent Traders.
27:04Yeah? All right. Thank you, we'll be right down there.
27:07It's the manager of the Sopranos Pizza Parlour.
27:10We've found Denzil.
27:22Hey, Denzil, me old mate.
27:25All right, Dal.
27:27Hi, guys, hi, fellas. How's it going?
27:29Yeah, yes, fine.
27:31Just a wee word worried about you, me old mate.
27:33Oh, don't worry about me, I was just off.
27:35No, no, no, you sit down, sit down.
27:38Let's have a little chinwag, eh?
27:41There.
27:46Is there anything you'd like to tell us?
27:49We promise we won't be judgemental.
27:51These things happen.
27:53Who told you?
27:55Dal worked it out.
27:57Yeah, well, once Marlene went missing and so did you.
28:01You didn't have to be Jeremy Paxton to work out that you don't have to go.
28:06Run off with Marlene?
28:08Have you gone mad or what?
28:11Where you been, then?
28:12Well, if you must know, I've been in hospital.
28:14Hospital?
28:16Well, was there something wrong with you, then?
28:18Well, yes, of course there was something wrong with me.
28:21Well, then what?
28:23Look, I don't want to talk about it, Dal.
28:26It's been with me for quite a while.
28:29I didn't say anything to you or the others because...
28:32Well, I just didn't want to admit it to meself.
28:36Finally, the doctor said I've got to have the operation or...
28:41Or what?
28:44Trigger, you don't need to ask that question.
28:47When a bloke says, or, you know what he means.
28:51What?
28:55Look, I've had the operation and I'm feeling better now.
28:58It's just that the specialist said it could always return, you know?
29:02I've just got to live in hope.
29:06Look, let's get a drink.
29:08Four beers, please, over here.
29:11Hey, I didn't spot you lurking over here.
29:14How's it all going there?
29:17You and me have got mutual friend.
29:19That young nurse that was looking after you, Jolene,
29:22I took her out for a couple of drinks.
29:24She told me all about your case.
29:26I don't believe this. It's supposed to be confidential, Mickey.
29:29Yeah, well, like I said, she'd had a couple of drinks.
29:32I don't envy you at all, Denzel.
29:34My whole grandad suffered with piles.
29:40Piles?
29:42You've had piles?
29:44I always asked. Worried sick about you.
29:46And all you'd got was a touch of the PharmaGiles.
29:50Not piles, Derek. Super piles.
29:53All this fat over a few haemorrhoids.
29:56Haemorrhoids? They were more like gastroids.
29:59The surgeon said it was keel surgery.
30:02Forgot to say it was the keel to the Tower of Sodden, London.
30:06You want to see what he's done to me?
30:08No, thank you very much, Denzel. I'll just take your word for it.
30:13So what's all this about Marlene, then?
30:15She's gone missing. Nobody's seen her for about a week.
30:18No, we thought she was having an affair.
30:20It's funny you should say that, you know,
30:22because I was in town two weeks ago
30:24and I saw Marlene talking to this fella,
30:26all dressed up, low-cut blouse, high heels, full make-up, the lot.
30:32What's she seeing, a bloke like that?
30:35No, what the... He's talking about Marlene.
30:39You are talking about her, aren't you?
30:41Yeah. So maybe Boise found out Marlene was having an affair.
30:46And then he took out a very large life insurance policy on her.
30:56Oh, Boise, we were just passing through, thought we'd pop in.
31:00Well, you must appreciate I'm a very busy man.
31:03So, er, what can I do for you?
31:06Well, a cup of tea wouldn't go amiss.
31:08Oh.
31:09So, how's Marlene these days?
31:11She's fine.
31:12Oh, it's just we haven't seen her around lately, you know.
31:15No. And that's because she's, er, been away.
31:21I'll put the kettle on.
31:24Oh, I'm sorry.
31:26I'll put the kettle on.
31:30Hey, I see he's done her in.
31:32Look, you don't know that.
31:33What other explanation is there?
31:35Well, maybe she's staying with friends.
31:37Oh, don't be stupid. She's been missing for over a week.
31:40Who the hell's gonna have Marlene in their house for a week?
31:43Look, you be observant. This could make a nice little film.
31:47Look, we have got to be very careful about what we say.
31:50We could be making a terrible mistake,
31:52and one wrong word could cause a lot of pain and distress.
31:54Yes, you're right.
31:56Subtlety is the order of the day.
31:58Absolutely.
32:04Well?
32:05Right, well, Boise,
32:07I hope you won't take offence by what I'm about to say,
32:11but me and Rodney think you've murdered Marlene
32:14and buried her in the garden.
32:20Beautiful birds.
32:22How dare you?
32:24Murdered my wife and buried her in the garden?
32:26I have never been so insulted in all my life.
32:29You know how much I've spent on that garden.
32:31You think I'm gonna dig along with it?
32:34Oh, yeah. Never thought of that.
32:37So, what have you done with her, then?
32:39I have done nothing with her. She's upstairs.
32:42What? There you are, see? She's upstairs.
32:44What else is there to say?
32:46Well, dead or alive might help.
32:50Marlene and I will be down the pub tonight,
32:53then you will have all the proof you need, Inspector.
32:57Now, if you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to.
33:09See you later, Marlene.
33:13Well, she's... Oh, she's probably asleep.
33:16Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, right.
33:19See you later, Marlene!
33:24She's a deep sleeper.
33:27Yeah. She's dead to the world.
33:32See you tonight, boysy.
33:35Bonjour.