First broadcast 6th May 2015.
Charlie Brooker
Morgana Robinson Various
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Catriona Knox Emily Surname
Simon McCoy
Will Hutton
Robert Hazell
Charlie Brooker
Morgana Robinson Various
Diane Morgan Philomena Cunk
Al Campbell Barry Shitpeas
Catriona Knox Emily Surname
Simon McCoy
Will Hutton
Robert Hazell
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Election Wipe, a programme all about the campaign
00:25that's been happening.
00:26A campaign that's included things like this.
00:29The news has been calling it the most unpredictable election in decades.
00:33This election could be one of the most unpredictable.
00:35In one of the most unpredictable elections.
00:37Entirely unpredictable.
00:39The most unpredictable election.
00:40Unpredictable.
00:41This is the most unpredictable election.
00:43I knew they were going to say that.
00:45In a tight contest, politicians have been targeting specific groups.
00:49Cameron went after the Sikhs while Miliband courted the Hindus.
00:52But there was an awkward moment when Cameron forgot which football team he's claimed to
00:56support since childhood and was Aston vilified.
00:59Of course I'd rather you supported West Ham.
01:02Oh, um...
01:03And grave scenes for Miliband as a photo op turned into a literally monumental PR gaffe.
01:10With many predicting a hung parliament, Nick Clegg prepares to fulfil a vital role as a
01:14tough pub quiz question of the future.
01:16And biased BBC lackey Evan Davis subjected Nigel Farage to needlessly tough questions.
01:23Did you see the Paddington Bear movie last year?
01:25No.
01:26The election is incredibly close.
01:27In fact, it's tomorrow morning.
01:29But we start here.
01:31The 2015 general election campaign has lasted about a month, although it feels far longer.
01:36If you could vote to make it stop, you probably would.
01:38Actually, that's sort of what's going to happen.
01:41Before the campaign had even begun, all eyes were on Prime Minister David Cameron, who'd
01:45said this would be his last election.
01:47And things were already fractious.
01:48Critics accused him of being a chicken who was trying to avoid a live TV debate with
01:52a man he'd spent five years debating on live TV.
01:55Of course, Cameron's a dab hand at avoidance strategy, thanks to his odd habit of abruptly
01:59walking out of shot before reporters can ask any questions he might not want to answer.
02:04Right now, the key thing is getting everything done that we can in the next few hours to
02:08protect as many homes and communities as possible.
02:11Once the army's gone...
02:12OK, thank you.
02:13Fine.
02:14No, sir.
02:15That was...
02:16That was David Cameron there.
02:17But there was nowhere to run during Cameron versus Milovan, the battle for number 10,
02:20the desolation of Smaug, to give it its full title.
02:24Despite being billed as a kind of boxing match, the two men weren't actually going
02:27head-to-head.
02:28Instead, Cameron underwent a terrorising from establishment psychopath Jeremy Paxman, who
02:32opened with a characteristic ice maker.
02:35David Cameron, do you know how many food banks there were in this country when you came to
02:38power?
02:39Oh, good.
02:40It's a quiz.
02:41There were 66 when you came to power.
02:43There are now 421.
02:46Sounds bad.
02:47But on the plus side, Britain's abject desperation industry is booming.
02:50We changed the rules.
02:51The previous government didn't allow jobcentres to advertise the existence of food banks.
02:56They thought it would be bad PR.
02:57Yeah, they're not allowed to advertise nooses for much of the same reason.
03:01Next, Silver Fox torture chamber Paxman cornered the PM on zero-hours contracts, and Cameron
03:06tried to wriggle out with a zero-content answer.
03:08I am saying there are 700,000 people on zero-hours contracts.
03:13Could you live on one?
03:14Look, as I said, some people...
03:15Could you live on one?
03:17I want to create a country where more people have the opportunity of the full-time work
03:23that they want.
03:24Could you live on a zero-hours contract?
03:27That's not the question.
03:28The question is...
03:29It's the question I'm asking.
03:31Paxman won't settle for that.
03:32No.
03:33He'll smack you round the chops with an anecdote.
03:34A colleague of mine this morning spoke to a man in the North East, Patrick.
03:39He walks four hours to and from work.
03:42When he gets there, he doesn't know whether he's on for one hour or two hours, or if he's
03:46lucky, longer, and then he has to walk home again.
03:49To be fair, he does work as a shoe tester.
03:52Once Cameron was dispensed with, it was the turn of Play-Doh IT manager and Labour leader
03:56Ed Miliband.
03:57The general sense of anticipation for Miliband couldn't have been much lower.
04:00In fact, provided he didn't weep or defecate live on air, he'd be doing better than expected.
04:04To date, the most inspiring public appearance Miliband had ever made was this one earlier
04:08this year, where he was applauded for saying, uh, uh, oh, stirring stuff.
04:18And even that soaring rhetoric wasn't enough to counter the general image of him as a spod
04:22and a dweeb and a weed and a nerd and a spod again.
04:25Many said it was hard to imagine him standing in front of number 10, even when they saw
04:28him standing in front of a number 10.
04:31Before meeting Paxo, he faced the public, where it quickly became apparent this was
04:34a new Miliband we were seeing, one giving off the sort of relaxed, cheerful assurance
04:38that can only be battered into you by hours of intensive coaching.
04:42He was smiling, standing casually with his legs apart and one hand in his pocket like
04:45a trendy teacher, and scuttling to his lectern and coming back out again like a robotic hoover
04:50that needs to recharge.
04:51And he didn't seem too fazed when punters he couldn't locate asked him tricky questions
04:55about his brother David.
04:56Hi, over here.
04:57Oh, hi.
04:58Do you not think that your brother would have done a better job?
05:02Bless him, he thinks it's hilarious.
05:05It's not fair to say he stabbed his brother in the back.
05:07I mean, look, he did it to his face.
05:09But next it was time for the blood sports to commence, as Paxman the Impaler came at
05:13him with a blunt instrument.
05:14Ed Miliband, do you think Britain is full in terms of immigration?
05:19No, in terms of pudding.
05:21There were testy exchanges between the pair of them, although Miliband, rather than letting
05:24Paxo rip him a new one as expected, fought back, even mustering the odd zinger.
05:29You don't get to decide the election results six weeks before the general election.
05:32You're important, Jeremy, but not that important.
05:34It's the British people.
05:35I don't want to...
05:36It's the British people.
05:37I don't want to decide.
05:38No, come on.
05:39Pinked by this, Jezo resorted to some shaggy dog gags of his own.
05:41A bloke on the tube said to me last week...
05:44Bullshit!
05:45Ed Miliband goes into a room with Vladimir Putin, the door is closed, two minutes later
05:50the door is opened again and Vladimir Putin is standing there smiling and Ed Miliband
05:54is all over the floor in pieces.
05:56That'd never happen, Vladimir Putin can't smile.
05:59You understand what the point is here?
06:01The point is people think you're just not tough enough.
06:04Well, let me tell you, right?
06:06Let me tell you, OK?
06:09Let me tell you.
06:10Oh, it's all right, Ed, they're not laughing at you, they're just laughing over you.
06:13Quick, knock him dead with a soundbite.
06:15Am I tough enough?
06:16Am I tough enough?
06:17Hell yes, I'm tough enough.
06:18Oh, God, I think I just ruptured my cringing pipes.
06:22Worse was to come and as Miliband kept fighting his corner, Paxman readied the death blow.
06:27Newspapers can write what they like, the bloke on the tube can say what he likes.
06:30I don't care, because I care about the British people and what happens to them.
06:33The thing is...
06:39They see he was a North London geek.
06:42They see he was a North London geek.
06:44Wait a minute, how did we get here?
06:46Surely the relationship between politicians and TV wasn't always this overtly hostile,
06:50was it?
06:51Answer, no.
06:53Way back yonder, television was seen as a novelty, a sort of high-tech variety club
06:57with little relevance to politicians who expected deferential treatment and got it.
07:01Well now, Mr Eden, with your very considerable experience of foreign affairs,
07:06it's quite obvious that I should start by asking you something about the international situation today,
07:10or perhaps you would prefer to talk about her.
07:12When shall it be?
07:13But this cosy relationship changed when the launch of ITV heralded ITN News,
07:17which ripped up the establishment rulebook on political reporting
07:19and made a star of the abrasive Robin Day.
07:22Will you please get out of the way of my camera?
07:24In 1958, Day interviewed Prime Minister and footballer Harold Macmillan
07:28and asked him a question which seems mild by today's standards,
07:30but at the time was seen as outrageous.
07:33How do you feel, Prime Minister, about criticism which has been made in the last few days,
07:37in conservative newspapers particularly, of Mr Selwyn Lloyd, the Foreign Secretary?
07:41It caused an outcry but set the tone for less deferential times to come.
07:44In the 1960s, the Profumo scandal tarnished the public view of politicians
07:49and the concurrent TV satire boom made them wider targets for mockery.
07:52The power balance between TV and politicians was shifting
07:56and some political figures seemed openly affronted by the change in tone.
07:59Try and turn it into a party issue is really beyond belief contemptible.
08:05Do you feel that those who have spoken out, the bishops, the times and so on,
08:08have tried to turn it into a party issue?
08:09I think you have.
08:10Thank you, Lord Young.
08:11Politicians gradually learned to accept that what you said on TV
08:14wasn't as important as the way you came across
08:16and as a result, they became more polished.
08:19Confronted by slicker opponents,
08:20the interviewers were forced to up their game to try and unsettle them.
08:23In Robin Day's case, that meant becoming even more abrasive.
08:26Why should the public on this issue, with regards to the future of the Royal Navy,
08:30believe you, a transient, here today and, if I may say so, gone tomorrow,
08:36politician, rather than a senior officer of many years?
08:38I'm sorry, I'm shut up.
08:39It's ridiculous, Robin.
08:42Thank you, Mr Mott.
08:43And as interviewers got more aggressive, politicians got more evasive.
08:47I was entitled to be consulted.
08:48Did you threaten to overrule?
08:49I was not entitled to instruct Derek Lewis.
08:53Did you threaten to overrule him?
08:54The truth of the matter is...
08:56Did you threaten to overrule him?
08:57I did not overrule Derek Lewis.
08:59Did you threaten to overrule him?
09:00I took advice.
09:01As the two frustrated sides repeatedly locked horns,
09:04the relationship grew ever more competitive and sour.
09:07What on earth are you talking about?
09:09Do you want to address the question or not?
09:10Let me finish.
09:11You called me an attack dog because I've got a Glasgow accent.
09:16It's nothing to do with having a Glasgow accent.
09:18Who's mentioned anything about a Glasgow accent?
09:20Can we get on to the substance?
09:22Yes, have you stopped insulting people?
09:24Eventually, almost all political interviews came to resemble
09:26two people trapped in a loveless marriage,
09:29bickering on their way home from a shit dinner party.
09:31I'm fed up with you telling me what I think.
09:33I don't care what you're fed up with.
09:35And this year's election coverage hasn't been any less frosty.
09:38In the real world, Andrew, where I live,
09:40OK, unlike where you live and many other people...
09:43You have no idea where I live, just answer the question.
09:45In the real world, where I live, I'm London geek.
09:48And that brings us back to where we were.
09:51They see you as a North London geek.
09:56Who cares?
09:57Of course, MPs are used to getting a rough ride on TV,
10:00which they also will, incidentally, throughout this show,
10:02because for the sake of even-handedness,
10:04I've got to be horrible about all of them.
10:05So if I call David Cameron a boob,
10:07I have to call Ed Miliband a boob,
10:09and Nick Clegg a boob, and Nigel Farage a boob,
10:11and Natalie Bennett a boob, and Nicola Sturgeon a boob,
10:14and Leanne Wood a boob, and this kitten a boob,
10:16and myself a boob, even though I'm a prick.
10:19That's how balance works.
10:20Meanwhile, the contenders had begun heaping insults on each other
10:23as an emboldened Miliband launched the Labour campaign
10:26and took the opportunity to lay into Cameron.
10:28What did we see last night?
10:30We saw a rattled Prime Minister running from his record.
10:34Yes, and round that ragged record, the rattled rascal ran.
10:37Faced with this cockier Miliband,
10:38Cameron responded by striking a statesman-like pose
10:41as Parliament was dissolved.
10:42I've just had an audience with Her Majesty the Queen.
10:45Yeah, well, I've just had a Twix. Who's the f***ing winner here?
10:48The next Prime Minister walking through that door
10:51will be me or Ed Miliband.
10:53And having posed that cliffhanger, he then answered it
10:56by being the next Prime Minister to walk through that door.
10:58So far, the focus had been on Cameron and Miliband,
11:01but we no longer live in a two-party system
11:03or a three-party system or even a system.
11:05We may well be heading for a hung Parliament,
11:07but how would that work?
11:09Well, here to make some sense of it is Philomena Kunk.
11:11Over to you, Philomena.
11:15I'm in a sort of PlayStation House of Commons,
11:18which you can see and I can't because it's all green where I am.
11:22This election's important for politicians
11:24because if they lose, they get hung.
11:27And it's all about winning seats, which is weird
11:30because, as you can see, they're actually benches.
11:33The important bit's that white dotted finish line down there.
11:37Basically, when the votes come in,
11:39they sit in rows like a school photo
11:41until there's enough of them to go over that line.
11:44So if the Tories do brilliantly,
11:46or breed and make loads of new blue-flavoured MPs,
11:49it might look like this.
11:52See, the benches are filling up with blue stuff,
11:54like a tenor lady pad.
11:55In this case, they've got 335s worth,
11:59which means they flood over the line and they've won Britain.
12:03But what would happen if Labour did sort of OK,
12:06but not as good as that?
12:08See, that's not enough to get them over the winning line
12:10and apparently, they're not allowed to just shuffle along,
12:13sort of spacing their bums apart along the benches,
12:16so they are over the line.
12:18Instead, they have to borrow MPs off other parties.
12:22So, say they nicked 25 Liberal Democrats.
12:26That's something, but not enough.
12:29So they might have to get some SNP people in,
12:32like they've promised they definitely won't.
12:35And that does take them over the line,
12:37and the SNP and Lib Dem colours are so similar,
12:40they'd probably get on.
12:42The Tories and UKIP don't want that to happen,
12:44but the ones who'd be most angry are the Greens,
12:47because the benches were green to start with,
12:50before all the other colours came in.
12:52So they were winning by 100%,
12:55and now they've been left with fuck all, but that's democracy.
13:00Anyway, it doesn't matter what happens in here,
13:02it's outside in Great England Kingdom,
13:05where the politics actually happens.
13:07And apparently, if I do this with my arms, I'm outside now.
13:12Has it happened?
13:14Has it happened yet?
13:16Has it happened? Has it?
13:19OK.
13:20Just nod next time.
13:22So, I'm standing outside on Britain, but it's not real Britain,
13:27it's sort of jigsaw Britain.
13:28Oh, I can see it on the monitor.
13:31It's like being Godzilla or that illegal weatherman.
13:35Actually, I don't want to fall over the edge,
13:37I'll just take a few steps forward.
13:39Anyway, what happens next is some column tower things
13:43come up out of the ground,
13:45which is exactly what happened in the 2010 election.
13:50These columns aren't really there,
13:52although it looks like they are there,
13:54because I've walked behind them.
13:56So this is basically like the Matrix, it's mental.
14:00And there's also this one, which is more sort of glassy and fragile
14:05and has numbers everywhere.
14:07And as you can see, there's literally no point
14:09trying to make any sense of it.
14:11It's that complicated.
14:13Anyway, that's all with the graphics,
14:15so it's back to you, Mr Brooker,
14:17if you can hear me from wherever you are.
14:19Thank you, Philomena.
14:21Well, as you can see, it's quite complex,
14:23so to help you make up your mind, there were some multi-party debates.
14:28Sorry.
14:29Seven party leaders go face-to-face, live,
14:33in the ITV Leaders' Debate.
14:35The seven-way ITV mega-debate
14:37was essentially a colourful reboot of Borgan,
14:39presided over by Julie Etchingham,
14:41dressed in the style of someone about to extol the virtues of Oral-B pro-enamel.
14:45All the familiar suspects were present,
14:47Eddie Milbank, Sea Leg, Admiral Ackbar and Dav Cam 2000,
14:50situated near the exit in case he felt the urge
14:52to abruptly walk out of shot, as per usual.
14:54But there were also three comparatively new faces,
14:57female faces, that belonged to women.
14:59One such woman was Natalie Bennett,
15:01all the way from Sydney, representing the Green Party.
15:04Not sure how she got here from Australia.
15:06I hope she f***ing walked.
15:07We know we must take real action on climate change,
15:11the biggest threat facing us all.
15:14Other parties trade in fear,
15:17fear of immigrants demonising people on benefits.
15:22To be fair, you just told me to be scared of weather.
15:25Then there was Leanne Wood from Plaid Cymru.
15:27Prior to the debate, as Channel 4 News ably demonstrated,
15:29Leanne Wood wasn't very well known,
15:31even amongst the population of the Welsh town of Bangor.
15:34Do you know who that is?
15:36I haven't got a clue. I haven't got a clue.
15:38Erm... No.
15:40An actress?
15:41But now, here she was on primetime TV,
15:43her specialist subject mentioning Wales.
15:46Plaid Cymru can win for Wales,
15:49but you can only do that with your support.
15:53I'm asking you to support Plaid Cymru, the Party of Wales,
15:58to make our communities in Wales as strong as they can be.
16:02In Wales.
16:04Please support Plaid Cymru
16:06to make Plaid Cymru Wales' voice in Westminster.
16:10And Wales.
16:12Finally, there was the SNP's nice mum
16:14from a sensible biscuit commercial, Nicola Sturgeon,
16:16a woman trapped in a forced marriage
16:18that she literally has to pretend is tolerable.
16:20My message to people watching in England, Wales and Northern Ireland
16:23is one of friendship.
16:25The sort of friendship you treasure so much you want to annul it.
16:28Many remarked that the format resembled a game show,
16:31but it actually felt like seven game shows all happening at once,
16:34specifically Total Wipeout, Pointless, Blankety Blank, Robot Wars,
16:38Are You Smarter Than A Ten-Year-Old,
16:40The Great British Break-Up and The Immigration Game.
16:43The debate certainly helped potential voters make up their minds
16:46about a much-needed platform in which differing political views
16:49could be aired clearly and coherently and all at the same time.
16:52No immigration. I want to come back on that.
16:54This is the second time. Thank you, Nigel Farage.
16:56This is the second time in this debate.
16:58Can I answer the Syria question?
17:00I want to come back for it.
17:02Thank you, David Cameron.
17:04Well, that settles it. One person who made a splash was Nigel Farage.
17:07One of the best bits was when Nigel Fridge pointed out
17:10how much it costs when foreign people come over here
17:13with HIV smuggled inside them.
17:15There are 7,000 diagnoses in this country every year
17:19for people who are HIV positive.
17:21It's not a good place for any of them to be, I know.
17:24But 60% of them are not British nationals.
17:28It got a sort of negative response, but I don't think he went far enough.
17:32I mean, foreign HIV people are expensive,
17:35but I bet asylum seekers with cancer cost even more, the bastards.
17:40And that Pakistani schoolgirl who got shot in the head by the Taliban,
17:44the shitload of surgery she got out of us, how much did that cost?
17:47She didn't even offer to pay it back.
17:50She's too busy swanning round the world, giving speeches to the UN.
17:54Jammy cow.
17:56Immigration is one of the key issues of this election.
17:59As the news has made clear, everyone's talking about it.
18:02Can you put your hand up if you think that immigration
18:06is the most important issue here?
18:09The news strives to present a balanced take on immigration at all times,
18:13but often leads to bland and uniform coverage.
18:15That's the problem with immigration reports, they all look the same.
18:18And here to prove it is generic reporter Emily Surname,
18:21with every news report on immigration ever.
18:24A beefeater, afternoon tea, the White Cliffs of Dover,
18:29all iconic and easy to locate in the archive.
18:33Perhaps that's why they've all come to symbolise traditional Britain.
18:37But modern Britain isn't just about what Wikipedia describes
18:41as a section of coastline composed of plates of calcium carbonate.
18:45That's why I'm walking down a busy street
18:48amongst people of varied cultural backgrounds
18:51while appearing slightly detached
18:53and talking like I'm narrating a nature programme.
18:56Immigration didn't start with these West Indian immigrants in the 1950s,
19:00but since these are the earliest pictures available,
19:03TV reports on immigration sometimes do.
19:06There's also this sort of footage, which is rather edgy and bleak.
19:10It's quickly mixed through to something nice happening,
19:13although obviously it's only nice if you're not a racist.
19:16Fast forward to the present and you get this sort of thing nowadays.
19:20A niqab, a Polish shop, Chinatown, someone Welsh, a robot.
19:27By and large, they coexist harmoniously,
19:30but there can be tensions, tensions that can run high.
19:35These builders might have come from Eastern Europe or from Chichester.
19:40It's impossible to tell without asking them,
19:42which I don't have time to do
19:44because I'm about to mix through into an impressionistic montage
19:47overlaid with data too dull to take in.
19:50After that, shots of a man I'll pause with faint amusement
19:54before introducing Nigel Farage.
19:58This is Nigel Farage drinking a pint of beer.
20:02This is Nigel Farage drinking a pint of beer.
20:05This is Nigel Farage drinking a pint of beer.
20:09And this is Nigel Farage laughing and drinking a pint of beer.
20:14David Cameron isn't drinking a pint of beer in this shot.
20:17Instead, he's walking and looking serious.
20:20Ed Miliband seems happier in this shot,
20:23in which he also isn't drinking a pint of beer.
20:26These men are drinking a pint of beer,
20:28and this one looks more stereotypical than the other,
20:31so I'll ask his opinion.
20:33Because ultimately there's too many of them, there's just too many.
20:36I mean, we can't even be English anymore, there's no point.
20:39Despite my patronising nodding, not everyone agrees,
20:42something I'm going to illustrate for balance,
20:45although I'll pick a white person to do it
20:47so you don't think they've got a vested interest.
20:50Well, I just think anyone who talks about immigration
20:53as being blatantly racist.
20:55While some just don't know what to think.
20:57Yeah, I don't know what to think, to be honest.
21:00Whatever your views on immigration, there's no denying
21:03it's been mentioned during this campaign,
21:06and whenever it's mentioned, people are talking about it.
21:09In my case, talking without expressing any opinion,
21:13because that's balance.
21:15And once this link's finished and the camera's off,
21:18I'll find a coffee shop toilet to have a shit in and then go home.
21:23Emily's surname, election wipe, television.
21:27Most politicians don't want to talk about immigration
21:29until they're safely in their own car.
21:31In 2010, Gordon Brown pissed on his campaign chips
21:34by loftily dismissing a voter who'd raised the issue.
21:37She's just a sort of bigoted woman.
21:39You might not like this, but he said,
21:41what a disaster, who got me to talk to that woman?
21:44She's a bigot, or words to that effect.
21:46We want to know your response to that.
21:48You're joking!
21:49He didn't think that was bad, he even did a Sarky Zieg Heil
21:52as he got in his car.
21:53One politician determined to confront the issue is Nigel Farage,
21:56failing to notice the TARDIS materialising in front of him.
21:59Farage has succeeded in placing immigration
22:01at the forefront of the national conversation,
22:03partly by mentioning it at every possible opportunity,
22:06like the time he said he'd been late for an event
22:08because the M4 was jammed with immigrants.
22:10Well, it took me six hours and 15 minutes in the car to get here.
22:13It should have taken three and a half to four.
22:15That has nothing to do with professionalism.
22:17What it does have to do with is a country
22:19in which the population is going through the roof,
22:22chiefly because of open-door immigration
22:24and the fact that the M4 is not as navigable as it used to be.
22:27UKIP have won over many voters who feel other parties pussyfoot
22:30around immigration thanks to political correctness.
22:32Although, of course, one drawback with unapologetically tackling
22:35that sort of topic is you're often called upon to apologise.
22:38Somewhere, somehow, somebody in UKIP has made a very major error.
22:42This is our fault, it's the party's fault, hands up.
22:44If I gave the impression in that interview
22:46that I was discriminating against Romanians,
22:48then I apologise certainly for that.
22:50UKIP leader Nigel Farage apologises in person
22:53to the Thai woman described as a ting-tong by one of his MEPs.
22:57But, you know, mega, mega apologies.
23:01Love or loathe Farage, he's a character,
23:03and having character is like gold dust to politicians.
23:06That's why they go out of their way to fake it.
23:08There's a phenomenon in robotics known as the uncanny valley,
23:11the point at which a bot looks human but not human enough
23:14to be anything other than eerie.
23:16And that effectively describes how many feel
23:18about the bulk of contemporary politicians,
23:20that there's a whiff of the bland uncanny valley about them.
23:23By comparison, Farage is full of life,
23:25coughing a pint, guffawing, wearing his trademark coat,
23:28checking the White Cliffs of Dover are still there.
23:30The combination of a big issue and a big personality
23:33has made UKIP a big deal,
23:34although their campaign hasn't always gone to plan.
23:36There were awkward poster reveals, a UKIP pledge card,
23:39which is simple and informative, but let's be frank,
23:41it's clearly too big to carry in your pocket.
23:43And there were protests, which meant on one occasion
23:45Farage had to smuggle himself into his own event,
23:47a bit like an illegal immigrant.
23:49The bus driver saw these people, went round the side,
23:52and Mr Farage went in that entrance.
23:55And he had to answer questions about the polls.
23:57But do you know something?
23:58I'm not sure I take these polls very seriously.
24:00They're all over the shop.
24:01Yeah, but they don't call it a shop.
24:03They call it a polski sklep.
24:05Throughout this campaign, there was talk of a Sturgeon surge,
24:07turning the SNP leader into a sort of tartan Kardashian,
24:10posing for so many selfies,
24:12she must have appeared on more phones than Doodle Jump.
24:14You remember Doodle Jump?
24:16This was good news for the SNP
24:18who had a warehouse full of spare I Agree With Nick merchandise
24:21that had been knocking around since 2010,
24:23which could be easily updated with a minimum of effort.
24:25Yes, last time we had a general election,
24:27Nick Clegg was Nicholas Sturgeon, so to speak.
24:30Back then, he seemed different, refreshing.
24:32One of us, not one of them.
24:34I believe it's time to do things differently.
24:36I believe it's time for fairness in Britain.
24:39I believe it's time for promises to be kept.
24:43Should have promised to break some promises,
24:45then he'd have been fine.
24:47It was the blunt reality of coalition and compromise,
24:49and soon the Lib Dems broke their pledge on tuition fees,
24:52a development which led to a light outbreak of rioting
24:54and much personal derision for Clegg,
24:56the only man who seems to get less attractive the more power he gets.
24:59Soon Golden Boy was on TV with a new message
25:01that sounded like a sorrowful voicemail from a remorseful ex-boyfriend.
25:04There's no easy way to say this.
25:06We made a pledge.
25:08We didn't stick to it.
25:10And for that, I am sorry.
25:12You're not promising you're sorry, are you?
25:14I will never again make a pledge unless as a party
25:17we are absolutely clear about how we can keep it.
25:20Hang on, did you just promise not to make a pledge?
25:23Cos my logic glands can't f***ing handle this.
25:25Anyway, fast forward to now,
25:27and the Lib Dems launch their manifesto in a trendy art space.
25:30This time around it contains no rash promises,
25:32which doesn't sound very promising.
25:34They are making claims about eliminating the deficit
25:36and splashing money on the NHS,
25:38but the Lib Dems' chief pledge, OK, promise,
25:40is to provide stability.
25:42No-one is going to hold the balance of power on 8 May,
25:46and it won't be David Cameron or Ed Miliband.
25:49But it could be...
25:51Keira Knightley?
25:52Nigel Farage.
25:53Close enough.
25:55It could be...
25:56Mr Bump?
25:57Alex Salmond.
25:59A bit more likely, I suppose.
26:01Or it could be me and the Liberal Democrats.
26:04Oh. Can I have Mr Bump again?
26:06What the Lib Dems are chiefly offering
26:08is a chance to temper the other party's extremes.
26:11The blob of sour cream that cools the hot chilli,
26:13the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down,
26:16the lube on the broom handle.
26:18Every Liberal Democrat MP
26:20makes Labour's reckless borrowing less likely.
26:23Every Liberal Democrat MP
26:25makes George Osborne's ideological cuts less likely.
26:28No likey, no likely.
26:30The Liberal Democrats will add a heart to a Conservative government
26:34and a brain to a Labour one.
26:36And a prick to either of them.
26:38The question really is whether voters will think
26:40the pledge to counter extremity is a tepid offer
26:42or a shrewd and useful one,
26:44given the uncertain game of political pinball we're facing.
26:46And, of course, it depends on whether some voters
26:48can overcome their bitterness with Clegg himself.
26:50I'm a university lecturer.
26:52I've lost a lot of good students thanks to Nick Clegg.
26:55I'd be burns in hell, personally.
26:57I think you'll find, as a Liberal Democrat,
26:59he'll actually make hell less hot.
27:01Speaking of hot, smouldering Ed Miliband
27:03was busy drawing battle lines
27:05by announcing a clampdown on non-DOMs.
27:07The next Labour government will abolish the non-DOM rule.
27:10Of course, one danger of clamping down on ultra-rich non-DOMs
27:13is the country might lose money if some of them go and live abroad
27:16like they're already pretending to.
27:18By highlighting non-DOMs, Miliband was trying to paint the Conservatives
27:21as a party of privileged elitists,
27:23something he probably learned to do while growing up in Primrose Hill
27:26or Oxford University or the London School of Economics
27:29or Harvard or the Treasury.
27:31But while Labour wanted to discuss the mega-rich,
27:33the Tories were fixated on mega-death
27:35in the form of the Trident nuclear programme.
27:37Trident apparently helps keep Britain safe
27:39in the way only a terrifying arsenal of devastating nuclear warheads
27:42that could be fired in anger or error at a moment's notice can.
27:45It's kept up in Scotland because that's closer to Moscow than London is,
27:48so if we had to nuke Russia, the missiles would have less distance to fly,
27:51which is good for the environment.
27:53I'm surprised the Greens are against it.
27:55The SNP are also against renewing Trident.
27:57They'd prefer to spend the money on something more useful,
27:59like a giant white flag.
28:01Labour want to keep Trident,
28:03but Ed couldn't be trusted with it.
28:05We've already seen with Mr Miliband that he'll do anything to get into power.
28:08We saw that when he fought his own brother for the leadership.
28:11Still, a contradictory picture of Miliband was emerging from his critics.
28:14On the one hand, he was a nerdy weakling.
28:16On the other, a backstabbing ladies' man.
28:18I haven't found a villain this hard to understand
28:20since Bane from The Dark Knight Rises.
28:22But a curious thing happened.
28:24Rather than wondering whether Miliband was fit to lead,
28:26people began wondering whether he was just fit.
28:28Yes, somehow he was blossoming into an unlikely sex symbol.
28:31I mean, he'd been used to women turning their backs on him,
28:33but now they were doing it because they wanted a selfie.
28:36Selfie! Selfie!
28:38And when fans weren't posing for Eddie Grahams,
28:40they were Photoshopping him into wank bank scenarios,
28:42courtesy of the Millie fandom.
28:44So at the very moment, the Tories were saying,
28:46do you really want this man to have his finger
28:48on that all-important red button?
28:50Lots of women were saying, yeah.
28:52The danger now for Diddy Cambo was that continued attacks
28:55on Miliband's character could make people see him
28:57as the leader of the nasty party,
28:59an image he'd do almost anything to neutralise.
29:02Now, bizarrely, the Prime Minister said
29:05he's taken an Easter break from campaigning today
29:08to try his hand at suckling orphan baby lambs.
29:13Oh, that little face.
29:15Oh, I just want to nuzzle in there for a great big cuddle
29:17as soon as he puts down that revolting lamb.
29:19Still, it's authentic.
29:21Cameron loves animals. Lambs, chickens, cows.
29:23Look, here he is meeting a load of them
29:25down his local Beast's Mausoleum
29:27for a publicity stunt on The Beeb.
29:29I like the thighs cos they're very juicy.
29:31You're talking about the chicken or the butcher?
29:33So is David your most famous customer?
29:35Oh, certainly not. There are plenty around here.
29:38Mr Clarkson, I expect, pops in from time to time, doesn't he?
29:41Yeah, but Clarkson drops by after they've shut
29:43demanding a steak and threatening to punch an underling.
29:46Underlining his support for the animal kingdom,
29:48Big Dave C also blithely stood by
29:50as creatures were publicly barbecued at this photo-op,
29:53which was meant to make him look like a regular guy
29:55until he was pictured eating a hot dog with a knife and fork.
29:58Christ, and you think that's posh? He eats crisps with a spoon.
30:01Meanwhile, George Osborne was out,
30:03highlighting the economy and donning the garb
30:05of the regular working man.
30:07Osborne's almost always in high-vis these days.
30:09Look, there he goes, helping to load boxes onto a lorry.
30:11That's it, take a heavy one. Cheers, mate!
30:13Here he is in high-vis in a bottling plant.
30:16Here he is touring a building site.
30:18Here he is checking out some very important plans.
30:20Here he is operating a digger.
30:22Here he is breaking into the vault
30:24of the Hatton Garden Safe Deposit Company.
30:26Hang on a minute, I thought the Tories were quite well-to-do.
30:29What would they need to rob a vault for?
30:31David Cameron promised an extra £8 billion a year
30:34for the health service in England by 2020,
30:36saying the money would come from a strong economy
30:38under a Tory government.
30:40Jesus, no wonder George couldn't tell Andrew Marr
30:42how they were going to pay for that.
30:44He's just found an extra £8 billion.
30:46All I'm asking is, where does it come from?
30:48No higher taxes, extra public spending cuts where?
30:51Well, it's part of our balanced plan,
30:53and if you look over the last five years...
30:55That's not really an answer. Well, it is, actually.
30:57About halfway through the campaign
30:59came the most exciting bit, Manifesto Week.
31:03First, Labour showed us theirs.
31:05The last Labour manifesto in 2010
31:07showed a family enjoying a nuclear holocaust
31:09and wasn't a great success.
31:11But the 2015 offering focused on painstaking fiscal prudence,
31:14with a booklet so austere it even had a front cover
31:16a bit like a Tesco Economy brand tin of tomatoes.
31:19In this topsy-turvy election, this was Labour's attempt
31:21to adopt the traditional Tory mantle
31:23of financial responsibility.
31:25And that might be a bit of an ask,
31:27since, as this illuminating documentary footage
31:29makes supremely clear, both Ed Miliband and Ed Balls
31:31had served in Gordon Brown's Treasury
31:33back when banks were free to swing from tars
31:35and fling their own shit around.
31:37Back then, Eddie Baby hung around behind Gordon Brown
31:39like an awkward teenage relative.
31:41Now he's strutted to the stage
31:43to promise financial responsibility,
31:45underpinned by his fiscal triple lock.
31:47A clear vow to protect our nation's finances.
31:50A triple lock of responsibility.
31:52Actually, that triple lock phrase seems sort of familiar.
31:55Maybe he swiped it off David Cameron,
31:57who used it back in 2007.
31:59So we propose a new triple lock on stability.
32:02Typical Labour, always borrowing.
32:04Next, it was the Tories' turn.
32:06Their manifesto resembled an insurance document,
32:08but somehow even more boring.
32:10The bacon-faced Bullingdon Borg clonked into position
32:13in front of a backdrop designed to make him look
32:15like he was trapped in an inspirational poster
32:18and promised voters a good life.
32:20The next five years are about turning
32:22the good news in our economy
32:24into a good life for you and your family.
32:27Thereby evoking visions of the charming BBC sitcom
32:30of the same name.
32:31So presumably in Cameron's Britain,
32:33you can look forward to a lifetime of scrabbling around in mud
32:35with pigs in the back of your garden
32:37while rich neighbours snoot down their noses at you.
32:39The big sexy policy announcement
32:41was a plan to give tenants in housing association properties
32:43the right to buy their homes.
32:45The next Conservative government will extend the right to buy
32:48to all housing association tenants in our country.
32:51Critics immediately claimed
32:53this would actually lead to fewer affordable homes.
32:55But look on the bright side.
32:57At the moment, only the fortunate few are rich enough to buy houses,
32:59which isn't fair.
33:00But if we end up with fewer affordable homes,
33:02then no-one will be able to afford to buy houses,
33:04and that's a level playing field,
33:06which the homeless can build houses on.
33:08Cameron then finished with a little rhyme.
33:10Let us not go back to square one.
33:12Let us finish what we've begun.
33:14Oh, he's a poet and he doesn't know it,
33:16because robots can't process poetry.
33:18Anyway, despite their differences,
33:20all three of the trad parties were basically all trying to appeal to the little guy.
33:23The average schmo. Common people.
33:25Common f***ing people. F***ing people.
33:28That's who they want to represent. F***ing people.
33:30Yes, the Conservative Party,
33:32the real party of f***ing people in our country today.
33:37The future of our country does not simply come from a few at the top.
33:41It comes from every f***ing person in our country.
33:46We can say that we will cut taxes for millions of f***ing people
33:50because that's what we've done.
33:52Not when we only reward those with the six-figure bonuses,
33:55but when we reward the hard work of every f***ing person in our country.
34:02It means we can proudly say
34:04that this is the party of f***ing people.
34:07For millions of f***ers, not just the party of f***ing f***s,
34:11but us, the party of f***ing f***s.
34:21Thank you very much.
34:24Meanwhile, the Green Party, motivated by a huge number of people,
34:28Meanwhile, the Green Party, motivated by a cynical and ugly desire
34:32to safeguard humankind's very existence,
34:34launched their manifesto at an event in Hackney.
34:37Their planet-conscious to-do list wasn't available in Dead Tree format.
34:40Instead, it existed online, which is far more eco-friendly
34:43because all you need to read it then is a factory-built computer
34:46and a constant supply of electricity.
34:48The Greens are concerned that, thanks to climate change,
34:50there soon might not be any clouds for them to keep their heads in,
34:53while the other parties protect their heads from environmental catastrophe
34:56by burying them in the sand.
34:58But at the Green manifesto event,
35:00there almost seemed to be more discussion of economy than ecology.
35:03At the heart of this manifesto is a vision of a fair economy.
35:09That fair economy demands the end to austerity.
35:13It demands that we restore and enhance the essential public services
35:18that we all, but particularly the most vulnerable, need.
35:22Fascist!
35:23The Greens clearly believe they're the goodies.
35:25One of them even looks like Bill Otti.
35:27But it turned out their financial plans haven't been thoroughly checked out.
35:30You haven't actually independently audited these figures at all.
35:33So we have to work on the figures using our own resources
35:36and doing what we think is sensible.
35:38Yes, and some of what they think is sensible sounds like bloody good fun.
35:41Here's another vision that you've outlined in your manifesto,
35:44to free all caged farm animals,
35:46chickens and pigs, out of the cages, roaming around freely.
35:49That's going to kill big farm business, isn't it?
35:52Maybe, but on the plus side, it's a real winner
35:54for any hens that have registered to vote.
35:56Anyway, when Channel 4's Michael Crick hit the Hackney streets,
35:59he struggled to find people impressed with the Green vision.
36:02They can afford to be idealistic cos, you know,
36:04it's easy to write a manifesto that's never actually going to come into practice.
36:08Jesus Christ!
36:09The one thing this election didn't have enough of was debates.
36:13There were only about 60.
36:15How are you meant to make your mind up with that?
36:18The BBC did a debate which was like the ITV one
36:21but without Cameron and Clegg.
36:22I think they'd been knocked out,
36:24so this was a bit like Judges' Hours this week on X Factor,
36:27but with talking instead of singing.
36:29Instead of being in Simon Cowell's villa, it was in David Dimbleby's ballroom.
36:32What was nice was all the politicians had driven in on segways
36:35and parked them in a row.
36:37There were more women than men in the line-up
36:39and they were all sort of left-leaning, pacifist-y women,
36:42which was refreshing because it meant it didn't just collapse
36:45into a load of angry shouting.
36:48No, it's not...
36:49And you're lying!
36:50Nigel...
36:51I believe it's what you deserve to have in now!
36:54Anyway, there was this bit where Nigel Farage said something about immigrants
36:58and Nicola Sturgeon got cross.
37:00She said there shouldn't be any difference between immigrants and emigrants,
37:04starting with the way we pronounce them.
37:06We're a nation of emigrants as well as immigrants
37:09and we should treat immigrants the way we would want emigrants
37:12from our country to be treated wherever they go to settle.
37:15Nigel Farage was there and because the others were sort of liberal,
37:19he was kind of isolated on a little island all of his own,
37:23which you'd think he'd love.
37:25It meant he'd have to work really hard at winning over the crowd,
37:28which was probably why he didn't bother.
37:30There just seems to be a total lack of comprehension on this panel
37:33and indeed amongst this audience, which is a remarkable audience,
37:36even by the left-wing standards of the BBC.
37:40I mean, this lot's pretty left-wing. Hang on a second.
37:44Afterwards, Farage continued to complain about left-wing bias on the BBC
37:48and not just in that debate, but what he saw as bias on comedy shows.
37:51People think the BBC's biased,
37:53but that's only because a lot of the people who appear on it
37:55seem sort of left-leaning and they say loads of liberal things
37:58and sing liberal songs and make liberal jokes.
38:01And to be fair to the BBC, it balances all of them out
38:03by doing a documentary starring Hitler every now and then.
38:06Meanwhile, in debate land,
38:07heartthrob Miliband was in his element amongst the women.
38:10Natalie Bennett for The Greens signalled her interest
38:12while Ed cockily rebuffed her with his face.
38:14We were prepared to work with Ed on a vote-by-vote basis.
38:18Then Nicola Sturgeon offered him a full relationship
38:21if he made a few changes.
38:22That's my odd offer to Ed Miliband.
38:25If he's prepared to be better than the Tories,
38:28then I'm prepared to work with him.
38:30Oh, you'd better shape up, cos she needs a man.
38:33And her heart is set on...
38:35I've got fundamental disagreements with you, Nicola.
38:37Oh, God, he's playing hard to get.
38:39Don't turn your back on that, Ed,
38:41and let David Cameron back into Downing Street.
38:43Oh, no, Nicola, look, here's the situation.
38:45It's a bit like a rom-com, this, watching a couple bicker
38:47when you just know they're going to end up in bed together.
38:49Afterwards, the world was abuzz about potential romance
38:52betwixt Ed and Nicola.
38:53Everyone loves a will-they-won't-they story,
38:55and this was no exception.
38:56Lorraine Kelly asked Ed why he was being such a commitment-phobe.
38:59Why have you ruled that out?
39:00Why do you keep saying we're not going to do it?
39:02We've got fundamental differences.
39:03While Kay Burley prodded Nicola by telling her Ed's just not that into her.
39:07We heard from Mr Miliband, he made it clear that he's not interested.
39:11Meanwhile, stern parent David Cameron reckoned
39:13the faintest whiff of romance was bad news for everyone.
39:16It might be a match made in heaven for them,
39:18but it is a match made in hell for the British economy.
39:21The topic got camel-toe so crotchety
39:23it even exacerbated his chronic walking-away condition.
39:26There'll be a constitutional crisis,
39:29and constitutional chaos, is what he said,
39:31and for once, Gordon Brown was right.
39:34Where are you going? Come back and help if it's so f***ing serious.
39:38For centuries, the English and the Scottish have been friendly neighbours,
39:42apart from the occasional massacre
39:44or ingrained, indelible, deeply-held grudge.
39:47But recently, that's gone a bit wonky.
39:50Last year, they had this referendum
39:52to see if Scotland should become a real country,
39:54like Alaska or Westeros.
39:56The Scotland fashionalists said it was a once-in-a-lifetime,
40:00never-to-be-repeated chance,
40:02and then they lost.
40:03So now they want to do it again and again and again,
40:06until everyone ticks the right box.
40:08Last year, the SNP had a man called Alex Salmond,
40:11and everyone hated him because he was so popular.
40:14So this year, Scotland sent a woman to do the elections.
40:18A few months ago, no-one had even heard of her,
40:20and now suddenly everyone was saying,
40:21Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:24Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:26Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:28Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:30Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:32Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:34Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:37Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon! Nicola Sturgeon!
40:40Anyway, she was quite smiley,
40:42but then the paper started calling her
40:44the most dangerous woman in Britain.
40:46Like, more dangerous than Rose West or Cheryl Cole Fernandez,
40:50or whoever.
40:51The one who beat up that toilet lady.
40:53There was this calm, measured press coverage
40:55that explained the whole thing
40:57could lead to the worst crisis for Britain
40:59since the abduction of King Edward.
41:01What they'd worked out, which was really scary,
41:04was that if the SNP and Labour got more seats than the Conservatives,
41:08they could form a government and carry out their policies
41:11just because of this loophole they'd found,
41:13which is that that's how elections work.
41:16After all that talk about a clash of nations,
41:18it was time for something positive,
41:20and it came as David Cameron delivered an inspiring speech
41:23praising Britain's multicultural society,
41:25a world in which people of different races, religions,
41:28and sexual orientations can live in harmony,
41:30while a neat and educated white millionaire
41:32tells us how great that is.
41:34But his inspiring message was somewhat drowned out
41:36by an awkward faux pas.
41:38Where you can support Man United, the Windies and Team GB
41:41all at the same time.
41:43Of course, I'd rather you supported West Ham.
41:45Oh, um...
41:47Yes, Cameron claimed to support West Ham,
41:50whereas he used to claim to support Aston Villa.
41:52When called on it, he explained quite simply what had happened.
41:55I'm a Villa fan.
41:56I don't know what happened to me.
41:58I must have been overcome by something this morning.
42:01But there we are.
42:03These things sometimes happen when you're...
42:06Pretending to like Aston Villa?
42:08To be fair, I suppose forgetting which football team
42:10you've claimed to follow since childhood
42:12is one of those things that just slips your mind from time to time,
42:15like what country you live in or which end of your body you shit through.
42:18Cameron's football gaffe was a rarity
42:20in what was a notably risk-averse campaign.
42:22Everything felt stiff and controlled and familiar.
42:24The leaders made like Disneyland mascots and posed with kiddy winks
42:27or stood around pointing like finger salesmen.
42:30Ed Miliband took to standing behind a statesman-like lectern
42:33wherever he went.
42:35It was supposed to make him look outstanding in his field,
42:37even when he was just outstanding in a field.
42:40Almost all the leaders were regularly seen
42:42standing in front of sycophants holding placards
42:44like they were advertising a golf sale.
42:46But these enthusiastic space fillers are bussed in by the parties,
42:49with the actual public kept at arm's length.
42:52The speech might have been at a university,
42:54but students were kept firmly outside the room.
42:57And the party publicity machines
42:59didn't appreciate the news pointing this out.
43:01How is this organised?
43:02It's part of society at university, so Conservative Future.
43:05That's some of our young volunteers.
43:07Yeah, that's our young volunteers,
43:09and we've asked them not to speak to the media.
43:11Oh, why is that?
43:13I say we're not talking to the media.
43:15But you're here with your placards and giving visual support.
43:19Nigel Farage was one of the few leaders regularly pictured out and about
43:22actually meeting the public.
43:24That's because he's a man of the people, provided they're already here.
43:27Maybe the public were kept away from the others
43:29in case they embarrassed them, as they sometimes tend to do.
43:31For instance, here we see Labour's Tristram Hunt
43:33meeting a young future voter.
43:35Do you know who you'd vote for?
43:37Er, UKIP.
43:38You'd vote UKIP? Very good. Why's that?
43:41Er, like, get all the foreigners out of the country.
43:44Meanwhile, David Cameron got melodically abused
43:46by a ukulele-toting class warrior.
43:48Bunk off back to Eton with all your recent charms.
43:52Bunk off back to Eton. Bunk off back to Eton.
43:56Journalists too generated several awkward moments.
43:59You're standing in front of a placard that says
44:01ban exploitative zero-hour contracts
44:04at an event set up by people who are on zero-hour contracts.
44:08Aren't you the hypocrite?
44:10I think we, erm...
44:12But most of the time, everything was corralled and contained.
44:15It all led to complaints that the campaign was tired and boring.
44:18Cameron in particular came in for criticism,
44:20with some people saying he didn't seem hungry enough.
44:22So you know what he did?
44:23He rolled his bally sleeves up and he fought back
44:26and turned the air blue.
44:28And I want you to take that argument that Labour make
44:30and stick it where the sun don't shine.
44:32Yes, Cameron had been rebooted with the control key held down
44:35and now he was reinvigorated and a bit pink.
44:38And if I'm getting lively about it,
44:39it's because I feel bloody lively about it.
44:41That's the truth.
44:43Steady on, Dave.
44:44Taking a...
44:45Having a...
44:46Having a...
44:47That pumps me up.
44:48And it's what's... our country.
44:50Prime Minister, I feel like we're seeing your feistier side.
44:53Is this your... yes response to critics
44:55who say you've not been passionate enough?
44:57I just say it as I see it.
44:59And I really feel... passionate about this election.
45:02We've come so far.
45:03He's certainly showing them some spunk.
45:05These supporters were lapping up this pumped-up prime minister.
45:09Meanwhile, eyebrows were raised when a radical millionaire lady killer
45:12who's convinced many not to bother voting at all met Russell Brand.
45:16Just like one of Russell Brand's movies, this Get Him To The Geek.
45:19Sitting in Russell's one opulent kitchen with a tap so huge
45:22it looks like a piece of machinery from a milking shed,
45:24the two men crossed swords.
45:26Brand established his credentials by claiming little meaningful change
45:29had happened since women got the vote back in 1928.
45:32Since then, since Sandwich, since the right of women to vote,
45:35what has meaningfully occurred...
45:37That's totally wrong. Go on, mate.
45:39Well, look, workers' rights, a national health service, a minimum wage.
45:43Yeah, but apart from that and seeing as through World War II, what else?
45:46Miliband stood up for little political guys like him against the big brand name,
45:50employing odd gestures and weird hand moves to underline his points.
45:53And it soon became apparent that Russell was rubbing off on Miliband,
45:56not like that, but in the way he started dropping his T's and saying,
45:59Godda this.
46:00First of all, you've got to do it internationally.
46:02Yeah.
46:03And Godda that.
46:04And that is hard. You ask me, you've got to do it.
46:06It was Godda awful.
46:07But it seemed Miliband had won Russell over.
46:09I think the fundamental problem with this country
46:11is that people think it's run for somebody else
46:13and the somebody else is probably somebody right at the top of society.
46:16They've got the access, the influence, the power, and it's not run for them.
46:19And that's what we've got to change.
46:21That is exactly it. That is exactly it.
46:23Sounds like he's won that vote you don't believe in.
46:25But David Cameron didn't seem very impressed.
46:27Russell Brown's a joke, all right?
46:29Ed Miliband, hang out with Russell Brown. He's a joke.
46:31This is not funny. I haven't got time to hang out with Russell Brown.
46:34This is more important. These are real people.
46:36Yes, Campbell Plops doesn't have time to hang out with Russell Brown.
46:39He's busy fielding questions from real people,
46:41like the real people he met in this enlightening interview for Heat magazine.
46:44So first up, there's a young man called Joey Essex.
46:47Hi, David. It's Joey Essex here. What are you saying?
46:50I just want to ask you a quick question.
46:52If you had to be an animal for the day or for a lifetime,
46:56what would you be and why? Question mark.
46:59I think it ought to be something at the top of the food chain, I guess.
47:02What, like a human being?
47:04Dave also took questions from Alan Carr...
47:06What's your day? It's Alan Carr here.
47:08..and Charlotte of Geordie Shore, who was having a shit.
47:11Oh, hi, Dave. Sorry you've caught us at a really awkward time.
47:15I'm just on the toilet.
47:17I'd give that question ten minutes if I were you.
47:19Steph and Dom from Gogglebox. I love them.
47:22Hi. Hi, there.
47:24Steph and Dom here from Gogglebox,
47:26and this is our question for the Prime Minister, David Cameron.
47:29Afterwards, Russell Brand made a glaring U-turn,
47:32endorsing first the Greens, then Labour, albeit a bit too late
47:35for any fans who'd torn up their voter registration cards for his approval.
47:38But what if everyone tore up their cards and nobody voted for anyone?
47:41What would that look like?
47:50The latest recount confirms no votes have been cast
47:53in this year's general election,
47:55leaving Russell Brand the default winner.
47:58Where is this called? Let me spread harmony.
48:01This is harmony, and I make faith and hope.
48:04I'm going to take him for a cobra meeting if he catches me insinuation.
48:08Hare Krishna!
48:12Brand immediately appoints his cabinet. Kate Moss becomes Chancellor.
48:16Noel Fielding is Foreign Secretary,
48:18while the Minister for Culture is a photograph of Noam Chomsky
48:21stuck to the end of a broom.
48:23Britain's former MPs are settling into their new careers.
48:26What?
48:29Ed Miliband is now a delivery boy
48:31while George Osborne works in a garden centre.
48:34But Brand's unconventional shake-up is only just beginning.
48:38Prime Minister Brand today closed the London Stock Exchange
48:42and abolished money.
48:44We're no longer mentally caged by these capitalist sick notes,
48:48these illusory IOUs, these paper shits.
48:52Well, obviously, the abolition of money changed the face of the city.
48:56Banks shut down, buildings stood completely abandoned,
49:00and without financial workers keeping the concrete dry
49:03by walking back and forth from their desks to sandwich shops and so on,
49:07the city quickly began to return to its natural state.
49:10Within a week, there was ivy completely covering the exterior of the Gherkin,
49:14gazelles grazing on the former floor of the Stock Exchange.
49:17It was really all quite serene
49:19if you ignored the massive food riots
49:21taking place the length and breadth of the country.
49:24There seems to be no end to this rioting,
49:26and of course there's nothing in the shops,
49:28which is making the looters particularly angry.
49:31As Britain burns, Prime Minister Brand is otherwise engaged
49:34doing a press junket for Get Into The Greek 2.
49:37An odyssey, if you will.
49:39No, Britain's on fire.
49:41What's that mean?
49:43His promotional obligations complete,
49:46Brand heroically insists on watching footage of the rioters.
49:51That is beautiful.
49:53Inspired by their energy, he decides to join in.
49:59The rioting continues unabated for another 72 days.
50:0389% of the country is in ruins.
50:06Desperate officials arrange for a state visit from Vladimir Putin,
50:10who is offering the UK a bailout deal in exchange for leaving NATO
50:14and establishing a Soviet missile base.
50:16I'm going to go in there and appeal to him on a human level,
50:20see what his face does.
50:22Prime Minister! Prime Minister!
50:25What, mate?
50:27Disaster strikes five minutes into the negotiations
50:30when Brand has sex with Putin's 23-year-old granddaughter
50:33in a corner of the room.
50:35Within hours, Putin flies home
50:37and orders an all-out nuclear attack on Great Britain.
50:41As missiles race towards a defenceless UK,
50:44Prime Minister Brand delivers a final address to the nation.
50:48Obviously, this nuclear attack ain't ideal,
50:51and I'm sorry that your kids are going to burn to death in your arms
50:54and all that, but on the other hand, reality is just a construct.
51:00So don't think of it as losing your existence,
51:04but gaining the ultimate freedom.
51:07Sayonara. Peace out.
51:09As the first warhead detonates over central London,
51:13the initial blast is drowned out by a collective sigh of relief
51:17from the population below,
51:19and then Brand's Britain is destroyed.
51:26TV loves to poke a mic at people and ask them what they think,
51:29although the results aren't always encouraging.
51:31For one thing, you sometimes get people who just don't care.
51:34Personally, I don't really vote any more.
51:36To be honest, I don't really vote.
51:38I know nothing about politics.
51:39Completely wrong person to be asking about that.
51:41OK, who are you going to vote for?
51:43Probably UK.
51:44Or don't know much.
51:46Evan Bansky in charge of the...
51:51The Labour Party, yes.
51:53The Budget. Who's in charge of the Budget at the moment?
51:56No, that's George Osborne.
51:57George Osborne. Which party is he?
51:59Or don't know anything.
52:00Do you think manifestos are important these days,
52:02or do you think that people already know what's going to happen?
52:04I really haven't got a clue what a manifesto is.
52:07Or you get people who hate all politicians.
52:09When I hear any politician's name,
52:11all that goes through my mind is ripoff.
52:14Or you get people who don't make sense.
52:16My buttocks are smooth, my mind is clear. Vote UK.
52:19During the campaign, we have been hearing from voters across the UK
52:22who have been telling us what's important to them.
52:25Tonight, the views of a Manchester taxi driver.
52:28When TV's not out vox popping,
52:29it's patronising people by making a little film all about what they think,
52:33thereby gaining a crucial insight into the real issues facing our nation.
52:36Potholes, they're a real big problem.
52:39I drive and I'm concentrating on missing a pothole.
52:42I don't want to ruin one of my tyres or do something to my suspension.
52:46So we need to sort the roads out, we need to sort the potholes out.
52:49The thoughts of Steve Raden there in Manchester.
52:53So far, the main leaders have chiefly been surrounded by supporters or celebrities.
52:57Basically, they've had less contact with the public than that nurse who got Ebola.
53:00But the last live TV event pitted them against a whole room full of public.
53:04And it turned out the public flippin' ate them.
53:06First, Aston Villa denialist Cameron met a fan.
53:09I'm sorry, but I just think you're either deceiving the British public
53:13or you know exactly what you're going to do but you're refusing to give specifics.
53:17As the event went on, he started to perspire.
53:20Jesus Christ, he's sweating so much, he looks like he's laminated.
53:23Next, pursuited woodland creature Ed Miliband tried to win the crowd over
53:27by adapting his uh catchphrase into the much shorter whoop.
53:31Stirring stuff.
53:35Under sustained hostile questioning, he gave this provocative answer.
53:38Do you accept that when labour was last in power, it overspent?
53:43No, I don't. And I know you may not agree with that.
53:46Still, at least it couldn't get any worse. Until it did.
53:49And finally, Nick Clegg took the biggest faceful since your mum.
53:52Wondered if you've got plans for a new job after next week when you become unemployed
53:56and your party becomes an irrelevance.
53:59No, I don't.
54:01Democracy is clearly all the rage right now, but what is democracy anyway?
54:05Well, here to examine it is Philomena Kunk with one of her moments of wonder.
54:09All of nature, apart from maybe daisies and waterfalls, is a brutal struggle for power.
54:33These horse monster things are using their wooden head sticks in a primal battle
54:39to decide which of them should be in charge.
54:42The winner will become king of the herd.
54:45The other will probably have to leave and find work as a different sort of animal.
54:52Unlike animals, we don't have to fight to decide who's in charge.
54:56Instead, we do a vote. A vote that would be pointless without something called democracy.
55:04Democracy was invented in ancient Greece by the ancient Greeks.
55:09Probably after a vote.
55:12It's hard to imagine that this was the beginning of democracy.
55:16So to help you imagine, we've got two actors in expensive costumes
55:21and some other people in trainers and sheets slightly out of focus.
55:27Just like other Greek inventions like thick yoghurt, sodomy and triangles,
55:33democracy has taken the world by storm.
55:39Someone who didn't agree with democracy was Adolf Hitler.
55:43Hitler didn't have much to do with democracy at all,
55:46but people do like watching documentaries about Hitler,
55:49so we've put him in, which is democratic, which he'd hate.
55:54British democracy began in knights-in-armour times here at Runnymede,
55:59which sounds worse than it is.
56:01Britain used to be ruled by a king or queen, just like now,
56:05except back then they were treated like a god
56:08rather than a slightly better version of someone off Made in Chelsea.
56:13Royal behaviour was total shithouse,
56:16until eventually the people rose up and made King John sign the Magma Carta.
56:22According to Google Translate, Magma Carta is Latin for cardboard volcano.
56:29It was a sort of contract that granted everyone in Britain a democratic voice.
56:35Soon Britain had its own parliament,
56:37which could stop the king doing what he wanted
56:40with the simple process of cutting his head off.
56:43Parliament remains here to this day
56:46in one of the world's most iconic buildings, Big Ben House.
56:53To find out more about democracy, I've got an expert here with me.
56:58Hello, who are you?
57:00I'm Robert Hazel and I'm Professor of Government and the Constitution
57:04at University College London.
57:06What makes democracy a better way to pick a prime minister
57:11than just letting them take turns?
57:14I'm not sure how this alternative system would work,
57:17where you say, we let them take turns.
57:20Well, if, like, one does, like, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
57:24and then another Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
57:29And suppose we were running a company.
57:33We wouldn't allow any stranger to be in charge of it
57:36for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,
57:38and then a different person to be in charge Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
57:42That's not a sensible way to go about anything.
57:44What would happen if we voted to end democracy?
57:50How would we do that?
57:52Take a vote.
57:54And what would the vote say?
57:56I vote to end democracy.
57:58And what would we put in its place?
58:01I don't know.
58:02Well, it wouldn't be a very sensible thing
58:04to end one system of government
58:06without knowing what system of government you're going to replace it with.
58:11It's like saying, let's vote to leave our house
58:15without knowing where we're going to go and live next.
58:19No-one's going to do that.
58:21I bet you are terrible to go on holiday with.
58:25Election Day is your chance to do democracy.
58:29You don't have to stand up and be counted.
58:32You can sit down and be ignored if you like.
58:35Because that's your democratic right.
58:38You can choose not to matter.
58:40And that matters if you want it to.
58:43It's up to you.
58:47Next time on Moments of Wonder,
58:49I'll be finding out how to get the noise out of plates.
58:54BEEP
58:55Well, that's all we've got time for.
58:57Vote or don't.
58:58Until next time we meet, go away.
59:23BEEP