Big School - S02 - E02
Transcript
00:00You all right, babes?
00:17Is that a new car, Trevor?
00:19Yep.
00:20Fuel injection.
00:21ABS brakes.
00:22Plenty of room to lie down in the back.
00:24Wow.
00:25That's good to know.
00:26Yeah, I bought it with the extra dosh I'm getting as a geography teacher.
00:30Oh, yeah, Sarah.
00:32You want to watch out for me?
00:34I'm now officially the school's most illegible bachelor.
00:44Morning, Sarah.
00:46Where's your shoe?
00:48Oh, don't worry, it's in the car. I'll get it later.
01:00Got your stratus.
01:04Your Cyrus.
01:09And your big one now.
01:12They're just called big clouds, really.
01:14Sir?
01:15What?
01:16We've got our exams next week,
01:17and we still haven't covered loads of things on the syllabus.
01:19All right, Eisenstein, what do you need to know?
01:21Rainforests?
01:22No, you don't need to learn about them anymore.
01:24I mean, you lot are lucky.
01:25They cut them all down to make you exercise.
01:28What else?
01:29Map skills.
01:30No need.
01:31Get yourself a tom-tom, whack on a postcode, boom!
01:33Job done.
01:34Actually, it's better than a map,
01:35because it tells you where all the speed cameras are.
01:37Are we meant to do a project on India?
01:39Don't worry, son, China got that one covered.
01:42Top gear, India special.
01:44Ouch!
01:46Right, ladies and gents.
01:48Take it away, Professor Clarkson.
01:54Here you are.
01:55Much appreciated.
01:57There you are.
01:58Watch and learn.
02:04Well, I have to say, Keith, you are very clever.
02:09Why's that?
02:11Er, you know, pretending today is just an ordinary day.
02:15It is just an ordinary day.
02:17Poker face.
02:19P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-poker face!
02:22I hope you haven't put a lot of balloons everywhere
02:26because I'll be really embarrassed.
02:27I mean, you know I hate attention.
02:29Is it your birthday?
02:31You!
02:41It's nice and nice and porn-billy, aren't they?
02:45Happy birthday!
02:48You forgot, didn't you?
02:49No.
02:50Actually, no.
02:51Just you wait.
02:52I am waiting.
02:54Well, just wait a little longer, please.
02:58Merry Christmas, everybody.
03:02Trevor, you know the main teacher woman?
03:05Your mistress?
03:06Yeah, that's her.
03:07She wants to see you in her office.
03:08So Mr Gunn and I have come to a joint decision
03:11that he will step down as geography teacher
03:15because he knows absolutely nothing about the subject.
03:18Yeah, cos it's boring.
03:19Oh, look, there's an urban combination.
03:22Who cares?
03:23So as of today, we have a new,
03:25and may I say strapping, geography teacher, Dr Dalton.
03:31And yes, he just happens to be blind.
03:37I hadn't noticed.
03:38I don't see the disability.
03:40I see the person.
03:41Well, he has got a white stick.
03:43Would you like to say a few words, Dr Dalton?
03:47Oh, you're so thick.
03:49And veiny.
03:52Whoa, someone turned out the lights.
03:57Just my little joke.
03:58No, but seriously,
03:59I'm really looking forward to getting stuck
04:01into some geography with you guys.
04:03And by the way, don't worry about the Dr Dalton thing.
04:06Just call me the Doc.
04:08What's up, Jock?
04:11Cheers.
04:15Can I just say, it's a certain French teacher's birthday today.
04:21Stop!
04:22I didn't want to make a big thing of it.
04:24So I wondered if you'd all join me
04:26in a very big Greybridge rendition of Happy Birthday.
04:31Happy birthday to you
04:36Happy birthday to you
04:41Happy birthday, dear Miss Paulston
04:46Happy birthday to
04:53you
05:01Finished?
05:02Yep.
05:03Should have started earlier.
05:04Yeah, I realise that now.
05:05And it ended too high.
05:06Ditto.
05:07Is there a car?
05:08Oh, just you wait and see.
05:09So, no?
05:10Not yet, no.
05:11Keith, you look ridiculous.
05:12Get yourself a shoe.
05:16I can't fit it all in.
05:18Well, it's going to be tight.
05:20It's making my eyes water.
05:23Should it really be this painful?
05:25We'll just relax a bit and it'll stretch.
05:27Not sure I'll be able to walk properly.
05:31Is everything all right, sirs?
05:33Yes, fine, thank you, Nicholas.
05:37Jog on.
05:39La jambe, féminine.
05:41Le bras, masculine.
05:43La jambe, le bras.
05:45La jambe, le bras.
05:47La jambe, le bras.
05:49Why do we even need to learn French, Miss?
05:51So that when you go to France,
05:53you can speak the language.
05:55Who here's been to France?
05:58No, I haven't.
05:59No, I haven't.
06:00No, I haven't.
06:01No, I haven't.
06:02No, I haven't.
06:03No, I haven't.
06:04No, I haven't.
06:05No, I haven't.
06:06No, I haven't.
06:07No, I haven't.
06:09Euro Disney?
06:10I've been to Euro Disney, Miss.
06:12So, you've been to France?
06:13No, I went to the one in Florida.
06:16Right.
06:17Someone here must have been to France.
06:19Great.
06:20Olivia, where have you been in France?
06:21Greece.
06:22Greece is not in France.
06:24It's in Greece.
06:28Hey, great lesson.
06:36Bon anniversaire.
06:39It's French for...
06:40Yes, I know.
06:42Shoe looks weird.
06:43Well, it was either that or a red stiletto.
06:45Here's your card.
06:47Oh, thank you.
06:52Well, there we are.
06:54Birthday's all done.
06:57What's that?
06:58Nothing.
07:00It's just that when it's a member of staff's birthday,
07:03I usually like to organise a gift.
07:05You know, scented candle, spa treatment,
07:08Mr Mamma Mia.
07:09Oh, I've got you a present.
07:10Have you?
07:11Yeah.
07:12You sure about that?
07:13Positive.
07:14Where is it?
07:15Oh, I'm just trying to spread out the birthday fun for you, Sarah.
07:17Make it extra special.
07:18You had the singing this morning.
07:19Wow.
07:20Just had the card.
07:21Yeah.
07:22And you'll get the present at, um...
07:24At lunch.
07:25Oh!
07:26When?
07:27At lunch?
07:28Early on?
07:29At lunch?
07:30Probably towards the end.
07:31But just so we understand each other.
07:33How much should this present that I've already bought you be?
07:37It's not about the price.
07:38It's about the thought between 50 and 100 pounds.
07:42Right.
08:00Ah!
08:01Trevor.
08:02Just wondered if you fancied a coffee, tea,
08:05glass of cool, refreshing milk.
08:08What are you after now?
08:09I need you to move your car.
08:10No.
08:15Hello, caretaker.
08:16Hello, Keith.
08:17I've got a little job for you.
08:19Oh, I can't.
08:20I've got to get this floor done.
08:21I clean it, they walk on it.
08:22I clean it, they walk on it.
08:23I clean it, they walk on it.
08:24Well, stop whatever it is you're saying and help me.
08:27Never ending spiral of dirt.
08:28Here's a pound in it for you.
08:33Me again?
08:35I'm not moving my car.
08:37So, did you catch the game last night?
08:41What game?
08:42The football game.
08:44Presumably there was some football on television somewhere.
08:48Champions League, actually.
08:50Didn't know you were into football, Chirchy.
08:51It's Bert Chirchy.
08:53John Watson must be crapping himself.
08:55He probably is, actually.
08:56He's quite old.
08:59OK, so just move it backwards a metre so I can jump into my car.
09:03Well, since I've driven...
09:04Very gently, then.
09:05Just ease it backwards.
09:11God!
09:12Bugger.
09:13Oh, God, what have you done?
09:14Forwards, forwards, forwards.
09:22Bugger.
09:24God, that's enough.
09:25Get out before you cause any more damage.
09:27Trevor's car is virtually a write-off.
09:29Do I still get my pound?
09:30No, you do not.
09:32Shall we let everyone down?
09:33Yes.
09:35CAR DOOR SLAMS
09:40CAR ENGINE REVS
09:42CAR DOOR SLAMS
10:01It's wonderful that we've finally got a disabled teacher at the school.
10:05I think it's wrong to focus on his disability.
10:08I think we should see Dr Dalton for what he is,
10:10a cool teacher who just happens to be blind.
10:13Visually impaired.
10:14Visually impaired.
10:15And of ethnic origin.
10:16Is he?
10:17I hadn't noticed.
10:25Oh, Doc.
10:26Hey, Doc, there's a seat here.
10:29Sorry, who's that?
10:31It's Sarah.
10:32Sarah Poston, French department.
10:34Five foot nine, slim build, strawberry blonde hair.
10:37Nice to meet you.
10:39Let me help you with that.
10:46Would you like to touch my face?
10:49Maybe later.
10:51Is the food any good here?
10:53It's OK, actually.
10:54I mean, today I've just gone for a green salad
10:56because I like to maintain my slim yet shapely figure.
11:01That's a low-calorie salad dressing going on right now.
11:04So, how long have you been working here?
11:07Oh, um, a year.
11:09A year.
11:10The kids are lovely.
11:14Happy birthday!
11:15Oh, it's you.
11:19This is your birthday gift, which I didn't just go out and buy.
11:22I actually bought quite a while ago.
11:24Well, it's certainly very big.
11:26Not as big as that cheeseburger.
11:29He's pointing at someone else's lunch.
11:31Dr Dalton, it's Keith Church, deputy head of science.
11:33Hi.
11:34And I'm in the dining hall.
11:36Yes, I realise that.
11:38And I've just brought in a very large pair of costumes,
11:41just opening the present now.
11:43She's ripping through the paper with her hands.
11:45Listen, you don't have to keep doing that.
11:47It's no trouble.
11:51La Tour Eiffel.
11:53La Tour Blackpool.
11:57La Tour Eiffel.
11:58La Tour Blackpool.
11:59La Tour...
12:00It's the Blackpool town, Keith.
12:03Look, it's written there. Are you blind?
12:11Just so you know, it was Sarah Poston that made that inappropriate remark.
12:15I don't mind.
12:19Why did you get me a picture of the Blackpool tower?
12:22I was in a rush. I thought it was the Eiffel Tower.
12:24I've obviously ruined your birthday.
12:26No, you haven't. It's still a very nice picture.
12:29And it wasn't cheap.
12:30It was actually towards the upper end of your price range.
12:32Well, that's very generous of you.
12:34It was £90.
12:35You don't need to know the exact amount.
12:36You said between 50 and 100.
12:37I could have spent 50, but I actually spent 90.
12:40Because, Sarah, you're worth it.
12:42Thank you. That is very sweet.
12:46So, are you two just colleagues, or is there more to it than that?
12:48No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
12:51Oh, come on, Sarah.
12:53Yeah, I already made that joke earlier.
12:56I'll leave that there for you.
13:01And I'm just walking out of the canteen now,
13:06heading towards the door.
13:10And I'm through the door, and that's legal.
13:15I think he's got a thing for you.
13:17They all do.
13:19It's not easy being the youngest and most attractive woman at the school.
13:23So, my spies tell me you were having lunch with Piggy Poston.
13:29Sarah.
13:31We all call her Piggy Poston because she has an upturned nose like a pig.
13:36I didn't know that.
13:38She's also got stumpy little hands like trotters.
13:46Cigarette?
13:49Surely smoking's against the rules.
13:51I make the rules, darling.
13:54And then I break them.
13:59Was there something you needed to speak to me about, Headmistress?
14:03No.
14:05I really should get to my geography class.
14:09Yes, you bad, bad boy.
14:14Let me see you out.
14:23Just...
14:27Ask you...
14:35Please look deftly out of sight, sir.
14:41Please look deftly out of sight.
14:45Gin.
14:49Liquor.
14:55Oh, hello, Trevor.
14:57I'm going to kill you.
14:59In fairness, I only took the bumper off.
15:03I'm going to teach you a lesson, Churchill.
15:11Oh!
15:13Oh! Hello, Nicholas.
15:15Tell him I'll be a bit late for Babbiton, Nicholas.
15:26Here we go.
15:28Nice cup of tea.
15:30Just what the doctor ordered.
15:37So, um...
15:39Don't take this the wrong way.
15:41I would do this for any new teacher.
15:43But do you fancy coming over on Saturday night for dinner?
15:47Do you mind if I just...
15:49ifique?
15:50Oh, tu parles français?
15:51Oui.
15:52So nice to have someone around here with a little bit of, er...
15:56sophistication.
15:58French for sophistication, right?
16:01Is there anything you don't know?
16:04Hello.
16:06Keith Church entering the staff room.
16:08Morning, Keith.
16:10What?
16:11Once Church has dropped it round, he can sod off and I'll get on with the banging.
16:14Do not let him inside your house, Sarah.
16:16Look, I'm not sure I want to put it up anyway.
16:18I thought you said you liked it.
16:20You're going to have to do something with that monstrosity.
16:22Because you can't leave it here.
16:24This is not a monstrosity. It was £90.
16:26OK, look, um...
16:28Why don't you drop it round on Saturday afternoon and you can put it up?
16:31Yeah, and you and me can get a party started by...
16:33No.
16:34No parties starting.
16:37I've actually got plans on Saturday evening.
16:40So as soon as that picture goes up, you can both leave.
16:43Both of us?
16:45Yes, both of you.
16:47Including me?
16:48Including you.
16:52So what about me?
17:05KNOCKING
17:10Are you early?
17:12Hello, missus. Need an hand, you hear?
17:15It's like the start of a porno, isn't it?
17:17Yeah, but only the very start.
17:19I brought you some Malibu.
17:21Your mum's had a few swigs, but there's still plenty left.
17:24Thought maybe we could have a little lie down, chuck on some Smooth FM, you know, before Churchy gets here.
17:28He's already been here two hours.
17:30Well, he's very early.
17:32Haven't you brought any tools?
17:35Oh, right, you'd have picked... No, I forgot about that.
17:38That is why you are both here.
17:40Well, Church, you're early. Get yourself done.
17:42WHIRRING
17:47WHIRRING
17:49WHIRRING
18:07Who you doing under there, babes?
18:16Finished?
18:18Not going to fall on me?
18:20I shouldn't do.
18:22Right, well, thank you very much. Off you go.
18:24Any other odd jobs we can be getting on with while we're here?
18:27No, no, I just need you to leave.
18:29I could do with a quick cup of tea.
18:31No, no tea for me. I'll just have a Malibu.
18:33OK, these aren't for you.
18:35Well, who are they for, then?
18:37I have a friend coming over to dinner soon, so I'm very sorry, but I need you both to leave.
18:42A female friend or a male friend?
18:45It doesn't matter.
18:47Well, it does matter, cos if it's a geezer, I'm going to have me Malibu back.
18:50Come on, out.
18:53Right, you two, just get out.
18:56Get out that way. Get out.
19:01It's nice, isn't it? Come round and do a bit of free DIY, then it's out you get.
19:05I've got a fella coming round to sex me out.
19:07I don't think anyone's going to be sexing anyone out.
19:09So, have the Chuckle Brothers gone?
19:11Yes, yes, don't worry.
19:13He's in trouble, left ages ago.
19:18Um, have a seat.
19:22OK, there we go.
19:28Mmm, mmm, mmm.
19:30That was, as my uncle would say, totally delicious.
19:34Thank you. Yes, it's from a Raymond Blanc cookbook.
19:37I mean, I've just added a few of my own ideas, too.
19:40Is everything OK? You seem a bit tense.
19:43No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
19:46No, no, I'm fine.
19:48May I...?
19:57Give me a moment.
19:59Don't be too long.
20:17Oh, my God!
20:19Happy birthday.
20:21Like your present?
20:23This is Mr Church in the living room.
20:26And until the trampoline is returned, there will be no more Trampoline Club.
20:31And finally, due to some unfortunate events over the weekend,
20:37Dr Dalton has decided not to be a member of the Trampoline Club.
20:43And finally, Dr Dalton has decided not to return to the school.
20:49Is there anything you'd like to add?
20:52No.
20:54Sure? Yep.
20:56It all seems very odd.
20:58Yeah, it does seem odd, doesn't it?
21:02WHISTLE BLOWS
21:08About Saturday night, I'm sorry that you had to see that.
21:12Well, it was right in my eye line.
21:14I mean the date.
21:16Well, I mean, it wasn't a date.
21:18I just thought he was sophisticated.
21:21You know, I thought he was going to be different.
21:24Oh, Keith, I made such a fool of myself.
21:27Oh, Sarah, how were you to know
21:29he'd take off all his clothes before he'd had a chance to serve the ta-ta-ta?
21:32Or the cheese plate. Oh, there was a cheese plate as well.
21:35Yeah. I suppose I got Dr Dalton very wrong.
21:39Just so you know, not all us men are like that.
21:43No. I know.
21:45Well, I mean, Trevor is. He's worse.
21:47He'd probably whip it out before the starter.
21:49Let's just forget Saturday ever happened, shall we?
21:52Good idea.
21:54See you at lunch? I look forward to it.
22:00And I promise not to take off all my clothes.
22:11You're 13 years now.
22:12Is it really 13 years?
22:14I'm a dad.
22:16So someone actually let you in?
22:18Yeah.
22:19Parents' evening on Thursday.
22:21We're all very much looking forward to a headmistress.
22:23Personally, I'd rather shit in my hands and clap.
22:26Sorry, I'm up here.
22:28Not down here.
22:30Ryan!
22:32Give us a news! News! News!
22:34There's something I've got to tell you.
22:36I'm Ryan's...
22:38real.
22:56We should play this game together.