3rd Rock from The Sun 2x12 - Jolly Old St Dick
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00:00I have got the perfect present for you. A present? What for? Christmas. What you
00:14didn't get me anything? No are you kidding no not get you anything of course
00:20I got you something I uh I got you the perfect something it's perfect and it's
00:25really something. You're so sweet.
00:35Alright we are wired. Can I plug it in? Can I plug it in? Knock yourself out.
00:43It's magnificent. You ain't seen nothing yet by the time I'm through with this
00:48joint they're gonna be able to see it from the shuttle.
00:56Look what I got. A stick? No it's a Christmas tree. You'll see all it needs
01:05is a little love. Dick! Dick you are not gonna believe what we got at the mall. A
01:10stick? It's a Christmas tree. That thing? We are Solomons Harry we should have the
01:18biggest noblest tree in all of Ohio. Forget the stick dick we found jobs. The
01:25mall is full of them Christmas jobs. You are looking at a professional gift
01:29wrapper. And I am the executive assistant to Mr. Santa Claus. I've heard of him he's
01:36the muckety-muck in charge of the whole shebang. Yeah well I'm kind of his right
01:40hand elf. This is wonderful it's a celebration. Tommy when did we first land
01:45on this planet? January 9th it was a Tuesday exactly 8 30 p.m. 7 30 central.
01:51You realize we're coming up on our anniversary. An earth year on earth and
01:57everything is finally coming together. It's as if all the earth were throwing
02:00us a party. Suddenly I feel so so human. Same here. Me too. I'm feeling kind of
02:08human-y myself. Oh great now it's a stick.
02:38Oh
02:40Oh
02:42Oh
03:03Weeds. Okay Dick it's time to pick your secret Santa. It's time to who for what what?
03:10Pick a name that's who you buy a present for. Presents for Christmas? The
03:15bowl is heavy. Let's play secret Santa. Dr. Anthony I barely know him.
03:28Lansburg, Chilton, Manel. Dick you don't get to choose your person it's random. You pick
03:36one name and it's a secret until the party.
03:55Well I picked my name and whoever it is hasn't the foggiest idea. For now until
04:03the party their life will be a topsy-turvy labyrinth of mystery and
04:08intrigue. For the love of God let him draw again.
04:19Well hello ho ho everybody and welcome to Santa's Toyland. Presents toys and fun
04:27for children 1 to 91. Oh please note that children 16 to 91 should not sit on
04:37Santa's lap. Thank you and have a happy and safe holiday from all of us here at
04:46the Rutherford Galleria. Wow you've been shopping your butt off. It's Christmas
04:53right? It's great isn't it? People buying stuff, lugging bags around, maxing out
04:58their credit cards. It's like everyone in the whole world is joined together to
05:02embrace financial ruin. Merry Christmas. Thank you and have a happy and safe
05:09holiday from all of us here at the Rutherford Galleria.
05:15Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry
05:28Christmas. Merry Christmas. She's coin-operated. She says she has the
05:41perfect gift for me and I have no idea what to get her. Her name is August
05:45Leffler. Well I don't know August. Aren't you supposed to have some kind of list or
05:52something? Well I'm afraid I left my list up in the North Pole. Right, can't you have
06:00your wife fax it to you or something? I can't screw this up. Well Tommy, look you want to make this
06:10August chick happy, you're gonna have to drop some cold hard cash, you know what
06:14I'm saying? On what? Listen pork butt, I need model number two. Get a haircut, you look
06:21like a girl.
06:30But again, the root must be somewhere upstairs.
06:37Oh, is that the gift you got for Judith? Or whoever it was you happened to pick?
06:44There's a $20 limit. I know, I went a little over. $120 over. It's easy to get
06:52carried away, isn't it? You know, a few years ago I made a batch of my famous
06:58rumballs for Christmas. They were so popular that this year, just on a whim, I
07:03made 20 batches, enough for the whole department. Hmm, it's funny that you would
07:07have that much rum around. It's the holidays, Nina. Yes Nina, it's the holidays. My dad
07:15would go out and get the biggest Christmas tree he could find. We'd go
07:19caroling, open our house to the neighborhood. All that sharing and
07:24generosity. So beautiful. Look how generous I am. I am Christmas.
07:36Hello and happy holidays from all of us here. Where's my package? I'm supposed to say the whole thing.
07:41Hello and happy holidays. Excuse me, I was here first. Excuse me, I'm just
07:46picking up. Hey, hey, come on people, you're supposed to be happy, this is shopping.
07:51Oh, I'm fed up. Where the hell's January already?
07:55What is wrong with you people? This isn't about buying gifts at all. This is about viciousness and
08:02ruthlessness and aggression and... usually I like all those things. But now, it's just really
08:11ruining Christmas.
08:14Just rash.
08:22Oh, don't worry boys and girls. Santa will be right back after he takes care of
08:28some personal business. On the toilet.
08:38What are they feeding these kids? They weigh a ton. Well, you know, I think part of the
08:44problem is we're feeding them candy. Maybe if we could give them celery or
08:48some kind of...
08:51Oh, Santa.
08:54What are you... I mean, it's you?
09:00No!
09:06Oh, Tonnenbaum, oh, Tonnenbaum, that's Christmas tree in German.
09:13Now this is a Christmas tree. Hey, buddy, can I help you?
09:17Uh, no, thanks. I have a chainsaw. Merry Christmas!
09:28Merry Christmas, officer!
09:34Peace on earth, goodwill toward men. What a crock!
09:39$900 in fines and they confiscated your chainsaw?
09:44And have you ever felt a taser?
09:49It's not nearly as much fun as it looks.
09:53What a bunch of hypocrites! Apparently, the Christmas spirit doesn't apply when
09:59you're trespassing and vandalizing.
10:03Let's face it, Christmas is a sham. How can humans take something like shopping,
10:09something pure and natural and good, and turn it into something so ugly?
10:13This is not a holiday, this is torture. They know exactly what they want, but
10:17they won't tell you. No, they make you guess.
10:21This is just so earth. Oh, humans. I don't want to play any of their
10:25reindeer games.
10:28Oh, listen to them singing like idiots.
10:35Why do we want to be like humans anyway?
10:53That's better.
10:58And so we see that B equals 2A over delta, which equals K times mass over 2 pi delta,
11:09then therefore... Leon, what are you passing around?
11:15Oh, Karen made them. Yeah, they're Christmas cookies.
11:18Oh, how Christmassy. All sparkly, red and green.
11:23Oh, look, one of Santa's reindeer. Watch him fly.
11:29And look, a little Christmas bell. Ding dong!
11:33I don't even know what this is.
11:37It was a snowman. No, it was butter and sugar and sprinkles,
11:42all wrapped up in empty sentiment and holiday hypocrisy.
11:47Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Where do you think you're going?
11:51It's Christmas break. It is not Christmas break until I say it is.
11:56Not until you've completed the following remedial assignment.
12:00You will write a 15-page dissertation on wave physics and its relation to
12:03electromagnetic radiation. Oh, and a five-point bonus if you can tell
12:07me how the hell Santa delivers all those toys in one night.
12:13It should be typewritten and on my desk no later than six o'clock.
12:16Tonight? But it's December 23rd. Yeah, it's Christmas Eve Eve.
12:21Oh, it is. Well, top cancel.
12:28Thank you and have a happy and safe holiday from all of us here at the
12:31Rutherford Galleria.
12:34Bye-bye now.
12:37Hey, Tommy. I finally found something for August.
12:41Is this what she wants? I don't know. So I also got her a portable CD player.
12:44Oh, she likes CDs. I don't know. So I got her earrings.
12:47Oh, yeah, and a cellular phone and a belt.
12:50How did you afford all this stuff? Oh, you know that jar of pennies I have in my
12:53room? Yeah? It's where I hide Dick's credit card.
13:01Bartender, two fingers, no fat. I believed in him. I thought we were
13:08bringing joy to the world. I was gonna move to the North Pole to
13:13work in his toy factory.
13:18Well, look what the cat dragged in. You got a lot of guts coming in here,
13:24fat boy. Do I know you? Oh, don't get cute with me,
13:30Kringle. If that is your real name. Hey, what's
13:35your problem? You're my problem. So what are you gonna
13:40do? Get one of your reindeer to kick me to
13:43death? Hey, take it easy. I don't mind your...
13:46Whoa, wait a second. But you, he... Is there a problem?
14:04You know, this is the only time of year I like white music.
14:10What do you think, Nina?
14:15Too much egg. Needs more nog. Yep.
14:27Rumble? Oh, spare me. You better be nice to me if you want your
14:31stocking stuffed.
14:35Hey. There will be no holiday cheer, Nina.
14:37Well, there's work to be done. Work? On Christmas Eve Eve? I'll need all the
14:42grades for my 10 o'clock class, broken down and retabulated for the whole
14:45semester. On Christmas Eve Eve? Yes. Dick, we need somebody tall to hang the
14:51boughs of holly. Fa la la la la la la no.
14:57I guess I'd like the plaid. We're out of everything but green foil and
15:01happy snowmen. Well, it's for my mom, so... You got your
15:04mom a dust-mizer? How nice. The gift that keeps on sucking.
15:11I just didn't know what to get her. Yeah, apparently not.
15:15Wait a second. Where was that? Here you go. A foot massager. The woman needs a
15:19break for crying out loud. Gosh, thanks. You're welcome. Hey, that's
15:23my foot massager. Oh, poor baby. Who's it for?
15:27My wife. Wow, real romantic. Here, wait a second. There are some exotic
15:32bath oils. You can turn your wife into a slip-and-slide.
15:36Hey, that was for my boyfriend. Unless you have a better idea. As a matter of
15:43fact, I do. Here, uh, international beer basket from
15:47the liquor locker. Oh, yeah. Thank you. You're welcome. Merry
15:52Christmas. Merry Christmas. This is fun. Hey, uh, diamond tennis bracelet. Who
15:57wants one? Oh, I do. I do.
16:07This woman laughing, opening their little presents.
16:11Who needs Christmas anyway? I say bug hum bar.
16:17Bug hum bar.
16:21You mean bah humbug. Bah what? You said bug hum bar. And? Well, what does
16:27bug hum bar mean? Well, what does bah humbug mean? Forget it.
16:37Here, merry Christmas. You got me a gift? Yeah. So you were my
16:43secret Santa? I was not your secret Santa. I just happen to love Christmas.
16:47Well, open your damn present.
16:55Well, what is it? It's a travel mug. What's it for?
16:59So you don't spill coffee in your lap every morning.
17:03You noticed?
17:09Uh, yeah. I need this. You're welcome.
17:14Nina, forget the work. Go to the party. Are you sure?
17:21Yes, have a good time.
17:25And Nina, Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Dr. Solomon.
17:33Merry Christmas, Dr. Solomon.
17:41Where are those rum dreidels I made for Dr. Schwartz?
17:45Mary, look what Nina gave me. I'm not talking to you. You're ruining my Christmas.
17:51No, no, that was the old dick. I think I've actually got the spirit. I want to be a part of Christmas now.
17:55Well, pa-dum-pa-dum-bum.
17:59Here you go, Dr. Solomon.
18:01Dr. Solomon, your papers.
18:03Sorry we're late. Dr. Schwartz, you pick.
18:05Your papers? Sorry we're late. Don't take points off.
18:07Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
18:09Dr. Solomon, what are you doing? We worked on those.
18:11And in the spirit of Christmas, I'm not even going to read them. I'm going to give you all Cs.
18:15Cs?
18:17Oh, what the hell? It's Christmas. C pluses.
18:19C pluses!
18:21Go, go, all of you. Trim your stockings and stuff your trees.
18:25Merry Christmas.
18:27Merry Christmas.
18:29God bless us, everyone.
18:33Judith! Judith!
18:35Judith, come in here!
18:37Judith, I'm your secret Santa.
18:39Get out.
18:41Here.
18:43Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.
18:45And Happy New Year. Same to you.
18:47May your holiday be filled with lords of leaping, ladies dancing, pipers piping, drummers strumming, geese a-playing, swans a-swimming.
18:53Five golden rings!
18:59I know I've had a lot of rum balls.
19:03But that was really sweet.
19:05This is just wonderful.
19:07I thought Christmas was all about stress and hostility and handcuffs and Miranda rights.
19:13It's more. It's so much more. It's about giving and sharing and just being human.
19:17Come on, the party's still going on and I've saved a special dance for you all.
19:25That weed grew back again.
19:27It's mistletoe.
19:29Mistletoe?
19:31Yeah.
19:33What's it for?
19:35I'll show you.
19:37Merry Christmas.
19:39Merry Christmas to you.
19:41But what's the mistletoe for?
19:43Dick!
19:45Oh.
20:03Well, I don't know how the real Santa's gonna slide down this thing.
20:07But he will.
20:09Oh, what a lovely way to mark our first anniversary on Earth.
20:13Our first anniversary as humans.
20:15Do you think we'll ever really know everything there is to know about being human?
20:19Silent night, holy night.
20:23All is calm, all is bright.
20:26Round yon virgin, mother and child.
20:29Holy infant, so tender and mild.
20:33Sleep in heavenly peace.
20:37Sleep in heavenly peace.
20:40Silent night, holy night.
20:43All is calm.
20:48Merry Christmas, Tommy.
20:54This?
20:56I made it myself. It's the two of us. See?
21:01What I got for you is so much better than this.
21:05I mean, it is a joke how much better my stuff is than this.
21:11Which I love.