Ranger Bill xx-xx-xx (159) The Floating Death Trap

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"Ranger Bill" is a classic Christian radio program from the 1950s, produced by Moody Radio.   The show features over 200 episodes and stars Miron Canaday as Ranger Bill, a forest ranger in the fictional town of Knotty Pine, located in the Rocky Mountains. Alongside his friends Stumpy Jenkins and Grey Wolf, Ranger Bill tackles various adventures and moral dilemmas, often with a strong Christian message.  The show remains a beloved piece of old-time radio history and is still enjoyed by many fans today.  Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/ Entertainment Radio | Broadcasting Classic Radio Shows | Patreon  Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio

Transcript

00:00Ranger Bill, warrior of the woodland, struggling against extreme odds, traveling dangerous

00:23trails, fighting the many enemies of nature.

00:26This is the job of the guardian of the forest, Ranger Bill.

00:30Pouring rain, freezing cold, blistering heat, snow, floods, bears, rattlesnakes, mountain

00:36lions.

00:37Yes, all this in exchange for the satisfaction and pride of a job well done.

00:49Remember the old days of the riverboats, when they had a big paddle wheel on the stern to

00:54push them along over the shallow parts of the river?

00:57Some folks call them the good old days, but really the rivers and shallow lakes haven't

01:02changed much since those good old days, and they're still shallow in many parts, and the

01:06shifting sand and mud bars still are a menace to navigation.

01:11So we've still got riverboats in some parts of the country.

01:16Our story today concerns the small riverboats that take tourists from Knotty Pine up to

01:21Mirror Lake and the King's Islands.

01:23Say, I hear the whistle of a riverboat right now.

01:28So we bring you the adventure of The Floating Death Trap.

01:34Old Andy Coogan handles his boat like it was a canoe.

01:41Look at the way he's coming into the dock, Jim.

01:44Yeah, Stumpy, and if you ask me, someday he's going to take the dock along with him.

01:50Andy Coogan's too sure of himself.

01:52That old tub of his ain't up to the shenanigans he tries to pull.

01:56Hey, why don't you two rivermen bury the hatchet?

02:00Can decent, honest competitors get along with each other?

02:03Not the way he works it.

02:04I keep my boat in good shape, but I can't cut prices the way he does.

02:09Hey, you, Andy Coogan, don't you think you could be more careful when you pull up to

02:14the dock?

02:16We all got to use it, you know.

02:17Keep your shirt on, Jim Gunderson.

02:20I ain't never damaged it yet.

02:22No, but it won't be long.

02:24That's what the monkey said when he got his tail caught in the mowing machine.

02:29Yeah, funny.

02:30Now, what do you gripe about, Jim Gunderson?

02:34Seems to me you always got a chip on your shoulder.

02:37Well, if I have, you got a two by four on yours.

02:40When are you going to stop cutting tourist fares on me?

02:43That's all in the game, Jim, my boy.

02:46If you can't take it, then you should quit the river boats and retire.

02:49Yeah?

02:50I'd like that.

02:51Maybe you'd like to sell your old tub to Andy Coogan, eh?

02:55Look who's talking about a tub.

02:57Well, that scow of yours is a constant danger on the river.

03:01I don't see how any tourist in his right mind would even travel on it.

03:05Now, see here, you young whippersnappers.

03:07I ain't got time to spend here if you're going to keep scrapping and spitting at each other.

03:12I'll be seeing you some other time.

03:14Now, wait a minute, you old grizzly bear.

03:16I'll go along with you and get my license renewed by your boss

03:20so that I can run Jim Gunderson out of business this year.

03:24That's what you think, you old river rat.

03:27You'll run your business into a sandbar and behind dry before you know it.

03:31Then I'll buy that old garbage scow of yours and fix it up.

03:35Yeah, that'll be the day when the moon turns to green cheese

03:39you'll be able to buy Andy Coogan out.

03:42I'll be back as soon as I get this year's license and run you off the river.

03:59Bill, here's my check for $100 to pay for my license.

04:03You give me that piece of paper, I'll be on my way not bothering you anymore this year.

04:07Uh, Andy, this year it's going to be different.

04:11I can only renew your license if you fix up your boat.

04:15What did you say? Am I hearing things?

04:19I don't think there's any trouble with your hearing, Andy.

04:22I said I can't renew your license to carry tourists

04:26until some of the hazards are removed on your boat.

04:29I'll give you a freight license, but not a passenger license.

04:33You won't give me a license to take folks up to Mirror Lake?

04:38Andy, Bill's told you. You can't have a license this year until you get your boat fixed.

04:42When I ask for your advice, then you can talk, Henry Scott.

04:46Now, Bill Jefferson, give me one good reason

04:50why you won't give me a license to carry passengers. Just one good reason.

04:55All right, Andy, I can give you one good reason.

04:59Your stacks need repair.

05:02And if that isn't enough, I can give you a dozen other reasons.

05:05All right, keep talking. I'm waiting to hear some more of your river wash.

05:09Andy, I'd remind you that our inspections aren't river wash.

05:13Now, here's the list of serious defects we found on your boat.

05:17Huh.

05:20Steering wheel needs... stacks leak.

05:23Deck planks need... wheelhouse...

05:26Boiler can... Why...

05:29Why are you putting me out of business? You rejected my whole boat!

05:33I had to, Andy. Why, my boat's no worse than it was last year.

05:37I wasn't here last year to give out licenses. But this year I'm responsible.

05:41And I say, on inspecting the boat,

05:45that the stacks are a fire hazard and the boiler is a threat to human life.

05:49I can't allow our tourists to ride on your boat.

05:53I don't even want you to carry freight, because you're endangering your own life

05:57by riding on that crap. I'll take care of Andy Coogan.

06:01Give me your sympathy. Did you give license to Jim Gunderson?

06:05Yes, I did, if you want to know, Andy.

06:09He keeps his boat in good repair. And while it's none of my business,

06:13it's my opinion you'll never do the business he does

06:17unless you make your boat safer and more attractive.

06:21Price-cutting will get you nowhere, Andy.

06:25So, you're taking sides with Jim Gunderson. I get the picture.

06:29You're in cahoots, trying to run me out of business.

06:33How much is he paying you for this, Bill Jefferson?

06:37Now, listen here, Andy. I can understand you're being hot under the collar about this,

06:41but you make one crack that I'm using this job for personal profit,

06:45and you'll really be in trouble.

06:49And I know only one thing, Bill Jefferson. Things are getting pretty bad

06:53when the Rangers take sides to run an honest man out of business.

06:59So, Jim Gunderson, you think that you and the Ranger

07:03can put me out of business, eh?

07:07What? I had nothing to do with it.

07:11Well, you don't know Andy Coogan when he fights tooth and nail for his rights.

07:15I've been on this river 20 years,

07:19and I ain't leaving for no scheming rascals now, understand?

07:23Tell him, Andy!

07:27We're behind you.

07:31No Ranger's gonna run you off the river, or Jim Gunderson either.

07:35Why don't you dunk that crate of yours, Andy, and buy a new stand?

07:39Hey, Jim, are you gonna let him call you a crook and get away with it?

07:43Crook? I dare you to call me a crook, Andy Coogan, and we'll see what happens.

07:47Yeah?

07:51What'll you do about it, Jim Gunderson? I say you're a crook to your face,

07:55and you're in cahoots with the Ranger.

07:59Here's another one.

08:07Hey, you haven't knocked Andy into the river.

08:11Come on, fellas. He can't do that to Andy.

08:15It's even-sized, Jim. Let's take him on.

08:19We ain't got time. They're taking us on.

08:23I don't know who.

08:27Hey, look out, guys. Here come the Rangers.

08:31All right. Stop fighting and behave yourselves

08:35before we put all of you in jail.

08:39Ninja ain't joking, boys. You better knock it off.

08:43What seem to be trouble here? Why you fight like wildcats? Maybe you know him.

08:47Yes, I know. Just a slight

08:51disagreement of opinion, that's all. Slight disagreement?

08:55I'd hate to see what you fellas would do if you had a big one.

08:59It'll be all right now.

09:03I think we got the disagreement straight down now.

09:07What happened to Andy? He all wet?

09:11You said it, Ranger. He's all wet more ways than one.

09:15Hush up, you hear? You, Jim, believe me, I'm not through with you yet.

09:19Whenever you're ready for more, let us know, will you?

09:23You fellas better not start more fistfight. It not good. Somebody may get hurt bad.

09:27Yep. Better behave yourselves, boys.

09:31We'll have to put you in cages like monkeys. See you later.

09:35So, that's the story, Mr. Banker.

09:39You think that Bill Jefferson and Jim are

09:43scheming to put me out of business?

09:47No, I wouldn't go for that idea at all, Andy.

09:51Why not? The evidence points that way.

09:55Well, because I've known both men for years,

09:59and I'm sure I can tell you the truth.

10:03Well, because I've known both men for years and had many business dealings with them

10:07personally and through the bank, and they're as honest as a man could be.

10:11And I'd be careful about accusing people that way

10:15if I were you, Andy. You could be taken to court and sued.

10:19You could? Yep. Unless you're hankering for a lawsuit,

10:23you can't go around talking about folks that way.

10:27Well, maybe I have been wrong talking the way I did, but what am I gonna do?

10:31Bill won't let me stay in business, and I won't be able to pay back the loan

10:35I have from your bank. Well, Andy,

10:39let me talk with Bill, will you? He is a good friend of mine,

10:43and perhaps I can change his mind. That is, providing

10:47one thing... What's that, Mr. Banker? Is your boat in pretty fair

10:51shape, or is it as bad as Bill says it is?

10:55Well, some of the things he says are true, but

10:59well, I don't think they're as bad as he says they are. The stacks

11:03leak a little, sure, but they're not a fire hazard.

11:07The boiler's been repaired a lot of times, but it's not gonna blow up.

11:11I'm not crazy enough to make things dangerous for myself.

11:15Well, let me talk to Bill and see what can be done.

11:29Bill,

11:33why are you so hard on Andy? Surely his boat couldn't have

11:37deteriorated this much from last year? Well, last year I wasn't responsible

11:41for boat inspection, Ed, but I understand that the license

11:45was given him on his promise that he'd have the boat repaired.

11:49The truth is, he spent only a nominal amount of money, and the repairs

11:53were only temporary. I see. He didn't tell me that,

11:57Bill. To me, it's a clear case of neglect and cheap maintenance to cut

12:01down costs. And, of course, sooner or later, that

12:05method is more expensive in the long run. The costs catch up with you.

12:09Yes, but Bill, here's the problem. Andy's

12:13got a loan with my bank, and how can he pay it off if you don't issue

12:17him a passenger license so he can make a living? Well, that's his business,

12:21of course. But one way would be to sell his boat for what it's

12:25worth. Sure, he could do that, but he wouldn't have any money to

12:29live on until he got started in another business or got a job for himself.

12:33Well, he wouldn't be the first one who had to do it, Ed.

12:37I'm sorry, but neither you nor anybody else can make me

12:41issue a permit for operating what I believe to be a death trap.

12:45I refuse to bear the responsibility for the lives of people who would be

12:49traveling on that boat. Surely you can understand my position

12:53in this, Ed? I don't think I can this time, Bill. I

12:57think you're too hard. If anything did happen, Andy would be

13:01held responsible, not you. I don't agree with you there, Ed.

13:05Well, if you won't help Andy, I will.

13:09Okay, Ed. That's your privilege. Personally, I'm more than

13:13willing to help him, if he'll only help himself.

13:23Mr. Mayor,

13:27I wish you would persuade Bill to be more lenient in Andy's

13:31case. After all, Andy's an old-timer around here, been a river

13:35man for 20 years. I think he deserves something better than

13:39being shut off like this. Well, I don't know, Ed.

13:43Of course, I'll be glad to talk with Bill. I kind of agree

13:47with you in a way. Still, it would be bad publicity for our

13:51town if there was a tragedy. Will you go with me this afternoon to talk

13:55with Bill? Yes, Ed, I will. Thanks, Mr. Mayor. I'll

13:59need all the support I can get. Bill's a tough enough opponent

14:03for half a dozen like me.

14:11Bob, will you give me a hand with this problem? You know

14:15Bill pretty well, don't you? Sure, we all know Bill pretty well.

14:19I'll be glad to go with you this afternoon, Ed.

14:23I think maybe Bill's out of line on this. Thanks, Bob. The Mayor will be there

14:27too, 3 o'clock this afternoon at Bill's office.

14:35Dad, you hold a lot of influence in the community.

14:39How about throwing in with us and try to influence Bill to change

14:43his mind? Well, I don't know, son. We could

14:47sell Andy's boat to get back the money we lent him. Yes, but in that case, Andy

14:51wouldn't have anything to tide him over until he gets set up again.

14:55Maybe you're right. I'll go along and see what I can do.

15:11Uh-oh. Here come all the bigwigs of

15:15Pineville. Mayor, President of the Bank. I'm right in, men.

15:19Sit down. Thank you, Bill. Say, you

15:23fellas look like you buried your last friend. Why the long faces?

15:27Many a true word spoken in a jest, Stumpy.

15:31Here, Henry, rassle some chairs, will you? Oh, sure, Bill.

15:35Here's a chair for you, Mr. Mayor. A couple of more here, Henry. Thanks.

15:39Well, gentlemen, what's the nature of your visit?

15:43It's been a long time since all the town's VIPs were together at Ranger

15:47Headquarters. It's about your refusing to grant a license to

15:51Andy Coogan, Bill. As I said before, I think you're wrong.

15:55I think you're stretching some fine technical points, so... And Bill,

15:59I'm... Go ahead, Dad. Bill, we've come along with my boy

16:03to find out just why you're being so harsh with old Andy Coogan.

16:07As far as I'm concerned, Bill, I'm sort of half and half on this problem.

16:11I wouldn't want a tragedy to occur and ruin the city's name for tourist trade,

16:15but I don't like to see Andy put out of business, either, if we can help it.

16:19I'd like to know if you would reconsider. Bob,

16:23what do you have to say? Oh, Bill, we're old friends, but

16:27this time I think you're wrong. To suddenly cut off a man's

16:31livelihood when he's been in business here in Knotty Pine for years

16:35is... Well, I think it's unnecessary.

16:39Gentlemen, I can appreciate and understand your concern for Andy

16:43Coogan, far be it from me to cut off a man's business.

16:47But... Now I suppose you're going to be

16:51coldly analytical, Bill. Well, I guess I am, Ed.

16:55I think I ought to be, where human lives are in danger, don't you?

16:59Well, you should go slow, anyway.

17:03Sure, I agree with that. Bill wins the first round, Grey Wolf.

17:07Fight not over yet. Gentlemen, I'm not going to itemize the false

17:11we found with Andy's stern wheeler. I think you're all familiar with them

17:15as it is. That's right, Bill. No sense going over that again.

17:19Mr. Mayor, would you issue a safety sticker

17:23to a man whose car had faulty brakes? Well, no, I guess

17:27I wouldn't, Bill. And if you did issue the safety sticker for a faulty

17:31car, and the driver ran somebody down, who would be

17:35to blame? Well, why, the driver, of course.

17:39Only the driver? Well, in a measure, I would be responsible, too.

17:43Sure, since I issued the safety sticker in the first place.

17:47Score a win in round two for Bill. Ah, he may clean sweep

17:51for that one. Now, gentlemen, by the Mayor's own admission,

17:55he's answered your question. Suppose the stern wheeler caught

17:59fire from the leaky stacks, or the boiler exploded

18:03and lives were lost. Who would be responsible? Beside

18:07Andy, that is. I suppose you'd have

18:11to bear some of the responsibility for issuing the licenses.

18:15Well, gentlemen, do we have an argument? Well, as I

18:19said before, I certainly wouldn't want to pressure you into taking that kind of

18:23responsibility. I don't know, Mayor. Seems to me that

18:27Bill could give Andy a time extension to make the repairs.

18:31This trade won't be heavy for another month yet. I side with the Mayor.

18:35I don't see where there's any argument left. To make Bill do this is

18:39like pointing a loaded gun at him. You tell him, Big Ed, and there's

18:43no telling when that there loaded shooting iron's gonna let go and hit Bill

18:47right between the eyeballs. Oh, sir, if I were Bill,

18:51I wouldn't issue that there piece of paper, either. I'm sorry.

18:55I don't agree with that at all, gentlemen. I think Andy should

18:59get a break, and I'm going to do all I can to see that he gets it.

19:03You can help Andy, Ed. Eh? How's that? You sound

19:07so sure of yourself, Bill. I am. Help Andy get his boat

19:11repaired. See that he does it. And I'll be glad

19:15to issue a license. But not before.

19:29Well, Bill,

19:33I've got good news for you. Oh, that's fine, Andy. What's the good news?

19:37I fixed up my sternwheeler, the way you asked.

19:41Say, that is good news. I'm sure glad you came to see things

19:45the right way, Andy. Well, here's my check, Bill.

19:49If you make up the receipts and license, I'll be getting back to work. Sure,

19:53I'll be glad to do that, too, after I've inspected your boat.

19:57After you've inspected? You mean you don't take my word that the

20:01repairs are made? Oh, that's not what I mean, Andy. If you say you made them,

20:05I believe you. What I want to verify is that they were made

20:09according to specifications. Oh, specifications.

20:13Well, let's go down and see it. Okay, Andy.

20:17My car's outside.

20:27Hiya, Bill. Oh, hello, Jim.

20:31Say, Bill, did Andy tell you he fixed up that old tub of his?

20:35It don't look any different to me. Let me be the judge of that, Jim. Come on,

20:39Bill. Jim Gunderson don't know what he's talking about. Is that so?

20:43Listen, you old skin-flint, at least I got my boat running on the river.

20:47Say, why don't you two fellas bury the hatchet? Stop squabbling with each other.

20:51Genuine competitors can make business better, you know.

20:55You don't have to cut each other's throats to stay in business.

20:59Nobody can get along with that fellow. Me, I don't even try anymore.

21:03Listen to the man chirp, just like a magpie.

21:07Here, we'll start with the boiler first, Bill. Okay with me.

21:11Well, what do you say, Bill?

21:15Satisfied? Inspection okay?

21:19No, Andy. I'm sorry to say it isn't.

21:23What? Why, I fixed up everything the way you wanted it.

21:27What more do you want? One thing I don't want is camouflage.

21:31I just want honest repairs. It'll be good enough to stand up

21:35until the next time I see you.

21:39It'll be good enough to stand up under wear and tear. For instance?

21:43Those pieces of tin you wrapped around the leaky stacks, they wouldn't last a week.

21:47What? Bill Jefferson, you get off of my boat, do you hear?

21:51Get off! And I'll run without a license. Now get off!

21:55Sure, I'll get off, Andy. But you'd better not run without a license,

21:59or I'll have to put you under arrest.

22:03My judgment is that to operate this floating death trap is a menace to everybody

22:07on or near it. And that's final.

22:25Ranger Headquarters, Bill Jefferson speaking.

22:29Bill! Ed Banker!

22:33What ornery can you get? Huh? What do you mean, Ed?

22:37Why, Andy fixed up his boat just as you requested, and you turned down his license again.

22:41What's the matter with you, Bill? What do you expect of a man?

22:45Now, just a minute, Ed. Did you look at the repairs Andy made?

22:49What? Why, no. That's what I thought.

22:53Take a look. They're nothing but camouflage, Ed. Pure camouflage.

22:57The boat's still in dangerous condition.

23:01Oh, the downright stubborn people. You are the worst.

23:05Ed, believe me, if I thought for one minute... Hey, Bill! Bill, you gotta come.

23:09Andy Coogan's riverboat's on fire. What's that? Hold on, Ed.

23:13I said Andy Coogan's riverboat's on fire. Up on Mirror Lake.

23:17Henry, you get Stumpy and Graywolf. Yeah? Stand by in the car. Okay.

23:21Get the fellas to radio the fireboat. I'll call Tom in the fire tower and find out how badly Andy's boat is burning.

23:25Right away, Bill. Ed, did you hear that?

23:29I sure did. Now take back all I said. I'll hang up right now so you can swing into action.

23:47Fire tower three. Tom speaking. Tom, this is Bill.

23:51Can you see Andy Coogan's boat? I'll say I can.

23:55I was just about to call you. How badly is it burning, Tom?

23:59It looks like the fire's coming from around the stacks. I can see it pretty well through my glasses.

24:03Good boy. Keep your radio open and your eye on the boat until we get there.

24:07I'm taking the fireboat. So long.

24:25Come on, fellas.

24:29Coming, Dad. Coming.

24:33Cast off, Matt. Yes, sir. Henry, you'll have to jump out of the deck.

24:37Boat, move out fast. Hey, wait for me. Here I come.

24:41This boat must be getting smaller.

24:45Let her rip, boys.

24:49We may be having trouble with sandbars in Riverville. Yeah, this isn't a stern wheeler.

24:53I know, pal. You fellas each man a main nozzle and turn them out.

24:57I'll start the pumps. There's only one sandbar that will stop us.

25:01Turn the nozzles down toward the water and lock them in place.

25:05What do you plan to do, Bill? Let's turn our fireboat over sandbar with stream from high-pressure nozzles?

25:09That's the general idea. Man your stations, fellas.

25:15Bill, there's Andy's boat ahead on nearer lake. It burned bad.

25:19Give it all you got, Matt. Full speed ahead.

25:23Full speed ahead.

25:27Matt, keep it full speed ahead.

25:31Ray, Wolf, make sure those nozzles are locked.

25:35Pumps are turned on. When I give the word, open the valves.

25:39How close are we to the sandbar, Henry? Pretty close, Bill.

25:43Yell when the valve passes over the bar.

25:47Now, Bill, now.

25:51Turn them on, fellas.

25:55Turn them off.

25:59Hooray! We made it over the sandbar.

26:03Now we got a clear road. Turn the nozzles around, fellas.

26:07We'll approach the boat from the starboard. Give it all you got, Matt.

26:17Cut the water.

26:21Cut the water.

26:25Fire's under control. Fire's under control.

26:29Ray, Nick, take a hose line and go aboard

26:33and soak down the upholstery and walls in the cabin.

26:37Fellas, drain the water out of the high-pressure gear.

26:41Hey, there's Andy's boat.

26:45Hey, there's Andy and some other fellows, other men up in the bow.

26:49Thank the Lord they're all right.

26:53They've got Ed Banker and Jim Gunnison and other men on it.

26:57Henry, you entertain the distinguished guests.

27:01Stumpy, Ray, Wolf, let's go aboard Andy's boat and take a look.

27:05I want to be sure the fire's out.

27:16Bill, I want to apologize for the way I acted.

27:20You were dead right about Andy's boat. It was in bad condition.

27:24Well, that's all right. I'm sorry, too, Bill.

27:28Personally, you did a fine job of saving the boat from total destruction.

27:32Well, he sure did. And the other rangers with him.

27:36Bill, will you accept an apology? If I'd have listened to you, this wouldn't have happened.

27:40Thanks for saving my boat from being burned to a crisp.

27:44Maybe saving my life in the bargain.

27:48Fellas, you don't have to apologize. Let's forget it.

27:52We all have our differences of opinion, and that's our privilege.

27:56Well, maybe so. Now I'm really going to have my boat fixed up in tip-top shape.

28:00Then I'll be after you for a license.

28:04I'll be glad to give it to you, Andy, so you can run the river with Jim Gunnison.

28:08Yes, if he can catch me.

28:12Don't worry the hatchet, Andy. We'll be good friends, huh?

28:16Well, that suits me fine. Here's my five.

28:20And here's mine.

28:28Say, all's well that ends well, as the old saying.

28:32Bill proved that you have to stick by your guns when you know you're right.

28:36Even against all your friends, sometimes.

28:40Let's go on an adventure with Ranger Bill!

29:10Hi there, boys and girls.

29:14This is Ranger Bill, back again for just a third of a minute

29:18with an extra word of thanks to you for joining us today.

29:22Hope you'll team up with the Rangers every week at this time

29:26when your local station gives us this chance to get together.

29:30See you then!

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