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00:30Oh, get under, get out and get under, to fix his little machine, and every minute, well...
00:48Morning, Mr. Neville. Morning, Will. How's your rock cock? Oh, fine.
00:53And what are you doing down there? Just checking my bearings. Well, it's a nice day for it.
00:58Well, I hope you get it. No, no. No, I mean a nice day for driving the car. Oh, yeah, I'm just giving it a touch-up.
01:05Right, isn't it lovely, really lovely to see your dad's old banger out again? Oh, that's what he called it, is it?
01:11We had some good times in that, me and your dad. Yeah, so I've discovered. How do you mean? Hang on, I'll show you.
01:17I found this under one of the seats. Well, don't look at me, it's not mine. It's not me dad's, is it?
01:26No. Well, whose it was? I don't know. Whoever it was, she was a big girl. You could get five pound of potatoes in each cup.
01:34Nellie Robinson. Oh, that's who it belonged to, Nellie Robinson. She used to work here about ten years ago, did the books for your dad.
01:42She did a bit more than that by the look of it. Oh, she was man-mad. Had a smashing, oh, a lovely figure.
01:48Some rosy cheeks and big blue eyes. What happened to her? Oh, went away with old flesh. She didn't die, did she?
01:55No, no, no, she got married. Well, I wonder how long that brazier's been in there. And the rest. What do you mean, the rest?
02:02Come here, I'll show you in the boot. Oh, I hope I'm old enough to see it.
02:06Look, pairs of silk stockings, two pairs of knickers and a roller blind.
02:17And what's this? Oh, it's your dad's starting handle.
02:23You didn't have to wind them up first, did you? No, no, only when his battery was flat. No, it's for the car.
02:29Morning. Oh, hello, Mark. Ah, look, dad's old banger. Don't be so personal.
02:35He meant the car, not you. Oh, yeah. Many's the time me and your dad sat in that back seat stuffing ourselves.
02:44No wonder the springs have gone. No, I mean, picnics on Sunday, you see, for picnics, you know, and then...
02:51Would you believe it? After all these years, his stays have turned up. That's why he called it his old banger.
03:00Now, your dad was a man's man. He didn't do so bad with the women, by the looks of it.
03:04I'll go and brew the tea. I'll bring you out of comfort.
03:09Thanks, Will. Two lumps. Are you talking about me?
03:13I'm fed up with people making remarks about my anatomy. You men are all the same.
03:18Don't you believe it, dear? No. I like your medallion. Thank you, Mr Neville.
03:24It's St Christopher. Oh, lucky old Christopher.
03:29Excuse me, Mr Neville. What is it, love? Are you in a good mood?
03:33Not particularly, am I? Oh, what a pity. Well, what's the matter?
03:36I wanted to ask your favour about tomorrow. What about tomorrow?
03:39Can I have it off? Eh? I'm going to see my dentist. He's going to take my back too foul.
03:46Which dentist are you going to? Oh, Mr Henry, down the high street.
03:49Don't go to him. Why not? He's a union man. One out, all out.
03:54Come on, get back to your rolling.
03:57I don't know how those girls put any clothes on.
04:01We have to get under. Get out of here.
04:10Beep, beep. Oh, hello, Percy. I was just checking the controls.
04:14Yes, a menace. What is? Pardon? A menace.
04:18Who is? You started it. Oh, yes, a menace.
04:22Cars. Cars are a menace. Yes.
04:25Give me horses any time. Here. Ah, thank you very much.
04:29Oh, it's not yours. Yours is inside. Oh, you don't have it.
04:32Well, I've sugared it, stirred it and milked it. Would you like to blow on it for me?
04:36No, it's fine. I wish Dorothy would hurry up. She's going to teach me to drive.
04:40She never said anything to me about that. She doesn't know yet. I haven't asked her.
04:43Oh, you'll be lucky. Luck has nothing to do with it. I'm just going to butter her up.
04:47A few choice compliments and she'll do anything for me.
04:50All it takes is a bit of flannel. What's all this about a bit of flannel?
04:54Oh, hello, Dorothy. I was just saying we need a bit of flannel to clean Dad's car.
04:58Oh. That's right, Miss Dorothy. Doesn't she look lovely?
05:02She always looks lovely, Mr Neville. Oh, yes, a vision you really are.
05:07Have you been drinking? Only mouse tea.
05:10Then you must be after something. What's he up to, Will?
05:13Well, he thought that if... Ah, yes, well, if you'll excuse me, I'll be going.
05:17I can't pull the wool over your eyes, can I? No. Or the flannel.
05:21I'll tell you the truth. I want you to do me a big favour.
05:24What sort of favour? I want to have a bash in Dad's banger.
05:29Do what? I'm talking about driving the car.
05:32Oh, you mean you want me to teach you how to drive? Yes.
05:35Then I can go in for me test. Oh, well, yes. I suppose it will come in useful.
05:39Have you ever driven a car before? A long time ago.
05:42Well, you should remember something about it. Was it automatic or manual?
05:46Pedal.
05:48Me auntie bought it for me for Christmas. Well, what about it?
05:52Well, I... Oh, all right, then jump in. I'll give you your first lesson.
05:56Oh, good.
06:01I thought you were going to do the driving. Oh, silly me.
06:06Oh-ho-ho!
06:08What's the matter? I had an awkward moment with the gear lever.
06:12Right, now then, what do I do first? Fasten your seatbelt.
06:16Oh, yes.
06:18Right, that's it. Now, first, you check in your mirror.
06:23I look lovely.
06:25You're supposed to check if there's any traffic about.
06:28There won't be any traffic about in the yard.
06:31There will be when we get out in the road. Come on, do it properly.
06:36All clear.
06:38Right. Now then, here's the key.
06:41Right, there we are. That's it.
06:43Now, first of all, I'll go through the controls with you.
06:46Oh, you don't need to do that. I know where they are.
06:49Oh, all right, then, clever dick. Start her up.
06:55I'm just checking to see if it works.
06:58Try pulling the choke out.
07:00Oh, the choke, yes. Now then...
07:03It's the knob to... I know where it is.
07:07Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
07:09Oh! It's coming on to rain. I'd better put the hood on.
07:12Oh, no, that's the windscreen washer.
07:15Oh, for heaven's sake, pull that knob there.
07:18Right, there's no need to shout.
07:20It's a bit stiff. Well, pull it harder.
07:25Is it supposed to come out?
07:28Now then, just turn that key in the ignition there and pull that knob.
07:32Right.
07:36I've done it, I've done it!
07:38All right, James Hunt, don't get carried away.
07:41Can we go up and down the road now?
07:43Well, you'll have to drive out of the yard first.
07:46Well, where's the driving out button?
07:48It's here. It's this knob and it's called the gear lever.
07:51Oh, yes, I remember that.
07:53What do I do with it?
07:55Put your right hand on the steering wheel,
07:57your left hand on the gear lever,
07:59your right foot on the throttle and your left foot on the clutch.
08:02Now, keep your eye on the road. Now, squeeze it very gently.
08:09I've got nothing left to squeeze it with.
08:12What do you mean, with your foot?
08:14Do you think I am a centipede?
08:17Press that pedal down on the floor.
08:19Oh, you mean this one?
08:21No, no, that's the throttle, the one on the other side, the clutch.
08:25Right, yes.
08:26Have you got your foot on it?
08:27Let's try it again. Hang on.
08:31I've done it, I've done it!
08:33Right, now then, take your hand off the gear lever, put it on the handbrake.
08:37Now, press down with the handbrake, ease up with the clutch very gently.
08:41Yes.
08:42Press down with the throttle and you'll go forward.
08:44Right, off we go!
08:51Oh, Neville!
08:57APPLAUSE
09:19All right, Will, now bring it to me, that's it.
09:21Oh, Mr Neville, the shoe's come off!
09:23Well, I can't help it!
09:26Leave it!
09:32To me now?
09:33I've got it in me shoe properly, of course.
09:36I'll just have to put it down, I can't go any further.
09:39Good, the new door's come.
09:41Yes, how's the car?
09:42Oh, I've parked it outside ready.
09:44Oh, good. Well, I'll go down to the driving test centre and book me test.
09:48Who's coming with me?
09:49Me. We tossed up for it and I lost.
09:52Mr Neville's going now!
09:54Oh, Mr Neville, dear, do be careful.
09:56I wouldn't like you to have a nasty accident
09:58and finish up a horrible mess in the middle of the road.
10:00She's a cheerful old soul, isn't she?
10:02I'm only driving down to the test to book it.
10:04Never you mind, Mr Neville.
10:06You take me to St Christopher.
10:08It'll keep you safe.
10:10Still warm.
10:13I've got something for you, Mr Neville.
10:15What is it?
10:16It's a special African thing made of herbs and oils.
10:19Oh, sounds very potent.
10:21It'll make you go, go, go.
10:23I'll put it in me tank, tank, tank.
10:26Have you got anything for me?
10:28Oh, yes, Mr Neville, a rabbit's foot.
10:30Oh, that's nice.
10:31The only thing is, it's still attached to the rabbit.
10:34You'd better hang on to that.
10:36Wilf, are you ready?
10:37Yes, as ready as I'll ever be.
10:42Neville, you'd better have your hat. It'll be cold in that open car.
10:45Good luck, Mr Neville. I hope he makes it to the centre.
10:48Keep driving in the middle of the road.
10:50No!
10:51Good luck then, Mr Neville.
10:53Come on, Mr Neville.
10:54We're the drivers.
10:56Oh, it's not Neville that needs the luck, it's poor old Wilf.
10:59Yes, this is the driving test office.
11:02Oh, Mrs Jackson, just a moment.
11:05You were supposed to have been here for your test five minutes ago.
11:10Oh, I see.
11:11You can't come for your test because the policemen won't let you.
11:17No, no, I'm sure it wasn't your fault.
11:19No, you probably didn't see the sign saying no entry.
11:23No, I don't really think it would do any good if I were to have a word with a nasty policeman.
11:29Look, I'll book you in for another test as soon as I can.
11:32Goodbye.
11:42Well, I didn't do that too bad, did I?
11:44Too bad? We're lucky to be alive.
11:47Look, I thought my time would come when you went up that no entry street the wrong way.
11:52I had to close my eyes.
11:54So did I, but I didn't hit anything.
11:57Only because you drove on the pavement.
12:00Don't you know your road signs?
12:02What road signs?
12:03The highway code.
12:04What highway code?
12:07Look, you'll never pass the test unless you know the highway code.
12:10Look, somebody over here, come over.
12:12It's self-evident, this.
12:13Look, I'll take you through.
12:14What's that one?
12:15An aeroplane.
12:16Yeah. It means beware of low-flying aircraft.
12:19That one?
12:20Beware of low-flying motorbikes.
12:24No, no, no. It means no mechanical vehicles allowed that way.
12:27What about that one then?
12:28Watch out for the Indians.
12:31No, no, not Indians. It means two-way traffic ahead.
12:35What's that?
12:36That's Marilyn lying down.
12:39No, no, no. It means uneven surface.
12:41It's the same thing.
12:43I can't get through this. What's that one?
12:45Oh, I know that one.
12:46What?
12:47Cattle crossing.
12:48Good. Marvellous. What's that one?
12:49Man clearing off after cattle have crossed.
12:53It's no good, Mr Ed.
12:54It's not what you really have to learn if you want to pass the test.
12:57Well, I'm off.
12:58Off?
12:59Yes. You don't need me to help you fill in a form.
13:02I'll see you later. I'll be in the Queen's Arms.
13:04Eh?
13:07The pub across the road.
13:12Don't ask a man to drink and drive.
13:15Be careful how you cross the road.
13:17Look right, look left, look right again.
13:19Look right, look left, look right again.
13:21Look right, look left, look right again.
13:22Be careful how you cross the road.
13:24Look right, look left, look right again.
13:26Be careful how you cross the road.
13:28Look right, look right…
13:29Ahem.
13:32Moin.
13:34Morning, sir.
13:35Can I help you?
13:36Yes. Could I ask a question?
13:38Oh, by all means. That is what we are here for.
13:40Please, take a seat.
13:42myself on my technical knowledge. now what's your question? what day is it? what day is it?
13:47well I better explain. you see according to the notice outside if it's sat sun or
13:52even Bank Hull I can park my car there but only if it's even and not odd. yes
13:57well I'm sure you didn't come here to discuss what day it is. now how can I
13:59help you? I'd like to take a driving test as soon as possible. well now it so
14:04happens I've just had a cancellation so you can take it today if you like. oh.
14:08yeah well all right yeah. well now first of all we shall need an application form.
14:14oh I brought one of those with me. oh good have you filled it in? no I'm not
14:18very good at filling in forms. something always goes wrong. oh nonsense nothing
14:22simpler than filling in an application for a driving test. this is an
14:26application for family allowances. I told you something always went wrong. I made a
14:31mistake in the post office. oh not to worry I have one here. now have you got
14:35six pounds seventy-five people? it's a lot of money for a form. that is for the
14:41test. never mind you can give me a trick later. now surname? Sutcliffe. Sutcliffe. my sister's
14:49been teaching me to drive. Christian name? Dorothy.
14:54Dorothy. I must say I should hate to be settled with a name like Dorothy. so would I.
15:12is your name Dorothy? no that's my sister.
15:19well I say my sister. she's not really my sister. she's my half-sister. my father
15:26married twice. I want the Christian name. Herbert. good good. just the one Christian name? I think so.
15:36surely you must know how many Christian names you have. well I know how many I have. I'm not
15:41too sure about my father. I think he was just a Herbert. is your name Herbert?
15:53Sutcliffe Neville. they call me that at the orphanage. address? 32 Leatham Road.
16:14Blackpool. yes it's a Squires Gate orphanage in Blackpool.
16:21I'll fill in the name and address later. type of vehicle? car. what type of car?
16:47banger. I'll fill in the type of car later. have you ever had a test before? no. not applicable.
16:58not applicable. not applicable. thank God. sign there will you? Neville Sutcliffe. that it? yes
17:08that is all we require. I had no idea it was so easy to pass a test. I know you'll think I'm
17:15silly but I thought we had to go out and drive the car. we do mr. Sutcliffe. we do. can't you
17:24take my word for it? no I'm afraid not. now come along and let's see how good you are.
17:39now first of all mr. Sutcliffe I'd like you to do something for me. with pleasure. what is it?
17:44can you read the number of that car over there? certainly. MDG 813. P. I wanted you to read it
18:03from over there. now can you read the number on that car but from here? DHF 10 J. good. where's
18:12your car? round here. what is this? sorry about that. that must be big Nellie's. big Nellie's?
18:25mad mad Nellie she was known as. she got rosy cheeks and big blue eyes. sounds the right little
18:31reaver. you know from what I heard she'd go with anything in trousers. her name was Nellie
18:39Robinson. Robinson? Nellie Robinson? did you know her? know her? I married her. I think we'd better.
19:09how am I doing so far? take the next turning left. next turning left. right.
19:27don't look at me like that. you said right. just carry on.
19:47straight across. are you sure? don't argue.
19:58you're giving me that funny look again. I'm not doing too bad now am I? in a few moments I shall
20:09ask you to make an emergency stop. why? do you want to go somewhere? when I say stop put the
20:15brakes on. right. stop. I said stop. I must have pressed the wrong pedal. well I'll press it. I can't. it's stuck. look out.
20:28the lights are on. I can't help that.
20:58I was just sorry.
21:15sit yourself down. you'll feel better when you've got your feet up. I don't think I shall ever feel
21:34better again. oh come on. look on the bright side. it was a lovely day for a drive and you caught a
21:41fish. and a cold. now then. how did I get on?
22:01mr. Sutcliffe. we have been out of this office for something under an hour. in that space of time you
22:13have given me an experience the like of which I have never known in 25 years as a driving examiner.
22:20that's nice. shall I pass then? no you have not passed. what did I do wrong? it would be easier to ask what you did right. what did I do right? nothing. so in your opinion I'm not fit to drive a car. in my opinion you are not fit to drive a wheelbarrow. if at first you don't succeed try try again.
22:45Sutcliffe. Neville. not applicable. not applicable.
22:57well Neville did you pass? no he failed me before I'd even started. I did everything right. I made the hand signals. I checked the mirror. I revved up to move on. then what happened? I went backwards again. straight into another car. well that was a mistake. it was. it was a mistake.
23:15of course it was his car. how did you get back here then? I drove. you're not supposed to drive yourself. that's why I sent Percy with you. he should have come back with you. he did park the way and all of a sudden he leapt out. just as I was going through the shopping precinct. was he hurt? I don't know. I don't know why he jumped out. there were no cars about. just lots of people running all over the road. well what happened? he landed in an old lady's shopping trolley. I should give it up mr. Neville.
23:44oh no I'm a Percy here. a bit more practice and I should be all right. now who's taking me out? Dorothy. no Neville. never again. well sorry mr. Neville. my doctor won't allow it. Marilyn. no mr. Neville. I'm not qualified. Cleo? that means I've had it. now you have mr. Neville. I'll give you a hand. would you ma'am? yes I taught your dad one or two things in this car. I should be able to teach you a few. right stand back while I drive out.
24:12what do you think you ought? so much better than I used to be.
24:42it's the last time I have a driving test. I'm going to sell the car and buy a horse. in any case it'll come in handy. I've started growing rhubarb. thanks ever so much for watching. hope we'll see you next week. good night. god bless.