Odd Man Out - 104 [couchtripper][U]
Transcript
00:30MUSIC FADES
00:39ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS
00:42What the...?
00:46Oh!
00:48Hello, Will. How's your rock, cock?
00:50It's a sample for you, Mr Neville.
00:52Oh, thank you.
00:54What do you do in all this pissing and stuff?
00:56Well, I'm trying to learn to dance.
00:59The trouble is, I don't know whether I'm a man or a woman.
01:01Eh?
01:03In the book, I don't know whether I'm whitefeet or blackfeet.
01:06Let me have a look. Well, you're a man, you're a blackfoot.
01:09Oh, would you like to be a whitefoot?
01:11Me? Yes, I've been invited to the Chamber of Commerce dinner and dance.
01:14I can manage the dinner, but I can't dance.
01:17Hmm, you wouldn't mind being a woman for a few minutes, would you?
01:20Oh, I don't know about that, Mr Neville.
01:22Oh, you can dance, can't you?
01:24Yes, you should see my fandango.
01:27Another time, thank you.
01:29We'll just get on with the waltz.
01:31You've nothing to do, you're on your lunch hour, so it'll be all right.
01:34No, I don't. I mean, suppose it's only...
01:36Now, don't be a spoilsport. Nobody'll see you.
01:38Dorothy's on safari to the sales.
01:40Oh, well, all right, then.
01:42Right, now, we'll start from the top. Now, come on.
01:44Now, put your hand on my shoulder.
01:46Oh, Mr Neville. Oh, not that one.
01:48This one, that's it.
01:50Now, I put my hand on your waist.
01:52Where's your waist? Is it...?
01:54Well, it's near enough, anyway.
01:56Now, where's your other... Oh, up there.
01:58Right. Oh, it's cosy, isn't it?
02:00Right, we'll begin.
02:02It's no good. It's no good, Mr...
02:04I don't feel like a woman.
02:06Well, let me look at you.
02:08Oh, no wonder it's all hanging out.
02:10What?
02:12Your tie. Tuck it in. Oh, sorry.
02:14Roll your trouser legs up.
02:16Oh, I wish I hadn't come in now.
02:18Here.
02:20What's this? Oh, come on.
02:22Now then.
02:24Finishing touch.
02:30How do I look?
02:32Miss World will have to look out.
02:34Really?
02:36Do you mind if I take you in my arms again?
02:38We are only dancing, aren't we?
02:40Of course we are. Come along.
02:42You come here often.
02:44Oh, Mr Neville, let's get on with it.
02:46I'll shuffle over to the record player.
02:48Come on. That's it.
02:50Right.
02:54Now.
03:00Nice. Yes, I'm getting the hang of it now.
03:02I'm enjoying it myself.
03:04You'll never know your luck.
03:12No, don't whiz me around fast.
03:14Mr Neville, I can't see.
03:16I don't care.
03:18He's gone too far for me. Stop it then.
03:20I can't stop it. Where is it?
03:22Excuse me.
03:28Mr Neville.
03:30I thought you were out shopping.
03:32I was, but I'm back.
03:34What's all this in aid of?
03:36Do tell me.
03:38You're representing Littlehampton at the Come Dancing finals.
03:40As a matter of fact,
03:42we're going on Opportunity Knox.
03:44A new dance team, a sort of modern Fred and Ginger.
03:46I'm Fred and he's you, mate.
03:48Well, Miss Dorothy,
03:50I was only trying to help people to learn to dance.
03:52Isn't it time you were back at work, Wilf?
03:54Yes, yes, it is. I'm just going.
03:56Thanks.
03:58Oi!
04:00Haven't you forgotten something?
04:02Yes.
04:04I look silly walking down the road with that on.
04:10I hate shopping when the sales are on.
04:12Oh, so do I.
04:14It's just like a madhouse.
04:16You know, I couldn't agree more.
04:18I remember once in Blackpool, I went to buy a pair of jeans
04:20and I'd just got me trousers off
04:22when somebody grabbed them and said,
04:24I'll take these.
04:26I had to shuffle all the way home with me legs through a carrier bag.
04:30Just to cover my confusion.
04:32Did you get anything?
04:34Yes. I got a dress.
04:36Oh, what's it like?
04:38Well, it's Italian pink and it's got a low back
04:40and a slit up the front
04:42and it's all ruched over the bust.
04:44Oh, I used to have one like that.
04:46You?
04:48I was in the Dramatic Society.
04:50They were very short of women.
04:52Must have been.
04:56By the way, I assume you're going to the dinner dance?
04:58Oh, yes, yes.
05:00Who are you taking?
05:02Well, I'm not sure. I thought I might give my friend Bobby a ring,
05:04but it's such a long way to come from Blackpool.
05:06You're supposed to take a woman.
05:08You haven't seen Bobby.
05:10Do you know any girls, Neville?
05:12You weren't.
05:14I was.
05:16Nice girl she was.
05:18Rita.
05:20Rita Shufflebottom.
05:22What an awful name.
05:24No, no. She changed it to Sandra Shufflebottom.
05:28Oh, I shall never forget the first time we kissed.
05:30It was on her doorstep.
05:32I said, close your eyes.
05:34Then you kissed.
05:36No, I missed. I got mine closed as well.
05:38I kissed her right under the...
05:40Next time we kissed, I kept mine open.
05:42And as our lips touched,
05:44I heard ringing in my ears.
05:46Oh, Neville,
05:48that must have been true love.
05:50No, I was leaning on the doorbell.
05:52What happened?
05:54Why didn't you marry her?
05:56Oh, same old tale. Another man.
05:58She met someone else.
06:00No, I did.
06:02Well, perhaps it wasn't meant to be.
06:04It may not have been written in the stars.
06:06Stars?
06:08I hope I'm not making a conjunction with you.
06:10You certainly was not.
06:12We never cut up the tricks like that.
06:14I'm talking about the signs of the zodiac.
06:16You see, Neville,
06:18the stars play a vital role in our lives.
06:20What a load of rubbish.
06:22It is not rubbish.
06:24What is your sign?
06:26Sign?
06:28Yes. When were you born?
06:3028th June.
06:32Cancer. The crab.
06:34I don't fancy being a crab.
06:36It's all a load of rubbish.
06:38You have a warm, loving and generous nature.
06:40Ridiculous.
06:42What did you say?
06:44You have a warm, loving and generous nature.
06:46Well, perhaps there's something in it.
06:48Changed a tune, have you?
06:50No, I like to keep an open mind on these things.
06:52What else does it say?
06:54You possess great artistic qualities.
06:56True.
06:58A born leader with a zestful personality.
07:00Oh, yes, I'll go along with that.
07:02I think you're right, Neville. It is a load of old rubbish.
07:04Who's changed their tune?
07:06Well, I can't stay talking to you all day.
07:08I've got to make a hair appointment.
07:10They're going to do something special for tomorrow night.
07:12Who's taking you to the dance, Will?
07:14Certainly not.
07:16Well, who then?
07:18You'll find out tomorrow.
07:20But at least I shan't go unaccompanied.
07:22No, neither shall I.
07:24Oh?
07:26No, don't you worry.
07:28There's plenty of young, eligible girls willing to oblige me.
07:30Now, don't worry, madam.
07:32We are very confidential at the datamate agency.
07:34We never divulge a client's name, Mrs. Smith.
07:36No, we give you a number.
07:38Then, when we arrange a meeting with a suitable partner,
07:40you identify each other by numbers.
07:42The rest is up to you.
07:44Now, if it ever gets as far as the nuptials,
07:46my brother, Sam, can do you a lovely reception.
07:48Smoked salmon, chopped liver,
07:50special discount for old clients.
07:52You know?
07:54Oh, yes.
07:56Oh, yes.
07:58Oh, yes.
08:00Special discount for old clients.
08:02You know?
08:04Bye.
08:06Come in.
08:20Good afternoon.
08:22Good afternoon, sir.
08:24Do sit down.
08:28Can I help you?
08:30Yes, what have you got in stock?
08:32Do you mind?
08:34Well, this is an introduction agency,
08:36not a supermarket.
08:38In stock?
08:40I take it you are interested in finding
08:42a compatible companion.
08:44Yes, it's to take to a dance.
08:46Male or female?
08:48Well, what do you think?
08:50These days, who knows?
08:52Female.
08:54Well, it's ten pounds in introduction.
08:56Fine.
08:58Ten.
09:00Non-returnable.
09:02You're not taking any chances, are you?
09:04Business is business, sir.
09:06I will just take down some details.
09:08Name?
09:10Do you want my real name?
09:12Here. You're not one of them, are you?
09:14One of what?
09:16Coming here for a cheap bit of crumpet?
09:18Ten quid down and find your own railings?
09:20Certainly not.
09:22I'm a respectable man.
09:24A respectable agency.
09:26If you want my name, it's Neville Sutcliffe.
09:28Oh, so it's purely for our records, you know.
09:30You are known to your partner
09:32only by a number.
09:34Oh, how exciting.
09:36Just like MI5.
09:38I don't suppose you've got 007?
09:40Oh, no. They always say that.
09:42How do you feel about 69?
09:44Pardon?
09:46Your number, 69.
09:48Oh, well, it's as good as any, I suppose.
09:50Good. Sex?
09:52No.
09:54Male.
09:56Occupation?
09:58Now, let me see. I suppose you could say
10:00I was self-employed.
10:02I'll put down
10:04of independent means.
10:06That always gets them going.
10:08Any military service?
10:10I was in the brigade.
10:12Guards?
10:14Boys.
10:16Held position of national importance?
10:18That sounds nice.
10:20Trouble with you, sir.
10:22Dear, how do you fancy a lady wrestler?
10:24It's a dance I'm going to,
10:26not a catchweight contest.
10:28You can have her for half price.
10:30I wouldn't have her at any price.
10:32Well, suit yourself.
10:34I am now going to show you my little Richard.
10:36Pardon?
10:38My computer.
10:40You've heard of Ernie.
10:42This is Richard.
10:44Random impulse computerized hotline
10:46and romantic date maker.
10:48Richard, it is a miracle
10:50of modern science and technological electronics.
10:52Have you got 10p?
10:54What for?
10:56To put in the meter.
10:58Won't work without 10p.
11:00There we are.
11:02Now, all your details are fed in here
11:06and are matched electronically
11:08with your ideal partner
11:10in there.
11:12There we are.
11:14Is that my ideal partner?
11:16Oh, yeah, number 54.
11:18This is for you.
11:20Blonde, very fond of animals.
11:22Thank you very much.
11:24Interests include dancing.
11:26I'll give her a ring,
11:28see if she's available.
11:30When would you like to meet her?
11:32Well, tonight, if she's got nothing on.
11:34Hello.
11:36Number 54.
11:38Data mate agency here.
11:40Data mate agency here.
11:42Here, have I got a fella for you.
11:44Very clean.
11:48Just a minute.
11:50How old are you?
11:5230.
11:5430-ish.
11:5630-ish.
11:58He'd like to meet you tonight.
12:008 o'clock?
12:02Oh, yes, thank you.
12:048 o'clock at Sam's Coffee House.
12:06It's my brother's place.
12:08Carry a copy of Tomorrow's Bride.
12:10His number?
12:1269.
12:1469?
12:16Oh, he sounds divine.
12:38Excuse me.
12:54Excuse me.
12:56Someone's sitting there.
12:58Who is it?
13:00The invisible man?
13:02I'm saving it for a lady.
13:04Well, what do you think I am, then?
13:06A Cocker Spaniel?
13:12Are you 54?
13:16You mind your own business!
13:22I'm 69.
13:26If you ask me, you're round the twist.
13:30You don't understand.
13:32I'm 69.
13:34Well, what do you want, then?
13:36A telegram from the Queen?
13:46Are you fond of animals?
13:50Are you trying to pick me up?
13:54Oh, yes, you are.
13:56I've read about people like you
13:58luring poor,
14:00innocent young women into bed.
14:04I wouldn't lure anybody into bed.
14:08You fancy me, don't you?
14:12No, no, I don't!
14:14Well, I fancy you!
14:16No, get off me!
14:18Get off me!
14:20There's people watching.
14:22All right, you don't know what you're missing.
14:24Be like that, then.
14:34APPLAUSE
14:44Hello, Dorothy.
14:46Hello.
14:48What are you doing here?
14:50Oh, nothing. What are you doing here?
14:52Oh, nothing, nothing.
14:54Would you like a cup of coffee?
14:56Oh, no, no, thank you.
14:58Well, as a matter of fact, I'm meeting somebody.
15:00Oh, good.
15:02An old flame of mine
15:04wants to take me to the dance.
15:06Oh, that's nice.
15:08Well, anyway, don't let me keep you.
15:10Oh, I'm in no hurry.
15:12As a matter of fact, I'm meeting someone here too.
15:14Oh.
15:16A young lady.
15:18I might take her to the dance.
15:20Oh, good.
15:22What's he like, this old flame?
15:24Oh, well, he's 30-ish.
15:26A man of independent means
15:29with a position of national importance.
15:34He's about 5 foot 7,
15:36fair hair and wearing a grey flannel suit.
15:38What?
15:4054. 69!
15:42Bingo!
15:46La-da-dee-dee-dee-dee
15:48La-da-da-da-da-da
15:52La-da-dee-dee-dee-dee
15:54La-dee-la-doo-dee-dee
15:56La-dee-la-doo-dee-dee
15:58And somehow you know
16:02You know even then
16:04The sound of her laughter
16:06will echo
16:08again
16:10Once you have found him
16:12never let him go
16:14Once you have found her
16:16never
16:18let her
16:20go
16:22That was good, wasn't it?
16:24Oh, you do look nice.
16:26Oh, thank you.
16:28So do you.
16:30Oh, do you think so?
16:32Shall I let you into a secret?
16:34Yes.
16:36I'm not wearing a bra.
16:38Oh, I'd never have known.
16:40Shall I let you into a secret?
16:42What?
16:44Neither am I.
16:48What time is it?
16:50What are you doing here?
16:52I only hope that agency knows what it's doing.
16:54So do I.
16:56At least they didn't charge us another fee.
16:58I should think not indeed for getting us fixed up with each other.
17:00What did he say yours was like?
17:02Two little ducks.
17:04Pardon?
17:06Two little ducks, 22, that's her number.
17:08She's blonde and French.
17:10Oh, that sounds nice.
17:12What's yours like?
17:14Number 40, wealthy bachelor.
17:16What else?
17:18Oh, what a lovely pair.
17:20You should have left your bra on.
17:24Oh, Miss Dorothy,
17:26I wish I was coming with you.
17:28I'd love to get you on the floor.
17:30Control yourself, Wilf.
17:32Well, anyway, Wilf, it wouldn't be right.
17:34I mean, what about my position?
17:36Oh, it's easy. Put your arm on my shoulder,
17:38put me hand round your waist and we're off.
17:40No, no, no, I mean socially.
17:42After all, I'm management.
17:44We're miles apart.
17:46Yeah, well, I suppose you're right.
17:48Well, I'll be on my way then.
17:50Oh.
17:52Oh.
17:56Have a nice time.
18:00Here, let's have a drink. I've opened a bottle of bubbly.
18:02Lovely.
18:04Here's to a wonderful evening with 22.
18:06And do you know what they say?
18:08Life begins at 40.
18:10That's him.
18:12Or her.
18:14You go first. I'm terrified.
18:16All right.
18:30Come in. Thank you.
18:34Hello.
18:40Hello.
18:4240.
18:44I'm delighted.
18:46Actually, the name's Stephen.
18:48Dorothy.
18:50Shall I...?
18:52You can do whatever you want.
18:56I hope I'm not late.
18:58Have you been waiting long?
19:00No, just all my life.
19:04This is my half-runner level, Stephen.
19:06Well, you lucky old thing.
19:08Are you with us?
19:10Just.
19:12That's for me, my date with destiny.
19:16May I offer you a cigarette?
19:18Yes, please.
19:28Are you all right?
19:30Sorry, I forgot.
19:32I don't smoke.
19:38Come in.
19:44Hello.
19:50I am...
19:52I am 22.
19:54Oh, two little ducks.
19:56What did you say?
19:58Never mind.
20:00I am Brigitte.
20:02What a beautiful name, Neville.
20:04How do you do it?
20:06I am sorry.
20:08I do not speak good English.
20:10Never mind about that.
20:12Don't you worry about a thing.
20:14I'm sure we'll understand each other perfectly.
20:16Walk this way.
20:22This is my sister, Dorothy.
20:24Pleased to meet you.
20:26The same to you.
20:28This is Stephen.
20:32Hello.
20:34Hello.
20:36Won't you sit down?
20:38We were just going.
20:40You're French?
20:42And you're English?
20:44Born and bred.
20:46I was born and bred too.
20:48Are you just visiting England?
20:50I love travelling.
20:52So do I.
20:54The world's my oyster.
20:56Perhaps I could show you around London.
20:58That would be very nice.
21:00I know London like the back of my hand.
21:02It doesn't look as though you'll be doing much tonight.
21:06I know a nice little Italian restaurant.
21:08Would you take me?
21:10Of course.
21:12Why can't you take me?
21:14Shall we go?
21:16Whatever you say.
21:18I'm sorry.
21:22You have made me so happy.
21:26Well, that's a nice turn up for the book, I must say.
21:28An evening ruined.
21:30He was such a lovely fellow.
21:32I know.
21:34What are we going to do?
21:36Now, if only Wilf hadn't gone,
21:38he could have taken me.
21:40I thought you'd never ask, Miss Dorothy.
21:42I'll go home and get changed.
21:44It's going to be Shangri-La.
21:46Oh, how marvellous.
21:48Well, that's all right then.
21:50This is all right for you.
21:52What about me?
21:54Why don't you ring the agency?
21:56They'll never be able to find me a partner at such short notice.
21:58You never know until you try.
22:00All right.
22:04Look, Mrs Keppelman,
22:06I know you've been in our books
22:08for a long time.
22:10It's not my fault.
22:14There's not a big demand for lady wrestlers.
22:18Honest, I'm doing my best.
22:20Hold the line.
22:22The other phone's ringing.
22:24Data mate at your service.
22:26Oh, hello. This is Neville Sutcliffe here.
22:28Look, I've told you,
22:30your fee is non-returnable.
22:32Never mind about the fee.
22:34My 22's gone up with my sister's 40.
22:36Have you got anybody else available?
22:38The dance is in half an hour.
22:40Half an hour?
22:42I can't find anyone suitable at such short note.
22:44Wait a minute, though.
22:46Perhaps I can help you.
22:48Leave it with me.
22:50Mrs Keppelman,
22:52it's your lucky night.
22:56Oh, hurry up, Wilf.
22:58I mean, how long does it take him
23:00to go home and change?
23:02We're going to miss the soup.
23:04Well, I made it.
23:06I'm glad you didn't make one for me.
23:08I'm sorry I'm a bit late,
23:10but I had a bit of a problem
23:12with me dickie.
23:14Couldn't get it to lie down.
23:18Well, you ought to do
23:20what I used to do, tie it down with a piece of string.
23:22Well,
23:24as this was a posture,
23:26I thought I'd use a safety pin.
23:28Well, I think we'd better go.
23:30Well, aren't you going to wait for me?
23:32Well, there's no sense in us all being late.
23:34That'll be my partner now.
23:42Come in, you lovely thing.
23:48It's you!
23:50It's you!
23:52It's my lucky night!
23:54It's been a terrible mistake!
23:56That's the right!
23:58Get away!
24:20Get away!
24:36Phew!
24:38Oh, she was a chain breaker, that one.
24:40Do you know, she chased me all over the house,
24:42round the garden, into the garage,
24:44and wedged me up against the wall.
24:46I couldn't get my mini out.
24:48Thanks ever so much for watching.
24:50We'll see you next week. Good night.
24:52God bless.