First broadcast 13th July 2007.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer
Liza Tarbuck
Alan Cumming
Susie Essman
Stewart Lee
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer
Liza Tarbuck
Alan Cumming
Susie Essman
Stewart Lee
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, block-busting X-Man, Alan Cummings, from Curb Your Enthusiasm,
00:27Susie Assman, and their team captain, Jason Manford.
00:34And facing them tonight, stand up for Stuart Lee, Diamond Lisa, Lisa Carver, and their team captain, Sean Locke.
00:46Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:53Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example, it takes 6,000 gallons of paint, 60 people, and four months to paint the Eiffel Tower?
01:06Why don't they just take a photo?
01:1050% of people have had sex in a car. I had sex in a hybrid once.
01:14I didn't know she was a hybrid until we got back to the hotel.
01:18Of course, by then, I'd paid.
01:21Scottish men are the biggest gamblers in the UK.
01:24Can my heart take another battered sausage? I'll chance it!
01:36The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. So, let's get on with the show.
01:48What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:51We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:56It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
02:00Sean's team, what do you think the nation have been discussing this week?
02:03I think it's got to be Big Brother.
02:05Big Brother? We're loving the Big Brother.
02:07I do watch Big Brother a lot.
02:08It's where they find these people, like Laura, who got voted off last week.
02:12The first thing she said when she got on there, she was like,
02:14Oh, back home, my friends, they call me Vicky Pollard.
02:17They're not friends, Laura.
02:20I was just going to ask you who your favourite is.
02:23I don't know about this mob.
02:25Are you not a fan of Brian? He's amazing.
02:27No, I think Brian should win.
02:29He's amazing. He thinks women don't defecate.
02:33The man thought that women don't defecate.
02:35He basically said, women don't shit.
02:38They do little droppings or something, but it's not sex.
02:40I find him really uplifting to watch.
02:42He's so excited about stuff.
02:44On his birthday, they said to him, we're going to give you the gift of knowledge.
02:47And he said, I don't want knowledge, I want cider.
02:57It's like reverse counselling.
02:59When I watch it with my girlfriend, like watching Chanel and Ziggy,
03:02the amount of times she's out of order and a bit bitchy and a bit whiny,
03:05and I sort of look at my girlfriend and go, that's you, that.
03:10And he's like the weirdest bloke, Ziggy.
03:12He's like a cross between Cliff Richard and Russell Crowe.
03:15He's got this weird thing in the diary room where he gets in and he sits like this.
03:18Yeah, I mean, like, ha-ha.
03:20He like throws a little...
03:22And he changed his name from Zack to Ziggy.
03:24Who does that?
03:26You've already got a stupid name. Change it to Phil or Steve, not Ziggy.
03:31I love it. I think it's brilliant.
03:33I absolutely think it's the best thing I've ever watched.
03:36I absolutely think... Brilliant.
03:38I absolutely think it's the best television I've ever, ever, ever, ever seen.
03:45And I particularly enjoyed Fake Week.
03:49Do you know what Fake Week is?
03:50Yeah, I've just been doing a bit.
03:59Well, let's have a look and see whether Big Brother
04:01is one of the most talked about things this week.
04:04Yes, it is.
04:06Ziggy has apparently slept with Abby Titmuss,
04:08which, as a claim to fame, is a bit like saying,
04:10I've had a coffee from Starbucks.
04:14Jason Steen, what have the nation been talking about this week?
04:16It's got to be Osama Bin Laden's son marrying that woman from Cheshire.
04:21Basically, this woman, Jane Sumner-Rubber,
04:23she's 50-ish. One.
04:25And 51, that's right.
04:28She's married this fella, who is that mentalist's lad.
04:32And they're going to move to Cheshire as well,
04:34which sounds brilliant, doesn't it?
04:36They're waiting for the visa so he can come from Saudi Arabia.
04:38And he's already married.
04:39I wonder if they're going to get the visa.
04:42I imagine the wait at the airport, even if they do get the visa,
04:44it's going to be significant.
04:47If he comes over and lives in Cheshire,
04:49he'd be a nightmare neighbour, wouldn't he?
04:51If that ball comes over here, I'll put a plane through it.
04:56It's just a really beautiful love story.
04:58I think we shouldn't mock it.
05:00Do you think they're going to remake Shirley Valentine?
05:03No, I think...
05:04This is a TV movie waiting to happen.
05:06It's going to be Jane Seymour and Jesse Metcalf playing those two.
05:09Mark my words.
05:10Jesse Metcalf playing Osama Bin Laden's son?
05:12Yes.
05:14He's very versatile.
05:16They've seen each other once in the past, like, 15 months or something.
05:19Yeah, but they spend loads of time on the phone plotting,
05:21sorry, planning the wedding.
05:24There's a chance that it may soften Bin Laden's feelings
05:28towards Western values.
05:30Yeah.
05:31And bring an end to this senseless conflict.
05:34Or make it worse.
05:37He's the ultimate embarrassing dad, isn't he?
05:40He says,
05:41I think the Twin Towers was bad, do you want to see them dance?
05:47That's all Northern Soul moves.
05:55It's not one of the top five most talked about things this week.
05:57Yes, this is the story that a British woman has married the son of Osama Bin Laden.
06:01Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blew up.
06:05When they first met, they knew there was a chemistry between them.
06:08It turns out it was a fertiliser bomb.
06:12Right, back over to you, Sean, Lisa and Stuart.
06:14What else have The Nation been talking about this week?
06:17Alistair Campbell's diaries.
06:18His physical diaries that he's released this week,
06:20which have caused a bit of a hoo-ha.
06:23You know what I noticed, because I was reading excerpts,
06:25that there's a lot of focus on Tony Blair and his underwear.
06:28It almost has like a homoerotic quality.
06:30Like I expected to read,
06:31Tony Blair shook his hair out
06:33and sweat glistened on his naked torso
06:36as he stood there in his underwear.
06:38You notice that?
06:39He went on a bit about Princess Diana, didn't he?
06:41How she really wanted to meet him
06:43when they went and had this surreptitious dinner in Hackney.
06:46They went to dinner in Hackney?
06:47Yeah, apparently so.
06:48Yeah, Starburger.
06:50She can be herself there.
06:51They had one of those big bendy sausages.
06:55I like the fact that Gordon Brown, they said,
06:57are you going to read them?
06:58He goes, no, I'm not going to read them
06:59because I'm too busy running the country.
07:01Like it's a train set, you know.
07:03I'm running, look, I'm driving the country, look, ooh.
07:06Beep, beep.
07:07Well, you know, at least you guys have somebody
07:09who pretends to run the country.
07:11We have somebody who pretends to run a train set.
07:15That's right.
07:20Why don't I look and see whether Alistair Campbell
07:22is one of the most talked about things this week?
07:26Yes, indeed it is.
07:27Yes, Alistair Campbell's diary's hit the shops this week.
07:30His book is said to be a bit like the Bridget Jones diary.
07:33Units of alcohol, three. Lies told, 412.
07:35War started, two.
07:39Alistair Campbell now devotes much of his time and energy
07:41to raising money for leukaemia research.
07:43Still, on balance, total c***.
07:47Jason, what else?
07:48Tour de France.
07:49What have they been saying?
07:50Has nobody noticed that it's the Tour de France
07:52but it started in England?
07:55Jesus.
07:57He's right, you know.
07:58He's been a terrible cocker.
08:01I saw this thing that said that the riders have to eat
08:0510,000 calories a day for the high bits.
08:09I'm on that diet now.
08:11I'm on the internet.
08:12How do you do that?
08:13If you're on a bike all the day, how do you get the time to...
08:15That's why they have those baguettes.
08:16Don't they?
08:17They have the...
08:19I was in southern France when the Tour de France was on once
08:22and people turn out in all the villages
08:24and get really excited and wave and everything.
08:26In London, the main thing seems to have been
08:28that it's disrupted Meals on Wheels.
08:30Yeah.
08:31You see, on a Saturday, the race, it disrupts us all this.
08:33Disrupted Meals on Wheels, thinking,
08:35they get fed on a Saturday as well?
08:37So we're feeding them Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
08:40Saturday, fend for yourself.
08:42We'll just put some old...
08:43You know, when you feed them on a Friday,
08:46a couple of extra buns down the chute.
08:50Of course, you lost your job as a carer, didn't you?
08:54Let's have a look and see if the Tour de France
08:56is one of the most talked about things this week.
08:58Yes, indeed it is.
09:00Fingers on buzzers.
09:01What else have the nation been talking about this week?
09:03Queen.
09:04Moody Queen.
09:05Moody Queen.
09:06She's having her photo taken.
09:08She stormed off.
09:09The BBC have actually now said she didn't storm out.
09:11I don't think she did.
09:12She swans off.
09:13She swans off.
09:15The BBC have apologised, saying events were misrepresented.
09:18She had a diamond and ermine crusted robe.
09:22It's heavy.
09:23And the woman said,
09:24can you take that off, I need something a bit less dressy.
09:26And the Queen went,
09:27less dressy?
09:28What do you think this is?
09:30I don't think she rolled her head like that.
09:33The Queen's a lot like Charlie in Big Brother, isn't she?
09:38She's not exactly a great dresser, the Queen, to begin with.
09:41Don't come here.
09:42Excuse me.
09:45We don't get the whole royalty thing in the States.
09:48Oh, you got what, Barbara Bush?
09:50I'm sorry.
09:52But she's not royalty.
09:53I don't have to walk my ass backwards to her.
09:56Well, I don't have to back into the Queen often.
10:00There was one time.
10:01I don't have to.
10:02I could walk up to Barbara Bush and say,
10:04your son's an idiot, your husband's an asshole,
10:07and you're a controlling b****.
10:09I could do all of that.
10:10I can't do that to the Queen.
10:11No, you can do that to the Queen.
10:13We will then behead you.
10:15280 million pounds a year she gets.
10:18Which is a lot of money.
10:19And I say, if you're taking pictures of her,
10:21you'll do what we say.
10:22All right?
10:23You're getting 280 million quid.
10:25If I want you naked with the baby like that,
10:27or scratching your ass in a tennis outfit,
10:29you'll do it, Elizabeth.
10:32Oh, wait a minute.
10:33When I say that, it's all like,
10:35let's all jump on the American.
10:37That's because she's my Queen, Susie.
10:40Right, right.
10:41It's like, my brother's a bit of a knobhead,
10:42but if you said it, I'd be like,
10:43that's my brother you're talking about.
10:46That's the rules.
10:47Although Bush is a twat.
10:50We don't know what she was asked to do by Annie Leibovitz.
10:53He may have been saying stuff like,
10:55could you just slip your top off, love?
10:57Or something like that.
10:59Well, you imagine she's trying to get the Queen to do that.
11:03Or like a flake, like that.
11:04First class.
11:10OK, well, let's have a look and see
11:12whether the Queen being in a huff
11:14is one of the most talked about things this week.
11:18Yes, this is the story that the Queen became grumpy
11:20at a photo shoot when photographer Annie Leibovitz
11:22asked her to remove her crown.
11:24The last time the Queen was photographed
11:26with a crown jewels on her head
11:28was when Philip had the camera hidden in the water.
11:34OK, we've got one more thing to get.
11:36Fingers on buzzers.
11:38I think it's got to be Live Earth, hasn't it?
11:40That pointless gig they did last week.
11:42And they kept going on about the standby button
11:44and then Genesis come on and standby button.
11:46And you just thought, if you shut up about saving energy,
11:49this gig would be over in half the time.
11:53Everyone's going, oh, look at this gig, right?
11:55It wasted loads and loads of energy, right?
11:57But all gigs waste energy.
11:58Like a Bon Jovi gig, waste energy.
12:00A West End musical, waste energy.
12:02But Live Earth was to save the planet.
12:04Absolutely.
12:05And it succeeded. We're still here.
12:09I am so sick and tired of hearing what celebrities think
12:13about politics and social issues.
12:16A lot of those celebrities that were in that,
12:18people are criticising them, they just did it for publicity,
12:21but they're all people that do a lot of secret charity work.
12:24Like David Baddiel, for example, did a bit.
12:26He sponsors an otter at London Zoo.
12:29Tirelessly as well. He sponsors it tirelessly.
12:33It was ruined by hearing you on the radio in the morning
12:37just saying, you'll always be in love with Diana.
12:40I did. I was at the thing and I got interviewed by Jonathan Ross.
12:43And they went, what's the day about?
12:44And I went, it's just important we remember Diana.
12:48The Diana thing, I think, did more for the environment.
12:50And essentially, that was a concert celebrating
12:52one less car on the road.
12:54APPLAUSE
12:57Who's out there for a bad environment?
12:59Who wants bad air?
13:00Which is out there for a bad environment?
13:02Well, but you're not out there saying,
13:04let's do a whole telethon for bad environment.
13:07You know what I mean?
13:09Crack open the back of your fridges, let's fuck this place up!
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14APPLAUSE
13:16Let's have a look and see what Alive Earth is up there.
13:19Yes, it is Alive Earth.
13:22Yes, it is the most disgusting this week.
13:24The Live Earth concert was held at Wembley last week.
13:27Live Earth was a huge success.
13:29No-one watched, so clearly the message of turning off your TV
13:31is getting through.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:35APPLAUSE
13:37Our next round is called Pick of the Polls.
13:39Our teams take it in turns to choose a picture
13:41and then have to answer a related statistical question.
13:43Sean, Lisa and Stuart, you're first.
13:45What do you want to go for?
13:47The Queen.
13:48OK, so you're going to go for the Queen there.
13:51This is a one-upmanship question.
13:53In a poll to find the historical figure
13:55Brits would most like to bring back to life,
13:57Elizabeth I came second. Who do you think came top?
13:59When you say bring back, do you mean, like, reanimate them?
14:02Dig them up and then get loads of scientists
14:04to sort of make some kind of animatronic version of them?
14:07Yeah, no, this is a question about corpse-robbing.
14:10Yes. That makes it a lot more interesting, then.
14:13I think, no, it's bringing them back to life
14:15as they were in their prime, let's say.
14:17Well, interestingly, how?
14:19Here, when I reveal the answer, I will tell you
14:21how to bring back your dead relatives that you miss so terribly
14:24back to life, all right? So stay fucking tuned.
14:28Is the historical figure supposed to take back their old job
14:32or are they given a kind of ceremonial role?
14:34That's too many questions!
14:36No, but you see what he means?
14:38He needs a reason for it, because if they said,
14:40well, for science, you might say Marie Curie.
14:43No, all right, it is purely for a laugh.
14:47Is it Tintin?
14:49He's a famous artist.
14:51Rolf Harris?
14:53Yes!
14:55He's not dead!
14:59He's not dead, but let's kill him and bring him back.
15:02Da Vinci?
15:04Da Vinci is it, yes.
15:07Yes, the historical figure Brits would most like to bring back to life
15:10is Leonardo da Vinci. If I could bring anyone back from the dead,
15:13I'd bring back Harry Potter.
15:15Sorry, that spoiled it.
15:19Jason, Susie and Alan, what do you want to go for?
15:21Bond. Let's go with Bond.
15:23All right, you've chosen Roger Moore. This is an audience poll question.
15:26It was announced this week that a new James Bond novel is to be published.
15:29We polled the studio audience and asked them,
15:31who would you call in an emergency, James Bond or Andy McNabb?
15:34The famous SAS nutter.
15:38If you start ringing fictional characters when you're in this shit,
15:41you are even further in the shit.
15:43Oh, my God, it's all right. Harry Potter will come. It'll be fine.
15:48I say Bond any day. I mean, Bond, he's James Bond.
15:52Alan, you were in Goldeneye, weren't you?
15:54Yeah, I was in Goldeneye. I was in a James Bond film.
15:56So you could technically ring him.
15:58I have his number.
15:59Let's ring him now for a laugh.
16:00I'm in trouble. I've not got Andy McNabb's number, so I have to ring you.
16:03Also, the fact that there's been several Bonds,
16:06there's a chance of any one of them showing up.
16:09You don't want one of the old ones.
16:12I'll help you. Fuck off, laser beam.
16:15The last thing you need in an emergency is a bleeding actor.
16:19How dare you?
16:20Leave it, guys, leave it.
16:22Come on, go.
16:23So what's the problem here?
16:26Well, that was sort of an impression of Roger Moore,
16:28who's not technically an actor.
16:31James Bond or Andy McNabb, who would they call in an emergency?
16:34James Bond.
16:35Right, 68% of the audience would call James Bond in an emergency.
16:38Of course, James Bond has a pen that turns into a gun.
16:41Andy McNabb has a pen that turns into a terrible book.
16:45So at the end of that round, Sean, Lisa and Stuart have three points,
16:48Jason, Susie and Alan have four points.
16:53Join me after the break when we'll be finding out
16:55the most romantic thing men do for their wives.
16:57APPLAUSE
17:06Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
17:08The next round is Believe It Or Not.
17:10In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
17:12All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
17:14Let's have a look first at a clip to illustrate the statistic.
17:17Dictating is central to Barbara Cartland's routine.
17:20As he came in, seeming to fill the whole place,
17:24because he was so handsome, so different to any other man.
17:27She knew from the vibrations that came from him towards her
17:30that this was something very, very different, so different.
17:34It was a night with a candlelight dinner
17:37and the food she'd chosen with so much care.
17:40Something wonderful was going to happen.
17:42And she was quite certain he was going to say,
17:45which she'd longed for so long to hear,
17:48I love you.
17:50How many words?
17:522,200.
17:54Good. Come on, boys. Walkies.
17:58That's Barbara Cartland there,
18:00writing her novel An Orifice And A Gentle Bum.
18:03I think it's Alastair Campbell in drag.
18:07Here is your related statistic.
18:0943% of men cite making a cup of tea
18:11as the most romantic thing they do for their wives.
18:14True or false?
18:16I think it's true. I think men are simple and women are complex.
18:20We love you guys, but we love you in a patronising way,
18:23like how you love a village idiot, you know?
18:25Can I stop you? Yes. It's patronising.
18:32I do notice here, the way you've put speech marks around,
18:35like, making a cup of tea, like, that's not romantic.
18:38That is quite a romantic thing to do.
18:40Love them, they love it, don't they?
18:42Yeah, I can't get enough tea.
18:44Whether it's romantic or not depends on how the tea is served.
18:48If the tea is cold and is spat directly into the woman's mouth,
18:53that is not romantic.
18:55I don't know. That's sexy. It could be hard.
18:58Or you just give them a cup of tea and, like, put a ring in it, right?
19:02And then they drink it, like that, they get to the end and go,
19:05oh, what's that? And they start choking,
19:07and you give them the Heimlich manoeuvre,
19:09like that, and the ring comes out, you've saved their life,
19:12and you go, will you marry me?
19:15How romantic is that?
19:17You've saved their life, made them a cup of tea,
19:19and proposed to them, and probably broken a rib.
19:22I proposed to my girlfriend and did the whole thing, you know,
19:25on one knee and all that palaver.
19:27When I rang me mum, the first thing she said was,
19:30is she pregnant?
19:32Is she pregnant? Yes, she is, yeah.
19:34Why do you think I'm marrying her?
19:37Lisa, what do you think is romantic?
19:39I don't know. I want someone to be quite practical.
19:43Women like a practical marriage.
19:45There's nothing my partner likes better than we both drive out
19:48and we go to Digger World,
19:50and she watches me on a digger being, like, moving earth, like that.
19:54Oh, I'm digging this one for you, baby.
19:57And they say romance isn't dead.
19:59Romance is dead, men killed it and made women clean it up.
20:0643% of men cite making a cup of tea as the most romantic thing
20:09they do for their wives, true or false?
20:11True. Jason? Maybe we should go with that.
20:13Do you reckon true? I think it's true.
20:15I think it's a sad state of affairs if it is true.
20:17I'm going to overrule you both and say false.
20:21I can tell you it is true.
20:25Yes, 43% of men say the most romantic thing they've ever done
20:28for their wives is make them a cup of tea.
20:30I would make my girlfriend a cup of tea, but I don't know the recipe.
20:33So, at the end of that round, Sean's team have four points,
20:36Jason's team have four points. It's all level. Exciting.
20:39And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:42Here is your first one. Men's dream job.
20:45Blowjob.
20:53It's not what I've got on the card. Obviously, it's right.
20:57I think it's superhero and I think it's the stupidest thing in the world
21:00to want because it ain't never going to happen.
21:03You say that. X-Men 2.
21:05We've got an X-Man on our team.
21:07What were your special powers again?
21:09I teleport. You teleport. Brilliant.
21:11You tried to kill the President. I did, I tried to kill the President.
21:14You should have done that in real life. I fucking should have.
21:17In fact, I do that because the FBI will be after me now.
21:20If you say, I want to kill the President,
21:22the FBI automatically have to come and get you.
21:24Hang on, that sounds like the best security for my house you can buy.
21:27I want to kill the President.
21:29That'll stop kids breaking in, an FBI car outside.
21:33They don't come and stay.
21:36They take you away.
21:38Oh, that's rubbish.
21:40I reckon I've got the perfect men's job.
21:43I'm a lap dance critic for The Times.
21:45I've read those pieces, they're very good, they're informative.
21:48I was at Cheeky's in Brighton and I was very impressed with Candy.
21:52There you go. You're an excellent show.
21:55It's cowboy builder because that's like two wicked jobs in one.
21:58Yee-haw! I'll have six sugars.
22:02Racing driver. Exactly the right answer.
22:08Most desirable location for a holiday home.
22:11Well, I know Alistair Campbell's using his diary money
22:14to build a villa up his own arse.
22:17I know this, I know this. Germany. What?
22:20Germany. Everyone wants to live in Germany.
22:22It's beautiful, it's got the beaches, it's got the weather.
22:25The beaches, the weather.
22:27Yeah, it's got one beach, just outside Hamburg.
22:29It's not really a beach, it's more of a sort of port.
22:32If you get down off one of the docks, there's a bit of shingle.
22:35OK, you should be a travel agent.
22:37Is it Disneyland?
22:39Cos, like, you can live with all the characters and stuff, like, next door.
22:42Morning, Mickey. Morning! I'll just be going.
22:45Where would you like to?
22:47Any place where my mother wouldn't visit.
22:49So, here.
22:51Will she not visit here? She doesn't travel.
22:53You can go anywhere, then, can't you?
22:56I think New Zealand.
22:58New Zealand, you're very close. New Zealand was second.
23:00Australia. Australia is it, yeah.
23:05Yes, Australia is a great place to buy a holiday home.
23:07You can go there for the weekend,
23:09spend six minutes in the airport cafe,
23:11then fly back refreshed and ready for Wednesday.
23:15Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round
23:17and the end of the show, which means the final scores are...
23:19Sean, Lisa and Stuart have five points,
23:21Jason, Susie and Alan have five points,
23:23it's a dead heat.
23:27Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:29and for all of you for watching at home, that's it from us.
23:31Goodnight.
23:53Next.