• 2 months ago
First broadcast 13th July 2007.

Jimmy Carr

Sean Lock
Jason Manford
John Pohlhammer

Liza Tarbuck
Alan Cumming
Susie Essman
Stewart Lee

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, block-busting X-Man, Alan Cummings, from Curb Your Enthusiasm,
00:27Susie Assman, and their team captain, Jason Manford.
00:34And facing them tonight, stand up for Stuart Lee, Diamond Lisa, Lisa Carver, and their team captain, Sean Locke.
00:46Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:53Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys, and statistics.
01:00Did you know, for example, it takes 6,000 gallons of paint, 60 people, and four months to paint the Eiffel Tower?
01:06Why don't they just take a photo?
01:1050% of people have had sex in a car. I had sex in a hybrid once.
01:14I didn't know she was a hybrid until we got back to the hotel.
01:18Of course, by then, I'd paid.
01:21Scottish men are the biggest gamblers in the UK.
01:24Can my heart take another battered sausage? I'll chance it!
01:36The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. So, let's get on with the show.
01:48What are you talking about? That's the name of our first round.
01:51We've teamed up with a leading polling organisation, and they've asked the British nation what stories they've been discussing this week.
01:56It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most popular talking points.
02:00Sean's team, what do you think the nation have been discussing this week?
02:03I think it's got to be Big Brother.
02:05Big Brother? We're loving the Big Brother.
02:07I do watch Big Brother a lot.
02:08It's where they find these people, like Laura, who got voted off last week.
02:12The first thing she said when she got on there, she was like,
02:14Oh, back home, my friends, they call me Vicky Pollard.
02:17They're not friends, Laura.
02:20I was just going to ask you who your favourite is.
02:23I don't know about this mob.
02:25Are you not a fan of Brian? He's amazing.
02:27No, I think Brian should win.
02:29He's amazing. He thinks women don't defecate.
02:33The man thought that women don't defecate.
02:35He basically said, women don't shit.
02:38They do little droppings or something, but it's not sex.
02:40I find him really uplifting to watch.
02:42He's so excited about stuff.
02:44On his birthday, they said to him, we're going to give you the gift of knowledge.
02:47And he said, I don't want knowledge, I want cider.
02:57It's like reverse counselling.
02:59When I watch it with my girlfriend, like watching Chanel and Ziggy,
03:02the amount of times she's out of order and a bit bitchy and a bit whiny,
03:05and I sort of look at my girlfriend and go, that's you, that.
03:10And he's like the weirdest bloke, Ziggy.
03:12He's like a cross between Cliff Richard and Russell Crowe.
03:15He's got this weird thing in the diary room where he gets in and he sits like this.
03:18Yeah, I mean, like, ha-ha.
03:20He like throws a little...
03:22And he changed his name from Zack to Ziggy.
03:24Who does that?
03:26You've already got a stupid name. Change it to Phil or Steve, not Ziggy.
03:31I love it. I think it's brilliant.
03:33I absolutely think it's the best thing I've ever watched.
03:36I absolutely think... Brilliant.
03:38I absolutely think it's the best television I've ever, ever, ever, ever seen.
03:45And I particularly enjoyed Fake Week.
03:49Do you know what Fake Week is?
03:50Yeah, I've just been doing a bit.
03:59Well, let's have a look and see whether Big Brother
04:01is one of the most talked about things this week.
04:04Yes, it is.
04:06Ziggy has apparently slept with Abby Titmuss,
04:08which, as a claim to fame, is a bit like saying,
04:10I've had a coffee from Starbucks.
04:14Jason Steen, what have the nation been talking about this week?
04:16It's got to be Osama Bin Laden's son marrying that woman from Cheshire.
04:21Basically, this woman, Jane Sumner-Rubber,
04:23she's 50-ish. One.
04:25And 51, that's right.
04:28She's married this fella, who is that mentalist's lad.
04:32And they're going to move to Cheshire as well,
04:34which sounds brilliant, doesn't it?
04:36They're waiting for the visa so he can come from Saudi Arabia.
04:38And he's already married.
04:39I wonder if they're going to get the visa.
04:42I imagine the wait at the airport, even if they do get the visa,
04:44it's going to be significant.
04:47If he comes over and lives in Cheshire,
04:49he'd be a nightmare neighbour, wouldn't he?
04:51If that ball comes over here, I'll put a plane through it.
04:56It's just a really beautiful love story.
04:58I think we shouldn't mock it.
05:00Do you think they're going to remake Shirley Valentine?
05:03No, I think...
05:04This is a TV movie waiting to happen.
05:06It's going to be Jane Seymour and Jesse Metcalf playing those two.
05:09Mark my words.
05:10Jesse Metcalf playing Osama Bin Laden's son?
05:12Yes.
05:14He's very versatile.
05:16They've seen each other once in the past, like, 15 months or something.
05:19Yeah, but they spend loads of time on the phone plotting,
05:21sorry, planning the wedding.
05:24There's a chance that it may soften Bin Laden's feelings
05:28towards Western values.
05:30Yeah.
05:31And bring an end to this senseless conflict.
05:34Or make it worse.
05:37He's the ultimate embarrassing dad, isn't he?
05:40He says,
05:41I think the Twin Towers was bad, do you want to see them dance?
05:47That's all Northern Soul moves.
05:55It's not one of the top five most talked about things this week.
05:57Yes, this is the story that a British woman has married the son of Osama Bin Laden.
06:01Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blew up.
06:05When they first met, they knew there was a chemistry between them.
06:08It turns out it was a fertiliser bomb.
06:12Right, back over to you, Sean, Lisa and Stuart.
06:14What else have The Nation been talking about this week?
06:17Alistair Campbell's diaries.
06:18His physical diaries that he's released this week,
06:20which have caused a bit of a hoo-ha.
06:23You know what I noticed, because I was reading excerpts,
06:25that there's a lot of focus on Tony Blair and his underwear.
06:28It almost has like a homoerotic quality.
06:30Like I expected to read,
06:31Tony Blair shook his hair out
06:33and sweat glistened on his naked torso
06:36as he stood there in his underwear.
06:38You notice that?
06:39He went on a bit about Princess Diana, didn't he?
06:41How she really wanted to meet him
06:43when they went and had this surreptitious dinner in Hackney.
06:46They went to dinner in Hackney?
06:47Yeah, apparently so.
06:48Yeah, Starburger.
06:50She can be herself there.
06:51They had one of those big bendy sausages.
06:55I like the fact that Gordon Brown, they said,
06:57are you going to read them?
06:58He goes, no, I'm not going to read them
06:59because I'm too busy running the country.
07:01Like it's a train set, you know.
07:03I'm running, look, I'm driving the country, look, ooh.
07:06Beep, beep.
07:07Well, you know, at least you guys have somebody
07:09who pretends to run the country.
07:11We have somebody who pretends to run a train set.
07:15That's right.
07:20Why don't I look and see whether Alistair Campbell
07:22is one of the most talked about things this week?
07:26Yes, indeed it is.
07:27Yes, Alistair Campbell's diary's hit the shops this week.
07:30His book is said to be a bit like the Bridget Jones diary.
07:33Units of alcohol, three. Lies told, 412.
07:35War started, two.
07:39Alistair Campbell now devotes much of his time and energy
07:41to raising money for leukaemia research.
07:43Still, on balance, total c***.
07:47Jason, what else?
07:48Tour de France.
07:49What have they been saying?
07:50Has nobody noticed that it's the Tour de France
07:52but it started in England?
07:55Jesus.
07:57He's right, you know.
07:58He's been a terrible cocker.
08:01I saw this thing that said that the riders have to eat
08:0510,000 calories a day for the high bits.
08:09I'm on that diet now.
08:11I'm on the internet.
08:12How do you do that?
08:13If you're on a bike all the day, how do you get the time to...
08:15That's why they have those baguettes.
08:16Don't they?
08:17They have the...
08:19I was in southern France when the Tour de France was on once
08:22and people turn out in all the villages
08:24and get really excited and wave and everything.
08:26In London, the main thing seems to have been
08:28that it's disrupted Meals on Wheels.
08:30Yeah.
08:31You see, on a Saturday, the race, it disrupts us all this.
08:33Disrupted Meals on Wheels, thinking,
08:35they get fed on a Saturday as well?
08:37So we're feeding them Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
08:40Saturday, fend for yourself.
08:42We'll just put some old...
08:43You know, when you feed them on a Friday,
08:46a couple of extra buns down the chute.
08:50Of course, you lost your job as a carer, didn't you?
08:54Let's have a look and see if the Tour de France
08:56is one of the most talked about things this week.
08:58Yes, indeed it is.
09:00Fingers on buzzers.
09:01What else have the nation been talking about this week?
09:03Queen.
09:04Moody Queen.
09:05Moody Queen.
09:06She's having her photo taken.
09:08She stormed off.
09:09The BBC have actually now said she didn't storm out.
09:11I don't think she did.
09:12She swans off.
09:13She swans off.
09:15The BBC have apologised, saying events were misrepresented.
09:18She had a diamond and ermine crusted robe.
09:22It's heavy.
09:23And the woman said,
09:24can you take that off, I need something a bit less dressy.
09:26And the Queen went,
09:27less dressy?
09:28What do you think this is?
09:30I don't think she rolled her head like that.
09:33The Queen's a lot like Charlie in Big Brother, isn't she?
09:38She's not exactly a great dresser, the Queen, to begin with.
09:41Don't come here.
09:42Excuse me.
09:45We don't get the whole royalty thing in the States.
09:48Oh, you got what, Barbara Bush?
09:50I'm sorry.
09:52But she's not royalty.
09:53I don't have to walk my ass backwards to her.
09:56Well, I don't have to back into the Queen often.
10:00There was one time.
10:01I don't have to.
10:02I could walk up to Barbara Bush and say,
10:04your son's an idiot, your husband's an asshole,
10:07and you're a controlling b****.
10:09I could do all of that.
10:10I can't do that to the Queen.
10:11No, you can do that to the Queen.
10:13We will then behead you.
10:15280 million pounds a year she gets.
10:18Which is a lot of money.
10:19And I say, if you're taking pictures of her,
10:21you'll do what we say.
10:22All right?
10:23You're getting 280 million quid.
10:25If I want you naked with the baby like that,
10:27or scratching your ass in a tennis outfit,
10:29you'll do it, Elizabeth.
10:32Oh, wait a minute.
10:33When I say that, it's all like,
10:35let's all jump on the American.
10:37That's because she's my Queen, Susie.
10:40Right, right.
10:41It's like, my brother's a bit of a knobhead,
10:42but if you said it, I'd be like,
10:43that's my brother you're talking about.
10:46That's the rules.
10:47Although Bush is a twat.
10:50We don't know what she was asked to do by Annie Leibovitz.
10:53He may have been saying stuff like,
10:55could you just slip your top off, love?
10:57Or something like that.
10:59Well, you imagine she's trying to get the Queen to do that.
11:03Or like a flake, like that.
11:04First class.
11:10OK, well, let's have a look and see
11:12whether the Queen being in a huff
11:14is one of the most talked about things this week.
11:18Yes, this is the story that the Queen became grumpy
11:20at a photo shoot when photographer Annie Leibovitz
11:22asked her to remove her crown.
11:24The last time the Queen was photographed
11:26with a crown jewels on her head
11:28was when Philip had the camera hidden in the water.
11:34OK, we've got one more thing to get.
11:36Fingers on buzzers.
11:38I think it's got to be Live Earth, hasn't it?
11:40That pointless gig they did last week.
11:42And they kept going on about the standby button
11:44and then Genesis come on and standby button.
11:46And you just thought, if you shut up about saving energy,
11:49this gig would be over in half the time.
11:53Everyone's going, oh, look at this gig, right?
11:55It wasted loads and loads of energy, right?
11:57But all gigs waste energy.
11:58Like a Bon Jovi gig, waste energy.
12:00A West End musical, waste energy.
12:02But Live Earth was to save the planet.
12:04Absolutely.
12:05And it succeeded. We're still here.
12:09I am so sick and tired of hearing what celebrities think
12:13about politics and social issues.
12:16A lot of those celebrities that were in that,
12:18people are criticising them, they just did it for publicity,
12:21but they're all people that do a lot of secret charity work.
12:24Like David Baddiel, for example, did a bit.
12:26He sponsors an otter at London Zoo.
12:29Tirelessly as well. He sponsors it tirelessly.
12:33It was ruined by hearing you on the radio in the morning
12:37just saying, you'll always be in love with Diana.
12:40I did. I was at the thing and I got interviewed by Jonathan Ross.
12:43And they went, what's the day about?
12:44And I went, it's just important we remember Diana.
12:48The Diana thing, I think, did more for the environment.
12:50And essentially, that was a concert celebrating
12:52one less car on the road.
12:54APPLAUSE
12:57Who's out there for a bad environment?
12:59Who wants bad air?
13:00Which is out there for a bad environment?
13:02Well, but you're not out there saying,
13:04let's do a whole telethon for bad environment.
13:07You know what I mean?
13:09Crack open the back of your fridges, let's fuck this place up!
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14APPLAUSE
13:16Let's have a look and see what Alive Earth is up there.
13:19Yes, it is Alive Earth.
13:22Yes, it is the most disgusting this week.
13:24The Live Earth concert was held at Wembley last week.
13:27Live Earth was a huge success.
13:29No-one watched, so clearly the message of turning off your TV
13:31is getting through.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:35APPLAUSE
13:37Our next round is called Pick of the Polls.
13:39Our teams take it in turns to choose a picture
13:41and then have to answer a related statistical question.
13:43Sean, Lisa and Stuart, you're first.
13:45What do you want to go for?
13:47The Queen.
13:48OK, so you're going to go for the Queen there.
13:51This is a one-upmanship question.
13:53In a poll to find the historical figure
13:55Brits would most like to bring back to life,
13:57Elizabeth I came second. Who do you think came top?
13:59When you say bring back, do you mean, like, reanimate them?
14:02Dig them up and then get loads of scientists
14:04to sort of make some kind of animatronic version of them?
14:07Yeah, no, this is a question about corpse-robbing.
14:10Yes. That makes it a lot more interesting, then.
14:13I think, no, it's bringing them back to life
14:15as they were in their prime, let's say.
14:17Well, interestingly, how?
14:19Here, when I reveal the answer, I will tell you
14:21how to bring back your dead relatives that you miss so terribly
14:24back to life, all right? So stay fucking tuned.
14:28Is the historical figure supposed to take back their old job
14:32or are they given a kind of ceremonial role?
14:34That's too many questions!
14:36No, but you see what he means?
14:38He needs a reason for it, because if they said,
14:40well, for science, you might say Marie Curie.
14:43No, all right, it is purely for a laugh.
14:47Is it Tintin?
14:49He's a famous artist.
14:51Rolf Harris?
14:53Yes!
14:55He's not dead!
14:59He's not dead, but let's kill him and bring him back.
15:02Da Vinci?
15:04Da Vinci is it, yes.
15:07Yes, the historical figure Brits would most like to bring back to life
15:10is Leonardo da Vinci. If I could bring anyone back from the dead,
15:13I'd bring back Harry Potter.
15:15Sorry, that spoiled it.
15:19Jason, Susie and Alan, what do you want to go for?
15:21Bond. Let's go with Bond.
15:23All right, you've chosen Roger Moore. This is an audience poll question.
15:26It was announced this week that a new James Bond novel is to be published.
15:29We polled the studio audience and asked them,
15:31who would you call in an emergency, James Bond or Andy McNabb?
15:34The famous SAS nutter.
15:38If you start ringing fictional characters when you're in this shit,
15:41you are even further in the shit.
15:43Oh, my God, it's all right. Harry Potter will come. It'll be fine.
15:48I say Bond any day. I mean, Bond, he's James Bond.
15:52Alan, you were in Goldeneye, weren't you?
15:54Yeah, I was in Goldeneye. I was in a James Bond film.
15:56So you could technically ring him.
15:58I have his number.
15:59Let's ring him now for a laugh.
16:00I'm in trouble. I've not got Andy McNabb's number, so I have to ring you.
16:03Also, the fact that there's been several Bonds,
16:06there's a chance of any one of them showing up.
16:09You don't want one of the old ones.
16:12I'll help you. Fuck off, laser beam.
16:15The last thing you need in an emergency is a bleeding actor.
16:19How dare you?
16:20Leave it, guys, leave it.
16:22Come on, go.
16:23So what's the problem here?
16:26Well, that was sort of an impression of Roger Moore,
16:28who's not technically an actor.
16:31James Bond or Andy McNabb, who would they call in an emergency?
16:34James Bond.
16:35Right, 68% of the audience would call James Bond in an emergency.
16:38Of course, James Bond has a pen that turns into a gun.
16:41Andy McNabb has a pen that turns into a terrible book.
16:45So at the end of that round, Sean, Lisa and Stuart have three points,
16:48Jason, Susie and Alan have four points.
16:53Join me after the break when we'll be finding out
16:55the most romantic thing men do for their wives.
16:57APPLAUSE
17:06Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
17:08The next round is Believe It Or Not.
17:10In this round, I give the panellists a simple statement.
17:12All they have to do is decide whether they think it's true or false.
17:14Let's have a look first at a clip to illustrate the statistic.
17:17Dictating is central to Barbara Cartland's routine.
17:20As he came in, seeming to fill the whole place,
17:24because he was so handsome, so different to any other man.
17:27She knew from the vibrations that came from him towards her
17:30that this was something very, very different, so different.
17:34It was a night with a candlelight dinner
17:37and the food she'd chosen with so much care.
17:40Something wonderful was going to happen.
17:42And she was quite certain he was going to say,
17:45which she'd longed for so long to hear,
17:48I love you.
17:50How many words?
17:522,200.
17:54Good. Come on, boys. Walkies.
17:58That's Barbara Cartland there,
18:00writing her novel An Orifice And A Gentle Bum.
18:03I think it's Alastair Campbell in drag.
18:07Here is your related statistic.
18:0943% of men cite making a cup of tea
18:11as the most romantic thing they do for their wives.
18:14True or false?
18:16I think it's true. I think men are simple and women are complex.
18:20We love you guys, but we love you in a patronising way,
18:23like how you love a village idiot, you know?
18:25Can I stop you? Yes. It's patronising.
18:32I do notice here, the way you've put speech marks around,
18:35like, making a cup of tea, like, that's not romantic.
18:38That is quite a romantic thing to do.
18:40Love them, they love it, don't they?
18:42Yeah, I can't get enough tea.
18:44Whether it's romantic or not depends on how the tea is served.
18:48If the tea is cold and is spat directly into the woman's mouth,
18:53that is not romantic.
18:55I don't know. That's sexy. It could be hard.
18:58Or you just give them a cup of tea and, like, put a ring in it, right?
19:02And then they drink it, like that, they get to the end and go,
19:05oh, what's that? And they start choking,
19:07and you give them the Heimlich manoeuvre,
19:09like that, and the ring comes out, you've saved their life,
19:12and you go, will you marry me?
19:15How romantic is that?
19:17You've saved their life, made them a cup of tea,
19:19and proposed to them, and probably broken a rib.
19:22I proposed to my girlfriend and did the whole thing, you know,
19:25on one knee and all that palaver.
19:27When I rang me mum, the first thing she said was,
19:30is she pregnant?
19:32Is she pregnant? Yes, she is, yeah.
19:34Why do you think I'm marrying her?
19:37Lisa, what do you think is romantic?
19:39I don't know. I want someone to be quite practical.
19:43Women like a practical marriage.
19:45There's nothing my partner likes better than we both drive out
19:48and we go to Digger World,
19:50and she watches me on a digger being, like, moving earth, like that.
19:54Oh, I'm digging this one for you, baby.
19:57And they say romance isn't dead.
19:59Romance is dead, men killed it and made women clean it up.
20:0643% of men cite making a cup of tea as the most romantic thing
20:09they do for their wives, true or false?
20:11True. Jason? Maybe we should go with that.
20:13Do you reckon true? I think it's true.
20:15I think it's a sad state of affairs if it is true.
20:17I'm going to overrule you both and say false.
20:21I can tell you it is true.
20:25Yes, 43% of men say the most romantic thing they've ever done
20:28for their wives is make them a cup of tea.
20:30I would make my girlfriend a cup of tea, but I don't know the recipe.
20:33So, at the end of that round, Sean's team have four points,
20:36Jason's team have four points. It's all level. Exciting.
20:39And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
20:42Here is your first one. Men's dream job.
20:45Blowjob.
20:53It's not what I've got on the card. Obviously, it's right.
20:57I think it's superhero and I think it's the stupidest thing in the world
21:00to want because it ain't never going to happen.
21:03You say that. X-Men 2.
21:05We've got an X-Man on our team.
21:07What were your special powers again?
21:09I teleport. You teleport. Brilliant.
21:11You tried to kill the President. I did, I tried to kill the President.
21:14You should have done that in real life. I fucking should have.
21:17In fact, I do that because the FBI will be after me now.
21:20If you say, I want to kill the President,
21:22the FBI automatically have to come and get you.
21:24Hang on, that sounds like the best security for my house you can buy.
21:27I want to kill the President.
21:29That'll stop kids breaking in, an FBI car outside.
21:33They don't come and stay.
21:36They take you away.
21:38Oh, that's rubbish.
21:40I reckon I've got the perfect men's job.
21:43I'm a lap dance critic for The Times.
21:45I've read those pieces, they're very good, they're informative.
21:48I was at Cheeky's in Brighton and I was very impressed with Candy.
21:52There you go. You're an excellent show.
21:55It's cowboy builder because that's like two wicked jobs in one.
21:58Yee-haw! I'll have six sugars.
22:02Racing driver. Exactly the right answer.
22:08Most desirable location for a holiday home.
22:11Well, I know Alistair Campbell's using his diary money
22:14to build a villa up his own arse.
22:17I know this, I know this. Germany. What?
22:20Germany. Everyone wants to live in Germany.
22:22It's beautiful, it's got the beaches, it's got the weather.
22:25The beaches, the weather.
22:27Yeah, it's got one beach, just outside Hamburg.
22:29It's not really a beach, it's more of a sort of port.
22:32If you get down off one of the docks, there's a bit of shingle.
22:35OK, you should be a travel agent.
22:37Is it Disneyland?
22:39Cos, like, you can live with all the characters and stuff, like, next door.
22:42Morning, Mickey. Morning! I'll just be going.
22:45Where would you like to?
22:47Any place where my mother wouldn't visit.
22:49So, here.
22:51Will she not visit here? She doesn't travel.
22:53You can go anywhere, then, can't you?
22:56I think New Zealand.
22:58New Zealand, you're very close. New Zealand was second.
23:00Australia. Australia is it, yeah.
23:05Yes, Australia is a great place to buy a holiday home.
23:07You can go there for the weekend,
23:09spend six minutes in the airport cafe,
23:11then fly back refreshed and ready for Wednesday.
23:15Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round
23:17and the end of the show, which means the final scores are...
23:19Sean, Lisa and Stuart have five points,
23:21Jason, Susie and Alan have five points,
23:23it's a dead heat.
23:27Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
23:29and for all of you for watching at home, that's it from us.
23:31Goodnight.
23:53Next.