First broadcast 8th July 2005.
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Alan Carr
Frankie Boyle
Iain Lee
Rob Rouse
Jimmy Carr
Sean Lock
Dave Spikey
John Pohlhammer
Alan Carr
Frankie Boyle
Iain Lee
Rob Rouse
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00Tonight, on 8 Out of 10 Cats, direct from Glasgow, Frankie Boyle!
00:28Funny Man, Alan Carr!
00:31And their captain, Dave Spikey!
00:35And facing them tonight, from the Friday Night Project, Rob Rouse!
00:40Lovable skimp, Ian Lee!
00:43And their captain, John Locke!
00:47Now, go crazy for your host, Jimmy Carr!
00:54Good evening and welcome to 8 Out of 10 Cats, a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
01:01Did you know, for example, 1 in 20 people think that Conan the Barbarian is a real character?
01:07Does Professor Dumbledore not teach them anything?
01:101 in 10 women in the UK has a sexually transmitted disease.
01:14I like those odds.
01:17And 1 in 5 drivers don't understand road signs.
01:21This means you've cut me up.
01:24Let's get started.
01:33We're kicking off with the what's the poll round.
01:35I'm going to show you 5 people who were all popular answers on the same poll.
01:39All our panellists have to do is tell me what's the poll, OK?
01:42Here is your first clip.
01:47I don't want her to be emotional.
01:50But it's one of the greatest moments in my life.
01:55That was very much the high point of Nelson Mandela's career there, meeting the Spice Girls.
01:59What poll do you think Nelson Mandela might have appeared on?
02:02Is it people who still don't see the funny side of the short porridge?
02:09Sadly, no.
02:11Is it people who've never appeared on Through the Keyhole?
02:16Sorry, is it people who've inspired classic wrestling moves?
02:20Is it a poll of people you can't really take the piss out of?
02:25He's got a funny voice, though. We can laugh at that, can't we?
02:28You can, but if you've got any dignity or self-respect, you wouldn't.
02:31He's got a funny voice, though, hasn't he?
02:33Is it people who used to have the first name Free?
02:39Is it people whose names are rhyming slang for drinks?
02:45LAUGHTER
02:47Nelson Mandela, Pint of Stella.
02:49Isn't it quicker to just say Pint of Stella?
02:51I thought you said Nelson Mandela, the bloke to serve someone else, isn't he?
02:55Is it people, if they had extensions, they'd look like a really old Beyoncé?
03:03Yeah, yeah, it is.
03:05At one point.
03:07OK, let's have a look at the next person.
03:10Jesus loves us.
03:15I can feel it in the soles of my feet, flowing up through my spine, into my heart,
03:20all through my veins, surging through my blood.
03:24The love of Jesus is quivering at my fingertips like electricity.
03:28Who will share it with me?
03:30Who wants to feel the love of Jesus?
03:33Yes. Yes.
03:36Yes.
03:38Yes.
03:40Hugh Grant there, playing a Scottish evangelist in A Very Peculiar Practice from 1986.
03:45So, Nelson Mandela and Hugh Grant, what have they got in common?
03:48Is it a pool of people who've met Geri Halliwell but had no idea who she was?
03:54Is it famous BMW drivers?
03:57Because I know Nelson, he bought one because he wanted the extra legroom,
04:01and you got one for the extra headroom.
04:04Has Hugh Grant got a lot of community centres named after him?
04:08Possibly.
04:10Is that a possibility? Am I close?
04:13I mean, we're working here, you're not even helping us.
04:16You're kind of... We've touched along the right lines, but I'll show you someone else.
04:20Hello.
04:22Hello, Moira.
04:23Hello.
04:24Well done.
04:25Thank you.
04:26I expect you like to be on your homeward journey now.
04:28It's right through here.
04:29Thank you.
04:30And I think it's time for us to go as well.
04:33Hope you'll join us again next week for some more adventures.
04:35Until then...
04:40That was Moira Stewart hosting the Adventure Game from 1980.
04:44Moira Stewart, Hugh Grant and Nelson Mandela.
04:46What poll do you think they might have appeared on?
04:48Is it people who can remember exactly where they were
04:51when Nelson Mandela was released from prison?
04:54Does she still read the news, Moira Stewart?
04:56I think she gets a paper some days, yeah.
04:59She's a proper newsreader, though, isn't she?
05:02She's a journalist.
05:03Yeah.
05:04As opposed to Kaplinsky.
05:07Natasha Kaplinsky, to me, looks like a businessman's wife.
05:10Like a journalist.
05:12I want my news read by someone who, if they entered a ballroom dancing competition,
05:15would definitely lose.
05:18Kaplinsky also sounds like a kind of maverick New York cop
05:21that doesn't play by the rules to me.
05:23Kaplinsky, put those doughnuts down and solve the case!
05:27Is this having to do with mumbling?
05:30Hello, I'm Moira Stewart.
05:32And he's like...
05:33Hello, I'm English...
05:34And then Nelson sounds a bit...
05:36As if he's still behind the brick wall.
05:39I would say no.
05:40You were along the right lines there, but I'll show you another one.
05:43Why does it take you so long?
05:44Why haven't you been back here since...?
05:46Well, where were you 12 years ago?
05:48I don't know.
05:49What were you doing?
05:50School, yeah.
05:51Oh, school.
05:52I've been working my arse off and you're at school.
05:54Terrific.
05:55You're questioning me, why I wasn't here?
05:58I've been around the world working my arse off
06:00and you've done nothing.
06:01I'm underwriting you, do you know that?
06:03Oh!
06:04Sean Connery there getting grumpy with a journalist at a film premiere.
06:07At 74, Sean Connery now has a whole new range of gadgets.
06:10Pay attention, Bond, this isn't a normal bath, you can walk right in.
06:16I like the fact that Sean Connery couldn't pronounce the word arse.
06:20I'll pick your arse.
06:21I think he's got a great voice for swearing.
06:23Push flaps.
06:25He does have an incredible ability with accent, Sean Connery.
06:29Is it the end of Highlander 2, a very popular film, I'm sure,
06:32when he comes in at the end and says,
06:34Hello, my name is Juan Carlos from Spain.
06:37No.
06:38Is it people who look like people out of Police Academy?
06:46Nelson Mandela looks like Hightower.
06:49She looks like, it's a stick-up.
06:52And Hugh Grant's the one who makes those noises.
06:55Game over.
06:57Even though he's white and the man was black.
07:03Sadly, no.
07:04Right, let's have a look at your final person.
07:21Oh.
07:22That's Ronan Keating there on Ireland's Late Late Show,
07:25presumably doing some sort of gay exchange ad.
07:30It's me with accents.
07:31We've all got a really quite an attractive-ish accent that, you know...
07:34Moira.
07:35Moira, yeah.
07:36Oh, good night.
07:38I'm wearing a gimp mask.
07:40Good night.
07:41You were going to hear your words, Alan Carr,
07:43because, Dave Spiker, you're absolutely right.
07:45Oh.
07:46APPLAUSE
07:48They've all appeared on a survey of people with the most pleasant voices.
07:51Surprising how many people in the top ten had regional accents.
07:54Of course, I don't have an accent.
07:56This is just how things sound when they're pronounced properly.
07:59LAUGHTER
08:01So, at the end of that round, it's zero points to Sean, Rob and Ian,
08:04and one point to Dave, Frankie and Alan.
08:06APPLAUSE
08:12The next round is called the Polls.
08:15The next round is called the Poll with a Hole.
08:17We've looked through hundreds of surveys, past and present,
08:20from around the world and unearthed some fascinating facts.
08:23Unfortunately, each statistic is missing one salient piece of information,
08:26so it's up to our panellists to fill in the gaps.
08:28Here's your first question.
08:30This is from an age-concerned study from January.
08:3250% of the over-65s don't have a what?
08:35Is it that 50% of over-65s don't have a real hip?
08:38LAUGHTER
08:41Is it 50% of over-65s don't have a clue
08:43why they went to the cupboard in the first place?
08:46Is it 50% of over-65s don't have a chance against a panther?
08:50LAUGHTER
08:53Is it 50% of over-65s don't have a waist?
08:56LAUGHTER
08:58As we get older, all men especially, the waist just get higher and higher
09:01and the belt gets... The pants just get higher.
09:03103, belt there, zip there.
09:05Hello, I'm 103.
09:08The only people I know are people who have trays over the bath.
09:11They can organise the loofah and the soap and it's all there
09:14and they need an emergency...
09:18People still use loofahs. That's great, isn't it?
09:20That's an over-65 thing, a loofah, isn't it?
09:22No, it's not. It cleans your back.
09:24It's a young man's thing, I would have thought, the loofah, surely, isn't it?
09:26Oh, yeah, it's a young man's thing.
09:29A lot of the kids watching will be thinking, yeah, loofahs, yeah.
09:33What is a loofah? What's a loofah?
09:35Do you want to know? I know, because the worst Christmas present I ever got...
09:38A loofah? ...was a grow-your-own-loofah kit.
09:40Oh!
09:43That is quite bad, isn't it?
09:46Where does the loofahs live in the wild, then?
09:48Underwater.
09:49No, they don't. They grow on trees.
09:51Is it like a sea cucumber when it's alive?
09:53No, it grows on land. It grows on land. It's a vegetable.
09:57Surely it's like a sponge and grows underwater, isn't it?
09:59No. That's what I thought it was. I disagree with you.
10:01Yeah, but you don't know fucking everything, do you?
10:04This should be a garden of special loofahs, then, if that's the case.
10:07Loofahs grow on trees. They're like a gourd. They're like a gourd.
10:10A gourd? What's a gourd?
10:12I can't believe I'm working with these botanical ignoramuses.
10:18I've never seen a loofah tree. If there were loofah trees...
10:20Well, of course you don't. You haven't seen...
10:22Well, because they don't exist. That's why.
10:24If there were loofah trees, we'd know about them. They sound brilliant.
10:27The reason you haven't seen one is because old people have taken them.
10:32I'll give you a clue. It's sort of about companionship.
10:34Is that her partner? Is it her best friend?
10:36Best friend is the right answer.
10:39This is from a survey featured in the Daily Mail, March 2005.
10:4286% of bosses feel that what is a disadvantage in business?
10:47Is it 86% of bosses feel that speaking in riddles is a disadvantage in business?
10:54My first is in piano, but not in canoe.
10:57Would you like to invest in my shipping company, Jimmy?
11:01Yes, yes, I would.
11:03It is in canoe, isn't it?
11:12Is it incontinence?
11:16I know. Is it giving your firm one of them stupid punny names?
11:20That's a disadvantage. You know, like specs in the city.
11:23I saw one. They did haircuts and they had sunbeds and it was called Tanzania.
11:30The cleverest one's near the Tate Modern. Tete Modern. Have you seen it?
11:35That's clever because that's like French.
11:37It's not funny, but it's clever, isn't it?
11:41I think that would be an advantage in business because people are morons.
11:47There's a great one in Bath and it's a coffee shop.
11:50And they've got it slightly wrong because it's called Rhythm and Beans.
11:53Rhythm and Beans.
11:57It was an off-lance with Rhythm and Booze. Yeah, that's fine. Rhythm and Beans.
12:01And you see people looking at it going...
12:05There's a hairdresser near us and the girl's called Valeret and full marks because it's called Valdozer.
12:13I can give you a clue. Go on, then.
12:15You were sort of along the right lines when you said it was about how people speak.
12:19Is it having a working class voice?
12:22That's the right answer.
12:25Yes, 86% of bosses feel that a working class accent is a disadvantage in business.
12:30I've done all right. Strike a light.
12:3425% of Brits find what helps them nod off?
12:38Listening to Clanard on heroin?
12:42Tamazipan.
12:44My mum, who was dyslexic, put Tamazipan on her Christmas cake once.
12:52Because you're at Voxset.
12:55Is it listening to your partner tell you about their day at work?
13:03Nitrous oxide, anaesthesia.
13:05Because I had anaesthesia and you know when they say they give you the thing, the injection and the anaesthesia,
13:10and they go, like, count backwards from ten, and you go ten, nine, eight,
13:14and then I heard somebody go, whoops, you don't want that near...
13:17What do you mean, whoops?
13:20I shall tell you. 25% of Brits find that a bath helps them nod off.
13:25It is very dangerous to fall asleep in the bath. I keep myself awake by constantly making toast.
13:32So at the end of that round, it's three points for Sean's team and five points for Dave's team.
13:39Join me after the break when we'll be finding out what women's favourite sexual fantasy is.
13:50APPLAUSE
13:54Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats. Our next round is word association.
13:57We've polled the nation and asked people to give us the word or phrase that popped into their heads
14:01when we said the following things. OK, everyone, here's your first clip.
14:07And here comes Alan Collier from Doncaster.
14:10LAUGHTER
14:15His hobbies include taekwondo, which is a form of the martial arts, a bit like karate.
14:21You do not argue with Alan Collier.
14:26APPLAUSE
14:29That was Alan Collier, winner of the 1980 Yorkshire Disco Dance Championships.
14:34What I'm looking for is the top three things the British public said when we said the 1980s.
14:40Can I just say, isn't television shit nowadays?
14:43LAUGHTER
14:45If that was on every channel 24 hours a day, I'd have square eyes.
14:51I'd like to have him in the snow shaker, just constantly dancing like that.
14:57What must his life have been like in Yorkshire?
15:00The locals must have constantly been laying siege to his house like the end of Frankenstein or something.
15:06Kill the disco dancer!
15:08He's just great, isn't he, Alan Collier?
15:10Shall we watch it again?
15:12That's all right, have another look.
15:14And here comes Alan Collier from Doncaster.
15:21You do not argue with Alan Collier.
15:26Not only do you not argue with Alan Collier, you don't talk to him.
15:30And he's just come from the pits when he dressed like that.
15:34And he was like, fucking hell, zip!
15:39Is this why they started closing down the mains?
15:42Because that's just what they were getting up to.
15:45Top three answers that the public most associated with the 1980s.
15:48Argy's.
15:50Thatcher.
15:52Yes, it is.
15:54Second most commonly associated word or phrase with the 1980s.
15:58Aha!
16:00Do you mean the band or have you just thought of something brilliant?
16:03The band. Or as they're known in more curious countries, aha!
16:07I can't decide if it's Fame the Musical or the Iranian Embassy siege.
16:13You were quite close with Fame.
16:15Leroy.
16:18Legwarmers.
16:20Yes, it was.
16:24You've still got to get the most commonly associated word with the 1980s.
16:27The mullet. The mullets were big, weren't they?
16:29I am going to give you that.
16:33Yes, the phrase most associated with the 1980s was bad hair.
16:36OK, here's your next one.
16:51That was, of course, the world-famous water-skiing monkeys of Japan
16:55to illustrate the word animals.
16:57Fingers on buzzers, what word or phrase did the nation most associate with animals?
17:01You think they would have put those monkeys on those inflatable bananas?
17:04It would have looked more...
17:11I think this is the new Neverland.
17:14Jackson's latest project.
17:17The thing is, they wouldn't do it if they didn't like it.
17:20They love it. They've got the option to bail out and have a swim.
17:24Well, since the PG tips work dried up, you know,
17:27they're all working as reps now.
17:30I just don't know how a monkey is driving a speedboat.
17:33Because you can't trust a monkey.
17:35You can train it, but you can never trust it.
17:40You speak from bitter experience, I imagine.
17:43If they can send a monkey into space, surely this is nothing.
17:49Surely this is a step down for the boys.
17:52It's just the monkeys at NASA pissing about on the day off.
17:56They're having a bit of me time.
18:00When we said animals, what do you think popped into the British public's minds?
18:03Shagging.
18:05When I was a kid, dogs on our street, you couldn't go out in the street,
18:08they were always just doing it, weren't they?
18:10Just pushing each other up and down the street.
18:12My mum told me they were dancing.
18:14That story is both quaint and disgusting.
18:17Yes, and very unsettling, because the first school disco I went to, I got expelled.
18:24Super furry.
18:28The number one answer was furry.
18:29OK, what other word would you associate with animals?
18:31Shit.
18:35You're absolutely right.
18:36That never happened on Family Fortunes, did it?
18:40What other word would you associate with animals?
18:42They're lovely, adorable.
18:44Adorable is along the right lines.
18:45Friendly.
18:46Cute.
18:47Who said cute?
18:49You were right.
18:51So at the end of that round, I can tell you that Sean's team have 6 points and Dave's team have 11 points.
18:59And the winner is, is the name of our final round.
19:01I'm going to give the teams a series of opinion polls,
19:03and it's up to them to buzz in and tell me who or what they think came top.
19:07Here is your first one.
19:08This is taken from a survey featured in The Independent, November 2004.
19:11The most annoying thing about a work colleague?
19:14They're always going on about their fucking BlackBerrys.
19:16Who cares?
19:17It's just a little bit of plastic that does emails.
19:19I'm not bothered about it.
19:20Yeah, well, the thing is, I get my emails anywhere I go, so it's easy.
19:24Is it sometimes that you do a panel show and the person in the middle refuses to wear trousers?
19:30It's not very right to feel like that's abuse.
19:33You used to work in a call centre, didn't you?
19:35Yeah, but they got lost and stolen.
19:36He's not lost, has he?
19:38Still got it.
19:40Was there no annoying habits there?
19:41Yes.
19:42This one day we had to come in as a sports theme and no-one could be bothered.
19:45And we're going, who's going to fall for this shit?
19:47Just as our supervisor came round dressed as a jockey.
19:53And then you get two swear words said to you throughout the call.
19:56You have every right, legally, to terminate the call.
19:58That's why I used to egg them on.
20:00Can you speak up, you fat bit?
20:04OK, most annoying thing about a work colleague?
20:06Oh, when they bring a baby in.
20:07When they just had a baby.
20:08I've got a baby.
20:09So what?
20:10I'm trying to work.
20:11I don't want to look at a baby.
20:12It's horrible.
20:13It's ugly.
20:14Oh no, we're going to have a look.
20:15Touch my baby.
20:16They don't say that, actually.
20:18There's always someone as well at work who comes in when they've got a day off.
20:21You know what I mean?
20:22Just to show what they look like in their jeans.
20:25Most annoying thing about a work colleague?
20:27It's hygiene related.
20:28B.O.
20:29Body odour.
20:30Correct.
20:32Yes, the most annoying thing about a work colleague is body odour.
20:35I imagine it's particularly bad if you work in a sweatshop.
20:38OK, this is from a survey featured in the Times, July 2004.
20:41Greatest British Olympian?
20:44Is it that one with the tash?
20:46Having my work spread.
20:50Jeff Capes, the world's strongest man, and officially he still is,
20:53but he's so strong he's not allowed to enter any more.
20:57You know, the thing about Jeff Capes, the really interesting thing about him,
20:59is he keeps budgies.
21:00Can you just imagine all that strength?
21:02But he can pick up a little budgie.
21:04But he can pick up a little budgie.
21:06And they go...
21:11He's had a chequered history, though, to be fair, Jeff.
21:13He used to work at the Yellow Pages factory, but he got sacked for destroying stock.
21:18Why do they put that world's strongest man thing on at Christmas?
21:21It's a filler.
21:22Well, it is, isn't it?
21:23It's loads of shit, and it's a man pulling a mobile home.
21:25And it's from there to there.
21:27Why do they have it on?
21:28A man lifting big round stone balls, and they get heavier,
21:31and he's got to put them up on a higher thing each time.
21:33And that, to me, is genius.
21:34They're not strong, they're just fat.
21:36Aren't they? They're just obese.
21:38And it shows you the world's fattest c**t, doesn't it?
21:42This is Steve and Redgrave.
21:44Steve Redgrave is number two.
21:46Is it Sebastian Corr?
21:47Yes, it is.
21:48Oh, well done.
21:51This one's from a YouGov survey from April this year.
21:53Top female sexual fantasy.
21:56Ian Lee.
21:57Is it?
21:58Yeah.
21:59Little man.
22:00Apparently so.
22:01To be told they've got lovely boobs by a stranger.
22:04I don't know, a builder or something.
22:07They love it, don't they?
22:08Is it, like, just something very simple,
22:10like maybe a phone call three days later?
22:14Is it wearing a gimp mask and being pulled around on a chain like a dog?
22:19I mean, women are my strong point.
22:23Top female sexual fantasy.
22:24It's something romantic, isn't it?
22:25It's something kind of nice.
22:26Is it like roses?
22:27I'm going to tell you.
22:28The top female sexual fantasy is sex with a regular partner.
22:31Well, ladies, I'm regular.
22:33Eat a lot of bran.
22:37Well, that sound tells me that it's the end of the round and the end of the show,
22:40which means the final score points,
22:41but Dave is the winner with 13 points.
22:45Thank you to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience,
22:48and all of you for watching at home.
22:49That's it from us. Good night.
22:54If you think you could be funny like Jimmy Carr and the Cats,
22:57consider a career in comedy via channel4.com slash ideasfactory.
23:01Next on 4, will Max be smiling when he faces the Big Brother crowd?
23:05Eviction fever coming up.