• 3 months ago
First broadcast 18th July 1996.

Gary is feeling middle-aged. Not only is he dressing like George but Anthea mistakes him for their older colleague.

Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
John Thomson ... Ken
Matthew Mills ... Adam

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:00You
00:30I
00:32I
00:57When you were a kid
00:58Did you ever knock on people's doors and run away? Yeah
01:04Why did we do that then I
01:08Never did it actually, but I knew some people who did you know, huh?
01:12Do you ever do that thing?
01:14When you're waiting for someone to open the door and you're like pull a really silly face and hold it to the last second
01:19No, okay
01:21We were a bit bored
01:33Hi
01:35So, what's it like being a mature?
01:39Student really great. I'm a pure student
01:45Mature
01:48Feels weird breaking in some new pants
01:51You
01:54Two living up here upstairs just the same as us only girls
01:59Just the same so we've never had a last one to vomit a Nancy boy competition
02:06So, um, how's your how's your homework going don't call it homework
02:12In class do you ever take the empty tube of a biro and like fire off little balls of inky paper
02:20Tony I'm in my 30s. I'm doing a degree in psychology. I don't play with inky paper
02:26So how do you wind then? I don't
02:46Can I have some of these please
02:49No
02:52So bollocks, isn't it study
02:55Thanks, Gary. No, no apart from psychology. Obviously, that's very useful crucial vital
03:04Yep, I learned all I need at the University of life and the Faculty of Harden Knox
03:09Specialized subject life as it's lived grant checks applied by the hard graft
03:15Educational authority. Yes. Yes. God. Gary is so middle-aged. We need now as a cardian some slippers
03:29You've got some no Deb, I'd really like to help but can I test you on anything I'd be good at testing
03:34No, it's fine. Really. Well, maybe I could sharpen your pencils go around making them all sure I don't use pencils
03:40I could watch your satchel. I don't have a satchel
03:42We
03:44Could buy one we can go satchel shopping together
03:46Tony I know you're trying to help but I've got new interest now a new set of friends
03:51I don't need you hanging around me like a poodle
03:56Sorry poodle fine
04:01No, I'm a poodle that's very very clear
04:05mate
04:07Would you like me to take you out for a walk?
04:09Oh
04:15Tony no, really. No Tony. No, I'm a poodle. Just give me the bloody paper
04:23So I'm not a student so I'm not good enough for you
04:28Levels I just forgot to send in the form
04:35Can I just borrow some of these
04:37No clever enough a
05:07Bit of a think about
05:22They knew how to write a tune in those days didn't know couldn't do words obviously, but it could do tunes
05:28He was always smashingly turned out wasn't she the lady in the secret?
05:31Yeah, you never saw her with egg on her blouse or the grease from sausages
05:35You can still remember the day the Seekers split up I came home Marjorie was in tears and we just
05:47After seekers there were the new Seekers, but I found them rather raucous
05:53Well to be fair George. I don't think the new Seekers were ever actually
05:56raucous
05:58Oh
06:03George just reassure me that I'm not dressed the same as you
06:09Yes, it's rather splendid
06:12Marjorie buys all my clothes. Perhaps. I should ask her to buy two of everything
06:17What is happening to me?
06:20I
06:22Excuse me George. I'm not George. I'm Gary
06:27I'm sorry. Oh, I'm turning into George
06:31That's nice. No, that's not nice
06:35Well, they do say people start to look like their dogs. I
06:41Don't mind looking like a dog. I just want to look like George
06:44Well, actually you've started to say the same things as George to you know, like whoops a daisy and
06:51What's the biscuit situation? I have not and you know all the words my favorite songs
06:57Well, I think it's super that we're all growing middle-aged together
07:06Oh, that's it
07:14Oh
07:37So if you always wanted to run the pub though, oh
07:39yeah ever since I was
07:41Er... No. No, I haven't. No, I never wanted to run one.
07:45I thought you were going to say you wanted to run a doormobile.
07:48Oh. Oh.
07:55Do you know what I like about pubs?
07:57Is it the way you can walk in and get drinks?
07:59Yeah. Yeah, I suppose it is.
08:02And the way you get all sorts together.
08:04I mean, over there you've got a newsreader having a chat with a lumberjack
08:08and over there we've got a scaffolder having a chinwag with Dame Judi Dench.
08:14Have they popped to the toilet?
08:16No, generally.
08:18Oh, generally. Yeah.
08:21Oh, that bloke from the brewery popped in with those signs you're wanting.
08:25We've got some for the toilet doors.
08:27We've got a bit of a choice, actually, here.
08:30Now, that's quite classy, isn't it?
08:32Yeah, it is.
08:35Um...
08:38It's not really yours, is it?
08:40No. No. No.
08:42More for places with clean toilets.
08:44Yeah. Yeah.
08:58Ah, I see.
09:00Ah, I see.
09:05Hi, Tony.
09:07Oh, hiya. These are some of my friends from the course.
09:10What, students?
09:12Hi. Two halves of your cheapest bitter, please.
09:15Two glasses of tap water and what you have in depth.
09:18Oh, it's all right. I know what she likes.
09:20Actually, I'll have half a bitter, too.
09:22Eh? Oh, OK.
09:24This is Tony, everyone.
09:26Hi. He's a neighbour.
09:28Hiya. We had a snog once, you know.
09:32That's a long time ago.
09:34Yeah, but a snog's a snog, eh?
09:37So, you're all students, then, are you?
09:39Yeah. Yeah.
09:41Yeah, I would have got some O-levels, you know,
09:43but I forgot to send the form in.
09:45Sort of left it on the sofa and it fell behind a cushion
09:49and, um, dissolved.
09:51I didn't think you needed to send in any forms.
09:53You did at our school.
09:55Have you noticed, on University Challenge,
09:58how the questions are getting easier?
10:01They're very easy.
10:03That'll be £1.96, please.
10:05I'll get these. Oh, no, this is my round.
10:11Here, my cheque.
10:14It's fine.
10:16KOSHA! Yes.
10:23So, that's that, then. That's me youth gone.
10:27Oh, well.
10:28One minute I'm learning what the big Anne and the little Anne do
10:31and the next I'm padding round Marks and Spencers with a basket
10:34buying old man's shoes.
10:37Got a trendier shop?
10:39No, it's good because you can take your purchases back
10:41if you change your mind.
10:45Whatever happened to those long, hazy summer days
10:48when it seemed like life would go on forever?
10:51Bobber job week, little name tags sewn into your socks,
10:55the lemonade van coming round on Wednesday bringing bottles of pop
10:59and we'd brush out with the empties
11:01and he'd give us tumps for each one.
11:03Lemonade van? When was this, 1931?
11:07I mean, I wouldn't mind if I'd actually done something with my life.
11:11You've done things, love.
11:14What? Shush, I'm thinking.
11:18Look at us. What's wrong with us?
11:21I mean, Hetty Wainthrop investigates us, what's wrong with us?
11:25We should be watching something violent and repulsive.
11:30What do you want to do?
11:32I don't know, something mad, something crazy,
11:34something I've never done before.
11:36Sit in the corner, quietly reading a book,
11:38looking up every now and again, making an intelligent comment?
11:42I've never been part of a scene, you know.
11:45Even George was part of the Croydon folk club scene.
11:49He was up and down Croydon High Street wearing Fair Isle sweaters.
11:56You're home early. Yeah.
11:58Ken sent me home for challenging one of Deb's student pals to a duel.
12:03I meant to say fistfight, just couldn't think of the word.
12:07It'd really wind me up, you know.
12:09I'd lose all my legendary poise and sophistication.
12:15I'll never get Debra back now.
12:17Are there any students? She hasn't joined a religious sect.
12:21No, she has. That's what they're like.
12:24They all sit in a huddle, rolling their own spitty little fags,
12:28looking all smug and evil.
12:30And they won't let you join in either.
12:32They keep spreading out, pretending there's no room at the table.
12:36You should have done one of your cheese impressions.
12:38Yeah, I offered, actually.
12:40But they just did that in the chair.
12:43Ah.
12:45I love Debra. I want to sleep with her.
12:48Yes, I'm sure.
12:50Tony, did you do crazy things when you were young?
12:54Yeah. What was it like?
12:56Brilliant.
12:57So why didn't, you know, why didn't I do crazy things?
13:01Dunno, mate. Maybe you were dull.
13:05Maybe.
13:06Yeah, I did a lot, me.
13:08Yeah, I was a punk, new romantic, goth, new hairy.
13:12Yeah, me too.
13:13Yeah.
13:14Oh, you too. Oh.
13:18You must have been something.
13:19Yes, I was a schoolboy, then I was an office junior,
13:22then I was a new office manager,
13:23and then I joined the floppy knitwear scene.
13:26That's lovely. That's quite nice.
13:28Good, really.
13:29Right. We're going to a rave.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:51Hey, hey, hey, ah, ah, ah.
13:53Look, mate, new sign.
13:56Come on, Ken, he's me best mate.
14:00All right, go on.
14:01Thanks, mate.
14:06That's enough, I'll stop now.
14:08Oh, let's get on our heads and go crazy,
14:10cos we're young and we don't give a shit.
14:13Sorry, sorry.
14:15Gary, listen, don't take this the wrong way, mate,
14:18but you're dressed like an arse.
14:22This suit, mate, this is a classic suit.
14:24Last time I went dancing in this, Lionel Richie came on a record player,
14:28I could have had any woman in that scout hat.
14:30Yeah.
14:32I reckon tonight's the night for me and Jeb as well.
14:34Picture this, we're all sticky from dancing.
14:37Sticky, yeah.
14:38We've had a few drinks.
14:39Out of red, good, yeah.
14:40And my horn aftershave is like playing mind games with her horns.
14:44Whatever.
14:45I reckon she's going to look me right in the eye, or both of them,
14:49and say, Tony, if you don't sleep with me right now,
14:53I'm going to call the police.
14:56You're an optimist, eh, mate?
14:57Yeah, yeah.
15:03Gary?
15:05This is Adam, we're studying together.
15:07Hi, student.
15:08Hi.
15:10I just...
15:14Ah, the suit.
15:16Yeah, well, you know what they say.
15:18Why are you wearing that crap suit?
15:21Style never goes out of fashion.
15:23Gary, we're going to be dancing all night in a hot warehouse,
15:26we're not going to the 1984 Building Society Employee of the Year Award.
15:31Um...
15:33I found this on the floor.
15:36I think you might be a bit sexist.
15:38Don't crush it, you know.
15:44Maybe he's right.
15:45Let's see what else we've got.
15:48Dogs and bitches or tarts and vicars?
15:55What's he doing here?
15:57Adam just showed up and asked if he could come out with us.
16:00I couldn't really say no.
16:02Well, if he's coming with us, I'm staying here.
16:04Oh, Tony!
16:05No, I mean it, Debs, take it or leave it.
16:13Where are we?
16:16Ah!
16:32Oh, hang on, this is a street map of Dieppe.
16:40Oh, look at Roman Road.
16:42Oh, no, it's just a fold in the map.
16:46It's interesting, isn't it,
16:48how the original rave scene shifted leisure out of the towns
16:51into the suburbs or even the countryside.
16:53It was sort of the first time the entertainment industry,
16:56with a small e, if you'll pardon the expression,
16:59had challenged the received notions of urban supremacy.
17:02Oh, shut up.
17:04Tony.
17:05I just don't see why he should be allowed to sit next to you.
17:08So unfair.
17:09What does it matter?
17:10Well, let me sit next to her, then.
17:12No, I've made the seat all nice and warm now.
17:14I feel sick if I don't sit by the window.
17:16That's interesting, isn't it?
17:18Oh, dear, not interesting, see?
17:20It confirms everything we know
17:22about how the irrational psyche determines wellness.
17:25What's he on about now?
17:26Gary, where are we, please,
17:28before I beat you to death with the Reader's Digest book of the road?
17:32I'm sticking my neck out hugely here,
17:34but we seem to be at the junction of two roads.
17:40What's so irrational about my psyche?
17:42Well, there's obviously nothing in the glass of the window, per se,
17:45that's making you not feel not well, as it were.
17:48Right.
17:49Get out. I'm going in the middle.
17:51Actually, I feel sick if I don't sit in the middle.
17:54Good.
17:55No.
17:56Right.
17:58I'm going to count to three, and if you're...
18:00No, Sonic, just get out. Just get out.
18:02Get the fuck out.
18:03I'm going to...
18:05HE GASPS
18:07Get out.
18:10Oh, come on, we're on a big night out.
18:31I've had enough of turning back.
18:34Had enough? Turning back?
18:36Are you mad?
18:38Are you mad?
18:40Are you madder than Brian Mad of Madcastle?
18:45Are you?
18:46Come on, it's two o'clock in the morning.
18:49No, absolutely no.
18:51We're having a brilliant time.
18:54It's two o'clock, and we haven't even got there yet.
18:57Now, that's very fashionable.
18:59I read it in a magazine.
19:01Of, er...
19:03Well, some sort...
19:05Or other.
19:08Word of advice, just check you've got the right map.
19:11I was working on a map of Dieppe for some time.
19:15Disastrous consequences.
19:19Oh, I see you two are friends again.
19:22OK.
19:23I once had someone on me lap, in a car.
19:27HE LAUGHS
19:29I can't act embarrassed.
19:31Still, it was a girl.
19:35I think this is it, isn't it?
19:37This is the cutting edge of pleasure.
19:40Wherever there's fun, we're there.
19:42Regardless of distance, just give us a map and we'll find it, eventually.
19:47Oh, for God's sake!
19:54Tony, who gave you these directions?
19:57Ken.
19:58Right, that's it, we're going home.
20:00No!
20:08Hang on a minute, what's that over there?
20:11Stop the car.
20:13I think I'm going to be sick.
20:15Me too, actually.
20:18HEAVY METAL MUSIC
20:44Is he all right?
20:46Oh, yeah, it was all a bit much for him, he's overexcited.
20:50Tony, do you want me to get my key out?
20:52No.
20:53I may not be a student studying keys,
20:57or have an A-level in key studies,
21:00but I know how to open a door.
21:03How long does it normally take?
21:05Right!
21:06Leave it, Tony! Tony, leave it!
21:08Someone please put me to bed.
21:12Oh, what happened?
21:14You passed out.
21:16Oh, I hate that.
21:18We lost your bar for now, but we found you in a corner
21:21trying to climb into your own shoe.
21:23Gary, I'm over here.
21:25Here.
21:26Oh, why do we have to go clubbing?
21:28What's wrong with staying over a nice cup of tea and watching telly?
21:32Shush, shush, shush, no help.
21:34Yeah, you can get your Kajagoogoo to reform or something.
21:39I'll take him to bed.
21:40Cheeky.
21:42I'm actually in an incredible amount of pain, you know.
21:46Well, thanks, fellas, for a lovely evening.
21:49I'll see you up.
21:50Oh, no, wait, mate, there's something for you to see up there.
21:53I've got some book stuff I need to talk to you about.
21:56Just get... You get...
22:01Tony, put Adam down!
22:04Put him down!
22:06Put him down!
22:10Come on up.
22:26Oh.
22:28Oh, that's better.
22:33Anything else coming off?
22:37No, not just yet.
22:39Sort of a ceremony, isn't it?
22:41The stripping away again of the social trinkets.
22:44A return to self.
22:46I was just taking my earrings off.
22:48Yeah, right.
22:50Well, that was a bit of a laugh.
22:53How did you take your tea again?
22:55Um...
23:00In the bedroom.
23:03Adam.
23:05Do you mind if we don't?
23:07Hey, no, whatever.
23:09Traditional sexual advance.
23:11Would that be the permanent, do you mind if we don't,
23:14or is that just the interim holding position?
23:17Apart from the fact that I don't always understand what you're saying,
23:22I think we're just a bit too different.
23:25Hey!
23:27Am I too late to join in your discussion group?
23:32I've brought some cornflakes and some intriguing books.
23:40Bye, then.
23:43Oh, are you off? Yeah.
23:49Has he got to do his paper round?
23:55The Guinness Book of Records and Watership Dam.
23:58What a fascinating discussion that would have been.
24:03So what's wrong with him, then?
24:05Oh, I don't know.
24:07He's probably just a bit too young and intellectual for me.
24:10Sadly, and I do mean sadly,
24:13I've probably got more in common with you than with him.
24:16Eh?
24:19So?
24:27Not that much in common.
24:33My bedroom door will be locked.
24:58And that's me on my first day at work.
25:01Oh!
25:03Shiny shoes!
25:05Yes. Very shiny.
25:08And look at all them pens in your top pocket.
25:12How many...? 17 pens.
25:15And a couple of rulers.
25:17Yeah. I couldn't take my jacket off all day cos it was too heavy.
25:21What's your mum doing?
25:23She's sprinkling holy water on my briefcase.
25:25Thought it would help my career.
25:28And, um, you've got a dog on your head.
25:32No, no. That's my hair. Hair was like that, then.
25:38I reckon that's why men go bald, you know.
25:40Nature's way of stopping them having any more crap hairstyles.
25:45Look at me. What have I got on?
25:47Dorothy, by the looks of it.
25:50No, not that one. That one.
25:52Oh, yeah. That was our office fancy dress party.
25:55I went as Anthea.
25:57Something I'm not going to rush into in a hurry again, I can tell you.
26:01How was your hangover?
26:03A bit better.
26:05Mine too.
26:07I think I'm ready to tackle walking and talking at the same time again.
26:13It's going to be a while before I go out again.
26:15Yeah. I mean, what's wrong with stopping in,
26:18popping on a record with a proper tune...
26:20A proper tune.
26:22..and resting up with a nice pot of tea?
26:24What half the country is running around going...
26:27Canny old dogs like us have sufficient self-esteem
26:31to enjoy a dignified evening at home in...
26:34Yeah.
26:36Watching TV programmes about antiques.
26:40And gardening.
26:42Mmm.
26:54LAUGHTER
27:10APPLAUSE
27:24MUSIC