First broadcast 22nd July 1994.
Dorothy and Gary go for a romantic weekend at a country hotel and get on famously - until they write down and swap their idea of the perfect sexual fantasies.
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Dave Atkins ... Les
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Robin Kermode ... Ray
Dorothy and Gary go for a romantic weekend at a country hotel and get on famously - until they write down and swap their idea of the perfect sexual fantasies.
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Dave Atkins ... Les
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Robin Kermode ... Ray
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00You
00:30You
01:00That's very good. I saw that bloke in that film. Yeah, Tom Cruise in Cocktail. No, Norman Wisdom in Who's That Wanker?
01:16Just honing my skills actually for me new job. Do you know any cocktails?
01:21Yeah, quite a few actually. A pigeon, Major Chubby,
01:26A red lesbian, a spread-eagled lady. That's just cider, really.
01:31Toolbox. What's a toolbox? It's a tin box you carry tools around in.
01:36No, I'm serious actually. This could be the start of a whole new career for me tonight.
01:40Well, normally I'll come along and point at you and laugh, obviously, but Dorothy's going around for a serious chat.
01:46What is it with women? They get a boyfriend, then they try and work the whole thing up into a relationship!
01:51I've got a book about relationships. Oh, yeah? What's that tell you? How to stay together by sitting in a circle and being complicated together.
01:59I haven't read it. This chick give it me after she chucked me. I'll get it you.
02:05It's called Men Who Never Grow Up. Kind of ironic, I suppose, really.
02:11I've managed to collect quite a few over the years.
02:14Love is letting go of fear. You just don't understand.
02:19Excuse me, darling, I think I'll be the judge of that.
02:22Piss off out of my life. That's a bit strong, isn't it?
02:25Yeah, well, she was a bit cross at the end, you know. Yeah, she must have been.
02:29You know those kind of women who cut the crotch out of men's trousers when they've been messing around?
02:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:35Cross? Cross, yeah. At least you got a book out of it. Yeah.
02:40Are you ready for love? Have the wooden tops got a spotty dog?
02:46What? Oh.
02:49I think we were just smiling at a rather thought-provoking passage in
02:52If You Think You're So Wonderful Why Do You Think You're So Wonderful?
02:55I think we were just smiling at a rather thought-provoking passage in
02:58If You Think You're So Wonderful Why Do You Think You're So Wonderful?
03:01I think we were just smiling at a rather thought-provoking passage in
03:04If You Think You're So Wonderful Why Are You Still Single?
03:07Oh, yeah? How come you got that? Well, er... I bought them.
03:10They thought they might help us find out what's wrong with our relationship.
03:13I know what's wrong with our relationship. We're bored of each other sexually.
03:16Yes, my star. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, is it?
03:20It was bad enough when I was faking it. When you started faking it as well, I knew we were in trouble.
03:25Anyway. Hey.
03:28What do you think, eh? It's my new job.
03:32Yeah, don't tell me you're gonna get shot out of a cannon.
03:35Oh, yeah. Yeah.
03:38Bye, Tony. Bye, Tony.
03:41Right. Let's get this over with.
03:44Well, come on. You've got to admit our relationship isn't exactly on fire.
03:48Do you find me less sexually exciting than when we first met?
03:51Oh, no, darling. No, no.
03:53No. Well, I have to admit I do find you less exciting.
03:56Well, of course I find you less exciting.
03:58If you do anything hundreds of times, it's bound to lose its thrill, isn't it?
04:01Like tobogganing.
04:05Do you remember how rampant we used to be when we first met?
04:08Yeah. Well, that night we saw Body Heat, we must have done it five times.
04:12And you wouldn't do it again, but I'd collapse in the bathroom.
04:16That was before we met, actually.
04:19Was it? Oh.
04:21Well, still, you're very good, too.
04:23That is just typical of your level of sensitivity.
04:26What? I'm sensitive? I've got books.
04:32Oh, look, here's a bit of advice.
04:33If you want to improve your sex life,
04:36why not share your fantasies with your partner?
04:39If you want to sleep with Michelle Pfeiffer, just say so.
04:43Dorothy, I want to sleep... Don't, Gary. I have to slap you.
04:46You wanted to bring honesty into our relationship. I was totally against it.
04:49Yeah, all right, all right. If you want to go by the book, this one says,
04:53if you want to rejuvenate your sex life,
04:55why not go away to the country for a weekend at a hotel?
04:59Fantastic. Who are you going to take?
05:02Oh, together, Gary. We go together.
05:05Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Sorry.
05:07Right. That's settled, then.
05:09Are you sure you can afford it? Yeah. You're paying.
05:13Why?
05:14Look, you're the one who broke our relationship. You can pay to get it mended.
05:19I hate the countryside.
05:24So, what are three golden rules of bar craft, what we learnt yesterday?
05:29Um, anyone under 18 must produce a false ID,
05:33ladies should be dressed as mad and blokes as mate
05:36and don't clean the glasses with spit.
05:39Unless... Unless you really have to.
05:42You really have to.
05:45Right, now, tonight, drinks. Drinks, right.
05:48Here at the Crown, we're really proud of our long-running recycling system.
05:52Long-running recycling scheme?
05:54Yeah, slop's trade.
05:56Yes. Technically, it's illegal, but, well, as I always say,
06:01so are a lot of things.
06:05So, when do I start to learn to mix cocktails, then?
06:09Cocktails?
06:11Oh, shandy, so long.
06:15Oh, barman, get me a wheelbarrow.
06:17What's a wheelbarrow?
06:19Two gardens, got two hands on that.
06:22Larger. Larger.
06:26Tony, you don't think you're overdressed for this place, do you?
06:29How do you mean?
06:31Nothing, nothing at all.
06:33I'll tell you something, and this will sound a bit weird,
06:36but from this side of the bar, this place looks a bit depressing.
06:44I keep thinking Debra's going to walk in,
06:46and think I'm some kind of a failure.
06:48That's not the best chance of that, is it?
06:50Well, I think it's an OK job.
06:53It's a crappy job, but she's not coming here to see you, is she?
06:56Not unless Fogg comes in and she mistakes the place for an antique shop.
07:00I think we women like a bit of rough.
07:02Oh, yeah? Well, why's she going out with a bloody smoothie estate agent, then?
07:05Well, they don't always like a bit of rough.
07:07I reckon I've got two options to get her back.
07:09One, I use my personality and really, like, wow her.
07:12Or two, make the other bloke look stupid.
07:15I'd go for number two, if I were you.
07:20I lost my woman once.
07:22Oh, really?
07:24Tell you how I got her back.
07:26I went and I... I stood outside her house,
07:29and I sort of bellowed like a wounded animal.
07:32Interesting.
07:34Maureen!
07:37Maureen!
07:41Sort of like that.
07:43Anyway... Maureen!
07:46It worked.
07:48Her parents got fed up with me bellowing after a couple of days
07:51and they made her go back out with me.
07:53Oh. Thanks, Les.
07:57So it looks like bellowing's the answer, then.
08:00I don't envy you single men, I really don't.
08:02Oh, yeah? I'm not the one who's being forced to go on a bloody rambling holiday, you.
08:07Rambling holiday? Yeah, you!
08:09That's just an excuse to give the old love lolly a bit of an extended workout.
08:15Dorothy and I aren't going to be doing much walking in the countryside,
08:19I can tell you that, son.
08:25So if you push the green button once, that switches you to summertime mode.
08:29Twice activates the hot water and brings the heating on twice,
08:33and three times switches the hot water on,
08:36whilst the heating remains, of course, semi-continuous.
08:39So moving on to the electricity now... No!
08:41Sorry? Nothing. Thought not.
08:44Now, the procedure, in the event of a fuse blowing here,
08:47is as per fact sheet three.
08:49And instructions for feeding the fish, they're on fact sheet four.
08:52Now, if the little stripey ones try to eat or shag the yellow ones,
08:56refer to subnote 3A.
08:58Oh, you're so bonkers, aren't I?
09:00I thought we were going down to the country for the weekend, but no, no.
09:03We're obviously going down the Zambezi for a year or two.
09:07It was you that said I should get a hobby.
09:09I don't want to come back and find they've all eaten each other,
09:12and there's no fish in the middle.
09:14Tony, would you like to repeat back to me what I just said, please?
09:24Push a green button.
09:26Do you see? I've never left him alone before,
09:30and I don't think he's up to it.
09:32Look, we'll recreate the countryside here.
09:34I'll go out in the garden and get a branch or something.
09:36You go down the safe ways and make us all a ploughman's.
09:38Gary, let me put it this way.
09:40Two people in car going down to countryside.
09:42Relationship intact.
09:44One person in car going down to countryside.
09:46Relationship over.
09:48Right, we off?
10:00Do you know your mum's got a dead beaver in her glove compartment?
10:03It's a hat.
10:06Oh, why are the parents like Roger Whittaker?
10:09Oh, speeches of Prince Philip. I've got that one.
10:11What was it your dad had in his glove compartment?
10:13Great war cries of the world?
10:15Well, that's different, isn't it? He's disturbed.
10:21Oh, God.
10:23We've got a great, long, boring green bit coming up.
10:27Gary, you just pretend to be a normal person and enjoy the scenery.
10:31Ooh, what a lovely hedge.
10:33Why do you have to slag off everything you don't understand?
10:36Actually, I'm very knowledgeable about the countryside.
10:39There's a chaffinch. Where?
10:41Very mysterious.
10:43Willow.
10:45Sycamore. Redwood.
10:47Norwegian monkey puzzle.
10:49I've got to stop. I've got to go.
10:51Those were all oaks.
10:53Behind you.
10:56Oh, God.
10:58Oh, God.
11:00Behind them, by the sheep.
11:02They were goats.
11:04I said goats.
11:08Oh, smell that air.
11:10Sorry.
11:17Maybe I should move down here.
11:19Nah.
11:21You've missed the sophisticated city tour.
11:23What? You and Tony are discussing the most comfortable pants you've ever had?
11:27How should I move there?
11:30Oh, look at those lovely hedges.
11:32Mm.
11:35So what are the most comfortable pants you've ever had?
11:52Bollocks.
12:00Hi, Tony.
12:02Oh, you know, friends keep popping round. I'm really busy.
12:05My feet don't seem to touch the ground.
12:07Anything for me?
12:09Well, I haven't really... Yeah, there's two.
12:11That's one from the well-woman clinic and one from your friend Helen.
12:15She says she met this Greek accountant on holiday
12:18and he's got so much body hair she doesn't know whether to screw him or brush him.
12:22I'll read it myself, shall I?
12:24Whatever.
12:26Oh, look, Tony, I'm really sorry if I've hurt you.
12:29How do you mean?
12:31Well, you know, me going out with Ray.
12:33Oh, hardly even noticed, to be honest.
12:35So why did you open your window and shout,
12:38''Get lost, smug estate agent, bastard'' at him?
12:41No, you see, that wasn't him.
12:43That was this other estate agent on the other side of the road.
12:46And he says he caught you pushing potato peelings through his car window.
12:50Oh, yeah, I did do that, yeah.
12:52What? So you want me to stop?
12:54To stop, yeah.
12:56Sorry, yeah.
12:58It was a disaster in the past. I really want this one to work.
13:02I understand. I'll just leave you two together now to make your happiness.
13:07Good luck. Thank you.
13:09Do you want a drink tonight? Oh, I can't. Ray's coming round tonight.
13:13You mean tonight it's not staying over, is he?
13:16I really think that's between us, don't you?
13:18But he can't. What? You mean you'll be naked in the same bed together and everything?
13:23I'm sorry, Tony.
13:25Oh!
13:29Maybe we can go out in a group together, you know, you and Dorothy and Gary and...
13:33No, no, no. I've got this new job as a cocktail waiter.
13:36I'll be far too busy from now on serving celebrities.
13:39Yeah, Danny Minogue comes in all the time, actually, and she calls me Tony.
13:43Oh, well, I must go.
13:45Yeah, Selina Scott, Michael Portillo, we get the lot, we do.
13:48Selina's got her own engraved tankard, as it happens, you know, the clothes don't...
13:53Such a...
13:58LAUGHTER
14:00Do you know what happens if you don't do it?
14:03LAUGHTER
14:29MUSIC PLAYS
14:31LAUGHTER
14:46LAUGHTER
14:58MUSIC CONTINUES
15:14LAUGHTER
15:28LAUGHTER
15:51I wonder how Tony is.
15:53Oh, he'll be all right.
15:56After all, he has got six fact sheets,
15:58including one on what to do if the doorbell goes.
16:01Oh, look, there's a little badger.
16:04That's a rabbit.
16:06Yeah, I knew that.
16:12Do you remember that first time we went to a hotel for the weekend?
16:15Yeah.
16:17We really got to know each other that weekend.
16:20Maybe that's why we then split up for five months.
16:23Yeah, funny, that.
16:26Oh.
16:29It all seems so long ago.
16:32I wonder what life would have been like if we'd never met.
16:39LAUGHTER
16:41Do you know, we've been going out longer than any of my friends.
16:45You haven't got any friends.
16:47No, but if I had some, we'd have been going out longer than any of them.
16:52It never lasts, though, does it?
16:54You always spoil these weekends.
16:56How did I spoil the last one?
16:58I can't remember.
17:00Oh, yes, you came with me.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:04Hey.
17:07Let's do it out here.
17:09No, no. It says in the book,
17:11first of all, we have to explore each other's psyche,
17:14then we have to be completely honest with each other,
17:17then we hump like crazy.
17:19Is there a guideline?
17:21Oh, no, you went to all the trouble of getting the book.
17:24No, no, it says no second or third day.
17:29LAUGHTER
17:31LAUGHTER
17:33Oh, oh, oh, stop. Stop, I've rolled in something.
17:37LAUGHTER
17:39LAUGHTER
17:42MUSIC PLAYS
17:54LAUGHTER
18:11I once ate 75 packets of these one week.
18:14Oh, yeah?
18:16Yeah, I was on a diet.
18:18LAUGHTER
18:20You can't do that.
18:23You can only have baby sham and pork scratchings.
18:26It was called the baby sham and pork scratchings diet.
18:30LAUGHTER
18:33This was specially designed for busy bar managers
18:36who simply didn't have the time to count the calories.
18:39Oh, Saturday nights never used to be like this.
18:42You're not still moaning over your girl, are you?
18:45Of course I am.
18:47I'm just going to be sleeping upstairs tonight with a new boyfriend.
18:50Where am I going to sleep?
18:53No, Les, not here.
18:55LAUGHTER
18:57At my place.
18:59It's horrible.
19:01The only woman I want lying five yards away from me
19:04having sex with another bloke.
19:06Where? Les, not here.
19:08It'll be at my place tonight.
19:10Oh, right.
19:12LAUGHTER
19:14LAUGHTER
19:17Hi there.
19:19Are you drinking bottled beers or am I being hopelessly optimistic?
19:22Well, I could put some in a bottle for you.
19:25LAUGHTER
19:27I've got a plastic funnel down here somewhere.
19:29A glass of red wine, please, Les.
19:31Coming up, darling.
19:33Amazing, isn't it? It is a 1950s theme pub with staff to match.
19:36I'll tell you what, I'll just have the lager.
19:39There's not much you can do to that.
19:41I'll have a dob in it.
19:43LAUGHTER
19:45I'll bring yours over.
19:49LAUGHTER
19:55You seem to be crouching down.
19:57Yeah, well, they mustn't see me.
19:59Who? Deborah and Ray. Why?
20:01I lied to Deborah, told her I had a glamorous job.
20:03Well, it is a glamorous job.
20:05Yeah, I know, but that polce he blokes with won't think so, will he?
20:08Hello, Tony.
20:10LAUGHTER
20:12Hi, I'm the area manager. Is there a problem?
20:14Doing a spot of bar work to better yourself, are you?
20:17I understand why Deborah didn't snap you up years ago.
20:20You reckon?
20:22What's the difference between selling pints of booze and selling houses, then, eh?
20:25A free company car, status, career, prospects and about 20 grand a year.
20:29So, not much different, then, really, eh, Les?
20:31LAUGHTER
20:33Any chance of that beer before next week?
20:35I'm changing the barrel.
20:38Remember last week we had that barrel that gave all the customers gut rock?
20:42Yeah.
20:45It's still in the cellar.
20:47LAUGHTER
20:57You know, it says write down all your fantasies.
21:00Do you think it means, like, normal fantasies
21:02or fantasies that maybe, you know, you've heard your friends talking about
21:05but obviously personally you think are quite disgusting?
21:07Your fantasies, Gary.
21:09We're supposed to be rejuvenating our sex life, not writing a catalogue.
21:13And you won't be cross?
21:15Remember when we did the touching and feeling exercise?
21:17Yes, you were, actually.
21:19Yes, I was, but I won't be now.
21:23How many fantasies have you got so far?
21:25Mind your own business.
21:28Oh, how do you spell Alsatian?
21:30What?
21:38A-L-S.
21:40You haven't, really?
21:42Of course I haven't.
21:46LAUGHTER
21:54Oh, who can that be? I didn't order room service.
21:56Oh.
21:58Come on, are you done?
22:01Yeah. Come on, then.
22:03Are you sure this is a good idea?
22:05Mm-mm.
22:07Ooh, saucy!
22:09Oh, yeah, I got that one.
22:12Uh-huh.
22:15Of course, you realise that is illegal even in Holland.
22:19What do you think of mine?
22:21You like them, don't you?
22:25Well, we are supposed to be being honest.
22:27Not that honest.
22:29Well, which one don't you like?
22:31Er, numbers eight to 26.
22:33But we don't have to do number 23.
22:35You're not kidding?
22:37Well, it's not fair. You only put six down.
22:39Yeah, but I've only got six.
22:42Oh, you're ridiculous.
22:44Oh, you're repressed. That's your problem.
22:47Well, if not being repressed means that I have to do number 18,
22:51then I'd rather be repressed, thank you very much.
22:54There's no chance of a quick number six, then.
23:00HE BELCHES
23:03Are you all right?
23:05HE BELCHES
23:07Well, can I come and help?
23:09HE BELCHES
23:12Oh, I'm not very well.
23:14Oh, I know.
23:21Would you want to take a cab home?
23:23HE BELCHES
23:25It's the worst Saturday night I've ever spent with anybody.
23:28HE BELCHES Thank you very much.
23:30KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, who is it?
23:32Can I help? I thought I heard somebody being sick over and over again.
23:35It's Ray. Oh, is he not well?
23:37I think it's a touch of food poisoning.
23:40I don't suppose you've been able to get to bed at all, have you?
23:43No. Well, listen, do you want to come down to my place?
23:46If Ray gets any worse, he'll hit the floor, you'll hear him.
23:49You can phone an ambulance from my place.
23:51Hello, Ray.
23:53Listen, mate, I've been thinking about getting a mortgage.
23:56Would you raise my best bet, an endowment or a repayment?
23:59Oh, dear, he's off again.
24:01Oh, I'm ashamed.
24:05I'm sorry if you can't see the difference.
24:07I'm slightly tied up with silk scarves in a sensuous way
24:10and wanting to smear Sue Lawley in lard
24:12and ride her bear back through the Wandsworth one-way system.
24:15What on earth is wrong with that?
24:17Well, for a start, none of your fantasies included me.
24:20Well, I could have you, could I?
24:22What's the point of having a fantasy about somebody you can have?
24:25Be like Nick in a cart and go joyriding in
24:27and choosing a lovely old Morris Minor.
24:31Yeah, well, I only included you in my fantasies
24:33so I knew you'd be cheesed off if I put Mel Gibson.
24:35I don't even like Mel Gibson.
24:37Well, he do, believe me. Anyway, what do I know?
24:39I'm just a lovely old Morris Minor.
24:41Tony, if you're going to go to the trouble of faking a hideous, bloody death,
24:44try and disguise the smell of tomato ketchup.
24:48It was meant for Deborah, actually.
24:50I left a note on her door saying that if she let Ray stay one more night,
24:53I'd kill meself. I'm expecting her down here any minute, begging me to reconsider.
24:56Ray spent the night with Deborah? Yeah.
24:59It's all right, though, because he came in the crown, you see,
25:02and me and Les fed him some dodgy lager.
25:04All night, brilliant.
25:07So how was the weekend in the country? Oh, it was lovely.
25:10Till I discovered my boyfriend was sexually unhinged, it went a bit downhill.
25:15Had any mishaps while I was away? Of course not.
25:17KNOCK AT DOOR
25:18It's open.
25:23Dorothy, can you come and have a look at Ray? I don't know what's wrong with him.
25:26Well, why don't you ask Tony?
25:30Ray's only got a mild tummy ache. I've got an open chest wound.
25:33Tony, did you switch the fish tank off?
25:36Of course not. I'm not stupid. They're probably just...snoozing.
25:40Gary!
25:42Oh.
25:43What did Dorothy mean, ask Tony?
25:46Oh, come on, Deborah. He's a horrible bloke.
25:49I only gave him some dodgy lager. Anyone would have done the same.
25:53Look, I just...couldn't stand you sleeping together.
25:57I did it so you'd go out with me.
25:59Go out with me, Dad, please.
26:01I'd go out with you if you were the last man in the universe
26:04and I was the last woman, and the survival of the human race
26:07depended on us for all eternity.
26:09Do you know, I'm getting mixed signals here, actually, Dad.
26:13Yes?
26:14Well, everything seems to be in order, doesn't it?
26:20I knew I unplugged something.
26:32Shall I go and get some chips to go with that?
26:41Did you nick anything from your hotel, then?
26:43Of course not.
26:46What?
26:48Apart from these towels.
26:51Yeah, well, that's all right, isn't it, cos they expect that sort of thing.
26:54Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:56And, er...
26:58And, er...
27:01this towel rail.
27:04Still, nicking is nicking, innit, mate?
27:07Oh, I'm not proud of myself.
27:10Nor would I be.
27:12So I was a bit upset to find that I'd unbolted this
27:16from the front of Ray's car.
27:18Oh, that is upsetting.
27:20Yeah.
27:22And this.
27:25Phil, you'll probably see the funny side of it.
27:28Yeah.
27:32Sorry for electrocuting the old fish.
27:35That's all right.
27:37I think they were bored anyway.
27:45I think I'm going to get off the bed.
27:47I don't think Dorothy's coming back, is she?
27:49Nah. Still, I think it was worth trying the old amputated leg ruse, don't you?
27:53Oh, yes!
27:58Oh!
28:00Goodnight. Night-night, mate.