First broadcast 13th July 1985.
Whilst Gary and Deborah are both away for the weekend Dorothy and Tony are left alone together.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Audrey Teesdale ... Woman in pub
Beryl Vertue ... Woman in Pub
Whilst Gary and Deborah are both away for the weekend Dorothy and Tony are left alone together.
Martin Clunes ... Gary
Neil Morrissey ... Tony
Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy
Leslie Ash ... Deborah
Ian Lindsay ... George
Valerie Minifie ... Anthea
Audrey Teesdale ... Woman in pub
Beryl Vertue ... Woman in Pub
Category
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TVTranscript
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06:10Oh, Jesus, that's it.
06:12I'm sending you both on a business training course this weekend.
06:16I'm going on a course myself this weekend.
06:18Mine will be one long round of delirious pleasures,
06:21probably involving a certain element of sexual fulfilment.
06:24Yours, however, will be a gruelling lesson in modern business techniques,
06:27probably involving a good slapping.
06:29Here's one.
06:31Um, I can't go away this weekend.
06:34Marjorie and I are having some creosote delivered.
06:38I'm planning to reorganise my apron drawer.
06:42Hello, your course this weekend,
06:44Assertiveness and Interactive Strategies in the Business Workplace.
06:47Would you have any vacancies for a couple of rather nervous underachievers?
06:53It's you again, isn't it?
06:55Isn't it you?
06:57Oh, God!
06:59Oh, God!
07:05It's the end of your night, that's your little bastard.
07:08LAUGHTER
07:13Oh, God.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:25LAUGHTER
07:29LAUGHTER
07:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
07:59LAUGHTER
08:15LAUGHTER
08:23HE SCREAMS
08:30HE SCREAMS
08:35HE SCREAMS
08:39HE SCREAMS
08:43HE SCREAMS
08:47HE WHIMPERS
08:54Hello?
08:57Can I speak to Dorothy, please?
09:01Dorothy.
09:04D-O...
09:06Oh, Giggies.
09:09That's his dog.
09:13G-O-G.
09:17G, like G-R.
09:20Yeah.
09:23Like, Dorothy, you are!
09:25I'm in pain!
09:27Dorothy!
09:29Dorothy!
09:32Hello, Dorothy.
09:36I just pulled my tooth out.
09:39And I wondered if you could bring me some really strong pain killers
09:43from the hospital after your shift.
09:46Yeah.
09:48I'm feeling a bit faint.
09:52I think I'm going to have a bit of a lie down.
09:55Er...
09:57Bye.
10:07Oh, God, you get all sorts on these courses, don't you?
10:10Look at that prick, banging on.
10:13Yes, well, I'm actually of the opinion that Agatha Christie
10:16is in reality a post-modernist literary genius.
10:19What's your opinion on this post-modernist chair leg
10:21I'm about to ram through your throat, you big git?
10:25Scary chair.
10:28There's always two mad old biddies, aren't there?
10:31Have you noticed?
10:33Overspill from the train spotter's course?
10:38They seem very nice.
10:40I'll probably be going back to their room later for a chat.
10:43Well, you can count me out.
10:45I'm going up to work on my short story for tomorrow.
10:48I'll finish mine.
10:50Really? That's quick. Let's have a look.
11:00Barry was in his early 30s and blonde.
11:04The kind of blonde that made people with brown hair really jealous of.
11:10Barry's best friend was Toby.
11:14Toby.
11:18They were like chalk and cheese.
11:21Really different.
11:23The chalkiest chalk as opposed to the cheesiest cheese.
11:29One day, Toby accidentally shampooed his hair in blur.
11:35Bleach.
11:37Bleach. Making his hair blonde.
11:40Not so different now, Toby O'Kind.
11:44We could almost be brothers.
11:47Like those two who used to be in the group Bross.
11:53It's a bit short, isn't it?
11:55It's a short story, isn't it?
11:57Where's the characterisation? The plot development?
12:01The theme? The twist in the tale?
12:03Why don't I bring it up to your room later and we can brush a few pointers up?
12:08No. Why don't you phone Dorothy and tell her how much you're missing her?
12:13She'll understand. We have an arrangement.
12:16You arranged to try it on with every girl you meet?
12:19Good one.
12:21I think Dorothy understands that sometimes, in the heat of literary creativity,
12:26people can get carried away.
12:28Sometimes, sadly, people do things with other people,
12:32like rubbing their private parts together and so on.
12:38And I feel sure that should anything happen,
12:41Dorothy would understand that it meant as little to me as posting a letter.
12:46Except it would last a bit longer, hopefully.
12:49Of course, I wouldn't use a letter.
12:52And a slot that you'd be blowing out.
13:02Is the pain gone?
13:04Yeah, cheers. Are there any side effects?
13:07Um...
13:09Yeah, yeah, apparently any moment now you'll start to believe
13:12that you're a member of the Swedish royal family.
13:17It's weird, isn't it, Gary not being here?
13:20Quite nice.
13:23Why?
13:27You're not happy with him?
13:29Well, would you be happy going out with a cross between Oliver Reed and Forrest Gump?
13:35I don't know, I wouldn't mind.
13:37Probably get on quite well.
13:39Might as well want anything complicated.
13:42Just the birthday card instead of a sorry-I-forgot-your-birthday card.
13:46To go on holiday with someone who doesn't sit on the beach
13:49and divide the women up into totty and non-totty.
13:54I'm experimenting with celibacy at the moment.
13:56Yeah, how's it going?
13:58Well, that's not natural, is it?
14:00That's why they put the sex organs at the front.
14:02Keep reminding you to have sex.
14:04Instead of tucking them way behind.
14:06You know, where you can't see them, just above your bottom.
14:09So, still not getting it together with Deborah?
14:12Nah, asked her out again the other day.
14:14It's painful getting rejected, you know?
14:16Mm, I know. Where did you invite her?
14:19Jelly wrestling.
14:23That'll be women in bikinis wrestling in jelly, presumably.
14:27Down at the bear. You might have seen the posters.
14:29You, the knight and the jelly.
14:33I'm not asking her out again, though.
14:35She ain't going to ask me out again, so I suppose that's it.
14:39Still, Saturday night, eh?
14:42Just think of it. All over the world, billions of people are snuggling up.
14:48Right this moment, half a million German women are being fondled.
14:54Frightening.
14:57As we speak, enough Parisian men to fill Wembley Stadium
15:02are lying in beds with their bottoms going up and down.
15:09Have you missed your last bus home?
15:13I think I have, actually.
15:15Is the door locked?
15:17Yes.
15:27HE MUMBLES
15:39No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
15:43Wait!
15:47Now, is this a good idea?
15:51Yeah.
15:54There's some exercise in there.
15:56HE MUMBLES
15:59Yeah, yeah.
16:10Oh, God.
16:24Um, Dorothy, did you remember last night...
16:27I don't want to talk about it. It didn't happen.
16:30Oh, Gary's my best mate.
16:32Well, maybe you should have thought about that last night
16:35when you were whispering sweet nothings to me,
16:37like, blimey, this is a turn-up for the book.
16:43What about you?
16:45I don't know.
16:47I had a lethal cocktail of drink and drugs inside me.
16:49I didn't know what I was doing.
16:51You seemed to know exactly what you were doing as it happened.
16:58Did I?
17:00So I was pretty good, then?
17:04No, I don't know at all.
17:06I don't want to talk about it. This is horrible.
17:08Are we going to have to tell him?
17:10Yeah, of course we are.
17:12I thought we could also take out an ad in The Independent on Sunday.
17:16Tony and Dorothy wished to announce
17:18that they had sex together several times on Saturday night.
17:21Dorothy wishes to be branded a trollop
17:23and dragged in shame from the streets of London
17:25on some sort of carty thing.
17:28So you don't think...?
17:30No, I don't think we should tell him.
17:32Why? That ashamed, are you?
17:39No.
17:41No.
17:43I enjoyed it.
17:46It's like waking up in the morning
17:48and finding that you've eaten a whole box of chocolates.
17:53Thanks.
18:00You were really excellent.
18:05Really?
18:10Was I OK?
18:12Brilliant.
18:16LAUGHTER
18:20What was that?
18:22It can't be Gary. He's not due back till tonight.
18:24You'll never guess what happened!
18:26LAUGHTER
18:30I can't believe it!
18:35It was fantastic!
18:37One of them got down for GBH
18:39and the other one's been taken into custody.
18:42So we were all sent home with a refund.
18:44Quite glad to be back, actually.
18:46You awake?
18:48No, I'm sleeping!
18:50With no-one else in here!
18:52You all right?
18:55Hello, matey.
18:57Matey. How's your tooth?
18:59Tooth, what? Tooth up on my nose?
19:01Oh, my tooth.
19:03I pulled it out.
19:05So what did you do last night?
19:07Oh, you know, reading, pub, bath, television, pub, whatever.
19:10What did you use those for, then?
19:12Bath hats?
19:16I've got to hand it to you, son.
19:18I don't know how you do it.
19:20Right place, right time, I suppose.
19:22What's she like?
19:24I can't remember. It was dark.
19:26Where have you hidden her?
19:28She had to leave early.
19:30She's...her milkman.
19:34On a Sunday?
19:36Yeah, you're right.
19:38Actually, she's still under me.
19:45She's very, very shy.
19:54That's Dorothy's shirt.
19:56No, it isn't.
20:04Hello.
20:08Hello.
20:27I have a problem, George.
20:29There are no problems, only challenges.
20:33Something terrible has happened.
20:35Let's utilise it as a jumping-off point, shall we?
20:42I've been working on some new targets and strategies on the train.
20:45George, you always fall asleep on the train.
20:47You're known as Mr Snoozy from East Croydon.
20:51My personal goals were insufficiently focused.
20:53With the result, the dual...
20:55George, shut your face.
20:58I'm upset. I've got a personal crisis on my hands.
21:01The effective manager does not let his or her
21:04domestic situation prejudice his or her commercial performance.
21:08I'm going to thump you.
21:11Anthea, thank God this business cause
21:13has turned George into a speaking weight machine.
21:16I think fear of change is at the heart of your misgivings.
21:19Bloody hell. Look, just sit down.
21:26Dorothy slept with Tony while I...
21:29Put the pad down, Anthea.
21:34Dorothy slept with Tony while I was away.
21:38I don't know what to do.
21:40I don't want to split up with her.
21:43Tony seems really sorry, you know, but...
21:46How can I share a flat with someone who's done that?
21:49I'm sorry. This is not in our job description.
21:53I'm worried that in your current mindset
21:55you're ill-equipped to provide a meaningful agenda.
21:58You'll excuse me. I must dictate
22:00some new draft business proposals to my colleague.
22:05LAUGHTER
22:11Oh, it's you.
22:13You all right? Why? What have you heard?
22:17Gary left one of his bags in my car.
22:19It sounds like coach hangers.
22:22Thanks.
22:25LAUGHTER
22:33Are you sure you're all right?
22:35Yeah, just had a lot on over this weekend.
22:38That's what you're up to?
22:40Has he sent you round to check up on me?
22:42Gary!
22:44What's going on between you two?
22:46I...
22:48used something of his.
22:51His?
22:53Eggs.
22:55He says he's going to stab me in the back with our bread knife
22:58and I'll repeatedly jump off the table
23:00onto my balls wearing his climbing boots.
23:02Bit of an overreaction?
23:04No, no, he's well within his rights, actually.
23:07Well, anyway, I wondered if you wanted to go out one day next week.
23:11You're always asking me out and I'm always saying no,
23:14and I suddenly thought,
23:16you're not such a bad guy after all.
23:19I'm not going out with women any more, they're too dangerous.
23:31Hello.
23:33Oh, hello.
23:35Pull up a bed.
23:37Sorry, I mean...
23:39I mean chair.
23:41I'll make you a nice hot brimming cup of libido.
23:44Sorry, I mean coffee.
23:46Oh, Gary.
23:49I'm sorry.
23:52Tony and me...
23:57We're just in a funny mood.
23:59Really?
24:02I must remember to be in a funny mood next time I'm offered sex.
24:06Excuse me, Gary, my boyfriend's gone away for a nanosecond.
24:09Would you shake me brains out?
24:11I'll have to check if I'm in a funny mood.
24:13Yes, I am. Jump on.
24:19If there's any consolation, he's not my type.
24:22Oh.
24:24I shudder to think what you'd have done if he was your type.
24:27Offered yourself up as a living sacrifice, presumably.
24:30Look, you have to admit that your motives for going away
24:33weren't entirely innocent.
24:35That is an outrageous accusation.
24:41Maybe we shouldn't go out together any more.
24:44No.
24:46You don't get off that lightly.
24:50You'll go out with me until you bloody well start enjoying it.
24:57Did you enjoy it?
25:02No.
25:05He's what? Pretty crap, I imagine.
25:09Oh, completely.
25:11Must be embarrassing for him,
25:13sharing a flat with someone who knows he's shite in bed.
25:16You don't have to say anything to him.
25:18No. No.
25:21I, um...
25:23I bought you a little peace offering.
25:26Thanks. What is it?
25:28Something for the long nights at home.
25:33War and peace? Oh, well, plenty to enjoy there.
25:38A whoopee cushion? Thanks.
25:42Well, I know that your other two are wearing out, so...
25:56Oh, well, I judged that, Theo.
25:59Oh, well, I judged that, Theo.
26:06Oh, it's a bit fair, I think.
26:30Sorry, mate.
26:33No problem.
26:37Look, next time I get a girlfriend,
26:39I'll explain the situation to her, if she's willing,
26:42any time you want to have a lend.
26:49It didn't mean anything, honest.
26:52We were just a bit... out of it.
26:56Out of it?
26:58That probably would have affected your performance, then, wouldn't it?
27:01What? Oh...
27:04Yeah.
27:07Would you say you were averagely pathetic or totally useless?
27:13Totally useless.
27:16Mm-hm.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:44So, does Dorothy always do that little thing where she...
27:47Tony, Tony, no!
27:49LAUGHTER
27:54Yeah, she does, actually.
27:58Funny old business, isn't it?
28:00Yeah. Hops, load of water, boil it up and Bob's your uncle.
28:05Not lager, Tony, sex.
28:07Oh, sex, yeah.
28:09I mean, we blokes, we think about it all the time.
28:12Talk about it a lot.
28:14Do it quite a bit, as you know.
28:17Yeah, well...
28:19And yet it's just a little tiny word.
28:22Tiny, yeah.
28:24Takes no time at all to say.
28:26Sex.
28:28See, you start saying it and immediately you finish saying it.
28:37APPLAUSE
28:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE