Men Behaving Badly. S01 E05. Sex & Violence.

deaddogsmoking

First broadcast 17th March 1992.  During a squash game Gary catches Dorothy with another man. Later Dermot invites Deborah to a romantic dinner.  Harry Enfield ... Dermot Martin Clunes ... Gary Leslie Ash ... Deborah Caroline Quentin ... Dorothy Dave Atkins ... Les Cristina Avery ... Joy (as Christina Avery) Peter Doran ... Graham Christopher Owen ... Mr. Swallow Phil Willmott ... Jeremy Bostock (as Phil Wilmott) Mark Adams ... Mike Gary Rice ... Gordon Felicity Goodeson ... Married Woman Noriko Aida ... Delivery Girl

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08:41Your wife.

08:51Hi.

08:53I'm Gary.

08:56Playing squash.

09:00Great legs.

09:02Yeah.

09:08Yep.

09:23And I, uh...

09:25I always get so lonely in the shower.

09:29My hair, of course.

09:31It's soft and gentle.

09:36Thanks.

09:44So, wish to borrow some money, do you, you snivelling little bankrupt?

09:55I'll have fish.

10:00Meow.

10:15Sorry to keep you.

10:18Just finding your details.

10:23Looks like rain.

10:30So...

10:32You want to borrow some money, do you?

10:34Yes, please.

10:35What do you intend spending it on?

10:37Friday night.

10:43Could you be more specific?

10:45Well, does it really matter?

10:47Oh, yes. I'll need some details if I'm going to lend you the bank's money.

10:50All right.

10:52It's this woman upstairs who needs some money.

10:55Well, in that case, I think it's best if she applies for the loan herself.

10:58No, she doesn't know she needs it.

11:02This all seems rather ill-conceived.

11:05Well, I only want a few hundred.

11:08You must have some stashed away somewhere.

11:11For a rainy day?

11:13No.

11:15Well, what about if I took a loan to buy a car?

11:19Yes, that could possibly be done.

11:21Great. Well, let's do that, then.

11:24You wouldn't be planning to sell the car shortly after buying it, would you?

11:28Yeah.

11:30I'm afraid that's not allowed.

11:33All right.

11:35I'm in love with this woman, and I need to buy her a few things.

11:39To quote the immortal words,

11:41money can't buy me love.

11:44Can't buy me love.

11:48Money can't buy me love.

11:53Yes, well...

11:55I'm sorry.

11:57Well, never mind.

11:59Well, goodbye.

12:05I don't think he's warmed up enough to go back in there.

12:15Ah, waiter.

12:17There's a fly in my soup.

12:20Come to think of it, there's something pretty super in my fly as well.

12:27Don't make things difficult, Gary.

12:30She'll be here in a minute.

12:32Don't worry me. I'm going out.

12:34Well, where are you going to go?

12:36I thought I'd just sit in the pub and watch Les scratch his ex-wife.

12:40I didn't think you'd fall apart like this

12:42just because Dorothy's seen some other bloke.

12:44I haven't fallen apart.

12:46I'm in a state of flux.

12:49I'm like a tightly-coiled chrysalis about to burst on the world.

12:53Well, could you do your pupating somewhere other than the draining room?

12:57It's handy for the fridge.

12:59Give Dorothy a ring.

13:03I wonder what she's doing now.

13:05Listen, there's no point in you sitting there

13:08torturing yourself with images of Dorothy

13:11bouncing up and down on something.

13:15Thanks very much. I wasn't.

13:19Anyway, get off that chair. I need it for the guitarist.

13:21What guitarist?

13:23I've got a flamenco player coming tonight. Les booked him.

13:25What's his name?

13:27Jeremy.

13:28Oh, that's very Spanish.

13:30Well, he's probably anglicised it. It's probably Jeremy.

13:32Oh, yeah. What's his surname?

13:34Ostock.

13:35Smashing.

13:36Poor Debra. She's only just split up with Mike.

13:39She'll run out screaming if you come on at her like...

13:42Paul Daniels on heat.

13:45It's a surprise for her.

13:47She's only expecting a cup of tea and a wagon wheel.

13:50Lend us a fiver for some beer.

13:52No.

13:53Oh, all right. I might just have to stay in then and do my feet.

13:57All right.

13:59Here's 20 quid, all right?

14:08Hi.

14:09Dermot.

14:11Why?

14:12Why what?

14:13You're not dressed normally.

14:16Oh, this old thing. I just take it out now and again for an airing.

14:21Oh, hi, Gary. Aren't you staying?

14:23Yeah, all right.

14:25No, I'm not. I'm sorry. Have a nice evening.

14:33Welcome.

14:35Oh, Dermot, this isn't going to work.

14:37Drink?

14:39I always find a gin and tonic slips down nicely this time in the evening.

14:43Do you?

14:49Ice and slice?

14:51Please.

14:57Ice's a bit soft, I'm afraid.

15:00Oh, Dermot, this is stupid. I've only just split up with Mike.

15:04I'm just showing you what it'd be like if you went out with me.

15:07Days like this...

15:09How long would the flowers last?

15:11A week?

15:13A month?

15:16They'd last forever.

15:18They're plastic.

15:30Takeover meal for Mr and Mrs Povey?

15:32You're early.

15:34No, it's half past seven.

15:36I thought you'd come with a flamenco guitarist.

15:39No, prawn fritters, special sushi.

15:42Oh, excuse me, since when was sushi Spanish?

15:45No, Japanese food.

15:47But I ordered it from a restaurant called the Hasta Mañana.

15:50No, it's under new management.

15:52The Hasta Mañana closed down.

15:54Food poisoning.

15:56Many dead.

16:01What did you say this was again?

16:03Tofu stick.

16:05Raw cuttlefish and horseradish.

16:07Hmm.

16:09That's the good thing about Japanese food, isn't it? You can't go wrong.

16:12How do you know I liked it?

16:14Intuition.

16:17Who normally cooks? You or Gary?

16:20Gary. He's quite adventurous sometimes.

16:23The other night he did something with peanut butter.

16:26Satay?

16:28No, I think it was Friday.

16:33You know, I do appreciate what you're doing.

16:36I mean, you could have just tried to grab me on the stairs.

16:40Why didn't you tell me?

16:44No, Dermot, it wasn't a suggestion.

16:47Oh.

16:50Merci, urchin.

16:54Get ready to really relax.

16:57What?

16:59A chum of mine has done up a place just like this.

17:02Would you like me to give him a ring?

17:04No, this place has already been done, thank you.

17:06You must be the lucky little lady I've come about.

17:09The what?

17:11This is Jeremy, our authentic Spanish guitar player.

17:15Could I have a glass?

17:19Now, I just need to clear a bit of room on the table.

17:23Excuse me.

17:25Isn't that an organ?

17:27A lot of people say that.

17:29Yeah, that's because it's an organ.

17:31Yes, but this is really fiendish, watch.

17:33By flicking this little toggle chappy, I can change from basic organ...

17:37to piano...

17:41to flamenco guitar.

17:46That's uncanny.

17:48It's like having an orchestra in a box, isn't it?

17:50Not really.

17:52Don't mind me, you just carry on.

17:57Excuse me, would you mind?

18:02Thank you.

18:04Right, I think you're really going to like this one.

18:23Maybe we should let him back in.

18:27I was thinking of putting him out in the shed.

18:33Sorry, clipped a toggle by mistake.

18:36These are flugelhorns, by the way.

18:39They're lovely.

18:41I think I'll send him home.

18:45Ah, bit of a problem.

18:47Anybody got a flugelhorn?

18:49Ah, bit of a problem.

18:51Anybody got a screwdriver?

18:53No.

18:58Have you had enough to drink?

19:01You think I'd let you get this close if I were sober?

19:12Oh, don't spoil it, Dermot.

19:14I'm not, this is the natural position for my arm.

19:19Is this your idea of seduction?

19:21Yeah.

19:23Now, when I say go, you put your tongue in my ear.

19:29And what will you say when you want me to stop?

19:31I don't think I said anything about stopping, now did I?

19:36I think there's somebody at the door.

19:41I'm looking for somebody called Debbie.

19:44Debbie, Debbie.

19:46Now, how do you be spelling that?

19:48Big do, is it?

19:50Yeah, yeah.

19:51Already had to turn Sir Alistair Burnett away for not bringing a bottle for him.

19:54No, it's you.

19:56Oh, that Debbie.

19:58She said she had a couple of wise guys living downstairs.

20:04Hello, Deb.

20:06Dermot, this is Mike.

20:08I think we should go up to your flat and talk.

20:10We've already talked.

20:14What are all these flowers for?

20:16Well, Dermot's been trying to get my mind off of what you've been getting up to.

20:25Do you want to make something of it?

20:29All right, so I've been a bad boy, but I'm back now. Surely we can talk about this.

20:34Not now, Dermot.

20:38Right, time for a bit of a break, eh?

20:41Oh, look, Mike, I don't trust you.

20:44Will somebody get him out of here?

20:46Listen, pal, I think it's you she wants to leave, all right?

20:49I mean, I'm only guessing.

20:52All right, you two, pull your pants up, that'll do.

20:54Oh, for God's sake.

20:56Who's this?

20:57Gary, this is Mike.

20:59Mike? Well, you're Mike.

21:01Naughty Mike.

21:06You've been working abroad, haven't you?

21:08Or should I say several broads?

21:10Mike, don't.

21:12Are you all right, mate?

21:13I've had a bit of a row with my birds, so I know what you're going through.

21:16Yeah, well...

21:17You're going through women like there's no tomorrow, don't you?

21:26So, what happened after he nutted you?

21:29Well, somebody said any chance of a fill-up.

21:32I think that was Jeremy.

21:35Then I was sick on Deborah's shoes.

21:38Then Deborah threw Mike out.

21:40And I was sick on her shoes again.

21:43Poor old thing.

21:45He sounded so pathetic on the phone.

21:47Hope you weren't putting it on.

21:49No, I am genuinely pathetic.

21:52True.

21:54Thanks for coming.

21:56Does Graham mind?

21:59Actually, I'm...

22:01not seeing him any more.

22:03Oh, well, he was a dull little git, wasn't he?

22:06Well, we didn't have a lot in common.

22:08It's hard to spend a candlelit evening

22:10with someone whose two main topics of conversation

22:12are barge holidays and bowel disorders.

22:15And his taste in music.

22:18Put a record on.

22:19Yeah?

22:20What do you fancy?

22:24Barry White.

22:29Hello, Dermot.

22:30I've been hearing about your romantic evening.

22:33Yeah, it went all right.

22:34Except for the food, the drink, the organist,

22:36the violence and the vomiting.

22:40Gary?

22:42Where's your hi-fi?

22:43Here.

22:44Ah.

22:45I'm afraid I had to pawn it to pay for last night.

22:49You what?

22:50Sorry.

22:52Never mind, though.

22:53I made alternative arrangements

22:55for entertainment for the next few days.

22:57These are flugelhorns, by the way.

23:27Thank you.

23:57¶¶

Transcript

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