Taskmaster - S18 E06 - A Dance as Old as Time Itself
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Sigh...
00:02Aargh!
00:08Woo!
00:13Scream!
00:16Do I have something to say?
00:19Scream!
00:21Aargh!
00:23Applause
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hello! Thank you.
00:36Welcome to Taskmaster,
00:38the buckshot in the blunderbuss of entertainment.
00:41Let's see if we can't fire our contestants
00:44into the farmer's bottom of laughs.
00:46Here they are!
00:47They're Andy Zoltzmann!
00:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:50Barbara Tunde-Laschet!
00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:53Emma Finney!
00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:56Jackie!
00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58And Rosie Jones!
00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:02And next to me, a man who believes
01:05that anyone over the age of 70
01:07should have their driving licences revoked.
01:09As he puts it,
01:10if you can't get a bit of shortbread into your gob,
01:13you shouldn't be reverse parking.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:16Big little Alex Horne!
01:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:20Hi.
01:23Greg, I'm so sorry to do this.
01:25What's happened?
01:26Nothing's happened.
01:27I just need to verify you're not a robot.
01:29There's a lot of it about.
01:30So here are some ticks.
01:31There we go.
01:32Just put that into a square.
01:34Wherever you see a motorbike.
01:36So, there's the image.
01:38If you see a motorbike,
01:40pop a tick on any square with a motorbike.
01:43I'm obviously a robot cos there are no motorbikes.
01:45Well, robots would be able to spot if there was a motorbike.
01:53I'd love to have a fight with you.
01:55I'd love to have an actual fight with you.
02:02Right.
02:04On with the prize task.
02:06What have they been asked to bring in this week?
02:08Well, this one is tantalising for me, Greg,
02:10because they've been asked to bring in
02:12the most fun thing to put in Alex's pocket
02:15without him knowing.
02:17So some things have been put in my admin jacket without me knowing.
02:20It's up to Greg to decide which is the most fun thing
02:23and the person responsible will pocket five points.
02:25The winner of the episode will take home all the things
02:27that have been in my pockets.
02:28OK, Andy, what do you think's the most fun thing
02:30to put in Alex's pocket?
02:32Alex, it's in your top left arm pocket.
02:34Here she comes.
02:36Ah, it's the elixir of eternal life.
02:39Yeah.
02:40Wow.
02:41Yeah, thought it might be quite fun.
02:43Inside it's got egg, bat shitium,
02:46dolphin spludge.
02:48Wow.
02:49Should I...?
02:50I think the real test of the fun is you drinking it.
02:52That's the dolphin, I suppose.
02:57Mmm.
02:58It smells dirty. Right.
03:00How much, what's the...?
03:01Well, it depends.
03:02For eternal life, you have to do the whole bottle.
03:05I thought I was smelling it before.
03:07Yeah.
03:08Oh, yeah, it's definitely the whole bottle, isn't it?
03:11I don't know.
03:13Oh, no.
03:16ALL GROAN
03:18Mmm.
03:19Oh, there he is.
03:21There he is.
03:26Well, I've got to say, Andy, that was a lot of fun.
03:28Good, yeah, I thought so. That was very strong.
03:30Thank you. Baba, can you beat eternal life?
03:33I hope so.
03:34Check your bottom left pocket.
03:36Pop it out.
03:37Here it comes.
03:38Read it.
03:39Read it.
03:40It's a key ring, which you know I like.
03:42Yeah.
03:43Well, what is it?
03:44So far, so disappointed.
03:46Listen, I'm going to tell you right now,
03:49I don't care for what you want to do.
03:51I know.
03:53This is for me and my brethren right here.
03:56Me and him, we made friends, we made a tight bond,
03:59and this is for him, and this is something we found fun.
04:02It says,
04:03Big up yourself all day, every day.
04:05Every single day.
04:07Every single day.
04:08You see?
04:09Big up yourself all day, every day.
04:11I love that.
04:12So now when you look at your keys,
04:14are you going to read that and are you going to big yourself up?
04:17Big up yourself all day, every day.
04:20My God.
04:21And also, you've got a lot of days now that you've just...
04:26It's quite a fun thing to put in Alex's pocket.
04:28OK, yeah.
04:29Jack? Yeah?
04:30Did you put a fun thing in Alex's pocket? Yes.
04:32I think it's in your... the right-hand pocket down below.
04:35Yeah. Oh.
04:36So, in the world of sport, which I know a lot about,
04:39the injuries are all too common.
04:41All too common.
04:42And I thought, why not make an invention that will warn you
04:46if you're over-exercising, OK?
04:49If you would stand up for a second. Of course.
04:51So, can I just ask you to raise your right leg up,
04:54your right knee up.
04:55Good. So, no problems there?
04:57Absolutely fine.
04:58Can you...
05:00Yeah, bend over and touch your toes for me.
05:02Yeah, yeah.
05:06If you would try again, please.
05:13Oh, there we go.
05:16Oh, I can taste that one.
05:19It's very good, Jack.
05:21Emma, what have you put in Alex's pocket?
05:23OK.
05:24Top right arm pocket.
05:28There it is. Ooh!
05:29This is a QR code. I love them.
05:31Fine.
05:32If you were to scan this QR code,
05:34you get two tickets to see Bon Jovi tribute band Rong Jovi
05:39play on the 19th of October in Basildon.
05:42Are you serious?
05:44Yes!
05:46These guys rock, all right?
05:50I've seen them three times, if you include my wedding.
05:54I've got an E-ticket, sorry.
05:56Yeah, yeah. It worked.
05:58It's not Alex is going, it's the person who wins.
06:01Yeah. So it could be one of you guys.
06:03There's two tickets, I could...
06:05Yeah, you can come as well, yeah.
06:07Maybe they're on my iPad.
06:09And it means tonight...
06:11I mean, I think it does sound fun,
06:13but I don't think anyone else in the room does.
06:16Rosie Jones, what have you brought in and put in Alex's pocket?
06:29It was an ice cube, but this has taken quite a while,
06:32so it's now quite a few ice cubes.
06:34My leg's quite wet.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:46It's multiple layer bullying.
06:50And you'll get nothing but praise from me.
06:55Here's my thinking.
06:57Ice, fart machine, very funny, quite root one.
07:01Why match with perfection?
07:08She's right, they're classics,
07:10but I'm going to give them three points each.
07:12I'm taking a bet on... Wrong Jovi,
07:14because they might be dog shit.
07:17And, honestly, if they are shit,
07:19I still think whoever goes will find that funny.
07:21But I'm going to match that,
07:23because I've really found it fun you bigging yourself up.
07:26And I don't think you do big yourself up enough.
07:28Really? You know why?
07:30Because I think you're a penis.
07:34I'm going to give that four points.
07:36And the truth is, I had the most fun
07:38watching you drink Andy's elixir.
07:40I don't even know what's in it,
07:42but that's what gets the five points.
07:44Four to Barbara and Emma, five to Andy's Osborne.
07:46There you go.
07:49Right, let's get stuck in and on with the task.
07:52Oh, you don't beat around the bush, do you, Greg?
07:54Blimey, calm down.
07:55First up, then, a spot of...
07:59..indoor train track fishing.
08:03MUSIC PLAYS
08:10MUSIC STOPS
08:20Emma? Hello.
08:24Oh, my gosh!
08:26I just want to hop over and get that.
08:33There we go.
08:35That would do it. I could probably reach that.
08:40Must be a quicker way.
08:42There would have been if you'd just put it on the table.
08:44That would have been quicker.
08:46Right.
08:47Put one fish in the frying pan.
08:51Dottiest fish wins.
08:56What's a dotty fish?
09:01Your task ends when you put a fish in the frying pan.
09:04You have 15 minutes. Your time starts now.
09:08Dottiest fish.
09:10That's what he wants.
09:11He loves his dotty fish.
09:13I apologise, cos I...
09:15I thought that that was just a device for this thing,
09:18and there's more to it.
09:28I will never tire of Jack's boredom of this.
09:33Why does this suddenly have to be difficult?
09:36I just want to get stuck into it. That's what I want.
09:38OK, we're going to start with two people who each have two vowels
09:41and two consonants, but no dots yet.
09:43It's Baba and Emma. Here we go.
09:47All right, time to go fishing.
09:50Swing, Baba. Swing.
09:53Yeah, go. Get in.
09:56You caught a fish?
09:58Yeah, I have.
10:00But the thing is...
10:02HE SCREAMS
10:08Dottiest. Dottiest fish. Dottiest fish.
10:14That's a bin.
10:19Come here. Come on. That's right.
10:22Oh, no, you little punk.
10:26Your mum.
10:29Come on, bro.
10:31Come here. Three.
10:34Dottiest fish. Mm-hm.
10:36Two.
10:43That one's so dotty.
10:46Oh, well, that's the end of the task.
10:48Oh, I'm gutted.
10:50There could be one down there that's even dottier.
10:52Yeah.
10:55HE LAUGHS
10:57All right.
10:59Oh, Baba, your technique.
11:01Careful.
11:03Yes! Oh, my days, yes!
11:05Look at me. I am the man. I am the man.
11:08I am the frigging man. Look at that, bro.
11:10Look at that.
11:12Bow in your face.
11:14I dare anyone to find a fish with more dots than me.
11:24Quite a contrast in styles there.
11:26I don't know anyone who could bring that sort of energy
11:29to fishing for dotty fish.
11:33Look, man, sometimes when you win,
11:35you've just got to yell, brap, you know what I'm saying?
11:38You've got to big up yourself all day, every day.
11:40Exactly. Big up yourself. Do it again.
11:42Big up yourself. Yes.
11:44Quite a contrast with you.
11:46You spent a lot of time debating what dotty meant,
11:49and then when you found a dotty fish under the pan,
11:52your instinct was to pop it in the pan like a 1950s TV cook.
11:56I was furious at myself.
11:58It was an instinct cos it was fastest, right?
12:01No, it was not fastest. It was most dots.
12:05You have 15 minutes.
12:07So Baba got 30 dots on his fish, Emma got...
12:0910.
12:13Break time now. Go.
12:15No, it's simple. Bye.
12:26Hello!
12:28Join us for the start of part two
12:30and the continuation of a fishing task.
12:32A dotty fishing task, Greg. Come on, man.
12:35They can place one fish in the pan
12:37and the fish with the most dots will gain the most points.
12:40Next up, it's Andy and Rosie.
12:42Down.
12:44Quite impressive technology, this, Alex.
12:46Just voice activated. Yeah, that's all it is.
12:48Right, down, down.
12:50Keep going down, mate.
12:55Can we open that for you?
13:02Three minutes gone.
13:06Cos I'm also an independent lady.
13:15LAUGHTER
13:17How dotty is it?
13:19Well, it's not dotty at all.
13:27Is there a pen? Is that a pen down there?
13:29There's something else on the track next to the fish.
13:39Are you going to remove that dot?
13:41I see.
13:43We're going to try and get whatever that red thing is down there.
13:47Oh, look at that.
13:49This is one of the most intrepid rescue missions
13:51I've ever been involved in.
13:53You've got four dots on your fish. You've got four minutes.
14:01OK.
14:03What have you caught?
14:05That could be quite useful.
14:07Right.
14:10That fish had how many dots?
14:12Three. Right.
14:16Six.
14:18Seven.
14:20You've got 20 seconds.
14:24You've put a fish in the frying pan.
14:28Task over. Congratulations.
14:32I reckon a bit of white wine sauce. Lovely.
14:40I mean, obviously, very effective over there.
14:42Yes.
14:44You must be thrilled, Andy.
14:46Well, I spent 20 years as a commercial, um, fisherman.
14:51And, um, also...
14:53Christ, I almost believed you.
14:57Look at me! Look at me!
14:59I've never done anything practical in my life!
15:03I spent half the time
15:06looking in them
15:08fucking useless bags.
15:13But you know who's to blame for that, don't you?
15:15Him! Him! Of course!
15:17So, Rosie managed to get a total of seven dots.
15:19Andy, 657.
15:22Because they were on both sides,
15:24they were also on the rim of the fish.
15:26You dotted the rim?
15:29The man's a professional.
15:31Who's next?
15:33Finally, here's a quick film about Jack
15:35having a great time.
15:38OK, so I'm lifting this round.
15:40Mm-hm.
15:42Lower it down, please. Yes.
15:44Keep going.
15:52Are any of these things magnetic?
15:54Said so on the packet.
15:58OK, lift it up, please.
16:00Bring it up a little bit.
16:02Up and down. Stop, stop.
16:04No, stop.
16:06No.
16:08Up, down, stop.
16:10Forward a bit. Stop.
16:12Down.
16:14Down. Up, please.
16:16I see what you're trying to do.
16:18What? Yeah, I'm trying to get a fish in the frying pan.
16:20Yeah, great.
16:22Um, yeah.
16:24Down a bit.
16:26OK, try to bring that up. Up it comes, Jack.
16:28Yeah.
16:30Keep going.
16:32OK.
16:36Bring it down.
16:38So the task ends when the fish goes in the pan.
16:40Right, the task is over.
16:42Oh, yeah.
16:44How dotty is your fish, Jack?
16:46Oh.
16:50One dot.
16:52One dot.
16:56A little waste of time.
16:58APPLAUSE
17:00I mean, as you know, Jack,
17:02I try not to make ageist remarks.
17:04Do you?
17:06I just wrote down a generic summary
17:08of my view of the attempt, and it's this.
17:10Do you think it's time
17:12we got Grandad some special cutlery?
17:14LAUGHTER
17:18If the challenge had been the fewest dots...
17:20Oh, yeah, you'd smash it. ..you'd be looking at a champ.
17:22You're the People's Champion.
17:24Yeah.
17:26Well, you could go at that point...
17:28LAUGHTER
17:30..if you wanted to carry on.
17:32Points-wise, one point to Jack, it's two to Rosie with a seven,
17:34Emma, three points, Baba, four points with 30 dots,
17:36Andy, your six, five, seven dots,
17:38transfers into five points.
17:40Andy's also won, everyone, well done.
17:42APPLAUSE
17:44Can I see a scoreboard, please, young fellow, my lad?
17:46Jack is at the bottom of the leaderboard,
17:48but at the top it's Andy's also won with a full ten points.
17:50Wow.
17:52APPLAUSE
17:56That's a good line-up for me, Alex.
17:58Always, Greg.
18:00And this one has doubled our cast
18:02with a whole host of wonderful new characters.
18:04MUSIC PLAYS
18:20APPLAUSE
18:22Well played.
18:24Thanks.
18:26Good luck with it.
18:30I shall do my best.
18:32You know me.
18:42Who the hell is Alex?
18:44Oh!
18:46I thought you meant, like, a character,
18:48like a cartoon character.
18:50Sorry.
18:52You have 30 minutes.
18:54Yes, time starts now.
18:58Create handle...
19:00Mm, OK, so it's puppeteering, really.
19:10Do you? That's enough.
19:12That's enough.
19:16Um...
19:18Have you handled puppets much?
19:20Er, haven't done, no.
19:22I've, er...
19:24I've not, er...
19:26I've not done one.
19:28Ever.
19:30OK, so it's a no.
19:32That's a no, yeah.
19:34Took a while to come out.
19:36OK.
19:38I'll be back on that, then.
19:40Right, OK, then.
19:42APPLAUSE
19:48Was it just me that was thinking
19:50that Jack was possibly leaving the show at that point?
19:54It was just one of those days
19:56when you didn't want to do anything,
19:58and, er, and that's not a good approach
20:00to taskmaster.
20:02Baba provided me with one of my favourite moments
20:04this series, with the genuine question,
20:06who the hell is Alex?
20:08Rosie,
20:10you, er, used it as an opportunity
20:12to shamelessly plug your side hustle, I see.
20:14Yeah.
20:16Um, I...
20:18No, no.
20:20We don't do it now.
20:22If anyone's going to plug
20:24their side hustle on this show,
20:26it's going to be this guy.
20:28Only fans.
20:30All thongs, no hair.
20:36Genuinely don't know where that came from.
20:38Well, it's time to meet
20:40our first charismatic puppet
20:42from the mind and voice of Jack D.
20:44Hello, children,
20:46and welcome to another episode
20:48of Horny and Horsey.
20:50Do you know
20:52what we've been doing in the barn?
20:54I was teaching Horsey
20:56the alphabet.
20:58Yeah, and I'm remembering it
21:00by thinking of words
21:02that begin with each letter.
21:04A is for apple.
21:06And B is for
21:08best friend.
21:10Horny is my best friend.
21:12Now you
21:14have to come up with a word
21:16beginning with C
21:18that describes me.
21:24Oh, I know.
21:26Charismatic.
21:28Charismatic!
21:30That's me.
21:32Well, that's all we've got time for, Horny.
21:34Say goodbye to my little friends.
21:36OK, goodbye.
21:44APPLAUSE
21:48Horsey was quite charismatic.
21:50In the end, yeah, it turned out to be, yeah.
21:52And it turns out
21:54your equine American counterpart
21:56is quite full of life and energetic.
21:58Yes, it's funny that.
22:00I was having a lie down, you see.
22:02But credit also to Alex
22:04who really got into the character
22:06of a twat.
22:08You didn't like
22:10even alluding to the C word, did you?
22:12I was thinking it, but I wouldn't say it.
22:14I don't think you ever have said it, actually,
22:16which I find fascinating.
22:18Well, I will also advise...
22:20Say it.
22:22It's going round and round up here.
22:24Whisper it to me.
22:26Whisper it to me
22:28and then I'll let us move on.
22:30Say the word.
22:32Don't whisper it.
22:34LAUGHTER
22:36APPLAUSE
22:38What?
22:40APPLAUSE
22:42Right, who's next?
22:44Right, well, next up, it's Andy
22:46and his creation, Pidgeor.
22:48Hello, children,
22:50and welcome to The Horny Hour with me, Alex Horne.
22:53We're meeting my new friend today.
22:55Why don't you introduce yourself to the children?
22:58Hello, children.
23:00I am Pidgeor, the Merciless One.
23:03From my beak of bleakness
23:05flows a bitter cascade of eternal despair.
23:08Lighten it up a bit for the kids, please, Pidgeor.
23:11Go fuck yourself, Alex Horne.
23:13I don't like children.
23:15They often grow up to be adults
23:17who are mostly...awful.
23:19No offence, Alex.
23:21What's that, some offence?
23:23It is a kids' TV show, so can you do something the kids might like?
23:26I can do my Pidgey song.
23:28Ooh, good idea, Pidgeor.
23:30And what's your song called?
23:32You Can't Eat An Ice Cream When You're Burning In Hell.
23:34OK, let's not do the song.
23:36Then, let's say, Daddiovich,
23:38I will peck you to death.
23:40Clear the area.
23:43Can you please come up a bit closer for your fatal pecking?
23:50That's what I'm talking about.
23:52Ow! Yeah, get in there.
23:54Ow! OK, bye-bye, children.
23:56See you next time on The Horny Hour.
23:58The Horny Hour.
24:05Very disturbing.
24:07I mean, who hurt you, Andy?
24:09You've just got to go with your first instinct on this show.
24:12Yeah, and he's got some lovely catchphrases for the kids, doesn't he?
24:15You can't eat an ice cream when you're burning in hell.
24:19Well, that's just physics.
24:21I mean, can I say that's a charismatic children's character?
24:25Do I want the satanic pigeon pecking my head off?
24:28Children don't know what's best for them, though, do they?
24:32What's wrong with you?
24:35Absolutely terrifying, Andy.
24:37Quite a creation. Who's next?
24:39Yes, now it's time for Emma and her cheeky little banana boy.
24:42Oh, God.
24:44Hey, kids.
24:46Hi, everybody.
24:48My name's little cheeky banana boy
24:50and this is my sidekick, Alex Horne.
24:52Hi, I'm Alex Horne.
24:54And we're here to tell you guys to eat your bananas.
24:58Bananas, bananas, bananas for me.
25:01Potassium, fibre and a bit of vitamin C.
25:07That was really good.
25:10Hi, Alex.
25:12I, er...
25:14I think I've developed feelings for you.
25:16I sort of want to...
25:18I don't know.
25:20Kiss you.
25:22OK.
25:23Alex. Mmm?
25:25Eat me.
25:28Just one banana.
25:30I don't want to.
25:32I feel...
25:35..devastated.
25:39I'm... I'm going to die now.
25:41Right, OK.
25:43HE BELCHES
25:46OK, cut now. Cut.
25:49Wait.
25:54It strikes me that it was quite a wholesome and sweet character.
25:59Yeah.
26:00It sort of... The wheels came off for me
26:02when banana boy tried to get off with Alex.
26:04Yeah. I know. I really don't remember that either.
26:07This is a charismatic children's character.
26:10Yeah. Sorry.
26:11OK, we've had a mutant pigeon
26:13and now we've got a banana hybrid trying to get off with a man.
26:16I know.
26:17And then being so depressed that the man wouldn't get off with him
26:21he spontaneously died.
26:23Yeah. I know.
26:25When it comes to making up children's characters,
26:28we really have tonally nailed it, haven't we?
26:32Right, let's stop and have a break.
26:34A break dance.
26:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
26:48Hello, hello and welcome back to Taskmaster.
26:51What's been going on, Alex?
26:52They've all been trying to create
26:54the most charismatic new children's puppet.
26:56Next, it's Baba Tunde and Man Like Tyrone.
27:02Oh, hello, boys and girls.
27:04Welcome to this world where you're never on your own
27:07because you're here with me, Alex.
27:09And me, Man Like Tyrone.
27:13So what's today's lesson on?
27:15Today's lesson is about saying no to drugs.
27:19Oh, yes. Drugs.
27:21Yo, Alex.
27:22Yes, Man Like Tyrone?
27:24Why did Humpty Dumpty fall off the wall?
27:27Hmm. I don't know.
27:29Because he was a crackhead.
27:31LAUGHTER
27:34Oh, that kills me.
27:36Now, children, there's going to come a time in your life
27:39when you might want to get high,
27:41and I'm here to tell you, don't do it.
27:43Yes, don't do it.
27:45You could lose everything.
27:47Everything?
27:49Yes, bro.
27:50What should I do instead?
27:52Sell it.
27:54What?
27:55Hell, yeah.
27:56You can make a lot more money selling instead of using.
27:59That's what I always tell you, bro.
28:01Don't get high on your own supply.
28:04And that's all from me, Alex.
28:06And me, Man Like Tyrone.
28:08Bye, kids.
28:09Bye, kids.
28:11APPLAUSE
28:19I mean, I'm going to have to essentially just forget about children, aren't I?
28:24Man Like Tyrone, quite the charmer, though.
28:26He was very charismatic.
28:28That's what we're basing this on, right?
28:30Was he a rat?
28:32He's an otter.
28:33He's an otter?
28:34He was from Brixton.
28:36Oh, sorry, I didn't realise there was quite such a backstory.
28:39He was 34.
28:40Otter from the inner city.
28:4134, he's a Pisces.
28:42There's quite a lot of backstory.
28:44I mean, I did like it.
28:45I did like hanging out with him until he tried to sell drugs to kids.
28:49But I'm going to have to suspend the whole kids thing.
28:52I'm just going to have to choose the most charismatic, awful character.
28:57Well, brace yourselves.
28:59Here's Rosie Jones with her creation.
29:10Hello, Kiddy Winks.
29:11It's me, Little Alex,
29:13and my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Mr Poo.
29:27Can I ask you a question?
29:31Where did I come from?
29:34Well, I made you.
29:36You made me?
29:38Yes, Mr Poo.
29:40I squeezed you out of my bum hole, and I kept you.
29:43Because before you, I had no friends, and I was lonely.
29:47Very, very lonely.
29:49But now I have you, Mr Poo, who I love with all my heart.
29:53Oh, I love you.
29:56Kissy.
29:58Kissy?
30:00Kissy.
30:02OK.
30:03On my mouth.
30:05On your mouth?
30:06Yes.
30:13OK, we'll see you after the break, Mr Poo.
30:17Oh, Alex.
30:27Sorry, Alex.
30:29I'm sorry, Rosie.
30:31You kissed a shit.
30:34But you wouldn't kiss Little Banana Boy.
30:37Exactly.
30:38Boy, Mr Poo.
30:42When you said, where do I come from,
30:45I actually found myself going, oh, that's quite sweet.
30:48But it was when all the sticky brown stuff
30:52was on Alex's face that you lost me, charisma-wise.
30:57OK, look, it's most charismatic puppet wins.
31:00Yeah, all right.
31:01I found Banana Boy a bit depressive.
31:04Yeah.
31:05I can only give him one point.
31:06OK, where are we going from Banana Boy?
31:08It's between a talking shit and a murderous pigeon.
31:12A dance as old as time itself.
31:16That old chestnut again.
31:19Two for the Poo, three for the murderous pigeon.
31:21Got it.
31:22If it was points for who do I want to hang out with
31:24and have a good time with, I'm not going out with a horse.
31:27Exactly.
31:28I'm coming to Brixton with the otter.
31:30Thank you very much.
31:32Four points to Jack, five points to Baba.
31:34Here we go, Baba.
31:38Shall we have another task?
31:40I think we should, but please, let's proceed with extreme caution.
31:44Ooh.
31:51BEEP
31:56Emma?
31:57Hiya.
31:58In you go.
31:59Oh, my God.
32:00What's going on, Alex?
32:02What's going on?
32:03Yeah.
32:04Just a robot.
32:05Yeah?
32:06Yeah.
32:07Right.
32:09Oh, that's a bit worrying.
32:15Ooh.
32:16Defuse the robot.
32:18You must cut all the wires but one.
32:22If you cut the danger wire, the robot will spew
32:25and you will be disqualified.
32:34Fastest to defuse the robot wins.
32:37You have a maximum of ten minutes. Your time starts now.
32:40Please press the red button.
32:41Here? Yep.
32:42Press it? Mm-hm.
32:44I have to press the red button? Uh-huh.
32:48You're off.
32:49Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow. OK.
32:52And if you've got any questions, I'm always here for you, Jack.
32:55OK, thank you.
32:56Which one is the danger wire?
33:06Let's get stuck into it.
33:07Yeah, so they had to cut all the wires but one,
33:09leaving just the danger wire.
33:11It was fastest to successfully do that wins.
33:14First to try and defuse the situation, it's Bubba and Emma.
33:19How am I supposed to know which one it is?
33:21That's a good question.
33:22Which one are you going to cut?
33:24I don't know!
33:26But I'm a bit scared.
33:28Wait, what's around me?
33:30Wait, what's this?
33:32Ooh!
33:33Ah-ha-ha-ha!
33:35Wow!
33:37I didn't see any... OK, cool.
33:41No, it doesn't cut that.
33:43The safe list.
33:45What's all this?
33:46James, Dan...
33:49Were these people that have done it?
33:53Green, that's interesting, that's like Gordon.
33:55I don't really know about that. All right, I'll think about that.
33:58And then there's a dude here.
34:00HMS Danger, HMS Danger.
34:02Oh, bloody hell, I don't know what none of this means!
34:05What am I, dazed?
34:08I'm going to cut the green wire.
34:11Why?
34:13OK.
34:17The fan's spinning round at the back.
34:19He's not spewed.
34:20Brilliant.
34:21Why is there a bottle of wine?
34:26Might as well.
34:30Oh, it's awful.
34:34Red, wine.
34:35So red is safe.
34:37OK.
34:38Cos it's wine.
34:39Wait.
34:40Yellow ain't safe cos yellow is not on the chart.
34:42But red is.
34:44Red, green and blue.
34:46All right, well...
34:48We'll cut blue.
34:52I don't want to cut it.
34:53Dan.
34:54So it's three letters in Dan, so I'm going to do three wires down.
34:57One, two, three, Dan, let's cut blue.
35:00See how we go.
35:01I'm trying to cut it.
35:04SCREAMS
35:09Whoa!
35:10You've managed to only cut the danger wire.
35:14How many rubbish is that?
35:21Everything smooths once in a while, my guy.
35:23You know what I mean?
35:25So have I won?
35:33I think in military terms,
35:35you're both what's known as cannon fodder.
35:39I had no idea.
35:40None of the clues made sense to me.
35:42It was quite impressive after you've cut one wire
35:46and the robot's gone off and you're covered in stuff
35:50to look down the camera and say, have I won?
35:54I put it to you that throughout the task,
35:56neither of you understood it.
35:58I think I was just role-playing
36:00being a woman drinking wine cutting wires.
36:05Does that make sense?
36:06No, that's what you were doing.
36:10Well, it's now time for Andy and Rosie and the robot.
36:15OK, right, so, right, right.
36:18I've cut James.
36:21Charlie.
36:22Dan.
36:23Gordon.
36:24Darren.
36:25All browns.
36:27Brown!
36:29So I'm feeling that brown is safe.
36:31Cut the brown.
36:33You sure?
36:34Yes.
36:37He's made a mess, but he hasn't spewed.
36:41OK, so, bottle of Chateau Taskmaster.
36:48What, did you make this yourself?
36:51Red! Red wine!
36:54Cut the red!
36:5719165.
37:02That felt safe. I'm going to go red is safe.
37:05You think red is safe? OK.
37:06I think red is safe. I'm not saying red is nice,
37:08I'm saying red is safe.
37:10Yeah, his eyes have lit up. He's not spewed.
37:12Right.
37:13What's between green and orange?
37:17Yellow!
37:18Yellow.
37:24You're safe. 3 minutes 30 left.
37:26OK.
37:27Are there any more clues?
37:29Moon with a danger sign on it?
37:31It could mean blue.
37:34Blue is the thing. Is that a blue moon?
37:38What is that?
37:42Do you want me to get it for you?
37:44Cos...
37:45Cos...
37:46Oh!
37:47Zero, zero, zero, zero.
37:54Kiwi, New Zealand...
37:57Oh, black!
37:59Black?
38:00Yeah.
38:01That's beeped.
38:02Yeah, black is safe.
38:04Right, so you've got three minutes, and how many wires left?
38:07Two.
38:08Yellow or blue?
38:09Yeah, well, I think...
38:11Blue moon, I think the blue moon is the danger one.
38:13Yellow's going.
38:17You have succeeded in the task.
38:19Oh, I have?
38:20You have.
38:21Oh, right.
38:25Green!
38:26I said it's safe!
38:28Green is safe!
38:32You've got 20 seconds to cut one more wire.
38:34Grey or blue?
38:37You've got ten seconds. It's going to go in ten seconds.
38:44Three seconds.
38:47Here we go.
38:57It was right,
38:58but I was a bit slow with the cutters.
39:13Sorry, Rosie.
39:21You two must feel fairly ashamed.
39:23They were impressive, logic-wise.
39:25Yeah.
39:27Like a professional.
39:28Yeah, well, I worked for 20 years in bomb disposal.
39:33Rosie, what was the quote,
39:35so I would have done it if you'd done your fucking job?
39:50That's me.
39:52Yeah.
39:53I think Alex finds that fairly offensive, actually.
39:56OK, it's the end of part three.
39:58Today's prizes might be our worst yet,
40:00as the winner will have to take home things
40:02which have joined the moist, smelly tissues
40:04that were already in Alex's dirty little pockets.
40:16Hello!
40:17Hello again to the last time this episode.
40:20Yes, Totes Babes.
40:21No.
40:23I will not have Totes Babes.
40:27But it says it on there.
40:28I won't have it!
40:31Contestants are in a spot of bother.
40:33There's a spewing robot which needs diffusing
40:35before it starts diffusing.
40:37To stop it, they've got to cut all but the danger wire.
40:39And so, at last, here is Jack to save the D.
40:45The safe list.
40:47James, Charlie, Dan,
40:49Darren, Brown.
40:52Brown is safe.
40:53OK.
40:54Safe one, OK.
40:57There's a phone up there.
41:01Quite expensive.
41:02Yeah.
41:03Calling Taskmaster.
41:06Whatever you do, do not make the danger wire sound like my name.
41:13Red, or grey, or green.
41:16That's a pretty poor clue.
41:19So I think...
41:20Actually, maybe the danger wire should sound like my name.
41:24I'm a pretty dangerous guy, after all.
41:26No, he's saying it should sound like his name.
41:28Oh, right.
41:29That's just a new level of unhelpful.
41:33How long have you got left on the clock?
41:35A minute and 32 seconds or something.
41:37Right, there's not a lot of urgency, Jack.
41:39That, I don't understand.
41:40Yellow, I suppose. It's pure yellow.
41:42Yellow is safe, I'm going to say.
41:44Taskmaster.
41:45Does that mean red is safe?
41:47How long have we got left?
41:4957 seconds.
41:50Right, OK.
41:51It wouldn't be exciting if you didn't take it down to the line.
41:55This has got written danger on it.
41:59Blue.
42:00So I'm going to say blue is the danger one.
42:02OK.
42:03I'm going to go for it.
42:04Green.
42:05Now the red one.
42:07Now the grey one.
42:10And now the grey one.
42:15That's it, I've finished.
42:16You've defused the robot, Jack.
42:19I hope none of the others get it.
42:31It's just like watching a professional robot defuser in action.
42:34It really was, it really was.
42:35He was very frustrated by the phone calls, but, yeah,
42:37there was a blue light on the top.
42:38Everything danger was blue, so...
42:40Yeah, it was pretty straightforward.
42:45He was not as quick as Andy.
42:46We know Andy was the quickest.
42:47Jack was the second quickest, did it with a few seconds left to spare.
42:51Rosie didn't do it, of course.
42:53Yes, and that's what we've got to clear up now, isn't it?
42:56Do we allow Rosie to get some points from this?
42:59I will say she did crack the code and with about eight seconds left,
43:03so it's whether or not it's possible to cut a wire in eight seconds.
43:07Fortunately for you, Alex has no authority here,
43:11and I say it was his incompetence that caused you to lose,
43:14so you just about made it in time.
43:16It's my final judgement.
43:18She gets three points for coming through?
43:19Yes. Stop hating people with disability.
43:25That's right, that's right.
43:26OK, three points for Rosie, four for Jack, five for Andy Dolphin.
43:30Five for Andy Dolphin.
43:34OK, everyone, for a change,
43:37please stay in your chairs for the final task of the show.
43:45That's right.
43:51Rotate the human.
44:00What a mystery.
44:02Who's reading the task?
44:04Jack D, please. OK.
44:06Correctly guess this person's job.
44:09You must ask a yes or no question on your turn.
44:13If you take more than ten seconds to ask your question, you miss a go.
44:17The person who guesses correctly wins five points.
44:21Wow.
44:22So it's all or nothing in this one.
44:24Ready, Greg? Ready!
44:26Andy.
44:28Have you drawn blood at work?
44:35Yes.
44:37Do you chase people?
44:40No.
44:42We'll come back to ask about that afterwards.
44:45Do you work in medicine?
44:47Yes.
44:48Are you a surgeon?
44:50Yes.
44:51You need to be more specific, and that is your question, Jack.
44:54Yes.
44:55Are you a brain surgeon?
44:58No.
44:59Are you a veterinary surgeon?
45:02No.
45:03Heart surgeon?
45:05No.
45:06A little clue.
45:07The job title doesn't involve the word surgeon.
45:10Do you do lots of different things in your job every day?
45:13Yes.
45:19Very pleased with that one, weren't you?
45:21Are you a GP?
45:23No.
45:24Do you work with other humans?
45:30Yes.
45:33That narrows it down for us.
45:36Are you an anaesthetist?
45:38No.
45:39Are you sat down throughout your shift?
45:42No.
45:43Are you an obstetrician?
45:45No.
45:49Are you a gynaecologist?
45:51Yes.
45:52We have a winner!
45:54Oh, God!
45:58Thank you to our guest, Quentin.
46:00Quentin, ladies and gentlemen.
46:03Let's reset the stage and find out the final score!
46:11That has surely put the gynaecological cat amongst the pigeons.
46:17I mean, it has, hasn't it?
46:19Jack has ended up on 17 points
46:21and is in second place,
46:22but the winner with 18 points is Andy Zaltzman!
46:28Andy Zaltzman wins!
46:32Please don't pocket your things from our pocket!
46:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE