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In this episode, I explore the subtle differences between gentle parenting and peaceful parenting. While peaceful parenting focuses on a non-violent approach, gentle parenting aims to create emotional connections, which can lead to pressure and feelings of inadequacy for parents. Through personal anecdotes, I illustrate how children reflect adult behaviors, emphasizing the significance of active listening to prevent escalated meltdowns. I discuss the evolution of parenting strategies, cautioning against overly permissive interpretations of gentle parenting that lack necessary boundaries. I critique societal pressures and the expectations created by social media, suggesting that a “sturdy parenting” model offers a balanced approach. This framework encourages genuine listening while maintaining parental authority, ultimately fostering healthier family dynamics and equipping children to navigate their emotions effectively.

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Transcript
00:00Yo, yo, good morning everybody, Sivan Malini here from FreedoMain, so a couple of minutes
00:03on gentle parenting.
00:05Gentle parenting to me is different from peaceful parenting.
00:10So peaceful parenting is peace, right, which is do not use violence or intimidation or
00:16signs of strength or control or bullying or aggression to get your way.
00:22So it just says peace, right?
00:24It's not a positive prescription, right?
00:26You can negotiate your way out of conflicts just about any way.
00:31So basically it's the equivalent of don't steal, right?
00:34So if you have a rule called don't steal, it says you can acquire property in any legitimate
00:40way, you just can't steal, right?
00:42That's fairly reasonable, right?
00:44And so peaceful parenting simply says use peace, right?
00:50Do not use violence or aggression, signs of strength, intimidation in your dealings with
00:55others.
00:56That is consistent with how you're supposed to deal with adults, of course.
00:59So this is why I called it peaceful parenting.
01:02Now gentle parenting, though, is a positive prescription, right?
01:07So thou shalt not steal is a negative prescription, which thou shalt not means you can do anything
01:16else, right?
01:17Just don't steal and you can do anything else.
01:19Now gentle parenting, though, is a positive prescription, right?
01:24So if I said that the only way to be moral is to be in a profession where you are nice
01:36and helpful to the sick and elderly, right?
01:41You have to be nice and gentle to the sick and elderly.
01:44Well that would be a positive prescription and that would be tyrannical, right?
01:48So gentle parenting is tyrannical because how are you supposed to know that gentleness
01:54is the right response?
01:56So for instance, if you're angry with your child, you teach the child how to deal with
02:01anger by occasionally, if you're angry at the child, being honest and open about that
02:06and you know, real-time relationships, saying how you feel without jumping to conclusions
02:09and so on.
02:11So gentle parenting is a positive prescription and therefore is tyrannical, right?
02:17So is gentle parenting too rough on parents, there's a growing backlash to this popular
02:20approach.
02:21All right, so it's highly likely that at every point in time, in some corner of the world,
02:25the child's lost his ever-lumbering mind to the surreal isle, in the surreal isle of a
02:29grocery store, right?
02:31So if your child is having fun with you, your child will not have a meltdown about candy.
02:39Your child will want candy and you can absolutely express that you can sympathize with that,
02:44I love candy too, and so on, right?
02:48But why would the child lose his mind?
02:49Why would the child be, my daughter, again, I know it's a sample size of one, I get all
02:54of that, but you know, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist, but she's never had a tantrum.
02:59I remember we were in a hardware store when she was very, very little and she was desperate
03:04to get a rocking horse, which had, it was like a battery-operated rocking horse that
03:09neighed and stuff like that.
03:11And I remember we talked about it probably for about 40 to 45 minutes and that was a
03:16time where we did end up getting her the rocking horse, it's actually still, it's actually
03:19still in the basement, I smile every time I go past it.
03:24And so that was something she really wanted, and was there a really good reason to say
03:28no?
03:29There was not.
03:30Now there are other things that she wants, which we did say no for a variety of reasons
03:33and so on, but if your child knows that you care about what your child wants, you are
03:40reasonable and so on, and if you want your child to let the tantrum, if you want your
03:47child to not have a tantrum, then you yourself have to not be selfish, because a tantrum
03:53is a frustration at a collision of impossibilities or incomprehensibilities.
04:00So if a tantrum is when the child tries to get what he wants, despite or perhaps because
04:07of the negative effect on others.
04:09It comes out of a kind of desperation and not being listened to.
04:14So listening to people without agreeing with them is really important, right?
04:18You can listen to people, you don't have to agree with them, you can listen to children,
04:21you don't have to agree with them, and children can listen to you and they don't have to agree
04:25with you.
04:26So, if for instance, the mother has dumped the toddler in daycare and has gone to work,
04:36and the child has more material possessions and toys than they want, what they really
04:42want is not trinkets and toys, but the mother.
04:44So let's say the mother has gone to work, then the mother is doing what she prefers
04:50at the expense of the child.
04:51The mother is getting what she wants at the expense of the child, right?
04:58And I'm not talking about sort of brute economic necessity, where the mother has to go to work
05:05because, I don't know, she's a single mother, but I mean even that would be like you chose
05:09the wrong guy to be the father of your children.
05:11So you could come up with some situation where there's just brute economic necessity, right?
05:15Like we starve and we're homeless if mother's not at work, but that's not the case with
05:19most families.
05:20Like with most families, it is a massive amount of, you know, there are two cars, there's
05:26a nice place to live, there's lots of trinkets and toys and snacks, and right, so there's
05:31no brute economic necessity, right?
05:33And children understand that, right?
05:35So if the mother goes to work, then she's doing what she wants at the expense of the
05:42child.
05:45So get your own way at the expense of others is fine.
05:49And so then when the child says, I want cereal, the child is mirroring the mother's view,
05:55I want a career, I want a paycheck, I want to go to work, I want to go to work, I like
06:02going to work, I need to go to work, work is important for mommy, right?
06:06And so when the child has a tantrum, the child is mirroring the selfishness of the parents.
06:13Get what you want at the expense of others.
06:16Get what you want.
06:18When the child desperately does not want to be dropped off at daycare, well, the child
06:22is dropped off at daycare.
06:28And the mother drops off the child at daycare with some impatience, right?
06:34And the child, you just have to suffer with the negative consequences because mommy is
06:40going to do what she wants, mommy is going to get the career that she wants, she's going
06:43to go to work, she's going to escape the child, the fact that it's really upsetting to the
06:47child is completely immaterial, so you get what you want, and who cares about the negative
06:51effects on others?
06:53So when the child wants something in the grocery aisle, then the child works to get
07:00what he wants, no matter the negative effects on others.
07:03I mean, I don't know why this is particularly confusing, but anyway.
07:07So let's see here, how a parent reacts to the tantrumming child, is that a word, all
07:11right?
07:12It's more likely to differ by generation.
07:13In the 50s and 60s, a parent might have spanked them, in the 80s and 90s, a parent might have
07:16been more likely to ground them or give them a time out, today you're likely to find a
07:19parent crouched right there on the floor beside them, telling their child they see
07:23their frustration, that they're not getting lucky charms, that the feelings are valid,
07:26but we do not scream in stores, and to choose between Cheerios or MiniWits, okay, we do
07:31not scream in stores, that's fine.
07:35Has the parent ever screamed at the child?
07:36Have the parents raised their voices with each other?
07:39Have the parents used intimidation and bullying with the child or with each other, right?
07:44So one of the reasons why children have meltdowns is because their world is completely incomprehensible.
07:49You know, like, for the parents, yeah, you get what you want, and screw the feelings
07:53of others, and yes, you yell, you intimidate, you escalate to get what you want in the relationship
07:57with the child, so then when the child mirrors that behavior, suddenly it's like the worst
08:00thing in the known universe, and it's terrible and must be punished, and the child is usually
08:05tantrumming out of despair, that he's trapped in a bottomless well of endless hypocrisy,
08:10right?
08:11That's really tough.
08:12All right, so this modern parenting style, whether you call it gentle parenting, positive
08:16parenting, or respectful parenting, centers on acknowledging a child's feelings and the
08:19motivations behind challenging behaviors.
08:21No, this is sort of just, it's cheap psychologizing, you know, it's cheap psychologizing.
08:27So when you have an upset child, most parents, in no way, shape, or form, want to get to
08:35the root of the child's upset, because the root of the child's upset will doubtless be
08:38critical towards the parent in some sort of foundational manner, and so that's quite important.
08:46So, this one, how gentle parenting is going, and this is a, a, uh,
08:51Son, woosah, woosah, I'm not gonna beat his ass, I said breathe in, breathe out, I'm not
08:58gonna scream and shout, I said breathe in, breathe out, don't knock that ass up, woosah,
09:06damn it, woosah, woosah, I'm,
09:10Absolutely appalling, just horrendous, so she's like,
09:14I really, I really want to hit him, and then eventually she just loses her temper, right,
09:18so this is, of course, a parent having a tantrum, right, and if the parent is unable to control
09:24her own feelings, then, of course, the child is not going to be either, right, where's
09:28that face at the end, right, and there's the superiority, no, damn it, yeah, I mean, let's,
09:34I get this is a little bit comedy, but it's, uh, nasty, nasty, nasty, nasty, all right.
09:41So yeah, this psychologizing is that it's dismissing the child's feelings with deeper
09:49and more brutal methods in some ways than even just yelling or hitting, because you
09:54say to the child, I understand that you want this, but you're wrong, right, I empathize
09:59with you and you're wrong, whereas to not even empathize with the child is a little
10:03less cruel in some ways.
10:08So let's see here, steered by bittening, parenting influences, blah, blah, blah, many parents
10:15today aim to be more respectful and less reactive than their own authoritarian parents, but
10:19recently there's been a shift as exhausted moms, dads, guardians, and experts question
10:23if gentle parenting style is actually too rough on them.
10:27So the gentle parenting style is kind of tyrannical because it demands that the child be gentle
10:32and all deviations from gentleness are negative, which does not cheat the child the value of
10:37quote negative emotions, anger, jealousy, hostility, fear, anxiety, you know, it's like
10:48everything that is upset is solved with a hug and that is a hug is a way of not listening
10:53to the child, you know, like, well, I know why you're really upset, right, this is sort
10:58of typical psychologizing, I know why you're really upset, and I'm gonna just soothe you,
11:05you're lying, you think you're upset about the cereal, but you're just overwhelmed, right,
11:10I mean, I remember when I was a kid, I would have problems that there was, you know, like
11:17we would be going as a group, and I was the youngest kid, I was right like two years past
11:25the end of the baby boom, so I was always the youngest kid, I was the youngest kid in
11:28the boarding school, I was the youngest kid in the neighborhood, I was certainly the youngest
11:30kid in my family, I was the youngest kid in my extended family, and so I was always the
11:37youngest kid.
11:39And the problem with that was that people didn't wait, right, so what would happen is
11:46people would be walking really, really fast, my little legs would get tired, and I would
11:50start to complain, and then people would walk faster because they wanted to give me a negative
11:54experience of complaining, and so I would like literally watch people walking down the
11:58street and struggling to keep up and getting tired, and so on, right, so I would be frustrated
12:04that people weren't taking into account the fact that I was, you know, smaller, right,
12:10I mean, the difference between four and six in terms of mode of power is quite considerable,
12:14and so I remember once with my family member, extended family member, I was crying, you
12:23know, sort of frustration, and some humiliation at not having people wait for me, and really
12:28worrying that I was going to, I mean, I was going to be lost, and this did actually happen
12:34to me when I was very little in Ireland, I still remember the color of the wall of the
12:39police station that I ended up in because I was with my father, and my father got impatient
12:44that I was walking too slowly, and I ended up lost, like I could not find him, and I
12:51was just wandering around, I was maybe three or four years old, and I was just wandering
12:55around in, I think it was in Dublin, and I ended up being taken to a police station where
13:03some sort of some hours later, my father showed up, so it was not, not inconsiderable risk,
13:11and so I remember at the end of a day like that, I was kind of frustrated, and, and,
13:16and frightened, right, and, and angry, right, I was crying, I was, I was mad, and I remember
13:24one of my aunts saying, oh, he's had a big day, he's just overstimulated, and it was
13:30just, that was really annoying, so this idea that you can just, you can dig in, and there's
13:35no real reason for what you're feeling, it's just some petty thing, like you just want
13:39your Captain Crunch, right, you just want this, that, or the other cereal, right, and
13:46so when your feelings are ignored by this sort of pathetic psychologizing, it's really
13:53frustrating for people as a whole, right, for people as a whole, right, I mean, you
13:58see this, this is sort of, you see quite honest, the de facto state on, on the internet, right,
14:03the de facto state on the internet is, oh, if, if you criticize modern femininity, well,
14:12you're only doing that because you hate women, right, or you have a problem with your mother,
14:15or like, like, so it's this psychologizing that you dismiss feelings by ascribing petty
14:22roots to those feelings, right, so, you know, if, if, if somebody's upset, you just, you
14:32imagine the, the pettiest, most ridiculous, silly reason, you know, like, I wasn't crying
14:37because I was constantly left behind and had to race to keep up and got ungodly tired and
14:41frightened, I wasn't, I just, I just had a big day and was overstimulated, it's like,
14:46but that's not the, that's not the issue, so it's a way of telling people to shut the
14:51hell up and their feelings don't matter without saying it directly, right, it's a way of bypassing
14:55any legitimate criticism like I had at the age of three or four, some, you know, super
15:00legitimate criticisms of what was going on in my family structure, and if they listened
15:05and they said, well, why are you upset, well, because everyone keeps, keeps walking too
15:08fast and, you know, like, I can't keep up and, and we had these, like, monster days
15:13of, like, roaming around all these places and, and so on and, and I'm tired and, and,
15:18you know, I'm, I'm small, and, you know, people keep moving ahead, nobody cares that I'm behind
15:26and it's really frightening and frustrating, well, that's a legitimate criticism, but no,
15:33no, you see, I'm just, I'm just, it's bad, I've had a big day and I'm just overstimulated,
15:38right, and so on, right, or there would be males, males would, you know, if you get some
15:46injury and you'd be upset, because when you're a kid, you don't know how bad the injuries
15:50are, blood is scary to see, and so when you're a kid, little kid, I remember getting an injury
15:59on my leg and, you know, the sort of rush, rough callus, nicotine stained yellow hands
16:05of some uncle, been to the wars, have we, and it's like, no, I mean, it's not, I know
16:13it's not war, I'm not missing a limb, so, yeah, there's this idea that the child's emotions
16:21are foolish and petty and you just need to comfort them because they just don't know
16:26why they're upset and none of it makes any sense, why does the kid want the Captain Crunch
16:30to the point where he's willing to have a tantrum, why does he want the Captain Crunch
16:33to the point where he's willing to have the tantrum, right, because the child is unhappy
16:39and sugar is a drug that is used to make the child feel happier, right, that child
16:44is happy and connected and loved and so on, then the sugar, junk, junkification is much
16:50less bad, right, okay, so, no matter what we do, it feels like we get it wrong, yeah,
16:55that's the self-pity of parents, it does bring undue pressure on parents to get it right
16:59every time, that's just not feasible, no, you don't have to get it right, you just have
17:02to listen, just have to listen, uh, Muria Grandrian-Nasulu, who, listen, Ottawa says
17:10she was literally drawn to the idea of gentle parenting because it was different to how
17:13children were raised in her Madagascan culture, she thought it was the best way for her daughters
17:17to avoid trauma, she says, however, I felt like I was so overwhelmed because I have strong
17:21little children and convincing them or saying no gently would take hours, I was drained
17:25at the end of the day, right, so, gentle parenting is just gaslighting, right, peaceful parenting
17:31is, I mean, you just use peace, it doesn't say use gentleness, because gentleness is
17:38a positive prescription that gives you a one-size-fits-all approach to the interaction, which could be
17:43the complete opposite of what's needed, right, so, I don't know, um, let's see here, today's
17:50parents, oh yeah, so here is a child, this is the fantasy, right, and this is a very
17:58just for those who are just listening, this is Crunchy Mama wrote a, drew a little cartoon,
18:05and it's a mom with a raging toddler, and the toddler is like literally on fire and
18:10raging, it's like a little fire with arms and legs, and the mother hugs the toddler,
18:15and eventually the toddler cools down and is loved, right, so the opposite of anger
18:22is love, now this is not healthy, it's not at all healthy, it's not at all healthy, because
18:28it's telling the child that the love of the mother is what overcomes the rage of the toddler,
18:34and therefore it's relying on women to manage your own anger through love, and that sets
18:40you up to be an abusive husband or boyfriend, I mean, I'm just not kidding about this, right,
18:46and so, and this is also how some people approach, you know, maybe other cultures with very different
18:51values, well, you just love them, and then they just bond and attach, and it's really
18:55dysfunctional, this is enabling, right, so if the child's angry, you don't hug the child,
19:00and then the child is fine, the child just gives up, knowing that they're not gonna be
19:04listened to, and that their anger means nothing, right, so you listen, you listen, tell me
19:07what you're angry about, you could be right, right, all right, a third of the parents they
19:13surveyed in a study who identified as gentle parents reported feelings of burnout and parental
19:18uncertainty, the qualitative analysis didn't compare these specific findings to non-gentle
19:23parents, but the authors did note that the gentle parents would offer these self-critiques
19:28unprompted, right, so one of the reasons why we criticize ourselves is because we reject
19:35or are hostile to the criticisms of others, I mean, other people can have very legitimate
19:38criticisms of us, or feedback, or whatever you want to call it, and if you deny the validity
19:45of other people's negative feedback to us, then you end up kind of attacking yourself,
19:52and that's not, that's not good, all right, one mother who identified as a gentle parent
19:58in the study wrote, I'm hanging on for dear life, right, so how difficult is it to listen
20:04to your kids, and to focus on your life, and the choices that you make, as something that
20:11is for the best for the kids, it's really not that, it's when you have all these conflicting
20:20things, like I have to please my job, I have to please my mother, I have to please, and
20:25you know, I can't please everyone, and this is where being overwhelmed is, but if you
20:28just put your kids first, pretty easy, right, all right, so the pressures to fulfill exacting
20:35parenting standards, parenting standards, coupled with the information overload on social
20:38media about the right or wrong ways to care for children, has left many parents questioning
20:42their moment-to-moment interactions with their family, and this was only 100 parents, which
20:47is fine, it's not the end of the world, right, so how do you interpret gentle?
20:59This misconception is evident, critics of the approach often poke fun of what they see
21:03as overly permissive millennial parents who never say no or raise their voices, right,
21:11let's see here, parents may think they just need to be gentle in every single situation,
21:15the pressure to be a gentle parent already sets parents up for failure because they're
21:17not sure how to achieve it, let's see here, so but I mean, there's nothing magical about
21:29your relationship with your kids, the same morals that should run your relationship with
21:32adults should run your relationships with your kids, right, you can't just validate
21:37emotions, it doesn't work on its own and it's exhausting, parents need to be the bad guy
21:41sometimes, in fact, a lot of times, kids feelings should not be holding a sausage, right, so
21:45this is win-lose, right, so either the kids dominate you with their feelings or you dominate
21:50your kids with your feelings as opposed to just listen to your kids and work to meet
21:57their needs that are reasonable and model better behavior and so on, right, let's see
22:02here, psychologist Rebecca Kennedy, Dr. Becky, parents are struggling to hold boundaries
22:10after constantly being told to empathize with their kids, yeah but empathize with your kids
22:14doesn't mean like just validating their feelings or whatever it means, listening to what their
22:18feelings mean and criticisms they may have with their environment or their life, a new
22:23model of parenting is sturdy, not gentle, I'm not gentle, I'm not harsh, I'm sturdy,
22:29let's see here, this Malaysian woman from Malaysia, she's trying to find a middle ground
22:34with her daughter saying it was just too much to try to be a gentle parent 100% of the time,
22:38she tries to select her moments, I also include the aspect of parenting in my culture, I found
22:42successful blah blah blah, so what can I tell you, it's like all of the things that people
22:52talk about like oh here's how to run your relationship, men are from Mars, women are
22:56from Venus and you need this and the other, you can't negotiate desire and so on and everyone's
23:01trying to figure out how to get along and have good relationships, well just you know
23:04be virtuous, listen to your partner and be someone that they can morally admire and love
23:08is our involuntary response to virtue if we're virtuous and so this idea that you just have
23:13to sit down, listen to your kids but not really listen to them because you're basically just
23:17trying to bleed out their feelings with pretend empathy rather than listen to genuine complaints
23:21that they might have and work to address them, it's not great.
23:27So it's like no no no, it's not gentle, it's sturdy and it's not 100% like it doesn't help
23:31at all, it doesn't help at all, just be someone your kids can morally admire and listen to
23:37them and have their feelings truly influence the choices that you make yourself, so hope
23:46that helps, freedomain.com, lots of love from up here, guys and gals, I'll talk to
23:52you soon, bye.