• last year
The surveillance state isn’t some shadowy government conspiracy—it’s just a bunch of private companies rounding you up and extracting your data. Remove your personal information from the web at https://joindeleteme.com/HONEST and use code HONEST for 20% off. DeleteMe international Plans: https://international.joindeleteme.com

Every time you go online—searching, scrolling, masturbating — you’re giving us
that good good data,. And we get it from public records, social media, credit reports, loyalty programs, apps, that time you took an “am I gay?” survey, cookies, streaming, all of your
little freak interests and habits,


Cast:
Roger Horton: Jack Hunter

Written by: Reva Gimball
Directed by: Michael Strauss
Director of photography: Rob Menzer’s
Editor: Rob Menzer
Sound: Eduardo Perez
Executive Producer: Gabrielle Williott
Production assistant: Rachel Mossberg
Special thanks to MCM Studios

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#honestads #comedy #cracked #parody

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Wow, Papa John's name is actually not Papa.
00:11Never knew that.
00:15Well, hello. I'd say I didn't see you there, but that would be lying because I did see you.
00:21I've always seen you and I know everything about you. It's kind of my job and I'm great at it.
00:27Hi, I'm Roger, the CEO of Horticle.
00:30I know on its face Horticle doesn't sound as sinister as all of this looks. We did that on purpose.
00:37Our name is Amorphous Silicon Valley Garble.
00:40So you just assume we do some sort of incomprehensible tech shit?
00:44Which is exactly what we want you to think.
00:47Because while you're busy being largely oblivious to us,
00:50we're turning information like your name, address, phone number, and even details on your family into cold hard cash.
00:59That's right, my friends. The surveillance state isn't some shadowy government conspiracy.
01:09It's just a bunch of private companies like us right here in America, rounding you up and extracting your data.
01:17Like a bloated cash cow.
01:19We're milking you dry.
01:23Do cars run out of honks?
01:26Rob, log that.
01:28Ooh, and see if Hort Motor Company wants to buy that info and send her 500 ads for cars.
01:33And a couple for geese.
01:35Exactly, boys. You see, every time you go online searching, scrolling, masturbating,
01:43you're giving us that good, good data, I mean.
01:47And we get it from public records, social media, credit reports.
01:51Loyalty programs, apps, that time you took an MI gay quiz.
01:55Cookies, streaming, and all of your little freak interests and habits.
02:02Is Nickelback still alive?
02:05I don't know.
02:07We are going to give her so many ads for Nickelback.
02:13And before you call us evil and depraved and very wrong for doing all of this,
02:18think of us as providing a service to give you personalized help.
02:23We collect your data, build a comprehensive profile, and sell it to companies
02:28so those places can bombard you with exactly the kind of dumbass bullshit we know you are going to buy anyway.
02:35Like that unicorn squatty potty?
02:37And tactical leggings.
02:39It's a win-win. We get a pile of cash and you get a pile of ads.
02:43You're welcome.
02:45Could having all of this data about you out there go sideways?
02:48Absolutely.
02:50Do we care?
02:52I think you already know the answer.
02:54If your identity is stolen, you're rejected from a job based on your Netflix watch history,
03:00your kid's weird middle name gets exposed in a data breach,
03:04well that's just collateral damage in the grand scheme of lining my own pockets.
03:09After all, it's not our problem if some third-party company misuses your info
03:13or has a massive data breach exposing your incredibly uninspired email password,
03:20which you've been using for more than a decade.
03:23We're just the middlemen, okay?
03:25Also, it's not just you. We're gathering data from everyone.
03:29That's right. We collect everyone's information and group you by it.
03:34Gadget geeks. Travel nuts.
03:36Monsters who wish there could be more cantaloupe in the fruit salad.
03:39People who definitely bought an Instant Pot during lockdown.
03:42And my personal favorite, probably hiding bodies.
03:47Don't start thinking you have some right to privacy or whatever, either.
03:51Privacy is an outdated concept.
03:54The regulatory landscape of what data brokers like myself can and can't do is fragmented at best,
04:00with sparse state laws and zero comprehensive federal ones.
04:04Oh sure, you have a right under the Fair Credit Reporting Act
04:08to request your data and even opt out of data collection by data brokers like myself.
04:14Good luck doing all that on your own.
04:16We've buried all the information on Hal deep in the Horticle website.
04:21But if you want to try, go ahead.
04:24Scroll through 97 pages of legalese, fill out five different forms,
04:29and fax a copy of your birth certificate.
04:32We'll get back to you in 8 to 12 months, maybe.
04:35Then you can do the exact same thing again for the next data broker website.
04:40Because just like doing laundry, there's always more.
04:44And don't forget, while you're waiting,
04:47we'll be busy making a tidy profit off of letting everyone know you've been divorced three times.
04:53This year, twice to sex dolls.
04:57In the meantime, I've been Roger.
05:01Hey, the sex dolls divorced him.
05:04Good for them.
05:07Now that you know all about data brokers,
05:10it's the perfect time to tell you about today's sponsor, Delete.me.
05:14Because I'm getting paid to do it.
05:16Also because I honestly trust Delete.me to help me reduce my risk of identity theft
05:21and becoming a target of phishing scams.
05:24As I speak, there are data overlords collecting huge amounts of personally identifiable information
05:30and packaging it together to create profiles or listings on you and me.
05:36Despite having the personality of a russet potato,
05:39you are one hot commodity to data brokers.
05:43That's where Delete.me comes in.
05:45Their mission is simple, to remove customers' information from search results.
05:50Seriously, Delete.me experts actually find and remove your personal information from hundreds of data brokers.
05:57They're like privacy vigilantes.
05:59Once the Delete.me process starts, you'll receive a report in seven days.
06:04If I didn't have Delete.me to help protect me from the risks of identity theft,
06:08who knows how many scammers would be out there trying to pass themselves off as Roger Horton.
06:13I mean, in fairness, who wouldn't want to be me?
06:16And even if you think you're too smart to fall for a phishing scam, you're not.
06:21Cybercrime losses totaled $10.2 billion over the past decade.
06:26That's why it's so important to protect your personal data with Delete.me.
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