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00:00It was nice spending this time with you.
00:02Wait.
00:03I have a request.
00:05Yes?
00:06I'd like you to meet my mother.
00:07I see.
00:08Can I get back to you on that?
00:10Certainly.
00:11Good night.
00:12Good night.
00:19Letter. Letter. Letter. Letter. Letter. Letter. Letter. Letter. Letter. Letter. Letter. Letter. Letter. Letter.
00:30Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.
00:33Yeah, so?
00:35What does that mean?
00:37Well, you know how you're always saying that Amy is a girl who's your friend and not your girlfriend?
00:43Uh-huh.
00:44You can't say that anymore.
00:46What are you working on?
00:48I'm removing my digital footprint from the internet so Amy Farrah Fowler can't find me and compel me to meet her mother.
00:55Oh. You're going off the grid.
00:57Exactly.
00:58The old Unabomber approach. Kudos.
01:01Thank you. I've also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and email address.
01:09What if she just comes over?
01:11She'll get lost. We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles. We now live at 311 Los Robles.
01:23You changed the address on the building? What about mail?
01:26No worries. I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were,
01:31Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy.
01:41Who is it?
01:42Amy Farrah Fowler.
01:45Darn, she found me. She's been here before.
01:53The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan.
01:58It's nice to meet you too, Sheldon. I honestly didn't believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
02:05I assure you I am quite real and I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter.
02:12What?
02:14Oh yes. We are like wild animals in heat. It's a wonder neither of us has been hurt.
02:22Amy, what is he saying?
02:25You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is.
02:32Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.
02:38Oh yes. It's time for me to make love to your daughter's vagina.
02:47Thank you, Sheldon. That went very well.
02:49Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship.
02:59Bazinga.
03:02Bedtime. Please show yourself out.
03:06I'm sure in time that this one will make me...
03:08Oh jeepers creepers. That started up fast.
03:12I thought you might like it.
03:14Look at your 4K resolution. Next time we Skype, I'm going to count all those nostril hairs.
03:21Or you could just look into my eyes.
03:24You only have two eyes. You've got a lot of nostril hairs.
03:29Well, you know, as long as you're happy.
03:33You know, it's still a couple of hours until my bedtime.
03:44What did you have in mind?
03:47You look amazing.
03:53I mean, this resolution is remarkable.
03:59I really had to go home for this.
04:02Yes, but it's like you're right here in the room.
04:06And yet I'm not.
04:09But I feel like I could reach out and touch you.
04:13And yet you can't.
04:17I know.
04:21How are you settling in?
04:23Pretty well. Princeton has a beautiful campus.
04:26Yeah, I've learned some fun facts about New Jersey to help you make small talk.
04:30Would you like to know the state bird or the murder rate?
04:35They're both shocking.
04:38Actually, I want to hear about you. How are things at home?
04:41Well, I'm a lot less likely to see an eastern goldfinch or be murdered, I'll tell you that.
04:47I miss you.
04:49I miss you, too.
04:51It's so strange. Earlier today, I ended a sentence with a preposition, and you weren't there to correct my grammar.
04:57I'm sorry you had to go through that.
05:01In fact, that's when I started to really miss you.
05:07You know you just split an infinitive.
05:10Did I?
05:12Are you going to teach me a lesson?
05:17I am.
05:19It is naughty to put an adverb between the word to and the verb stem.
05:25What are you going to do about it?
05:28I'm going to admonish you.
05:31Vigorously?
05:34That's the only kind of admonishing I do.
05:38Have you considered massage?
05:40I'd like to respond to that sarcastically.
05:42Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.
05:48I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands.
05:52Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.
05:55Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process.
06:03All right.
06:04Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so.
06:10Rotating?
06:12You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.
06:16You mean the myofascial point?
06:18Obviously.
06:21Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well.
06:27Oh, dear Lord.
06:29Yes. Yes. Oh, yes.
06:33Amy, I've never been touched like this before.
06:37Oh, my hands are magic.
06:41Don't flatter yourself.
06:43Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system.
06:47I could just as easily have paralyzed you.
06:51Hi, Pen... Oh, hello, Leonard.
06:57Hello, Mother. How are you?
06:59Fine. And you?
07:00I'm great.
07:01Well, it's been lovely catching up.
07:03No, no, no. Hang on. We need to talk.
07:06Oh, brother.
07:09I want to know, why aren't you proud of me?
07:13Well, isn't the real question, why aren't you proud of yourself?
07:17No, that is a question, and I ask it a lot.
07:22But let's stick with the one I asked you.
07:25But why do you think I'm not proud of you?
07:27Because you never say it?
07:29But two days into chatting with Penny and you can't stop telling her how great she is.
07:33She is great.
07:35Honestly, of all of my children's spouses, she's the one that I'm most impressed by.
07:42Seriously?
07:43Yes. She's confident, she's thoughtful, and she never complained about you once.
07:48I know what kind of strength that takes.
07:53So, Penny's your favorite?
07:55I suppose she is.
07:57You married well, Leonard, and for that, I am proud of you.
08:05I don't... I don't... I don't know what to say.
08:07I'm also proud of how hard you're trying not to cry.
08:15Would you like to hang up now?
08:16Yeah, here it comes.
08:22What?
08:25Hello, father, we need to talk.
08:27Alright.
08:28I have come to an important decision. I will not be accepting your money anymore.
08:32I'm a man, and I can take care of myself.
08:35That's wonderful!
08:36Yes, that is wonderful. You will no longer be able to accuse me of being spoiled.
08:40I'm so proud of you.
08:42I'm trying to tell you off, and you're ruining it with your delight and relief.
08:47Sorry.
08:48Oh no, my grown son is going to stop spending all my money.
08:52Where did I fail as a father?
08:56Yeah, that's right. Keep asking yourself that.
09:00But I still love you very much, so don't cut me out of the will.
09:04Hi.
09:05Hi, sweetie.
09:07I miss you.
09:08I miss you too.
09:10So, tell me all about your first day.
09:12Oh, wow. Where do I even start?
09:15I got to experience zero gravity.
09:18Cool. How do they do that?
09:20It's pretty neat.
09:21You get in this plane that goes almost straight up for like 20 seconds,
09:26and then straight back down like it's going to crash.
09:30And they do it over and over again, no matter how many times you throw up.
09:37You threw up?
09:38Yeah.
09:39And the craziest part is, because there's no gravity, the throw up kind of floats there.
09:46In a little ball.
09:48And if your mouth is open, it's because you're screaming.
09:54Sometimes, it just floats right back in.
10:00Boy, does everyone laugh at you when that happens.
10:03That sounds mean.
10:05Oh, yeah, I would have laughed too, but I didn't want the vomit to come back out.
10:12Anyway.
10:14Could you do me a favor and overnight me some more underwear?
10:19Sure, why?
10:20I got to look at the centrifuge they're going to spin me around in tomorrow,
10:24and I have a hunch I packed a little light.
10:26Howie, what happened to you?
10:28We did overnight survival training in the wilderness.
10:33Big fun, big, big fun.
10:37I was going to freshen up for you, but I blacked out a little on the way to the bathroom.
10:45Survival training? Is that like camping?
10:47Uh-huh.
10:48Except you don't have food or water,
10:52and they don't have a sunset Sabbath service like they do at Camp Heskramer.
10:58Do you sleep in tents?
11:00No, I slept in a hole I dug in the ground with my bare hands.
11:09And at some point during the night, an armadillo crawled in
11:16and spooned me.
11:20Poor baby.
11:21But I did it. I survived.
11:24I wasn't sure I was going to when the sandstorm hit.
11:29Just pulled my turtleneck up over my head and waited for death.
11:36But somehow as I sat there, wrapped in a cocoon of my own neck sweat,
11:44I found that primal part of the human spirit that just wants to keep on living,
11:52no matter what the cost.
11:55You're so brave. I'm proud of you.
11:58I ate a butterfly.
12:06It was so small.
12:10Beautiful.
12:13I was so hungry.
12:18Are you crying?
12:20No, I don't think it's possible.
12:23I'm severely dehydrated.
12:27My pee is like toothpaste.
12:31Maui, if you're not able to do this, come home.
12:34It won't change how I feel about you.
12:37Thanks, honey.
12:38But I can't quit.
12:41If I do, I'll just be a guy who had a chance to be an astronaut and gave it up.
12:47Is there anything I can do to help?
12:50No.
12:52Weights and more underwear.
12:55Why did you spend a month's rent on a toy helicopter?
13:01Oh, you're where that bell goes.
13:04I'm tired of indulging your foolish lifestyle.
13:06It's time you learned responsibility.
13:08And the only way to teach you that is to cut off your allowance.
13:11No, daddy, no.
13:13There are lots of other ways to teach me responsibility.
13:15I know, you can give me an egg and make me take care of it for a week.
13:19No, my mind is made up.
13:21Starting now, you're on your own.
13:23But, daddy, I miss my family so much.
13:27And with you and mummy getting a divorce, I feel sad and empty.
13:31Buying a little toy every now and then helps me fill that void.
13:35So, while I can't hug you every day, flying that helicopter really makes...
13:39I'm cutting you off.
13:41Just to be clear, financially or mid-sentence?
13:46Hey, Priya.
13:47Hey, sweetheart. How's it going?
13:49Uh, not so good. We have to talk.
13:51Oh? Sounds serious. What's up?
13:55Okay, uh, here it is.
13:58I met this girl, and I kissed her, and I feel terrible about it, but it's done.
14:02It's never gonna happen again, and I am so, so sorry.
14:06No, no, relax. It's okay.
14:08It is?
14:09Yeah, these things happen. They happen to everybody.
14:13Oh, my God. You are amazing.
14:16I mean, I don't deserve you.
14:18What do you mean, everybody?
14:23Leonard, I didn't know if I should tell you, but I kind of cheated on you, too.
14:29Kind of?
14:32A couple of weeks ago, I slept with my ex-boyfriend.
14:37So I guess we both messed up a little.
14:41No, no, I messed up a little. You messed up a lot.
14:46Well, it's not a competition.
14:48Oh, yeah, it is, and you won.
14:53Leonard Hofstetter. Access granted.
14:56I don't care if this thing's burning out my retinas. It makes me feel special.
15:01Now, before we field test, I think we...
15:06What the hell? Where is everything?
15:09Who else has access to this room?
15:11It's a secure lab in a classified facility. Only the U.S. government and us.
15:15This is very disconcerting.
15:18But the movie did just get good.
15:24Sir, I'm sorry, but I just don't get it.
15:26You came into our lab in the middle of the night and took our prototype and all of our research and didn't even tell us?
15:33Sounds like you get it.
15:36Why would you do that?
15:38You guys completed phase one. We'll take it from here.
15:41Where did you move it?
15:43I can't tell you that.
15:44Are you implementing phase two?
15:46I can't tell you that.
15:48So you're just going to take all the work we've done for the last year and toss us aside?
15:53That one I can tell you. Yes.
15:58This is all very upsetting.
16:00I'm sorry to hear that.
16:01As you know, the primary focus of the United States military is people's feelings.
16:08If that's sarcasm, please save it for our enemies.
16:12We're going to combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.
16:32For me, vengeance.
16:33Yes, exactly.
16:35This is brilliant, Sheldon. How are we going to deploy it in Kripke's office?
16:38Already taken care of.
16:40Observe.
16:43This is a live shot of Kripke's lab via a mini webcam I was able to install,
16:48thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor's shirt pocket.
16:52At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.
16:59Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.
17:04You flatter me, sir.
17:07Let me guess, motion sensors?
17:08Yes. The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room.
17:17I gotta say, I am really impressed.
17:20This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even.
17:29It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.
17:35Here comes Kripke.
17:37Who is that with him?
17:39I believe that's the president of the university.
17:41And the board of directors. Abort! Abort!
17:43There is no abort.
17:44Well, how could you not put in an abort?
17:46I made a boo-boo, all right?
17:48I think the board will really appreciate how well we're using that NSA grant, President Sieber.
17:53Right here we have a micro-controlled plasma...
18:03Wow. Looks like the Ganges on laundry day.
18:07At least they don't know it was you.
18:10Hello, Kripke.
18:13This classic prank comes to you from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper.
18:19If you'd like to see the look on your stupid face, this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube.
18:26Oh, and a hat-tip to Leonard Hofstadter and Raj Koothrappali
18:31for their support and encouragement in this enterprise.
18:35Well, I'm going back to India. What's your plan?
18:39So, here we are. Back in bed together.
18:42Yep. Here we are.
18:48Okay, so I guess I'll just jump right in.
18:51All right.
18:55You're a naughty girl.
18:58You're a naughty girl.
19:04And I want to punish you with my love.
19:10What?
19:13Not good.
19:14That's terrible. Try again.
19:16Okay, you're not naughty.
19:21You're dirty.
19:23You're...
19:26You're a dirty girl?
19:29Oh, yes. Yes, I am.
19:32Yeah, yeah, okay. You're a...
19:36You're a dirty, disgusting, revolting girl.
19:47God, Leonard, stop talking.
19:50Just give me five minutes. I'll Google how to do this. I'll call you right back.
19:55Just be quiet and do what I tell you.
19:57Okay, like usual. Good.
20:00Take off your shirt.
20:02All righty. Shirt coming off.
20:07Ta-da, man nipples.
20:11I said be quiet.
20:12Yes, ma'am.
20:15Now, take off your shorts.
20:19Taking shorts off.
20:23There we go.
20:25Naked, naked, naked.
20:27Wonderful. Now I'll take off my clothes.
20:31Cool.
20:39Uh-oh.
20:42Here I am, baby. You missed these.
20:46Damn it.
20:47Oh, Leonard, already?
20:50No, no, no, no, no.
20:55The screen froze. It's probably just buffering. Just give it a second.
20:59Fine.
21:07So how are your mom and dad?
21:11Yeah, I really don't want to talk about my parents now.
21:13Yeah, sure, sure.
21:17If your video's frozen, try resetting the TCP IP stack.
21:22Oh.
21:26I didn't even think of that. Thanks.
21:27You're welcome.
21:29Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse.
21:32I'm trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.
21:38Do we really have to wear this camouflage crap to play paintball?
21:42Who said that?
21:43Yeah, Leonard, I can hear your voice, but I can't see you.
21:48Not in the mood, Sheldon.
21:51Oh, there you are.
21:54Leonard, I know you're upset about recent events, and I have someone here to help.
22:00I don't want to talk to Amy.
22:01No, it's not Amy.
22:04Hello, dear.
22:07You called my mother?
22:08Oh, Leonard, is it really necessary to caption the obvious?
22:13He's been like that since he was a toddler.
22:15Look, Mommy, a butterfly.
22:17Maddening.
22:21What's going on? What do you want?
22:22Sheldon informed me that you're experiencing an emotional upheaval, and I'm here to help.
22:29That's so nice.
22:30And we're back to the obvious.
22:34Now, what's up?
22:35Well, uh, okay.
22:41I don't want to get back together with Penny.
22:43We tried it, it was crazy, it didn't work.
22:46But I can't deal with the fact that she slept with my friend Raj.
22:50And then I find out that Raj's sister Priya, who I've been going out with for eight months, is moving back to India.
22:56So I'm just completely confused and alone.
22:59I understand.
23:01Got any advice?
23:02Yes.
23:04Vodka.
23:05Buck up.
23:08Excuse me, you're a world-renowned expert in parenting and child development, and all you've got is buck up?
23:14Sorry.
23:16Buck up sissy pants.
23:20Thanks, Mother, I feel much better.
23:22If you need any more help from me, my books are available on Amazon.
23:27Hello, Mommy, Daddy. How are you?
23:28Pretty good. Can't complain.
23:31Oh, I'm sure you can. Just give it a minute.
23:35Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about.
23:38I wasn't ready until now, but I think it's time.
23:43It's finally happening. You're coming out of the closet, aren't you?
23:47We love you and we accept your alternate lifestyle.
23:50Just keep it to yourself.
23:54No, I'm not gay.
23:57If anything, I'm metrosexual.
24:00What's that?
24:01It means I like women as well as their skincare products.
24:05Well, if you're not coming out, why did you call us during the cricket semi-finals?
24:10I'm tired of trying to meet someone, and I think I'd like you to help me find a wife.
24:18And just to clarify, a female wife.
24:22Yes!
24:24Matchmaking. Very smart move, son. Much better than marrying for love.
24:35We married for love.
24:38And it's been wonderful.
24:44Hello.
24:45Hello. Listen, I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think...
24:53I've been thinking about them too, Sheldon.
24:56Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I've been incredibly patient for years.
25:08Strongly disagree. Go on.
25:11Okay, well...
25:15This isn't easy to say because I love you, but...
25:21I need some time to take a step back and re-evaluate our situation.
25:29Oh.
25:31I hope you understand.
25:36Okay.
25:37Okay.
25:40Bye, Sheldon.
26:00Well, Gollum...
26:04You're an expert on rings.
26:07What do I do with this one?