Malcolm In The Middle Season 1 Episode 3 Home Alone 4
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00:00Oh, well, you know, we're close enough.
00:04I did the math once.
00:06It turns out every 17.4 dinners,
00:10my family actually has a pleasant meal together.
00:12Hey, look at this.
00:14I made a pee angel.
00:16Oh, you're a pee angel.
00:19Stop playing with your food.
00:26Oh, Mom.
00:27Mom.
00:28Mom, don't you dare.
00:31Relax, I wasn't really going to.
00:33Then don't.
00:34I wasn't going to.
00:36Then don't.
00:38Well, don't accuse me of something that I wasn't going to do.
00:44Interesting mood shift.
00:46It would take hours to explain the psychology behind this.
00:49So let me just put it this way.
00:52Dynamite, kid with matches.
00:55You're going to throw that, Mom.
00:58I wasn't going to.
00:59Oh, jeez, Louise.
01:01Reese.
01:02Cal, I can handle this.
01:04Reese, I'm warning you.
01:06I wasn't going to.
01:08But if you think I would, then maybe I should.
01:11Oh, good.
01:11Now he's panicking.
01:13Just put the spoon down and apologize.
01:17Okay.
01:18She gave him an out.
01:20Apologize for what?
01:21I wasn't going to do anything.
01:23Just stop talking.
01:24Just stop talking and let me think.
01:26Dad, do something.
01:28I got it.
01:28What do you think you're doing?
01:51I'm being cute and spontaneous.
02:17Don't do it.
02:18I wasn't going to.
02:21Yep.
02:22This is a good dinner.
02:23Yes, no, maybe.
02:29I don't know.
02:32Can you repeat the question?
02:35You're not the boss of me now.
02:38You're not the boss of me now.
02:41You're not the boss of me now.
02:43And you're not so big.
02:46You're not the boss of me now.
02:49You're not the boss of me now.
02:52You're not the boss of me now.
02:55And you're not so big.
02:59Life is unfair.
03:19Malcolm?
03:24Yeah?
03:25Can I see you for a minute, please?
03:37Dear...
03:38...Henthouse...
03:40...Yesterday, I pushed my friend Stevie down some stairs.
03:43Point?
03:45Taken.
03:46What?
03:53Malcolm?
03:53I'm a little concerned.
03:55You're doing very well in your studies, but...
03:59I still sense an emotional distance between us, and I hate it.
04:06...I'd really like us to try to connect on a deeper level.
04:13Whoa!
04:14She is coming on to me.
04:16I thought you were dating the janitor.
04:18Who told you that?
04:20God!
04:21One drink and the...
04:23Never mind.
04:24What I am trying to say is, I know your parents.
04:31I know you have a colorful home life.
04:34So, just remember, if you ever need anything at all, a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on, I want you to come to me.
04:44Yeah, that's what I need, another mom.
04:49Okay, great.
04:51Thanks a lot.
04:52Well, I gotta go.
04:54Do the...
04:55Thing.
04:56And then I drew a robot, Francis, but my crayon broke, and then I had a Popsicle.
05:04I mean, I had 12 Popsicles.
05:06You like Popsicles, Francis?
05:08Shut up, Dewey.
05:09Stop bugging Francis.
05:12I'm so glad you're home.
05:14You don't know what it's like dealing with these little kids all day.
05:16It's the coolest thing.
05:20It's the first time Francis is home from military school, mom and dad are going off to some wedding, and Francis is in charge of us for the whole weekend.
05:30I can't believe how much I missed him.
05:33Hey.
05:33Hmm.
05:35He's so great.
05:38Boys, the number for the hotel is on the counter.
05:43I left money for pizza, but I want a receipt and exact change.
05:46Well, that underwear is gonna wrinkle.
05:53You know, it's kind of nice having Francis back in the house, don't you think?
05:59What?
06:00Nothing.
06:01You're just cute when you think you're being subtle.
06:05Really?
06:09Of course it's nice having Francis home.
06:12Well, it's been a few months now.
06:13Maybe it's time to, you know, think about it.
06:17I don't know.
06:17Maybe.
06:18Let's see how he does this weekend.
06:23God, I hate this hairdo.
06:26I don't even know why I bother trying to impress your family anymore.
06:29They've always hated me.
06:30Well, you are the one who stole their little Hallie away from them.
06:34Better get moving.
06:40And then it got away.
06:42But I found another one.
06:44But it died.
06:45And then...
06:46I said leave him alone, you bop munch.
06:48Let me go.
06:50Make me.
06:50Ow!
06:51Ow!
06:51Ow!
06:52Ow!
06:52Ow!
06:53Ow!
06:53Ow!
06:54Ow!
06:54Ow!
06:55Ow!
06:55Ow!
06:56Ow!
06:56Ow!
06:57Ow!
06:57Ow!
06:58Ow!
06:58Ow!
06:59Ow!
06:59Listen for a second.
07:00I just heard mom and dad.
07:02They're thinking about letting Francis come home.
07:07You serious?
07:09Yeah.
07:10They want to see how he does with us this weekend.
07:13Okay?
07:13So we can't screw up.
07:15Cool.
07:16Let's go tell him.
07:17No!
07:18You know how Francis gets when people tell him what to do?
07:20I am warning you.
07:23If you get your nose pierced, you are going to military school.
07:27And I mean it.
07:28Really.
07:29Do you hear me?
07:33Hey mom.
07:36What's for dinner?
07:40Right.
07:41What are we gonna do?
07:42We're gonna be good.
07:43That's what.
07:44How do we be good?
07:46I don't know.
07:47Honestly, it's never come up before.
07:50Look.
07:51We're just not gonna do anything.
07:53That way we can't get in any trouble.
07:56Honey.
07:57We're late.
07:58We better hit the road.
08:00Fine.
08:01I'll shave my legs in the car.
08:03Okay.
08:05I've marked all the liquor bottles.
08:06And we can taste when they're watered down.
08:08I've locked out the smut channel on the TV.
08:10Counted your father's cigars.
08:12I've checked the odometer on the car.
08:13I know the exact balance of all our credit cards.
08:16We love you.
08:17Have a good time.
08:18And just remember.
08:18Dewey will tell us everything you did while we're gone.
08:22Uh, what your mother said, boys.
08:25Minus one.
08:25Don't even think about it.
08:38Think about what?
08:39She's bluffing.
08:40Okay, I am gonna show you guys the coolest thing you've ever seen.
08:45Get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron, one of dewey stuffed animals.
08:51The furrier, the better.
08:52Actually, we're kind of tired.
08:55We're kind of tired.
08:56Tired?
08:57Yeah.
08:58Uh, tired.
09:00I'm not tired.
09:02Okay, I'm tired.
09:05Let's just go watch TV.
09:08Whatever.
09:09I've never seen this kind of excitement.
09:18This plan better work.
09:20The only thing worse than no TV is golf on TV.
09:25Oh, come on, guys.
09:27Let's go outside.
09:28Let's go do something.
09:29No, they're only on the sixth hole.
09:33They're only on the sixth hole.
09:35Hello?
09:40Francis!
09:41Bud, I heard you were in town.
09:43You the man, Francis!
09:45Hey, guys.
09:46What's going on?
09:48Same old, same old, man.
09:52Oh, Circus says hi.
09:55Dude, you're not gonna believe it.
09:58I finally moved out.
09:59I'm living in the basement now.
10:01Total freedom, dude!
10:03You the man, Francis!
10:06Mom, you're supposed to not.
10:10Dude, we're coming over.
10:11Okay.
10:12Hey, Richie and the guys are coming over.
10:15Maybe they shouldn't.
10:16You know, Mom and Dad are gone.
10:18Okay, got it.
10:20Hey, Richie, listen to me.
10:22I'm watching my brother, so we gotta hang here.
10:24And no parties, okay?
10:26I'm serious.
10:28It's gotta be just the three of you.
10:29Huh.
10:30You wouldn't think only three guys could do so much damage.
10:38Call us next time you're in town!
10:40You the mayor, Francis!
10:41You're trying to seduce me.
10:56I can't believe we're going to this wedding.
11:01What a waste of time.
11:02Oh, come on.
11:03I promise.
11:04It'll be fun.
11:04Hal, I'm not Dewey.
11:07Sorry.
11:08But still, we're alone.
11:10We're away from the kids.
11:11Right now, we're just two unencumbered, consenting adults.
11:16I say we enjoy it.
11:19Yeah, you're right.
11:22It will be nice to have some time for just the two of us.
11:25And I'm gonna love not having to yell at somebody every 20 seconds.
11:31Either speed up or go off the road, jackass!
11:37Absolutely deserved it.
11:41I hate those guys!
11:46Did you see Circus break that cinder block with his head?
11:49That's a good lesson for you guys.
11:51It didn't break the first six times.
11:52Did he quit trying?
11:54No, sir.
11:56Francis, we have to clean this up!
11:59Yeah.
12:00No, I mean now!
12:02If Mom and Dad see this, they'll freak!
12:04It's the one assistant, they always freak.
12:06I'm used to it.
12:07No, this is different.
12:09We have to clean it up!
12:10Okay, what's with you guys?
12:12I'm in charge here.
12:13I'm the only one who's gonna get in trouble.
12:14Just relax.
12:15Well, we want you to come home.
12:19What?
12:19I heard not my dad talking.
12:21This weekend is like a test for you.
12:24Or a trap.
12:25If you do good, they may let you come home.
12:27And if you don't, they're gonna toss your butt back into military school.
12:31Okay, look, I...
12:31Francis, it sucks around here without you.
12:34Can't you just try for our sake?
12:38Look, guys, I appreciate your sentiment.
12:41But they're not gonna decide my whole future based on how I behave over one weekend without
12:46even telling me about it.
12:47It's too arbitrary.
12:49It's unreasonable.
12:50It's mom!
12:53Okay, let's clean up.
12:54And I'm not done it.
13:12And I won't be till my head falls high.
13:18It's perfect.
13:25The house has never been this clean.
13:27Uh-oh.
13:28What?
13:30It's too clean.
13:32You're right.
13:34You'll never buy it.
13:35And I won't be till my head falls high.
13:48So it may not be a complete heart.
13:54I won't be done until my head falls high.
14:02Looks like we're the only ones who gave them pot holders.
14:19Oh, hi.
14:22It's great to see you.
14:23You too.
14:24You look terrific.
14:26How long do you think it's been?
14:28I don't know.
14:30Will you excuse me?
14:32Well, that was worth driving 600 miles for.
14:46Who was that guy?
14:48It's the groom, Hal.
14:52I wish people would wear name tags of these things.
14:59Perfect.
14:59Nice touch with the breadcrumbs, Dewey.
15:02Huh?
15:04I clipped my toenails on the coffee table.
15:07Atta boy.
15:08She will never know a thing.
15:09Wait.
15:17Ta-da!
15:18Malcolm.
15:18Malcolm.
15:32Malcolm.
15:32You okay?
15:33I think so.
15:36Hold still.
15:37Come here.
15:38Let me see it.
15:39Let me see it.
15:40How does it look?
15:42Not too bad.
15:44Please face my bone!
15:46Oh, man. What's that white stuff? Is that bone?
15:49What?
15:50Reese, get ice and some paper towels. Sit down. You have to put pressure on it.
15:53Ow! Ow! Ow!
15:54I'm sorry. I have to put pressure on it.
15:56Reese, give me the ice. Come on.
15:58Grab the ice. We got this.
16:00Fine. Give me some antiseptic.
16:04Don't answer that. Look at the machine.
16:06Huh?
16:07Hi, Dewey.
16:09Hi, Mom.
16:10Hi. We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis.
16:13He's in the bathroom.
16:17Oh, well, let me talk to Malcolm.
16:19He's in the bathroom.
16:21They're both in the bathroom?
16:23What are they doing in there?
16:25I have to go to the bathroom.
16:31We have to get you stitches. Let's go to the hospital.
16:33No, you can't. Mom and Dad will find out.
16:36Malcolm, this is a head injury. You could have a concussion.
16:40Concussion?
16:41Concussion? I think he's making too much of this.
16:44I'm not as fickle as he hoogers.
16:47No! I don't care. I'm not going to the hospital.
16:51Do you hear me? There is no way that I...
16:55Get the car.
16:56I can't see anything.
17:01Do you want to get blood off the car?
17:03Wait. We can't take the car.
17:05Bill, no.
17:06Mom checked the odometer, remember?
17:09I'm on top of it.
17:11Wait! High school!
17:17Oh, Malcolm, you should see this!
17:20Francis is kicking ass.
17:22I hate this 80's crap.
17:24One good thing about a head injury?
17:26There's a good chance I won't remember any of this.
17:29Oh, great. A one-way street.
17:31How does that work if I'm going backwards?
17:35And on this joyous day,
17:37as we celebrate the occasion of two souls joining into one...
17:43And now...
17:45You think this is going to be one of those long surfaces?
17:51What's wrong?
17:53Conduct yourselves forward one another to become...
17:56Did you know that your family has given me a nickname?
18:00Really?
18:02That's nice.
18:03What is it?
18:07Lois Common Denominator.
18:15Hey, come on.
18:17It's just that they've never seen anyone like you.
18:20You...
18:21I mean, you're...
18:22You're honest and...
18:24Unpretentious...
18:27Direct.
18:29You're baffled by that.
18:33I'm the only one that gets you, Lois.
18:36And frankly, I...
18:39I like that.
18:42It kind of makes you my secret treasure.
18:51Oh, hell.
18:57Between the Lord and us, his servants,
19:00two people brought together in love.
19:20Oh, for God's sake, you kids again.
19:26And a head injury.
19:28You boys like to keep it interesting, don't you?
19:32We kind of have a history here.
19:34I was in the right place, but it must have been the wrong time.
19:39I was in the right thing, but I was in the wrong line.
19:44I was in the right world.
19:47It seemed like it's wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.
19:51Oh, no.
19:59Look, Doc, about the bill.
20:02Oh, don't worry. We'll send it to your parents.
20:05Yeah, well...
20:07We were kind of thinking we'd pay for it now.
20:09Okie dokie, but it's probably going to be about $400.
20:13What?
20:14Don't you have some kind of frequent customer discount?
20:17Like at the car wash?
20:19Or maybe we could work it off.
20:21We could empty bedpans or wash cadavers.
20:24It's probably not nearly as cool as it sounds.
20:27Sorry.
20:33Well, we're screwed.
20:36Come on.
20:38There's got to be something we can do.
20:40Someone we can call.
20:42There's no one, Malcolm.
20:44Actually, there might be.
20:46But I'm not sure if it's worth it.
20:48Oh!
20:50Malcolm!
20:52Are you alright?
20:53Sorry you took me so long.
20:55I was having a little chardonnay when you called and I had to take a cab.
20:58Oh, God, I knew we made a deeper connection.
21:01I just knew it.
21:03Now, I know it's going to be hard to turn against your parents, but in time you'll see it.
21:08No! You don't understand.
21:09My parents didn't do this.
21:11It was just an accident.
21:12And you can't find out about it.
21:14What?
21:16It's kind of complicated.
21:18See, my parents are away at a wedding.
21:21And my brother's home from military school to take care of us.
21:25And you know, I don't think people should be punished just because their dad uses cheap nails.
21:29And we need...
21:30We need $400, lady.
21:32Will you let me talk?
21:34We need the money for the doctor bill because if my parents find out that I got hurt, then they'll send Francis away and we'll never see him again.
21:43And, you know, we love him.
21:45We love him.
21:48Malcolm, I can't do that.
21:52But you said if I ever needed anything...
21:54Yes! I was talking about emotional stuff.
21:58I...
22:00Do you have any idea what a teacher owns?
22:03I have $62 in my checking account.
22:06They take credit cards.
22:09I'm sorry.
22:12I'm...
22:13I'm...
22:14I'm just sorry.
22:21We can break her.
22:22Guilt.
22:23Go for guilt.
22:24I got it.
22:26That's okay.
22:28Thanks anyway.
22:30Well, Squirt.
22:32Looks like I'm going to be going back to military school.
22:36And I'm not going to see you for a really, really long time.
22:41But I need you to be brave.
22:43Can you do that for me?
22:44Huh, Squirt?
22:46Stop, Francis!
22:48I wish I could, kiddo.
22:50But I can't.
22:55Why are you doing this?
22:57I'm not doing this, do we?
22:59It's just the way life is sometimes.
23:04Please stop crying.
23:07I know it does.
23:08It hurts me, too.
23:10Wait!
23:11I'll...
23:12I'll do it.
23:14This Jamaica isn't going anywhere.
23:18Where is my credit card?
23:20It fell out of your wallet.
23:23How did that happen?
23:24Let's go.
23:25The processing room is right over there.
23:26No, it's right here in the vending machine.
23:30Thank you!
23:31Well, you take one for the team, buddy.
23:34When we get home, you can eat ice cream until you puke.
23:38Yay!
23:39I've got a bottle!
23:40Oh!
23:41Oh!
23:42Oh!
23:43Oh!
23:44Oh!
23:45Oh!
23:46Oh!
23:47Oh!
23:48Oh!
23:49Oh!
23:51Oh!
23:53Oh!
23:54Well...
23:55I don't see any holes.
23:56Huh. Well, I don't see any holes or crappy attempts to plaster them up.
24:11But I'm sure there's something. There's always something.
24:18What are you hiding underneath that hat?
24:22Nothing. I was just wearing...
24:25You boys.
24:35That's it? So you guys think Francis did a good job taking care of us, then?
24:40Oh, great job. Yeah, absolutely.
24:44You know, Francis, we were having our doubts about that school, but it's really matured you.
24:48In fact, I think it's the best decision we ever made.
24:51Mm-hmm.
24:55Mom, 62,437. Kids, zero.
25:01So we get to see Francis again in a month or two.
25:08I know. It sucks. But we gave it a shot.
25:12And school's easier now because Caroline won't even make eye contact with me anymore.
25:17So it wasn't a complete waste.
25:19And Mom always says, it's not a wasted experience if you learn something from it.
25:25And I definitely think I did.
25:27Okay!
25:28Ready!
25:28Ready!