Malcolm In The Middle Season 1 Episode 9 Lois Vs Evil
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00:00My brother, I only like me.
00:03I hate my brother, I only like me.
00:08Stop it, what? I mean it!
00:12What are you going to be done?
00:14As soon as I can, honey.
00:16I said stop it!
00:19I hate my brother, I only like me.
00:30I have a cross, my mother the blank.
01:00I know a lot of kids say they like school, but honestly, I just find it exhausting.
01:15I mean, when I am in school, I'm either bored, terrified, or confused about Julie Hulerman.
01:36Hi Malcolm.
01:38Perfect example. What does she mean by that?
01:41Is it just hi? Is she trying to say she likes me? Is she just being nice?
01:46And now, I have to figure out a secret way to answer her without A, acting like I like her,
01:51or B, acting like I don't like her, or C, acting like I've even never thought about A or B.
01:57Just be pleasant, but non-committal.
02:01Hey, Jewel.
02:06She's doing this to me on purpose.
02:11How are you?
02:12Oh, my God!
02:15How are you?
02:21Stanley, you are incredible.
02:23I thought Malcolm was a genius, but this is off the charts.
02:27Can the school ask for an honor guard?
02:29I figured you'd like a few weeks without drill practice.
02:32A pageant, though?
02:33Beautiful girls with self-esteem issues.
02:37It's perfect.
02:40Easy.
02:41Let's start with the obvious runners-up.
02:44They're gonna be the neediest.
02:51You know, uh, this is a little intense.
02:55You, me, working this shelf together.
02:59What's intense about it?
03:03I guess nothing.
03:05Excuse me?
03:10Mom!
03:12Not supposed to yell in the store.
03:14Not supposed to do that, either.
03:16Life's funny that way.
03:18Hey!
03:20The three musketeers!
03:23Athos, Aramis, and you must be Porthos.
03:26You're creepy.
03:29You really shouldn't say hurtful things to grown-ups.
03:33I'm sorry.
03:34That's okay, boy.
03:35We're still friends.
03:37Craig!
03:38You have got to redo the nail polish.
03:40The crystal pinks are mixed with the frosty pinks
03:42are mixed with the God knows what.
03:44Right away, Mr. Pitter.
03:45Right away, Mr. Pitter.
04:01Okay, I'm off work in five minutes.
04:04Don't touch the register.
04:06Don't touch the candy.
04:07Don't touch the price takes, and don't touch the microphones.
04:10And that includes, by accident, that includes just looking.
04:13That includes hovering with your finger a half inch away from it.
04:17Fair warning.
04:28Dare you.
04:30Go ahead.
04:31You do it.
04:32I'll do it.
04:33Yeah, right.
04:34I will.
04:35This isn't baby stuff, do we?
04:37Yeah.
04:38Go read the horsey up front.
04:43Horsey.
04:44I gotta remember that.
04:46It's the microphone.
04:48Registered.
04:50Candy.
04:52Priestess.
04:55Steam cleaner.
05:06Boys!
05:09It's not what it looks like.
05:15Oh, hello, boys.
05:17How long are you in for?
05:19Another hour.
05:21Yow.
05:23Hi.
05:25Did you see Dewey outside?
05:27What's wrong?
05:28I don't know, but something's upsetting him.
05:30He didn't say a word on the way home, and now I just can't find him anywhere.
05:36Hmm.
05:38Hey, I'll check your special place.
05:41Dewey?
05:43You in there, buddy?
05:45No.
05:47What's wrong, pal?
05:49I did something bad.
05:51They told me to ride a horse, and I'm not a baby, but I would have played with the carpet cleaner, and I didn't have a quarter anywhere.
05:58Uh-huh.
05:59Uh, Dewey, honey?
06:01Uh, Daddy's getting a cramp in his leg.
06:03What did you do?
06:05I took something from Mommy's store.
06:07Well, that's very serious.
06:09What did you take?
06:11A candy bar?
06:13No, it's not a candy bar.
06:15Oh.
06:17What is it?
06:19A hundred and fifty dollar bottle of cognac?
06:23How could you take this?
06:25I'm sorry.
06:26My God, would you look at this thing.
06:27Can you imagine the man who spends a hundred and fifty bucks on a bottle of cognac?
06:32What do you think a guy like that pays for socks?
06:34Oh, Dewey, what am I gonna do with you?
06:37This works pretty good, Mom.
06:38Go get your jacket.
06:41We're going back to the store.
06:43You are gonna return this bottle to Mr. Pinter, apologize, and accept the consequences.
06:49What do you mean, fired?
06:52You can't fire me for this!
06:53Sorry, store policy is very clear about stealing.
06:56But he didn't steal it.
06:58He returned it.
06:59It's right there.
07:00The bottle is perfect.
07:01You can just put it right back on the shelf.
07:03I already marked it out of inventory.
07:04My hands are tied here.
07:05What are you talking about?
07:09You don't even do inventory.
07:11You foisted off on me because you make so many mistakes.
07:14You're not exactly making me regret my decision here, Lois.
07:18Mom?
07:19Oh, honey, it's okay, it's okay.
07:22This is just an excuse.
07:25You have hated me since the minute you got here because I was first choice for your job and I turned it down.
07:32You know, you think what you want, okay?
07:35At least I didn't raise a thief.
07:44Velcro, I win the pool.
07:49No!
07:55Sweet home, Alabama
08:02Where the skies are so blue
08:09Sweet home, Alabama
08:15Boy, I'm coming home
08:19Oh, very, very nice, Bridget. That was very nice.
08:33Oh, Francis, I wanted to thank you again for being so helpful.
08:38Usually the honor guards just sit around and gawk,
08:41but you've really thrown yourself into this whole hog, haven't you?
08:46What can I say? I love the theater.
08:49Francis, will you help me decide on my leg extensions?
08:54Which do you think looks better, right leg or left leg?
09:03Hmm. Can you do both?
09:14It's been ten days since Mom lost her job.
09:17Yesterday, for dinner, we had macaroni and rice. Today, it's rice and macaroni.
09:21Mom, I can't eat the stuff anymore.
09:23Reese, this is not the time for complaining.
09:25I'm not complaining. I'm constipated.
09:27I'm sorry, we can't afford to live lavishly anymore.
09:29Drink your milk.
09:31Then chew it.
09:33Hey, come on. We can do this.
09:35We've had to economize before.
09:37Remember when Grandma drove into the living room?
09:39Or last year when we were saving up for Disneyland.
09:43We're going to Disneyland?
09:45No. It's like that. Except this time we're just trying to keep the house.
09:49Okay, everybody, stop worrying. I am going to find another job. Another cashier job with flexible hours that allows me to leave whenever I need to take care of my kids.
10:07Well, can't you get unemployment or something?
10:11No. I only worked 38 hours a week. They consider that part-time.
10:15You know, I hope you are at least learning something from all this.
10:19Yeah. If you do something bad, don't tell.
10:23No. We did the right thing. That's what's important.
10:27Can't we at least do a loaded laundry or something? Everything I have stinks.
10:33Yeah. He wants to smell good for Julie.
10:37Malcolm.
10:39Yeah, yeah.
10:47It was worth it.
10:49So we can't do laundry. We have to share baths. And yesterday, she had her cable turned off.
10:55Our cable!
10:59How's your love life?
11:03What?
11:04So basically, everything I tell you in confidence is a friend, you're going to use to make fun of me.
11:09I have nothing else.
11:13Hi, Malcolm. You want to split lunches?
11:16What?
11:18Yeah, sure.
11:20I have a Chinese chicken salad, tangerine, and ooh, Jordan almonds. What do you have?
11:46Leftover eggs from breakfast?
11:50Oh.
11:51I'm on a special diet. For sports.
11:56Ooh, I forgot. I have to go. Work out. I'll see you later.
12:01I can't take this anymore. Everything I want, I can't have. Anything that's nice, I can't do. Everyone in the world gets to do everything except me.
12:15Malcolm.
12:16Malcolm.
12:17Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know there's other people worse off than me. You know what? I don't care. I'm sick of going to school every day smelling like feet.
12:26Malcolm.
12:27Malcolm.
12:28I hate being poor, okay? I mean, is that so bad? Why is that like some big character flaw? It's not my fault we're poor.
12:36Malcolm.
12:39You, um, left your rack back.
12:42Maybe you should try taking a really deep breath before you start talking.
12:52Yeah.
12:56Francis, where have you been? I've been looking for you for days.
13:00I'm sorry, Dad. I've just been buried here.
13:03Okay, listen, I've got kind of a bad news, good news thing here. Your mom lost her job. We're pretty broke. The good news is that makes your tuition an issue. I think I can talk her into letting you come home.
13:21Dad, no, I can't come home. Marlon Academy is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am in a crucial point in my rehabilitation.
13:30Uh-huh. What's your name?
13:32That's the thing. There's like ten of them.
13:41Check the people. If they've got a hand truck, don't open it.
13:50Craig, what are you doing here?
13:52Well, I just had a meeting with Mr. Pinner.
13:55Well, more like an hour of banking, really. But the point is, you can have your old job back.
14:01Craig, that is such good news!
14:05And all you have to do is apologize.
14:09And let him dock your pay $150.
14:13And you have to work the graveyard shift for a couple months.
14:17Oh.
14:19Sounds good, Mom.
14:20No, thanks.
14:21What? You're kidding!
14:22Why?
14:23Because!
14:24That's like admitting he's right! I'm not gonna do that!
14:29Lois, if this makes any difference, I will work every graveyard shift right alongside you. Every single one of them.
14:37Oh, hey, Craig. What's going on?
14:38Nothing.
14:40Just business.
14:42Take it easy, Tiger.
14:44We're working.
14:45Well, I am.
14:49Hi.
14:51Back to the grind.
14:56Nice guy.
14:57Thank you, Tanya.
15:10Now we've got Mr. Pinner.
15:12Tanya, that was fantastic. I swear, when you put tap to it, the Pledge of Allegiance just comes alive.
15:18One suggestion. Do you have a tube top?
15:21Oh, Frances. You were just wonderful. I mean, you're so different than the local boys. I mean, I haven't even known you that long, and I already feel so connected to you.
15:36I know. It's almost mystical.
15:39Yeah. And I'm so glad the gay thing isn't an issue.
15:43You're gay?
15:45Oh, no, silly. You are.
15:47Wait, you think I'm gay?
15:50Oh, you don't have to hide anything, honey. I mean, we're a lot more liberal here than you think we are. I mean, it's not like Birmingham.
16:01Wait a minute. You think I'm gay? Why do you think I'm gay?
16:06Oh, come on. You like the theater, you're good with decorating, and you're completely obsessed with your mother.
16:14Can you undo my hooks?
16:20Tanya, I'm kind of having a dilemma here.
16:23Oh, great. Franny!
16:25Can you spray me?
16:27My feet keeps riding up.
16:34That's why I'm here, girlfriend.
16:44So, what did you want to talk about?
16:46I mean, you're a teacher. Can't we just talk?
16:50You know, that Julie Hulerman is a very special little girl.
16:57Oh, come on!
17:00Caroline, I don't want to-
17:01Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm. So private. So guarded. But you don't have to be that way with me.
17:10I'm on your side. Julie knows that. She's not even in my class.
17:17Did she talk to you? About me? What'd she say?
17:21Aw, nothing that wasn't obvious already. You know, when you open up to people, you will always be surprised just how well things turn out.
17:32Surprise!
17:33Isn't it wonderful? Julie organized the whole thing herself and everyone in school responded.
17:50Dear Malcolm, this isn't just food. It's an expression of how we all feel about you. Our hearts go out to you in your time of need.
18:02You're gonna keep the food? Yes. I'm not gonna throw away perfectly good pie filling and lamb chutney.
18:17Don't you even care how humiliating this is? We've done can drives. This is just the crap people buy when they clean out their garage.
18:24Okay, just stop it. I know how hard this is, but no one ever said life is fair.
18:31Sometimes decent, hard-working people get dumped on for no good reason and they just have to wipe out their eyes and keep on walking.
18:37Something will turn up. We just have to hold on a little bit longer.
18:41And in the meantime, be thankful for small favors. Anyone want the last olive?
18:47Those aren't olives. Those are peaches.
18:51Well, you got him here early, that's good. They'll be fine in a few days.
18:56She's all gone on. I'm gone on walking.
18:59I'm walking.
19:01Something will turn up. We just have to hold on a little bit longer.
19:04And in the meantime, be thankful for small favors.
19:06Anyone want the last olive?
19:09Those aren't olives. Those are peaches.
19:13Well, you got them here early. That's good.
19:15well you got him here early that's good he'll be fine in a few days just like when this one
19:23ate the frog i only ate half of it i won't put the stomach pump on the bill i mean he did most
19:32of the work on the way over thanks don uh listen as far as the bill goes what kind of neighborhood
19:40are we in well the emergency room a couple days of observation probably three or four three four
20:10okay you boys take care of your dad i'm gonna go see mr pinter and beg for my job back what mom wait
20:18you don't have to do that yes i do i don't want to shouldn't have to but guess what i do
20:25but i want you boys to understand something i am not going back on anything i said before
20:31she's completely going back on it but i'm not going to kick her when she's down
20:36you're totally going back on it no i am not everything i said before still goes
20:43you know sometimes bad things happen and you don't understand why
20:47and you just have to trust that there's a good reason for it
20:51sure it's easy to work in mysterious ways when you have a job
20:57the first one who laughs gets their ass kicked
21:13you have incredible hands
21:23well it's easy on such a beautiful back
21:27not to mention the most talented
21:31sweet
21:34sexy
21:37what
21:42francis
21:44are you sure you're really
21:48how you are
21:51tanya i'm so confused
21:56i mean i thought
21:59that i was but when i'm around you i have these
22:03strange new feelings
22:06i feel like
22:09maybe i could
22:11change
22:13and that you could be the woman who changes me
22:18no princess
22:20i was hoping you'd say that
22:25i want to be that woman for you
22:29and don't you worry honey
22:33if there's one thing we know how to do down here
22:36it's how to fix this
22:40and with god's help
22:44we can say no
22:46to weakness
22:48we can say no
22:50to all things unnatural
22:52it is procreation
22:55not recreation
22:56and when satan tempts us
23:00what do we do
23:01pray out the gay
23:03get to it
23:05i have to say lois i'm surprised by this change in your attitude
23:18yeah well me too
23:21i know we've had our differences
23:23but i hope that we can make all this water under the bridge
23:28so if you just sign here
23:31what's this
23:33your apology
23:34i think i captured your voice rather nicely
23:37you want it in writing
23:41yes
23:42look lois you can tell these clowns whatever you want
23:47that i got on my knees and begged you to come back
23:50i don't care
23:50i just want you and i to know how things really are
23:54it's not a signature
24:16no it's more of a suggestion
24:18the horse you rode in on is optional
24:21now look
24:22no you look
24:23i don't deserve this
24:25the only thing i ever did wrong was all the work i did to cover your butt
24:29well we obviously have different definitions of wrong
24:32yeah i guess we do
24:34for instance i think it's wrong for you to put your name on sales report that you didn't write
24:40i think it's wrong you keep a little bag of herbs in your bottom left drawer
24:44i think it's wrong you slept with the district manager's wife
24:47and you want to know something
24:49you don't even have to worry about it
24:52because i also think it's wrong to blab this kind of thing
24:55you know you should be so glad that i'm the only one that knows this stuff about you
25:02anyone else here would sell you down the river in a second
25:08god i am so much better than you
25:14yeah he just ran off and quit for no reason
25:33who knows why
25:36see you do the right thing and everything works out for the best
25:46clean
25:47i have ho-hos real ho-hos
25:52you know i'm sure i'm neglecting my spiritual side but money rules
25:58the best part is i can finally get everything straightened out with june
26:03hi malcolm
26:05look you're not poor anymore so don't want anymore of your stupid pity okay
26:10that helped right
26:15right
26:22you
26:26you
26:28you
26:32you
26:34you
26:36you
26:38you
26:40you
26:42you
26:57you