Murphy Brown Season 7 Episode 18 A Rat's Tale
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00:00I told her Jimmy, Freddie, Teddy, and Benjo
00:05They knew better, Mama, shake off that dream
00:09Hey, I told her that you really were cooking
00:14My love is ballin' while I turn it to Steve
00:18Hey, Ghost, my love, life's burnin'
00:22My whole life's yearnin' for you
00:26Hey, baby, baby
00:29Geez, Jim, I said I was sorry
00:32Yes, well, in the future, Slugger, when I'm driving the carpool
00:35And we get pulled over by the police, I would appreciate it if you let me talk to the officer
00:39Fine, fine, this is what I get for trying to help
00:42Murphy, you pushed your nose up like this and snorted like a pig
00:48Did you see the way he yanked Jim out of the car?
00:51I've never heard anybody actually say, kiss the hood and spread him before
00:54I sure picked the wrong day to skip breakfast
00:58Thank God for donuts
01:00Look at this
01:02Who took a bite out of this one?
01:04Ew, there are bites out of all of them
01:07Who would do something like that?
01:09Okay, you caught me
01:15I drove all the way here just so I could take a bite out of every donut
01:19Then drove all the way home and waited for carpools so no one would be the wiser
01:23Well, whoever did it must have been really hungry, it looks like they chewed right through the box
01:28Well, you're right
01:29You don't suppose it could be a mouse, do you?
01:32Oh, gee, rolls
01:33You, man, honestly, where I grew up there were lots of mice
01:37Believe you me, there's no way that was a mouse
01:39It was probably a rat
01:41Oh, it's a rat, what's the big deal?
01:45So what?
01:46So what?
01:47Rats are filthy and disgusting and they carry disease
01:50And they can grow quite large
01:52The cousin of a friend of a friend of Doris' was vacationing in Mexico
01:56And found this adorable little stray dog on the street
01:59Well, they brought it home, took it to a vet, and would you believe it turned out to be a long-haired Mexican rat?
02:08Oh, come on, Jim, that's just an old urban legend
02:11Oh, really?
02:12Well, tell that to Doris' friend's friend's cousin
02:15Oh, it's just a stupid rat, I think we can take care of it
02:20All I need is a couple of traps, a little dab of peanut butter, and whack, no more rat
02:25Now, don't we have a story meeting? Get started, come on
02:28Okay
02:30First off, I want to remind everyone that McGovern's in Cleveland for the next few weeks doing a feature on the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
02:37And you should also know I've had her office sealed so we won't have a repeat of that unpleasant squid incident
02:45Now, on a lighter note, I have some good news
02:47The renovation is nearly complete on the old ground floor studio downstairs
02:51We should be able to move into our new FYI set with its Window on America for next week's show as scheduled
02:58Hey, now come on, we discussed this
03:00The network feels at the window, the Window on America will open things up
03:05You know, show her in touch with the people on the street
03:08Miles, this is Washington, D.C.
03:10The only people we're gonna see on the street are deposed Democrats squeegeeing windshields for spare change
03:17Ah, delightful
03:18Tell me, what lovely vision we'd be treated to first?
03:21A drunken college freshman pressing his naked buttocks against the glass?
03:26Or perhaps a visiting diplomat being viciously mugged by some local street thug?
03:30I'm betting on the buttocks
03:32Not to worry, the network has spent $20 million renovating a force
03:36No expense has been spared, including 8-inch thick reinforced glass
03:41It's shatterproof, bulletproof, and yes, buttock-proof
03:45Who cares? I found a great source for my story on Medicare fraud
03:49And by the time I get finished blowing the lid off this thing
03:52Nobody's gonna be worrying about sets or buttocks or stupid windows
03:57Window on America
03:59What?
04:01Hey, that slogan was shown to 15 focus groups
04:04And came in right above have no opinion
04:06So you learn to love it
04:08All right, people, listen up
04:19I just came from a meeting with the brass upstairs
04:21And they've asked if we could tighten our belts a bit
04:24Now, now, now, now
04:26It's just until we can make up for some teensy little cost overruns with the new set
04:30Teensy? How teensy?
04:31A few thousand or a million dollars
04:36They won't be sure until the project accountant gets back from his trial in Orange County
04:42Listen, the point is the network is still very excited about our window
04:47Our window on America
04:49And they feel that Murphy's Medicare fraud story is just the piece to kick off the new set on tomorrow's show
04:55I don't believe this
04:57There goes my Medicare fraud story
04:59Oh?
05:00Yeah, I got no source
05:01I left his phone number on my desk
05:03And then look at this
05:04Half the numbers have been chewed through
05:06Hey, I'll bet it was that rat
05:10And here I was trying to match the tooth pattern to Leslie Stahl's over by G-Frank, you think?
05:17He's gotta get that number or we're dead
05:20Hey, tell it to the little rat
05:21This was my only copy
05:22Oh, sure, he could've chowed down on some nice tasty area code
05:26But no, we had to eat the last four digits
05:29There's gotta be 10,000 numbers this could be
05:32It could take days
05:35Hey, Marv?
05:37I've got a little job for you
05:39I don't get it, Murphy
05:41I thought this was just a stupid rat
05:43What about the traps?
05:44And the peanut butter?
05:45And the thwack?
05:47That works for an ordinary rat
05:49But this is no ordinary rat
05:51No, sir
05:52He is a crafty rat
05:54Yes, he is
05:55Button's about to go from being crafty to being dead
05:58I called building maintenance
05:59And they're sending their best man up to take care of him
06:02A man who will ensure that that rat will-
06:04We're just talking about the rat!
06:07Forget about the rat!
06:09We've gotta come up with a backup story for you
06:10And I mean now!
06:12Everybody sit!
06:14Think!
06:19Is that thinking?
06:22I see sitting, but I don't see thinking
06:27Summer, Bobo, is that funny?
06:34Ah, that would be me
06:36I, um, I tried catching him myself
06:38But he ate all of the peanut butter off the traps without springing on him
06:41Pretty sneaky, huh?
06:42Oh, you tried catching him yourself, did you?
06:44Yeah, I thought-
06:45That's asking for disaster, lady
06:47Well, Mr. Dan Rather
06:49Tried to catch a mouse by himself, too
06:52Yeah, six weeks of painful rabies injections in the belly
06:55Convinced him otherwise
06:57That is really very interesting, but we have a lot of work to do here
07:00Oh, yeah, you go right ahead
07:02I'll take care of your rat
07:04Poor ratis novedicus, as we maintenance engineers like to call him
07:08Okay, what stories haven't we done recently?
07:15Um, maybe there's something in the area of military cutbacks
07:19Oh, I'll be glued to my set for that one
07:24Or, what about religion?
07:26Um, maybe something around school prayer
07:29And now I want to lay me down to snooze
07:32Listen, do you think maybe you could-
07:34Holy moly!
07:35I think I found them all alone
07:38Look at this bag, Mark
07:39Murphy Brown's emergency supplies
07:42Look, what you got?
07:43Husky boys, ring-dongs, ding-wings
07:46This is your problem, it's a regular rat 7-Eleven in here
07:51Hey, I can stop anytime I want to
07:54As I was saying, something in the area of religion might be a good place to start
08:01There's the Pop's World tour, what about something with that?
08:03Good, good, but those interviews are always hard to set up at the last moment
08:07Is there anything we could find-
08:08Hello!
08:10Better take a look at this, my friends
08:11Let me guess, you found Murphy's secret stash of cheese doodles
08:15No, no, no, you can go ahead and have a look
08:18Where? I don't see anything
08:20Right down there, look closer
08:23I still don't see anything, what am I looking at?
08:25Rat turns
08:26Oh!
08:33I want something too
08:35Oh, you guys got yourself one healthy rat here
08:36I'll tell you, if I had this rat's regularity, I'd be a happy man, yes
08:46Uh-oh
08:48You're going to want to take a look at this
08:49I doubt it
08:51No, I'm not talking rat turns, sir
08:55Those tiny little footprints in the sweet and low
09:00This rat has got six toes
09:03See, that's why I use the blue stuff
09:06Yeah, that's Bob, all right
09:09I beg your pardon?
09:11Bob
09:13Well, you see, a long time ago, uh, must be 30 years by now
09:18I was looking for another rat in this very building
09:20A rat that we called Bob on account of...
09:23Well, who the hell remembers?
09:25Anyway, Bob was a shrewd one
09:28We threw everything at him
09:30Gas, traps, sticky paper
09:31How about a little stick of dynamite dressed up as a female rat
09:35I told you, we tried everything
09:41One day I was eating my lunch
09:46Looked up and...
09:48There was Bob doing his business right in the middle of my supervisor's desk
09:51What did you do?
09:52Oh, I let him finish
09:54I hate my supervisor
09:56But then I picked up my thermos, took careful aim and chucked it right at him
10:04But unfortunately, due to a bum shoulder I received, courtesy of Mr. Ho Chi Minh and his gun-toting cronies
10:13I missed
10:15Missed by a mile
10:17It's the last shot I ever had at old Bob
10:21You know the weird thing about him?
10:24He had six toes
10:27Whoa
10:29Are you saying that this is the same rat?
10:32This rat is Bob?
10:35You know your rat's from your hiney, do you, city boy?
10:38Oh, you see, your average domestic brown rodent only lives about a year
10:46What you have here is probably one of Bob's great-great-grandkids
10:54If that's the case
10:56Voy a condos, my friends
10:59You're not even gonna try to catch him? I don't believe this
11:02Well, I'm not giving up, there's gotta be something I can do
11:07Well, why not?
11:09During my lifetime, I've seen men tap-dancing on the moon
11:12I've seen the New York Mets win the World Series
11:15Maybe you will catch old Bob
11:18And maybe I'll get a hot-oil rub-down from supermodel Christy Brinkley
11:23Well, what do you think?
11:34Pretty great, huh?
11:36Oh, yeah, this is, uh, really, uh...
11:40You spent how much on this?
11:44That's just like the old set, but with a big old stupid window
11:47You think I don't know that?
11:50The worst part about looking out on our window on America
11:54America is out there looking back
11:56Have you seen those people behind me?
11:58They've been staring at me like that for the last half hour
12:01Oh, come on, Mike
12:02I don't think you're just being a little paranoid here
12:04No, really, watch this
12:08Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
12:13Stop it! Stop it!
12:15I can't hear you, Miles. The glass is soundproof, remember?
12:22By this old set brings back memories
12:25Why, it was right here, three decades ago
12:28that I was scheduled to interview a young man with a guitar
12:31who had an undeniable singing ability
12:34A young man whose talent was destined to change the course of American music
12:39How did that classic of his go again?
12:41Hello, Mother
12:44Hello, Father
12:46I am at Camp Granada
12:48I'll never get that song out of my head
12:50That rat is driving me nuts
12:53I got to work this morning and found he'd eaten through half my Rolodex
12:56I don't know what to do
12:57I tried setting bigger traps
12:59I tried spraying the doughnuts
13:01You sprayed the doughnuts?
13:03You know, I thought they tasted a little French
13:06Geez, Murph, what did you tell anybody?
13:08Oh, sorry
13:09Hey everybody, I sprayed poison on the doughnuts
13:12Okay, Murphy, Father Kiley's here
13:15Are you ready to do your interview?
13:16Yes, Miles, I even had research prepare some notes for me
13:19They're right here
13:21Oh, God
13:23I really hate that, Bob
13:26I didn't have time to read the book
13:27What am I going to do now?
13:28Fifteen seconds to air, people
13:29You're just going to have to wing it
13:30Go
13:32Okay, people
13:33Our window is open for business
13:36So put on some smiles and check your flies
13:39Sorry, Padre
13:40Five, four, three, two
13:46Good evening and welcome to FYI
13:50For your information, we come to you tonight from FYI's new home
13:55Historic Studio 6A
13:56Many of this network's broadcasting giants have reported to you from this very location
14:02But what makes this studio really unique is its window
14:06A window we hope will allow us to listen more closely to the heartbeat of the nation
14:12A window we call the window on America
14:15Let's take a look, shall we?
14:23I believe what the nation is saying at this moment is
14:26Hi, Mom
14:28To kick off this historic show
14:32Frank Fontana visits a high-tech prison
14:35Corky Sherwood uncovers mixed feelings towards John Prevolta from his fellow Sweathol
14:40Murphy Brown interviews best-selling author and theologian, Father Elwood Kiley
14:46Murphy?
14:47Thank you, Jim
14:49Father Kiley, welcome
14:51Obviously, I've read your book, but for those who haven't had the pleasure
14:55Could you tell us how you happen to write a book of moral tales called The Book of Moral Tales?
15:01Well, Murphy, these are difficult times we're living in
15:06And, frankly, I think people are lost
15:10And they're looking for answers
15:12And that's why I put together this book
15:15You see, I wanted people to link to the ethical world
15:20To have moral truths like honesty and compassion
15:26That are right there in front of them
15:29And, you see, I, um, I
15:31Uh-huh, honest, compassionate
15:34Please continue, Father
15:36Yes, well, anyway, um, I, uh, realized that people needed to communicate those virtues to their children
15:44And so I put together the book
15:48Murphy, not
15:50Well, yes, and, uh, a big book it is, too, and, and heavy
15:55Father, you know what? I bet our viewers would love it if you would read one of those tales for them, would you do that?
16:06I'd be delighted
16:08Now, let me see
16:10Well, ah, this is one of my favorites
16:13It's called
16:14Androcles and the Lion
16:16Once upon a time
16:18Damn!
16:22Damn, that's wonderful stuff
16:27Thank you
16:29Once upon a time, there was a poor slave named Androcles
16:33And on his way through the forest, Androcles met up with a lion
16:38The lion had a thorn in his palm
16:40What the hell is she doing?
16:43The two became great friends
16:45And later, when the slave again found himself opposite the lion
16:49The animal spared his life
16:52And the moral of the story is
16:55Kindness and compassion do not go unrewarded
16:58How about another story, Father?
17:19Did you see that?
17:20Did you see that?
17:21I caught him, I really caught him
17:23Did you see that?
17:24We saw it, and so did all of America
17:25What'd you do with him, Murph?
17:29Do nothing yet
17:30I thought you guys might want to see him first
17:32Oh, gee!
17:36Well, I thought of the old tried-and-true method
17:38A sock, a brick, and then a quick drive out to the Potomac
17:41But I figured, old Bob here deserves better
17:44Anybody know of a hungry boa constrictor?
17:46Well, well, that was quite a performance by our little huntress
17:52Thank you, Miles, wanna see?
17:53I already saw!
17:55The old America saw!
17:56The phones are ringing off the hook
17:58Our viewers are very concerned about what's gonna happen to Bob
18:01Well, it's easy, I'm gonna whack him
18:02Oh, oh, no you're not
18:04This is turning into a public relations nightmare
18:06Which is why the network is insisting we be able to show that we've treated Bob ethically and humanely
18:11Oh, alright, then can I whack him?
18:14No!
18:16I have arranged for you to show a happy, healthy Bob on next week's show
18:19At which time you will thoughtfully turn him over to the leader of an animal rights group
18:23Is that clear?
18:25Except for one thing, when do I get to whack him?
18:27No! No whacking!
18:30In fact, until next week, we've gotta treat Bob here like a king
18:34Come on, Bob
18:35I don't believe this
18:39I mean, I'm all for animal rights, but this is a rat we're talking about
18:44I mean, you guys want him whacked as much as I do, right?
18:47I guess, yeah
18:49What?
18:50What happened to disease and long-haired Mexican dogs and Ernest Morgan's face?
18:56Well, that was before we, uh, you know, before we knew the little guy's name
19:02Am I the only sane person here?
19:07This isn't a cute little baby seal, this isn't a fuzzy little panda bear
19:13It's a rat, it's a vile, disgusting rat, and let's face it
19:16There's a reason that World Wildlife Federation doesn't use this as its symbol
19:19Phil, you know what I'm talking about, right? You hate rats as much as I do
19:27Rats? Are you kidding? I can't stand them
19:32Let me tell you, running this restaurant, I've had to kill hundreds
19:36Maybe...
19:39Sorry kid, I don't know what you're talking about
19:46It's a pretty ugly crowd out there, Miles, and it's getting bigger, I think the big rat guy started bleeding
19:59Not to worry, John, I think they'll change their tune when they see how fat and happy Bob is
20:04I've had him with me all week, keeping his cage clean, feeding him the finest cheeses
20:09Brie, Gorgonzola, Camembert
20:12He really likes the Camembert
20:15Isn't that right, Bob? Come and get it
20:19Bob
20:21Bob
20:23Bob isn't moving, John
20:25Why, why isn't Bob moving?
20:27Maybe he's sleeping, I read somewhere that rats spend a lot of time sleeping
20:31But not usually with their feet up in the air
20:36Bob's dead, I should've gone with the no fat Jarlsberg, what do I do?
20:41Start the show, places people
20:44Oh God
20:46Say, we are alive, most of us
20:48Malsillus
20:49Malsillus
20:504
20:513
20:522
20:54Good evening and welcome to FYI
20:57For your information tonight, we begin with a follow-up to last week's show
21:02Many of you have expressed concern for the well-being of Bob, the rodent who was humanely captured during that telecast
21:10Here to follow-up is our own Murphy Brown, Murphy
21:12Thank you, Jim
21:14And thank you for all your many calls and letters
21:17I just want to give you my personal guarantee that no harm has come to Bob whatsoever
21:22In fact, we at FYI have managed to provide Bob with a happy new home by handing him over to the Animal Rights Federation
21:29Here representing the Federation is Dr. Richard Weiler
21:32But apparently we don't have a lot of time, so let's just get right to it, shall we?
21:41Thank you, Murphy
21:43And on behalf of animal lovers everywhere, I want to thank you and FYI for this fine, humane gesture
21:51I can assure you that, uh, I'll see to it that Bob gets the kind of care and nurturing he deserves
21:58You know, Doctor, rats are such fascinating creatures
22:02Why don't you tell our viewers a little something more about them first?
22:06Like, um, what do they eat? How long do they live? I hear they can die just like that
22:10Well, it depends, of course, on a number of factors, uh, the species of rat, uh, the environment, the rat's diet
22:18Why? Why? Why? Why?
22:21There are so many possibilities
22:23I'd be happy to answer a question in greater detail, but, uh, it might be easier if I had a visual aid
22:29You know, I have a pretty additive imagination, and there's that guy there, the big rat, so can we get a close-up on him, please?
22:35Actually, I'd prefer to see the real rat
22:38Now
22:40Is that really necessary, Doctor?
22:42Yes, it is
22:47Oh, my God
22:49This rat is dead
22:51Well, I'm not surprised by the way you were grabbing me
22:55And you called yourself an animal lover
22:58This is outrageous
23:00It's murder is what it is, it's murder pure and simple
23:02You people should be ashamed of yourselves harming an animal like this
23:06A poor, defenseless
23:09Ow! He bit me!
23:13Go to the car shop
23:15Go to the car shop
23:17We'll be right back
23:21Close the curtain!
23:23Close the curtain!
23:24What curtain?
23:2520 million dollars and we don't have a curtain!
23:27Look out!
23:28Look out!
23:29Look out!
23:35Actually, in spite of everything that happened, the window on America set didn't work out too badly
23:41Turns out most of our viewers were so busy watching the idiots on the outside of the glass, they hardly even notice the ones on the inside
23:46Well, you'll all be glad to know I finally cornered Bob down in the editing bay and, well, I took care of him
23:58Oh, Murphy, you left him, didn't you?
24:01Relax, I did the right thing, I released him back into his natural habitat
24:05The house will be in order
24:11The chair in the terminal of the last day is proceeding
24:15And an analysis to the house is approval there
24:17The seat belt
24:19It's approval there
24:21Oh, I saw you
24:23I saw you
24:25I said no
24:27I knew that
24:28I said no
24:30I was not a pilot
24:32I didn't play a pilot
24:34The chair in the terminal
24:36The chair in the terminal
24:40I said no
24:42There is no
24:43You are not a pilot