Frasier Season 3 Episode 20 Police Story
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00:00Faster! Frasier! Faster! You can make that light!
00:06It is killed!
00:08You can't be labored this day! Right! Take a ride here!
00:13This is ridiculous! First the dry cleaner and then the ATM.
00:17Now you make me cart you off to some restaurant.
00:20I'm sorry. I didn't plan for my car to be in the shop.
00:23I really, really appreciate it, Frasier.
00:26Oh, a basket of fruit would suffice!
00:31I am chanting for my day!
00:34Don't look at me! Turn around! Turn all the way around!
00:37I'm driving!
00:42Hand me my jeans, will ya?
00:47Oh, oh great! This is just what I need!
00:51There's a police car behind us all.
00:53Please, don't turn on the red light! Don't turn on the red light!
00:56Don't turn on the red light!
00:57Woo! Damn it, Frasier!
01:03Don't worry, Frasier, you're not gonna get a ticket!
01:06You're a celebrity! Use a little juice!
01:08Oh, I refuse to do anything of the sort!
01:10Well, enjoy traffic school.
01:14Good evening, officer. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
01:23There's a problem, I'm listening.
01:26You're going 62 in a 40-mile zone.
01:29Well, this is interesting.
01:33Usually, both people are in the back seat.
01:36It's not what you think.
01:38You know, we were just coming back from KACL, where I do my radio show.
01:45Uh-huh.
01:46You see, we ran a little late because I was on with a very troubled caller with a very complex psychological problem on my radio show.
02:00Hey, wait a minute. You're Dr. Frasier Crane.
02:06Drat! My cover is blown.
02:10I love your show. I listen to it all the time.
02:13Oh, well, thank you. Thank you very much. It's always a pleasure.
02:16License and registration, please.
02:21Be arrested by a fan.
02:23Boss, if you could delay ablutions, I'm in custody here.
02:33Hey.
02:35It's your birthday today.
02:37Is this a little celebration?
02:40You know what?
02:43Taking my producer to meet her date.
02:46Frasier, why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?
02:49I'd have thrown you a birthday party at the station.
02:51Question asked, question answered.
02:56I'm just going to be dropping Roz off.
02:59Have a cold plated deli.
03:02Get to bed early.
03:05Almost makes you feel sorry for me, doesn't it?
03:09I spent my last birthday subduing a drunken disorderly at a sleazy bar.
03:15Did you hate to work on your birthday?
03:17He was my date.
03:21I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
03:22I'm going to let you off.
03:24Just think of this as a little birthday gift for me.
03:28But slow down.
03:31I'd hate to see you get hurt.
03:34I'm listening.
03:35Hey.
03:36Let's go.
03:37Wow.
03:38Did you sense a little moment there?
03:39What are you talking about?
03:41Between me and that very attractive officer.
03:42It just felt like there was something there.
03:44Yeah.
03:45Major sparks.
03:46Now, it's the right pedal.
03:47The big pedal.
03:48Just a minute.
03:49Just a minute.
03:50I'm going to see if she's watching me.
03:51If she's watching me.
03:52I mean, she's interested.
03:53Oh, yes.
03:54Oh, she's turning around.
03:55She's looking up.
03:56Move your vehicle.
03:57Oh, yes.
03:58I've cast my spell.
04:02It's the right pedal.
04:03I'm going to see if she's watching me.
04:06I mean, she's interested.
04:07Oh, yes.
04:08Oh.
04:09Oh, she's turning around.
04:10She's looking up.
04:11Move your vehicle.
04:13Move your vehicle.
04:20Oh, yes.
04:22I've cast my spell.
04:29Go ahead. Make a wish.
04:32Why bother?
04:34Make the same wish last year didn't come true.
04:43Come on, son.
04:44Blow out the candles.
04:54Oh, what a surprise.
04:56Look, they're lighting again.
04:59What sorcerer's magic is this?
05:04You know, Dad, I had a nice little birthday bonus today.
05:08On my way home, I was pulled over for speeding by a very pretty policewoman who let me off.
05:16I got the distinct impression that she found me attractive.
05:19Now, that sort of thing happens, doesn't it?
05:21Oh, sure.
05:22I was always leaning against somebody's window thinking,
05:25that bloody chainsaw in the back seat looks kind of iffy, but she's got a huge smile.
05:35I'm telling you, there was something there, though.
05:37Well, of course, the whole conversation's academic.
05:40Don't even know her name.
05:43I suppose I could go down to the police station and try to find out who was on traffic duty.
05:49But, uh, I don't suppose they'd give that sort of information to a civilian.
05:54They'd have to have some conduit into the police department.
05:59An insider who could break that damnable code of silence.
06:03All right, I'll make the damn call.
06:10You, Dad?
06:11Why, I didn't even think.
06:12Oh, you know, I felt such an instant attraction to a woman in quite some time.
06:21I'm just, well, considering the difference in our backgrounds, it's really rather puzzling.
06:26Oh, pish, tosh.
06:31Patently obvious what's attracting you.
06:34The gleam of her jackboots.
06:36Her dangling nightstick.
06:39The glint of her handcuffs hanging on her leather belt.
06:42You're off on some lurid little disciplinary fantasy.
06:51Oh, Dr. Crane, shame on you.
06:54You've got assing all up and down your sleeve.
06:57Oh, I am a naughty boy.
06:59Well, certainly a messy one.
07:05But mainly, a naughty one.
07:08Hey, Charlie, Marty Crane, how you doing?
07:13Hey, listen, Charlie, I'm trying to track down a woman officer who was on traffic tonight.
07:19Uh, near...
07:21Blanchard and Forth.
07:22Blanchard and Forth.
07:24Great.
07:25Okay, thanks.
07:26Her name's Maureen Cutler, and she usually goes to McGinney's after work.
07:32Charlie said she's probably there now.
07:33Oh, thanks, Dad.
07:36Are you gonna go?
07:37Well, I don't know what police bar.
07:39If I go in there alone, I'll stand out like a sore thumb.
07:43All right, I'll go.
07:47Sit down in the aisles.
07:48I'll go with it.
07:49You know, after all these hoity-toity caviar-sucking-egghead types you've been dating,
07:57I think a lady cop would be a nice breath of fresh air.
08:01Oh, all right, I'll go.
08:03Just give me a second.
08:05I'll put some fresh college days in it.
08:07Oh, oh, I've got a fabulous brand-new cashmere jacket I've been dying to premiere.
08:12Oh, yeah, this is going to work.
08:29You see her yet?
08:30I don't know.
08:33What about her?
08:34No, that's not Maureen.
08:37No, I mean, what about her?
08:43Oh, there she is.
08:46Wow, she is a lucky girl.
08:49Come on, let's go sail along.
08:53Oh, wow.
08:55Oh, my God.
08:57Fancy seeing you here.
09:00Hey, raise your crane.
09:01Oh, you remember me.
09:02Come on, 62 in a 40-mile zone with a half-naked girl in your back seat?
09:11Ross, off.
09:14So, off, this is mine, my father.
09:17How do you do?
09:18I'm Maureen Cutler.
09:19Marty Crane, nice to meet you.
09:21Nice to meet you.
09:22Sweet.
09:23Say, Maureen, how about a drink?
09:25No, why not?
09:26Let me get them.
09:27A beer drinker myself.
09:29What about you?
09:30That's fine by me.
09:31Beer, huh?
09:32Oh, what the hell.
09:33I'll try one.
09:38So, what brings you guys here?
09:41This is mostly a cop hangout.
09:43Well, I used to be on the force.
09:44Really?
09:46Wait a minute.
09:48Marty Crane?
09:50You're Martin Crane.
09:51You're wasting your time in traffic.
09:54You're quite a detective.
09:56No, I mean, I remember you when I was in training.
10:00You gave this great lecture at the Academy on how to deal with an armed suspect.
10:04Well, thanks.
10:05How come you left the force?
10:07Well, I, uh, got shot by an armed suspect.
10:13Oh, I'm sorry.
10:16No, it's all right.
10:16So, do you miss it?
10:21Nah.
10:21How attached can you get to a hip?
10:23Oh, I'm sorry.
10:32I, uh, I have to get over to the hospital.
10:35I told him to beat me if there was any news about my sergeant.
10:38What happened to her?
10:40She's having a baby.
10:41Oh, well.
10:43Well, miss the girl.
10:45I'll tell Fresher you had to run.
10:47Thanks.
10:49Listen, um, I never do this, but I would love to have a beer or go to dinner sometime.
10:59With me?
11:01I don't want to put you on the spot.
11:02If you, uh, if you want to go out, just give me a call.
11:07With me?
11:14You're the only one here.
11:16Here we are.
11:17Three beers.
11:18Good news, there was a fly in one glass, so they're free.
11:23Sorry, I got beeped.
11:25Oh, that's too bad.
11:27Yeah, but it was nice to see you.
11:30Maybe I'll bump into you again here sometime.
11:32Oh, that'd be great.
11:33Okay.
11:34Bye.
11:35Bye.
11:37Well, I think that went very well, don't you?
11:40I'll have a grande half-calf latte with a whisper of cinnamon, and for my father, plain coffee.
11:57I cannot emphasize the word plain enough.
12:03No foam, no cinnamon, no exotic flavors.
12:06If it is not plain, I take no responsibility for the consequences.
12:11How about a biscotti?
12:13All right, but when you bring it, call it a cookie.
12:23Hi, son.
12:24Hello, Dad.
12:25Uh, I want to thank you for meeting me like this.
12:28Well, uh, my pleasure.
12:29So, what can I do you for?
12:38Well, I need some advice.
12:43Advice?
12:45That's why you asked me here?
12:46Yeah.
12:48You've never done this before.
12:50Yeah, well, I'm sorry.
12:51But anyway, do you remember me?
12:52I want you to know I'm not only deeply touched, but I consider this a watershed moment in our relationship.
12:58Great.
12:59All my life, it seems like you've always turned to Frasier.
13:02Frasier, Frasier, Frasier.
13:03Niles, can I talk?
13:06I'm listening.
13:10Here we are.
13:11There are one latte, one coffee, and one cookie.
13:20I think they call this thing a biscotti.
13:25No need to talk down to the men.
13:27Off you go.
13:28Well, anyway, uh, remember the other night, Frasier's policewoman?
13:39Mm-hmm.
13:40Well, we found her at the bar, and, uh, well, she came on to me.
13:49No.
13:50Yeah.
13:51You?
13:52Yeah.
13:54Was she drunk?
13:58Oh, I'm sorry, you're, of course, Dad, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, uh, what was Frasier's reaction?
14:05I haven't told him yet.
14:07Why not?
14:08I just can't.
14:10Can I?
14:14You know, I know he's gonna feel lousy.
14:17He finally meets a girl he likes, and she's attracted to his old man.
14:22Hmm.
14:23That is quite a conundrum.
14:24I wonder if that's what's really bothering you.
14:29What do you mean?
14:32Maybe underneath it all, you're attracted to this woman.
14:35Oh.
14:35You want to go out with her.
14:36Oh, are you nuts?
14:37That's sick.
14:38That's disgusting.
14:42But for the sake of argument, let's say you're right.
14:47Dad, you're allowed to be attracted to a woman.
14:50And what kind of a father does a thing like that?
14:54Did you encourage her in any way?
14:58Well, I guess it was kind of charming.
15:00I mean, I didn't mean to be.
15:01It just sometimes leaks out.
15:06Well, what do you want to do?
15:10Well, most important, I don't want to hurt Frasier.
15:12Secondly, I want to go out with Maureen.
15:18The order of that change is depending on the time of day.
15:24One possibility is go on a date with her.
15:27If you feel there are sparks between you and this woman, then tell Frasier.
15:33I don't want to lie to my son.
15:34You're not lying to him.
15:36You're delaying the truth to spare his feelings.
15:38If nothing happens, he need never know.
15:40Well, I guess it's worth a try.
15:45If Maureen and I hit it off, then I'll tell him immediately.
15:50Or I can.
15:51Really, I don't mind.
16:08Hi, Dad.
16:10Oh, Frasier, you're still home.
16:13Yeah.
16:14Where are you going?
16:17Just out.
16:21What are you going to do?
16:24Nothing.
16:27When are you going to be home?
16:31Later.
16:31Well, you put a dent in the car, young man.
16:36It's coming out of your allowance.
16:37Anyway, I've got my pride, you know, so I said to her, I said, Mrs. Grayson, I'll do the cooking, I'll do the cleaning, but I draw the line at creaming your feet.
17:00Oh, yeah.
17:01Here, hurry up.
17:01The Mambo Kings is about to start.
17:04Oh, I wouldn't mind Mambo-ing with Antonio Banderas.
17:05Oh, me neither.
17:06Oh, me neither.
17:07Oh, all right.
17:08Set out the goodies and I'll go get the wine.
17:10Oh, and this time, Charlotte, be careful with that chocolate.
17:15Oh, and this time, Charlotte, be careful with that chocolate.
17:19I had a hell of a time hiding the stain from his nibs, oh.
17:25Hello, Dr. Crane.
17:26Daphne, Charlotte, Maggie.
17:29Dr. Crane.
17:30Please sit down.
17:31I thought you were filling in at the station tonight.
17:34Oh, I am, but not for a couple of hours here.
17:39Oh, well, it seems a shame to hang around here.
17:49I mean, I would have thought you'd have taken an opportunity like this to, oh, I don't know,
17:56go down to McGinty's, for example.
17:59Oh, to see his new lady friend, you mean.
18:01Woman.
18:02Ah.
18:03Well, I see I've been quite the hot topic over the teapot.
18:06Well, you know, I may have said a thing or two in passing, but...
18:12I'd go for it, Dr. Crane.
18:14Yes, well, if you must know, I was planning to go down there, but not for a couple of days yet.
18:20Oh, well, I wouldn't wait too long.
18:22I mean, strike while the iron's hot, that's what I always say.
18:26Oh, that's right.
18:26Well, women don't really like men that are too over-eager.
18:30Oh, nonsense.
18:31I mean, you know, it's one thing if the man's some barmy git from the docks, but it's different
18:38if the man's like you.
18:40Someone who's charming.
18:42And handsome.
18:43And knows lots and lots of words.
18:49She could be down there right now, nursing a gin and tonic, casting hopeful glances towards
18:55the door.
18:57Oh.
18:58Well, we can do this on my way to the station.
19:07Suppose I could just pop my head in.
19:12Thank you, ladies, for your support, even if it was nakedly self-serving and insincere.
19:18So, they finally put my transfer through, and I'm moving out of traffic and into narcotics.
19:30Yeah, I'm going to be working with Bill Henderson at the 31st.
19:34Good for you.
19:36I'm excited.
19:37Although I hear he can be pretty tough.
19:39I don't know.
19:40I mean, he might seem a little stiff and straight legs, but once you get to know him, he's the
19:46greatest guy in the world.
19:47Yeah.
19:47He is pretty impressive.
19:49Oh, yeah.
19:50Smart.
19:51Great sense of humor.
19:53No.
19:53You're going to have a great time with it.
19:56Dad, I can't believe you're doing this.
19:59Crazier.
20:00Look, I was going to tell you.
20:02Believe me, I did not put him up to this.
20:05Although I think he's overselling me a little.
20:07He's not the greatest guy in the world.
20:11Seattle, maybe.
20:14Is Martin missing something?
20:15Oh, I'm just joking.
20:17Okay, Dad, thanks for warming her up for me.
20:19I can take over here.
20:21Martin.
20:23Come on, Martin.
20:24You heard her.
20:25What does she have to do?
20:27Send up smoke signals?
20:31Crazier.
20:34Maureen and I are here on a date.
20:35You know, you might think this is one of those wildly embarrassing moments where I'm standing
21:02here with egg on my face.
21:05I assure you, I'm not as embarrassed as you might assume that I would be embarrassed.
21:11I'm not uncomfortable, so please, don't you be uncomfortable either.
21:21Why don't I give you two a moment, huh?
21:23Whatever.
21:23You asked her out?
21:29No, that's not the way it happened.
21:32There's no use lying to me.
21:33I am at the lowest point I could possibly be at, so please just tell me the truth.
21:38Maureen asked me out.
21:40Going down?
21:41It happened the other night when you went to the bar to get drinks.
21:50You know, it just caught me off guard.
21:53I didn't know how to handle it, so Niles told me that I should...
21:57Niles?
21:58Niles, no!
21:58Look, I'm sorry.
22:01It was supposed to be a one-time thing just to see if there was something there, and if there
22:06wasn't, then you didn't even need to know about it.
22:08Well, is there something there?
22:13Oh, yeah.
22:17Well, it felt as if we were standing side by side when she chose you.
22:22I was at the bar.
22:24If you'd gone to get the drinks, things would have been different.
22:28I don't think so.
22:30Dad, I'm drowning here.
22:32Please, throw me a line.
22:34Look, I'm going to go tell her this whole thing is mistaken.
22:37No, no, no, no, no, Dad.
22:38No, no, no.
22:41I'll be all right.
22:43Really.
22:46So, old dog still got it in him, huh?
22:51Yeah.
22:53Well, how long can it last?
22:55I mean, she's got to come to her senses eventually.
22:58Oh, no, Dad, Dad, don't sell yourself short.
23:02You've got a lot to offer.
23:05Well, I'm going to head off to work.
23:11Good night, Dad.
23:12Good night.
23:13Thanks.
23:13Uh-huh.
23:28Okay, thanks.
23:31Frazier just came in the building, so everybody hide and be quiet.
23:34Do you think you'd be surprised?
23:37Considering his birthday was yesterday, yeah, I do, Elizabeth.
23:42Should we yell surprise or happy birthday?
23:45We've done this like 500 times.
23:48And every time it's pretty much the same.
23:51We yell, the person pretends to be surprised, and we stuff ourselves with cake.
23:55I just wanted it to be perfect.
23:58And that is what makes you so special to us.
24:02Now, get under the console.
24:13Hi, Frazier.
24:15How you doing?
24:17Just wonderful.
24:1943 is off to a rousing start.
24:22Remember that policewoman I was interested in?
24:25Yeah.
24:26Well, she's dating my father.
24:30Your father?
24:32Yeah.
24:32Well, never mind that.
24:34I know just what will take your mind off of it.
24:36I've got something really funny in my booth.
24:38It's been the last hour of wandering the streets trying to take assessment of my life.
24:43Do you know how long it's been since I've slept with a woman?
24:46Seven months.
24:47Frazier?
24:48All right, nine months.
24:52I really don't think we should talk about that right now.
24:55Oh, sure.
24:56Fine.
24:57You can't spare me five minutes to talk about my problems,
25:00but every day I drop what I'm doing to be your personal wailing wall.
25:04Frazier, he stopped calling me.
25:06Frazier, he wants his key back.
25:07Frazier, his girlfriend is having me followed.
25:12I'm sorry.
25:13So, nine months, huh?
25:21Nine long, long months.
25:25You know who that woman was?
25:26Who?
25:27Edna from accounting.
25:28No.
25:29The next day, she dumped me.
25:34I'll tell you, Ralph, I'm starting to feel nostalgic for that summer in my 20s when I was impotent.
25:42The only comfort I have now is knowing that my humiliation can't possibly get any worse.
25:47Surprise!
25:48Hi, Edna.
25:59Hi, Edna.
26:08Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling.
26:11Tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:15Oh, my.
26:16And maybe I seem a bit confused.
26:20Well, maybe.
26:21But I got you pegged.
26:23Ha, ha, ha, ha.
26:26But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs.
26:33They're calling again.
26:36Good night, everybody.
26:37Good night, everybody.