Taskmaster.S19E02
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:34Hello and welcome to Taskmaster.
00:37I'm Greg Davison.
00:38I suit things.
00:39I suit this throne.
00:40I suit this suit.
00:42I suit the title of Taskmaster
00:44and I suit the power it affords me.
00:47What can I say?
00:48I suit things.
00:49I suit boots.
00:50I suit fruits.
00:51I suit flutes.
00:52And once I was in cahoots with some mute-newts
00:54about a car boot in beaut.
00:57Proof, if it was needed,
00:59the writing of these introductions
01:00is becoming increasingly challenging.
01:02LAUGHTER
01:03No matter.
01:04Let's take the focus off me
01:05and train the glaring, judgmental super trooper
01:08into the frightened eyes of some human bunnies.
01:11Please welcome...
01:13Fatia El Ghori!
01:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:16Jason Mandzukas!
01:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:19Mattie Baker!
01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:22Rosie Ramsey!
01:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:24And Stevie Martin!
01:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:28And next to me,
01:30a man whose hobbies include bird spotting,
01:33writing songs
01:34and his absolute favourite,
01:36having extra-marital affairs.
01:38LAUGHTER
01:39And Little Elector!
01:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:45Hey, everyone.
01:47Let's get on with the prize task.
01:49And the category this week is...
01:52The snootiest thing.
01:54Ooh!
01:55Ooh!
01:56There will be five points for the snootiest,
01:57one point for the least snooty,
01:59and the episode winner will go home with some really juicy snooty booty.
02:02Greg, honey, take it away!
02:04LAUGHTER
02:05Stevie, have you got some snooty booty?
02:07Yes.
02:08There are, like, canvases you can get made of your pet.
02:11Erm...
02:12And, er...
02:13I got one made of my pet.
02:15Here is a picture of Stevie's pet.
02:17It's on my wall in my kitchen.
02:19LAUGHTER
02:20There she is!
02:26I don't think they've done a tortoise before,
02:28so, like, the neck is very bent at a weird angle.
02:31Where is it there?
02:32And where's the shell?
02:33How did they get her in the uniform?
02:34LAUGHTER
02:37They're so...
02:38Americans are so naive, aren't they?
02:40LAUGHTER
02:41And is that her actual rank?
02:47OK, cool!
02:49OK.
02:50Fatty, you all right?
02:51Yeah, I'm all right. How are you?
02:52Pretty good.
02:53What have you brought in?
02:54My snooty prize is...
02:55Yeah.
02:56..Swiss chocolate.
02:57Here is the bar of Swiss chocolate she's put up.
02:59This is the snootiest of all the chocolates.
03:01Yeah.
03:02Ooh!
03:03Yeah, exactly.
03:04See how snooty...
03:05Look at that.
03:06Yeah.
03:07If you look at the chocolate adverts,
03:08the Swiss ones are so extra,
03:10they've got a little chef and a little hat,
03:12and he's like,
03:13ha, ha, ha, ha.
03:14LAUGHTER
03:15Oh, the old French Swiss chef.
03:19And he's all doing that,
03:20and they're like,
03:21and there's all this music,
03:23and they live in a...
03:24They've got a nice kitchen.
03:26LAUGHTER
03:27They do.
03:28They do.
03:29It's ridiculous.
03:30There's a quarter bar of chocolate in, yep.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:32Jason, what's snooty in America?
03:34Here's the thing,
03:35this was actually very hard for me,
03:37because in America,
03:38snootiness is not a really thing,
03:40so I kind of was at a bit of a loss
03:43to come up with a snooty thing,
03:44but I had a good idea,
03:46I asked my butler what he thought.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49Geoffreys, get out here.
03:51Oh, nice.
03:52APPLAUSE
03:53Let's go, let's go!
03:54APPLAUSE
03:57As my butler, Mr. Geoffreys,
03:59asked him what was snooty,
04:00because he's British,
04:01and he had a great idea,
04:02show him what you've got under there.
04:03Open it up, come on!
04:04Yes!
04:05Butler for a day.
04:06So, if you win this prize,
04:08he'll come and he'll buttle for you
04:10for the whole day.
04:11Wow!
04:12That is one snooty prize.
04:14Right?
04:15Want a round of applause for Mr Geoffrey?
04:16Yeah.
04:17APPLAUSE
04:21I have brought in
04:23the Oppidun's cap
04:25from The Wall Game
04:26at Eton College!
04:28Here it is.
04:29Oh, my God, that's so snooty,
04:31I don't even understand it.
04:33The Wall Game is only played
04:35one day of the year,
04:37St Andrew's Day,
04:38and it's only played at Eton College,
04:41the snootiest of all the schools.
04:43Did you go there?
04:44No.
04:45How did you get a cap?
04:46It...
04:47I acquired it from a friend.
04:49Is your friend Tom Hiddleston,
04:51Hugh Fernley Whittingstall,
04:53Bear Grylls,
04:54or Alan Shearer?
04:55All alumni.
04:56And it must be one of those.
04:57Hang on, Alan Shearer?
04:58Alan Shearer?
04:59I didn't believe in either
05:00when I wrote it.
05:01Wow!
05:02LAUGHTER
05:03APPLAUSE
05:08Can you give us a vague idea of the rules?
05:12As far as I can tell,
05:13it's a rugby scrum up against the wall.
05:15And where does the snooty hat come in?
05:17That's the hat that the Oppidun's team wear.
05:20The Oppidun's?
05:21Yes.
05:22It's so snooty.
05:24So snooty.
05:25It's beyond language, isn't it?
05:26Yes.
05:27Very posh.
05:28My snootiest thing is a red wine decanter.
05:31I believe that you've started to drop your North East accent
05:34to introduce this.
05:35Sorry, what?
05:36LAUGHTER
05:37I don't know what you're talking about.
05:38If Alan Shearer went to Ethan then, so did I.
05:41No, I brought a red wine decanter.
05:43OK, here it is.
05:44Because not many people have these.
05:46I go to friends' houses and they just pour me red wine out of a bottle.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:50And I think, you haven't got a decanter.
05:53Have you got a decanter?
05:56We've got three.
05:58LAUGHTER
05:59Wow.
06:00OK, well, that is everyone great.
06:01It's really tricky, actually, because one of them I don't understand.
06:04Still.
06:05I remember the Swiss chefs are making their chocolates in kitchens.
06:09LAUGHTER
06:11LAUGHTER
06:13I'm trying to work out who I'm going to give one point to.
06:16Not me!
06:17It's going to be the chocolate or the decanter,
06:19but I just can't work out which is the least snooty.
06:21You can buy Swiss chocolate in any shop.
06:23You can, like in a supermarket.
06:25Yeah, no, but you can make a decanter.
06:26All I have to do is get a plastic bottle and chop the top.
06:29That's a decanter.
06:30LAUGHTER
06:31No!
06:32I won't have it!
06:33I won't have it!
06:34I won't have it!
06:35Swiss chocolate is made in Switzerland.
06:38Switzerland!
06:39LAUGHTER
06:40And that, my friend, is the final nail in the conference.
06:43LAUGHTER
06:44One point to the chocolate.
06:46One point to the chocolate?
06:47Yeah.
06:48Rosie's decanter, two points.
06:51OK.
06:52We'll have the hired butler with three points.
06:54OK.
06:55I love the snooty tortoise.
06:57Right.
06:58And Matthew's thing is so snooty I still don't know what it is.
07:01It's got to be the snootiest thing, so five points to Matthew.
07:03There you go.
07:04Well done.
07:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:08Very good.
07:09Touch time!
07:10Oh, yes, it is.
07:11And just like Dr Dre, we're going down to the lab
07:14to lay down some cool tracks and generally have a really nice time
07:17while we're there.
07:18LAUGHTER
07:29Hi.
07:30Hi.
07:31Hello.
07:32Hi, Jason.
07:34What's up?
07:35Welcome to the booth.
07:37This is good.
07:38This makes me feel a bit at home.
07:40Commentate on yourself achieving something really tricky.
07:44Then achieve that really tricky thing.
07:47Most iconic really tricky thing achieved wins.
07:51You have five minutes to record your commentary.
07:54Then 15 minutes to achieve that really tricky thing.
07:59RTT is what I'm going to abbreviate it for from now on.
08:02Your time starts now.
08:04You're going to commentate on yourself as if you're watching yourself
08:07on that telly.
08:08Right.
08:09But you're commentating on your future self.
08:10Oh.
08:11So whatever you describe, you've then got to do.
08:13I've got to do.
08:14But it's got to be really tricky and iconic.
08:16What tricky things can you do?
08:17I was thinking about escapology, but I mean...
08:20I can't actually do that.
08:24Can you do anything tricky?
08:29I was going to just lie down.
08:31LAUGHTER
08:32APPLAUSE
08:34So, RTT.
08:37I enjoyed that abbreviation.
08:38I like an abbreviation, do you?
08:39You do.
08:40You do.
08:41You do.
08:42He does.
08:43Let's see some tricky stuff.
08:44So, they had to commentate on themselves doing a really tricky thing
08:47before they did the really tricky thing.
08:49Stevie and Rosie are up first, i.e.
08:52are the last two letters of their names.
08:54And remember, they chose to do these things.
08:57OK, the moment we've all been waiting for.
09:00Here she is, Mrs Rosemary Ramsey.
09:03We've been waiting for this all year.
09:05She's making her way into the dome.
09:07Now, you may not know this at home, but Rosie has a very, very special way
09:10of getting ready for the competition.
09:13If you've seen her before, you'll know.
09:14There she is.
09:15What she likes to do, well, you're going to see it in a minute.
09:17She likes to have a little sniff of the air.
09:19Yeah.
09:20Good old scratch of the genitals.
09:21Yeah.
09:22From and back.
09:23Oh, that's a new one.
09:24That's a new one.
09:25She's never done the back before.
09:26All right.
09:27She is ready for this competition.
09:28OK.
09:29OK.
09:30And it's coming.
09:31Yes.
09:32There it is.
09:33Every time.
09:34This is what she does.
09:35Projectile vomiting.
09:36Here she is.
09:37Martin.
09:38Stepping up to the plate.
09:39Is she behind the line?
09:40Yes.
09:41Quick check.
09:42She's behind the line.
09:43She bends.
09:44She has a few bends.
09:46I think that's too many bends.
09:49Ah, sick from Martin there.
09:51Alex looking pretty frightened.
09:53Here we go.
09:54She's ready for the question.
09:57The adjudicator is ready.
09:59All right.
10:00There we go.
10:01Nine times nine.
10:02Come on, Rosie.
10:03You can do this.
10:04She's getting her fingers out.
10:05Sadly, Rosie didn't do very well at school.
10:07So she's going to use the tactic that she was taught in year five months.
10:10This is it.
10:11This is it.
10:12Come on.
10:13Come on.
10:14Come on.
10:15We're ready.
10:16Come on.
10:17What is it?
10:18What is it?
10:19You know this.
10:2081.
10:2181.
10:22She's done it.
10:23She's done it.
10:24She's done it.
10:2581.
10:26Oh, she's vomiting.
10:27It's okay.
10:28It's okay.
10:29No, she's going to have nothing left.
10:30Well done, Rosie.
10:31Brilliant.
10:32Brilliant.
10:33She's flexing.
10:34She's flexing her arms.
10:36And you can see her flexing her arms.
10:38She's going.
10:39And she's off.
10:40She's off.
10:41She's over.
10:42And she's headed it right into the top corner.
10:43Yes.
10:44Let's see that again.
10:45I'm presuming there's a three-play.
10:48Yes!
10:58Oh, wow.
11:00Look at her go.
11:01Quite an intense celebration there from Martin.
11:04Ah!
11:05She's doing a forward roll.
11:06Oh, her and Alex high-fiving.
11:08Yeah!
11:10Look to see it.
11:19What is this sport?
11:22So, I've never done a leapfrog before.
11:24So, I wanted to do that.
11:26I've also never scored a goal.
11:27So, I thought I could do both simultaneously and crucially,
11:30while I was in the air, I thought that would be quite tricky.
11:33I mean, you landed perfectly on his back.
11:35Yeah!
11:36Scrambled his head around.
11:37But it was genuinely impressive.
11:39Now, Rosie.
11:40Yes.
11:41As far as I can work out, the sport is...
11:43Tricky numbers.
11:45Yes.
11:46Well, that's the way you might describe it.
11:48LAUGHTER
11:49I mean, literally, what I saw was a woman touch her privates...
11:53LAUGHTER
11:54..and then round her back.
11:55Yeah.
11:56You vomited.
11:57Yes.
11:58You did a rudimentary maths sum.
11:59Yeah.
12:00You vomited again.
12:02Tricky numbers.
12:03All right.
12:04Classic RTT.
12:05Tricky.
12:06Do you know the trick of the nine times tables on your hands?
12:08I mean, I think probably everyone in the room can do this.
12:11LAUGHTER
12:12Let's see how fast you are.
12:13Seven nines?
12:1463.
12:15BUZZER
12:16Must be another one.
12:17But I'm not impressed.
12:18It's awesome.
12:19You can't go over nine for this system.
12:22So, I can't say 11 nines?
12:24Oh, no.
12:25LAUGHTER
12:27OK, time for a break.
12:29Here we are, Alex.
12:30That's it.
12:31Good boy.
12:32Good boy.
12:33Good boy.
12:34APPLAUSE
12:47Welcome back, everybody.
12:48Yes, and it really is high from me too.
12:51Before the break, the task found our athletes having to commentate on themselves,
12:55achieving something really tricky before achieving that really tricky thing.
12:59Now for the attempts of Fatia El Ghori and Matthew L. Bainton.
13:03LAUGHTER
13:04I can record two commentaries so that I've got a backup.
13:08Today we get to see the magnificent athlete Fatia El Ghori fly a plane through the Taskmaster dome.
13:15And here comes Bainton with the iconic 19 vest.
13:21Give me a warm-up.
13:22Ready to take on the really tricky thing of keepy-uppies with a tennis ball.
13:30He's got, funnily enough, 19 to beat to take home the goal.
13:36LAUGHTER
13:37And in her hand we see A4 white paper.
13:40So this looks very tricky because she's got really little fingers.
13:44We're very worried that she might get a paper cut, but she's been working with Andy Murray's coach.
13:49And at this point it's almost certain that he's done ten keepy-uppies.
13:56Nine that time.
13:58LAUGHTER
13:59No!
14:00Twenty keepy-uppies.
14:02Thirty keepy-uppies.
14:05Iconic.
14:07And here we go, any minute now.
14:09Here we go, here we go, here we go.
14:10Oh, and there it is.
14:12Well done, Fettin.
14:13She is the best.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:18Can we go closer?
14:20Good idea.
14:21This is your 50th attempt.
14:22People will say, don't pick something you can't do.
14:25But this has to be really tricky.
14:27And I think I've proved that.
14:29Where are the grapes?
14:30She's rocking a little bit and she's going to throw it any second now.
14:34And it's gone in through the dome.
14:36I mean, I didn't doubt her, but I was a little bit sceptical.
14:40Magnificent athlete.
14:41And here comes Bainton to try and attempt the record for the highest thrown and caught-in-the-mouth grape.
14:54Oh, that first attempt didn't play out.
14:57And there's no rules about how many attempts you're allowed, so that's fine.
15:02Oh, he's really slung that one.
15:04Oh, he's caught it!
15:06Unbelievable scenes!
15:09That's a really tricky thing!
15:13Iconic!
15:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
15:20With a whistle of hindsight, knowing how good you are at keeping uppies,
15:24was 19 the right goal to set yourself?
15:26I thought with a football it wouldn't be that impressive,
15:29it wouldn't look like an RTT.
15:31So I went...
15:33I went tennis ball and I overestimated my ability.
15:37But, the grape thing, different story.
15:41But was it an RTT? He did it on his second go.
15:44But it was as high as the house.
15:45But it was high.
15:46Yes, Iconic is what we're looking for.
15:48I think it's strong.
15:49OK.
15:50I thought yours was good as well.
15:51Don't blame me.
15:52I'm not blame you.
15:53Lovely attention to detail.
15:55Andy Murray's coach.
15:57He's jumped over from tennis, why not?
16:00How did you feel about the first attempt?
16:03Awful.
16:04Crushing.
16:05But the second?
16:06I mean, I was surprised by how excited I was.
16:09You want to see someone else?
16:11Yeah!
16:12It's time for the handsome stranger from overseas.
16:15Yes, it's Jason Manzoukas.
16:16Ooh!
16:17And here we are back again at Taskmaster Sports.
16:21Up next, Jason Manzoukas.
16:23He's exiting the Taskmaster house with undue confidence.
16:27But can he achieve an iconic tricky thing?
16:30We don't know.
16:31Alex Horne is following him behind, wondering what exactly is Jason Manzoukas up to?
16:35And oh!
16:36Oh!
16:37Wait!
16:38He's getting on top of the hunch!
16:39Manzoukas is...
16:40He's got a ladder.
16:41He's got a ladder and he's trying to get it onto the roof.
16:44I've said it, so it is happening.
16:47He's starting to scale the roof.
16:49Alex Horne is freaking out.
16:51Never before in Taskmaster history has anybody gotten onto the roof, but American comedian Jason Manzoukas is going to be the first person in history.
16:59Oh!
17:00Alex Horne is on the phone.
17:01Alex is shutting it down!
17:02Alex is shutting down the most iconic, really tricky thing that's ever been attempted.
17:07Jason Manzoukas is now being pulled off at the roof by a bunch of people dressed just like him?
17:14Is this what he makes them do?
17:17Huh?
17:18I'm being told that Jason Manzoukas makes everyone in the crew dress exactly like him when he's shooting so that everybody knows what it feels like to be great.
17:26His words, not mine.
17:28Well, they've got him down.
17:30He's safe.
17:31But the really tricky thing has not been achieved.
17:33Another failure for Jason Manzoukas in a lifetime full of epic fail.
17:39What a piece of shit.
17:47Nailed it.
17:49Sure.
17:50Full-throated commentary.
17:51Oh, yeah.
17:52A lot of excitement from you.
17:54Did you do the tricky thing?
17:55The tricky thing was not accomplished.
17:57Yeah.
17:58Why?
17:59Because Alex Horne shut it down.
18:01I loved the commentary, but I think I have to go with the spirit of the task and that was to achieve a tricky thing.
18:07I understand.
18:08I mean, I think you're absolutely fucking stupid for saying that.
18:12Right.
18:13I enjoyed it, but I'm afraid I must give him one point because he didn't achieve the tricky thing that he advertised he would be doing that was tricky.
18:21OK.
18:22So, it's one point to Jason.
18:23There you go.
18:24I don't know how tricky jumping on your back and heading a goal is.
18:27Oh!
18:28But it's context-based.
18:29It's tricky for me.
18:30You could see I couldn't even achieve it.
18:32What?
18:33Did it say tricky for you personally, the task?
18:35Oh, fair enough.
18:36No.
18:37So, I must give you two points.
18:40Two points for Steve.
18:41You've got it.
18:42Up we go.
18:43OK.
18:44Well done.
18:46Well done.
18:47Yeah.
18:48And here we go.
18:49He threw a grape into his mouth.
18:50Yes.
18:51I made a paper plane and flied it.
18:52They both flied their things.
18:53He's ridiculing you.
18:54I'm not quoting.
18:55It's all right, don't worry.
18:56I'm busy giving you a dirty look.
18:57When I finish with you, I'm going to go to him.
18:58Got it.
18:59Is that your dirty look?
19:00Yeah.
19:01Oh.
19:02Oh.
19:03Oh.
19:04Oh.
19:05Oh.
19:06Don't worry.
19:07I'm busy giving you a dirty look.
19:08When I finish with you, I'm going to go to him.
19:10Got it.
19:11Is that your dirty look?
19:12Yeah.
19:13Oh.
19:14Don't worry.
19:15We're going to get married.
19:16You don't understand.
19:17This is foreplay.
19:19I think, and my future wife is going to hate me for this,
19:24that I found the passion with which he took that high grape
19:28to be the most iconic.
19:29OK.
19:30So, I'm going to give him five.
19:31But, Fatia, four points for throwing a paper airplane.
19:33There's a happy five for Matthew.
19:37Right.
19:38Let's have a peek at the scoreboard, please.
19:39Yes.
19:40Well, Jason's at the bottom with four.
19:41Right at the top, maximum points.
19:42Matthew Bainton, ten points.
19:44Wow.
19:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
19:47OK.
19:48Can we have something nice and special?
19:50Just a bloody bit, because it's team time!
19:53Oh!
19:54Ooh!
19:55You ever sat on a cow?
20:24I've not no what have you sat on um horse a horse anything else
20:33No, I can't you've only said not that I can remember
20:43Hi Rosie, have you ever sat on a cow and no, okay, same as Matt
20:47Hmm nothing smaller not a shape or a dog. No, I don't think that would be responsible
20:57Okay
20:59Hello
21:03Pleasure, how are you?
21:07You're great, thank you
21:11Good off you. Do you want to mean you've got a better voice than me? No you
21:15Yeah, go on. He's got easy enough days like me too. He'll read it better. I'll pay more attention
21:20If you read it, if I read it, I won't
21:22So what? Hello. Oh
21:24Hello
21:26I'm Rosie. Nice to meet you. Hello
21:28Hello, I'm Fatiha. Nice to meet you. Have you ever sat on a cow? No, I don't like heights. Do you like heights or...?
21:34Why are you dressed like this, bro?
21:36Good question
21:38I've got a spare hijab. Shall I put it on him?
21:41Are we getting time for this? He's horting about it
21:43All right, give me that. Can we get in time for this?
21:45All right, all right, open it. We might be getting time, so let's see. All right, all right
21:47Let's get you read it. Go on
21:49Give Alex exactly 100 marbles on a plate
21:53And an egg cup full of tepid water
21:56Right
21:56One of you must always be sitting down
21:59One of you must always be jumping
22:01Ugh
22:01And one of you must always be clapping your hands
22:04Word
22:05You must each change your action every 30 seconds
22:09And no one may hold anything for more than five seconds at a time
22:13Oh, you're a liberty, bro
22:15Fastest wins, your time starts when Alex blows his whistle!
22:19APPLAUSE
22:23The teams all seem to get on
22:25I'm sure it was a little awkward between you
22:27But I have no doubt you've pulled it all together
22:30OK?
22:31All right, well, it's the team of two's turn to take the tepid test
22:34Yes, it's Mandzukas and Martin and Marbles
22:37I'm jumping!
22:38I'm jumping!
22:40Oh!
22:41You just need to put them down every five seconds
22:50Oh, whoa, whoa, I see
22:51Yeah
22:52You're getting the hang of it straight away
22:53Thank you
22:54Put those down, please
22:56Please change actions
22:57OK, shall I open them?
22:58I think so
22:59Make sure it's tepid water
23:00Put them down, please, Stevie
23:03Keep jumping
23:04What are you talking about? I can do it
23:07Yeah, I didn't know why you put it down for so long
23:09Oh, of course
23:10OK
23:11That's cold
23:12Please change actions
23:13OK, come on, Jason
23:14I think this is hot
23:16What's tepid?
23:17Tepid is not hot and not cold
23:19Oh, I get it
23:21Here we go, Stevie
23:23Oh, I found the marbles!
23:26Switch
23:27Switch
23:28How many did you do?
23:29Unclear
23:34You're going to have to put that down now, OK?
23:35Put it down
23:36Oh, I'd love it if someone was clapping
23:37Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap
23:38Oh, my God, I'm so tired
23:39I'm so tired
23:40Do you think this is an egg cup
23:41Or do I need to find an egg cup?
23:42That's a lid
23:43That's a lid
23:45Let's look at the task again, Stevie
23:46Yeah
23:47Stevie
23:48Oh my god, I'm so tired.
23:50Do you think this is an egg cup or do I need to find an egg cup?
23:53That's a lid.
23:54That's a lid.
23:56Let's look at the task again, Stevie.
24:00Stevie, huge news.
24:03Yeah?
24:04There's a goddamn map on the back of the task.
24:06Huge news.
24:07Put it down, Stevie.
24:08Okay, hold on.
24:09Oh, well, that's...
24:10You found it!
24:11Please switch.
24:13Go, Stevie!
24:18Mix the waters!
24:22Stevie!
24:23Come on, she's falling down!
24:25Mix the waters!
24:26Goddamn it, Alex!
24:31Right, go, go, go.
24:32You're all warm.
24:33I'm going to chill out.
24:35Oh, my legs are on fire.
24:40That's perfect.
24:43That's how I like it.
24:45Shall I just give these two of you?
24:47Yeah!
24:48Now, all of the marbles that were...
24:51Do you want me to stop the clock?
24:52Stop it!
24:53Stop it, you arsehole!
24:58Well done.
25:02What a team.
25:03Wow.
25:04Powerhouse.
25:05And we all know what the absolute highlight of that was.
25:09I remember doing that, and I was like,
25:11I'm still really going.
25:16I've sort of never seen another human move like that.
25:20Do you want to see it again, though?
25:22Of course I want to see it again.
25:24Go, Steven!
25:32Imagine there's an invisible jump rope in there.
25:35Can you see it again?
25:36Let's watch it again.
25:37Yeah, let's watch it again.
25:38Yeah, Steven!
25:43Not sped up, not sped up.
25:44Do you want to give any statistics about them?
25:46Sub-12 minutes, 11 minutes 45.
25:48Incredible.
25:49OK, that's part two over and done with.
25:51Part three next, then four.
25:53You must know how this works by now.
25:54We'll see you in a minute.
25:55APPLAUSE
26:06Hello!
26:07Welcome back!
26:08Where were we, Alex?
26:09Now for the team of three, Fatia, Matt and Rosie.
26:14Right, come!
26:15Right.
26:16I'm going to have to sit here.
26:17Go.
26:18Pass it to me.
26:19You open them.
26:20You're sitting down.
26:21Oh, can I jump?
26:22I'll jump.
26:23Oh, who's...
26:24You can...
26:25Please put that down now.
26:26That's water.
26:27Yeah, you open it, you open it.
26:28Are you jumping, Fatia?
26:29Yes, I am.
26:30Just because I'm doing it one leg, it's still a jump.
26:31Is it?
26:32Yeah.
26:33Yeah, that's tepid.
26:34Rocky, brother.
26:35You're not seeing Rocky.
26:36We need an egg cup.
26:37We need an egg cup.
26:38Egg cup!
26:39Yes!
26:40There's a plate here.
26:41It's had someone's breakfast on it, I think.
26:42Please put the plate down.
26:43What's going on?
26:44What about in the air?
26:45Oh, there's marbles.
26:46The marbles are here.
26:47There's marbles.
26:48Oh, there's marbles.
26:49The marbles are here.
26:50There's marbles.
26:51Oh, there's marbles.
26:52There's marbles.
26:53There's marbles.
26:54Oh, there's marbles.
26:55There's marbles.
26:56There's marbles.
26:57There's marbles.
26:58There's marbles.
26:59100 marbles on the plate.
27:00I can't hold it for long.
27:02Please change your action.
27:04Everyone.
27:13Mix them, mix them, mix them.
27:14Whoever sat down needs to count the eggs.
27:16Yeah.
27:17Apparently someone needs to count the eggs.
27:19Why do we have to count the eggs?
27:20Count the marbles.
27:21That's perfect.
27:22It's not too hot, not too cold.
27:2497.
27:2598.
27:26We need two.
27:27Yes.
27:28Have you lost your marbles?
27:29I remember early on some were thrown over here, so I'm just...
27:33I remember that.
27:34I remember I threw them here.
27:35Yeah.
27:36I can't find them.
27:37Can we get a rake and rake the grass?
27:38That's a good idea.
27:39Can't hear any clapping?
27:40There were enough marbles there.
27:41Oh, come on.
27:42This is crazy.
27:43Are you joking, Rosie?
27:44Oh my God.
27:45Well, this is a mess.
27:46We've got two more to find.
27:47I think we've lost the task.
27:48Are you holding anything?
27:49Do you know what?
27:50I found one!
27:51I found two!
27:52I found one!
27:53I found two!
27:54Yes!
27:55Is that it?
27:56Is that it?
27:57All changed.
27:58In the plate.
27:59In the plate.
28:00In the plate.
28:01In the plate.
28:02Deliver the plate.
28:03To us.
28:04One!
28:05One!
28:06One!
28:07One!
28:08One!
28:09I've stopped the clock.
28:10Are you happy with that?
28:11Yes!
28:12Well, happy is a strong word.
28:14I've got two more to find.
28:15I think we've lost the task.
28:16Are you holding anything?
28:17Do you know what?
28:18I've found one!
28:19I've found two!
28:20I've found two!
28:21Yes!
28:22Is that it?
28:23Is that it?
28:24All changed.
28:25In the plate.
28:26In the plate.
28:27In the plate.
28:28Deliver the plate to us.
28:29One!
28:30One!
28:31One!
28:32One!
28:33I guess the obvious thing we need to talk about is what your definition of jumping is.
28:43Fatia?
28:44Yeah?
28:45Do you want to jump this?
28:46Yeah?
28:47Because you were just stepping.
28:49And when someone said you're supposed to be jumping, you shouted, and I've written it down,
28:54Rocky bruv.
28:56Yeah, you know when he jumps from foot to foot, innit?
28:59When he runs?
29:01Yeah!
29:02Rosie, are you pleased with your jumping?
29:04I think I was alright.
29:05Let's see Rosie jumping, shall we?
29:07OK, here's Rosie jumping.
29:08Are you jumping, Rosie?
29:09That's actually twerking.
29:10She's quiet, isn't it?
29:12Let's ask the big question.
29:13Why did you throw the marble?
29:14Because he was shouting, innit?
29:15He was going, don't hold it, don't hold it, and blowing his whistle, and I just couldn't
29:28take it.
29:29They took pretty much twice as long.
29:31The team of two took 11 minutes 45, you guys took 22 minutes 34.
29:36The only thing I would say in my job as administrative assistant, it was to bring me exactly 100 marbles
29:41on a plate.
29:42If I show you the two teams' efforts...
29:44Oh!
29:45Oh!
29:46Is it a double disqualification?
29:48Oh!
29:49Is that a plate on the left?
29:52It looks tambourine-y.
29:53Given everyone's understanding of the word jump, I'm tempted to allow plate.
29:57We're allowing the tambourine?
29:58Let's assume it's a yes, and then let's talk about marbles.
30:02Oh, well, it's obviously worth counting the marbles.
30:03There had to be exactly 100 marbles.
30:05Oh.
30:06I counted the marbles.
30:07I have to count the marbles.
30:08Of course.
30:09So I split them up into tens.
30:10It's my system, Rosie.
30:11We've all got systems, haven't we?
30:12I knew you were a set of go, that's all it is.
30:16Split them into ten like this.
30:17Ten, ten, ten, ten, ten.
30:19They both did really well.
30:20We've got 100 and we've got 100.
30:22We've got 101 over that size.
30:24What?
30:25Well, that's your fault.
30:26And in a tambourine.
30:27I'm putting more marbles in a place where we were meant to find marbles.
30:29We deliberately put more marbles in a place.
30:31Clever.
30:32Yeah.
30:33Thank God that Fatia threw some of the marbles away.
30:35Yeah!
30:36Do you know what?
30:37Actually, yeah.
30:40So are we saying the team of three get five points?
30:42Of course they do.
30:43Five points.
30:44I think on this occasion I have to reward effort and hilarity.
30:50OK.
30:51So I can't give them nothing.
30:52Right.
30:53I think one is fair because they failed on both counts.
30:56OK.
30:57One and five points to the team of three.
30:59There we go.
31:00OK.
31:01That's please.
31:02Yes, please.
31:03And it's time to get wet in the sub-maravan, please.
31:07Here we go.
31:08Hello.
31:09Oh, welcome to my...
31:10Oh, sorry about that.
31:11Oh, gosh.
31:12Hello.
31:13Oh, Stevie.
31:14You've just written the word Stevie on your pad.
31:15I was guessing who was going to come in.
31:16Matthew.
31:17Alex.
31:18I don't live here, do you?
31:19I don't live here, do you?
31:20I eat, sleep, urinate, do everything here.
31:21Oh, yeah, it smells like it.
31:22You ready?
31:23What's in here?
31:24Get the most liquid in this can.
31:25Get the most liquid in this can.
31:26You may not leave the sub-marathon.
31:27You may not leave the sub-maravan.
31:30Oh.
31:31I don't know.
31:32I don't know.
31:33It's just a...
31:34I don't know.
31:35I don't know.
31:36I don't know.
31:37I don't live here, do you?
31:40I eat, sleep, urinate, do everything here.
31:43Oh, yeah, it smells like it.
31:44Ready? What's in here?
31:48Oh!
31:51Get the most liquid in this can.
31:54You may not leave the sub-maravan.
31:58You have 15 minutes.
32:00Your time starts now.
32:03I do need a wee, and that's a problem for you.
32:07APPLAUSE
32:08So, get as much liquid into the tin as possible.
32:14Absolutely. Who's first?
32:15Here they come, it's rosemary and fattier.
32:18Get the most liquid. I've seen liquid there.
32:21Oh, milk! Milk!
32:24All right, let's get these.
32:25What are your feelings on milk?
32:27I hate milk. Yeah.
32:30The things you have to do in this place, I'll tell you.
32:33What's this? Toiletries. Yeah.
32:35These liquids? You get them taken off, you're on a flight.
32:39Ah, bath pearls.
32:41Yeah, but they need to melt.
32:42Quick time, bruv.
32:44This is liquid.
32:45Liquid.
32:48What's this?
32:49Oh! Ice!
32:50Ice!
32:51Hold on, hold on.
32:53There's something in here, and it says...
32:55Decking cleaner.
32:56Yeah, that's how I clean the decking.
32:57Oh, you've just activated it, yeah.
33:01OK.
33:02Yeah.
33:03So it's started?
33:04Yeah, it's going on the suit to the decking.
33:07Oh!
33:09Oh, OK, happy bit of understanding now!
33:13Oh, look, there's a little thing here.
33:14Right, here we go.
33:16Can I do that?
33:17Let's try it.
33:23Oh!
33:24It's working.
33:28Yeah, of course it's working.
33:29I made it.
33:40Something's happening.
33:41Where did that come from?
33:42Did it go into the tin?
33:43No.
33:44Ah.
33:44The tin was the other way, because I was waiting for it to come from there.
33:47That's a shame.
33:48Excuse me.
33:49There's something that could be quicker, isn't there?
33:52You know there is.
33:56Oh, are these real grapes?
33:57All right, we're going to squash the grapes.
33:59What's out here?
34:00Are you kidding me?
34:0125 seconds.
34:02Why didn't I look out here?
34:03Oh, my God!
34:04You haven't got that long.
34:06I busted the pearls.
34:07You busted the pearls?
34:08Yeah, bro.
34:08It took a couple of seconds.
34:10Have I?
34:10You're going to have to be really quick.
34:11OK, OK, OK, OK.
34:13I'm not curious.
34:14Sorry.
34:15These are not real, man.
34:16And look at my best look.
34:18Sorry.
34:18I'm sorry.
34:19I'm sorry.
34:20I'm sorry.
34:20I'm sorry.
34:21I'm sorry.
34:29The question I found myself asking was how much you understand about the way that liquids work.
34:35Quake me if I'm wrong.
34:36You just put the tin on its side.
34:39Yeah.
34:40So, did you think it would flow in and then just stay there?
34:44OK.
34:45OK.
34:45OK.
34:46OK.
34:48At the moment, I'm just gathering information so I understand.
34:51OK.
34:52Thanks.
34:53So, it's two wet men now, Jason and Mason.
34:56Here we go.
34:57OK.
34:58OK.
35:04Solid.
35:04For now.
35:12It is quite a powerful shower, so beware.
35:17That's how I like my showers.
35:18Good to get a nice flow in the morning.
35:20What?
35:21Why would you say that?
35:22Oh, oh, boy.
35:34It's all wet.
35:37Breakfast drink!
35:38Alex, could you go hand me that?
35:39I'm not allowed out of the Submaravan.
35:41OK.
35:47Have I left the caravan?
35:49Where are your feet?
35:50My feet are inside of it, I believe.
35:52You're fine.
35:52Thank you, sir.
35:56This is how I have to get it every morning.
35:57It's a nightmare.
36:01Ooh, this is dicey.
36:03Ooh, I don't love this.
36:09Not a problem.
36:13Take it to yourself.
36:15It's a small triumph.
36:19OK.
36:21Is this piss?
36:22OK, this seems like it's part of that shower.
36:25Why didn't all that water come out?
36:27Is it doing anything when I did that?
36:29Yeah, it's leaking.
36:31This is going to take ages, isn't it?
36:35It's almost as if these tasks are designed to make a fool of you.
36:39It's kind of beautiful, though.
36:45Hmm.
36:47I've got all this liquid here that I wish would just come out.
36:51Oh, ho, ho, ho.
36:53Damn it!
36:55God damn it!
37:00How do you get water to come out of the drainpipe over there?
37:03It looks like some sort of Rube Goldberg machine.
37:08OK.
37:09Let's see if this works.
37:14Oh, here it comes.
37:15Something's happening.
37:16Yeah, that's exciting.
37:17Oh, dear.
37:19That's just my leg and my skin.
37:21I guess if you bleed into it, that'll help.
37:23Not a bad point.
37:26I've cut myself.
37:27That's my blood now.
37:2820 seconds.
37:3520 seconds?
37:36You break your fight.
37:38Five seconds.
37:40That's your time up.
37:42Oh.
37:43Oh.
37:43Oh.
37:47There seems to have a lot of sort of latent rage with both of you.
37:52How do you feel spending time with Alex Horne?
37:54Oh, no, I understand that.
37:56I feel very angry.
37:57But this rage, Matthew, did you feel it in the caravan?
38:02Very, very often, not just in the caravan.
38:04Yeah.
38:05Almost every time I read a task, it was immediate.
38:09But you, up to this stage, you've been very gentle, very amenable, and at one point, you managed to get the breakfast drink in using the grabber, and you really cockily went, not a problem.
38:19They both did very well in there.
38:23I can't tell you yet how well.
38:25OK, time for the last break of the show.
38:27Some snooty prizes will be won, including a hat from Eton and a painting of a tortoise as a war general.
38:33The middle class is lovers!
38:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
38:45Oh! Well, here we are, then. I can't believe it. It's part four, and there's just one person left to go in the task where they have to fill the can with the most liquid.
38:55Yes. Well, you'd better believe it, Greg, and you'd better also believie it's time for Stevie.
39:05Couldn't have been that easy, could it?
39:07Are you trying to turn the tap on?
39:08Yeah, obviously, that would be number one, what I'd be trying to do.
39:10OK.
39:15Ice.
39:16What are you doing with the ice?
39:17I'm holding it in my hand so that it warms and drifts.
39:23OK, OK.
39:25Now we're cooking with gas.
39:27Wait, is wax a liquid?
39:29It is when it's liquid.
39:31OK, I'm going to set fire to this.
39:33Right.
39:34Start a small fire.
39:35That's going to keep it warm.
39:38I'll just squeeze it if you break it.
39:42Jesus Christ!
39:43I mean, if it not worked, I'll just put it over the sink.
39:48Liquid, you say?
39:50Mm.
39:50What have you made?
39:51Straws?
39:52I could wait.
39:54I think what I would gain in amount of liquid, I'd lose in every other element.
40:00Why's that window open?
40:01OK.
40:03I can't...
40:05So I can't leave?
40:07Three minutes, Stevie.
40:09Yeah.
40:13OK.
40:14We've made a connection.
40:15Yes.
40:15What do you think is going to happen?
40:17LAUGHTER
40:18How in God's name are you meant to do that?
40:28It's not like a long litter picker that I've not seen.
40:31Probably.
40:31One minute left.
40:32What are you talking about, probably?
40:34Oh, shut up.
40:42Shut up.
40:4332 seconds.
40:44Yes!
40:46OK, I'm bringing him home.
40:47Right.
40:4823 seconds.
40:49Shut up!
40:49Pardon?
40:52Oh, Jesus.
40:54Christ.
40:55About 15 seconds, really.
41:06That's the timer.
41:08Yes!
41:15It was absolutely dreadful.
41:17Yeah, it was awful, yeah.
41:18I really enjoyed watching it.
41:19Yes, well, it was the worst, Stevie's one, by far.
41:22We've actually measured them.
41:23We froze the water, it's the easiest way to represent what you did.
41:26You froze the amount of liquid?
41:27Yeah.
41:28Oh, nice.
41:28Into ducks.
41:29Oh.
41:30Aww.
41:31That's the ducks, when you see Matthew's ducks.
41:33Cute.
41:33The breakfast...
41:34Wow!
41:35Yeah, it's nice, isn't it, the breakfast drink,
41:37gave it that lovely colour.
41:38So, if we see that on the graph.
41:40Stevie, you only got 2.5 ducks, 219 millilitres.
41:43Then we got Rosie, six ducks.
41:46Ooh.
41:46Matthew, you got your 10.7 ducks, of course.
41:49Wow.
41:49Jason, 16.2 ducks.
41:52But fattier, 8.6 ducks, so slightly less.
41:55LAUGHTER
41:56So, as you can see, it's one point to Stevie,
41:59two to Rosie, three to fattier,
42:01four to Matt and five to Jason Manzoukas.
42:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:05Right, please make your way to the stage
42:09to the final task of the show!
42:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:13To the best boy in the land, do you know that?
42:22I'm good at jumping.
42:22LAUGHTER
42:23He's having a pop at you, you know that.
42:26And you're going to let him chat to your woman like that?
42:28LAUGHTER
42:30Who's going to read the Tusk out?
42:31I think Jason should read this one, please.
42:34Here we go.
42:36Choose an item from each box
42:38and place them on the corresponding half of your table.
42:41You have one minute, your time starts on the whistle.
42:44There are ten items in the boxes altogether.
42:47You're each going to have two items on your table in the end.
42:49One on the right-hand side from the right box,
42:51one on the left-hand side from the left box.
42:53You've only got a minute, so you're going to have to decide
42:56who gets which in your own way.
42:59LAUGHTER
43:00Ready, everybody?
43:01One minute.
43:02On the whistle.
43:03WHISTLE BLOWS
43:04Right, OK, let's open boxes.
43:05Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
43:07OK, I'll just go back.
43:08Shall we, are we just giving this?
43:09Yeah, we'll do this.
43:11I don't know what this means!
43:12You're not meant to, and that's the joy!
43:14It doesn't make sense!
43:15Take an item from the right box!
43:17Mattia, take a balloon!
43:18Just take something from the right box!
43:20No, someone should bring more hands.
43:22OK, someone swap with me, cos I'm not popping these.
43:26OK.
43:27I know he's going to say pop it.
43:28Please put them down, that's it.
43:29We've all got two items.
43:30Well, Jason, you know, read the next task.
43:34One at a time, pass the item on your right
43:38to the person on your right,
43:40and the item on your left to the person on your left.
43:45I'll talk you through this, but you're going to end up with balloons,
43:47Fatia, that's the headline.
43:50So, Fatia, what's on the left of your table?
43:51Foil.
43:52Please give the foil to the person on your left.
43:54OK.
43:55And please give the trousers to the person on your left, Jason.
43:58And so on.
43:59So, the balls go to Rosie, cardboard goes to Stevie,
44:03and the piping goes all the way round to Fatia.
44:05And while you're there, Fatia's going to give you a sleeping bag.
44:09And then what do I get?
44:11Do I get that?
44:12No, you're going to get the balloons.
44:13That's going to go on the right-hand side.
44:14Oh, OK.
44:15Yeah, yeah, yeah.
44:16Over there you go.
44:17Matthew, please give him the safe.
44:19The microwave goes to Matthew, and the flower goes to Rosie.
44:22Oh, my God.
44:23I don't know.
44:24I don't know.
44:26They're ready, Greg, for part three of the task.
44:28OK.
44:29Put one of your items completely inside the other item.
44:35Fastest wins.
44:36Your time starts on the whistle.
44:39It has to be completely inside the other item.
44:42It's up to you which goes in which.
44:43Your time starts.
44:45Oh, OK.
44:47You're going to have to put one inside the other one, Fatia.
44:50Can I blow them off?
44:51You're going to have to pop them, Fatia.
44:52I feel like I'm going to have to pop them.
44:54You're going to have to pop them.
44:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:59I don't like it.
45:01Can I have a tin?
45:02I know the code, but I can't enter it.
45:05Hang on.
45:08How come I can't enter the code?
45:10How do you know the code?
45:12It's on the balloon.
45:13It is on the balloon.
45:142851, it's on the balloon, but it won't register.
45:17Matthew, you're safe in the foil.
45:20But I know the code, Alex.
45:23LAUGHTER
45:25I know.
45:26I did the code part.
45:27Yeah!
45:28Did it win?
45:29I didn't take a while after what else was about.
45:32Well, they've got to be completely inside, Fatia.
45:34Jason's done it.
45:35They've got to be completely inside.
45:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:38Is that completely inside the sheets?
45:39There it is.
45:40There it is.
45:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:45Well, after those scores, your final scores,
45:47come down and join me!
45:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:52How could a simple task like that be so contentious?
45:57Yeah, so Rosie only got one point in the end
45:59because she was the slowest by some distance.
46:02Fatia, you got two points.
46:03Jason, three points.
46:04Matt, four.
46:05But Stevie Martin, the overall winner, gets five points!
46:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:09I just want to say, if my safe had worked, I would have nailed it.
46:14Jason was very unlucky.
46:15He spotted the code to the safe, which was on the balloons next to him,
46:18but I'd forgotten to change the batteries in the safe, so...
46:20LAUGHTER
46:22I mean...
46:23Fuck you, dear.
46:25It's a very interesting final scoreboard.
46:27We have three people in joint third.
46:29Can you believe it?
46:30Jason, Rosie and Stevie all in 13 points.
46:32Fatia's in second place with 15 points,
46:34but the runaway leader with 23 points.
46:36It's Matthew Bainton!
46:37Matthew Bainton, where is the episode?
46:42Please shoot up to the stage and claim your snooty booty!
46:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
47:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE