TV-G | 30min | Comedy, Drama, Family, Music, TV Series | Episode aired 12 January 1966
Patty wants the family to pitch in to buy Martin a birthday present. But trouble begins when the family gets the wrong idea about what present Martin wants.
Directors: Charles Barton, Gary Nelson
Writers: Sam Locke, Ed Jurist, Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Patty wants the family to pitch in to buy Martin a birthday present. But trouble begins when the family gets the wrong idea about what present Martin wants.
Directors: Charles Barton, Gary Nelson
Writers: Sam Locke, Ed Jurist, Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Uh, Kathy, how much were you planning to spend on Popo's birthday present?
00:15Well, I've saved up about $10.
00:18Why?
00:19Well, uh, how would you like to pool your money with mine and we'll buy him a really
00:22great gift from his two girls?
00:24Well, how much do you have?
00:26Well, um, I was planning to spend $10 too.
00:30All right.
00:31But, uh, all I saved up was five and a half.
00:35In that case, Patty, I think I'll, uh, just go ahead and buy Uncle Martin a present on
00:40my own.
00:41He's done so much for me.
00:42Kathy, don't you think that's being a little selfish?
00:44Selfish?
00:45What difference does it make how much each of us puts in?
00:48If we can get a really great gift for Popo, isn't that what counts?
00:52If I had $100 and you only had a quarter, I'd go in with you.
00:55Hey, Patty, I'll go in with you.
00:56Yeah?
00:57How much do you have?
00:58$1.25.
01:05Meet Kathy who's lived most everywhere.
01:09From Zanzibar to Barclays Square.
01:12But Patty's only seen the sights a girl can see from Brooklyn Heights.
01:16What a crazy pair.
01:18But they're cousins.
01:21Identical cousins all the way.
01:25One pair of matching bookends.
01:28Different as night and day.
01:31Where Kathy adores a minuet.
01:34The ballet Russe and crepe Suzette.
01:37Our Patty loves her rock and roll.
01:39The hot dog makes her lose control.
01:41What a wild duet.
01:43Still they're cousins.
01:46Identical cousins then you'll find.
01:50They laugh alike, they walk alike, at times they even talk alike.
01:54You can lose your mind when cousins are two of a kind.
02:07Hey, some of the things in this catalog are ideal for Popo.
02:09What's so ideal about them?
02:11They're all under $5.
02:13Listen to this.
02:14A fluffy little dog that is really a transistor radio.
02:17You turn his nose to the right for volume control.
02:20You press in his eyes for AM, FM, and you zip open his stomach to change the batteries.
02:24What do you think?
02:25I think the ASPCA should be notified at once.
02:28Well, it's not easy to find something he doesn't have.
02:30I know, dear.
02:32Maybe it's time to open the hinting season.
02:35You mean feel him out to see what he wants?
02:37Good idea.
02:38Where is he, in the den?
02:39But he's working. It might not be a very good time to disturb him.
02:42That's okay. When I'm working, I love to be disturbed.
02:44I try to be subtle.
02:46Mom?
02:48You are looking at a walking web of cunning.
03:08Hi.
03:09Hi.
03:10Are you working?
03:11Not anymore.
03:12Papo, do you know Doris Hartley's uncle, Frank?
03:15I don't even know Doris Hartley.
03:17Oh, well, uh, it's not important.
03:19See, her uncle is having a birthday, and he's one of those men who has everything.
03:22So, uh, I told her I'd come up with a few suggestions.
03:25And, uh, I thought I'd get a man's point of view.
03:27Okay.
03:29What would you think of getting him something for his car?
03:31Well, it depends. What?
03:33A horn.
03:35Well, that could come in very handy.
03:36No, this is a special horn. It goes...
03:39Like a blue moose.
03:41It's a novelty item for the man who has everything.
03:43You mean everything except a female moose.
03:46You don't think it would be a kick to have?
03:48Well, not in this state, honey. It's against the law.
03:50Oh.
03:52Okay.
03:53How would you like a canasta shuffler?
03:55How would I like it?
03:56I mean, how would you like it for Doris Hartley's uncle?
03:59Well, it sounds fine.
04:01If he plays canasta.
04:03Oh.
04:04I think he plays poker.
04:06As a matter of fact, I'm sure he does.
04:08Okay, here's an idea that's really boss.
04:11A foot vibrator.
04:15Uh, does her uncle walk a lot?
04:19No.
04:20Come to think of it, he sits a lot.
04:22Well, in that case, you got the wrong kind of vibrator.
04:27Uh, yeah, I'm sorry, honey. That's Jim Fraser.
04:30Afraid I'm gonna be busy for a little while.
04:32We have to run over the Sunday feature lineup for the next few weeks.
04:35Well, I'm sorry I wasn't much help.
04:37Oh, sure you were, Papa. Now I know three things not to get.
04:40To tell Doris not to get.
04:42See you later.
04:47Hi, Jim.
04:48Hi, Martin.
04:49Come on into the den.
04:55What's so funny?
04:56Oh, Patty.
04:58She's knocking herself out trying to figure out what I'd like for my birthday present.
05:02Oh, it's the daddy bird's birthday.
05:05Yeah, in a couple of weeks.
05:07Oh, Patty's really come up with some wild ideas.
05:11Like an automobile horn that sounds like a bull moose.
05:14Huh?
05:15Now, who'd want that?
05:17Someone who's looking for a female moose.
05:24Yeah, all right.
05:25Here's the tentative schedule you asked me to rough out.
05:28I hate to see the kids spending their hard-earned money on me.
05:31I don't mind about my wife. That's my hard-earned money.
05:34Besides, you always get a lot of things you just don't use.
05:37Not if you're clever about it.
05:39What do you mean?
05:40Well, I always make a list, see?
05:42Then I leave it laying around somewhere where they'll run into it.
05:44Uh-huh.
05:45Last year, it took them about ten minutes to get the idea.
05:48Where'd you leave the list?
05:49I pasted it to the bathroom mirror.
05:51Very clever.
05:53Yeah? Well, all I know is I didn't get stuck with a bull moose horn.
05:56Shall we get to work?
05:58Right.
06:00Hey, I think I got it figured out.
06:01The schedule?
06:02No, no.
06:04How to throw a hint to Patty without being too obvious.
06:07Let's see.
06:08Something nice and cheap.
06:11And then I'll just tear it out of the magazine and leave it around where she can find it, see?
06:15Now you're getting the idea.
06:19Hey, how about this?
06:21Why would I want a personal oxygen tank?
06:24Well, it says right there it's great for hangovers.
06:26Well, I don't really think I need it, Jim.
06:28Besides, it's kind of expensive.
06:30Yeah, but if you only used it on the morning after New Year's Eve, it'd be worth it.
06:34Now, here's something.
06:36Swiss pocket knife.
06:37Eight different blades, including knife, fork, spoon, and leather punch.
06:41$3.95.
06:43Think it's worth it?
06:44At 50 cents a blade, it's perfect.
06:52Oh, boy, Ross, are you gonna get it.
06:54What'd I do now?
06:55How many times has Poppo told you not to tear things out of magazines?
06:57I didn't tear that out.
06:59Don't lie to me.
07:00I'm not lying.
07:01Wait a minute.
07:02This is a matter of life and death.
07:03Yeah? Why?
07:04Because I found this on Poppo's desk, and if you didn't tear it out, that means he did.
07:07And if I can get him something for less than $5, I'm home free.
07:10Let me see.
07:12Swiss pocket knife.
07:13Eight different blades, including knife, fork, spoon, and leather punch.
07:17What would Poppo want with this?
07:19To eat with. What do you think?
07:20Then I suppose the leather punch is so he can make extra holes in his belt when he's through eating.
07:24Very funny.
07:27I guess it does seem like a pretty flaky gift for a grown man.
07:30Hey, wait a minute.
07:31You're looking at the wrong side.
07:33Telescopic rifle.
07:35Yeah, that's what Dad clipped the ad out for.
07:37For the discriminating sportsman.
07:39Oh, boy, what a birthday gift that'd make.
07:41Yeah.
07:42Hand carved stock of French walnut.
07:44Oh, groovy.
07:45Engraved trigger guard.
07:46Mm, dreamy.
07:47$99.
07:48Oh, boy.
07:49And 50 cents.
07:51You really think that Swiss knife is so bad?
07:54$99.50?
07:57Oh, boy.
07:59That's exactly what I said to Ross. Right, Ross?
08:01Yeah.
08:02All we could come up with was $6.30.
08:04It's just plain stupid.
08:06I don't think wanting to get your father a gift like this is stupid.
08:09Oh, Kathy, I knew you'd see it that way.
08:11Kathy, $10.
08:12Yeah.
08:13$83.20 to go.
08:14Go, go!
08:16Thanks, Pat.
08:20It's a marvelous gift, but even if we did pool our money...
08:22I know what you're going to say.
08:23$99.50 is an outlandish amount of money to pay for Poppo's gift.
08:27No, it isn't, but I...
08:28Oh, then you agree it would be a great gift.
08:30Well, of course it would, but...
08:31Oh, Mom, I knew you'd see it our way.
08:33Now, just a minute.
08:34$99.50 is a lot of money.
08:36I know, but Ross and I have it all figured out.
08:38You want to tell her?
08:39I yield to the champ.
08:41Okay.
08:42We figured if you'd let us have an advance on our allowance for a few months,
08:44we could make it with no trouble at all.
08:46Oh, I'm afraid not, dear.
08:47I won't have you skipping lunches to make up for it.
08:49Mom, we don't mind starving for a thing like that, do we, Ross?
08:52That Swiss knife is getting to look better and better.
08:56Mom, answer me one question.
08:58How much money were you going to spend on Poppo's gift?
09:00Oh, I was going to get him some shirts for about $25.
09:06$58.20 to go.
09:08Mom, could you stretch the 25 a little?
09:10A little, yes, but what you're asking for could result in a severe strain.
09:14Please, Mom, I'm only asking you to think about it.
09:16Honey, I will think about it.
09:18Oh, Mom, you're the greatest.
09:24Ah, I see the kitchen cabinet's in session.
09:26Hi, honey.
09:27Hi, dear.
09:28Uh, I'd like to make a motion for an early dinner.
09:30Jim is coming over around 8 to run over the feature lineup.
09:33Are you sure that's the way soupy sales got started?
09:37Want me to help you hang up your hat and coat?
09:40Oh, boy.
09:41When that blabbermouth wants to help, watch out.
09:49Ross, if you say one word...
09:51I didn't say what we were going to get him.
09:53Just that we decided.
09:54Oh, what's the use?
09:55Now I suppose you're going to try and worm it out of us.
09:57Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.
09:59Don't you want a little hint?
10:00Absolutely not.
10:02Well, I'll tell you this.
10:03When you open that package, you'll really flip.
10:05I will?
10:06Yeah, and when you use it, you'll get a real charge.
10:08Ross.
10:09What did I say?
10:10He just means you'll get a bang out of it.
10:11Patty.
10:12All right, you two, that's enough.
10:14You want to spoil the surprise?
10:15Dinner in 15 minutes, dear.
10:17Oh, good. I'm starved.
10:18Well, at least that birthday present will get you out of doors, which won't hurt you one bit.
10:23Out of doors?
10:24It can't be used inside?
10:26Well, I don't think the neighbors would approve if you started firing...
10:29Mom!
10:36Neighbors wouldn't approve?
10:41I just don't understand.
10:43I thought I laid out that schedule pretty clearly.
10:46Oh, no, no.
10:47I mean about the birthday present.
10:49The neighbors wouldn't approve.
10:50Now, what does that mean?
10:52Well, you sure they saw the ad for the Swiss knife?
10:54Yeah, I'm positive.
10:55I left it in here in the den.
10:56I found it out there in the living room.
10:59The neighbors wouldn't approve.
11:02Look, old buddy.
11:03Do you know that this is the second night we've spent on this layout?
11:06Oh, I'm sorry, Kim.
11:07Where were we?
11:08Oh, we were trying to figure out what to do with an article on college football.
11:11It can't be used indoors.
11:13What?
11:14Nothing.
11:15Nothing.
11:17I don't understand why the neighbors wouldn't approve...
11:21of a telescopic rifle.
11:25Uh-oh.
11:26They looked at the wrong side.
11:30Hand-carved stock of French walnut.
11:32What a beauty.
11:34Well, 99.50, it ought to be.
11:37What a family you got.
11:38Now, that's some sweet present.
11:41You must be kidding.
11:43I wouldn't dream of letting him spend that kind of money on me.
11:46I'm gonna put a stop to this right now.
11:51Mom, you promised me you'd buy him the rifle.
11:53I said I'd think it over.
11:55You see, the trouble is, honey, I don't have enough in my household money.
11:58And if I take it out of the joint account, he might ask me about it.
12:00Tell him you bought a hat.
12:01Patty, we're trying to do something nice for your father, not demoralize him.
12:04What about my morale and Kathy's and even Ross?
12:07If we don't get him that rifle, we'll all be shattered.
12:10I know how I can do it.
12:12How?
12:13I bought a coat just last week. It still has the tags on it.
12:16I'll return it.
12:17Oh, Mom, I knew you'd come through.
12:19And you know when you'll get your reward?
12:21On Papa's birthday, when you see that look on his face.
12:36Jim, I've got to let him buy me that rifle.
12:39Well, I'm glad you changed your mind.
12:41Because it's a beauty.
12:43No, no, that isn't it.
12:45It's just that they've built up such a head of enthusiasm about it that...
12:48Well, I can't put a damper on it.
12:51Do you know what Natalie is going to do?
12:53She is giving back a coat that she bought in order to finance my present.
12:57No kidding.
12:58Well, summer's coming on, so she really...
13:00Jim, I can't let her do it.
13:03Okay.
13:05Look, this piece on Mars is going to leave us a little short.
13:08So what we need is a nice 500-word filler.
13:11I've got it.
13:12The filler?
13:13No, no, how to solve the present problem.
13:15I'll just give the money to Nat and the kids.
13:18It's that simple.
13:20All right, now, let's see.
13:23Say, how about an editorial cartoon for filler?
13:25You can't do it.
13:27Well, don't you think the boss will care for it?
13:29I don't think Natalie and the kids would care for it.
13:31Natalie and the kids don't even read the feature section.
13:34I'm talking about handing them the money.
13:37It would be insulting.
13:39Jim, I'm not going to just hand them the money.
13:42Give me credit for a little tact.
13:44Yeah, well, how are you going to do it?
13:46Well, I'll think of something.
13:47Well, let's get back to this now.
13:48We don't have all night.
13:50Now, listen, here's a cartoon by Fletcher that's very, very good.
13:53In fact, I've been thinking of running his stuff daily.
13:55Hey, that's a great idea.
13:57We've always got this problem of filler,
13:59and this would be the perfect solution.
14:01It's like finding money on the street.
14:04Wouldn't Fletcher be interested?
14:06See, you just gave me an idea.
14:08About how to get Fletcher interested?
14:10Jim, can't you keep your mind on one thing for more than a minute?
14:13I'm talking about giving the money to Natalie and the kids
14:16without their knowing about it.
14:17Oh.
14:19Out of the mouths of babes.
14:22And newspaper men.
14:36Uh, Nat?
14:38Oh, Natalie?
14:40She's not home, Popo.
14:41Can I do something for you?
14:43Uh, well, uh, yeah.
14:45Yeah, come on out here, honey, just for a minute.
14:49Yeah, Popo?
14:51Uh, we ought to have the gardener trim that juniper.
14:54Don't you think it looks a little raggedy?
14:56Yeah.
14:57Yeah, I'll have Mom tell him about it.
14:58Uh, well, Popo, I don't think it's a good idea.
15:01I don't think it's a good idea.
15:03Yeah, yeah, I'll have Mom tell him about it.
15:05Uh, well, uh, Patty, um...
15:09What's new?
15:11You mean since we talked five minutes ago?
15:16Uh, say, listen, why don't we take a little walk, huh?
15:18Okay, where? Over to the park?
15:20No, no, right here.
15:22In the backyard?
15:23Sure.
15:24Sure.
15:31You know, uh, it's very pleasant out here, isn't it?
15:35Yeah.
15:39Nice day.
15:41Yeah.
15:49I love a good walk, don't you?
15:51Yeah.
15:55Popo.
15:56Hmm?
15:57Can you keep a secret?
15:58Well, of course.
16:00We're breaking out of this place tonight.
16:05Say, uh, have you smelled those flowers?
16:08Have you ever smelled them?
16:09Yeah, yeah, they're wonderful.
16:11Oh, but I mean recently.
16:13Well, time to think of it.
16:17Oh, no, no, not those, honey.
16:19I meant those, the little one down there.
16:21Oh, those?
16:22Mm-hmm.
16:23Those?
16:24Mm-hmm.
16:26Mm, yeah, they smell great.
16:28Uh, uh, what's that?
16:31What?
16:32That.
16:33Oh, those dumb kids next door always throwing their candy wrappers at me.
16:36Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.
16:38Honey, I don't, I don't think that's a candy wrapper.
16:40No, it's probably some kind of...
16:44Money.
16:45Oh, is that what it is?
16:47Sure, $50 bill.
16:49Popo, is it real?
16:51Oh, well, uh, I'll tell you, this one is real.
16:53And, uh, so, so is this one.
16:55Hey, uh, talk about pennies from heaven, Patty.
16:58You found a jackpot right here on Earth.
17:00Congratulations.
17:01You don't mean I can keep this?
17:03Well, why not?
17:04I mean, finders keepers, you know.
17:06Popo, you're not serious.
17:08I'm not?
17:09This money has to be turned into the police.
17:11Well, now, now, wait a minute.
17:13Do you remember that editorial you wrote last month?
17:16Uh, which one?
17:17The one about cheaters who keep lost things
17:19instead of turning them into the police.
17:21Oh, well, yeah, of course.
17:22You're absolutely right, and I'm going to take this
17:24to the police station myself right now.
17:26No, no, Patty, don't do that.
17:28I mean...
17:32I'll turn it in.
17:33No, Popo, you're too busy.
17:35No, no, honey, I have to go over to the precinct anyway.
17:38I may write another editorial.
17:40About cheaters?
17:42No, about innocent victims.
17:46Uh, yeah.
17:49Uh...
18:05Hello.
18:06I was wondering how long you hold on to lost things
18:08before you give them back to the finder.
18:10Well, that depends on what it is.
18:12Some things we hold for three months.
18:14Three months?
18:15Yeah, things like bicycles.
18:16Oh, well, this isn't a bicycle.
18:17This is cash.
18:19Oh, that's different.
18:20Yeah?
18:21Cash we hold six months.
18:25Well, there goes my mother's coat.
18:27What?
18:28Well, you see, we were hoping we could use the money
18:30to buy my father a birthday gift,
18:32but we can't wait six months.
18:34Well, let's get some of the details.
18:37Now, how much was it, and who found it?
18:39$100, but my father turned it in a couple of days ago.
18:42Oh, that's different.
18:45What's his name?
18:46Lane, L-A-N-E.
18:48Martin Lane.
18:50Lane, Lane, Lane.
18:54I don't see it here.
18:55Oh, well, maybe he turned it in in another precinct.
18:58Wouldn't matter.
18:59This is a citywide lost and found list.
19:01Oh.
19:02Well, maybe he, uh...
19:04Maybe he turned it in anonymously,
19:06you know, like in a plain white envelope.
19:08In that case, we'd have a record of the $100
19:10having been turned in.
19:12Sergeant, my father said he turned in that money,
19:14and either your list is wrong or...
19:17Or what?
19:20Or I refuse to say anything on the grounds
19:22that it might incriminate me.
19:34Oh, hi, hon.
19:35Uh, say, where's Patty?
19:36Oh, she went downtown.
19:38What are you doing home?
19:39Well, I...
19:40Are you returning that?
19:42Um, yes.
19:43It's just not my color.
19:45I thought you were wild about blue.
19:47That was last year.
19:49Oh, I like it blue.
19:51Honey, my mind's made up.
19:53Well, you're not gonna take it back today.
19:55Well, I'm going to play bridge,
19:56and the store's right on the way.
19:58Nat, um...
20:00Say, listen, do you remember that money
20:01that Patty found a couple of days ago?
20:03Yeah.
20:04Well, I just got it back from the police department.
20:06Nobody claimed it.
20:09Is that right?
20:10Yeah, how about that?
20:14You really like me in blue?
20:16Oh, yeah.
20:18That's good enough for me.
20:23Since I'm, um, going to the bridge game anyway,
20:26I might just as well wear it.
20:29Why not?
20:31How does it look?
20:32For last season's color, not bad.
20:37What's that for?
20:38The police department.
20:44Oh, Mom, am I glad you're home.
20:46What are you doing with that coat on?
20:48I'll tell you about it later, dear.
20:49I've got to go now.
20:50Mom, you've got to put the tag back on,
20:51or they'll never take it back if you wear it.
20:53Oh, I'm sorry.
20:54I'm sorry.
20:55I'm sorry.
20:56I'm sorry.
20:57I'm sorry.
20:58I'm sorry.
20:59They'll never take it back if you wear it.
21:00Patty!
21:01I've got wonderful news for you, honey.
21:03Nobody claimed that money you found.
21:05It's yours.
21:07Mine?
21:08Yep, I just came from the precinct.
21:11Well, Patty, aren't you happy about getting the money back?
21:14Happy isn't the word for it, Papa.
21:17I'm overwhelmed.
21:25Hello?
21:26Oh, hi, Jim.
21:28No, not yet, but I think they're going to give it to me right now.
21:32Listen, thank you very much for giving me that gun case to go with it.
21:35That was very generous of you.
21:38Well, why don't you come over in about a half an hour,
21:40and you can see it then.
21:42Right.
21:43Okay.
21:44Goodbye.
21:46Papa?
21:47Yeah?
21:48Before you go back inside, I have something for you.
21:50Here.
21:55I know why you did all this, Papa.
21:58Why did you do?
21:59Because you're so anxious for me to have all the things I want.
22:02But honestly, Papa, those things don't mean as much to me as other things.
22:08Patty, what are you talking about?
22:11I, uh, went down to the police station yesterday,
22:14and they told me you didn't return that money.
22:18Oh.
22:20Well, Patty...
22:21No, you don't have to explain, Papa.
22:23I'm sure you had a very good reason for doing what you did.
22:26Now, Patty, I have to tell you...
22:28No, Papa.
22:30Um...
22:32This isn't much, but it's from me to you.
22:36Patty.
22:39Now, Patty, this is one time when a father insists on the right to explain.
22:50Papa, I'm so embarrassed.
22:52I didn't know it was your money.
22:56I don't know what to say.
22:59There's no need to say anything, honey.
23:02You just gave me the best birthday present I could wish for.
23:06A knife?
23:07That's not what I mean.
23:10You gave me the kind of a birthday present that every father longs for.
23:16You see, honey...
23:20Parents knock themselves out
23:22trying to raise their kids in a way that they think is right.
23:25Nobody has a secret formula.
23:27You do the best you can.
23:29You try by example, by teaching, by love.
23:34And then you just hope.
23:37You hope that one day all of those talks about right and wrong will sink in.
23:42But if one day your daughter trusts you
23:48the way you trusted me
23:50even though you thought I was doing wrong
23:54you get the greatest gift of all.
23:59Thank you, Patty.
24:05Happy birthday, Papa.
24:15That's pretty funny.
24:17What did Patty say when you explained that the money was really yours?
24:20Well, I'm not sure, but I think she was a little disappointed.
24:23Well, it must be a rude shock to discover that your father wouldn't steal for you.
24:28Hey, guess what she gave me.
24:29I'm afraid to.
24:33You mean?
24:34Yeah.
24:35Does it really have a knife, fork, spoon and leather punch?
24:38Oh, no, that's the deluxe model.
24:40That is a knife, fork, spoon and a pizza cutter.
24:51And from Zanzibar to Barclays Square
24:55But Patty's always seen as light
24:57A girl can see from the lights
24:59What a crazy pair
25:01But they're cousins
25:04Identical cousins
25:07And you'll find
25:09They laugh alike, they walk alike
25:11At times they even talk alike
25:13You can lose your mind
25:16When cousins
25:18Are two of a kind