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AmusantTranscription
00:00 (upbeat music)
00:02 (upbeat music)
00:05 (upbeat music)
00:09 (upbeat music)
00:14 (upbeat music)
00:18 (bell ringing)
00:22 (upbeat music)
00:31 (upbeat music)
00:33 - How was beauty school, Luann?
00:40 Oh, how did the big shampooing final go?
00:43 - Well, I passed leather, but I failed rinse.
00:46 And then I failed repeat too.
00:49 Because it includes rinse, which I don't think is very fair.
00:52 - Um, hi, Hank.
00:58 You forgot to flush.
01:00 - Didn't have to, didn't do anything.
01:03 - Oh.
01:04 I see.
01:06 How long has this been going on?
01:09 - There's nothing going on, Peg.
01:12 That's the problem.
01:14 - Well, how long have you had this problem?
01:16 - There is no problem, please.
01:18 This is not something we need to talk about.
01:21 - Well, if you do have a problem, I could--
01:23 - Peggy, please, for God's sakes.
01:26 I'm getting a bite.
01:28 Is there any chicken fried steak left?
01:30 (gentle music)
01:34 - Here.
01:48 - What's this?
01:49 - It's mega-musel.
01:50 I take 10 heaping teaspoons and a glass of water
01:53 every night to stay regular like--
01:54 - I don't wanna know that.
01:56 - Oh, come on, honey.
01:57 Look, it is gentle and all natural.
02:00 - No, no, no, stop, please.
02:02 This is my own private, personal, private business.
02:06 - At least drink the water.
02:07 If you drink enough water, it'll flush out your system--
02:10 - Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
02:13 - I'm willing to get a good drink.
02:15 - Hey, eggs and sausage, that looks good.
02:18 Peggy, where's my breakfast?
02:19 Hmm?
02:22 What are these?
02:24 - I baked muffins.
02:27 - So, good for you.
02:28 Where's my sausage?
02:30 - Well, we're out of sausage.
02:32 Hey, try a muffin there, old brand.
02:35 - Sure.
02:37 - You should eat those, Dad.
02:43 They help you make.
02:45 - Excuse me?
02:47 - Huh?
02:47 - What are you implying?
02:49 - Well, I thought you were const--
02:51 - Where would you get such an idea?
02:53 That's ridiculous.
02:54 Anyway, that's not something you should ever know
02:57 about your father.
02:58 - Well, it's pretty obvious.
03:00 You were in the bathroom for an hour last night.
03:02 - No, I wasn't.
03:04 - Okay, Dad.
03:06 - Give me that.
03:07 (dog whining)
03:12 What is it, Lady Bird?
03:13 You wanna go out, again?
03:17 (dog barking)
03:22 (sighs)
03:24 - Show off.
03:25 - Oh, Nancy, I'm worried about Hank.
03:29 He hasn't done his business in four days.
03:33 (gasps)
03:34 - Good Lord, poor Hank.
03:37 He looks so healthy.
03:39 But then, you know, so did Elvis Presley.
03:42 - Nancy, you don't think it's something serious?
03:45 - Well, I'm a meteorologist, not a doctor,
03:50 but if I had to make an educated guess,
03:52 I'd say he's got polio.
03:55 - Oh, all right, I'm not a meteorologist.
03:58 I'm a weather girl.
04:00 - So, Hank, what's this I hear about you being backed up?
04:04 - Nothing, what?
04:05 Who are you thinking about talking to?
04:08 It's not me, I'm fine.
04:10 - Well, that's not what I heard.
04:12 - Heard from who, Dale?
04:14 - How does Dale know?
04:16 - Nancy.
04:17 - Nancy knows, too?
04:18 Huh, who?
04:20 - That Peggy.
04:21 Why not just take the door off the bathroom
04:24 and put it out on the lawn?
04:25 - Oh, Hank, it happens to everyone now and then.
04:29 There's no reason to be embarrassed.
04:31 - Maybe I'm not the one who should be embarrassed.
04:34 Did you ever think of that?
04:36 Maybe you're going a little too much.
04:39 Once every four or five days gives me more free time.
04:44 You wanna spend all your time on the toilet, be my guest.
04:48 - Have you tried squatting?
04:50 It takes pressure off the lower body.
04:53 - You know, Hank, I find a ride on the lawnmower helps.
04:57 - Would you please stop talking about this?
05:01 - Hey, Hank, you know, I've been thinking about y'all
05:04 and your dang old bottom and all
05:05 what's gonna get moving again.
05:06 I think y'all ought to go jogging and swimming
05:08 in the water bunch, man.
05:09 It's gonna be bad having you pooping just like you used to,
05:11 man, I know it don't work.
05:13 - It helped my aunt after her pregnancy.
05:16 - I don't know you, do I?
05:18 - No, you don't.
05:19 - Would you all please leave me be?
05:22 This is no one's business, but my own.
05:24 - Okay, but I've got one that's guaranteed
05:33 to work for you, Hank.
05:34 You take a spoonful of bacon grease.
05:37 - I'm not eating bacon grease.
05:40 - You didn't let me finish.
05:41 - Simple chronic constipation can be a symptom
05:46 of a more serious condition.
05:48 I should know.
05:50 I'm former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.
05:53 - Why did you have to go tell Nancy
05:55 about my bathroom shortcomings?
05:58 - Food that is not absorbed becomes waste
06:01 and enters the pouch like secum.
06:03 - Who the hell is that, Howard Stern?
06:06 - Temperature is a pleasant 70 degrees.
06:11 And on a more personal note,
06:13 I want to wish my friend Hank Hill a quick recovery
06:16 for his embarrassing constipation.
06:18 - Duh!
06:19 Peggy, why'd you do this to me?
06:21 Now everybody knows.
06:23 - Oh, Hank, I was worried.
06:25 - So worry to yourself.
06:27 - Well, I'm tired of worrying to myself.
06:29 It's better to talk things out, Hank.
06:31 - Not these things, not toilet things.
06:35 - All right, Hank.
06:36 All right, if it makes you this upset,
06:38 I will just sit here silently alone with my worries.
06:42 - Finally.
06:43 (crickets chirping)
06:46 - Uh, I'll have some skirt steak, some brisket,
06:50 little piece of that New York steak,
06:53 a couple of them steak fingers, and a burger.
06:56 - Oh, Hank, please have just one veggie.
06:58 - Oh, all right.
07:00 Put some macaroni and cheese on there, too.
07:02 - Mm.
07:11 (footsteps)
07:14 - Ooh, chocolate sauce.
07:16 Can I have some?
07:17 - No, uh-uh, Bobby.
07:19 This isn't ordinary chocolate.
07:21 It is laxative for your father.
07:23 - Oh.
07:24 - Where'd you find this chocolate sauce, Peg?
07:29 It sure is good.
07:30 Here, Bobby, try some.
07:32 - Okay, I thought you'd never ask.
07:34 - Bobby, Bobby, you know what that is.
07:38 - So?
07:40 - What is it?
07:40 - Laxative.
07:41 (sucking)
07:42 (coughing)
07:44 - You're trying to drug me?
07:46 Good God, that's going too far.
07:48 - Well, you won't talk to me about it.
07:51 Now, what if it really is something serious,
07:53 like polyps or worse?
07:55 You should see a doctor.
07:56 - Uh, stop making such a big deal out of it.
08:00 I just can't go to the bathroom.
08:02 (footsteps)
08:05 (sighing)
08:07 (crying)
08:10 - Oh, that was me.
08:15 (crying)
08:17 - He looks like an angel.
08:21 A dead angel.
08:24 - Oh, my, there ain't no dead angel.
08:27 Why, why?
08:28 - It should have been Bill.
08:31 (crying)
08:32 - Oh, Hank.
08:34 We never got a chance to talk about your constipation,
08:37 and now we never will.
08:40 - Remember, early detection is the key.
08:44 Now pass in your Algebra homework.
08:46 (sighing)
08:51 - Goodbye, boy.
08:54 See you in hell.
08:56 (splashing)
08:58 (screaming)
09:02 (groaning)
09:04 (thudding)
09:05 (screaming)
09:06 - Uh, occupied.
09:08 - Uh, Hank, you're alive.
09:10 - Close the damn door.
09:12 Can't you see I'm in here, Peg?
09:14 Don't, no, don't touch me.
09:16 I'm on the john.
09:17 Get out of here.
09:18 - Oh, Hank, I was so scared.
09:20 I dreamed you died.
09:22 You didn't see a doctor.
09:24 You didn't listen to Coop.
09:25 - Peggy, you're not supposed to see this.
09:28 - Listen, honey, I love you.
09:31 Please don't die on me.
09:32 - I love you too, but oh, geez.
09:35 All right, I'll see a doctor
09:37 if you just get out and leave me be.
09:39 - You will?
09:42 Oh, Hank.
09:43 Oh, that's wonderful.
09:45 - Yeah, well, come on, get a move on.
09:48 - Thank you.
09:50 - Get.
09:51 (upbeat music)
09:56 - And what exactly are you seeing Dr. Marley about today?
10:01 - Well, I've been, or actually I haven't been.
10:07 - Sir, you're going to have to speak up.
10:09 - I need to see him about a problem with--
10:14 - Sir, just fill this out and have a seat.
10:16 (sputtering)
10:23 (siren blaring)
10:25 - Bob, put that down.
10:26 You do not know where it's been, honey.
10:28 - Come on, I'm trying to fill this thing out.
10:31 - Hanky?
10:38 - Mrs. McIntosh?
10:40 - Hank Hill.
10:41 Is this your family?
10:44 I was your father's third grade teacher.
10:48 - Oh?
10:49 - Why are you here, Hanky?
10:51 This is an old person's doctor.
10:53 - Well, Hank hasn't been able to take it.
10:55 - Walk.
10:56 I threw my knee out playing touch football.
10:59 - Mr. Hill, I'm sorry, sir.
11:01 I cannot read this.
11:02 What does it say?
11:03 Con, contact, con take, con what?
11:06 - So how are we doing today?
11:12 I'm Dr. Marley.
11:14 Let's see, so you're suffering from consumption.
11:18 - Constipation.
11:19 - Oh, constipation.
11:21 Well, that's quite a different matter.
11:24 How long has it been since your last bowel movement?
11:27 - Well, I usually don't keep track of that kind of thing, but-
11:31 - Five days, and Hank's usual schedule is every two days.
11:35 Of course, when we were first married, he'd go every day.
11:39 But then I spoke to his mother
11:41 and she said the most interesting thing.
11:42 She said when he was a teenager,
11:44 he would be in that bathroom three or four times a day-
11:47 - Peggy!
11:48 - Please, Mr. Hill, this is helpful.
11:51 Now, your wife is obviously concerned
11:53 and if she's concerned, I'm concerned.
11:57 I think we'll do a sigmoidoscopy.
11:59 Say, honey, aren't you glad we're here?
12:04 - Hi, Mr. Hill, why don't you go ahead
12:07 and take off your pants for me, okay?
12:09 - Why are you stopping?
12:22 - Well, no sense in doing this now.
12:24 I'll just wait until the doctor comes back.
12:27 - Sir, you're gonna need to take your pants off for Dr. Morley.
12:31 - Oh, okay.
12:34 Why, look at that, Peg.
12:42 Cotton balls.
12:45 White ones.
12:50 Whole jar of 'em.
12:52 How many do you think there are in there?
12:56 I'll bet 30.
12:59 Yep.
13:02 30.
13:05 - Okay, Mr. Hill, why don't you hop on the table
13:13 and undo the back of your gown
13:14 and we'll have a look at you.
13:16 - You got all these fancy machines.
13:18 Can't you take a picture through the gown?
13:21 - It's normal to be a little frightened, Mr. Hill.
13:24 Just turn your face to the wall.
13:25 - Oh, you want me to get that?
13:28 - No.
13:29 - Mr. Hill.
13:31 - Mr. Hill, this is Tasha.
13:33 She's a medical student.
13:34 Would it be all right with you
13:35 if she observes the examination?
13:37 - Uh, well, I guess.
13:47 - We made it, honey.
13:48 Quick, sixth floor maternity.
13:50 - Mr. Hill, this is a special camera
14:04 that we use to get an inside view of your colon.
14:07 - Just kill me now.
14:09 - Mr. Hill, do you wish a bite plate?
14:12 - Mom, I'm hungry.
14:14 Whoa!
14:15 Dad, what are they doing to you?
14:18 - Bobby, get out of here.
14:19 - No, Mr. Hill.
14:21 When a family faces an illness,
14:22 all members should be involved.
14:24 Remember, they're your get well team.
14:27 Hey there, Ace.
14:29 Do you like video games?
14:30 - Yeah.
14:31 - Well, this joystick is just like a video game joystick.
14:34 Only my red button fires a real laser.
14:37 - Cool.
14:37 - Bobby.
14:42 - Say, you're good.
14:44 Maybe you could help us out a little later.
14:47 Just kidding, Mr. Hill.
14:49 Mr. Hill, it doesn't hurt to smile.
14:52 It might actually help.
14:54 Tasha, you can begin.
14:56 So far, this looks normal.
15:03 - Normal?
15:04 Uh, that's good, right?
15:06 - Now, this is exciting.
15:08 There are so many twists and turns.
15:10 I can't wait to see what's around the next bend.
15:13 - The colon has to twist and turn
15:14 because it's surprisingly long.
15:16 You know, Bobby,
15:18 if I were to take your grandfather's intestine--
15:20 - I'm his father.
15:22 - Your father's intestine and lay it out in a straight line,
15:25 it would go all the way around the earth.
15:28 - Wow.
15:29 Really?
15:30 - Mm-hmm.
15:31 - Well, that is amazing, doctor.
15:33 You know, I did not know that.
15:35 - Now, how could that be?
15:36 The earth is 25,000 miles around.
15:40 A piece of steak would have to shoot through your system
15:43 faster than the speed of sound.
15:45 That's impossible.
15:47 - Well, Mr. Hill,
15:48 there's certainly nothing going through
15:50 your intestines that fast.
15:52 (laughs)
15:53 - Hey, I like this.
15:54 Can I be a proctologist when I grow up?
15:57 - Um, Mr. Hill,
16:00 I'm gonna have to ask you to relax your buttocks
16:02 for me, please.
16:03 (gentle music)
16:06 - How are you holding up, Mrs. Hill?
16:13 - I'm okay.
16:15 I'm just a little uncomfortable
16:16 from sitting here for so long.
16:18 - Okay, let's take a five minute break.
16:23 Well, Mr. Hill,
16:30 we're not exactly sure what's causing your problem.
16:34 So at this point,
16:35 the best option might be to remove something surgically.
16:37 - Oh.
16:38 - I'm sorry,
16:39 but apparently your low-fat, high-fiber diet
16:42 is not working.
16:42 - Well, maybe Hank just needs to give
16:44 his low-fat, high-fiber diet a little more time.
16:48 Isn't that right, Hank?
16:49 - Yes, yes, all right.
16:52 - Just to be safe,
16:53 I'll book an operating room for the end of the week.
16:55 - Oh, God.
16:57 - Don't worry.
16:58 You know, it's possible to live a long,
17:00 healthy, slightly less active life without a colon.
17:03 (Hank sighs)
17:04 You just can't wear shorts.
17:06 - Not dogs.
17:15 Now, what are these, hot dogs?
17:16 - No, they're not dogs.
17:19 They're made of tofu.
17:21 - Tofu?
17:22 I can't eat that crap.
17:23 - Then try this fo-fu.
17:25 It's a tofu substitute for the tofu intolerant.
17:29 - Mm-hmm.
17:29 - Would that be good for a man who's constipated?
17:32 - Peggy.
17:33 - Well, I didn't say it was you.
17:34 - Is this for your husband?
17:36 - Yes.
17:37 And we will also take a quarter of your brown rice broth.
17:40 - Do you have anything that tastes good?
17:42 - Hmm.
17:44 Uh, no.
17:47 - Ooh, look at this, Uncle Hank.
17:49 Experience Muxbustion with Mr. Lee,
17:53 board-certified Muxbustionist.
17:56 Relieves stress and opens the energy channels.
18:00 - What the hell is that?
18:02 - He sticks needles in your skin and sets them on fire.
18:05 - Anyone ever try that on me, I'll kick his ass.
18:08 No, watch out behind you, no!
18:12 Oh, God, Gatorade all down his back.
18:15 - Hank, it's two o'clock, bathroom time.
18:19 - Peg, can I just--
18:20 - Bathroom time.
18:21 - All right.
18:26 - Hi there, Peggy.
18:27 We were wondering if Hank could come out
18:29 and help us with my fence.
18:31 - Oh, I'm sorry, Dale.
18:33 Hank is having his bathroom time.
18:35 Maybe later.
18:36 (upbeat music)
18:40 (upbeat music)
18:42 (upbeat music)
18:45 (upbeat music)
18:49 (upbeat music)
19:06 (upbeat music)
19:08 (Hank grunts)
19:15 (upbeat music)
19:18 - Well, thank you all for coming.
19:23 I thought it would help cheer Hank up
19:25 to have all of his friends here.
19:27 I think he's making a lot of progress.
19:30 Oh, where are you going, Hank?
19:32 - To the bathroom.
19:33 - Now just try to relax, Hank, and concentrate.
19:36 - This could be it.
19:37 - Come on!
19:41 Will you hurry up?
19:42 - Peggy, please.
19:43 - Come on, Hank.
19:47 (Hank sighs)
19:51 (upbeat music)
19:54 (upbeat music)
19:57 - See, what I'm saying is salad
20:18 don't always have to have salad in it.
20:21 See, there's potato salad.
20:22 And now, ooh.
20:23 - I'm sorry, Peg, I let you down.
20:29 Let you all down.
20:30 - Don't you worry, Hank.
20:32 We still have 24 hours before your appointment.
20:35 And, Hank, we're gonna make the most of it.
20:37 (upbeat music)
20:40 (Hank grunts)
20:45 (upbeat music)
20:48 (upbeat music)
20:50 - You know, Hank seems a little down.
21:13 - Well, he's a shell of a man.
21:15 I never thought Hank would have the willpower
21:17 to give up everything he enjoyed in life.
21:19 - Well, that's not Hank.
21:21 That's me.
21:22 I mean, if it was up to him,
21:23 he'd still be eating burgers in the backyard
21:25 with Dale, Bill, and Boomhower.
21:27 He'd still be drinking beer and shouting at the TV set
21:32 and having a lot of fun and...
21:34 (upbeat music)
21:38 (Hank coughs)
21:43 Wait here.
21:46 - So?
21:47 - So what?
21:48 - Well, I heard a...
21:50 I mean, I wasn't listening, but I did hear a...
21:53 - Oh, that was my glasses.
21:55 Look, honey, we gotta talk.
22:00 I know you wanna help, but this is getting out of control.
22:04 You can't treat a grown man like a baby.
22:07 It ain't right.
22:08 I feel like I've been trying to be someone else lately,
22:12 eating food I don't eat,
22:15 and I'm just not gonna do it anymore.
22:17 And if I don't ever poop again,
22:19 well, that's just gonna be who I am.
22:22 I'd rather die with a burger in my colon
22:25 than live and eat faux-foo.
22:28 - Hank, I know, and it's okay, you're right.
22:32 - What?
22:33 - Well, I'm only doing this
22:34 because I want you to be around as long as possible
22:37 because I love you.
22:40 But I have to let you be you.
22:43 - Oh, thank you.
22:46 I'll still be here for a good long while.
22:48 - I worry.
22:49 - I know you do.
22:51 - That you could.
22:52 - I know, honey, and I'm a lucky son of a gun,
22:56 I tell you what.
22:57 To have a woman like you care so much about me,
23:01 I'm gonna be more open, tell you how I'm doing more,
23:06 and let you in.
23:07 - Yeah, I just want this moment to last forever, Hank.
23:12 - Me too, but it can't.
23:16 - Oh, hold me, Hank.
23:18 - No, no, let go, let go.
23:21 (door slams)
23:24 (door slams)
23:27 (soft music)
23:30 (dramatic music)
23:40 (singing in foreign language)
23:44 - You might have noticed in tonight's episode,
24:04 there was some brief nudity.
24:06 Now, as an actor, I only do nudity
24:10 when I feel the script warrants it.
24:12 And I thought tonight's episode
24:15 only warranted seeing the side of my rump.
24:18 You can believe me when I tell you
24:20 the Fox executives were pushing for a whole lot more.
24:25 If any of you were offended by my body, I'm truly sorry.
24:30 Good night.
24:31 (engine revving)