Category
😹
AmusantTranscription
00:00 Yep. Yep.
00:03 Mm-hmm.
00:05 See? I told you it wasn't me going through your garbage, see? Deer!
00:12 I guess we owe you an apology. And I guess those were probably deer droppings, too.
00:19 Probably.
00:21 Those deer infiltrate in the human quadrant. They've replaced fire ants as the number one ex-urban pest.
00:28 If everything I know about exterminating is true, which it is, we gotta find the queen deer and take her out.
00:36 Queen deer. I'll bet she's beautiful.
00:40 And the best part is, Joseph's finally old enough to come.
00:44 Yep, I'm taking my boy on his first hunt, the same way my dad took me 25 years ago.
00:55 We're not just killing a deer. We're killing Joseph's childhood.
01:01 You! I am photographically memorizing your face.
01:05 Huh, look at that. He's staring right back at you.
01:09 Gah!
01:12 [crash]
01:15 [music]
01:17 [music]
01:19 [music]
01:47 Okay, Hank, you can borrow my Tacstar laser sight.
01:51 It's Bobby's first hunt, so he'll need the Russian night vision goggles.
01:56 My Joseph's got the bionic ear booster, and I'll be in charge of the good stuff.
02:02 Deer wee wee. Super premium estrus deer wee wee. Little dab'll do ya.
02:09 This is crazy. People used to go hunting, and all they'd need was an orange shirt and a six-pack.
02:15 Times have changed, Hank. But you'd know all this if you were a hunter.
02:20 For the love of God, man, you go to church more than you go hunting. You should be ashamed.
02:26 [laughter]
02:27 I'm not ashamed. And I'm glad there's people out there thinning the herd.
02:32 But if I want to get sloppy drunk and shoot off guns with a bunch of guys, I'll go to my dad's Oscar party.
02:39 Hank, a hunting trip's not just about getting drunk or shooting deer. It's about getting out in the woods, away from the government,
02:47 where your paper money's useless unless you run out of leaves, where a man can let down his guard and share his biggest fears.
02:57 Dale, you with your guard down is my biggest fear.
03:01 My biggest fear is that little pointy... well, I'll save it for the trip.
03:07 You mean the Beatles?
03:08 Man, shut up! I was saving that for the trip.
03:11 Don't think of it as a rifle. Think of it as a part of your body that fires bullets.
03:18 When the time comes, you think you'll be able to, you know, pull the trigger?
03:24 Oh, yeah. I don't want to be the only kid around who doesn't kill a deer.
03:29 You could get a loser nickname, like... I don't know...
03:33 Pork Pockets?
03:35 More about not killing deer, but... yeah.
03:39 But we don't have to worry, 'cause we'll be hunting with our dads. A team.
03:45 Mom!
04:04 Mom!
04:05 Mom!
04:08 Go get 'em, Bobby.
04:10 No. We're a team.
04:29 Bobby, I just want to say that you are perfect. And a man.
04:34 I don't mean to brag. Especially about something that hasn't actually happened yet.
04:43 What's with the bandages? Loanne fixing to give you another haircut?
04:48 This is for you and Bobby to take on your hunting trip.
04:52 You'll be ready for cuts, sprains, and I even put in a needle and thread
04:56 to sew your ear back on after Bobby talks it off.
04:59 Yeah. We'll be gossiping like schoolgirls.
05:05 And I made a little hunting permit case out of a freezer bag.
05:09 Give me your permit and I'll stick it in.
05:11 Well, uh, I haven't really got the permit yet.
05:14 You didn't buy the permit yet? Hank, what is wrong with you?
05:18 Nothing. Uh, that reminds me, did you get the batteries for Bobby's Game Boy?
05:23 And did you pack his backup Game Boy?
05:26 Bobby's not bringing toys on this trip.
05:29 And when was the last time he had two whole days to spend just talking with his father?
05:34 I spend lots of time with Bobby. He's there when I eat, he's there when I watch TV.
05:40 I've thrown countless balls at him in the backyard.
05:43 Hank, you're scared of being alone with him.
05:47 I am not.
05:49 You are scared of your own son.
05:52 Maybe I am. So what? I don't get him sometimes.
05:56 The things that come out of his mouth, and he's almost a teenager, so it's just gonna get worse.
06:00 And I don't know what we're gonna talk about for two days, and...
06:04 Hell yes, I'm scared!
06:06 This is an important milestone on Bobby's road to becoming a successful adult.
06:11 One of the big three.
06:13 Age 12, first hunt.
06:15 Age 16, learns to drive.
06:17 Age 18, finally turns 18.
06:20 Give him this milestone, Hank, so he can move on to the next and the next and eventually move out of the house.
06:26 And then you won't have to talk to him at all.
06:29 All right, fine. I'll get the permit, Bobby'll kill the deer, and everyone will live happily ever after.
06:36 Bobby, what are you doing in the master bedroom?
06:45 The truck's all packed, breakfast is cooked, and here's your robe, towel, and toothbrush.
06:52 I'm a traveling man, made a lot of stops, all over the world.
06:58 And in every port, I own the heart of at least one...
07:05 Uh, hello, son. What are you doing?
07:09 Watching.
07:11 Ah.
07:12 What does a razor smell like? I bet it smells really good, like metal.
07:17 Yeah, uh, okay.
07:21 Why don't you wait in the kitchen, Bobby? I can't shave and talk at the same time.
07:26 That's okay. We don't have to talk.
07:29 Hmm, your boy's first buck.
07:37 I remember my first buck. Took me six shots to bring him down.
07:41 Three more to finish him off. There was no usable meat left, but what a thrill.
07:47 Oh, Shug, you're taking away my boy, and you're gonna bring him home, my man.
07:54 And how long is that gonna take?
07:57 Exactly.
07:58 Sorry, babe. You'll have to do without the big D for at least two nights.
08:09 Dale?
08:10 John Redcorn. You brought back that tea bag I lent ya?
08:14 No. I have something for Joseph.
08:16 Your first hunting trip is a sacred occasion.
08:19 The deer you kill will be your relative.
08:22 You must show your respect for him and all the deer people.
08:26 First by giving thanks. Then, by using every part of his body.
08:31 No prob. We're taking old Mr. Buck right to the rendering plant for sausageification.
08:37 This hunting knife was given to me by my father, and to him by his father.
08:43 Now, I pass it along to you.
08:46 A used knife. Um, cool. Thanks.
08:52 Let me hug my child one last time.
08:55 Oh, my big boy, about to become my little man.
09:00 Honey, I filled your rifle bag with fruit pies. Your rifle is in your sleeping bag.
09:05 Thanks, Mom. I mean, Peggy.
09:09 Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
09:12 Just a second. There's one last errand I need to run.
09:15 What do you need? Mac and Axe? Got you covered.
09:18 Nah, I just need to hop on over to the county office and pick up a couple of hunting permits.
09:24 Don't worry. I'll be right back.
09:26 Can I help you?
09:31 Yeah, I'm taking my boy hunting, so I need a couple of permits.
09:35 Oh, and one of those "Don't Mess With Texas" bumper stickers.
09:39 No more deer permits this year.
09:41 Well, why not? They haven't all been shot. I caught one picking through my garbage like this was New York City.
09:48 I know. They're a real nuisance. They're eating everything in sight.
09:51 Well, of course. There's too many deer, not enough food. Issue more permits, or they'll all starve.
09:57 Yeah, sorry. We had to limit it to 400 this year. It was the only way we could get the environmentalists off their hunger strike.
10:03 So you're telling me my boy can't go hunting because you wouldn't let a couple of twig boys starve?
10:10 Forget number six. You're now serving nonsense.
10:14 Good luck on your hunting trip, Bobby.
10:21 Thanks. Just so you know, I'm leaving a boy. I'm coming back a man.
10:28 You're lucky. I'm leaving a girl and coming back a man.
10:32 Hey, Conjunior, I'm in the car. You ride shotgun.
10:36 Oh, and don't forget raisin bagels. They're in my briefcase.
10:40 All right, everyone, let's go. Uh, guys, why don't you go on ahead. Bobby, hop in.
10:48 Bobby, uh, there's something I want to tell you.
10:57 No, me first. I know I'm about to be a man, Dad.
11:02 So I wanted to take this last chance to tell you how much I love you.
11:09 You might want to take this last chance to cry, too, because we're not going.
11:17 You see that he's already practicing up for next season.
11:33 I tell you what, Peggy, with this extra year under his belt, he's not only going to be a man.
11:38 He's going to be a Superman. How do you like that? Our son, a Superman.
11:46 You have no clue, do you? Would you look at him?
11:51 He's at the age where little boy hormones get violent.
11:54 They don't call them nice, quiet, well-behaved hormones. They're raging, Hank.
11:59 He has a chemical need to kill. I was counting on you to channel that need away from humans.
12:07 (gun cocks)
12:09 Hi-ya!
12:17 I'll be locking my bedroom door tonight, so please be in by ten.
12:26 Red Dog One, this is Red Dog Three. Do you copy? Over.
12:30 Ten-four, Red Dog Three.
12:33 (screams)
12:35 Damn inferior Soviet surplus merchandise. Never does what it's supposed to.
12:41 Or maybe it's doing exactly what it's supposed to do.
12:46 Maybe it just bounced a signal off a satellite to an attack sub in the Gulf of Mexico whose mission is to read our brainwaves.
12:55 That's my boy. I was about to say precisely the same thing.
13:01 'Cept the sub's in Lake Superior.
13:05 What are you doing, Bobby?
13:07 Nothing.
13:10 There's a spider in the kitchen. Would you like to come kill it?
13:14 No, thanks.
13:17 Okay, then.
13:20 (yawns)
13:24 (snores)
13:25 Hank. Hank, wake up.
13:27 I just want to tell you that I'm learning more about how you destroyed Bobby's life.
13:31 I searched through my old social studies files and look what I found.
13:36 In a tribe in Papua New Guinea, a boy who misses out on a rite of passage, in their case, killing a missionary, remains a boy forever.
13:47 He will never become a man.
13:50 This is a report by a seventh grader, and it only got a C.
13:55 I have backup. Look at this fourth grade word find about the Huron Indians' rites of passage.
14:02 Madness?
14:03 When a little Huron Indian boy wants to achieve manhood, but he fails to kill an elk, he will get physically ill and then go stark raving mad.
14:13 Well, I did see Bobby talking to the Mrs. Butterworth bottle, but I didn't think it was strange at the time.
14:22 Hey, uh, Hank, could you give me a hand carrying this out to my SUV?
14:27 Eustace? I've never seen you in here before.
14:31 Finally decided to make the switch to propane, huh?
14:35 You know, I think you'll find it's the perfect choice for all your eating--
14:39 Ah, thanks, Louise Passive Solar.
14:41 No, the propane's for cooking Randy's deer. Once he kills it, of course.
14:45 What? You're gonna take that son of yours hunting?
14:50 Oh, I've got to. It's a rite of passage. At least that's the feeling of my men's group. That's why I'm not taking any chances.
14:57 La Grunta. The La Grunta Hotel and Resort does a hunt every year.
15:02 They take care of everything. Guns, permits, apres hunt wine tasting.
15:07 Permits? Cushioned shooting stands, heated blinds with automatic corn feeders.
15:14 Well, that's not hunting. That's shooting fish in a barrel.
15:17 Oh, they have that too.
15:20 You wanna ride bikes with me?
15:35 Okay.
15:37 Which brings us to the Trilateral Commission. Ironically named because there's actually four--
15:44 Dad, I think I hear a deer.
15:48 I'd better go have a look.
15:51 Set.
16:04 Woo-hoo!
16:06 Yeah!
16:08 Nice throw, Dad.
16:11 Nice shot, son.
16:13 We make a great team, don't we?
16:15 Yep. The gribble doesn't fall far from the tree.
16:20 Bobby! Bobby, stop playing dead. Get up before someone sees you.
16:35 Was that Dad? Is that you? Everything's so dim.
16:42 Bobby, get up.
16:44 I'm not gonna make it.
16:46 You're not injured.
16:47 The gold is buried.
16:50 It's buried.
16:55 Stand up.
16:59 Hey, Bobby, look what I got.
17:02 Yee-haw!
17:04 I got shot in the hold-up.
17:06 What?
17:07 It's fine, Connie. He had an allergic reaction to a fruit pie. That's all.
17:13 Hell yeah. Look at that beaut. How about this kid, Hank?
17:20 Excuse me. How about this man?
17:23 Look at me. Everybody's got a deer and I don't.
17:30 Everything looks so Christmassy.
17:36 Now I know how the Jewish kids feel.
17:42 Bobby, how'd you like to trade in that cowboy costume for a hunting permit?
17:49 What? Do you mean it? You got a permit?
17:53 I got better than a permit. I got la grunta.
18:00 (HONKING)
18:04 This is fancy. Where do the deer stay?
18:09 They don't keep the deer in the hotel. God, I hope they don't.
18:15 Hi, I'm Beverly La Grunta. No relation. Can I help you?
18:20 Uh, we're here to deer hunt.
18:23 Wonderful. The shuttle leaves in a half an hour. It's $400 for two. Will that be cash or credit?
18:29 $400? Hey, Bobby, look at all this other stuff.
18:36 We could golf or swim with a dolphin.
18:39 Can I hunt it?
18:41 It doesn't say. Hey, here you go. Museum of Miniatures. $40 and worth every penny if you ask me.
18:52 Don't get upset now. I was just testing you. You passed.
18:59 Hey, Bobby. Look at my deer.
19:07 He shot it all by himself. They wrapped it at the gift shop.
19:12 (MUSIC)
19:16 It's beautiful.
19:30 Boy, you said it. Now, careful when you walk. Deer can hear the rhythmic pattern of human footsteps.
19:37 Gotcha.
19:40 (MUSIC)
19:43 Now, there's an open stand in pasture two with your name on it. That'd be hill, right?
19:50 I will never forget this moment, Dad. It's the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
19:57 When I'm a man, do I still get my allowance or do I get up to minimum wage?
20:04 Well, son, now that you're gonna be a man, you're gonna have more responsibilities, and maybe you do deserve a little more each week.
20:13 Yep.
20:16 Yep.
20:18 (MUSIC)
20:29 I think I'm gonna shoot the one on the left. What do you think, Dad?
20:34 Uh, I don't think you have to whisper anymore, Bobby.
20:39 (MUSIC)
20:42 Squeeze. Don't pull.
20:47 (MUSIC)
20:50 This isn't right, is it, Dad?
20:57 No, it isn't, son.
21:00 I'm sorry, Bobby. I guess I really let you down, didn't I?
21:08 It's okay. I know you didn't mean for it to be this horrible.
21:13 You know, there's plenty of worse things than getting to hold on to your boyhood for a whole other year.
21:19 And, uh, by holding on to your boyhood, I don't mean, uh...
21:24 Dad, I know. Look at it this way.
21:28 This gives me an extra year to learn from the man I'd most like to be like when I finally become a man.
21:37 (SIGHS) Damn it, Bobby, this just ain't right.
21:42 You're 12 years old. You're a good son. You deserve better than this.
21:48 I'm gonna skip you ahead one whole milestone. I'm gonna let you drive my truck.
21:54 What?
21:55 You heard me. Well, come on, grab some wheels.
21:59 I don't believe it. I'm in your seat.
22:03 Believe it, Bobby. It's real, and it's really happening.
22:07 Now, you gotta reach the pedals.
22:10 And now we'll fix your mirror.
22:16 Okay, starter up.
22:18 Now, that's the gear shift, and that's the brake, and...
22:22 Well, you've seen the movies. You know how it works. Let's go.
22:26 Keep it steady. That's good.
22:40 This is so cool. I'm driving the hell out of this truck, aren't I, Dad?
22:47 (CHUCKLES) You sure are, son. You sure are.
22:51 (SCREAMS)
22:54 Ah, brakes!
22:56 Oh, no. I hit a deer with your truck. Oh, God!
23:05 Yeah. Yeah, you did.
23:09 And, uh, it's a good, clean kill. Yep. A good kill.
23:15 Oh, they're home.
23:21 You should have seen it, Peggy. It came out of the woods and charged right at us.
23:26 But Bobby took care of it, no problem.
23:29 Didn't you, boy? I mean, man.
23:35 Oh, my son. My big, strong, normal son.
23:41 Nice going, Bobby. Would you look at the rack on that thing?
23:46 There's your sausage parts right there.
23:49 Nice going, Bobby. Way to go, Bobby. Yeah.
23:53 I couldn't have done it without my dad. Yep.
23:59 (METAL CLANGS)
24:01 (METAL CREAKS)
24:03 (METAL CREAKS)
24:05 (METAL CREAKS)
24:07 (METAL CLANGS)
24:10 (DOG BARKING)
24:21 (DOG BARKING)
24:27 (DOOR SLAMS)
24:29 (MIMICS CAR ENGINE)
24:31 (GASPS)
24:43 (GASPS)
24:46 Oh.
24:49 Oh, no.