King Of The Hill Season 4 Episode 19 Hank's Bad Hair Day
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00 [Music]
00:02 [Music]
00:04 [Montage Music]
00:07 [Montage Music]
00:09 [Montage Music]
00:11 [Montage Music]
00:13 [Montage Music]
00:15 [Montage Music]
00:17 [Montage Music]
00:19 [Montage Music]
00:21 [Montage Music]
00:23 [Montage Music]
00:25 [Montage Music]
00:27 [Montage Music]
00:29 [Montage Music]
00:31 [Montage Music]
00:33 [Montage Music]
00:35 Who's getting chocolate milk if he sits still?
00:37 I'm getting chocolate milk if I sit still.
00:42 Uh, hey Bobby, how'd you like to come to the barber shop with me tomorrow?
00:48 I don't think it's up to you, Hank. Or you, Bobby.
00:53 Peggy, you've put in twelve great years cutting Bobby's hair, and he's been very good about it.
01:00 But Bobby's a big boy now, and I think he can handle seeing those copies of Esquire Jack has lying around.
01:07 I get to go to Jack?
01:09 Bobby, you start going to him now, maybe in a couple of years you can call him Jack.
01:14 You can help me pick out my new haircut, Mom. We'll talk about it over chocolate milk.
01:21 Chocolate milk? Oh no, you're much too big a boy for chocolate milk.
01:26 [Montage Music]
01:34 Hey Jack.
01:35 So, what'll it be? The Roger Starback or the Rookie Roger Starback?
01:40 Well, the Strickland Propane Christmas card photo is coming up, and it's important that my customers recognize me.
01:47 So I think I'll just have the same haircut I've gotten every two weeks for the past twenty years.
01:54 Is that the Starback or the Rookie Starback?
01:57 Uh, the Starback.
01:59 I can't do that! I don't have a stapler!
02:04 I mean the... the thing you use. Takes off the hair.
02:10 Uh, you know what, Jack? I'll just take a rain check.
02:14 No problem. Give my best to Marcy.
02:17 [Doorbell]
02:23 [Humming]
02:30 Well, how's it look, Annie?
02:34 Uh, fine. Everything's fine.
02:37 Hop on up, little bunny.
02:39 Uh, that's okay. I just remembered I'm growing my hair out to a modified Troy Aikman.
02:45 Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Come on, let's go, Bobby.
02:50 You're so fast. You sat nice and still.
02:53 Here you go.
02:55 I'll, uh, save it for later, how about?
02:57 Start licking!
03:01 [Music]
03:05 Here's a picture of you with normal hair mowing your lawn three months ago.
03:10 And here is a download of you at the post office minutes ago.
03:15 The guy in the beard pointing and laughing at your head, that's me!
03:20 Well, no one else is laughing.
03:23 Hey, Hank, what'd you do to your hair?
03:26 It's a nightmare, isn't it?
03:27 Oh, my, yes. He feathered in the back where he usually tapers.
03:32 I find it unsubtle, but it's a way to go. Used to see it more.
03:36 Claude Eakins, Ross Martin, Robert Stack, James MacArthur on the third season of Five-O.
03:42 That's not what I asked for at all.
03:45 Of course I am a trained army barber.
03:48 Ah, well, this was on a need-to-know basis, but...
03:52 Word is that Jack is losing it.
03:55 Heard he was arrested for running naked with a straight razor and a barber pole.
03:59 Hank, I have been very respectful of your relationship with Jack over the years,
04:04 but if you're ditching him, give me a little time.
04:06 I believe I can put together over 20,000 references.
04:09 I'm not leaving Jack. Jack's the only barber I've ever had.
04:13 He saved me from my father's haircuts.
04:16 45 seconds. New record.
04:22 I think he cut my ear.
04:24 I think you cry more than that guy I killed out from under that helmet.
04:28 So Jack had a bad day. Maybe somebody smooth-talked him out of his pension or something.
04:34 Oh, well, I guess that explains the feathering.
04:38 Doesn't excuse it.
04:40 Have a seat, Hank. My 9 o'clock, 10 o'clock, and 11 o'clock cancelled.
04:48 Uh, Jack, this is tough to say.
04:53 I'm not the kind of person who would ask for any special treatment,
04:57 and I still consider you a friend, but I'm not completely satisfied with my haircut.
05:04 I'm gonna have to ask you for a free touch-up.
05:07 You son of a bitch!
05:09 Slow down, Jack.
05:10 You tipped me two dollars!
05:12 That tip was a lie.
05:15 I'm sorry, Hank. It's been a tough few weeks.
05:19 I'm just lucky everyone was wearing seatbelts.
05:22 Hop on up, pal.
05:25 Now take off your shirt.
05:27 What?
05:28 You're going back into work, aren't you?
05:30 Lunchtime haircut, you take off your shirt.
05:52 Mmm, mm-hmm. Yeah.
05:57 Got it. Wait right here.
05:59 Madre de Dios.
06:13 You said it, honey.
06:15 It's okay, everybody.
06:17 It's me, Hank Hill, assistant manager.
06:20 Continue with your business as if everything were normal.
06:24 I'll be working with my door closed for obvious reasons.
06:29 Hey, who's got their door closed?
06:31 What's going on in there?
06:33 Good God, Hank.
06:35 You look like that fella killed the other fella.
06:38 Sir, I don't like to point fingers, but my barber is...
06:42 Well, I did ask for a free touch-up.
06:46 No, no, he's out.
06:48 I still can't pay you for today.
06:50 Now take the afternoon off and turn your hair back to a boy's color.
06:54 Have a seat, Hank. I'll be with you as soon as I'm done with this gentleman.
07:06 Uh, Jack?
07:08 Uh, I couldn't do this over the phone.
07:12 Uh, Jack, we've had a great 25 years, but...
07:17 You don't have to say it, Hank.
07:19 I'm getting out of the business.
07:22 I can't stand dealing with the jackasses anymore.
07:26 You were one of the good ones, Hank.
07:29 But your kid's a jackass.
07:43 McMainerberry has to have a late-night barber shop.
07:47 Arlen has one, Hank, and it's closer than you think.
07:51 Come on, let's go.
07:53 Peggy, do you know anything about dying hair?
07:55 What's to know?
07:57 Hello, Hank. I heard about Jack. I'm sorry.
08:02 How did you hear about Jack?
08:04 Well, it was on TV.
08:06 You didn't see the high-speed chase?
08:10 Nope. Is there anything I can help with? And it looks like there is.
08:14 Hank, I never cut civilian hair, but I've been looking at your head a long time.
08:19 Don't do this, Bill. Trust me, it's not easy being my barber.
08:24 I know that.
08:25 You got those big, thick neck muscles that knot up when you're tense,
08:29 leaving that deep, deep valley,
08:32 and then the northern ridge runs almost transverse to the crown.
08:36 You worry too much about those and you hit that scar over your left ear.
08:41 Seems like there's a story there.
08:43 You never shared it with me, but that's okay,
08:46 'cause you might think I'm a gossip, and I probably am,
08:49 but how the hell would you know if I'm a bad barber?
08:52 He's the same way with me.
08:54 You're an amateur, Peggy.
08:56 Jack was a legend, Hank,
08:58 but when I come over to my best friend's house and I see this,
09:03 I remember calling me an idiot!
09:07 I want my old life back.
09:09 Will you tell me one gut-dang thing you know about cutting hair, Hank?
09:14 Huh? What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you.
09:18 Bill, how's it gonna be in the alley if you screw it up?
09:22 I can do it, Hank.
09:24 If you don't like it, we'll never discuss it again.
09:27 You owe me a chance.
09:31 Can you dye it back?
09:32 There are 53 officers on that base who aren't wearing their natural hair color.
09:36 I dare you to pick 'em out.
09:38 I need your earliest appointment.
09:40 I got a 5 a.m. and a 5.30, but I can squeeze you in at 6.
09:43 Okay, then.
09:44 Okay, then.
09:46 [music]
10:07 Ah, Bill?
10:10 Hank?
10:11 I heated some toaster pastries.
10:13 There's an excellent article about counterfeit truck parts.
10:16 Let's just do it.
10:17 Mm-hmm.
10:18 [music]
10:34 How's that?
10:38 That's good.
10:40 Well, that's jack good.
10:43 That's the haircut I want for the Strickland Propane Christmas card.
10:47 You did it, buddy.
10:49 Book me again in two weeks, and every two weeks for the next 25 years.
10:55 What do I owe you?
10:56 No, no, Hank.
10:58 This one's on me.
10:59 If I could just keep the hair.
11:01 No, no, this is a great haircut.
11:04 I insist.
11:05 Geez, Hank, I don't even think I have a cash register.
11:09 Hank Hill always pays his barber.
11:12 Now, are you my barber or not?
11:14 I'll find a way to charge you.
11:15 I promise.
11:16 I'll fill out all the proper forms and get the ball rolling.
11:19 Great.
11:20 And here's something for you.
11:31 Another offer to subscribe to the New Yorker.
11:35 I do not wish to subscribe to your publication.
11:43 Huh, something from the U.S. Army.
11:46 Hope I'm not drafted.
11:54 $900 for a haircut?
11:57 Damn it, Bill.
12:00 And I'm sitting here cutting coupons.
12:10 I wish this bill were a mistake, Mr. Hill.
12:13 But that is how much it costs the Army to give someone a haircut.
12:17 We pay $80,000 for each military-grade barber chair?
12:21 The French make a chair that costs $110,000.
12:24 It's a damn good chair, but I'm not going to pay $110,000 for a barber chair.
12:29 Spending all that money is like buying a haircut for Saddam Hussein.
12:34 And I hate Saddam Hussein.
12:36 I like his haircut, but that's it.
12:39 Look, I know the chair is too much at $80,000,
12:42 but then they give us a B-2 bomber for $1.3 billion.
12:46 That's where we make it up.
12:50 Will you try getting a B-2 bomber for $1.3 billion?
12:54 You can't do it.
12:59 It is a very nice haircut.
13:02 $900?
13:04 I'm sorry, Hank, I had no idea I was that valuable.
13:08 So that's where the Army makes all its money.
13:11 Even Bill Clinton only spends $300 on his haircuts.
13:16 And for that, he gets the haircut plus a high colonic administered by Barbara Streisand.
13:23 I guess I should have offered.
13:25 If I was going to pay $900 for a haircut, it would have to be an everlasting haircut.
13:31 Hank, you can't fight the Army without declaring war.
13:34 Maybe if you had the Marines on your side.
13:37 They're better than us.
13:39 Hank, there's something here. It's from the Army.
13:42 Incoming!
13:44 It's a collection letter.
13:51 We don't want to haunt you, but...
13:54 All right. They asked for it.
13:56 I am going to write my congressman.
14:19 Representative Jim Powell thinks your problem and flag burning are among the biggest problems facing America today.
14:28 That's why Jim Powell has introduced House Resolution 11461.
14:35 It would ban flag burning in all...
14:39 He never even read it.
14:41 I'd go see him in person, but no self-respecting bus company would let me on with hair like this.
14:53 Hey!
14:54 Hank.
14:55 I'm going to raise that money for you.
14:58 Can you do better on the ice crusher?
15:00 900 firm.
15:02 It only takes one.
15:04 Don't do it, Dale.
15:06 I'm not paying $900 for that haircut.
15:10 If I was going to waste $900, I'd get something useful, like a compound miter saw.
15:17 I thought you said I did a good job.
15:20 But what kind of fool would pay $900 for a haircut?
15:24 Now, Bill, I could really use a trim.
15:27 We could do it in my garage.
15:29 I'm only allowed to cut hair at the base.
15:31 The U.S. Army spent $3 million training me.
15:34 Forget the Army. It'll take you ten minutes. I'll vacuum myself.
15:38 Sorry, Hank. You got your principles. I got mine.
15:42 Half of a half of a percent.
15:45 What?
15:46 That's what you tipped me.
15:48 $2 on a $900 haircut is less than half of a half of a percent.
15:53 You don't need Bill.
15:56 Boom Howard and I love our girl.
15:59 Yeah, man. I tell you what, man.
16:00 Little old girl, I'm talking a mile a minute, man.
16:02 Little old girl, I'm talking a mile a minute, man.
16:09 With me, it's all about speed.
16:12 I don't even have to take my hat off.
16:16 So that's where you get your haircut, huh?
16:19 What's wrong with our hair?
16:22 I didn't say anything.
16:25 Well, she does pimp that conditioner pretty hard.
16:32 Oh, God, I need a hair net.
16:36 Okay. Look, Hank.
16:38 Why don't you go ahead and take my 1 o'clock with Ernst tomorrow?
16:41 Do not be late unless you want the coldest shampoo of your life.
17:10 That's him. That's Hank Hill.
17:14 I think.
17:21 I've just been in touch with Congressman Jim Powell's office.
17:25 I'm here to present you with a whistleblowers award of $3,900 plus this point of light.
17:32 For me? I didn't even know they kept that going.
17:35 What's the money for?
17:37 It's 10% of what you save the army by eliminating government waste.
17:41 This way.
17:44 I like the old haircut better.
17:48 Yeah, now I hear they're wearing it short in Guantanamo this summer.
17:53 It's the Ricky Martin influence.
17:56 Sir, would the captain like me to throw the lieutenant out of the chair, sir?
18:00 Sergeant, I have bad news.
18:03 The base is disbanding the barber unit.
18:06 They think we're inefficient.
18:08 Petition to reinstate has been filed, but that could take 20 years.
18:13 I'm sorry.
18:14 Report for reassignment in the morning.
18:20 Don't do it, son.
18:22 I got no place else to go.
18:35 $3,900.
18:38 We could get a new roof just for the heck of it.
18:45 You eliminated Bill, Billiminator.
18:48 What?
18:49 The army shut down the sergeant barbers. Now Bill has no purpose in the army either.
18:55 Oh, no.
18:56 Is Bill all right?
18:58 I didn't ask.
18:59 I came straight here so I could see your face when you found out what you did.
19:06 Is that real crystal?
19:09 Hey, look, you can make a prism.
19:20 Maybe you want to take off a little around the ears.
19:25 I'm sorry.
19:26 That's not funny.
19:28 No, don't worry about me, Hank.
19:31 The army made me a barber.
19:33 It's theirs to take away.
19:35 Bill, you're an artist.
19:37 You do things with hair that I've only seen other people do with wood.
19:41 Have you ever thought of going out on your own?
19:44 God, no.
19:45 Then I'd just be a barber.
19:47 I wouldn't be cutting hair for my country.
19:50 No, just a bunch of cloth till I'm ordered not to.
19:58 9 a.m. is just overstatement, really.
20:00 Most days, things don't get rolling till, I'll say, 10.30.
20:04 Hey, didn't I already give you a pen?
20:06 Yeah, you already gave me a pen.
20:09 What are you going to do about it?
20:11 I can't leave my boot.
20:18 I'm out of the Strickland Christmas card.
20:22 Because of your hair?
20:24 But Christmas is eight months away.
20:26 Well, Mr. Strickland wanted an elf in the picture,
20:29 and the Arlen Midget spends his winters in Florida.
20:33 Dammit, customers will think I don't wish them a merry Christmas.
20:37 Hector wouldn't wear the antlers five years ago,
20:39 and his sales have never recovered.
20:41 Wow, you're taking this even harder than poor Bill.
20:46 You saw Bill?
20:47 Mm-hmm, over at the high school job fair.
20:49 He was wiping eggs off his Jeep.
20:51 Oh, wait, and Dale has something he wants to tell you.
20:55 Um, okay, they're auctioning off Bill's old barber equipment today,
21:00 and he's absolutely heartbroken, and--
21:03 Oh, and it's all your fault.
21:05 Try and look surprised.
21:16 That's the last time I go off base for a haircut.
21:22 Okay, who here knows how to cut hair?
21:25 Don't answer, it's a trick.
21:37 Here's the plan.
21:38 We have to get as much as we can for $3,900, less than $900 for the haircut,
21:46 and the 10% auction fee.
21:48 What's that come out to?
21:49 Uh...
21:52 Say it again.
21:54 Oh, look over there.
21:56 That's Cole Kitten, the kingpin of the army surplus auction world.
22:01 First item number 4801, army barber chair, originally $80,000.
22:05 I'm gonna start the bidding at $2.
22:07 $3.
22:09 $4.
22:14 Watch me take this guy out.
22:17 $5.
22:21 $6.
22:25 $2,999.
22:31 $3,000.
22:38 I'll be honest, I'd get $20 if I signed you up.
22:43 I'll give you half of it.
22:44 D'Autrieve, in, now.
23:00 D'Autrieve, your records have been doctored to show you as a master electrician
23:04 with a security clearance for pinball repair,
23:07 but your actual mission is to stand at this privately donated chair,
23:14 which does not exist, do you understand me?
23:17 And do the only thing you're good at.
23:20 But, sir, what... what if somebody sees?
23:23 Don't ask, don't tell.
23:25 That policy's gotta work for something.
23:31 I'm gonna need the combs and the jar.
23:40 Hank, I don't know how to...
23:43 There's no time. The Strickland Christmas card shoot is in an hour.
23:47 But I haven't cut hair in a week.
23:49 Commence cutting.
23:50 Yes, sir.
23:58 All right, let's take this thing.
24:01 Wait!
24:07 [Music]
24:19 [Music]
24:43 [Music]
24:53 Oh, God, I need a hairnet.