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AmusantTranscription
00:00 [MUSIC]
00:10 [MUSIC]
00:35 Now, I've cleared a space 12 by 8 by 14 to hide Bobby's Christmas present.
00:41 So when we're at the store, keep an eye out for a gift that size.
00:45 Last Christmas I hid Joseph's gift so well I still haven't found it.
00:50 [CHUCKLES]
00:51 Cutest little puppy.
00:53 Or should I say dog?
00:56 Yeah, nothing like the face of a child on Christmas morning.
01:01 What's it like?
01:03 It's the single greatest thing on earth.
01:05 That is except for all the hundreds of special moments that any dad shares with his child.
01:11 Sounds nice.
01:13 Well, I guess I'll just go home all by myself and eat a pot pie.
01:20 Today's turkey.
01:22 See ya.
01:23 [SIGHS]
01:24 Hey Bill, you know I've got some errands to run today.
01:28 Going to the post office.
01:30 Why don't you come along?
01:33 Oh, come on. It'll be fun.
01:35 You can take a $5 bill and put it in the change machine.
01:38 Pretend you're in Las Vegas.
01:40 Ka-ching.
01:42 Whew! Look at all that mail.
01:47 I haven't gotten so much as a letter in six weeks.
01:51 Well, it's a busy time of year.
01:53 They're probably just backed up or maybe they lost it.
01:57 Yeah, you're right.
02:00 My name is Bill Dautreve and apparently you have lost my mail.
02:05 I'll check in the back.
02:07 Uh, look, about my friend's lost mail, you're not going to find it.
02:19 I know that. We just walked to the back for show.
02:22 You know, you may want to check William Dautreve too.
02:27 Bill is short for William.
02:29 If you want mail, we've got these bags in the corner.
02:32 Those are letters addressed to Santa Claus.
02:34 You know, we're always looking for volunteers to take one or two
02:37 and buy a gift to make a needy kid happy.
02:40 Well, what a great idea. I think I'll take one myself.
02:43 How about you, Bill? You'd make a great Santa.
02:47 And that's not a fat joke.
02:50 You really think so?
02:52 Yay, CPA! I win!
02:58 This guy seems a little off.
03:01 Bill's great with kids. It's adults and holidays he seems to have a problem with.
03:07 Has anyone seen where I put my Scotch tape?
03:14 Did you check under my chin?
03:16 You know, you fall for Dale's beard of tape every year, Peggy.
03:22 Yes, yes, I do. And I'm always a good sport about it.
03:26 My first rapping party.
03:29 Ow! I just cut my finger. Deep.
03:34 Well, it doesn't compare to the pain of previous years when I didn't have any kids to rap for.
03:40 Matthew said he likes music, so I got him a trombone.
03:48 I can't wait to see the expression on his face.
03:51 You don't give the gifts yourself. You buy 'em, you wrap 'em, then we mail them and put the return address as North Pole.
03:59 Oh. Does the mailman at least dress as Santa?
04:04 No.
04:05 Every kid should get to see Santa!
04:09 Oh, my God. It's snowing. It's snowing!
04:21 Wow!
04:22 What the... You know, Peggy, it is snowing.
04:25 That is not snow. It's 64 degrees.
04:29 Well, that is the foam that they spray on runways when jumbo jets are about to crash.
04:35 Bobby! Get in here!
04:39 (Christmas music)
04:42 Now, are you going to open this before Christmas?
04:53 No, sir.
04:55 Good. Good. You're a very good boy.
04:58 Open it! Open it!
05:00 (children crying)
05:04 The kids haven't had a real Christmas since their father left.
05:09 Can I pay you for these things?
05:12 What would Santa need money for?
05:15 My elves make all the toys.
05:18 I mean...
05:20 Rented snow machines, all these lights. Looks like a carnival.
05:28 I wonder how Jesus feels about this.
05:31 It's Christmas and Bill's happy?
05:34 I'll tell you how Jesus feels.
05:37 Great.
05:38 Hey, this is perfect.
05:42 Tomorrow Christmas service falls right between the Aloha Bowl and the Oahu Bowl.
05:48 And we can top the whole day off with a Christmas smackdown.
05:52 Christmas smackdown.
05:55 Here it is.
05:56 Hey, Dennis Rodman is going to be a guest referee.
06:00 Boy, you know that guy's catching a folding chair to the head.
06:06 The worm.
06:07 Oh, wait a second.
06:09 Sorry, Bobby. It's rated TV-14.
06:12 The last time I checked, you were still 13.
06:16 Oh, come on, Dad. I tell you what.
06:19 I'll just close my eyes when things get too colorful.
06:24 Nice try, mister, but I've seen the way you watch TV. You never blink.
06:29 [Holiday music]
06:32 Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!
06:35 [Holiday music]
06:39 Better honk, Dad.
06:41 It won't feel like Christmas Day if we miss the little drummer boy.
06:45 I'm doing the best I can.
06:48 Wait a minute. You're being sarcastic.
06:51 You don't have any interest in seeing that little boy play his heart out, do you?
06:56 Nope.
06:57 [Knocking]
06:59 Ballet parking is $5.
07:02 Ballet of the Dales is not responsible for loss or stolen art.
07:05 Dale, I'm just going to park in my driveway.
07:08 That lot's full, but Bill says I can put overflow park and poolside at Lan's house.
07:14 Octavio!
07:16 La bomba le automobile.
07:19 No scratcho.
07:21 Comprende?
07:23 Out of the way.
07:25 Hey, you're back.
07:28 Oh, I have got to find some way to thank you for everything.
07:33 Does Santa like chicken?
07:36 Fried, jerked, broiled or boiled.
07:39 Well, after the holidays, I'm going to cook you a homemade chicken dinner.
07:45 And will you eat it with me, too?
07:48 Bill, I could just wrap you up.
07:51 Oh.
07:53 [Music]
07:56 Oh, oh, oh.
07:59 [Music]
08:01 Oh, oh, oh.
08:04 And she made the date with him?
08:07 Yep.
08:09 They're going to have chicken.
08:11 Well, I suppose we can suffer through this racket if it means Bill will be spending time with a woman who knows he's there.
08:18 Yeah, and it's just till New Year's, then it all comes down.
08:23 You know what? We can just pretend that all that noise is the ocean.
08:29 Oh, oh, oh.
08:32 Yes, it's working.
08:35 Oh, oh.
08:37 Looks like it's going to be a great New Year.
08:41 Notre Dame lost, Bill had a great Christmas, and now he's taking down his decorations instead of trying to hang himself with them.
08:49 Looks like he hired professionals or very dedicated amateurs.
08:54 Huh.
08:56 [Music]
09:00 What the?
09:02 [Music]
09:06 They start the Christmas season earlier and earlier each year.
09:10 [Music]
09:18 Oh, oh.
09:21 Hey, guys, take off your shoes. Come on in.
09:26 I tell you, January's the month to rent a Santa Bounce house.
09:31 I got a hell of a deal.
09:33 Come on, how about taking all this down?
09:35 Yeah, yeah, that's a great idea. I'll help.
09:38 No, no, no. I can't take down Santa's village. You see how happy those kids are?
09:44 Well, they do like jumping.
09:47 Yeah, and someone I have a lot of respect for once told me that Christmas is about giving and love.
09:53 Yeah, we all got Boomhauer's Christmas card, too, last month in December.
09:59 Hank, there'll be plenty of time for these kids to be beaten down by life,
10:03 but if I can help bring a little extra joy and love into their worlds now, shouldn't I?
10:10 Why do you hate love, Hank?
10:15 Hi-ya!
10:17 Well, so much for my New Year's resolution.
10:21 Who says a mustache has to go across the whole lip?
10:25 Ho, ho, ho! Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!
10:31 Why don't you kids celebrate by taking a spin in my Bounce house?
10:36 Have you been talking to my dad?
10:38 Well, guess what? We're not little kids. We don't jump in Bouncy houses.
10:54 Oh, dear.
10:56 Oh, hey! You're right on time.
11:01 Oh, you're still doing this.
11:04 Yeah, just around the house. They won't let me on the Army base like this anymore.
11:10 So, where are the kids? Sam and Emma, right?
11:15 I got a babysitter. I thought we might...
11:18 Hey, mind if I knock off early? I don't think any kids are coming by today.
11:23 Okay. See you tomorrow morning, 9 sharp.
11:26 That's the Arlen midget. He comes with the Bounce house.
11:31 Shall we?
11:33 You know, why don't you enjoy the chicken? You can just keep the dish.
11:37 Yeah, but you and the kids are still coming over Sunday night for haircuts, right?
11:41 I like their hair long.
11:51 You should have used cold water.
11:54 Yeah, but that doesn't get enough of the stains out.
11:57 Hi, I'm the Milton Street Santa.
12:00 I'm Wally.
12:01 Hey, Santa, can you lend me two bucks for the dryer?
12:05 Sure, which one's yours?
12:07 Oh, I got 'em soaking in a place a few blocks away, but nobody there had the Christmas spirit, if you know what I mean.
12:13 Of course I do.
12:15 I got a lot of blue jeans in there.
12:18 You ever wear wet blue jeans?
12:21 Man, this is the best Christmas ever.
12:27 Bill, why don't you take Marilyn out someplace nice for Valentine's Day?
12:42 Women like Valentine's Day. They find it romantic.
12:47 Marilyn's gone.
12:49 Of course she is.
12:52 You know, Bill, even Troy Aikman takes off his uniform after the Super Bowl.
13:00 How do you know?
13:02 Dude, do that outside.
13:15 Sam? Emma?
13:19 Hey, Santa, remember me?
13:22 It's Wally, the little boy from the laundromat.
13:25 What are you doing here?
13:27 Hey, I hope you don't mind. I told my buddies how cool you were and they all had to meet you.
13:32 Yeah, can we have some money?
13:34 He means candy canes.
13:36 I'm out of canes, but I still have ten pounds of Rice Krispie Treats shaped like reindeer.
13:42 [Sigh]
13:47 What the...
13:50 Now who...
13:54 Heineken?
13:56 Nice pool. I'd say we jump in and see what floats.
14:02 Just keep your beer cans off of my lawn.
14:06 And quit trying to read my T-shirt.
14:11 You lose something over here?
14:15 I am making a citizen's arrest for trespassing.
14:19 I don't think so.
14:21 Believe me, I've done it before.
14:24 How did you get Bill's keychain?
14:28 Okay, you're under arrest for theft, too.
14:31 He gave it to me.
14:33 Now get off our property or I'll citizen arrest you.
14:36 Damn it, when Bill comes home...
14:40 What the hell are you doing?
14:42 What the hell did he do?
14:44 [Laughter]
14:47 The thing is, I did something today.
14:54 What is it, Wally?
14:56 Well, I bought you a gift. It's a belt sander.
15:02 There's something else.
15:04 What?
15:06 You can tell me. You can tell me anything.
15:10 I kind of lied to the guy at the hardware store.
15:14 I told him I was getting this for my dad.
15:18 Here.
15:20 No!
15:27 You could make a Japanese rock garden where that tire mark is.
15:33 I know a Japanese guy who might have some rocks.
15:37 Oh, hey, guys.
15:40 We were just at the grocery store and Wally did the cutest thing.
15:44 What'd he do? Did he ride a unicycle?
15:47 Did he juggle?
15:48 Did he find an adorable way to peel out on my lawn?
15:52 No, Hank, I'm not saying my Wally isn't a handful, but...
15:57 I like a kid with spirit.
15:59 And as for your lawn, it's my responsibility.
16:02 And I will re-sod the damaged area.
16:05 Fair enough?
16:06 Fair enough.
16:08 He blocked the channel guard.
16:13 Now I don't even know what I'm missing.
16:16 My dad is pushing every one of my buttons.
16:23 [laughing]
16:26 I believe you guys are first-time callers, so I'm only gonna charge you a buck.
16:36 For what?
16:38 Beer.
16:40 We better go.
16:41 Why?
16:42 Because beer's not TV 14?
16:46 Set me up, my man.
16:51 What's the matter? 40 ounces for a buck's a good deal.
16:55 Oh, yeah. I just usually drink 30 ounces, but...
17:00 Hey, it's the weekend.
17:03 [yawns]
17:07 Come here.
17:08 Just think, honey girl.
17:11 When we're grown-ups and married, we'll get to do this every night.
17:17 Yeah, I want a house just like this, with soft floors and plastic windows.
17:24 Look at the stars.
17:27 There's... so many of 'em.
17:32 Yeah, cool.
17:35 You know the best way to sober up?
17:38 Bounce around a lot. Get it out of your system.
17:44 [laughing]
17:47 Bobby?
17:50 Hey, Dad! I like beer!
17:55 [gagging]
17:58 [yawns]
18:00 You, you, and you! Go home now!
18:13 You, get the hell out of here!
18:16 That does it. I've had about enough of this Christmas crap.
18:22 Bill!
18:23 Dang it, Bill. Some of us are trying to raise kids in this neighborhood.
18:27 Good kids. The kind who don't try to kill their parents in their sleep.
18:32 Kids like Bobby.
18:34 Well, he would never kill me. He told me so.
18:37 That kind of communication is very important in a father-son style relationship.
18:41 What?
18:44 Is that my belt sander?
18:46 No, it's mine. Wally bought it and gave it to me as a present.
18:51 Yeah? Then why does it have the same serial number as my warranty card?
19:07 Uh, I know there are two sides to every story, but Hank was bragging about his new belt sander all last week.
19:15 Where do you think I got the idea?
19:17 That ape was strutting around showing off his fancy belt sander, and I thought,
19:22 "Hey, Bill's a better man than this ass. He should have a belt sander."
19:27 So I bought you one.
19:30 Yeah, it's just, you know, Hank had the warranty card.
19:37 So this is how it's gonna be. Hank good, Wally bad.
19:41 I'm not saying that, but maybe it wasn't such a good idea giving, well, selling beer to kids.
19:49 Wow. You really are like my dad.
19:53 Really?
19:54 Yeah. He never had faith in me either, but at least he had a motorcycle.
20:00 Wally, building a strong relationship ain't easy. We can work through this.
20:05 I don't like work.
20:07 I did ten sit-ups and I tried to do a push-up. Can I go back to sleep now?
20:21 You had a chance to sleep last night, mister, but you decided to go partying instead.
20:27 Now get a rag and start washing windows.
20:34 I almost hated waking him this morning, but then he tried to tell me that his hangover was punishment enough.
20:41 So I flipped him off his mattress.
20:43 Wally left last night.
20:45 And it's all your fault. You broke my family.
20:50 Wally was not your family. My God, I've thrown out propane tanks that would make a better son than Wally.
20:57 But he's all I had.
21:00 Oh, poor Bill. He probably shouldn't be alone. But he will be.
21:06 Wait! I've got it! Bill wants to have a child, and Hank's urethra is too narrow to have another child.
21:18 Ergo, Bill should inseminate Peggy, everybody's happy.
21:24 Ow!
21:26 Didn't hurt.
21:29 Nancy!
21:32 The very worst thing I could do right now is caught her washing up again.
21:40 [phone rings]
21:42 What? Huh? Where are you?
21:47 I got a call from Wally.
21:52 Where is he? Jail?
21:55 Yes! Some trumped-up charge. He can't survive in jail. You gotta help me bail him out.
22:01 No way. Things got out of hand in the first place because you didn't lay down the law with Wally.
22:07 Oh, Hank, please. You were right. I don't know how to be a father.
22:12 All the books about it are by comedians, and I never know when they're kidding and when they're serious.
22:18 Oh, please. I need you to go with me.
22:21 No!
22:22 You do everything right, but if you didn't, I'd be there for you.
22:28 [sigh]
22:30 And could you drive?
22:32 Wally still hadn't returned my car.
22:35 The car was crammed with cartons of cigarettes, packs of jerky, lighters, all your big-ticket impulse items.
22:43 He says you okayed the use of the credit card and the use of the automobile. Is that true?
22:50 The jerky was for you?
22:52 Hank, what should I do?
22:56 Well, I'd lock him up for what we know he did and then toss on a few extra years for what he probably did.
23:04 Yeah, but if I lock him up, he won't like me.
23:07 But if I bail him out, he'll just keep stealing my money, and I won't like him.
23:12 Parenting's tough. Try having my job with a kid in jail. That gets weird.
23:19 [sad music]
23:22 [humming]
23:35 You know what would be cool? If you left it a little longer in the back, it would be like our little bond. I'd thank you--
23:41 Sorry, no can do. You may not be happy with me now, soldier, but you'll thank me someday.
23:48 For what? For making me a jarhead?
23:50 No, for convincing the judge that the Army is a better place for you than prison.
23:55 Oh, and you're not a jarhead, that's the Marine Corps. You're a grunt.
24:00 Bobby, if you get caught drinking again, it's gonna be your butt in this chair. Ain't that right, Hank?
24:06 Sure is. Now let's shave that thing off of Wally's chin.
24:11 [sad music]
24:14 [theme music]
24:24 [theme music]
24:27 [theme music]
24:30 [theme music]
24:54 Valley of the Dales is not responsible for losses told.