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00:00 "Merry Christmas, gentlemen!" "So Hank, what's with the black suit? Someone die?" "Oh, right, someone did die." "Your mom's best friend as I recall." "Well, this is awkward." "Merry Christmas."
00:24 "Merry Christmas."
00:27 "Merry Christmas."
00:29 "Merry Christmas."
00:55 "Merry Christmas."
00:57 "Merry Christmas."
01:00 "That was Lottie Bonner's lawyer. Lottie left me all her lovely antique furniture. I'm so touched. I don't know whether to laugh or cry."
01:09 "So your best bet is, you know, neither."
01:13 "Oh, of course I'll never be able to get it all back to Arizona."
01:17 "Well, heck, Mom, I can move that stuff out to Arizona for you easy."
01:21 "Oh, but..."
01:22 "I will be at your door by Christmas Eve. Heck, all I have to do is rent a moving van."
01:27 "Oh, Hank, are you sure a van is big enough?"
01:56 "That is a big van."
01:58 "Holy crap!"
02:00 "Oh my goodness!"
02:03 "I'm gonna name her Wonder Truck."
02:09 "Hank, we want to ask you one question."
02:13 "You can't come with me on the trip."
02:15 "I have a follow-up question."
02:18 "No, please, leave that in my mom and me."
02:21 "The next one who asks to come won't even get to look at it."
02:25 "Okay, then."
02:27 "Oh, I know it's more cargo space than I need, but, uh..."
02:34 "Well, there's a sleeper cab, so I'll save on motels and..."
02:38 "You know, uh..."
02:40 "Hank, you don't have to explain to us."
02:43 "Wow!"
02:51 "Look at all this cool stuff!"
02:54 "This isn't a toy, Bobby. To a trucker, these are tools."
02:58 "See, truckers are the last cowboys."
03:00 "They're their own bosses, making tough decisions, winning or losing by the calls they make, answering only to the road."
03:08 "Sounds hard!"
03:10 "It is. Now, how would you like to make this trip with your old man?"
03:14 "Heck yeah!"
03:15 "Dad, can I have permission to say 'hell yeah'?"
03:19 "Just a moment."
03:21 "It's such a fine night to look at the moon."
03:31 "Look how big and powerful the moon looks in the moonlight!"
03:35 "Ready for its trip to Arizona!"
03:38 "It's just not fair!"
03:40 "The moon, I mean."
03:47 "This is a dream come true."
03:49 "A trucker and his boy, alone with their rig on the open road."
03:53 "But don't worry, Peggy, we'll do a quick turnaround and be back home by Christmas morning sharp."
03:58 "A trucker and his boy."
04:01 "And they've promised their mom to be home by Christmas."
04:05 "Hank, this is one of those novelty Christmas songs that always sells a million freakin' copies!"
04:11 "I have always wanted to get in on that racket!"
04:14 "Okay, let's roll!"
04:16 "Well, alright."
04:17 "Okay, Bobby, we gotta stay on time, so drink up and let's hit the road."
04:21 "Coffee? For me?"
04:24 "I don't think I can ever go back to Coco!"
04:33 "You see, trucking is like a lot of things in life."
04:36 "Know your rig inside out, take care of your rig, and she'll take care of you."
04:41 "Dad, you know everything!"
04:44 "Well, I do have a Class C license."
04:47 "We're stowing away, we're stowing away!"
04:55 "We're so bad!"
04:57 "Oh, hey, man, look at that, man, it's just like a goddang old Ben Hur, man!"
05:02 "Oh, wake up!"
05:06 "Boy, look at that view!"
05:09 "This is probably how it looked to the very first truckers."
05:12 "Now, the trick to heading up a steep grade is to shift gears carefully."
05:16 "And why is that?"
05:18 "A trucker always protects his cargo!"
05:21 "My dearest Nancy, I have many questions about the outside world."
05:28 "Is our government still intact?"
05:31 "And what of young Joseph?"
05:33 "Gentlemen, to your racers!"
05:40 "Hank and Bobby in a Christmas Truck!"
05:43 "Oh, dang it, there's just no good words that rhyme with truck."
05:47 "Aunt Peggy, could they be delivering a snowman?"
05:53 "I bet there's lots of words that rhyme with snowman."
05:56 "Of course, who needs a snowman when you've got a snowman?"
06:01 "I'm sure you do, Peggy."
06:03 "I'm sure you do, Peggy."
06:05 "I'm sure you do, Peggy."
06:06 "Of course, who needs a snowman more than a widow in Arizona?"
06:11 "Our song will be about Hank and Bobby delivering a snowman to a woman with no man."
06:19 "I'm a songwriter!"
06:23 "The second largest thermometer in the US."
06:29 "Do we have time to stop?"
06:31 "Well, we have to be home by Christmas so we can stop or we can go to a truck stop and chow down like real truckers."
06:37 "Chow down like real truckers!"
06:40 "Well, all right then."
06:41 "You can see the thermometer from here anyway."
06:44 "105 degrees. Wow!"
06:48 "Hank, for God's sake, let us out!"
06:55 "It's so hot!"
06:58 "Hank hears us, but he's choosing to punish us. Rightly so."
07:03 "What's the use? At the rate I'm smoking, we only have about 30 minutes of oxygen left anyway."
07:10 "Oh, man, dang old... Dang old... Dang, man. I need a dang old water, man."
07:15 "We brought food. Maybe we can squeeze moisture out of it."
07:20 "Let's see. Chips, barbecue chips, vinegar flavor, hot and spicy, saltines..."
07:27 "No!"
07:30 "Wow!"
07:40 "I didn't want to describe it to you because, well, how could I?"
07:45 "See, for truckers, time is money. We can't spend time waiting in a line with the civilians we keep to a schedule."
07:54 "Can I see my dog?"
07:56 "Yeah."
07:58 "Yep, just rode in from Arlen, Texas on a straight shot. How about you?"
08:02 "Well, I guess I'm coming in straight from old Eastern Long Island."
08:06 "Guess this will be my first meal in 40 hours or so."
08:09 "Yep, I hear that."
08:11 "Okay."
08:12 "So what are you boys hauling anyway?"
08:14 "A sofa for my grandma!"
08:18 "Sir, this section is for truckers only. Buffs like you taking up space costs real truckers money."
08:24 "Oh."
08:25 "Huh?"
08:26 "But, Dad, I thought you said we were truckers."
08:29 "We are."
08:30 "I don't mean to spoil your fun, sir, but you're not a trucker. You're just a guy with a truck."
08:35 "You think I'm not a trucker? Well, I drove through El Paso in rush hour and didn't grind a gear. Look at my rig, perfectly maintained from the back bumper to the grill."
08:46 "Oh!"
08:47 "Hank! Oh, hey Hank! We're not gonna drink bill after all, okay? Waiter, table for five!"
09:10 "Aaaah! Watch out!"
09:12 "We're sorry, Hank. We'll sit quietly back here if you give us a water dish to drink from. We'll be as quiet as truck mice."
09:24 "Get in the cab. Fixing this hole you made has put me off schedule, so I'll skip my bunk time and drive all night. Now get moving."
09:34 "This is the saga our song will tell. Hank and Bobby find a snowman hitchhiking through Arizona. He will melt to death unless he gets home to the North Pole by Christmas."
09:46 "Hank and Bobby take him home. The snowman's family is so grateful, they invite them to their Christmas snowman dinner. You got it?"
09:55 "Oh, no."
09:56 "It's okay to take a nap, Dad. If we're half a day late, Grandma won't mind."
10:02 "Well, I will. We've got a promise to your mother to keep. We're getting back home by Christmas morning."
10:08 "Duck. Duck. Goose!"
10:11 "What? I'll get him, Hank!"
10:13 "I'll get him!"
10:14 "Shut it!"
10:26 "And that's how the Christmas snowman got back home!"
10:35 "You don't like it."
10:39 "Oh, it's not that, Shugs. It's just that I've got a lot of other things on my mind. Like, I don't know where my husband is."
10:46 "Oh, I'm sure Dale is fine. Now, how can we fix the song?"
10:49 "We tried your way, Aunt Peggy."
10:51 "Now we should do my way."
10:53 "We have differences. Like when Simon versus the Garfunkel."
10:58 "Look how straight the lines on the highway are. It'd be easy to get highway hypnosis."
11:05 "Bill, you are getting sleepy."
11:10 "It's working. I'm so sleepy."
11:15 "Man, make it think like a dangle chicken, man."
11:18 "Hey, Dad! Look!"
11:20 "I was awake. What?"
11:22 "Look at the sign! Truck stop four miles. We can get you some coffee!"
11:27 "Bobby, it would take too long to tie him up, so I'm gonna need you to get the coffee."
11:34 "Which line? Trucker or..."
11:36 "Trucker."
11:37 "Dad, they wouldn't let me on the trucker line for moral reasons, but..."
11:41 "I guess playing trucker takes a lot out of you."
11:47 "At least now he can tell all the other accountants he slept at a real truck stop."
11:52 "Hahaha!"
11:55 "Ok, let's get a move out."
11:57 "Now, if we make up for the lost time while my dad's asleep, he'll wake up ahead of schedule."
12:03 "Mr. Broomhound, are you sure you're able to handle this vehicle?"
12:07 "Hey man, I'm a piece of cake, man."
12:09 "I'd like to ride more than a forklift, you know."
12:12 "I'd like to ride more than a lion, same as a kitty cat, man."
12:15 "14-foot clearance."
12:21 "14-foot clearance."
12:24 "Ha!"
12:25 "How tall is the truck?"
12:27 "You probably don't... I don't know, Bobby?"
12:29 "I don't know!"
12:30 "It's awfully big. I'd say 30 feet tall at least."
12:33 "Boomhauer, get off now!"
12:37 "Go, go, go!"
12:39 "This is the wrong way, turn around!"
12:44 "Hey, man, you seen them dang old signs of this thing?"
12:46 "They ain't dang wanna talk about a little dill turn around, man."
12:48 "It kinda do..."
12:49 "Oh, there's another exit! Take it!"
12:51 "Well, this feels good, doesn't it?"
13:03 "Well, Mom, that's the last of it."
13:17 "Hank, this is the best Christmas ever."
13:20 "Ready?"
13:22 "Oh, say can you see, by the dawn's early light?"
13:27 "Dawn's early light, dawn's early light..."
13:33 "What the... where..."
13:41 "Hank, we're having trouble with the engine and the clutch."
13:47 "Oh, and we're on top of a mountain."
13:51 "I think it might be a rocky mountain."
13:54 "What the hell happened?"
14:02 "Let's just say mistakes were made."
14:05 "Then other, larger mistakes."
14:08 "We're not proud of ourselves."
14:10 "I'm sorry, Dad."
14:12 "We thought if we kept driving, we could help you make your delivery on time."
14:16 "We didn't even stop for a potty break."
14:18 "I had to use your coffee mug."
14:20 "Dale, get behind the line of shame."
14:23 "Not you, Bobby, I know you were trying to help."
14:27 "Hank, we're cold! Can we put our hands down?"
14:32 "No. Okay, we're out of fuel, that part I can understand."
14:36 "But how did you let the battery go dead?"
14:38 "It was dark and the headlights made us feel so safe."
14:42 "Breaker 10-3-3, this is Top Hat, requesting emergency."
14:46 "No, Bobby, I don't want to bother real truckers with the problems of a guy who fell asleep and let his rig wind up on top of a mountain."
14:54 "What are you doing, Dad?"
14:56 "I'm gonna call AAA, and probably hire some movers too."
15:00 "It's time to let the professionals handle this."
15:03 "No, sure we're in a hole, but real truckers are in a hole all the time and they don't give up."
15:09 "They figure out a way to get through."
15:11 "You're not just a guy with a truck, Dad."
15:14 "Okay, everybody, let's check out our rig and see what we've got."
15:22 "Line suspended."
15:30 "And a Charlie Chaplin ceramic lamp and these opera glasses."
15:35 "That's what we have to work with."
15:37 "Hank, which would you rather burn for warmth?"
15:39 "The dining set or the frames of these tasteful landscape paintings?"
15:44 "Neither. I am getting this load to my mom intact."
15:47 "Hey, man, got any old antique lamps, man? Talk about a little kerosene left inside, man, you know?"
15:52 "They'll probably stay warm down in five minutes or so, you know? Talk about a little..."
15:57 "Good idea, Boomhauer. There might be some kerosene still left in those lamps to keep us warm if..."
16:02 "No, wait a minute. Bobby, hand me those opera glasses."
16:06 "Perfect. Now, if we can get the truck rolling downhill, the motion will recharge the battery."
16:20 "And kerosene is close enough to diesel fuel so we can burn it."
16:23 "I'll pop the clutch and we can turn around in that meadow."
16:26 "I understood something about burning fuel. Are we going to be warm?"
16:30 "You two are going to get warm working up a sweat digging out these tires. Here."
16:34 "Bobby, I need your help over here. And Dale, you're, uh... at large."
16:40 "Yes, sir!"
16:41 "Stroke! Stroke! Come on, sir!"
16:46 "Aaah!"
16:47 "Aaah!"
16:51 "Now, I won't be able to see from the back to steer, so you fellows will have to guide me."
17:01 "Boomhauer, use the CB. It's going to be a bumpy ride, so hang on."
17:05 "Nag, what keeps the furniture from sliding out the door?"
17:08 "Well, all our straps and chains are on the road for traction, so... you do, Bill. Good luck."
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20:22 "Sir, much as I would love to get into it, we better get rolling. We gotta finish our haul and get home by Christmas."
20:30 "Good man, but you won't get far without your mirrors."
20:33 "Or your headlights."
20:35 "Yep, suppose that's true. On the other hand, if I rode ahead of you, you wouldn't need 'em."
20:40 "And if I get your back, I can handle your rear-view for ya."
20:43 "You mean like a convoy?"
20:46 "Damn straight!"
20:48 "Hah!"
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